Family Guy s09e01 Episode Script

Attention, everyone, mail call! Meg, Teen People, Chris, Amazing Spider-Man Lois, Redbook, World War II Army Guy, a letter from your gal.
Open that one up, buddy.
- All right, at ease, at ease.
"Dear Willy, it's been lonesome since you've been away.
" You hear that, fellas? She misses me! You're all wet.
Hey, check this out.
We got invited to a party.
"Peter Griffin, you and your family are cordially invited to a gala dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor.
" - What? What are they honoring you for? - Who cares? It's for the whole weekend.
And it's free.
- Well, who's the invitation from? - It doesn't say.
You're not gonna go, are you? It's clearly some kind of scam.
Then maybe we just go, and you go to the kennel.
Not the kennel.
Last time you left me there for an hour.
Or 10 years, I don't know.
There's no clock.
You stink when you come out of there.
We're going and that's that.
I'm gonna "rsvp.
" - You mean RSVP? - Hillary Clinton's the VP.
No, she's Secretary of State.
- Rhode Island.
- What? - I don't understand what's happening.
- We're going to a party.
Yay! Wait, who the hell lives all the way out here, huh? Lois? Oh, you're asleep.
Kids? Anybody awake? Just me? Huh? Oh.
I'm the only one awake.
Just me.
Peter.
I can do whatever I want.
Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices.
Hi, partner, I'm a cattle rustler.
I rustle cattle.
Oh, well, that's turning out good.
Gotta use that.
Oi.
Oi, oi, mate.
It sure is not so very nice in this part of London.
Oh, wow, that one's really good.
Go ahead and keep that one to myself.
How bad would I kick myself if someone ran off and made millions with that? Hey, uh Hey, hey, everybody.
Hey, there.
What's this one? Who's this guy? Who am I? I need a character.
I need a back story.
I'm a I'm a pie-man.
I sell pies.
Oh, man, see, this is why I wish I had more time to myself.
I know these are good because I'm my toughest critic.
Dad, are we almost there? Shit.
Uh, yeah.
According to the map, we're pretty close.
Peter, look.
My God, this is absolutely beautiful.
I bet Jeff Probst has a house like this.
- Joe? - Peter? What are you guys doing here? We got an invitation to a dinner in my honor.
I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month.
Weird.
My invitation said it was in my honor.
I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet.
Which I almost did till I pooped on the S.
Ah, well.
Everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway.
What the? Derek and Jillian? - Wow.
Hi, Brian.
- Hey, kiddo.
- What are you guys doing here? - I got a card that says they're throwing a dinner in my honor.
What the hell's going on here? Everybody got the same invitation? Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half of the cheeseburger I'll see if they have a freezer so I can keep it nice.
I'm gonna walk around, I think my vagina's asleep.
Oh.
Hey.
Uh Didn't think I'd see anyone I knew here.
This, uh - This is Stephanie.
- Hi, everybody.
Oh, my gosh! I never thought I'd meet Glenn's friends.
Yeah, I figured, why not? You know, you and I see each other from time to time.
Oh, my God, we, like, never see each other.
This guy.
You, like, disappear for a month, and then you call me? So silly.
You're lucky I like you so much.
Okay, why don't you go ahead and take the bags in? Wow, it looks like the whole town got invited.
Mr.
Peter, Mr.
Joe, Mr.
Bonnie.
She doesn't know what "Mr.
" means.
Mr.
Mort.
Mr.
Muriel.
Mayor West Mister.
Oh, my God, seriously.
I know what you're all thinking, but fear not, citizens.
While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.
Take a letter, hold my calls.
That's a matter for the Parks Department.
If you will all please follow me to third floor, I show you to your rooms.
You are all expected for dinner at 8:00.
Oh, good.
I'm starved.
Settle down, will you? None of this makes any sense.
Everyone got invitations from an anonymous source for a dinner in their honor, when that's clearly not the case.
Now we're here, where the hell's our host? At least you all had evening wear provided for you.
I thought this was a lawn party.
I don't have one pair of long pants.
It's kind of awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek.
Wonder if she's thinking about me.
I don't know.
Are you a pony or the color blue? - Derek, look.
- Huh.
How do you like that? Have you guys ever seen Jim Henson's Labyrinth? No.
Have you seen the Channel Five News? - No.
Uh, Labyrinth has teenage Jennifer Connelly.
Channel Five News has file footage of pills being sorted.
People think Jennifer Connelly's old now and that her hands look like two bags of snakes.
- I think that's bogus.
- I don't think we have much in common.
- You watch NCIS? - Yes, sir.
Yes, I do.
- CBS knows what we want.
- Yeah, they get our generation.
They do.
They really do.
- I switch over for the Leno though.
- Yeah, me too.
I'm glad he's back.
I don't know who that month-old jack o' lantern was but I didn't get this brand of humor.
Good heavens, Meg, you're sprouting up like a weed.
I know.
She's growing every day.
- Meg, you remember Dr.
Hartman? - Of course she does.
I performed her very first pelvic exam.
Unless I'm confusing you with someone else.
Nope.
That was That was you.
Good evening, everyone.
James Woods.
Thank you for joining me at my humble manor.
I'd like to introduce you to my lovely companion, Priscilla.
Nice to meet you all.
- Who's he? - James Woods.
Oh, I thought he was a shark.
No, he was a on a show called Shark.
- But he's made of wood? - No, his last name is Woods but he's not made of wood.
Nobody is.
This truly is a night to celebrate, especially for me.
What's going on here, Woods? The invitation said this was a dinner in my honor.
- That's what mine said too.
- Me too.
- Mine too.
- Same here! Where's the food? - Actually, this dinner honors all of you.
Where should I begin? You see, recently I've become a born-again Christian.
Thanks to this beautiful little angel.
She came into my life as if out of nowhere enchanted me beyond my wildest dreams and opened my eyes to the cleansing truth of Jesus Christ's love.
Oh, honey, it was always within you.
I just helped you find it.
Um, what does all this gay stuff have to do with us? The fact of the matter is I have wronged each and every one of you in some way.
And, since I am a man of God now, I am truly repentant.
So I invited you all here to make amends.
Why the hell should we trust you? You've been terrorizing our family for years.
I understand that there is some healing to do here tonight and I am prepared to be patient.
Please, won't you just give me a chance? And I promise you won't be disappointed.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go check on dinner.
Oh, I'll help you, sweetheart.
- This is all very strange.
- I agree.
Something's not right.
I don't know, maybe we should give him a chance.
Maybe he really is born again.
Well, he could be.
It all depends on what his astrological sign is.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
I'm very intuitive with these things.
Maybe if I sit in his chair, I can get a reading on his energy.
I mean, if he's an Aquarius a rebirth would not be unexpected.
- That's enough, Stephanie.
You know, It's like when I did Glenn's star chart.
Did the? Did the cork hit me? My God.
She's dead.
She's been shot.
I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy.
Oh, my God.
It was him.
It was James Woods.
He killed her.
Jesus, I knew he was crazy, but I didn't think he was a murderer.
Oh, he must've brought us here to kill us all.
Run! Run for your lives! We gotta get out of here.
Come on, get in the car.
- Oh, my God, Peter, back it up! - Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward.
That might be a fun thing to do.
Stop fighting! Quick, Peter, get in the back.
Oh, thank God.
We made it.
My neck.
You backed into me, and now Oh! And your back.
- And my back.
My back, yes.
Oh.
All right, it looks like we're stuck here.
Storm has flooded the causeway, and the bridge is destroyed.
For the moment, there's no way out.
No Way Out, great film.
Sean Young naked in the limo.
- Well, maybe the storm will let up soon.
- I don't know, it's a hard rain.
Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman.
"We just want the money.
" We should have known this was coming.
There's been three days of thunder.
Tom Cruise, race cars.
Those are my bed sheets.
What are we gonna do? We can't stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house.
Does anyone have a cell phone? - I'm not getting any reception.
- Me neither.
- No bars! - It's all right.
I'll put a message in a bottle.
Now we wait.
- Look, he's got a landline we can use.
- Oh, no.
I wouldn't feel right about that.
We're guests, and it's long distance.
Doesn't matter.
The line's dead.
Oh, my God! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right.
Look, everybody but Chris just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this.
He's right.
We gotta stay calm.
- With a killer in the house? - Killer in the house.
Oh, my God.
I just realized something.
James Woods hates me the most.
That means he's probably gonna kill me next.
Well, I reckon if I was a cattle rustler, I wouldn't be afraid.
- Oh, Peter, that's good.
- I know, Lois.
Hey, guys, has anybody seen James? Sweetheart, you may wanna sit down for this.
Who want little tiny tacos? Oh, little taco.
I'll have one of those.
- It's him! - Sorry I took so long.
I was going to the bathroom, and I just couldn't stop looking at my penis because it's, you know, so fantastic.
You're a I heard it's fantastic.
You're a monster, James Woods! You think you can commit murder and get away with it? - Quagmire loved that girl.
Easy.
Murder? What are you talking about? You're going away for a long time, pal.
- Jimmy, what does he mean? - I don't know what's going on here.
Maybe that dead pile of cookie dough in the next room will refresh your memory.
What do you mean? There's nothing in the next room.
It's gone.
Where is she? What'd you do with the body? What body? You know, maybe she wasn't dead.
I'll admit it, I'm not great with that stuff.
I don't know what's happening here, but look, I'm a lot of things.
A member of Mensa, a huge hit with the ladies.
Someone who would have broken out bigger if he weren't so impossible to work with.
But a murderer? I only just found God.
Why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven? If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut till you talk to a lawyer.
I didn't kill anybody.
Oh, my God.
Is this what black people see all the time? Look! He's dead.
- Oh, my God.
- Nice.
Nobody touch the knife.
There could be fingerprints on it.
So James Woods murdered Stephanie, and then he murdered himself.
- Criss-cross.
- Oh, Peter.
Don't you see? He didn't kill himself, and he didn't kill Stephanie.
- What are you saying? - James Woods isn't the murderer.
The murderer is one of us.
And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet.
Now I hope I die next.
Okay, everyone, it's important that we all stay calm.
How are we supposed to stay calm? There's a killer in the room.
We all gotta get out of here.
We're gonna die.
Mr.
Mayor, pull yourself together.
Wait a minute.
Joe, look.
Oh, my God.
- Stephanie was an accident.
- That's a way of putting it.
What do you mean, Joe? This gun was timed to fire at that chair where James Woods would have been sitting.
But he left, and Stephanie was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
So whoever the murderer is, they were after James Woods, not Stephanie.
The question is, who here wanted James Woods dead? Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues.
Oh, my God.
I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts.
- Nobody's even looking at you.
- That's what I mean.
The fact no one said anything makes it even more obvious everyone noticed.
Brian, look what I found! Check it out.
I'm a robot from outer space.
Hang on.
I'm coming down.
Go, go, gadget skis.
Uh-oh.
All right, since it's my fault that Joe got knocked out it is now my responsibility to take over the investigation.
- I don't know if that actually follows.
- It does follow, Brian.
Because I'm the one with the giant magnifying glass.
- Is my eye big? - Yeah.
Good.
Good.
That means progress.
Let's figure out what we know here.
The gun was meant to kill Jimmy Woods, but Stephanie got in the way.
So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods.
- What? What? What is that? - What? Don't call him Jimmy Woods like you're in the Hollywood set.
Brian did one TV pilot and he thinks he can call the star of Cape Fear Bobby Di Niro.
- Who's the director, Brian? - Marty Scorsese.
- Star of Silence of the Lambs? - Tony Hopkins.
- Who sang "Hold On To The Night"? - Dick Marx.
Who's the cast of Miami Vice? Donny Johnny, Philly Mikey Tommy and Eddie Jimmy Olmos.
Ugh.
You are You are just douchey to the core.
Whoever the killer is, they had a reason for wanting James Woods dead.
Now, who here has a motive? Well, according to James Woods, we all did.
He brought us here to make amends.
But he wronged one of us enough to want revenge.
The question is, who? Well, I know one person who could have.
My partner Tom.
All right, it's true.
James Woods ruined my career.
I originally wanted to be an actor.
I booked the lead role in Nightmare On Elm Street.
James Woods said, "No, don't bother.
Something else will come along.
" So I turned it down.
And now this Robert Englund is the talk of the town.
That should be me everyone's talking about.
Oh, my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep.
We're in a dream right now.
That's right, you are in a dream, children.
Which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me.
Freddy Krueger.
Ha, ha.
Is it? Is it Krueger? Was I angry? Yes, of course.
But I didn't kill him.
What about Seamus? You hated James Woods.
You told me so.
Aye, he's the one who made me what I am today.
I wish you were a real, live ornery sea captain.
But he didn't wish hard enough.
It only worked on me head.
- Oh, my God.
Seriously? - No, I was a normal guy until one night we dropped acid together and he thought I was a steak.
Grilled me, ate my arms and legs.
It was a whole thing.
But I'm not the killer.
What about the mayor? He could have killed him and got off scot-free! He took the Twitter name Mayor West so now I have to use Mayor underscore West.
That rat-faced cracker.
But you hated him too, Dr.
Hartman.
He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office.
I don't know what's what anymore.
Let's take a look at that wrist injury.
That's my foot, not my hand.
Woods! Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort.
He's terrible.
He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left this little handy work in the sink.
He's a dirt bag.
But I didn't kill him.
Maybe it was Diane.
James Woods promised to introduce me to Dan Rather.
But instead, he introduced me to Danny Bonaduce.
I tell you, that guy looks like a dog turning 30.
What about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room.
That's true.
He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines! - Pedal faster.
- I can't go any faster.
Where you going, kids? I want to talk to you.
Come to my place for a glass of wine and fruit pies.
And then we can go in the back room and play crazy snakes.
Hee-hee-hee-hee! Hey, wait.
What about those two European guys? They really hated James Woods.
Where the hell are they? Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors.
But it was for this week after's.
Why aren't we there? It was wedged in our post pail.
And what about Quagmire? Fine.
So he stole Cheryl Tiegs from me.
- He ruined your TV pilot.
- I backed out of that project willingly.
Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says.
You know, Brian Eh.
My secret room's bigger.
Mine's smaller.
All right, stand back.
This could be dangerous.
Oh, laundry room.
Laundry room, everybody.
Oh, see, here we go.
Aha.
James Woods made a list of all his misdeeds so he could make amends.
He punched you in the throat, and that's why you sound like that? No, he punched me in the throat because I sound like this.
And Consuela, he I can't read his handwriting here.
What happened? One day, I bring my nephew to work, and he molest my nephew and my nephew, he only 14, and he cry and then he shoot himself in the face.
He also has a list of good restaurants up and down the Eastern Seaboard.
Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer.
And 19 of us are not.
Maybe we wanna know a good bed and breakfast in Maine.
What are all these? God, there are tons of OxyContin bottles in here.
All prescribed to James Woods.
And all from Goldman's Pharmacy.
- What's that all about? - I don't know what you're talking about.
James Woods never bought anything in my pharmacy.
Ever.
Yes, he did.
Says here he talked Muriel into selling him OxyContin for him and his 19-year-old girlfriend.
This went on for weeks.
She started to have misgivings and threatened to cut him off.
He wouldn't let her.
He threatened to blackmail her by turning her in to the feds.
Sounds like a pretty good motive to me.
Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true.
- I overcharged him.
- I forgive you.
Look, why would I kill him anyway? He told us he was here to make amends.
But there was a chance he'd blab, wasn't there? No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because Why is he wearing shorts? Oh, my God, I told you.
Muriel, just surrender quietly.
It'll be easier for us all if you She's gone.
- We lost her.
- There's a murderer on the loose.
None of us are safe.
All right, let's split up and search the house.
I'll go with Lois.
Chris, you check the basement with Herbert.
- Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie.
- Uh, no, she can't.
Yeah, uh, she can't.
We were gonna use this time to figure out what to get you for your birthday.
Ah, okay.
Oh, yeah, no, you guys go.
Now I'm excited.
Okay, uh, Meg, you go with Carl.
Sorry, Carl.
Tom and Diane, you're a team.
Quagmire and Bonnie.
Um, Seamus and Dr.
Hartman? That could be funny.
Don't usually see you together.
Uh, Derek and Jillian, take the attic.
Joe and Priscilla are passed out.
They'll be the unconscious team.
And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela, and Mayor West.
All right.
Let's do this.
So, uh, you guys like to party? - No.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my God, what a couple of squares.
Squaresville, I tell you! - What are we supposed to be doing? - We're looking for Muriel Goldman.
Hello? Is anybody up here? Hey, maybe it was that cat who was the murderer.
Let me ask him.
Meow meow meow? Meow meow meow meow? We don't all talk like that.
I happen to be a professor.
- Our apologies, sir.
- I should imagine so.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have papers to correct.
Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose.
If I should die, I just want you to know that they might find some things.
Strange things.
- Things that don't make sense to you.
- Um, okay.
And there's gonna be a lot of talk.
Nasty talk.
And I just want you to know, from me, it's all gonna be out of context.
I don't know what that means.
It means, if I die, you gotta burn my house down.
Oh, sweet, a pool table.
Let's see if we can find some cues.
- What is it? - Phew.
It's okay.
It's just the stuffed bear from The Great Outdoors.
- Did you see The Great Outdoors? - No.
- You suck.
- Hey, I found the pool cues.
Meg? Looks like I'm all alone.
Well, hey, that's all right.
I watch a lot of movies.
I can just use my imagination.
- Hi, Carl.
- Hey, bear.
So, um, in the bear world are, like, pandas your version of interracial children? Yeah, pandas aren't something I agree with.
- They're cute, though, right? - Just when they're babies.
Muriel? Muriel? Muriel? - Nothing.
- You know what she smells like? I know what everybody smells like.
- Carl? - Cheetos.
- Mort? Derek? - Pennies.
Brut.
- Joe? Consuela? - Feces.
Pledge.
- Seamus? Quagmire? - Wood.
Wood.
Wow.
I have to admit, before this Muriel thing I thought you might be the murderer.
Oh, my God.
So insulted.
Trust me, if this were my work, it would be much more artful.
There's a poetry to what I do.
- You know how I would've killed James? - How? I would have electrocuted him causing a temporary paralysis.
While he was still conscious but unable to move I would've reached into his anus and pulled out his lower intestine.
Hand over hand, like a fancy magician's scarf trick.
Then I would fashion the intestine into a crude giraffe and give it to his children as a Christmas stocking stuffer.
Then as his eyes start to close in final submission to death's cold embrace I'd point to the ceiling and say, "Is that your card?" And stuck to the ceiling is the card that he picked earlier.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, he picked a card.
- Wow, you're an artist.
- Oh, thanks, you're nice.
I screwed that up.
Muriel? Oh, yeah, like she's gonna answer you, Tom.
And here we go with the attitude.
This is why you're single.
Oh.
So I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid? You hear that tone you're using? That's penis repellent right there.
Careful.
She could be hiding behind any one of these statues.
Muriel, this is Tom Tucker from the Channel Five news.
- Perhaps you'd like an autograph.
- For God's sakes.
Do you hear yourself? There it is.
Knock it off! Hey, wait a minute.
Doesn't feel like there's any wall here.
- What do you think's in there? - I don't know.
Looks scary.
What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie.
- I better take a look.
- No.
I'll go first.
- Do you see anything? No, it's It's too dark.
Tom? Tom! - Boy, it's really raining hard.
- Yeah, well, we needed it.
- What? - Peter, we've been married a long time.
Why do I still get "guy in an elevator" small talk? I don't know.
You're the one talking about the weather.
So looking forward to the weekend? It's okay.
It's just us.
Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us.
Have you seen any sign of Muriel? Why didn't I think of this before? I should just check the "Find a Jew" app on my iPhone.
Huh.
There's just two big clusters on each side of the country.
No, look.
There's one down south.
Oh.
They got him.
Be careful.
Muriel could be in any one of these pantries.
Dr.
Hartman? Doctor? Okay, quit messing around.
Dr.
Hartman, this isn't funny.
You bastard! You should've seen your face.
That's so not funny.
Now I gotta empty my pants.
- What's that? - Acorns.
- Acorns? - Acorns, that's what I said.
- We sound too much alike.
- I know.
Okay.
Um Oh, uh, Lost in Space.
Yup, okay.
Um Oh, that's Dick Van Dyke.
Okay, um Okay, I got one.
Um I have no idea.
Linda Evans and John Forsythe They're coming down big, long stairs Come on, Brian, you know this We're all rich And we're all at least in our late 50s Think Joan Collins Come on, Brian, you know this It's the middle trumpet part It was a pretty big deal For Diahann Carroll To play a rich black woman in the 80s Come on, Bri.
Right? You don't know this? - Falcon Crest? - Oh, it's Dynasty! Oh.
Yeah, l I didn't watch that.
Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Muriel.
My sweet Muriel.
She was so young.
She was so beauti She was so gener We were married.
Look.
This is the same knife that killed James Woods.
Oh, my God.
Then Muriel wasn't the killer.
Well, then, who is? I don't know, but one thing's for sure.
If we don't find out before this storm lets up we're all gonna be dead by morning.
If we're gonna make it out alive, we gotta stick together from now on.
- Is everyone here? - Wait a minute.
Where's Meg? - And where's Tom Tucker? - Right here.
Oh, my God.
What happened? I fell through a trapdoor that led to an underground passageway.
So I followed it, and it led me to a hatch in the parlor.
The same thing happened to me.
But with a mustache.
Let's do a count, make sure we're here.
Check in by team name and I hope you all came up with cool team names.
- The Bushmen are here.
- Pirates here.
- The Tigers are here.
- We're also the Tigers.
- We're called Bad News.
- We're Lilo and Stitch.
We're Boys II Men.
Hey, Peter, look at this.
I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone.
Really? Oh, my God, is that? Are you holding up the whole Hollywood sign? No, no, no.
The sign was way in the background.
I was standing in the foreground like this when Jillian took the picture.
So by forced perspective, it looks like I'm holding up the sign.
I don't believe you.
I think you are a god.
And I will die for you or kill others.
Damn it! The signal's gone.
If I can get up to the roof or something maybe I can get a stronger signal and call the police.
Okay.
And I will skin this dog in your honor.
- Please don't.
- As you wish.
Do you really think it could work, Derek? - There's only one way to find out.
- I'll come with you.
No, it's too dangerous.
Especially with Derek Jr.
on the way.
Aw.
Ha, ha.
I know.
It's a little early to announce it but you're all friends.
Except one of you who's killing us.
But everyone else is our friend.
- Oh, congratulations, Jillian.
- I know.
I'm eating number two now.
Eating for two, honey.
I'll be back.
All right, nobody leaves this room until he gets back.
Wait a minute.
Something's not right here.
We're short one vagina in this room.
Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone! Th That's impossible.
She was still passed out on the couch when we left.
- What the hell happened? - Joe! You're okay! - I'm fine.
What's going on? - What's going on is Priscilla's the murderer.
- We don't know that.
- She was by herself this whole time.
- But she was unconscious.
We don't know how long she was unconscious.
- She could've killed Muriel.
- This is all speculation.
- We don't know if she's the killer.
- Besides, she's hot.
Hot chicks are never crazy.
Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign.
He did too.
I saw the picture.
Don't touch me! Come on.
Yes! Hey, what are you doing up here? Wait a minute.
What the hell is this? Oh, my God.
It's you.
The man or woman who's been killing everybody.
Stay back.
Stay back.
It came from over there.
Dear God! He's dead.
- Do you think he slipped off the roof? - Maybe.
But he was dead before the fall.
Look at this.
He's been hit on the head by a blunt object.
Oh, my God, no, Derek! Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry.
Grab his phone.
I wanna prove something to these guys.
It's Priscilla.
It's gotta be Priscilla.
She's the only one who's not here.
Maybe, maybe not.
We thought Muriel was the killer.
Look how that turned out.
We have no proof.
Is this the latest you've ever stayed up? It's the latest I've ever stayed up.
Oh, no.
Someone take Mr.
Woods' Golden Globe.
She's right.
There was a Golden Globe here, and it's gone.
I think we may have identified our blunt object.
Is very important award.
No, no.
Actually, if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award.
Okay? Here's how the Golden Globes work.
Want a Golden Globe? Take a member of the Foreign Press to lunch and they'll vote for you.
Hmm? That's all you gotta do.
And there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press.
So it's relatively easy to buy one of those things, okay? You with me, America? You with me? So let's all shut the fuck up about the prestige of these things because it's just It's a sale, you know? You might as well walk into a Zales and say: "File me up one of these and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger.
" Okay? We all clear on what the Golden Globes are? All right? Now, that said, if anyone from the Paris Observer would like to have lunch, it's on me.
Ha, ha.
All we have to do is find that Golden Globe and we have our murder weapon.
If we're lucky, it may just mean we'll have our killer.
All right, from this moment forward nobody leaves the group.
Joe's right.
Everyone huddle up.
Good.
Now we're gonna search the house, and we're gonna move as one.
Anyone who separates from the group we will assume to be the killer.
- All clear? Yeah.
All right.
Let's do this.
Guys, uh, we're stopping at the bathroom first, okay? So if you're not comfortable with me as a person please circulate yourselves to the uh Right, here we go.
Stand back, I got a full bladder.
I gotta go too.
You wanna have a sword fight? Ooh, I want in on that.
Me too.
Is okay, I clean.
Oh, boy, we got a problem here.
All right, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
Thanks, guys.
Stop it, Peter.
- Peter, knock it off.
- Okay, Jew Joe.
Shut up! I'm not Jewish! Well, I think we've learned a little something about our friendly neighborhood policeman today.
We gotta search every one of these rooms.
We'll start with Quagmire's.
Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants? - Oh, Jesus.
- They're huge.
Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth.
Ha, ha.
Look, it's got flowers.
I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see them? Maybe someone in space.
Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead? - Whose room is this? - It's, uh, my room.
You travel with a giant poster of yourself? Yes.
It helps me get to sleep, knowing that Big Tom Tucker is keeping a watchful eye out for nocturnal intruders.
What a ridiculous man you are.
I didn't know my room was gonna be scrutinized.
- lf you don't like it, let's get out of here.
- Not till we've searched the place.
You guys? Oh, my God! Well, well, I think we've found our killer.
Now, wait a minute, that's not mine.
I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself.
Well, maybe it did.
I didn't murder anybody.
Tell it to Mike Judge.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is crazy.
What about Priscilla? We have no idea where she is.
She could've planted that.
Well, I suppose it's possible.
What the hell? - Ah, dang it, I got a nosebleed.
- No, you don't.
Peter, give me a boost.
- You're going to jail, Tucker.
- Like hell I am.
You're not taking me anywhere, you Podunk, Quahog redneck cop.
Not you or anyone else in this damn town.
I'm not going to jail.
After him.
- Give it up, Tucker.
- Make me, Swanson.
Damn, he's slippery.
You guys give up? - What do we do? - Wait a minute, guys.
- I got an idea.
- Shoot.
Half of us go around one side.
The other half go around the other side.
- Then we won't chase him in circles.
- Damn, that's awfully risky.
It sure is, but at this point, I'm willing to try anything.
All right.
Let's do it! It worked.
Let me go.
Let me go, you bastards.
You're all gonna pay for this.
Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you.
I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it.
Okay.
All right.
Thanks a lot for your help, boys.
- Nice work, Swanson.
- Thank you, Mr.
Mayor.
It just goes to prove even the most trusted member of our community can snap and become a psychopathic killer.
You never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood.
When we all see each other at school on Monday are we still gonna be friends? Despite all the craziness this weekend I feel like a lot of people were looking at me like I was attractive.
Which makes me think I'm gonna grow up to be good-Iooking.
What part of that is supposed to lure me into a conversation? I talk to you about wet tennis balls.
- Oh, come on.
- We're in a fight.
Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bath Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels in the bathroom? I put them all in your bag.
I don't see the fire engine but I guess we'll just find out when we get home, won't we? I'll see you in the car.
- Hi, Diane.
- Oh, hi, Lois.
How you doing? I just thought I'd make sure you were okay.
Oh, I'm managing.
It's just so hard to believe you can work with someone for 15 years and yet have no idea who they really are or what they're capable of.
Oh, I know.
And I'm sorry.
So, what happens now? Will you just anchor the news by yourself? I suppose, for the time being.
Well, that's kind of exciting, right? You sound like my mother.
She actually bought me this blouse for my first solo broadcast.
I guess that's sweet, huh? She - I'm sorry, I don't understand.
- What do you mean? How could she have known you'd be anchoring alone? I mean, none of this happened until Uh, gosh, I, uh You know, I think I'd better, uh, go make sure Peter has his, uh, fire engine.
Oh, really? But I was enjoying our talk.
Oh, no, l So was I, but, you know.
I've Really, I should I should go.
No.
I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it was you.
You're the killer.
Very clever, Lois.
You shouldn't have stopped to say hi.
You would've lived longer.
Why do I ever try to be friends with other women? But, Diane, why? How could you do all these horrible things? Well, I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each other.
We both valued our privacy so we agreed to keep it a secret from the media.
Everything in my life was wonderful.
But then a few months ago, I turned 40.
Surprise! It was hard for me to begin with but it got worse when, not so coincidentally Tom began pushing Channel Five News to replace me with a fresh, young face.
And he succeeded.
Three weeks from now, I'll be off the air.
Well, apparently, all men think the same way because around the same time, James dumped me.
I watched my career and my love life crumble and I wasn't gonna just stand by and take it.
That's when I had the good fortune to meet a young news intern named Priscilla.
She was so anxious to get into reporting and would have done anything to get on my good side.
So I seized the moment.
I paid her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line.
I knew a hot, young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted.
At my direction, she persuaded him to become a born-again Christian and instilled him with the drive to bring together all the people he'd wronged.
That's how this weekend came to pass.
Of course, Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions but she played the part beautifully, nonetheless.
There's no way she could've known I planned to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker thereby destroying the two people who cast me aside and ruined my life.
Oh, my God.
- You're 40? - Yes.
I'm 40.
But then why did you kill the others? It was all supposed to go so smoothly.
The hidden gun goes off kills James Woods, and at the first opportunity I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom's bag.
James Woods is dead, Tom goes to prison.
Nice and easy.
But Stephanie got in the way.
She was in James' chair at the wrong time.
And when I realized my mistake, I had to improvise.
The power outage provided a perfect cover.
I grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him.
But as Joe pointed out, there were fingerprints.
I couldn't just leave it there.
So when Tom and I got separated in the gallery I went back into the dining room and got the knife.
At that moment, Priscilla regained consciousness after fainting.
She started to become hysterical.
I couldn't risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole gathering so I killed her.
And I hid her in Tom's room.
I tried to plant the knife in Tom's suitcase but at that moment, Muriel walked in and caught me in the act.
It wasn't her fault, poor thing, but she had to die.
I stabbed her and she screamed.
I had to leave the knife because I couldn't hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in.
So I wiped off the fingerprints and ran.
I slipped in with the rest of the group, when they all converged on the scene.
I needed more time to finish my work framing Tom.
But that's when Derek went out to the balcony.
I couldn't let him contact the police before everything was in place.
So I had to kill him too.
When Peter was yelling about that picture of Derek holding the Hollywood sign I grabbed the Golden Globe and slipped out.
I followed Derek outside and did what I had to do.
I barely had time to plant the Globe in Tom's room and run back downstairs where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside.
And the rest, well, you did all the rest for me.
You turned on Tom exactly as I planned.
- So there it is, Lois.
- My God.
But wait, there's one thing unaccounted for.
What happened to Stephanie's body? Actually, that's the one thing I don't know.
Damn it! Well, now you know everything, Lois.
Which, of course, means I have to kill you.
Lois, you coming? I can't play my tapes without the key.
Actually, Lois and I were just about to go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois? - We've been getting better acquainted.
- Just give me the key.
All right, Peter, I'll get it.
Don't put a gun in my back.
I'm not.
I'm just asking for the key.
Peter, we've been married 20 years.
Please recognize when I'm acting out of the ordinary because I'm in danger.
Here you go.
Here's the key, Pete.
Why's she calling me Pete? We been married 14 years.
She never called me Pete.
Why figure this out when I could listen to my tapes in the car? Bye.
Shall we? Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois but look on the bright side.
You'll be a story on the 6:00 news.
You know, unless a local cat does something funny.
Diane, please.
Please, don't do this.
I won't tell anybody, I swear to God.
That's right.
You won't.
Goodbye, Lois.
Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you.
If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.