Home Improvement s08e25 Episode Script

What a day! Binford's executive schlockmeister, Morgan Wandell, wants me to do a whole Tool Time just talking.
No tools, no projects, no hands-on anything! Isn't that insane? How many "P's" in "deposit"? Two! I was right.
Now more about me No.
Sorry, man.
I can't.
I'm in a hurry.
I gotta go put a security deposit down on my new apartment.
Brad, listen to this Actually, Dad, can you talk to me about it later? I have a 5:00 hair appointment at Pablo's.
He gets all weird when I'm late.
Pablo? He's more important than your dad? Dad, he cuts my hair.
Hey, Mark, you gotta listen to this.
Sure.
As soon as I'm done watching this show.
You're watching Cooking with the Ragin' Cajun? Dad, it's Gumbo Week.
Hi.
How was your day, honey? (PHONE RINGING) Terrible.
Terrible.
Why? What happened? Okay.
Sit down and I'll tell you.
Morgan Wandell now is taking complete control of the show, right? Yeah.
I'm used to things being my way.
I'm not gonna take orders from a cheesy young punk who thinks he knows production.
Hey, Mom? We're talking.
It's Professor Hanover's office.
We're talking.
Dr.
Hanover? Wait.
Just hold that thought.
I just have to take this call.
(GROANING) Hello? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can have a meeting with Dr.
Hanover, Thursday, 2:00.
Can you tell me what this meeting is about? Well, I guess I'll just have to find out when I get there.
Okay.
All right.
Thanks.
Bye.
Howdy.
Dr.
Hanover wants to have a meeting with me.
That's great.
Anyway, this guy No, it's not great.
I mean, maybe he reread my thesis and he's having second thoughts.
Honey? Honey, please? Maybe he found a reference that's outdated.
You know, that can happen.
Could you just Just hold on a second.
Let me tell you this.
Maybe he thinks that my conclusions are just, you know, inconclusive.
Oh, God! This could be terrible for my whole career.
(BREATHING DEEPLY) I just have to calm down.
Calm down.
I'm gonna go take a hot bath.
Thanks for listening.
I'm gonna go stick my head in the microwave.
With my mouth open so it doesn't explode.
Sorry I'm late.
I was packing up Mother's house.
That must've been hard for you, Al.
Well, I got through it okay.
But then Trudy came over, and we were going over the guest list for the wedding.
And I got this panic attack! I think I'm going through pre-marital stress.
Ah, PMS.
I just You know, I need to get through the next two days.
You know, come Monday I'll be on my honeymoon, lying on the beach with Trudy, slathering zinc oxide all over my body.
Boy, thanks for that image.
Hey, guys.
Excited about my big idea for today's show? How can we be excited about a show where we just talk, Morgan? No, no.
It's not just talk.
It's Tim talk.
And when Tim talks, people listen.
Don't kiss up to me.
That job is reserved for Borland.
Yeah.
You're gonna have to stand in line, pal.
Does everybody know what time it is? ALL: Tool Time! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Binford Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Binford's Heidi.
I am Tim "The Binford Tool Man" Taylor, and of course, you all know my assistant Al "Binford" Borland.
Thank you.
Well, you may not like the show today.
We're doing something a bit different.
There's no project.
We're not gonna build anything.
We're just going to talk.
If you have any complaints about that, you might want to e-mail Morgan Wandell at bigfatzero.
com.
Today's show is called "Home Repair Addicts.
" Men who can't keep their hands off their tools.
Apparently, we've got three good buddies who are accused of having a tool addiction that they cannot kick.
So I guess, Heidi, it's time to bring out our tool addicts, please.
All right, let's have a big Binford welcome to Robby, Dan and Butch.
Hi, Robby.
How're you doing? Thank you for being here.
Hey, Al.
Hey, Dan.
Nice to see you.
Please make yourselves comfortable.
Thank you.
Well, gentlemen, I gotta be honest with you.
I don't see anything wrong with men that like to build things.
So I would like to know what the problem is.
ALL: My wife.
Been there.
You had better hope she's not watching this show today, huh? Actually, they're in the audience.
Huh? This could get interesting.
Well, Robby, why don't you tell us what happens in your house when you open your toolbox? First I might fix the hinge on a window.
Uh-huh.
Then if the mood strikes me, I might replace the drywall next to it.
Then as long as I'm replacing the drywall, I might as well add on a family room.
That sounds sensible to me.
Sensible? We have six family rooms and no family! Well, I guess it's time to get busy! Dan, what's your problem? Uh, I like to paint.
But I don't have an addiction.
I can stop anytime I want.
Oh, yeah? Then how come our front lawn is now blue? It's teal.
Butch, why don't you tell us all what you're into? Lubrication.
I believe a good home is a quiet home.
No squeaks, creaks or hums.
So, I always keep a can or two of oil on hand.
(SCOFFS) A can or two? He oils everything we own.
He's like theTin Man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let's just try to settle down, okay? Tim's right.
We don't allow off-color language on this show.
That's right, Sue.
So, shut yourmouth.
Oh, yeah? and thehorse you rode in on.
Hey, Wandell! Do something about this.
Yeah, you go, girl! I'm so sick of your crappy repairs! And I'm sick of you! You know, ma'am, if you would just Oh, pipe down, Bones! Hey, hey, hey, hey Now, just Calm down.
Calm down.
It's a television show.
Come on.
If you go back to your seat, you'll get that nylon fanny pack.
She doesn't need one.
She's already packing plenty of fanny.
Now, that's not helping matters, sir.
If we could just Hey, well, I've got news for you.
My fanny's good enough for the Dutch boy.
He and I have beenbrains out for the last six months.
What? (SCREAMING) That's not very ladylike! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Somebody call security! We'll be right back after these Awesome show, guys! What do you mean, "awesome show"? I almost got killed out there! Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Those gals were only supposed to threaten their husbands.
They were supposed to? Are you saying that this show was staged? Yeah.
Yeah.
It looked so real, didn't it? Oh, God, I'm good! Morgan, you have made a mockery of everything Channel 112 stands for.
We're not doing any more shows like this! Yeah! No.
No, no.
Of course not.
We want to stay fresh.
We keep the audience guessing.
Eventually, we'll do some more of that building crap you like.
Building crap? Hold on a second.
That building crap That building crap is what Tool Time has been about for the last 10 years.
All right.
Well, now it's about ratings.
And if you're not comfortable with that, we can go another way.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, it means that we can find a host that's on the same page that we are.
Ooh.
Are you threatening me, Morgan? No.
No, I'm just clarifying Binford's position.
Well, let me clarify my position.
You're not gonna take control of Tool Time.
Yeah.
I'm with Tim.
Yeah.
You tell him, Tim.
That's right.
If I have to, I'll just go above you.
I'll talk to Bud.
All right.
Well, you can talk to Bud all you want.
I'm going to.
Well, do.
It's not gonna do you much good.
Sure it will.
Well, he's no longer with the company.
What? Hold on a second.
Bud wouldn't leave Tool Time without letting me know.
Let's see.
He left, you didn't know about it.
I guess he would leave without telling you.
Well, as far as supervising Tool Time is concerned, who is above you now? God.
Well, look, if you're gonna turn this show into a three-ring circus, I might just quit.
Sorry to lose you.
You were a good man.
Jill, we gotta talk.
No, honey, I can't.
I gotta go to this meeting with Dr.
Hanover.
This is very important, honey.
Well, okay.
So, what is it? Like, Morgan? He wants you to do another cheesy Tool Time and you don't want to do it, right? No.
He wants all Tool Times to be cheesy.
That's why tomorrow is my last show, 'cause I quit.
You quit? You quit the show? He pushed me too far.
Today's show was one of those shock TV shows like Jerry Springer.
Tomorrow he wants me to start an electrical fire! I intentionally start fires, I lose all credibility! Well, I think Why don't you just talk to Bud? Bud left the company, put Morgan in charge.
He's completely insane.
Al and Heidi quit right after I did.
Oh, my God! Then this is for real.
Darn right it's for real.
We figure we owe it to our fans to do one more show.
But after tomorrow's show, I'm done.
I am so sorry.
(SIGHS) Are you okay? No, I'm not okay! That's 10 years of my life.
I loved that show.
I just hope I can land on my feet.
What are we gonna do for money? We've got some in savings.
Yeah.
I can put in more time at the hardware store.
That's a way to spend money.
I'll buy a garage and start a classic car shop.
You can't start a business from scratch.
There's gonna be experts out there that have been doing it for years.
It could take forever to turn a profit.
Or, you know, you could just be a complete failure right out of the box.
You're gonna make a great therapist.
Oh, hello, Jill.
Come on in.
Hi.
Um When your secretary called, she wouldn't tell me what this meeting's about.
That's because she doesn't know.
If I tell her anything involving a woman, she thinks I'm having an affair.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Well, not that any woman wouldn't want to have an affair with you.
It's just, you know Sit down.
Sit down.
Jill, I called you in to tell you that I have recommended you for a job.
You You did? Me? You remember our guest lecturer, Dr.
Ted Lee? Yes, I do.
He wrote that great book on family counseling.
Yeah.
Well, he just opened a family clinic.
And he wants you to work for him in his adolescent development program.
This is unbelievable.
He wants me? Well, he liked the idea of hiring a post-graduate student.
And he wanted someone with life experience.
This is so great.
You can't imagine how good the timing is Well, there is one thing that you should know.
How much money will I be making? Excuse me? Cash.
Dollars.
How much will I be pulling down? Jill, people don't usually take these entry-level jobs for the money.
Oh.
Oh, of course not.
But I might eventually make, say, what you make? People don't take my job for the money.
Look, I'm sorry.
I just My husband lost his job today.
So I'm just a little concerned about our financial situation.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, you know, I don't know exactly what the salary would be.
But I'm sure it won't be enough to support a family of five.
Ah.
Well, that's okay.
You know, I'm just confident that Tim will be able to get another job.
And this is a really wonderful opportunity.
Thank you so much.
Oh, you're very welcome.
But what I'm trying to tell you is that Dr.
Lee's clinic is in Indiana.
You'd have to move.
Move? Before you ask me what it costs to rent a U-Haul, I don't know! Okay, that's great news.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll call you back.
Thanks.
Yes! Jill, you're not gonna believe this.
Sparky found a vacant spot in Woodridge that would be perfect for a classic car showroom.
Well, I have another location in mind.
How about opening a shop in Indiana? (CHUCKLING) "Indiana wants me.
Lord, I can't go back there.
" Honey, a very prestigious colleague of Dr.
Hanover's has offered me a job at his family clinic in Bloomington.
Must be a pretty screwed up family if they have their own clinic.
This is really an incredible opportunity for me.
This man is amazing.
You're serious about moving to Indiana? Yeah Well, I don't know.
I mean, I want to consider it.
What are they offering you? Ballpark.
Well, I It's not much.
But there's potential for more later.
Honey, honey, we're not moving to Indiana based on potential, okay? Well, you're not even gonna discuss this? What's to discuss? We live here.
I mean, my mom is here, my brothers are here.
My mechanics are here.
So, we're just gonna throw my career out the door because you don't want a stranger to change your oil? Give me some credit! There's more to it than that! How am I gonna follow the Lions, the Redwings, the Pistons? Buy a paper! I don't want to read! I'm not leaving this house.
I built this house.
And I'm not moving because you decide on a whim to go to Hoosierville! It's not a whim.
And I didn't say I want to move.
I just want to discuss it.
Okay, let's discuss it.
We're not moving.
I can't believe this.
For 20 years my whole life has revolved around your career, and I finally have an opportunity to start my own and you don't even have one.
That's a low blow.
It could get lower.
(WILSON HUMMING) Hey, Wilson.
WILSON: Well, hi-ho, Tim.
What are you doing? Just hosing off my rocks.
If your shower's broken, you can use ours.
No.
No, no, no, no, Tim.
I'm washing the rocks that I gathered on my hiking trip to Whitefish Point.
So, what's going on with you? Well, for starters, I quit my job.
Tim, you quit Tool Time after 10 years? They were making too many changes, Wilson.
I just I just had to let it go.
Well, I am sorry to hear that.
It gets worse.
I told Jill I quit and she told me she wants to move to Indiana.
Jill is leaving you because you lost your job? No, no, no.
She was offered a position in Bloomington.
Oh.
I'm gathering you didn't take too kindly to that.
I didn't even want to discuss it.
You know, abandon my mom and my brothers.
Uproot my boys in a critical time in their development.
You don't want to leave your mechanics.
It's not just my mechanics.
You know, it's Barry Sanders, and Grant Hill, and the riverfront, and Polish food, and And my barber And it's a change.
It's a big change.
Well, change is often difficult for everybody, Tim.
But on the other hand, if you are gonna leave Tool Time, this might be a good time for you to support Jill.
The truth is my family has always been based around me and my career.
I never really thought about what would happen if You know You never thought you'd be making the same sacrifices for Jill as she did for you.
(GRUNTING) Yeah That's it.
Yeah.
You know, Tim, these are perfectly normal feelings you're having.
Traditionally, the male is the leader of the family.
It's very difficult for him to give up that position to the female.
Oh.
There's a nasty thought.
Me in hair curlers, little muumuu, walking around the house.
You think we should make the move? I would never want to lose you as a neighbor.
But you and Jill have to do what's best for you two.
Yeah, we do.
You do.
Well, I guess I better get back to hosing off my rocks.
Yeah.
And I better get back inside and try to save mine.
I don't want to go to Indiana.
Yeah.
Me either.
Neither will Randy.
Have you even talked to him about it? Not yet.
I don't think he wants to leave Costa Rica.
I think some tribe found out he had a flashlight and turned him into a god.
You know, I can't think of one good thing about Indiana.
They have a town named French Lick.
Will it be easy for you just to pick up and leave Detroit? No! It wasn't easy for me to quit Tool Time, but I did that.
Yeah.
Just when it was starting to get good.
Women were body-slamming each other! Like I said The most important thing about a move to Indiana would be for your mom.
She's worked really hard on this new career.
And this is a really good opportunity for her.
I don't know, Dad.
I just want you to consider it.
What's going on, guys? We were just talking about Indiana.
Save yourself the trouble.
This is just stupid.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I'm not gonna drag you guys anywhere you don't want to go.
Actually, moving might not be that big of a deal.
The way I figure, I'll probably be at UCLA most of the year.
Yeah.
I'm changing schools anyway.
Be a chance to meet all new girls.
What about you? Oh, I already have a girl.
And if she's gotta move to Indiana for a job, I'm willing to put on a muumuu and curlers for her.
So, does this mean you're willing to discuss it now? Don't need to.
We're going.
BOTH: Yeah.
Brad, don't forget my car's in the shop.
So, I'm gonna take your car and drop you guys off at school.
Wait, what makes you think you can just take my car just like that? Because I paid for half of it "just like that.
" Oh, don't forget your lunches, boys.
Mom, we haven't taken our lunches to school since the fifth grade.
Well, I don't know what I was thinking.
I'm kind of distracted.
Have a great day at school.
Hey Wait for me outside.
So, looks like we're gonna do this.
Move to Indiana.
Yeah.
You having second thoughts at all? No.
You? No.
No.
I guess I'll feel better, you know, when I make this call to Dr.
Lee, tell him I've decided to come.
Yeah.
I think you will.
So, have a great Tool Time grand finale.
It's gonna be really emotional.
Yeah, I know.
Do you have enough Kleenex? If not, I'm sure we have extra gauze.
BRAD: One, two, three You're pinned! You lose! No, I haven't.
Not the second round! No! Dad, it smells under here! Seriously! It's the Tim Taylor half-smelly nelson.
RANDY: Yeah, Dad! Your pits are the pits! What a day! Binford's executive schlockmeister (STUTTERING) Well, change is difficult for most people, but on the other hand, if you are going to leave Tool Time You should go leave.
Well, Tim, I understand your Well, Tim