Seinfeld s09e02 Episode Script

George, you're not really handicapped, are you? I've had my difficulties.
I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200-pound motorized cart with one hand.
Mr.
Thomassoulo, during times of great stress people are capable of superhuman strength.
Have you ever seen The Incredible Hulk, sir? - No.
How about the old Spider-Man live-action show? George, I realize that we've signed a one-year contract with you.
But at this point, I think it's best if we both go our separate ways.
I don't understand.
We don't like you.
We want you to leave.
Clearer.
- So you're staying at Play Now? - Why not? The pay is good, I got dental and private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city.
But they know you're not handicapped.
Aren't you ashamed? They're the ones that should be.
They signed me to a one-year contract.
As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Hello, Elaine.
- What's that? - It's just his stupid thing.
Well, I'm sure it's stupid.
It's not about me, is it? - No.
- Not at all.
- Tell me.
- All right.
- You know this girl Claire I'm seeing? - Yeah.
He and I started joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me.
- How's it talking? - Well, the bellybutton's like a mouth.
I'm bored.
Talk to me.
Oh, I gotta start taking these "stupid" warnings more seriously.
- Hey, look who's here.
Puddy.
- My Puddy? - We broke up.
- And yet he continues to live.
Hey, Benes.
- How are you? - I'm doing great.
Great.
- See you.
- Well, that's it.
You two are back together.
- What? - The bump-into.
The bump-into, always leads to the backslide.
David and I will not be getting back together.
Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine.
You can't do it in one push.
You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
That's beautiful.
What about you? You were even engaged and you cut it off just like that.
That's different.
I had no feelings for those people.
But you, you'll backslide.
- You wanna bet? - Stakes? - Fifty.
- Dollars? - All right.
Witness? - Witness.
- Done.
- Percentage? - No.
- No.
- So I'll call you tonight? - Yeah.
What's wrong with the belt? At the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled wildly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal so that's it.
- So you're insane.
- Oh, yes.
Quite.
- Hello.
- Of course, it's a sliding scale.
See you later.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Look at this: They're redoing the Cloud Club.
The restaurant on the Chrysler Building? - Good idea.
- Of course it is.
It's my idea.
I conceived this whole project two years ago.
Which part? The "renovating the restaurant you don't own" part or "spending the 200 million you don't have" part? I come up with these things, I know they're gold but nothing happens.
You know why? No resources, skill, talent, ability, brains? No.
No time.
It's all these menial tasks.
Laundry, grocery shopping, coming in here and talking to you.
Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment? I could ballpark it.
Hello.
Here we go.
Now she comes in.
My whole day is shot.
I called you last night.
Where were you? I went out with a friend.
- George? - No.
No.
No.
Well, I was here.
That's everyone.
Are those the same shoes as yesterday's? You know, I wear these shoes all the time.
Your hair, it's somewhat depoofed.
Oh, it's the new look, you know? Heroin chic.
Wait a second.
- What's going on here? - Nothing.
Nothing! You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
- You saw Puddy.
- Oh, hoochie-moochie.
- Game over.
Pay up.
- No.
It was an isolated sexual incident.
- We are not back together.
- Then what do you call it? People don't just bump into each other and have sex.
This isn't Cinemax.
It was no big deal, okay? We fooled around, then we went out, grabbed a little dinner.
Dinner? That's it.
- What? - You're all the way back.
Sex, that's meaningless.
I can understand.
Dinner, that's heavy.
That's an hour.
on a Toyota one-ton.
That was my idea too! - Good morning.
- Go to hell.
- Hi, Alice.
That's a nice dress.
- Don't even look at me.
- Hey, Glenn.
- Go to hell.
Heard that one already.
So that's the bedroom.
Here's the bathroom.
You need to familiarize yourself with the kitchen.
Yeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers.
- And you are? - Oh, hey, I'm Darin.
I'm new here.
Yeah, that's Jerry.
You don't have to worry about him.
Why don't you go and get started on that mail? - Right.
- Okay, good.
He's a go-getter.
- Who's he? - My intern from NYU.
You remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries? - All right.
- Yeah, well apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real-world corporate experience.
But you only provide fantasy-world corporate experience.
Well, this'll really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.
- All right, it's time to go.
- No, Jerry.
- It's not for people.
It's for oil tankers.
- I know.
The idea is a rubber bladder inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil won't spill out.
That is not a bad idea.
Now it's time to go.
- Hello? - Hello.
Hello.
- What's going on? - Siege mentality, Jerry.
They want me out of here.
They've downgraded me to some sort of a bunker.
I'm like Hitler's last days here.
- So you gonna leave? - Oh, no.
I'm invigorated.
They'll never get me out.
I'm like a weed, Jerry.
I thought you're like Hitler in the bunker.
I'm a weed in Hitler's bunker.
I'm uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff.
I got another call.
See you.
- Hello? - Hi, this is Darin from Kramer's office.
Mr.
Kramer would like to schedule lunch with you at Monk's coffee shop.
- Really? When? - Ten minutes.
- Do you need directions? - No, I don't.
- I'll call back in five minutes to confirm.
- Yeah, five.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So where's my money? No money.
I'm Puddy-free.
- So are we eating or what? - Oh, yeah, hold on.
Hello, Darin, this is Jerry from Jerry's office.
We're gonna be three for lunch.
What do you mean he's already left? Hey, Elaine's gonna come with us.
- When did this happen? - Just Darin! I am not calling Puddy.
What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddy's.
I should call him.
I need those gloves.
No, I better not.
I'll call him.
Oh, look at that.
There are the gloves.
I was just about to call.
And there they are.
That's funny.
That's really funny.
That is really, really funny.
You know who loves funny stories? David Puddy.
Play Now's through playing.
They turned the heat way up in my office.
Tried to sweat me out.
Do you have to write all this stuff down? Mr.
Kramer's in a meeting with Mr.
Lomez but he didn't wanna miss anything.
So how hot did it get? I don't know, 120, 130.
Then they sent some guys in to sandblast for six hours.
Tomorrow, they're putting in asbestos.
I guess you can take anything but actual work.
Bring it on.
- Hello, Kramer.
- Welcome.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't get out of there.
What did I miss? After ordering, Mr.
Seinfeld and Mr.
Costanza debated on whether Iron Man wore some sort of undergarment between his skin and his iron suit.
I say he's naked under there.
- That makes a lot of sense.
- Shut up.
Then Mr.
Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr.
Costanza scooped ice from Mr.
Seinfeld's drink with his bare hand, and used it to wash up.
And then Mr.
Costanza then remarked to me: "This never happened.
" - What's so funny? - Oh, nothing.
What are you laughing about? Tell me.
All right, but this is really dumb, really stupid.
We've been doing this silly kind of voice.
- So is it fun humiliating me? - No, it's not you.
It's your stomach.
He's talking with this funny, booming, jovial voice.
Hello.
- So you think I'm fat? - No, it Mr.
Kramer says, "Hey, buddy.
" We're in the middle of something.
You mind coming back later? - Sure.
Should we set something up? - Get out! - I'm leaving too.
- Nobody said you're fat.
He's a lovable character.
He's like the Kool-Aid guy.
- He is fat.
- No.
He's just a little bloated.
- Goodbye! - It's mostly water weight! Boysenberry.
Kid's still learning.
Mr.
Kramer, the dean of my internship's on line two.
- She wants to set a meeting.
- Yeah, well, nothing before noon.
- Line two? - Yeah, your phone is line one.
So the gloves were right by the phone? That is pretty funny.
See? This is what Jerry doesn't understand.
We can see each other.
We can see each other, but it doesn't mean we're together.
No.
I mean, I love just seeing you and having sex.
- Yeah.
- Not having to do all that you know, work.
- Well, either way - All that calling you and buying stuff.
- David.
Hearing about how everyone at work isn't as smart as you.
It's brutal.
All right, that's it.
- We're back together.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
- Look, Elaine, be reasonable.
Get those clothes off.
You're spending the night.
- We're gonna cuddle.
- What? You heard me: strip.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Hello, Marjorie.
George Costanza.
How are you, sweetheart? Listen, could you give Mr.
Thomassoulo a message for me? Yes.
If he needs me, tell him I'm in my office! Thanks, dear.
Dean Jones, you wanted to talk to me? I've been reviewing Darin's internship journal.
- Doing laundry? - Yeah.
Mending chicken wire? High tea with a Mr.
Newman.
I know it all sounds pretty glamorous but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Far as I can tell your enterprise is a little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment, which may or may not have a chicken.
And with Darin's help, we'll get that chicken.
I'm sorry, but we can't allow Darin to continue working with you.
Well, I have to say, this seems capricious and arbitrary.
Your fly's open.
You're sure you're not angry about last night? No.
I'm fine.
Just as long as you don't ever do that voice again.
- Never? - Never.
- What about if you're not around? - No.
I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice? - That's right.
- I can do that.
- What's your decision? - I don't know.
Hello.
Jerry, hi.
Hello.
- You broke up with her? Why? - So we could do the voice.
- What's the matter? - I think I'm getting tired of it.
I mean, is that all it does? Hello and? It could do anything.
It could be Spanish.
Hello.
I like the girl better than the voice.
Really? Hello.
- Still? - I told you.
All right, here you go.
Choke on it.
See.
Never bet against the backslide.
- I knew you two would get back together.
- Not for long.
- I'm breaking up with him.
- Oh, I don't think so.
I've seen you together.
You make each other miserable.
It's kismet.
- Double or nothing? - Done.
- Witness.
- You're in there again? I think Play Now is putting something in my food.
All right, I'm out of here.
What is this? I don't know.
I found them in your closet.
Since Darin left, I can't find anything.
He took all my clothes to some cleaners.
I'm clueless.
- Is that clock right? - Yeah.
9:00.
I was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo 12 hours ago.
Goodbye, Kramer.
Jerry, buddy, I gotta tell you something.
That voice is played.
- Really? - So played.
I told you.
Darin.
What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship.
I don't care about the internship.
I care about Kramerica.
No, no, no.
Kramerica is no more.
What about the tanker bladder system? We were gonna put an end to maritime oil spills.
Probably.
Darin, you go home.
Forget about Kramerica.
- Well, you're still here? - I haven't had time to leave.
Well, I haven't changed my mind.
You are a tenacious little monkey.
All right, I'll do it.
- Kramerica Industries lives.
- Yes.
- Let's get to work.
- Okay.
Let's see what Jerry's got to eat.
You win, George.
We've had it.
You leave right now and Play Now will give you six-months' pay.
That's half of your entire contract.
Please, just go.
See, if I stay the whole year I get it all.
- Wanna play hardball, huh? Fine.
Attention, Play Now employees.
George Costanza's handicapped bathroom on the 16th floor is now open to all employees and their families.
- Well played.
- I'll see you in hell, Costanza.
Claire, thanks for giving me a second chance.
Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice.
Hold on one second.
- We don't wanna do the voice anymore? - Don't think so.
All right, we're back together again.
Great.
Bye-bye.
- Hey.
- Trouble down at the plant? It's a drum of oil.
Darin and I are finally gonna test my bladder system.
You have to drink that whole thing? No, no, no.
It's for oil tankers.
All I need to do is fill a rubber container with oil then drop it to see if it can withstand the impact.
I understand.
Would a giant rubber ball work? Conceivably.
Well, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls.
Why don't we test your bladder system at my office? - You're not.
- Oh, yes, I am.
Mr.
Thomassoulo likes to play dirty.
Well, there's nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil.
You wanna split a Reuben? I don't think so, David.
We're through.
That's a nice sweater.
That was a doozy.
- Go again? - Book it.
Witness.
David, I know this hurts, but it's the way it has to be.
I'm gonna go get some popcorn.
- So how did it end? - They got away.
Listen, David, I've gotta run.
Can you lend me 50 bucks? Hey.
- Jerry, you bring the video camera? - Yeah.
I put a six-hour tape in.
That should cover the experiment, the arrest and most of your trial.
- I'll see you.
- Yeah.
Oh, you might wanna stick around, Jerry.
Mr.
Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped.
I can't.
I gotta meet Claire.
- You gave up the voice? - Yeah, that was stupid.
- Unless you're liking it again.
- No.
- Darin? - Sorry, Mr.
Seinfeld.
- Bathroom? - Hey, use mine.
I'll let you in.
I thought it was open to the public.
I took care of that.
Xanadu.
No wonder you're putting in so many hours.
- May I? - I insist.
I'll fix us a drink.
I got it.
You know, Darin, if you had told me 25 years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems I would've said you were crazy.
Now, let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
So check out my view.
There's Claire.
I better go down.
Hey, there's Kramer and Darin.
There's the giant ball of oil.
Claire's right underneath that thing.
Claire.
Hello! Hello! Hello! I don't believe this.
I'm not looking up, if you're going to do that voice.
Bombs away.
This is going to be a shame.
Hello.
Well, that didn't work.
Hey, how about this? Ketchup and mustard in the same bottle? - Oh, that sounds interesting, sir.
- Yeah.
Claire won her lawsuit against Play Now.
Gee, Play Now's filing for bankruptcy.
- Guess you're not going in anymore.
- No.
- They're not paying you? - No.
- So you're pretty much? - Yeah.
Whatever happened to Darin? Darin's going away for a long, long time.
Claire sure looked pretty funny all covered in oil like that.
Hello.
I got beaned with a giant ball of oil.
I'm slippery as an eel.
I'm just so glad it's back.
See? This is good.
This is the way it should be.
You know, why were we fooling ourselves? We belong together.
Elaine, I wanna break up.
Nuts.