King of the Hill s09e02 Episode Script

1 Now I'm not going to mention any names, but due to last year's unfortunate kissing incident, mistletoe is banned from this year's Christmas party.
Peppermint Schnapps makes me sloppy.
Enough with your party, Hank.
Help me figure out what to get Nancy for Christmas.
I'll never top that oil painting I commissioned last year-- "Nude Dale In Repose.
" Tasteful, yet you can see everything.
MAN: Here we are, lady.
123 Rainey Street.
( grunting ) Well, thank you, young man.
This is it.
That's her, all right.
HANK: Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
My name is Hank Hill and I own this house.
Is there something I can help you with? I'm Ruby Wakefield and I use to live here many years ago with my twin sister.
My word, look how big that tree has grown.
I planted that thing when it was a sapling.
I give that tree a deep root feeding twice a year.
Hank, I got your antlers! Well, that's my family.
We're going to go harvest a Christmas tree.
They look lovely.
I appreciate your taking such good care of this house.
It means a lot to me.
Hey, Ms.
Wakefield, if you're in town tomorrow, why don't you come back for dinner? I'll give you the indoor tour.
The kitchen sink now has a garbage disposal.
I'd like that, Mr.
Hill.
So, she's a twin? I still cannot believe you invited that old woman over for dinner, Hank.
That's like putting out a saucer of milk for a stray cat.
One lap, you'll never get rid of her.
All she wants to do is take a walk down memory lane.
Besides, most seniors are lactose intolerant.
( grunting ) Keep going, Bobby, you're almost there.
I like old people as much as anybody should, but you've got to be careful.
Good work, Bobby.
( disposal grinding loudly ) Listen to that baby hum.
I remember dropping a friendship ring down this drain.
Practically broke off my finger nail getting it back.
I know how that feels, Ms.
Wakefield.
One time the front door bent my pinkie toe backwards.
The nail grew back really gross.
Leave your shoe on, Bobby.
Believe it or not, but that is a memory that you'll cherish someday, Bobby.
So save up as many as you can because when you're old like me, you'll have riches beyond all the gold in the world.
( groans ): Oh, darn.
I cannot believe we're out of coffee.
Oh, well, it's getting close to bed time anyway, huh? ( yawns ) Oh, you have such wonderful memories.
Now I can't wait to get old and wrinkly, and grow a little hump on my back.
You're so sweet, dear.
Mrs.
Hill, it amazes me how much you remind me of my sister-- so smart and pretty.
Well, thank you.
Oh, lookie here-- a new can of coffee.
I'll just brew some up.
Oh, coffee sounds nice, dear.
I got it! What if I seal myself in a crate and have me delivered on Christmas day to Nancy.
Wait, do they have mail on Christmas? It wouldn't be very merry if I died in some distribution center.
Why don't you just take Nancy to a countryside bed and breakfast for a lovely nice romantic weekend? Nah, I'm not the kind of person who pays someone 100 bucks to sleep in their dirty sheets.
I'm the kind of person who charges other people to sleep in my dirty sheets.
That's it! I'll turn our house into a bed and breakfast.
All you need is some potpourri and a few boxes of waffles and you're in business! Mmm.
Don't you nay-say me, Boomhauer.
Once I find the right hook, this is going to be the gift that keeps on giving.
Say nay now naysayer.
Mm.
What a handsome family you are.
How very observant of you.
This is my room.
It's chock full of memories for me.
Like the time I dressed our dog, Ladybird, in my underwear and pretended that we were Calvin Klein models.
This is also where I read my Bible every night before bed.
Yes, this room certainly brings back many memories.
This is where my sister died.
Ew! Gross.
Good Lord.
Your sister died in my room? Well, actually, she just had a massive heart attack in here.
Somehow she managed to crawl down the hallway to about right over there I don't know how she dragged herself with her arthritic fingers.
She couldn't even open a jar of apple butter.
Oh, you have to forgive me, but I think I need to sit for a moment and rest.
She's been asleep for over an hour.
I guess I'd better wake her up and send her on her way.
Ms.
Wakefield Ms.
Wakefield.
Ms.
Wake Hey! What's going on? Oh, I'm still here.
Yeah, you dozed off for a bit, and it's getting kinda late.
I'm sure you're ready to head on home.
Yes, I am.
I am ready.
Ms.
Wakefield, are you okay? Huh? Oh, oh, uh ( sighs ) The happiest times of my life were spent here in this house.
That's why there is no place else in the world that I would rather end my days.
End your days? Yes.
I want to die here.
I promise not to be a nuisance.
Ms.
Wakefield, you can't die in my house.
You're really not being a good guest ma'am.
I called you a taxi.
It's the least we can do, but all we're going to do.
But it's important to me to die where I was happiest.
Don't you want me to be happy? Not that way! Okay, I guess it's your house.
I'll just get my shawl.
Oh, great, she went behind the tree.
We don't decorate back there.
Ms.
Wakefield, please I promise not to drag this out.
I bet it won't take me more than two days.
At most, three.
You keep her busy.
I'll sneak up from behind and poke her with this driver.
You got me that driver I wanted? She's headed for the bathroom.
Dang it.
BOBBY: Hey, I'm in here! Ms.
Wakefield, you need to leave.
Hank, the taxi's here! I cannot believe it's this hard to think of a bed and breakfast theme.
How about an Evening at the Improv! Great idea! I know crap idea.
Dang it, Boomhauer, aren't you ever wrong? MS.
WAKEFIELD: Please, don't make me leave! I promise I won't be any trouble! Stop pinching me, Ms.
Wakefield.
Ah, finally.
Hank come to his senses and Wait a minute, that not Peggy.
Why you picking on that old lady, Sug? I'm not picking on her.
She wants to die in my house.
Please, show some compassion! I, uh She ( sighs and groans ) We ate, we laughed, we had some coffee then she told us she wanted to die in my house and ruined the whole got-dang evening.
So, basically, this woman told you that she wanted to die in your house, no strings attached? Yep.
I've got it-- the theme is a haunted bed and breakfast! Hauntings are all the rage now.
Haunted hotel rooms, haunted cruises.
If I can get that crone to agree to die in my house and haunt the place, we'd be booked year round.
What do you say now, Boomhauer? What in the heck are you talking about, Dale? Nancy's Christmas present.
Please, Hank, let Ms.
Wakefield die in my house.
Please, please, please Has everyone gone crazy? It's Christmas for God's sake.
No one is dying in my house or your house, Dale.
I'll probably die in my house.
Wedged behind the bathroom door.
Inaccessible to the paramedics.
Well, what can you do.
I can't believe that I'm feeling guilty about denying Ms.
Wakefield's request.
Well, what does she expect us to do? Bobby, I don't know how a giraffe got in the nativity scene, but I like it.
Let's go find a zebra.
( doorbell ringing ) Ms.
Wakefield, what are you doing here? I just wanted to apologize for causing such a scene the other night.
I hope you're not angry with me.
Merry Christmas, Mr.
Hill.
Oh, well, Merry Christmas to you, too, Ms.
Wakefield.
I drank a lot of iced tea earlier.
Could I use your bathroom? Oh, sure thing.
It's right down the hall on the Wait a minute.
I know what you're trying to do.
You don't need to use the bathroom.
You just want to die in there, don't you? I promise I won't take long.
If I hold my breath for ten seconds I bet I'll slip away just like that.
I have a proposition for you.
And a plate of pitted prunes.
Why die here, you ask? Well, you'd be getting in on the ground floor of a wonderful investment opportunity, and all you really have to do is make two appearances a day from the afterlife, via this old antique mirror.
It's not hard work, but I do expect quality.
Are there any questions? Can I go now? What, so you can go die over at Hank's house? I could get you a dead little lapdog to keep you company.
That shuffle alone would pack the place.
I still don't see why I can't come to the mall with you guys.
Because we're shopping for you.
And you peek.
Your mother's right.
Besides somebody should stay here.
You know, in case an old lady tries to Bobby, just keep the doors locked.
Dooley's going to pants Santa? Dang, I can't go.
Make sure the elves take plenty of pictures.
( gasps ) Let me in, Bobby.
I have a peppermint.
( screams ) It's reasonable not to want someone to die in your house, right? Mm-hmm.
We cannot open that door.
I mean, if Bill gets wind Hank, I understand an elder wishes to use your home as an entrance to the spirit world.
My people teach that a person must be happy at death or they are destined to walk throughout eternity on their hands so their frown appears to be a smile.
Food for thought.
( phone ringing ) Hank Hill.
BOBBY: She's on the roof! Ms.
Wakefield shoved her arm through the mail slot and tried to unlock the door.
She's been scratching at all the windows.
Ms.
Wakefield, show yourself! Ms.
Wakefield! Dang it, Ms.
Wakefield, I have had it with you.
You've got my boy hiding under the tree.
You got all my friends mad at me.
I'm sorry, you've left me no choice.
Thank you for being so prompt, officers.
There's the trespasser I called about.
OFFICER: Her? You want us to arrest that poor old woman? Hank had to call Johnny Law on big, bad, old lady with walker.
I don't want them to arrest her, I just want them to take her away so I can get on with Christmas and whatnot.
Well, maybe you could compromise with her.
Compromise?! How do I do that? Let her die on my sidewalk? I'm just saying.
You're not saying anything! Still.
If she were trying to break into your homes and die, you'd do the same thing, I tell you what.
( meekly ): What have I done wrong? Absolutely nothing.
Peggy's making her special Christmas fudge for the party tomorrow.
Yep, it sure is going to be a good time.
Yeah, until you call the cops on us.
That poor old woman.
She committed the crime of loving Hank's house too much.
Are we not all guilty? Hank, I do not want you to blame yourself, but Ms.
Wakefield died at a bus station the very night you had her arrested and dragged away.
What?! Good Lord, she was a retired Sunday school teacher.
Now, Hank, I don't want you to dwell on the awful things you said to her out of anger.
( disposal grinding ) ( sighs ) BOBBY: I can't believe she's really gone.
It just seems like yesterday she was trying to get her walker through the doggie door.
I wish she were here so I could give her little hump a big hug.
Are we still going to have our party tonight? It just doesn't feel right.
Oh, don't be silly, Bobby.
Ms.
Wakefield would have wanted it that way.
She probably loved parties.
Now come on, let's get back in the Christmas spirit.
Why don't we pick up a little green vest for Ladybird to wear at the party? That'll cheer everyone up.
I hope this fits.
Pet Town doesn't have a very generous return policy.
I still don't understand why a vest is cool yet a Santa hat would be demeaning.
If I have to explain it ( gasping ) Ms.
Wakefield.
So, Ms.
Wakefield isn't dead? Oh, my God, she's somewhere in the house.
Oh, Lord, I hope she isn't dead.
Run! No, we've got to find her! Bobby, you and Luanne check the den.
Peggy, you check the garage, and I'll check the back of the house.
If any of you find her, holler out.
( panting ) ( barking ) Oh, God! Oh, Ladybird! Dumb dog, dumb! You almost got your bell rung.
Wait a minute There you go, girl.
Come on.
Get Ms.
Wakefield's scent and track down that old coot.
Good girl! Come on, for Mama! No, no, Ladybird.
No.
No fetch.
Find old lady.
Sniff and fi Oh! Dumb dog.
Ms.
Wakefield, if you're under here, please don't grab me by the throat and drag me into the gates of hell.
( girlish scream ) ( gasps ) Don't tell Dad.
Ms.
Wakefield, are you in here? I know we haven't been on the same page about your dying and all, but I hope we can work out our differences.
( crackling ) ( sniffing ) Peppermint.
Oh, Ms.
Wakefield, why? ( gasps ) Give me peace! Why can't you just let me be? Ms.
Wakefield, we thought you were dead.
We read your obituary.
I was desperate, so I submitted a fake obituary to get your guard down.
You lied! ( doorbell rings ) Good Lord, the party.
Peggy, Bobby, Luanne, you take care of the guests while I escort Ms.
Wakefield out the back door.
I'll join you in a minute.
Our Christmas has been disrupted by you for the last time, Ms.
Wakefield.
Well, if you would just let me concentrate, I'd be out of your hair forever.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Frosty the snowman Was a jolly Merry Christmas, John Redcorn.
I made you some special reindeer- shaped cookies with toothpicks sticking in them like little arrows.
Quite honestly, Peggy, I was going to boycott your party to protest Hank's harsh treatment towards our elders, but I found out that Bill is my secret Santa, and he always gives cool gifts.
Yeah, Bill really go all out.
( Wakefield grunting ) Put me down! My God, Hank is wrestling with Ms.
Wakefield's ghost! What a waste.
She's not dead.
She's very much alive.
She falsified her obituary and broke in here.
Please just continue with the party.
I'll call her a taxi and join you in a minute.
But I don't want to go.
Let her be, Hank.
Dang ol' Christmas, man.
KAHN: Oh, Hank.
Where is holiday spirit? All right, fine.
If that's how everyone feels.
Ms.
Wakefield, if you want to die in my house, then go ahead.
Really? Merry Christmas.
Why why thank you.
Wait, you're not just teasing me are you? No, ma'am.
He led them down the streets of town Come on, everybody, it's a party.
Let's have some fun.
( laughs, mumbles ) Heard him holler Oh, Frosty the snowman Had to hurry on his way But he waved ( groans ) Uh, Mr.
Hill? You know, maybe it is a little inappropriate right now.
I mean, it is a Christmas party.
Yeah, I see what you mean.
Maybe I could die another time.
When you're not entertaining.
Sure.
But you know, Ms.
Wakefield, you don't have to come back to die.
You could come back just to visit.
Maybe join us for a cookout or sit under the tree you planted.
That would be nice.
Well, I've been enough of a bother.
I'll get out of your hair.
Don't rush off.
Why don't you stay for secret Santa? I always get an extra gift in case my boss stops by.
( "Jingle Bell Rock" plays ) Okay, here's one for Bill.
Could this be that ear-and-nose trimmer he's been needing? I hope it's hungry.
All right, here's one for Peggy.
Now the jingle hop has begun Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell hop BILL: Peppermint schnapps makes me sloppy.