Bob's Burgers s09e01 Episode Script
Just One of the Boyz 4 Now for Now
1 LOUISE: 16, 17, Louise, that's plenty of sugar in your oatmeal.
My body, my rules, Father.
- I'm crumbling bacon in mine.
- Gene, stop it.
Wait.
Is that good? Give-give me some bacon.
Ooh, fun oatmeal mix-ups.
- Ow.
- Bacon block! Wait.
Here's the Boyz 4 Now story.
- Zip your B-holes.
- B-holes? - Breakfast holes.
Shh.
- Oh.
This is Olsen Benner, reporting - from the convention center - (laughing): Hi.
where the Boyz 4 Now open call auditions - Hi! I'm on TV! - are about to get underway.
After popular boy-band boy Boo Boo left the band, their album Three is More Than Four did not top the charts.
Three is more than four So, the Boyz 3 Now are hunting for a quote unquote, "new Boo Boo," so they can be four once more.
I'm here with Boyz 4 Now super-fan Gertie Humikowski.
I don't like that there are only three.
There has to be four! BENNER: And now, the nationwide talent search is here in the Seymour's Bay area, where boys aged 12 to 17 will soon be lining up.
Girls, however, will not be permitted within 50 yards of the entrance after several incidents around the country.
We had to rescue a girl from an air duct.
She crawled right up in there.
Not safe, girls.
Don't do it.
So girls, stay away.
Boys, come to play.
Whoo.
That's gonna be a real smorgas-boy'd.
They're never gonna find someone as slappable as Boo Boo to take his place.
His face fits right in my tiny little hand.
- Gene, you want to go audition? - No way.
I'm gonna replace Baby Spice when she grows up, but she's just a baby, so that's gonna be a while.
No one asked me if I wanted to audition.
I'm the same age as Matt.
- Matt's 89? - What? No.
Matt's 17.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Sure he is.
I think it's gonna be a good day for the restaurant.
The heat wave is gonna bring us a lot of foot traffic from people heading to the beach, right? Yeah.
They've got feet, and they got to eat.
LINDA: Bob, I thought we got napkins yesterday.
- Where'd they go? - I must've left them in the car.
Louise, can you go get them? You know I can't use my legs, Father.
(coughs) I have cough-legs.
I wish I could run like the other children.
I'll go, Dad.
I like a little junk from the trunk.
All right, Tina, the car is at the curb down the block.
We couldn't pull into the alley to drop them off because your mom said the raccoons were having a birthday party.
It wasn't a birthday party, Bob.
Little King Trash Mouth and his husband Gary were renewing their vows, I think.
It's their anniversary, so it makes sense.
No, it doesn't, but it's fine.
- Yeah.
- (scoffs) What? - No, yeah.
- No.
No.
- Yeah.
- Hmm No, it was definitely their anniversary, now that I think about it.
Hey, uh, mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Aah! - Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm so sorry.
Um, can I help you up? Whoa.
Girl, when these napkins are in the air I want to kiss your lips and comb your hair It's love at first sight Now it's our wedding night Is this really happening? Girl, are we napkin-ing? Yes, this is happening Girl, we are napkin-ing Napkin-ing.
- Are-are you okay? - Oh, yeah.
Uh, hi.
I'm Tina.
- Yeah, I'm Damon.
- Damon.
Damon.
Yeah.
Ah, shoot.
You know what? I'd love to stay and talk, but I have to catch a bus to the convention center for a tryout.
- So bye.
- Oh, good luck.
Uh, thanks.
Sorry about your napkins.
I hope they can still clean things.
Damon, I Oh.
He's gone.
But he left this shoe.
- No, wait.
That's a pigeon.
- (cooing) Oh, hey, Tina.
Those napkins look different.
Someone bumped into me, and I dropped them, and also, my whole life is probably gonna change now.
Here, Tina, give 'em to me, hon.
Okay, but I need to keep one as a souvenir of the day I met Damon.
He was running to catch the bus to the Boyz 4 Now auditions, and he bumped into me, and we touched hands, and it might be love at first sight.
- Welp, here we go again.
- What do you mean? Oh, I don't know.
It's not like you fall in love at first sight all the time.
Whoa.
Whoa.
(grunts) Excuse me.
Whoa.
Okay, maybe once or twice.
- A minute.
- It's fine.
You're young, you have fun.
What are you guys trying to say? We're trying to say you're something that rhymes with "shmoy shmazy.
" Okay, I'm not boy crazy.
I'm boy focused.
And I really think Damon could be the one.
One of many.
Many ones.
All right, guys, leave Tina alone.
She has an active imagination about boys.
TINA: It's not my imagination.
My feelings are real.
Damon is probably my soul mate.
I'll-I'll show you.
I'll I'll go down to those auditions and find Damon - and start our life together.
- Oh, Tina.
They're not gonna let girls in the auditions.
Remember? The news? No girls allowed.
(sighs) Damn it.
Well, then, I'll dress as a boy.
- Ooh, that's fun.
- No.
Not that that's not a great idea, but we need Tina here.
It-It's gonna be a busy day.
Ugh.
Fine.
(sighs) - Aw.
- "Aw" what? Tina wants to go find her crush.
It's sweet.
Wait, Linda, you want her to go? I don't think it'll do any harm, Bob.
They'll probably just spot that she's a girl and send her home anyway.
(sighs) Fine.
Tina, we have some good news.
(sighs) What? You can dress as a boy and go find that kid.
I can? Thank you.
I'm gonna prove that Damon's my true love, so say good-bye to Tina.
And say hello to Dino.
My Annie wig! I knew she'd live to dance another day.
Next time you see me, I'll be in a serious relationship with one boy only.
Damon.
I'm not boy crazy.
I've never felt more boy sane.
Am I nuts or is Dino hot? - (door bells ding) - Linda, Bob.
Linda, Bob.
Teddy, what is it? Why are we whispering? I-I just need to show you what's in the box.
I found this at the place I'm working up the street.
I just need you to take care of it till I'm off later.
Promise me you'll take care of it.
- Promise me, promise me! - What? No.
We don't even know what it is yet.
Okay.
I'll show you.
- No loud noises.
- I'll tell my butt.
Oh, my God, what is it? LOUISE: What did you do to Mort? - BOB: Huh.
Is that a squirrel? - TEDDY: A squirrel? You think this cute little guy is a stupid, lowlife squirrel? No, I would never bring a squirrel in here, Bobby.
What do you think, I'm out of my mind? - What is it then? - It's a rat.
A baby rat.
- Oh.
Okay, get out.
- Bob, no, please, please.
We can't have a rat in the restaurant, Teddy.
It's just for a couple of hours.
Otherwise, he's gonna die.
- Okay.
- All you got to do is keep him warm with a heating pad, and then give him some sugar water.
- You can do that, right, Bobby? - Hmm.
I've nursed dozens of baby rats.
Your nipples must be a mess.
Look, Teddy, I'm sorry.
- It's just that we can't - (rat squeaking) BOB: Oh, my God, look at it.
I'm crying.
(sobs) I would die for this rat.
(crowd shouting) Ugh.
What was I thinking? No one's gonna believe I'm a boy.
GIRL: Oh, my God, a boy! That's right, sweetheart.
Yes! Okay, just gonna pop in, find Damon, tell him I think we're meant to be together forever, and I won't get distracted by all the other Oh, my God.
Aah, so many butts age 12 to 17.
Okay.
Focus, Tina.
Damon's here somewhere.
All I have to do is stand in line and not get distracted.
Dude, you got any gum? Oh, I know that I'm just asking for gum And that I might seem pretty dumb But I could be real fun I could be the one Now sweat.
Sweat Aah! No, I'm here for Damon! Uh, uh, uh Ah! Ha-ha, not going in there.
That was a joke.
(exhales) Come on, Dino, don't stress.
You're a strong, confident young man who isn't afraid of urinals.
Good for you, man.
Coming in.
Just another boy, so no big deal.
BOB: So, Teddy said we need to keep him very warm on the heating pad and feed him every one to two hours.
Or her.
Girls can be rats, too, Bob.
It does look like she has a little penis, though.
Aw.
- It's bigger than yours, Mom.
- Gene.
(rat fussing) - ALL: Aw - LINDA: Baby.
Okay, this heating pad shuts off automatically every 30 minutes, - so we'll need to set a timer.
- On it.
And I've got his sugar water all mixed up for when he gets hungry.
And I'm gonna order him the box set of The Wire for when he's ready.
And I'll teach him how to fight.
Probably Brazilian jiu-jitsu, because he's so small.
-(phone ringing) - A lot of ground stuff, lot of grappling.
Hello.
Bob's Burgers.
Oh, hi, Teddy.
What's that? Oh.
Okay.
All right, new thing: Teddy says we got to rub the rat's butt and genitals to make it pee and poop after we feed it.
That's all you, Dad.
I probably shouldn't be the one to do that, - since I cook all the food.
- Well, and I carry all the food.
- And I eat all the food.
- And I don't want to.
(sighs) Fine, I'll just wash my hands really, really well.
Like how surgeons do.
That's kind of cool.
I'll scrub in.
There you go, Dad.
You're like a cool, smelly surgeon.
Dr.
McGreasy.
I like the rat more than I like all of you.
Focusing on Damon with all these other boys around is gonna be harder than I thought.
Aah! Oh, sorry, I didn't think anyone was in here.
That-that's okay.
Are you hiding, too? - Um, kinda.
- My name's Chad.
I'm Dino.
Why are you hiding in here? Well, uh, I guess I'm just nervous.
I-I just wish I had a friend here, you know? To talk to.
But all-all my best friends are girls.
Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Whoa.
CHAD: Hey, girl, it's me I'm your best friend I'm super cute, but for now I'm just your friend You like that jock So I'll just wait And I'll even get him to take you out on a date We'll make a bet for his Corvette That he can't make you prom queen 'cause you're brunette I'm in the friend zone And I'm so alone So I'll just keep on fighting for you While I wear my headphones I feel sad.
And even when you become prom queen I'll keep on hoping I can be the boy of your dreams Why are you kissing her? I was just going to prom with you as a bet.
- A bet? (cries) - Tina! You were here all along, and now I finally see you.
Not in the friend zone And I'm not alone Now let's kiss over this cake 'Cause it's your birthday, I guess.
Yeah, let's say it's my birthday.
- (humming) - CHAD: Um - Ah! Damon! - Chad.
No, I know.
S-Sorry, I-I got to go.
Look, I put a little table in there for him.
I made it out of a bottle cap.
Should we make him some chairs? - Put in a little rug? - Lava lamp.
- Beanbag.
One bean.
- (door bells ding) Hello? Bob! Your not-friendly health inspector's here.
(chuckles) Oh, my God, it's Hugo.
Crap, crap, crap, crap! (gulping) (exhales) Thank you.
Normally, I wouldn't drink your water, Bob, but I'm inspecting the outdoor stands at the beach today.
It's hot out there, and I'm very susceptible to dehydration.
They should keep dumping water on you, like when they transport a dolphin.
Well, you probably got to get going, so, uh You know what? I think I'll have another water.
I'm not driving.
(laughs) (nervous laughter) Great.
Great.
Great, great, great, great, great.
- Can we just kill him? - Maybe, honey.
Maybe.
All right, focus, focus, focus.
He's cute.
(gasps) Damon! I'm coming for you! I'm okay.
Dino's okay.
Damon! Hi.
Excuse me, um, can I cut in front of you? My little brother is way up in the line, and he forgot his healthy snack? - Yeah, sure, whatever.
- All right, thanks.
Hey, can I cut in front of you? My brother's up ahead, and he forgot his shoes.
his voice medicine.
his lucky rabbit's butt.
Hi, um, is there any way I can cut in front of you? - See, my little - What? No.
- But-but I - Dude, you got to wait in line like the rest of us, all right? Ugh, you have to let me through.
My brother is ahead of me in line.
He's holding my place, and I promised my mom, Barbara, that I would watch him.
His name is Simon Garfunkel, and he loves to laugh.
All of that is true.
No dice, Beans and Rice.
You're not getting by me.
Whoa.
And in conclusion, that is why I think we should buy the company I was talking about.
- With money.
- (chuckles) Do you want to say something, Jesse? (scoffs) Yeah, I do.
I'm the guy who disagrees with everything you say You think that I'm a jerk And I feel the same way about you What are we gonna do? Your faxes are so taxing Your opinions are so strong We'll never get along, it's true - When I say red, you say blue Red.
- Blue.
Oh, I hate the way I love you And I love the way I hate you - And I kind of want to pinch you - But I kind of want to date you, too What should we do? But then we find ourselves going To Paris in first class Outside of the boardroom, I kind of like your sass We get loose Drinking too much grape juice I can't wait to land Wait, am I holding your hand? Rap time.
When we land in Paris, France We take our time, we do the dance Supposed to be business, but we're acting like friends Sampling the cheeses and we're eating the breads What is going on up in my noodle? You fall into the Seine while we're chasing a poodle I rescue you 'cause I'm really brave But I'm the one who's getting saved Then we do the big meeting, a perfect team They pay a billion French monies for our scheme Then we're getting married and we're living the dream Oh, I hate the way I love you But I love the way I hate you And I kind of want to pinch you But I kind of want to date you, too What should we do? TINA: Do you want to say something, Jesse? Yes, I do.
Are you free for lunch? - Yes.
- What, dude? - Girl.
I got a girl here! - Oh, crud.
Hey! Somebody stop that dude.
He's cutting in line, it's totally not fair.
Rules are rules, guys.
Rules are rules.
(exhales) All right, Bob, thank you for all the water.
I don't know why I'm so parched.
You're a thirsty bitch.
- Gene, don't say that.
- Why not? Well, I'm not gonna pay you for it because it's just water.
- Great, bye.
- (door bells ding) - (rat squeaking) - What was that? Oh, t-that was my, uh, uh, text notification.
Text notification, really? Who's the text from, Bob? Oh, uh, my, uh, mistress.
She's, uh, gross.
Uh, s-she's fine.
We're all fine.
Okay, I'll see you later, bye.
I didn't mean the ding, Bob.
I meant the squeaks.
Uh, let me, uh, let me go check on that.
Pick and roll, Gene.
Pick and roll.
- (Gene grumbling) - Whoa.
Drag him down, drag him down! - I am! Grab a leg! - Get off of me! Aha! Just flipping the burgers, Hugo.
What burgers, Bob? Didn't we tell you? Dad went insane.
It's okay, Dad.
Flip your burgers.
Hmm, that's funny.
I thought I was going insane, because for a minute there, I thought I heard the sound of a squeaking baby rat! (gasps) What? And I bet he's right there! Time for me to say hello to your little friend.
(gasping) What in the ? I know there was a rat in there.
I've seen this a thousand times.
The heating pad, the tiny little table you made for him.
As if he would ever eat at that table.
It's ridiculous! Uh, well, Hugo, we just had the heating pad down here for, uh My PMS.
So hormonal right now, so angry.
Yeah.
That's why I have a mistress.
And Gene and I were playing tomato dolls.
Yeah, we-we take the tomatoes and And put them in that box.
Yeah, tomato dolls.
Eh, we can't afford toys.
Sad.
- (rat squeaking) - There it is again! Bob, is that rat in your underwear? Well, Hugo, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to look at my privates, so I guess (straining): we'll never know.
- God, I respect this man.
- (Bob moaning) A-And, uh, and now we're closing, so, uh, - closing time, bye.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
We are closed for the day, so good-bye Hu (moans) Get out of here! Get away from my dad! Fine.
You win this one, Bob.
But I'll be back with a warrant for your underwear.
LOUISE: (growls) Just go.
HUGO: Stop it.
Stop pushing me.
(door bells ding) Ugh.
Okay, I got to get it out.
Oh, God, it's going lower.
- Bob, no! - (screams) Ah, ah, oh! Oh, wait, it's-it's fine now.
- (panting): Damon.
- Yeah? Hi.
Um, I don't know if you'll recognize me.
- We met earlier today.
- Uh Oh.
We did.
Sure.
No, I don't.
I don't remember you.
Uh, this is my best friend Hayden.
- Sup? - Whoa.
I think you're out of this world But you're my best friend's girl I want to kiss your face, oh, oh I'm so lost in space My best friend Hayden? What are you doing here in space? I'm just here with my colleague slash girlfriend Tina.
You're supposed to be down on the ground doing ground stuff.
- I finished it.
- Well, maybe space isn't big enough for the both of us.
Yeah.
You're right.
That's why you should leave.
I'll stay here with Tina, and you go do ground stuff.
- Boys, stop.
Don't fight over me.
- Rap battle.
What are you doing in space? It ain't your place Hands off my girl or I'll hit your face I didn't come to fight, I came to dance, 'cause out in space We don't need pants Yeah, that's right, don't be mad at me My pants flew off 'cause there's no gravity Keep talking.
(harmonizing): There's no pants in space Uranus can't see your anus And Venus can't see your penis - Pants on Jupiter - There's nothing stupider Oh, you moon the Moon, it moons you back It moons me back In space, we don't wear slacks.
Hey, what's the policy on shirts here? Do you think they would float? Just want to whip them off real quick? Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Damn it.
Damon, I am so sorry.
- Sorry for what? - For not loving you enough.
- I'm sorry, what? - Um What's happening? Yes, that's right.
It's me.
The beautiful, aloof, yet very kind girl who carries napkins.
Oh, uh Yeah, yeah.
From earlier.
Yes.
From that incredible moment.
- I mean, ah mm-Kay.
- Shh.
I came here to find you so we could turn that moment into a million moments.
But my family was right.
I am boy crazy.
(sighs) I'm nuts for butts.
Hey, it's a girl! I've got seven non-boys in the warm-up room.
Requesting backup.
So, she's not in any real trouble, but we got to make sure an adult takes the girls home, or else they keep sneaking in over and over again.
(sighs) God, I didn't think this is how my life would turn out.
So, where is he? Where's the dream boy to top all dream boys? Out getting a marriage license? No, you were right.
You were all right.
I am boy crazy.
I fantasized about 3.
5 other boys on my way to find Damon.
Couldn't even make it one afternoon focused on one boy.
- Aw.
You know what, Tina? - What? I think it's great that you're boy crazy.
- You do? - Of course.
We all think it's great.
Right? - I love it.
- Get it, girl! You love it, too.
Right, Bob? Yeah, I think it's great that you go crazy a lot for them.
Huh.
Maybe being boy crazy is okay.
It's great.
You have imagination and heart.
You're a hopeful romantic.
You fall in love as many times as you want, honey.
Each one is lucky to have you.
Except Jimmy Jr.
I'm not sold on him.
- Wait, what? - Nothing.
MAN (over radio): We need everyone to the front of the convention center.
The winner is being announced.
- Winner? That was quick.
- Yeah, the boys are gonna sing with the winner out in front of the building.
You want to come out and watch this dumb publicity stunt? How dumb we talking? I could go for another visit to the boy-ffet.
There she is.
Dad, why are you carrying a box? Oh, it's Teddy's baby rat.
- We're kind of co-parenting.
- Can I see him? He-he's gonna be a mess if we wake him up from his nap.
- Can we do it later? - I was just being nice.
- I don't really want to see him.
- Yeah, right.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and girls, put your hands together for Matt, Griffin, Allen! And let's meet the newest member of the band.
He's coming out of the crowd right now.
Who is he? Come on up here and let us get a look at your face.
- (crowd gasping) - Boo Boo! Did you miss me? (cheering) I mean, I-is it him? I-I'm not even sure.
Who cares? Because I missed you.
But mostly, I missed myself.
Because I just wasn't myself without these guys.
The right number of boys for you Is four, four-ever I'm back The right number of boys for you - Is four, four-ever - BOO BOO: Come on! One is the loneliest number And tea for two is bland Three's a crowd, so say it loud Four, no more, is where it's at 'cause The right number of boys for you Is four, forever - Why not five? - You'll feel alive - Or even six - Yeah, get your kicks - How about seven? - Sounds like heaven - Eight could be great - No pants in space More, more, more forever - More, more, more forever.
- Boys! The right number of boys for you Is four, forever The right number of boys for you Is four, forever - How 'bout nine? - Sure, that's fine - Even ten? - Let's say ten then - Ooh, 11 - Still sounds like heaven - Maybe 12? - Girl, help yourself - Then there's 13 - Couldn't hurt-teen TINA: One, two, three, more! The right number of boys for you Is four, forever.
My body, my rules, Father.
- I'm crumbling bacon in mine.
- Gene, stop it.
Wait.
Is that good? Give-give me some bacon.
Ooh, fun oatmeal mix-ups.
- Ow.
- Bacon block! Wait.
Here's the Boyz 4 Now story.
- Zip your B-holes.
- B-holes? - Breakfast holes.
Shh.
- Oh.
This is Olsen Benner, reporting - from the convention center - (laughing): Hi.
where the Boyz 4 Now open call auditions - Hi! I'm on TV! - are about to get underway.
After popular boy-band boy Boo Boo left the band, their album Three is More Than Four did not top the charts.
Three is more than four So, the Boyz 3 Now are hunting for a quote unquote, "new Boo Boo," so they can be four once more.
I'm here with Boyz 4 Now super-fan Gertie Humikowski.
I don't like that there are only three.
There has to be four! BENNER: And now, the nationwide talent search is here in the Seymour's Bay area, where boys aged 12 to 17 will soon be lining up.
Girls, however, will not be permitted within 50 yards of the entrance after several incidents around the country.
We had to rescue a girl from an air duct.
She crawled right up in there.
Not safe, girls.
Don't do it.
So girls, stay away.
Boys, come to play.
Whoo.
That's gonna be a real smorgas-boy'd.
They're never gonna find someone as slappable as Boo Boo to take his place.
His face fits right in my tiny little hand.
- Gene, you want to go audition? - No way.
I'm gonna replace Baby Spice when she grows up, but she's just a baby, so that's gonna be a while.
No one asked me if I wanted to audition.
I'm the same age as Matt.
- Matt's 89? - What? No.
Matt's 17.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Sure he is.
I think it's gonna be a good day for the restaurant.
The heat wave is gonna bring us a lot of foot traffic from people heading to the beach, right? Yeah.
They've got feet, and they got to eat.
LINDA: Bob, I thought we got napkins yesterday.
- Where'd they go? - I must've left them in the car.
Louise, can you go get them? You know I can't use my legs, Father.
(coughs) I have cough-legs.
I wish I could run like the other children.
I'll go, Dad.
I like a little junk from the trunk.
All right, Tina, the car is at the curb down the block.
We couldn't pull into the alley to drop them off because your mom said the raccoons were having a birthday party.
It wasn't a birthday party, Bob.
Little King Trash Mouth and his husband Gary were renewing their vows, I think.
It's their anniversary, so it makes sense.
No, it doesn't, but it's fine.
- Yeah.
- (scoffs) What? - No, yeah.
- No.
No.
- Yeah.
- Hmm No, it was definitely their anniversary, now that I think about it.
Hey, uh, mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Aah! - Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm so sorry.
Um, can I help you up? Whoa.
Girl, when these napkins are in the air I want to kiss your lips and comb your hair It's love at first sight Now it's our wedding night Is this really happening? Girl, are we napkin-ing? Yes, this is happening Girl, we are napkin-ing Napkin-ing.
- Are-are you okay? - Oh, yeah.
Uh, hi.
I'm Tina.
- Yeah, I'm Damon.
- Damon.
Damon.
Yeah.
Ah, shoot.
You know what? I'd love to stay and talk, but I have to catch a bus to the convention center for a tryout.
- So bye.
- Oh, good luck.
Uh, thanks.
Sorry about your napkins.
I hope they can still clean things.
Damon, I Oh.
He's gone.
But he left this shoe.
- No, wait.
That's a pigeon.
- (cooing) Oh, hey, Tina.
Those napkins look different.
Someone bumped into me, and I dropped them, and also, my whole life is probably gonna change now.
Here, Tina, give 'em to me, hon.
Okay, but I need to keep one as a souvenir of the day I met Damon.
He was running to catch the bus to the Boyz 4 Now auditions, and he bumped into me, and we touched hands, and it might be love at first sight.
- Welp, here we go again.
- What do you mean? Oh, I don't know.
It's not like you fall in love at first sight all the time.
Whoa.
Whoa.
(grunts) Excuse me.
Whoa.
Okay, maybe once or twice.
- A minute.
- It's fine.
You're young, you have fun.
What are you guys trying to say? We're trying to say you're something that rhymes with "shmoy shmazy.
" Okay, I'm not boy crazy.
I'm boy focused.
And I really think Damon could be the one.
One of many.
Many ones.
All right, guys, leave Tina alone.
She has an active imagination about boys.
TINA: It's not my imagination.
My feelings are real.
Damon is probably my soul mate.
I'll-I'll show you.
I'll I'll go down to those auditions and find Damon - and start our life together.
- Oh, Tina.
They're not gonna let girls in the auditions.
Remember? The news? No girls allowed.
(sighs) Damn it.
Well, then, I'll dress as a boy.
- Ooh, that's fun.
- No.
Not that that's not a great idea, but we need Tina here.
It-It's gonna be a busy day.
Ugh.
Fine.
(sighs) - Aw.
- "Aw" what? Tina wants to go find her crush.
It's sweet.
Wait, Linda, you want her to go? I don't think it'll do any harm, Bob.
They'll probably just spot that she's a girl and send her home anyway.
(sighs) Fine.
Tina, we have some good news.
(sighs) What? You can dress as a boy and go find that kid.
I can? Thank you.
I'm gonna prove that Damon's my true love, so say good-bye to Tina.
And say hello to Dino.
My Annie wig! I knew she'd live to dance another day.
Next time you see me, I'll be in a serious relationship with one boy only.
Damon.
I'm not boy crazy.
I've never felt more boy sane.
Am I nuts or is Dino hot? - (door bells ding) - Linda, Bob.
Linda, Bob.
Teddy, what is it? Why are we whispering? I-I just need to show you what's in the box.
I found this at the place I'm working up the street.
I just need you to take care of it till I'm off later.
Promise me you'll take care of it.
- Promise me, promise me! - What? No.
We don't even know what it is yet.
Okay.
I'll show you.
- No loud noises.
- I'll tell my butt.
Oh, my God, what is it? LOUISE: What did you do to Mort? - BOB: Huh.
Is that a squirrel? - TEDDY: A squirrel? You think this cute little guy is a stupid, lowlife squirrel? No, I would never bring a squirrel in here, Bobby.
What do you think, I'm out of my mind? - What is it then? - It's a rat.
A baby rat.
- Oh.
Okay, get out.
- Bob, no, please, please.
We can't have a rat in the restaurant, Teddy.
It's just for a couple of hours.
Otherwise, he's gonna die.
- Okay.
- All you got to do is keep him warm with a heating pad, and then give him some sugar water.
- You can do that, right, Bobby? - Hmm.
I've nursed dozens of baby rats.
Your nipples must be a mess.
Look, Teddy, I'm sorry.
- It's just that we can't - (rat squeaking) BOB: Oh, my God, look at it.
I'm crying.
(sobs) I would die for this rat.
(crowd shouting) Ugh.
What was I thinking? No one's gonna believe I'm a boy.
GIRL: Oh, my God, a boy! That's right, sweetheart.
Yes! Okay, just gonna pop in, find Damon, tell him I think we're meant to be together forever, and I won't get distracted by all the other Oh, my God.
Aah, so many butts age 12 to 17.
Okay.
Focus, Tina.
Damon's here somewhere.
All I have to do is stand in line and not get distracted.
Dude, you got any gum? Oh, I know that I'm just asking for gum And that I might seem pretty dumb But I could be real fun I could be the one Now sweat.
Sweat Aah! No, I'm here for Damon! Uh, uh, uh Ah! Ha-ha, not going in there.
That was a joke.
(exhales) Come on, Dino, don't stress.
You're a strong, confident young man who isn't afraid of urinals.
Good for you, man.
Coming in.
Just another boy, so no big deal.
BOB: So, Teddy said we need to keep him very warm on the heating pad and feed him every one to two hours.
Or her.
Girls can be rats, too, Bob.
It does look like she has a little penis, though.
Aw.
- It's bigger than yours, Mom.
- Gene.
(rat fussing) - ALL: Aw - LINDA: Baby.
Okay, this heating pad shuts off automatically every 30 minutes, - so we'll need to set a timer.
- On it.
And I've got his sugar water all mixed up for when he gets hungry.
And I'm gonna order him the box set of The Wire for when he's ready.
And I'll teach him how to fight.
Probably Brazilian jiu-jitsu, because he's so small.
-(phone ringing) - A lot of ground stuff, lot of grappling.
Hello.
Bob's Burgers.
Oh, hi, Teddy.
What's that? Oh.
Okay.
All right, new thing: Teddy says we got to rub the rat's butt and genitals to make it pee and poop after we feed it.
That's all you, Dad.
I probably shouldn't be the one to do that, - since I cook all the food.
- Well, and I carry all the food.
- And I eat all the food.
- And I don't want to.
(sighs) Fine, I'll just wash my hands really, really well.
Like how surgeons do.
That's kind of cool.
I'll scrub in.
There you go, Dad.
You're like a cool, smelly surgeon.
Dr.
McGreasy.
I like the rat more than I like all of you.
Focusing on Damon with all these other boys around is gonna be harder than I thought.
Aah! Oh, sorry, I didn't think anyone was in here.
That-that's okay.
Are you hiding, too? - Um, kinda.
- My name's Chad.
I'm Dino.
Why are you hiding in here? Well, uh, I guess I'm just nervous.
I-I just wish I had a friend here, you know? To talk to.
But all-all my best friends are girls.
Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Whoa.
CHAD: Hey, girl, it's me I'm your best friend I'm super cute, but for now I'm just your friend You like that jock So I'll just wait And I'll even get him to take you out on a date We'll make a bet for his Corvette That he can't make you prom queen 'cause you're brunette I'm in the friend zone And I'm so alone So I'll just keep on fighting for you While I wear my headphones I feel sad.
And even when you become prom queen I'll keep on hoping I can be the boy of your dreams Why are you kissing her? I was just going to prom with you as a bet.
- A bet? (cries) - Tina! You were here all along, and now I finally see you.
Not in the friend zone And I'm not alone Now let's kiss over this cake 'Cause it's your birthday, I guess.
Yeah, let's say it's my birthday.
- (humming) - CHAD: Um - Ah! Damon! - Chad.
No, I know.
S-Sorry, I-I got to go.
Look, I put a little table in there for him.
I made it out of a bottle cap.
Should we make him some chairs? - Put in a little rug? - Lava lamp.
- Beanbag.
One bean.
- (door bells ding) Hello? Bob! Your not-friendly health inspector's here.
(chuckles) Oh, my God, it's Hugo.
Crap, crap, crap, crap! (gulping) (exhales) Thank you.
Normally, I wouldn't drink your water, Bob, but I'm inspecting the outdoor stands at the beach today.
It's hot out there, and I'm very susceptible to dehydration.
They should keep dumping water on you, like when they transport a dolphin.
Well, you probably got to get going, so, uh You know what? I think I'll have another water.
I'm not driving.
(laughs) (nervous laughter) Great.
Great.
Great, great, great, great, great.
- Can we just kill him? - Maybe, honey.
Maybe.
All right, focus, focus, focus.
He's cute.
(gasps) Damon! I'm coming for you! I'm okay.
Dino's okay.
Damon! Hi.
Excuse me, um, can I cut in front of you? My little brother is way up in the line, and he forgot his healthy snack? - Yeah, sure, whatever.
- All right, thanks.
Hey, can I cut in front of you? My brother's up ahead, and he forgot his shoes.
his voice medicine.
his lucky rabbit's butt.
Hi, um, is there any way I can cut in front of you? - See, my little - What? No.
- But-but I - Dude, you got to wait in line like the rest of us, all right? Ugh, you have to let me through.
My brother is ahead of me in line.
He's holding my place, and I promised my mom, Barbara, that I would watch him.
His name is Simon Garfunkel, and he loves to laugh.
All of that is true.
No dice, Beans and Rice.
You're not getting by me.
Whoa.
And in conclusion, that is why I think we should buy the company I was talking about.
- With money.
- (chuckles) Do you want to say something, Jesse? (scoffs) Yeah, I do.
I'm the guy who disagrees with everything you say You think that I'm a jerk And I feel the same way about you What are we gonna do? Your faxes are so taxing Your opinions are so strong We'll never get along, it's true - When I say red, you say blue Red.
- Blue.
Oh, I hate the way I love you And I love the way I hate you - And I kind of want to pinch you - But I kind of want to date you, too What should we do? But then we find ourselves going To Paris in first class Outside of the boardroom, I kind of like your sass We get loose Drinking too much grape juice I can't wait to land Wait, am I holding your hand? Rap time.
When we land in Paris, France We take our time, we do the dance Supposed to be business, but we're acting like friends Sampling the cheeses and we're eating the breads What is going on up in my noodle? You fall into the Seine while we're chasing a poodle I rescue you 'cause I'm really brave But I'm the one who's getting saved Then we do the big meeting, a perfect team They pay a billion French monies for our scheme Then we're getting married and we're living the dream Oh, I hate the way I love you But I love the way I hate you And I kind of want to pinch you But I kind of want to date you, too What should we do? TINA: Do you want to say something, Jesse? Yes, I do.
Are you free for lunch? - Yes.
- What, dude? - Girl.
I got a girl here! - Oh, crud.
Hey! Somebody stop that dude.
He's cutting in line, it's totally not fair.
Rules are rules, guys.
Rules are rules.
(exhales) All right, Bob, thank you for all the water.
I don't know why I'm so parched.
You're a thirsty bitch.
- Gene, don't say that.
- Why not? Well, I'm not gonna pay you for it because it's just water.
- Great, bye.
- (door bells ding) - (rat squeaking) - What was that? Oh, t-that was my, uh, uh, text notification.
Text notification, really? Who's the text from, Bob? Oh, uh, my, uh, mistress.
She's, uh, gross.
Uh, s-she's fine.
We're all fine.
Okay, I'll see you later, bye.
I didn't mean the ding, Bob.
I meant the squeaks.
Uh, let me, uh, let me go check on that.
Pick and roll, Gene.
Pick and roll.
- (Gene grumbling) - Whoa.
Drag him down, drag him down! - I am! Grab a leg! - Get off of me! Aha! Just flipping the burgers, Hugo.
What burgers, Bob? Didn't we tell you? Dad went insane.
It's okay, Dad.
Flip your burgers.
Hmm, that's funny.
I thought I was going insane, because for a minute there, I thought I heard the sound of a squeaking baby rat! (gasps) What? And I bet he's right there! Time for me to say hello to your little friend.
(gasping) What in the ? I know there was a rat in there.
I've seen this a thousand times.
The heating pad, the tiny little table you made for him.
As if he would ever eat at that table.
It's ridiculous! Uh, well, Hugo, we just had the heating pad down here for, uh My PMS.
So hormonal right now, so angry.
Yeah.
That's why I have a mistress.
And Gene and I were playing tomato dolls.
Yeah, we-we take the tomatoes and And put them in that box.
Yeah, tomato dolls.
Eh, we can't afford toys.
Sad.
- (rat squeaking) - There it is again! Bob, is that rat in your underwear? Well, Hugo, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to look at my privates, so I guess (straining): we'll never know.
- God, I respect this man.
- (Bob moaning) A-And, uh, and now we're closing, so, uh, - closing time, bye.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
We are closed for the day, so good-bye Hu (moans) Get out of here! Get away from my dad! Fine.
You win this one, Bob.
But I'll be back with a warrant for your underwear.
LOUISE: (growls) Just go.
HUGO: Stop it.
Stop pushing me.
(door bells ding) Ugh.
Okay, I got to get it out.
Oh, God, it's going lower.
- Bob, no! - (screams) Ah, ah, oh! Oh, wait, it's-it's fine now.
- (panting): Damon.
- Yeah? Hi.
Um, I don't know if you'll recognize me.
- We met earlier today.
- Uh Oh.
We did.
Sure.
No, I don't.
I don't remember you.
Uh, this is my best friend Hayden.
- Sup? - Whoa.
I think you're out of this world But you're my best friend's girl I want to kiss your face, oh, oh I'm so lost in space My best friend Hayden? What are you doing here in space? I'm just here with my colleague slash girlfriend Tina.
You're supposed to be down on the ground doing ground stuff.
- I finished it.
- Well, maybe space isn't big enough for the both of us.
Yeah.
You're right.
That's why you should leave.
I'll stay here with Tina, and you go do ground stuff.
- Boys, stop.
Don't fight over me.
- Rap battle.
What are you doing in space? It ain't your place Hands off my girl or I'll hit your face I didn't come to fight, I came to dance, 'cause out in space We don't need pants Yeah, that's right, don't be mad at me My pants flew off 'cause there's no gravity Keep talking.
(harmonizing): There's no pants in space Uranus can't see your anus And Venus can't see your penis - Pants on Jupiter - There's nothing stupider Oh, you moon the Moon, it moons you back It moons me back In space, we don't wear slacks.
Hey, what's the policy on shirts here? Do you think they would float? Just want to whip them off real quick? Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Damn it.
Damon, I am so sorry.
- Sorry for what? - For not loving you enough.
- I'm sorry, what? - Um What's happening? Yes, that's right.
It's me.
The beautiful, aloof, yet very kind girl who carries napkins.
Oh, uh Yeah, yeah.
From earlier.
Yes.
From that incredible moment.
- I mean, ah mm-Kay.
- Shh.
I came here to find you so we could turn that moment into a million moments.
But my family was right.
I am boy crazy.
(sighs) I'm nuts for butts.
Hey, it's a girl! I've got seven non-boys in the warm-up room.
Requesting backup.
So, she's not in any real trouble, but we got to make sure an adult takes the girls home, or else they keep sneaking in over and over again.
(sighs) God, I didn't think this is how my life would turn out.
So, where is he? Where's the dream boy to top all dream boys? Out getting a marriage license? No, you were right.
You were all right.
I am boy crazy.
I fantasized about 3.
5 other boys on my way to find Damon.
Couldn't even make it one afternoon focused on one boy.
- Aw.
You know what, Tina? - What? I think it's great that you're boy crazy.
- You do? - Of course.
We all think it's great.
Right? - I love it.
- Get it, girl! You love it, too.
Right, Bob? Yeah, I think it's great that you go crazy a lot for them.
Huh.
Maybe being boy crazy is okay.
It's great.
You have imagination and heart.
You're a hopeful romantic.
You fall in love as many times as you want, honey.
Each one is lucky to have you.
Except Jimmy Jr.
I'm not sold on him.
- Wait, what? - Nothing.
MAN (over radio): We need everyone to the front of the convention center.
The winner is being announced.
- Winner? That was quick.
- Yeah, the boys are gonna sing with the winner out in front of the building.
You want to come out and watch this dumb publicity stunt? How dumb we talking? I could go for another visit to the boy-ffet.
There she is.
Dad, why are you carrying a box? Oh, it's Teddy's baby rat.
- We're kind of co-parenting.
- Can I see him? He-he's gonna be a mess if we wake him up from his nap.
- Can we do it later? - I was just being nice.
- I don't really want to see him.
- Yeah, right.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and girls, put your hands together for Matt, Griffin, Allen! And let's meet the newest member of the band.
He's coming out of the crowd right now.
Who is he? Come on up here and let us get a look at your face.
- (crowd gasping) - Boo Boo! Did you miss me? (cheering) I mean, I-is it him? I-I'm not even sure.
Who cares? Because I missed you.
But mostly, I missed myself.
Because I just wasn't myself without these guys.
The right number of boys for you Is four, four-ever I'm back The right number of boys for you - Is four, four-ever - BOO BOO: Come on! One is the loneliest number And tea for two is bland Three's a crowd, so say it loud Four, no more, is where it's at 'cause The right number of boys for you Is four, forever - Why not five? - You'll feel alive - Or even six - Yeah, get your kicks - How about seven? - Sounds like heaven - Eight could be great - No pants in space More, more, more forever - More, more, more forever.
- Boys! The right number of boys for you Is four, forever The right number of boys for you Is four, forever - How 'bout nine? - Sure, that's fine - Even ten? - Let's say ten then - Ooh, 11 - Still sounds like heaven - Maybe 12? - Girl, help yourself - Then there's 13 - Couldn't hurt-teen TINA: One, two, three, more! The right number of boys for you Is four, forever.