The King of Queens s09e02 Episode Script

Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
I think somebody's into me.
What? Look what she gave me.
She gave me pretzels.
Look at what everyone else has-Peanuts.
So? So i was in here the other day.
I told her i was allergic to peanuts.
And sienna remembered.
That doesn't mean she's into you, all right? It means she doesn't want to have to open your throat with a pen.
You know what? Just face it, danny.
The "pretty lady" bus has just pulled in to spenceville.
Come on, you got to choose.
All right, fine.
Um, i guess i'd rather have My feet cut off.
So you're gonna go no feet instead of no hands.
All right.
How are you gonna walk? I don't know, man.
You said i had to pick one.
I know.
But the obvious choice is hands.
I mean, you need feet to be able to move around.
You have feet and you don't move around.
This is what i get for trying to have a serious conversation with you.
We'd better get going or we'll be late for the movie.
Oh, i'm not gonna be late because i got feet.
Good luck getting there on your ankle nubs, yeah.
You all set? Uh, yep.
And this is for you.
Oh, thanks.
Let me get you some change.
Oh, no sweat.
Keep it.
Hey! Thank you very much.
How much did you give her? I don't know.
Five bucks.
Five?! I only gave her two, And our checks were exactly the same.
Hey, man, i used to be a waiter, all right? I know what it's like to serve idiots like you.
You made me look bad in front of sienna.
No.
I think the thing hanging out of your nose beat me to the punch.
The movie really got me thinking.
I mean, why aren't there people living on mercury right now? Well, for one thing, it's 800 degrees.
We'd burn up in, like, two seconds.
No.
If we're wearing, like, special suits, Like nick nolte and martin lawrence.
P.
S.
, they'd be great in "the doug and deacon story.
" Oh.
I got two messages.
It's me.
Listen, real quick, There's a pie in the fridge.
It's for my book club.
Please don't touch it.
Doug Please.
Bye.
We'll see.
Hi.
I hope this is the doug heffernan I met in the hamptons.
It's jessica.
I can't stop thinking about last weekend.
How good you smelled, How your lips tasted, About what we did on the beach.
Anyway, you got my number.
Give me a call.
Talk to me, player.
Is it possible i blacked out Went to the hamptons And let a very hot girl taste me? I'm guessing no, but what was that about? Damn! I don't know.
I guess there's another doug heffernan.
She probably got my number by mistake.
I got to erase that, though.
Carrie can't hear that.
What for? You didn't do anything.
No.
Trust me.
She's got quite a jealous streak going.
If she hears that Ok, ok.
I'm serious, man.
Once i was in a supermarket And another girl just looked at me.
Carrie beat her with a cantaloupe.
So i never got this message, And i never got the one about the pie.
Let's go.
Yello.
Doug? Yeah.
Hi.
It's jessica from the hamptons.
I hope you remember me.
Uh, yeah.
Actually, i'm glad you called.
You are? Yeah.
Look, you know what? It was not me who was with- Hey, who's that? Uh, my mom.
Oh! Good.
I need to get her credit card number If she still wants those theater tickets.
Ok, yeah.
No, i'll- I'll tell her.
I got it.
Excuse me.
Sorry about that.
That's ok, sexy.
You're worth waiting for.
Listen, i just want you to know, i'm not the guy who you- Your voice sounds deeper on the phone.
Really? Because i'm just talking, you know, normally.
I mean.
Hey.
Did you get the credit card number? Oh, no, i didn't.
I can't get a word in edgewise.
You know my mom.
She's so crazy.
Listen, it sounds like i caught you at a bad time.
I- I'll just call back later.
No, no, no.
No, no.
It's fine.
No? You mean no like you said on the beach? Mm! You know what? Just tell her that i'll put the tickets On my credit card.
Oh, ok.
Ok.
I-I'll do it.
You have a great night, sexy.
Love you.
Ok.
Love you, too.
Ok.
Mom, mom, mom.
Hello.
Hello? That's the third hang up this morning.
Really? Yeah.
Twice while you were in the shower.
Listen, tell your girlfriends to at least wait Until i've gone to work.
Hey, car.
Have a good one.
All right.
She called again.
Who? Jessica.
She hung up on carrie 3 times this morning.
Well, how do you know for sure it was her? Trust me.
It's her.
She's obsessed with me.
You mean, with the other doug heffernan.
No.
With me, too.
Ok, she called last night, And, well, we talked.
Well, why didn't you tell her you weren't the same guy? I tried, but carrie was standing right there.
Well, so now she thinks you are the doug heffernan she slept with? Yes.
And i may have told her i love her.
Wow.
You know, for someone who did nothing wrong, You've dug yourself quite a hole here.
Oh, good.
I hope that's her.
Hello.
Hi, sexy.
Jessica.
It's jessica.
Yeah, yeah.
I got that.
Hey, uh, i'm-I'm glad you called.
Um, look, this whole thing kind of got out of control here, But the bottom line, i'm not the same person you were with In the hamptons.
That night changed me, too.
No, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
It's not me.
I don't- I don't even know you.
What? What's going on here, doug? Last night you tell me you love me, And then this morning some strange woman answers your phone And suddenly you don't know me? Yes.
So we're good? Look, doug, don't play games.
If this was only a one-Night thing for you, just say so And you'll never hear from me again.
No, it's not that- Just say it! It was a one-Night thing for me.
Oh, god.
I knew it, i knew it! Oh, hey, come on.
Don't cry.
Come on.
No! Look, it's not you.
It's-It's-It's me.
What? Yeah, right.
Look, you're an awesome person, And one day, you're gonna find someone just as good as me.
Well, i guess i'm lucky to have had at least one night with you.
No, jessica, we're both lucky.
Now, you go have yourself a great life.
Bye.
I just need a minute.
Yep.
You got to be happy with what you got, deac.
What do you mean? Kelly.
Love your wife, man.
I do love my wife.
That's good.
That's good.
You should love her.
Yeah, because i'm not taking carrie for granted any more.
I learned my lesson.
What lesson? You didn't cheat.
Well, we didn't have sex in the traditional sense.
You didn't have sex in any sense.
Sounds like somebody wishes They got the wrong message on their machine.
Ok, so i'm gonna leave her $5, And i'm thinking you should stiff her.
What? No, i'm not stiffing her.
Oh, come on.
You owe me one, mr.
Big tipper.
And by the way, i talked to my mom.
for beverages.
You know what? This whole thing is really stupid, And i'm not gonna do it.
Oh, i see what's happening.
What are you talking about? You over-Tipped on purpose because you're afraid If i hook up with someone, i'm gonna move out And you're gonna be all alone.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's what i did, Because i'd hate to come home every night Not seeing you do pilates in a half-Shirt.
Hey, look, that's not the point.
The point is, ever since the holidays, You've become more and more possessive.
And other people have noticed.
Oh, have they? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, good.
Sienna, i'm ready.
Ok, the bill for me is 10.
85.
Here's 20.
Keep the change.
Ah, thank you very much.
Uh, ok, well, um, this is for the food.
And, uh, here's a little something extra for you.
This is a $100 bill.
Yup, there's plenty more where that came from.
I don't know what you expect in return for this, But i'm not for sale.
See you at home, lumpy.
Mmm.
That feels so good, baby.
What's gotten into you? Nothing.
I just got the greatest wife in the world And i want her to know i appreciate her.
Doug, that is so sweet.
You've reached the heffernan house.
Leave a message.
Hi, doug.
It's jessica.
Look, i know i promised not to call again, But, um I'm having some wine and I couldn't help thinking about last saturday, Lying naked on the sand.
I still quiver when i think about being with you.
Oh, god.
What am i doing? I shouldn't have called you.
I'm sorry.
I won't bother you again.
I love you.
Deacon.
He is the man of a thousand voices.
Come on.
What the hell was that about? Oh, my god.
It's not what you think, all right? Look, there's another doug heffernan, And this girl, she got the wrong number.
And i tried to tell her i wasn't that doug, But she didn't believe me, So i just- I had to break up with her, and- That didn't go well because she's really into me.
Carrie, i swear to god, I would never do anything to hurt you.
I got to throw up.
I swear.
All right, all right.
Listen, calm down.
I believe you.
Really? Yes.
But next time, instead of being such an idiot, Tell me about it, ok? Ah, baby, come here.
You're trembling.
Aw.
Ok.
All right, honey.
Hey, you're being really cool about this, you know? Oh, come on.
I knew that there was no way that could be you.
Uh What did you mean that that couldn't be me? Oh.
Just because i trust you.
And that message, i mean, come on! Ha ha! We weren't even together saturday night.
I told you i went bowling, but i can't even prove that, Because i paid cash, so that very well could have been me.
That's true.
Still.
For god's sakes, my - My shirt was ripped when i came home, remember? Yeah.
You said you caught it in the ball return.
And you believed that? I mean, any reasonable person would think i cheated on you.
Ok, baby.
I couldn't help thinking About last saturday, lying naked on the sand.
I still quiver when i think about being with you.
Oh, god.
What am i doing- She did not just say "quiver.
" She did.
And doug was afraid That i would think it was him.
I got to say, though, this other doug heffernan sounds pretty amazing.
He does! Well, what are you doing? I'm just gonna google this guy just for kicks.
You know, when doug and i were first engaged, I was getting cold feet, So i went to see this psychic on coney island, And she said, "Yes, doug heffernan is the guy you should marry.
" I hope i got the right one.
So you're mad because she believed you? Yes.
I mean, i give her some half-Assed explanation, And she accepts it just like that? You know what i should do? I should go out and have a real affair Just to show her.
Are you serious? No.
It sounds like a lot of work.
Oh, god.
What? The red light's blinking.
That's her again.
It could be anybody.
Oh, please.
You're here.
Who else calls me? Hey, doug heffernan, This is hector - Jessica's boyfriend.
You're dead, you hear me? Your face is dead.
Your legs are dead.
Your whole body's dead.
You are dead.
Now i'm really starting to enjoy this.
Shut up, all right? I got to figure something out here.
I got to find jessica, Hook her up with the other doug heffernan, And get her boyfriend off my back.
And i got to tell you, You're lucky you're not cursed with this charisma.
Why do i have to talk to her? Because it's your fault that she thinks that i think she's a prostitute.
Oh, god.
I can't wait till you finally do move out And i can stop cleaning up This mess you call your personal life.
Yeah, ok, just go.
Go.
What can i get you? Ah, anything on tap.
Actually, i wanted to talk to you about my friend over there.
What about him? Well, you know the $100 he gave you? He really didn't mean anything bad by it.
It's just the other day when you gave him pretzels instead of peanuts, He had this stupid idea that you liked him.
I do like him.
Come again? I like him a lot.
You're talking about that guy right over there? Yes.
Yes.
The reason i got so upset about the money, I thought he didn't respect me.
So you're saying that you could really get serious with him? Yeah.
Well, what happens if you guys hit it off and get a place together? I mean, what about his roommate, huh? Huh? What about the car they share and the joint checking account? Um, i don't even know what to say here.
Excuse me.
So? Sorry, bro.
She ain't into dudes.
What?! Yeah.
Who wants to go to ikea? Come on! Yes.
Hi.
I need to make an appointment with dr.
Heffernan.
Oh, he is? Ok, how about next week? He's booked all month? Look, i really need to see him.
Is he free for lunch? Work with me, mildred.
Please.
All right, could you send me a picture of him? No, you're weird.
Yeah, i'm looking for doug heffernan.
Does he live here? Yeah.
Yeah, well, he's been messing with my girlfriend.
I'm gonna kill him.
All right, you know what? Calm down, chachi.
Look, you got the wrong doug heffernan, ok? Here's the address of the guy you're looking for.
And good luck getting an appointment.
Actually, you know what? I'm gonna come with.
Hang on.
Who is it? It's doug heffernan.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god! No, no.
Not "oh, my god.
" No, no.
It's not what you think it is.
Um, it's just gonna be a minute.
Oh, god.
My place is a mess.
You know, i wouldn't clean it.
I wouldn't.
Doug? Uh, where's doug? You're gonna get a kick out of this.
All right, look, when we get there, I'm gonna go inside, get a look at him, see what's what, And then you can carve him up like a turkey, all right? Whoa! Could you watch the potholes? I almost poked my frickin' eye out.
Sorry.
And do you understand how devastated i was When you broke up with me? Hey, it was a bad day for both of us, ok? Now, relax.
I'm taking you to the doug you want.
Yeah, well, you're only doing it So that i'll tell my boyfriend not to kick your ass.
Oh.
You mean the boyfriend you forgot to mention While we were together? Look, it's complicated, ok? Fine.
So you like the beach, huh? Ok, you got 5 minutes.
Ok, you point that finger at me again, and i'm gonna break it off.
All right, let's do this.
Ok.
Carrie? Hey, listen, i'm in a rush, So i'll just see you back at the house.
Whoa, whoa! I just got out of my car With another woman, the same woman who's been leaving Sexually explicit messages on the machine, hmm? All right.
I got to run.
Bye.
Wait a second, car- I could have just as easily slept with her.
No, you couldn't.
Sure he could.
She'll sleep with anybody.
Thank you.
Ok? See that? She'll sleep with anybody.
Hey, well, you know what? I'm anybody.
Yeah! Excuse me.
Hey, wait a second.
I know what you've been up to.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're gonna be sorry.
What are you even doing here? Um, i have a doctor's appointment.
You're unbelievable.
Well, come on.
You've been having a fake affair all week.
Let me have a little fun.
Uh-Uh.
Uh-Uh.
You're stuck with this doug heffernan, Not dr.
Quiver.
Now, let's go home.
Come on.
Doug, come on.
I've come all this way.
Let me just get one minute with him.
Nope.
I can't have one, you can't have one.
Oh, please don't hurt him.
Don't hurt him, hector.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not gonna hurt him.
I'm gonna kill him.
But, hector, please! He's dead.
Oh, god! Dr.
Heffernan, I think another one of your women is here.
Oh, that's the one from the beach.
I'd better go down the back way.
Hi.
It's ken.
Uh, i hope this is the doug heffernan i met on fire island last sunday.
Anyway, i'd love to take you up on that cup of coffee.
Call me.
What's going on here, doug? That you believe?!