Modern Family s09e02 Episode Script

1 Hey, Mitchell.
Claire.
Saturday morning.
Look, I need you to buy Mom a birthday present and say it's from the both of us.
Okay, thanks.
Bye-bye No, I know it's not a voicemail.
I just don't want to hear you whine about it.
(PHONE BEEPS) No, no, no, those are for Alex.
I'm taking them up to her dorm today.
You know how stressed she gets.
She can always use a little comfort from her loving mom.
Why does Alex get a care package and not me? You live in a care package.
Haley, put your face on and get up here! We're gonna be late for work! I'm saving up to get my own apartment, so I've been working at the club with Luke.
For Luke.
Kid's my best cart girl.
I deliver drinks to golfers.
Tips are good, but, uh it took me a couple days to learn the finer points of the game.
(GOLF CART BEEPING) (TIRES SCREECH) Cocktails, boys? (BELL DINGING) On your left.
Is that Alex's old bike? (CHUCKLING) Yes, totally rebuilt.
It only took me three months and two tetanus shots.
She's been dropping hints about wanting some wheels.
Are you sure she didn't mean a Unicycle? No.
She definitely said "wheels.
" Well, the basket's perfect for loading up the toiletries.
Remember last time we went up there? She was washing her hair with the powdered soap from the ladies room.
Alex is an intelligent, accomplished - You can just say it.
- Scatterbrain.
Sometimes, she studies so hard she forgets about the little things.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) I'll be at the library.
Uh, honey aren't you forgetting something? Oh! (SCOFFS) That was close.
(CHUCKLES) God.
I'm on it.
(CLEARS THROAT) So, this is the place I'll call home for the next four years.
And because you're a theater major, probably the biggest apartment you'll ever have.
There are two things I want to avoid my first day of school: getting caught leaving the shower in my aqua shoes, and a tearful goodbye.
My classmates are gonna see me cry eventually.
I'd prefer it be during a curtain call.
I am Colombian, so it's against my nature to give Manny what he wants: a cold, white-people goodbye.
But I know he's sensitive, and he's having a hard time leaving the nest, so I'm gonna give it to him.
Good luck, chum.
Where do you want your espresso machine? On my desk is fine.
And don't worry, Trevor.
We'll pay for the beans with the money from our swear jar.
Don't forget no coffee after 4:00, or you get the nightmares.
I think I can take it from here.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you both for all of your help.
Sure thing.
We will keep in touch, son.
(INDISTINCT TALKING IN DISTANCE) Well, my friend, you have just witnessed the rare perfect goodbye.
History records but few flawless farewells: Oscar Wilde's deathbed bon mot, Rhett Butler not giving a Damn it.
I left my white noise machine at home.
Now I have to go back there, and risk ruining our perfect goodbye.
But you're gonna thank me, Trevor.
There's something soothing about constant background noise that Trev? (SUITCASE THUDS) One gin and tonic.
I hope you're not driving.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry, that's usually a big hit with the golfers.
It was hilarious.
But I'm trying to avoid laugh lines.
I get that.
I don't want crow's feet, so I never squint, even if a cop is shining his flashlight directly in my eyes.
(CHUCKLES) Once a week, I sleep in a wetsuit full of Vaseline.
It shows.
It was like meeting myself in 30 years.
Turns out, I really held up.
Good morning, Ms.
Rappaport.
Oh, hello - Duke, is it? - Yes.
Haley, shouldn't you be getting back to your cart? Rhonda asked me to sit down.
There's a rule against staff fraternizing with members, and you wouldn't want to make trouble for whoever stuck their neck out to get you this job.
Oh, I recommend sticking your neck out.
It's the only nonsurgical way to prevent champagne chin.
- Speaking of which, um - Oh, here.
Let me get Oh, no, no, no, You sit.
He's up.
You can top me off, too, Duke.
I am loving this new smoothie kick.
I-I feel like I've had more green vegetables today than my dad's had in a lifetime.
What I love about your smoothie kick is how much you talk about it.
Okay, if you're gonna be mean, be funny.
Aim for the bumps.
Cal likes a bit of a bumpy ride on account of I drove a tractor into my fourth trimester.
CAMERON: Oh, that sound makes me so nervous.
Some poor family is about to have their life turned upside down.
Huh, they seem to be turning down our street.
- (RADIO CHATTER) - Um So, I-I know that they're they're heroes and all, but a-are they sweeping up or is that on us? Okay, you know what? We're gonna have to totally rebuild, down to the studs.
I'm distraught.
Are ya? I'm not saying Cam definitely set the fire.
It could have been anyone who's spent years searching for a way to justify the remodel of our kitchen.
Are you actually accusing me of starting this fire just so we could rebuild our hideous kitchen? Uh, accusing, no.
but when you say things like "hideous kitchen," it does make me wonder.
This could be the cause.
Most kitchen fires start in the oven.
Oh, my God, did did I leave the oven on? Well, it appears we found our smoking "bun.
" Oh, she's been here all summer, so this could be pretty rough.
Remember last time there was a rat in her room.
She's a scientist.
She said it was part of a study.
Honey, it was in a cereal box.
Okay, time to be heroes.
- Change a bed sheet, change the world.
- (SIGHS DEEPLY) That's right.
Oh, I completely forgot you guys were coming.
(CHUCKLES) Wow, um Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry.
I wasn't expecting you guys, so sock.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, is that my old bike? Yep! - Spruced it up for you.
- That's great.
I actually just bought a new one, though.
- (CHUCKLES) - Oh.
Guess you can use that one for parts.
What do we have here? An electric mitten holder.
It's a rock-paper-scissors robot I just built.
What?! Its sensors anticipate your next move.
Maybe for civilians.
(BLOWS) But I've been trained in the art of sleight of hand! At last a worthy opponent.
Honey, I got you some snacks that don't crumb up quite so easily.
I'll just tuck them away in this fully-stocked snack cabinet.
(CHUCKLES) Don't forget the paper towels, the paper plates, and the toilet Rock! How?! Seems like you're doing really, really well here.
Ohh.
Uh Okay, well, I have to get to the robotics lab.
But, uh, thank you so much for visiting.
Oh, honey.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Mm.
You seem to be doing so well.
(WHISPERING) Shampoo.
We're so proud of you, Alex.
And not just because you've built a nearly unbeatable robot.
Damn it! Okay, well, uh bye, you guys.
Bye! - Bye, honey.
- Bye, honey.
She is really coming into her own, huh? Look what we did.
I don't know if we can take all the credit.
She wasn't like that before she got here.
You know what? We drove her here, honey.
We drove her here.
Ah.
Two mustards.
No one needs that.
We'll just take that one home.
That is her new dress.
She was so excited about getting this.
Why would she throw it out? Do you think something's going on? Maybe Maybe all of the cleaning and the organizing is like a a coping mechanism.
Yeah, between that and the muted response to the bike I don't know.
You think we should talk to her? (LAUGHING) I wasn't even playing.
Boom! Damn it.
Gun to my head, my top three: cheddar, Swiss, gouda.
As someone who has actually had a gun to her head, cheese is not what they're going to ask about.
And now crackers.
What are you doing? This is awkward.
I need a boy cave.
JAY: And don't get me started about brie.
GLORIA: Oh, there's no risk of that.
I'm not here, okay? (DOORS RATTLE) You put a lock on the closet? That's where I'm gonna put Santa Claus when I catch him.
(WHISPERING) Sleeping pills in his cookies.
Joe, who are you talking to? - (GASPS) Ay.
- Oh, geez.
We dropped you off at college two hours ago.
My God, even Haley lasted longer.
I needed my white noise machine.
Or did you need your brown noise machine? No, and I think I'm offended for you.
It looks like you forgot that on purpose so that you could come back to the nest.
Some "nest.
" Joe is taking over my room, and you two think I'm a wimp.
Not wimp, just soft.
And very, very scared.
Okay, can everyone please stop talking so we can salvage our perfect goodbye? What's with the padlock? Let me ask you something: How would you like to have Christmas every day? Okay, I've put everything out here from the kitchen that we're gonna need.
You know what? This is gonna be fun.
It's like camping! Which is it fun or like camping? - I'm gonna take a shower.
- Eh-eh-eh! Can't take a shower without doing a load of dishes.
And remember scratchy side pot, soft side you, okay? Cam, this is crazy.
What What if I wanted to make a cup of tea? Couldn't be simpler.
Grab a tea kettle from the credenza, warm it up on the hot plate with the water that you've used from the hose that I snaked in through the window, browse the tea on the mantel, and then grab our tea cup Where Oh! Lily, do our tea cup first! (DOOR OPENS) Y'all need to move that 'fridgerator in your hall.
It is straight under little Cal's crib, and the noise is keeping him up which is weird because he was conceived in a slaughterhouse.
- But I thought - Just move it! You They figure out what started that fire? Yeah, they think it was the oven.
Well, that's dumb.
I turned the oven off 'fore we went on our walk.
- You did? - Yeah, 'cause I'm the only responsible person around here.
- (THUDDING) - (CAL CRYING) Aw, dang it! Cal rolled off the sofa again! (CRYING CONTINUES) (BLENDER WHIRS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
There's a small chance I definitely started the fire.
- CAMERON: Mitchell? - My smoothie was a little thick.
This is convenient.
Huh? There's something I need to show you.
Yeah.
What is it? Over here.
Over here.
Let's look.
It's a vision board for my dream kitchen I've been hiding behind your workout clothes.
Ah.
I-I-I think I accidentally, on purpose, subconsciously, willfully, burned our kitchen down.
Okay.
I-I don't I don't know about that.
- Um - No.
Let's face it.
Like Drew Barrymore, I'm an adorable fire starter.
Hey, um is this why we never have any tape? Yes.
I'm a menace, which is why you deserve [VOICE BREAKING.]
to be in charge of this entire remodel.
Anything you say goes.
(SIGHS) Cam, you're about to feel a lot better because [INHALES SHARPLY.]
I don't hate this toaster, and I think I can find a place for it.
That's great.
I could get used to this.
I have, which is why I need to snag another meal ticket before my late husband's fracking money runs out.
(CHUCKLING) It's okay.
You can swear in front of me.
(SIGHS) How about that guy over there, playing tennis? He's in good shape.
Right? No, that's a negative.
I want my guys' tennis balls to be at the end of their walkers.
Okay.
Uh, how about, uh that guy over there? I think that's just an abandoned golf bag, but you're starting to get me.
You know, would you like to be my personal assistant? What would I have to do? Apart from helping me find a new husband, it's mostly hanging out, drinking, going to parties.
I am perfect for this.
I have so many references.
Okay, uh Oh, what about that guy going to play shuffleboard Mr.
Voorhees? Uh, he's a little younger than I normally do.
If it helps, he always orders from the HeartSmart side of my cocktail menu.
- You are good at this.
- Mm-hmm.
Let me go give that pacemaker something to do.
(CHUCKLES) Haley, you're supposed to be on the course serving drinks.
I'm busy, Luke.
We can't have people golfing sober.
They'll realize it's a waste of time.
I'm not even sure I want to be a cart girl anymore.
Rhonda asked me to be her personal assistant.
I know this isn't the most glamorous job, but it offers more of a future than being an assistant to some gold digger.
(CELLPHONE RINGS, KEYPAD BEEPS) Hello? Hey, good news Voorhees has a friend, and he wants to fly us all to San Francisco tonight.
LUKE: You're on a good path here.
You're making money.
There's opportunity for advancement.
It's gonna be great.
Best hotels, best restaurants, round-the-clock nursing.
You're better than her, Haley.
- I'm in.
- Oh, good.
The car will pick us up at 5:00, right after dinner.
(SQUEALS) - (KEYPAD BEEPS) - (CHUCKLES) Why do I even bother? It's like what I say to you goes in one ear - out the other.
- (SIGHS) Mm.
Don't know about you, but I am ready to live on my own.
Yep, it was a big responsibility taking care of my parents, but I left a good man on the job.
Come on.
Gloria, you messed up the TV, and now I can't watch my program! GLORIA: Remember how you told me to say something when you sound old? Ah, never mind.
I fixed it.
Aww.
Look at those beautiful flowers.
Where did they come from? Not a clue.
Aww, you.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) Joe? What are you making? According to this, an ancient beverage enjoyed by sultans and scoundrels.
"Bring in the paper, make coffee pick up Jay's dirty socks.
" Why are you doing all this? Manny says it's my job now.
Manny was doing all these things? And I was so happy that you were picking up after yourself.
I haven't picked up socks since the '70s.
Huh, all this time, we're thinking we're coddling Manny, and Manny was coddling us.
I am going to call him and tell him what a good boy he is.
Gloria, if you call him all worked up, he'll be in tears in two seconds.
What he wanted was a nice clean exit.
We have to stay strong and give him that.
I guess.
I say we distract ourselves.
I'll go to the club, crack some inappropriate jokes, rank the astronauts, fall asleep in the sauna.
Okay.
Have fun.
I'll go shopping with Joe.
For toys? No.
For shoes.
I'm the one that is sad, not you.
Whoa.
How cool.
Just stay focused, Phil.
Honey, honey.
No matter how realistic these robots get, I'm always going to love you.
Thank you.
Oh.
There she is.
- Hi! Hi! - Honey! Uh, excuse me, that's a clean room.
You can't go in there without putting on a sterile suit and taking an air shower to remove all possible contaminants.
They really are lifelike.
I think you should handle this.
I don't, uh I don't want to overwhelm our our daughter.
Yes.
What are you doing? That was designed to perform cardiovascular surgery.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) I'm I'm I'm so sorry.
Um.
where where are the fun ones? (AIR WHOOSHING) I didn't hate that.
Mom, what are you doing here? Okay, well, your father and I were leaving your room, and we noticed, oh, you'd thrown out that cute dress you love so much.
And I thought to myself, "Why? Why would she do that?" And I thought maybe maybe you tried to wear it for a boy, to impress him, and it didn't go well, and it made you feel bad.
Or, maybe I just didn't like the dress.
Or my thing.
No, it's my fault you yelled at me.
You kids here are under extreme pressure.
COMPUTER VOICE: Extreme pressure.
You fool.
(AIR WHOOSHING LOUDLY) Dad Alex [CLEARS THROAT.]
did I ever tell you about a certain male cheerleader who over-rotated during a Flying Half Toby? He limped his way back to his dorm room and threw out his favorite outfit, because harem pants are for winners.
Guys, I'm fine! Why do you keep trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist? I don't know.
Maybe we just want to feel like you still need us.
But look at you.
You don't need anything.
Which is terrific.
You're our little superstar who can do anything.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I totally, totally, totally don't feel that way.
(WHISPERS) Shut up! Is something wrong? Okay, fine.
if you really must know, I've been kind of feeling like an outsider here.
It's come to my attention that I may be a bit of a show-off.
There's a proof in my advanced mathematical chaos class.
It's been on the board all year.
No one could solve it.
Until one night in bed, it just came to me.
And of course I had to put on my best dress for my big moment.
- Class dismissed.
- (MARKER CLATTERS) (ALL MURMURING) I just never want to see that stupid dress again.
Honey, people are always gonna be intimidated by your intellect.
Maybe it's time you showed them some of your vulnerability.
How have they not seen it? I've been an awkward nerd my whole life.
Everywhere but here.
Sweetheart, here you're Haley.
(METAL CLATTERS) Excuse me.
I know it's stinks! It's a work in progress.
No, you, uh just dropped this.
Oh.
Thanks.
And, actually, you've got nothing to worry about.
You're way further along than I am.
I'm kind of freaking out.
Really? I built a rock-paper-scissors robot, and it sucks.
- I beat it 8 out of 10 times.
- (SOFTLY) What? Hey, if you're not too busy right now, do you think maybe you'd want to help me with mine a little bit? Sure.
Nice work, partner.
That was a clinic.
Yeah, we are parenting at the highest possible level.
COMPUTER VOICE: Highest possible level.
You fools! - (AIR WHOOSHING LOUDLY) - Aaaaaah! Uh (WHOOSHING CONTINUES) Hi.
So, I called the hotel like you asked.
Mini-bar's stocked with rosé and Ensure.
And I canceled the one reservation.
Who's not coming? About that, uh, we need to talk.
- Okay.
- (DOOR HANDLE THUDDING) It's locked.
Mr.
Voorhees was a little too excited to hear that the cart girl was tagging along.
I'm sorry, but I can't risk being upstaged by a hot-to-trot 30-year-old.
(CHUCKLES) Kind of rounded up there.
Um so, I'm just out as your assistant, like that? It's harder on me than it looks.
I feel really (VEHICLE DEPARTING) (SIGHS) Go ahead.
There's a foursome on the seventh green that looks thirsty.
Thanks, boss.
(SIGHS) Luke! Luke, you will not regret hiring your first male cart girl.
I didn't mention, but I've been in a really dark place.
Hey, do you mind if I ditch the kerchief? Yeah might want to hand over your belt and shoelaces, too.
Take a walk with me, Reuben.
You're low on frozen mangoes.
Put it on your list.
Oh, and get me a box of lady sticks.
What What What are you making? I'm making one of your fruit smoothies.
Oh, Pam All right, I'm making one of your homosexual smoothies.
- Hey - (BLENDER WHIRS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) - What the hell? - Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my gosh! - Okay.
Get the hose! Get the hose! It's in the window! Oh, Mitchell! (BLOWS) I bet that's what started the fire.
Well, h-how can it be when that's the first time it's sparked ever? Yeah, it was the oven.
I turned that off.
I told Mitchell.
- She did? - Did you? I See, I feel like I'd remember that.
You let me think I burned down the kitchen when you did? It was the only way for me to get a say in the remodel.
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
I let you pick things.
Really? Name one thing in this room that was my idea.
- Oh, just one one thing? - One thing.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, fine.
Oh, how how about the blanket? Yeah, because you said it reminded you of the blanket you used to lay on at your grandparents' house and eat your caramel corn when you watched Mary Lou Retton vault her way into America's heart.
What are you talking about? Are Are you seriously trying to incept a memory in my mind to make me believe that I chose that blanket? Oh, kind of like you made me think I burned down our kitchen? Okay, whoa.
Why do we keep doing this to each other? I know.
Are we so broken that we can't even be honest? Speaking of broken, how about a new blender? Chop chop That is both the brand and when I want it! - (DOOR OPENS) - Um okay.
- I have a theory - (DOOR SLAMS) uh, that lets us both off the hook.
I'm inclined to be on board.
Um, we both can agree that your sister - can be a bit of a bully.
- Yes.
I'm sure growing up, the only way to get your way was to be manipulative.
It might also be said you grew up oppressed by one of history's great monsters your sister, Claire.
Exactly.
We're not terrible.
- They are.
- They are.
(CHUCKLES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Jay? Hey.
(CHUCKLES) I found this under your bed.
I figured you might be able to use it.
I mean, you don't want to be the only kid in art school without a beret.
Thanks.
Since you're here, you want to meet my new roommate? Huh.
His stuff's gone.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - GLORIA: Knock, knock! Hi, Jay, what are you doing here? I thought you were at the club.
You said you were going shopping.
I was but then I saw this little pillow.
Look "Wake Up, Kick Ass, Repeat.
" Isn't it so Manny? Thanks, Mom.
So, you got your hat, so I'm gonna Look, if I didn't say it it's a big deal, you going here.
Good job.
Well, if I didn't say it, I-I couldn't have done it without you.
(CLEARS THROAT) What are we doing? - We can hug.
We're family.
- Yeah.
(VOICE BREAKING) We are, you know.
We're family.
(VOICE BREAKING) I'll try to make you proud.
(VOICE BREAKING) You already have.
(GASPS) Let me in here! Thank you for taking good care of us.
Well, that's what you do for the people you love.
They love you, too! (ALL SOBBING) (EXHALING SHARPLY) Damn it! - Damn it! - There's no shame in admitting defeat.
You don't understand.
He's getting tired.
He's not tired.
That's the point.
- He's a machine.
- Just once, would you believe in me?! As my wife, aren't you supposed to be my Rock! Damn it! (EXHALES HEAVILY) What does every mother tell her kid not to run with? Paper! Damn it! My hand's getting tired.
Oh, I'm I'm so sorry, buddy.
Why didn't you say so? Fist bump.
Ha! Loser! No.
And still champion!