Roseanne s08e24 Episode Script

( harmonica wails ) Nurse on intercom: paging Dr.
Bender.
Dr.
Bender.
- oh my god.
- yeah yeah.
Well, he was awake in the ambulance, And they kept checking his blood pressure And giving him oxygen and everything like that, you know? But they thought maybe he had-- He had a minor heart attack.
They wouldn't say anything more than that.
Is that bad? I mean, that's gotta be bad.
No, that doesn't mean-- it's only been a couple of minutes.
They told you he's gonna be all right, right? I mean, at least they told you that much.
No, they didn't tell me anything.
It's weird, he's got all these new guys Starting on that prison job next week.
That's okay, because they'll just wait till he gets back.
No, I mean, you know, what if-- The important thing is that he's here and he's being taken care of.
This is a really good hospital.
- where's the baby? - Mark and Becky took andy and jerry back home.
I said that I would call whenever we knew.
I wish they'd tell me something, you know? What kind of hospital is this? Can you guys take a sit over there? And i'm gonna go get your mom something to drink.
All right, I know that it's hard, Roseanne, But we have to be patient and be really positive.
I'm gonna be here with you the whole time.
Do you want me to take that stuff? No.
I'm gonna hold on to this.
( theme music playing ) ( Roseanne laughing ) Shouldn't this thing be dripping faster? No, that's how fast it's supposed to drip.
I'll check back in on him in a couple of hours.
We have to watch him closely over the next 48 hours.
- why, what could happen? - well, even though It wasn't a massive coronary and he's stable right now, There still could be some complications.
It's too early to tell.
Really? - Dan.
- now you can talk to him for a few minutes, But take it easy.
I'll be back later.
Hey, good looking.
What-- what's going on? Well, Darlene got pregnant, you know? And then David married her, so we made out good there.
And we were at the wedding And then you had this little-- Minor, little tiny heart attack, blah blah blah.
And here we are now.
Anyway, you wanna meet the person who saved your life? D.
J.
It was amazing, Dan.
Everybody was all panicked, but d.
J.
Here, He just starts giving you c.
P.
R.
I learned it on a dummy at school.
I couldn't believe it.
At first, when he throws himself on you, I think he's gonna go through your pockets or something.
You really did that, son? Yeah, it was really great to see your eyes open up again.
I know for sure on my the car of my choice.
I'm really proud of you.
Thanks, son.
- sure.
- here, now go tell everybody out there That your dad's up and that he's doing good.
A heart attack? Yeah, a minor heart attack.
( sighs ) Well, I remember getting in the ambulance.
Yeah, that was really cool, riding in that.
They let me ring the siren.
- cool.
- yeah.
We went through five or six red lights, Ran over a couple of people, a dog.
Double cool.
I always wanted to ride in an ambulance.
I'm sorry I missed it.
I thought your fantasy was to ride On a fire truck with-- What's her name? Ursula andress.
Minor heart attack.
How minor could it be? I mean, Look at all the machines i'm hooked up to.
If I was a car this would cost 800 or 900 bucks.
Well, they said that they only have to keep you In the shop just overnight.
And the good news is they're giving me a loaner husband.
( foot tapping ) Yeah, he's gonna be okay.
He's sitting up already and he's in good spirits.
And it looks like everything is gonna be fine.
But it's getting late.
There's really nothing you guys can do here.
So, you know, unless one of you wants to go And give a liver to the guy in 308.
I really don't think it's wise for this family To be giving away livers.
Yeah, well I'm gonna stay here with him overnight.
I mean, he's okay and everything, but Well, the room's paid for, so what the hell.
Well, can we see him? No, you can see him later.
He's sleeping now.
Roseanne, whatever you want us to do, We'll do it.
We're here for you, you know.
Unless you want us to do something somewhere else, Then we'll be there for you.
So, you know, here or there Is where we'll be if you want us to be There or here.
Yeah, okay.
Well, that's good Because we do have a lot to do.
We do.
Okay, Mark, you ought to take back all the tuxedos.
And put dan's on the bottom, 'cause they had to cut it off of him.
Good thinking, Mrs.
Conner.
And while you're out then go to the park there You know, where we had the wedding, 'cause we left all that wedding food and garbage laying around.
Go get that sign that says conner wedding And throw that away.
I'll help you, Mark.
And i'll drop by the house And bring you back a change of clothes.
Thanks, mom.
So, uh You guys just ought to go home and change.
Go to the cafeteria though, and bring me back some coffee.
Okay, Mrs.
Conner.
Give dad a kiss for me, okay? - ( sighs ) - god, do you believe all of this? Here, you sit down.
He'll be all right.
( clears throat ) Dan's strong.
Everything will be all right.
Man I've been with him since I was 16 years old.
What are you still doing here? I sent everybody home two hours ago.
I didn't want to go.
What have you been doing the whole time? Read magazines, watching tv.
"highlights"? How are that goofus and gallant doing? Same as always.
Gallant's getting straight a's-- Yeah, and goofus is getting all the girls.
I'm gonna call somebody to come get you and take you home.
I want to stay.
There is just no reason to stay.
I mean, everything is totally okay and under control, And we're all really exhausted now.
No.
Yeah.
I keep forgetting how grown-up you are.
Nurse on intercom: dr.
Bender to the nursing ward.
Hi.
D.
J.
's wanting to sleep over, So i'm gonna let him.
- cool.
- yeah.
Do you want me to call anybody else? - you want me to call your parents? - no, don't call them.
How are the other kids doing? Well, becky's home taking care of the baby.
Dave and Darlene are around.
I hear they canceled their honeymoon.
Oh man, they canceled it? Well, they just moved it to our basement.
They can do it later.
- no, they won't.
- yeah, they can.
Those bus tickets are good for a whole year.
Oh man, I really screwed up.
- no, you didn't.
- yeah, I did.
This was supposed to be darlene's day, Now all of a sudden everybody has to take care of me.
- oh, come on.
- real good, Dan.
They didn't even get to finish their reception.
- so, nobody cares about the reception.
- I do.
So what? The wedding is the thing that matters.
We had the wedding so Can't you just stop thinking about that And just try to relax? I'm having a real hard time not thinking about this.
Yeah, me too.
What are you doing, Darlene? Dad bought a new garbage disposal Before he went into the hospital, so i'm installing it.
You don't know how to do that.
It's just a simple machine, Becky, that eats up garbage, No more complicated than your husband.
That's dad's job.
Yeah, I just thought it'd be a nice surprise for him for when he got home.
Well, it won't.
It'll make him feel Like we think he can't do that kinda stuff anymore, Like, we're treating him like some invalid or something.
Yeah, you may be right.
No, i'm right.
Can you get me the flashlight out of the drawer? Shine it right there.
You haven't taken out the old one yet.
It's stuck.
It doesn't want to come out.
I guess this is the dream house for a garbage disposal.
It was weird seeing dad like that.
He seemed so Frail.
Yeah.
God, I never thought i'd see him like that.
I never even conceived of something like this happening.
Yeah, like i'd see those guys, These big guys and they'd have these huge chili dogs That they'd be munching on And i'd think, "whoa, there's a heart attack waiting to happen.
" God, Becky, I mean Maybe people thought that when they saw dad.
I never did.
Yeah.
Me either.
Maybe I should have.
I don't know.
Well, i'm pretty sure Chili dogs are off-limits for the old man from here on out.
Yeah, which means mom can't eat hers in bed now, so What if he died? He's not gonna die, Becky.
He's gonna be fine.
Well, maybe not this time, but someday.
What are you thinking? Just shut up, Becky.
What, don't you ever think about that? Don't you ever wonder what it'd be like if dad died? God That would be Weird.
And mom-- Mom will never die.
It'd be weird to come in here Without dad being here.
Hey, what do you say we just let dad do this when he gets home? Yeah.
You got to be bored out of your skull, doll.
No, they got a lot of great magazines laying around here.
Listen to this, "with the election a month away, Bush leads dukakis By 12 percentage points.
" Nixon's out of office? Huh.
Honey, why don't you go down and get yourself something to eat? - you got to be starving.
- no, i'm fine.
I've been taking hits off your I.
V.
While you weren't looking.
Next time we'll get chocolate.
( sighs ) Rosie, i'm fine.
Go.
Yeah, I guess if I hurry down there I can beat the post-dialysis rush.
All right.
You want me to get you anything? No.
Thanks, honey.
You sure you don't want a cigarette or something? ( laughs ) ( monitor beeping ) Oh, man.
All right, you got my attention.
( breaths deeply ) I got no more fight left in me.
That's all I had was the fight.
Listen, I don't mind that you pegged me For one of these guys that has to keep grinding it out, But you had me feeling like I was shoveling coal on the titanic.
No matter how fast I was shoveling, It just keeps going down.
I've been shoveling so hard That I haven't had time to deal with the stuff I was gonna fix later, you know? I'm gonna quit drinking later, I'm gonna start watching what I eat later, I'm gonna deal with my problems With my mom and my old man later.
So is this the big lesson? Huh? That later is now, or what? I'm not ready to leave yet.
( breaths deeply ) I will slow down.
Just give me some more time To work on stuff.
And I know you're probably not real big On making deals, But just give me a few more trips Around the sun, you know, to I don't want to leave them.
She can't make it without me.
Just It's not like i'm asking for money or the moon.
It's not that much.
Please.
- ( phone ringing ) - so what is this, Some kind of huge cosmic joke thing that you got going? Every time anything goes good, You have to like, totally make it all crash in on us? Why? What did we do to deserve that? Why at darlene's wedding does this have to happen? I depend on you and you totally let me down.
Although I guess it wasn't you that was Cooking up all that greasy meat and bacon And bringing him all those beers.
Sitting there doing that right along with him.
I mean it-- it's obvious.
I should have seen the guy's in trouble.
Why didn't I see that? Man.
So I guess you're not the one that blew it.
Roseanne, why are you doing this? - okay, open.
- what is it? Breath spray or mace.
I forget which.
But, anyway, you got to get all looking pretty And smelling good 'cause I got a big surprise for you.
Is my poker buddies coming by? No, better than that-- people I like.
Okay, come on in, guys.
- hello there.
- Dan: oh.
What's all this? It's the wedding reception you missed.
A dramatization like on that "911.
" Yeah, it'll be fun.
Okay, so let me totally set the scene here.
Here we are at the wedding And Darlene and David have just kissed.
Roseanne: okay, do it.
Do it.
Do it, do it, do it.
Aw! Everybody, All: aw! Yes, and now we've left the wedding And we're walking into the reception area there.
So that would be time for dad To give the toast.
Oh, honey, I don't want to.
No, come on.
You had really nice things to say And I want you to say it.
So toast away.
All right.
Uh, Darlene, You'll always be my daughter.
David, I'm glad that you're officially my son-in-law now.
And if there's anything you ever need or want ( breaking ) that I can provide-- Okay, that's enough of that.
We want the reception here to stay fun.
So okey-dokey.
What's next? Then they dance.
Okay, d.
J.
, music.
( classical music playing ) - dad.
- what? You're supposed to cut in.
Oh, i'm sorry.
My dear.
Ready for a little fancy footwork? - ready as i'll ever be.
- all right.
Ready to be dipped? ( bed motor whirrs ) Thanks, dad, you're really light on your back.
Yes, that was fun.
That was a lot better than the last time.
It was so embarrassing.
Remember barry what's- his-face Invited me to that big spring dance thingy And mom gussied me all up like a girl And made me dance around the living room with you? - evans.
- what? Barry evans, that was the kid's name.
My god, you remember that? Well, it was my little girl's first big dance thingy.
We never danced, Mr.
Conner, But there was that one time you threw me up against a wall.
Sorry about that.
No, when Darlene and I started living together, We should have told you.
I guess I was just afraid you would, I don't know, throw me up against the wall.
Like you did with my boyfriend.
I'm not sorry about that.
Fisher had it coming.
No kidding, Dan.
You really saved me, you know? You're the only guy in my life who ever stood up for me And looked out for me and-- Without wanting anything back.
So, thanks, Dan.
Hey, dad.
I got a great story.
Remember that time I saved your life? D.
J.
, you're getting the car.
So, how are you holding up? I'm starting to drag a little bit.
Okay, well All right.
We'll come see you tomorrow, dad.
- okay, yeah.
- David: take care.
- Jackie: bye.
- Darlene: see you tomorrow.
So Short but sweet, How did you like that reception, huh? A bit gaudy.
Okay, i'll let you get some rest now too.
Roseanne, i'm scared.
Yeah, well I'm not, so we're cool.
Listen, there's something I got to tell you And it's really important.
- yeah? - yeah, I just want you to know that I've never cheated on you.
And i've never even want to-- Wanted to cheat on you.
I just wanted you to know that, - just in case-- - don't say that.
- 'cause there isn't any just in case, okay? - okay.
So I have something I want to tell you too.
For the first time in like 25 years I felt like, totally helpless.
a long time, kiddo.
( monitor beeping ) ( sighs )