Home Improvement s08e26 Episode Script

NARRATOR: Previously on Home Improvement.
(SCREAMING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) That's not very ladylike! HEIDI: Somebody call security! If you're gonna turn this show into a three-ring circus, I might just quit.
Sorry to lose you.
You were a good man.
Honey, a very prestigious colleague of Dr.
Hanover's has offered me a job at his family clinic in Bloomington.
Must be a pretty screwed up family if they have their own clinic.
This is really an incredible opportunity for me.
This man is amazing.
You're serious about moving to Indiana? Don't forget my car's in the shop.
So, I'm gonna take your car and drop you guys off at school.
Wait? What makes you think you can just take my car, just like that? Because I paid for half of it "just like that.
" - Looks like we're gonna do this.
- Yeah.
Move to Indiana.
Yeah.
You having second thoughts at all? No.
You? No.
No.
I guess I'll feel better, you know, when I make this call to Dr.
Lee, tell him I've decided to come.
Yeah.
I think you will.
So, have a great Tool Time grand finale.
You guys okay with this move to Indiana? - Yeah.
I think so.
- Well, I'm totally depressed.
This move's gonna be hard on all of us.
It really will.
Not about the move, Dad.
I'm a little depressed my "daddy" is driving me to school in my car.
We're talking about family.
It's way more important than any car.
Well, it's just as important as a car.
More important than some cars.
Dad, check the gauge! We're out of gas! Don't worry about it.
We've got plenty of gas to get you guys to school and me to Tool Time.
Dad, we're on "empty.
" It's a fuel gauge.
"Empty" doesn't mean empty.
It's just a guide.
Don't you know that? We got 10 miles left.
And it's only 5.
3 to get you to school Another 2.
6 to Tool Time You add those together, you (INAUDIBLE) Well, you add them together, you know, and I don't know what it is, but I know it's less than 10.
(CAR SPUTTERING) Well, that 10 miles went by rather fast, huh? You know, it just seems like yesterday you guys used to sit in my lap and hold the wheel while I drove.
Hey, don't get any ideas.
You know, that's gonna be the hardest part about moving.
So many memories here.
This is where you guys grew up.
- Group hug.
- Oh, man! - Dad, we're too old for this.
- You're too old for a group hug? It's back to individual ones, then.
(BAD BOY PLAYING) Bad, bad, bad, bad boy You make me feel so good (YELLING) - Mom! - What? - Dad's cussing.
- I'm not cussing.
- He said a bad word.
- It wasn't bad.
Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn.
" - I did not say "damn.
" - Now you did.
Hey, Dad, I heard a good joke today.
- What was it? - Okay.
What did the moron have for breakfast? I don't know.
This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast! Bad, bad, bad, bad boy You make me feel so good It's not that big a deal.
- I mean, I've had detention before.
- It's the first day of school! No one ever gets detention on the first day of school.
I wouldn't say no one.
No, it's gonna take a minute to boot up.
I still have that old 286 chip on it.
Not much power.
Are you saying this thing needs more power? Lemme open it up.
I can make this thing go faster.
Well, why don't we just save you the trouble and throw it up against the wall? BOTH: Oh, man! Bad, bad, bad, bad boy You make me feel so good Oh, so now you're telling me what I can and can't write? You're acting like some tyrannical fascist.
Did he just call me a dinosaur? Sex is It's like a car.
The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time.
And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens, you gotta think, "Car cover.
" Guys, will you clean up this pigsty, now? Yeah.
We'll get right on it.
(SIGHING) Ah, look at this picture of the kids.
This is what? The summer of 1991.
Aren't they cute? - Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Brad.
I'll take that change from the gas money now.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe next time you'll fill up the tank like I asked you to.
Hope you learned something from this.
Yeah, that the "E" stands for "empty," not "extra 10 miles.
" I'll tell you one thing.
If I had built this car, it'd have an extra fuel tank in it.
Dad, if you built this car, we'd be taking the bus.
Hey, if there's one thing Dad knows how to do, it's build a car, okay? This is the greatest gift you've ever given me.
I gave you three children.
Yeah.
But none of them came out this clean.
(SWITCHBLADE 327PLAYING) Oh, switchblade 327 Lit cigarette in his hand Steel-toed boots on the accelerator Oil leaking out of the pan (IMITATING MOTORCYCLE ENGINE) Switchblade, three two-barrels Getting there as fast as you can All juiced up like a hot carburetor Spitting gas on the fan All right, under the car.
Man territory.
Switchblade! 327 Switchblade! Seven come 11 Switchblade!Oh, he's all right - I'm addicted to cars.
- Well, duh! I'm thinking of checking into the Henry Ford Clinic.
Dad, can we stop? I'm really hungry.
How can you be hungry? Your mom just cooked us breakfast.
Did you eat it? It was good oatmeal.
It was scrambled eggs.
Bad scrambled eggs.
Yeah.
When I get married, I'm gonna make a woman prove to me that she's a good cook.
That's why you're gonna be 80, alone and very hungry.
Come on! Cooking has nothing to do with a relationship.
Your mom and I have a good marriage because we share an honest, mutual respect.
How could you say that? Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth? No.
But you bugged me during conception.
Little gas ball.
Moving Moving.
(BELCHING) This is real attractive.
I just read this survey, and it said that some couples, no matter how busy they are, still make love five times a week.
With each other? Where were we? It's kind of hard to remember.
This will refresh your memory.
(BELCHES) - Can't we just Can't we just - No, no - One time.
Just think, think, think.
- No No No - But Home-automated system! - No! No! We never actually said that we weren't gonna have another baby.
I've said it.
I've talked about it.
I know I've talked about it.
I mentioned it on Tool Time.
Oh, great.
So 11 people know about it? Do you remember babies at all? Dirty diapers.
Colic.
I don't have the energy for that anymore.
You don't have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"? Sorry.
I'm sorry! Mark was right.
(GROANS) You shouldn't have double onions on those chili dogs.
Hello.
Your mom and I have had our share of disagreements, but in the end, it doesn't matter, you know? Because one of us always apologizes.
- You? - Yup.
It was a good thing that you had Wilson here to help you out.
Well, he's learned as much from me as I have from him.
WILSON: Tim, would you mind listening while I ruminate? No, go ahead.
Use the bush over by the gazebo.
There was a time when I thought my extensive research into ancient tribal cultures, obscure scientific data, the thoughts of great philosophers would never come in handy.
Then you moved in.
I like to create, Wilson.
Everything I do I want to make bigger and better.
WILSON: Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women.
(TIM GRUNTS) It's because we can't bear children.
I don't mind the boys that much.
Wilson, you're not making me feel any better.
Well, excuse me! Why do I always have to be Santa's little helper? - Well - I mean, I have wants.
I have needs.
I have issues.
But does anyone ever come to the fence and say, "Wilson, do you have a problem?" I mean, no! It's just "Me, me, me, me!" You know, Tim, I'm reminded of an old philosopher who once said, "You have to give a little, take a little" "Let your poor heart break a little.
" (BOTH SINGING) - That's the story of - That's the story of - That's the glory of love - That's the glory of love (HONKING) Hey, there.
I get recognized everywhere.
Dad, he was honking because you took up two lanes.
He was thrilled to see me.
That's why he was waving his hand.
Dad, that was only part of his hand.
He was saying, "Tool Time is number one.
" Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! - Tool Time! Hi.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al "This Land is" Borland.
JILL: Oh, my God! What is this thing on your head? It's a little piece of table.
What happened? Mr.
Negativity Al distracted me, and I got my head cemented to this table.
They had to take a saber saw to get me off of that table.
Don't you think you should go to the emergency room? I was just there.
They said I wasn't a priority.
Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? What do we need? - More power! - More power! (GRUNTING) Come on, guys! (GRUNTS) Jam it in the light.
Stuff like this.
(YELLING) Here you go, Tim.
(YELLING) The one good thing about Tool Time being over is no more accidents.
We still have a house.
You know what they say.
Every year, over 100,000 accidents occur in the home.
And 99,000 of those occur in our home.
All right, Dad.
Let her rip.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I think we should say a prayer first.
Please, Lord.
Don't let our house blow up.
(TUB THUMPING PLAYING) I get knocked down But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down Ground.
We're looking to ground.
Yellow, see? The sun is yellow.
It heats the ground.
That's how they name stuff.
Is that car running? (TIM SCREAMING) Oh, shake it off.
I get knocked down But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down TIM: It's okay.
The ground seems to have broken my fall.
Get knocked down But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down But I get up again You're never gonna keep me down TIM: You know, Marge, it's kind of gratifying to be here in the hospital and not be a patient.
- See you, "Tool Man.
" - Hey, buddy.
Well, maybe you can have that feeling another day.
- Hey, thanks for the ride, Dad.
- You bet.
- Yeah.
Go get 'em at Tool Time.
- Yeah.
Break a leg, huh? - Oh, you know what I mean.
- Hey, guys? I probably don't say this enough to you two, but I love you guys.
I'm really happy the way you guys turned out, you know? You're smart, hard-working, honest boys.
Here's the rest of that gas money.
I knew you were holding out.
- Get out of here.
- BRAD: Later, Dad.
Love you.
- MARK: Have a good day, Dad.
- You, too.
MARK: Love you.
A lot of memories.
I'm perfectly happy being married to a man who thinks that PBS is something that women get once a month.
Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
Says who? The Wives with Knives Club? A woman? You brought me here to see a woman? I didn't know she was a woman.
My gynecologist just said that Dr.
Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in man land? Man land? Now you got a theme park between your legs? Demolition derby Sexy wife Could you hold that thought until about 10:00 tonight? Wait a minute.
This thought here? That That would be the one.
What causes sibling rivalry? Having more than one kid.
You fired the granite guy? Did you hear what I said? He came on to me.
What did he say? You had a nice outfit or something? He kissed me.
- What did you do? - I I pushed him away! - Well, you should have fired him! - I did fire him! You fired the granite guy? It's always been my fantasy to be with a man who enjoyed doing the same things I do.
You know, like taking me to the opera, the ballet, the theater.
That's my fantasy too.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
If I could find that man, I wouldn't have to go myself.
Our wedding was so beautiful.
I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.
Who tried to talk you out of marrying me? Oh, no one.
You know, just my mom, my dad, my sisters, my friends, the minister, the postman, some guys down at the mailbox.
(WE'VE GOT IT ALL PLAYING) It's hard to say goodbye You're much more than a friend When good times becomes memories They never really end Like ancient rites of passage It's time to carry on We caught lightening in a bottle As we went along We've got it all Wouldn't change a minute We've got it all Never will forget it As years go slipping by us You know we will recall These times we've found together We've got it all Long goodbyes never suited you and me You know if God is willing We'll go on eternally We've got it all (SIGHS) I can't believe this is my last Tool Time.
Well, those 10 miles went by rather fast, huh? I tell you to fill the car up, do as I say.
I hope you learned that.
Yeah, I learned that the "E" I'll tell you one thing.
Wilson's learned enough from me, you know, to fill a bushel basket full of pears.