Frasier s09e01 Episode Script

I'm crazy about you.
I started to feel like you didn't want to be here with me.
Oh, gosh, nothing could be further from the truth.
I'll tell you something else.
I'm happy.
Ahh.
I'm glad, Frasier.
I'm happy too.
I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, Claire, a woman who by all conventional measures is perfect for me, and yet I've just had a vivid sexual dream about someone who differs from her entirely.
It's a woman named Lana.
[CAR ENGINE RUNNING.]
Excuse me, but why do I have to sit in the back seat? Seriously, my legs are starting to cramp back here.
No, seriously, why is she here at all? I have just as much right to be here as you.
"Here" doesn't mean the front seat.
All right, listen, ladies, we got about an hour to go.
I would like to have a little quiet.
I'm going to turn on some music.
[OPERA PLAYING ON RADIO.]
[CHATTERING.]
Morning, gang.
MARTIN: Hi, Niles.
CLAIRE: Hello.
How's my natural man? Mm.
As hungry as I am hairy.
No kidding.
That goatee sure came in fast.
I know.
I credit the hothouse atmosphere of this tropical paradise.
That and our nearly constant nudity.
[DAPHNE LAUGHS.]
Gone is the citified dandy of just last week.
In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed Dionysus, a lusty, insatiable Oh, scones.
- Here is your special order.
- Thank you.
Oh, I'm starving.
Claire and I have been up fishing since 5 a.
m.
You've already got more fish than we could eat in a year.
Oh, we didn't just fish.
We went for a swim, explored some caves, watched a school of dolphins.
But the best part was when he taught me how to hypnotise a lobster.
- You what? - It's all in the eyes.
[MARTIN AND CLAIRE LAUGH.]
[NILES CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Marty, try this.
Mm.
Not bad.
Hey, Niles, try this pancake.
Claire had them crumble the bacon - right into the batter.
- Oh, I don't really like pancakes.
Well, that's because you're used to Daphne's.
Here.
Oh, those are magnificent.
And Claire invented them.
Yes, no doubt on the seventh day while you were resting.
[ALL LAUGH.]
- Good morning, all.
ALL: Hi, Frasier.
Hello, my sweet darling man.
Ha, ha.
Hello, kiddo.
So have they found your luggage yet, Dr.
Crane? FRASIER: Ha.
Fat chance.
- Souvenir of your stay? - Oh, sure, yeah.
- This is a brunch to remember.
FRASIER: Yeah, here we are.
NILES: It's not a vacation until dad takes a picture of one of his meals.
Very good.
Thank you very much.
Well done.
Pick them up at the front desk.
CLAIRE: Well, sorry to run off, but I have to finish packing.
- Right.
Okay.
- I'll see you up in the room.
MARTIN: Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, she's a real find, Fras.
- Yes, she is, isn't she? - Oh, excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
Can we have another picture of just the family? - No problem.
- Thank you.
Well, what about Claire? She's practically family.
Oh, very much so, but there may come a time when, say, she isn't.
Thank you again.
Oh, hey, we better get going, Daph.
We got fish to pack.
Oh, and I didn't filet them because Claire said you can use the heads for soup.
Well, when I'm chopping them off, I'll be thinking of her.
Niles, listen, I didn't wanna say anything in front of the others, but I find myself in a bit of a quandary.
Well, it's not so much a quandary, really, as it's more of a pickle.
Well, not so much a pickle, but, well, no more than a cornichon.
What is it? I think I wanna be with Lana, not Claire.
Forgive me, Frasier, but that's one big-ass cornichon.
I know, I know.
I'm having a perfectly wonderful time with Claire.
It's just that my mind keeps drifting back to Lana.
For God's sake, why? She's loud, she's crass, she's Yes, yes, but she's also challenging, sexy and exciting.
I'm just afraid I may have let go of that too hastily.
Frasier, you do this every time.
You are in a great relationship with Claire.
Don't over think it, embrace it.
You're right, Niles.
Thank you.
Yes, I should just go with it.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't know why I keep insisting on overanalyzing everything.
Because you're crazy, that's why.
Claire's perfect for you, but I like her too.
How many times does that happen? - But what about Lana? MARTIN: Oh, forget Lana.
Stay with Claire.
Stay with Claire.
Stay with Claire.
Dad, I am not a lobster.
Of course I'm going to stay with Claire.
Just going through some momentary doubts, and I needed your guidance.
- Glad you got what you needed.
- Thank you.
I feel completely at ease now.
No more doubts, no more nagging questions.
Just being a little overly cautious, that's all.
Who can blame you? I'm not sure about Claire either.
God knows she has quite the fan club around here, but I think you can do much better.
You'll know when you meet the right person.
You'll feel it in your gut.
It's true.
But, you see, I don't want to feel like I'm leading her on.
Maybe I should tell her what I'm going through, be completely honest.
Whoa, that's just what you don't wanna do.
So you vote for Claire? I don't know.
Lana has her good points and don't underestimate the crush you had on her in 11th grade.
But Claire can give you sophisticated conversation, and she leaves a clean area.
I don't envy you your choice.
Lift your feet, please.
Excuse me, miss, do you have the time? Yes, it's Niles? Yeah, mon.
You look Did you get hit on the head by a coconut? The coconut of revelation.
I discovered a whole new side of myself in Belize and I'm not going to abandon Island Niles just because my vacation's over.
Well, Island Niles might wanna rethink the short pants.
Island Niles would prefer not to wear pants at all.
You should have seen us, Roz, out in the elements, nothing on our bodies but sun block 120.
It was exhilarating and primal and, frankly, it's disappointing to have to strap myself back into these fabric shackles.
So you're gonna be spending all your time at the nude beach now? Seattle has a nude beach? Well, not officially, but just south of Alki there's this little strip near the lighthouse.
Thanks for the tip, Roz.
Here's another one: Don't go on Thursdays.
It's senior-volleyball day.
Oh, well, Roz, I see you've met Island Niles.
At least he did you the courtesy of putting a shirt on.
I'm still not wearing underpants.
Hang loose.
May I have a latte, please? Well, Roz, you'll be pleased to know I have come to a decision: - Claire it is.
So long, Lana.
- Are you sure? Trust me.
The brain is racked, the soul is searched, the window is closed.
Claire in, Lana out.
- I'm glad to hear it.
- Yes.
Hey, Roz.
Hi, Frasier.
Lana, uh, hi, um.
- Hello.
- Wow, you look great.
Not as great as you do.
I mean, thanks, ha, ha.
- Hey, Roz.
- Kirby.
- It's been too long.
- No, it hasn't.
- Or has it? - No.
So, what brings you here? Well, actually, we just picked up the invitations - for Kirby's graduation party.
- Oh.
Roz, you're invited too.
After all, you motivated Kirby to study.
Well, no, Frasier was the one who helped him.
I was just his last-minute prom date.
You were the prize that I kept my eyes on.
And for your FYI, I'm cool for hanging out just as platonic friends or whatever.
Um, Kirby, we should go if we're gonna pick up your inhaler.
Thanks a lot, Mom.
I only need it in the fall.
- Oh, we'll see you at the party.
- Right.
Hey, Frasier, don't you be a stranger.
Oh, no, I won't, uh.
Don't you be a stranger either, to me.
- Let me guess.
Lana in, Claire out.
- What, that? Oh, that was nothing.
She just merely caught me off guard.
Don't go reading anything into that.
Okay, if you say so.
- Frasier, I gotta go.
- All right.
But let not either us be strangers be.
Oh, I apologise for the inconvenience but, uh, at least there's a happy ending, right? And my suitcase is inside this to keep it safe? - So - That is not my bag.
Right.
I'll keep looking.
You been waiting here long? Time is irrelevant here in the seventh circle of hell.
The place where even despair dies.
- Prepare yourself for a lifetime - Oh, here it is.
Oh, well, how nice for you.
Hey, you're Dr.
Frasier Crane, aren't you? I'm a big fan.
Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, do you give advice, you know, off the clock? - This isn't really a good time.
- I've gotten my life into a tangle.
- I'm sorry, really.
- I'm torn between these two women.
I'm listening.
I'm with this woman, her name's Kathy.
She's great.
But the only problem is I can't stop thinking about my ex.
I mean, she was a real handful, but now that we're apart, - I just miss her like crazy.
- Of course you do.
And no matter how hard you try to focus on this new relationship, - your mind keeps drifting back to her.
- Exactly.
I mean, I even have these - Dreams.
- Yes.
Wow, you're good.
What should I do? Well, what are you thinking of doing? Yeah The classic shrink response.
Um I'm thinking, do I really wanna break things off with this woman? - Who you thought was perfect for you.
- But how perfect could she be if I'm obsessing about another woman? - That's the conundrum.
- Am I sure enough to break her heart? Yes, especially when the rest of the family just loves her.
- Yeah No, they don't.
- No, stick with me.
Stick with me.
It all boils down to this: Which of these two women do you see spending the rest of your life with? Right.
Right, of course.
L [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
I think it's pretty obvious what I have to do.
What a relief.
- Thanks, doc.
- Wait, wait.
Let's go back.
- Just so I'm sure you're sure.
- Yeah.
Who are you picking? My ex.
I mean, if I'm really honest with myself, she's the one I love.
As long as I stay with Kathy, I'm just being a jerk.
Well, to be fair, you have struggled with these issues.
No, I've really just been trying to have my cake and eat it too.
Thanks, Dr.
Crane.
I know what I have to do now.
I'm sorry I'm a little late.
I'll start your lunch right away.
Oh, no need.
Claire made the best devilled-ham sandwich in the history of devilling.
Oh, too bad I missed her.
More good news: She's still here.
- Here you go, Marty.
- Oh, thanks, toots.
Claire, I can't imagine you came all the way over here - just to make sandwiches.
- Oh, no.
Here, let me take those.
I'm making fish jerky.
You know the secret to making fish jerky, don't you, Marty? No idea.
- Feed them coffee.
- Feed them That's terrific.
You hear that, Daph? I'm standing right here.
And don't you love her laugh? It's like music.
Marty, you are just the sweetest.
[CLAIRE LAUGHING.]
You used to think my accent sounded musical, didn't you? - Marty? - Yeah, but now I'm used to it.
- Afternoon, Daphne, Dad.
- Niles.
What happened to my noble savage? I'll tell you what happened.
Roz told me about this wonderful nude beach so I went down there this morning to check it out for us.
Well, it was so peaceful, I decided to do my sunrise tai chi, have my naked body caressed by the rosy fingers of the new dawn.
Oh, jeez.
Well, I left my clothing and my cares in the car, walked down to the beach for my first exercise, Grasping the Bird's Tail.
Just at that moment, the sun peaked over the mountaintops, illuminating not only my splendid nakedness, but the bus for the Christian Women's Society.
They went to a nude beach? No, and neither did I.
So the next few minutes are a blur as I zigzagged my way back to the car, being pelted with driftwood and Bibles.
Needless to say, Island Niles died on that beach.
Oh, honey.
- Will he ever be back? - Maybe at Christmas.
- Hello, all.
- Hey.
Oh, Niles, welcome back.
Hi, Frasier.
- Claire.
- Did you get your luggage? Uh, no, they didn't have it, uh.
Could I see you in the kitchen for a minute? Sure.
Okay, Mr.
Crane, - it's time for your exercises.
- Already did them.
Oh, when have you ever done your exercises before lunch? Claire and I did them together.
She has a way of making them seem like fun.
Yeah, well, if they're fun, they're not really working, but all right.
- Actually, Claire says - Oh, shut up.
If we need privacy it's either very good or very bad.
Well, it's not so good, I'm afraid.
I realise this is sudden.
It's just that I've been tossing and turning for several days and I just can't keep going like this.
What are you talking about? Well, Claire, I'm talking about parting ways.
I'm sorry.
It's over? Just like that? Claire, I realise how painful this must be for you.
Ow.
- You kicked me.
- Well, you dumped me.
I said I was sorry.
Ow.
Well, I guess I'll go home and take down the hammock.
I love you, darling.
I love you too.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Hello, Roz.
The wrong beach? Thanks for the warning.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well, see you later.
Well, actually you won't.
Frasier just dumped me.
What? What happened? I honestly don't know.
I was having such a good time and now I'm out here.
I don't even know what went wrong.
Oh, um I'm sorry.
I really liked him.
I liked all of you so much.
I was starting to feel like part of the family.
I was hoping we'd end up like sisters.
Sisters? I never had a sister.
Just brothers.
Same here.
[BOTH CRYING.]
What the hell happened? Claire just ran out of here without even saying goodbye.
- We broke up.
- What? Well, I broke up with her.
You are a piece of work, aren't you? You just couldn't stand a good thing, could you? I bet you were planning on this since Belize.
- I have not.
- Oh, don't give me that.
You did the same thing you always do.
You go asking everybody's advice then do whatever the hell you want.
And it's usually wrong, by the way.
Look, I was just being true to my feelings, Dad.
- There's no reason to be mad at me.
- I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at myself.
I knew this was coming and I let myself get attached.
Well, I'm sorry, Dad.
Claire's great.
It's just she's not the right person for me.
Daphne knows.
Will you tell him? Ow.
Would you people stop doing that? Ow.
Oh, come in.
Oh, you didn't have to do this.
- Told you.
- Yeah, all right.
I sense a scholar in our midst.
[LAUGHS.]
Congratulations, Kirby.
Let's see the sheepskin.
Dude, wait until the party gets going a little.
Good thinking.
I'll just see what your mother's doing.
- Hey, Roz.
- Kirby.
Got our prom pictures back.
I had them retouched a little.
You're smiling in them now.
I notice you also have your hand on my ass.
Where? Oh, you mean now.
Do you not like it? You know, I'm having a devil of a time with this cheese can.
L Well, you just hold the nozzle close to the cracker so you make a little flower like this.
- Oh.
- Here, try one.
Mm.
Oh.
I can honestly say that is the best canned cheese I've ever had.
Lana, listen, there's something I'd like to talk with you about.
If this is about Claire, I already know.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
- I think she's perfectly wonderful girl.
- Frasier.
You don't have to explain.
I mean, sometimes you just don't feel it.
That's okay.
Really? - I thought you'd be mad at me.
- Well, why would I be mad? I mean, it's not like I get a commission on every match I make.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So we're okay? Well, sure we're okay.
We're better than okay.
Right.
Better than okay.
GIRL: You total slut.
Oh.
Oh, no, Roz, uh.
You told me not to come because this was just gonna be some boring party with your mom's friends.
- Roz is my mom's friend.
- She was your prom date.
Damn, baby, why you gotta be this way? I'm trying to show you respect by keeping you from seeing my other lady.
- I was never his lady.
- Damn, baby, that's cold.
She's old enough to be your mother, practically.
Damn, baby, now that's cold.
Whatever.
Wow, that did not go so great.
Well, those things rarely do, Kirby.
Hey, buddy.
- Dad, you're here.
- I wouldn't miss it for anything.
Where's Mom? I really need to talk to her.
- I'll go get her.
- Okay.
Wow, small world.
What are you doing here? So how do you know Kirby? Well, I was his tutor.
Yow, how much I owe you for that? No, no, it was a pleasure, really.
So you're Kirby's dad.
Lana's ex who ran off with the dental hygienist.
But you can call me Bob.
I take it Lana filled you in about our divorce.
Yes, I was a shoulder for her.
Briefly.
I think she's completely over you now.
I hope not.
I mean, I really want her back.
I'll do whatever to show her I'm a changed man.
Listen, Bob, I don't think that's a very good idea.
Well, but you said at the airport - I should - Yes, I know l Oh, Roz.
Roz, listen, I'd like you meet Bob.
Bob, this is Roz Doyle, the brilliant producer of my radio show.
- Oh, gee, thanks, Frasier.
- Oh, of course.
Beauty and brains, huh? Who said God doesn't give with both hands? And, Roz, I believe, if I'm not mistaken, that you're available right now? Maybe.
So, what brings you to this little soirée? Well, I'm Kirby's dad and Lana's ex, although hopefully not for long.
Thanks to this man, I've decided to follow my heart and come back for the woman I really love.
Oh, really? LANA: Kirby, what is it? - You'll see.
You'll see.
Oh, crap.
Well, there goes that.
You gave it your best try, Bob.
In the words of Tennyson Bob? - Damn.
- You jerk.
I am not some man-bait that you can just set out whenever it suits you.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I was desperate.
For God's sakes I just ended things with Claire.
Now I'm here to pursue Lana, and then he shows up.
Everything's ruined.
LANA: Why don't you just leave? You're good at that.
Just go! - I'll call you later, son.
- You can't quit now, Dad.
If you're gonna come back, you gotta get used to her screaming.
You know, as ugly as that was, things couldn't have worked out any better for you.
I mean, she's vulnerable, there's a full bar, she's already in the bedroom.
Almost takes the sport out of it.
I know you must be upset, Kirby.
The guy just wants to talk to her, and she gets completely bent.
- I know.
- I know it's a cliché, okay? I just I really want my parents to get back together.
I wish I could help.
You could talk to my mother.
You could tell her to give him another chance.
Oh, I don't think I'm the guy for that job.
Talking to people is your job.
- You could try.
- No, I can't.
Can't? I seem to recall a young pupil named Kirby.
He said "I can't," nary but months ago.
But a certain man named Dr.
Frasier Crane taught that pupil that he can do whatever he sets his mind to.
And the name of that man was you.
[KNOCKING.]
Well, Bob's left.
Are you all right? I have waited over a year for that man to come back to me.
And when I finally get to the point where I never want to see him again, he walks through the door.
But you're You're much stronger now, and it'd take a lot more than just showing up to change your mind.
Well, to be fair, he did try to apologise.
I mean, what else can he do? He can't take the whole last year back.
No, he can't.
Can I ask you something? In your opinion as a psychiatrist, once you've lost trust, can you ever get it back? Well, it would take work, a lot of work.
Think about it, Lana.
You could have a whole new life now.
I could.
I'm just so confused.
Frasier, you are the only man I can trust right now.
Tell me what to do.
Well The truth is You wouldn't be having this crisis if you didn't still have feelings for Bob.
You should talk to him.
You owe it to yourself to hear him out.
I just want you to know, Frasier, that no matter what happens, you are a really good Don't.
Don't use the F-word.
I wasn't about to.
I was gonna say we're friends.
[LAUGHS.]
Great pot roast, Daph.
Well, thanks, Mr.
Crane.
I used turnips and pearl onions for the gra Oh, what's the use? This place'll never be the same without Claire.
We all miss her, Dad.
No one misses her more than me.
She could have been the sister I never had.
- Do you think we can call her? - What would we say? She's probably out on a date with somebody else.
Well, maybe not.
Let's just see if she's home.
Put it on speaker.
[PHONE RINGING.]
- You do the talking.
- No.
Daphne should.
I don't know what to say.
CLAIRE [ON PHONE.]
: Hello? Hello? Well, that was childish.
[PHONE RINGING.]
She star-69'd us.
Don't answer it.
[PHONE RINGING.]
You all gone deaf? Isn't someone gonna answer that? You're up.
Hello? Claire.
I did not call you.
You called me.
I did not.
I did not.
I did Hello? What the hell was that all about? Beats me.
She always was a little nutty.
Hey, how did things go with Lana? Oh, I think she's going back to her ex-husband.
He showed up at the party.
I ended up counselling her to give him a second chance.
It was the noble thing to do.
Though my honour won't keep me warm at night.
Guess it just wasn't meant to be.
But don't give up.
- There's a lid for every pot.
- Mm-hm, that's right.
Good things come to those who wait.
And there's plenty of fish in the sea.
Dear God, I will choke on another platitude.
Please, can't you think of something helpful to say for once? Well, I'm sorry if the material isn't fresh anymore.
It's not easy coming up with happy talk every time you can't make it work with a woman.
Every time I can't make it work with a woman? That's right.
We wouldn't be in this situation - if you hadn't blown it with Claire.
- Is that so? Do you all feel this way? - I'll clear.
- I'll help.
I see.
My own family has turned on me in my darkest hour.
After a day of personal torment, I stagger homeward, chap-fallen, in search of comfort in the bosom of my family.
But do they indulge me and permit me to suckle? No.
Instead, they Well, I've said my piece.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Yes, hi, Niles.
Listen, I'm fine, actually.
L I just need a little time alone.
Yes, I'll, I'll see you in a day or two.
No, there's no need to put Dad on.
He's already consoled me enough as it is.
"Every time I can't make it work with a woman.
" What the hell does he know? LILITH: He's not wrong, Frasier.
Yes, he is.
It wasn't that I couldn't make it work with Lana.
I simply stepped aside when the father of her children showed up, like the decent human being I am.
And, speaking on behalf of your subconscious, because you realised the relationship was destined to fail.
And why would that be? Lana could have been perfect for me.
Is that something you just say out of habit now? No.
Because two weeks ago the title belonged to Claire.
Claire was perfect.
I just wasn't in love with her.
The heart has a mind of its own, they say.
Or perhaps she wasn't needy enough for you.
You have been known to love a project.
Oh, please.
I have never found neediness to be an attractive quality in a woman.
Never? Never.
Neediness was the very reason it didn't work with Diane.
Specifically, her need for another man.
But you were attracted to her, initially, because her weakness allowed you to play the role of noble rescuer.
Excuse me, I have to object to the word "weakness.
" I was challenging, yet vulnerable, which is why Frasier saw me as the perfect woman for him.
- Still does.
- I do not.
Then why am I in the car? Perhaps you represent a happier time in my life.
[LILITH SCOFFS.]
Frasier, do you remember the time we drove down the Cape and had a lobster picnic on the bluff? We had nothing to crack open the claws, so Frasier put them in a bag and ran over them with the car.
That didn't work either.
[DIANE LAUGHS.]
Oh, we gave up and made glorious love in the dunes.
DIANE: Hm.
Wait a minute.
Wasn't that me? Right, that was you.
Well, then what do I represent? I don't know and I don't care.
Now if you don't mind, I'd like a little peace.
Oh, dear God, not her.
DIANE: That person's not wearing shoes.
That's Nanette, his first wife.
She's going to get hookworm.
He's obviously dredging up past relationships in order to identify a pattern.
Why, Frasier Crane, you were a hippie.
I was twenty.
That was during my impulsive, rebellious phase.
DIANE: Oh, pick her up.
You can't ignore her.
FRASIER: She's not a part of who I am anymore.
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING.]
Do you remember that song? Apparently I do.
He composed it in college.
It's how we met.
He wrote it as a poem and was reciting it one night at the Human Collective, when I joined in with my guitar.
- Would you like to hear it? - No.
DIANE: Yes, please.
LILITH: Oh, yes.
It's called, "Bangladesh, Dacca Before the Dawn.
" [GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING.]
I dreamt that I was riding A candy unicorn As I went to meet my lady In the dewdrop-crystal morn The Bangladesh part's coming.
Oh.
Solitude.
This is what I needed.
DIANE: Perhaps.
But, to quote Lord Byron: "It is in solitude where we are least alone.
" It smells like dirt out there.
Whoa.
Before Frasier sold out, we always dreamed of having a home like this, where we'd be surrounded by nature, and need only the food that we grew and the shelter of each other's arms.
Amazing that marriage didn't work out.
She was probably great in the sack.
Actually, I made a lot of distracting noises.
All right, all right.
This has been a lot of fun.
But what's it gonna take to get you people out of my head? Well, a little self-examination might do it.
Fine.
I'm a failure in love.
I failed with all of you.
I failed with Lana and with Claire, and with countless others in between.
- Happy? - Failure is a result, not a cause.
- What's at the core? - Perhaps there is no core.
Maybe fate is just conspiring against me.
Did you ever think of that? No, there's no such thing as fate.
If that were true, there'd be no such thing as astrology.
More avoidance, Frasier.
Try to focus.
I just had a thought.
Maybe it isn't Frasier's fault.
Oh, denial, how nice to see you.
Frasier? It's your women.
We leave you.
It's in our nature.
- I left you.
- Yes, you did.
You left me for Sam.
I left Sam too.
Diane, we're talking about Frasier.
When we're inside your head, we'll talk about you.
I'm just saying that his women leave.
- You did too.
- So did I.
That's right.
You all did.
Oh, and poor Frasier, and you keep on trying.
He can't help it.
He's a hopeless romantic.
DIANE: Frasier, when are you going to learn? [SINGING.]
Falling in love with love Is falling for make-believe Falling in love with love What's wrong with following your heart? Just because we left him, doesn't mean the perfect woman isn't out there somewhere.
That's the problem.
Frasier thinks every woman is the perfect woman, until he finds the deal-breaking flaw.
It's [DIANE SINGING.]
Lt Can you make that stop? I'm sorry, it's stuck in my head.
[DIANE SINGING.]
I was unwise with eyes unable to see Thank you.
It's that quest for perfection which ultimately defeats you because the perfect woman does not exist.
- Speak for yourself.
- Mother.
For such a short trip, you sure brought a lot of baggage.
What are you doing here? You have to ask? You're a Freudian.
You've spent your whole life trying to replace me.
But it's completely understandable.
I was your first love.
Ladies, meet the competition.
This is the woman against whom we have all been measured.
Lilith, will you please be quiet? Mother is speaking.
So a lifetime of collecting women, and this is the cream of the crop: The slacker, the barmaid and the icicle.
I was so relieved when they left you.
You left him too.
Oh, I had no choice.
Perhaps you heard? I died.
Now let's get down to work, shall we? We were doing perfectly well before you got here.
Well, if your bargain-basement psychiatry was so effective, why did he have to call in the big guns? Now, let's explore the inner recesses of your psyche, like we did when you were a boy.
I don't want to.
Perhaps we should start with the premise set forth in the definitive study done by Harlan and Watkins.
Oh, excuse me, but the definitive study was done 10 years later at Cambridge.
Oh, excuse me for not keeping up.
I was busy being dead.
That's her excuse for everything.
Don't you have a tambourine to bang? Don't feel bad.
She tried to kill me once.
- Oh, not this paranoia again.
- You had a gun.
Now, Frasier, don't listen to them.
These women are all liars and cheaters.
I'm the only woman you can trust.
You're a fine one to talk.
You cheated on Martin.
Oh, that's none of your beeswax, missy.
Oh, betrayal by the mother.
Is there any deeper wound? I'd say sleeping with his brother is right up there.
- You did? HESTER: Mm-hm.
Oh, I could see that.
Don't even think about my baby like that.
- You can't control her thoughts.
- Oh, shut up.
You're a whore.
- You're a hypocrite.
- Whore.
- Hypocrite.
- Whore.
- Hypocrite.
You're all hypocrites.
- And you're all whores.
Every last one of you.
[WOMEN CHATTERING.]
LILITH: Stop it.
Stop it.
Don't you see what he's doing? He's pitting us against each other in order to avoid the real conflict within himself.
We must work together.
DIANE: Right.
HESTER: I agree.
So now, Frasier What is the problem? Why can't you can't make it work with a woman? Is it because they leave you? You stopped listening to your heart? Is it your unrealistic expectations? I don't know.
Leave me alone.
I don't wanna do this.
WOMAN 1: Frasier.
WOMEN: Hi, Frasier.
WOMAN 2: Honey, hi.
What is it? It's every woman I've ever dated.
What am I gonna do? Now, son, I know this is frightening for you.
But you have to do the work.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
All right.
L I screwed things up with Lana.
Wait, that, that wasn't my fault.
She was still in love with her ex-husband.
No, Lana is not the problem.
- No, she wasn't right for you at all.
- Oh, Mother, you would say that.
You never approved of my relationships.
Don't pin this on me.
I liked Claire.
Oh, she was wonderful for you.
Everybody thought so.
So why didn't it work out? - Maybe she was just right for you.
- What does that mean? Claire was everything we looked for in a woman.
LILITH: And that terrified you.
Because inevitably she would have left you.
And so, of course, you ran away.
No, no, no, I left Claire because I discovered I had feelings for Lana.
- You created feelings for Lana - Who was extremely flawed.
So you'd have an excuse to leave Claire.
- Yes, but I didn't love her.
- No, you didn't want to love her.
- She was too good.
- And that's why you were afraid.
All right, you're saying that I'm afraid of a good woman? You're afraid of losing a good woman.
Again.
So that's it? All this work just to find out that I have a fear of rejection? That's right.
So I'm alone because I'm afraid to be alone? Yes.
Don't feel too bad.
You'll always have us.
- Isn't that right, girls? LILITH: That's right.
[WOMEN CHATTERING.]
All right, wait a minute.
That's it.
That's my problem.
You are always there.
I have carried you with me throughout every relationship, on every date.
You pick apart the women I care about.
And you remind me how much it'll hurt if I open myself up.
You don't help me.
You hold me back.
How will I ever move forward if I don't put you behind me? Hurry along, Daphne, we'll miss the curtain.
Yeah, and you know how strict they are about that at the Cineplex.
Sorry.
I was rushing and I put my heel through the hem of my skirt, so I had to put on another one.
- Oh, it looks nice.
- Thanks.
Then the top didn't go, so I changed it to this.
I couldn't wear this with a black brassiere.
I had to change that.
I had to change my knickers to match, in case I go to the hospital.
Coordinating undergarments are the mark of a lady, and all that.
Anyway, it's a long story.
I won't bore you with it.
Yeah, thanks.
NILES: Oh, hello.
MARTIN: Hey.
Hi, guys.
- How are you, Dr.
Crane? - Actually, I'm I'm fine, Daphne.
In fact, my little retreat was just what this doctor ordered.
I cleared my head and came to some conclusions.
So where are you guys off to? Oh, just one of Dad's movies.
You wanna join us? I brought my ltty Bitty Book Light.
No, thanks.
You guys go ahead.
- You'll be okay, won't you? - Ah, yes, I'll be just fine.
Why don't I just stay here, keep you company? - No, Dad, I'm fine.
- You sure? Yes.
In fact, I'm I'm better than I've been in quite some time.
Mainly because of one very important thing I learned.
Great.
Let's roll.
[SIGHS.]