Married with Children s09e01 Episode Script

Hi.
I'm Billy Ray Wetnapp for Pest Boys Extermination.
And I'm Kelly, your friendly neighbourhood Verminator.
And if you're lik e me there's nothing you love more than a good old-fashion cook out.
But if there's one thing that fries my frankfurter it's sharing my buns with a bunch of pesky insects.
Well, if bugs are making you sizzle just pick up a can of our newest insect repellent Pure-T-Poison.
And to demonstrate just how effective it is we've sprayed the Verminator's left arm with it and if she wants her paycheque, she'll have to stick that left arm into this cage of ravenous Samoan dragon beetles and tak e it.
- Left? - Right.
Got you.
Boy, I tell you, I'd rather have my ass caned in Singapore than get bit by one of them.
Somebody shoot me! Shoot me, please! It's Manny, me and Ma here at Pest Boys, where our motto is.
; "The only good bugs is named Bunny.
" Although, we'd kill him too if you paid us.
"Left? Right.
Got you"? You know, if you were any dumber, my IQ would go down.
Bud, spare me your icky boy opinions and let's get back to the side effects.
Look, all it says is that Samoans use these beetles to make a kind of truth serum.
Truth serum? Yeah, you know, it makes it impossible for you to lie.
For instance, if someone was to ask you, "How much is two plus two?" Now, you would have to be honest and answer: Oh, yeah? Well, I may insult you back, but deep down inside I envy your intelligence and hope you can't see through me.
Well, this could certainly be fun.
What am I gonna do? - Hello? - Hi, Bud.
Hi, Mom.
How's everything in Wanker County? Oh, fine.
Grandma's doing much better.
It was just a mild heart attack, but it took us all by surprise.
Oh, please.
Jupiter's got moons that weigh less than she does.
By the way, Mom, Kelly's been real anxious to talk to you.
Yeah.
Hold on a second.
- No, I don't wanna I don't wanna talk - Take the phone! - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- How is everyone? - All right, I guess.
Dad's at the shoe store and Bud is holding his own.
- And how are you? - Well, fine.
Especially considering what a horrible role model you were.
But then again you were too busy watching TV and dyeing your hair, so I'll see you in a few weeks, Mom.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Those stupid beetles have me telling the truth to my own mother.
That is a squaw that stroked the camel's sack.
Why can't I have a job I love like everybody else? Oh, God, I hate my job.
- Hey, Al? - I'm back here, Jefferson! Oh, hey, Al.
What are you doing? I'm doing some inventory.
What's going on with you? Oh, Marcie's in another one of her foul moods.
PMS.
- You know, post-MasterCard syndrome.
- Yeah, I know.
I mean, she can charge anything any time she wants but let me buy one stinking ivory-inlaid pool table Oh, well.
You wanna come over see what the limit on a Platinum card looks like before they haul it away? No, to tell you the truth, I'm looking forward to a great night of sex.
- I thought Peggy was out of town.
- She is, that's what makes it so good.
Good one.
Do me a favour, hand me that box of sandals over there, would you? Oh, sure.
Hey, you know, maybe Marcie could use a pair of sandals Hey! - Jefferson, are you okay? - I think I got whiplash.
I don't have no insurance.
Well, then I don't have whiplash.
Now, wait a second, Al Wait a second.
There's a bunch of boxes back here, Al.
- Give me a hand.
- Move them over here.
- Check this out.
- Man.
What the hell? Hey, Jefferson, maybe this is Al Capone's treasure.
Why would Al Capone hide his treasure in the wall of a women's shoe store? Maybe he was dating J.
Edgar Hoover.
Come on, let's get this stuff outside.
It's pretty heavy.
Oh, please let it be money.
It's gotta be money.
I know it's money.
- I know it, I know it, I know it - It's shoes.
I knew it.
Shoes.
Al, what kind of numskull would hide shoes in a shoe store? Me.
I didn't like doing inventory in the '70s either.
The '70s.
The clothes, the shoes, the music.
Boy, did they suck.
Come on, help me wall this stuff back up.
Oh, no, no, no.
Wait a second, Al.
Don't you know what's going on in the world? Oh, look at me, Jefferson.
You know that I don't.
Al, '70s fashions are back in style now.
These shoes, my friend, are worth a lot of money.
Yeah, right.
These shoes cost less than 20 bucks back then.
I know those shoes.
They were called Foxy Ladies.
I'll give you $200 for those.
Who do I pay? Oh, yeah.
Jefferson, 100 bucks each.
You know what this means? You have to put great sex off for some other night? Put it off? Hell, I'm having it right now.
Hi, I'm Terry Murphy with What's Hip in Chicago.
And today I'm standing in what used to be called Gary's Shoes and Accessories, but thanks to the genius of one man That's That's two men.
Two men.
- The hip, the trendy and pathetic are flocking to Al Bundy's House of Sole.
And now I'd like you to meet the shoe guru himself Mr.
Al Bundy.
Four touchdowns in one game, you say? My, isn't that something? But for the few viewers we have left, Mr.
Bundy what inspired you to create this environment? Well, you see, Terr You don't mind if I call you Terr, do you? Yes, I mind.
Oh, well, you see, Terr, I think that the I think the '70s symbolizes the very best in America.
Take The Avengers, the Shelby Cobra, "Bad Moon Rising.
" That was the '60s.
Well, take Miami Vice, the DeLorean, "Ebony and Ivory.
" That was the '80s.
Well, what happened in the '70s? The Ford Pinto, Diff'rent Strok es and Billy Beer.
This is Terry Murphy for What's Hip in Chicago wishing I were Terry Murphy for What's Hip in L.
A.
Diff'rent Strok es, really? Back to you, Bob.
Cut.
Well, Dad, as near as I can count you got 30 crates back there with 10 pair of shoes per crate.
Oh, man.
That's 30 times something shoes.
That's exactly what Kelly said.
Right after, she said your lack of parental guidance was directly responsible for her low self-esteem and has coloured her relationship with all men.
Oh, and your feet stink.
But she's still gonna model for me, isn't she? - Yeah.
- Then what are you bothering me for? Go count some shoes.
Hey, Al.
We've cleared over 5 grand today already.
And the more we raise the price, the more they want them.
Oh, man.
- Oh, women are idiots.
- Yeah.
- You gotta love them.
- Yeah.
I gotta have some.
Not now, Marcie, I'm working.
Not you, a pair of these shoes.
Do you know what I was doing the last time I was wearing shoes like these? Inspiring Helen Reddy to write her new song "I Am Poultry"? Sitting with my friends in a room full of incense singing protest songs like "Who'll Stop the Rain" "Everyday People," "Kung Fu Fighting.
" Our generation wasn't hung up on material things.
- Do you have these in a nine? - Give me those, they're mine! Hey.
Hey, now.
Whoa, now.
Ladies.
Ladie Now, my little super freak.
Now, there's a lot more where this came from.
Kelly, a pair of Honey Wests, please.
Kelly, those shoes are so far-out.
They're trippy, they're groovy, they're uptight, out of sight.
What do you think? - Truthfully? - Of course.
Well, since you asked, I think that there's nothing more pathetic than trying to relive your glory days through your feet.
Much like your hairstyle, Mrs.
D'Arcy, the '70s are history.
It's just you and Alvin the Chipmunk now.
At least he has a pleasant voice.
You'll have to forgive Kelly for that Alvin crack.
Personally, I think your voice sounds like Simon.
So, what are you gonna do with your share, Al? I always said if I came into a little money I'd spread it around the community.
You know, give a little to charity.
Of course, I just said that.
Yeah, I'll probably spend it all on hookers and booze.
Or her.
Al.
Al, that's Dominique the highest-paid lingerie model in the world.
Page 36, Soft and Slinky catalogue.
The plum-Lycra teddy? I didn't recognize her not straddling a cannon.
- Hi.
Can somebody help me? - Yes.
My name is Al Bundy, and I was born to rock your world.
Well, that answered none of my questions.
I'm booked to appear on a TV special this weekend and I need some really funky shoes to wear.
This is where you talk.
Oh, shoes? Oh, we got shoes.
Yeah, here's some shoes.
Oh, I like these.
- How much? - For what? - Oh, shoes? - The shoes.
Oh, we got shoes.
Here's some shoes.
How much? Well, for you I could probably let them go for Free.
I wouldn't feel comfortable just taking them.
No.
I wouldn't feel comfortable just giving them to you.
No, no, they're yours providing, when you're on the show, you mention where you got them.
That sounds fair.
You know, that's very, very kind of you.
I'll do it.
Al Bundy's House of Sole.
Yeah, where the shoes are free and the salesmen are morons.
What the hell did you do that for? Al, it's a plug on network television.
Network, it means the whole country.
Not if it's NBC.
Look, Al, don't you see? If she mentions the name of the store on TV we can sell these shoes for anything we want.
This could be the biggest thing that ever happened to you.
Bigger than high school football? Even bigger than that.
God.
- Dad, you're out of shoes.
- Of course.
- Are you sure about this, Bud? - What do I look like, an idiot? You're still out of shoes.
And you still look like an idiot.
All right, no problem.
Now, there's gotta be dozens of shoemakers in the phone book.
We'll just We'll call one, have him copy the shoes we have and we'll say they're authentic.
Jefferson, won't making all these new shoes cost more money than we already have? No sweat.
We'll refinance your house.
Yeah, that should be easy to get a sixth.
I gotta hand it to you, Jefferson these knockoffs look just like the originals.
Well, if you want the best, you've gotta go to the best.
If it wouldn't be too much trouble for thee might I have a little air conditioning? No, thee may "noot.
" Now, any more complaints out of you, I'm gonna have your buckboard towed.
Now, get back in there to work.
Please, I gotta have these.
How much? Oh, we don't know yet, ma'am.
The price won't be fixed for a few more minutes.
All right, ladies, it's shoe time.
Excuse me.
Live at the Kennedy Center welcome to Fox's first annual Lingerie Award.
And here's our host, Dominique.
Not the body, you idiots, the shoes.
Show the shoes.
Before I present the first award I'd lik e to thank a very special man who has shoed my world.
- We're rich.
- Goodbye, Peg.
Hello, everybody else.
These shoes were a special gift given to me by Al Bundy of Al Bundy's House of Sole.
- Yes! - Yes! Methinks the price be fixed now.
And now, for the category of Best Supporting Bra in a comedy, musical or news special Oh, my God, Dominique just fell into the orchestra pit.
Ladies and gentlemen the heel of Dominique's shoe has fallen off.
It appears she has, at the very least brok en her leg in one, two, three places.
Hello, Peg.
Goodbye, everybody else.
And it's all because of one shoddy shoe from Al Bundy's House of Sole.
You know, why don't they just spell it? That's A-L B-U-N-D-Y apostrophe S House of Sole.
Serving number one.
Serving Serving number two.
Serving Serving three through 99.
Serving life without the possibility of parole! So it is true that one of thy shoes hast broken the leg of fabulous supermodel Dominique? Afraid so.
Thou art waist-deep in the big muddy.
Waist-deep and upside down.
Go raise a barn, Hiram.
Well, listen, Al if there's anything I can do, you just name it.
- Well, Jefferson, you - See you.
Well, I guess there's nothing left to do but close up.