Bob's Burgers s09e03 Episode Script
Tweentrepreneurs
1 Calculator, check.
Business casual barrette, check.
Um, has anyone seen my laser pointer? - I borrowed it.
Gene, look.
- (grunting excitedly) Stop it, Louise.
Your brother's not a cat.
I got it, I got it! Oh.
- That's my boy.
- That was fun.
I'm done.
Tina, what's with all the business stuff? Today's the first day of Tweentrepreneurs, the Wagstaff small business class.
We all signed up.
Oh, yeah, my little business babies.
Kids form an actual start-up to design, make and sell our own new product.
We're like Elon Musk Tina being the muskiest.
Well, I think it's great to learn about being an entrepreneur.
I mean, when I think back on when we started the restaurant, we didn't have two nickels.
The second one rolled under the fridge.
- You were so mad.
- But what we did have was a promise we made to our customers - and ourselves - Oh, boy, here we go.
that we'd never compromise on quality.
Never, never, never, never ever.
So sometimes, then? No, Gene, never ever.
Hey, uh, do you guys want me to speak to your class? - About what? - Oh, Dad.
Um, I will definitely put that out there.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Because it kind of sounds like you're not going to.
- No, it doesn't.
- Forget it.
Whew.
Oh, thank God.
Entrepreneurship is no walk in the park.
One day you have a thriving Etsy business selling hand-knitted Doctor Who scarves, the next, a PBS lawyer sends you a cease and desist letter that practically threatens to break your fingers.
PBS will get you, boy.
Don't poke that hornet's nest.
Now you will all present ideas and choose one for production.
And don't say Melrose Place mats.
That's another long story.
LOUISE: So, then the metal tapers down from the handle to this end here.
I call it the Pointy Pal.
- That's a knife, Louise.
- Yeah.
This roasted nut recipe is my own blend of herbs and spices.
It's called Zeke's Hot Nut Sack.
What? You need your asthma medicine, but you don't want to attract looks.
Solution? Inhaler Hider.
(strained, gasping breath) (hoarsely): No one will know.
It's a clown nose for horses.
Why should they miss out on all the fun? One day Zeke wasn't around, and I was bored.
- ZEKE: Lonely? - No, more bored.
- ZEKE: Sad? - No.
Anyway, I saw a chunk of wood, and I thought, "Hey, that's almost as good.
" So I made Wood Chuck.
That wood has eyes.
I love it.
Is it weird that I kind of want it to like me? Wooden yet cuddly.
Step aside, Josh Hartnett.
Looks like Wood Chucks it is.
Great.
Now, as you set up your company, remember, you kids are in charge, not me.
- So like always? - Hmm.
Jimmy Jr.
should be president because he did invent Wood Chuck.
I should be vice president of sales because people literally cannot say no to me.
- Let me try.
N - Mm-mm.
- Don't do it.
- I can't do it.
Hey, I'll be the executive in charge of sitting on corners of desks, keeping the mood light.
Who needs a nickname? - How about you, Side Pony? - Hmm.
Doesn't somebody have to make them? Oh, yeah, you got to saw the wood, sand it, stain it, stick on the googly eyes just right Ew.
So you and you and you and you can do that.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- (school bell rings) Job well done.
I mean, my job.
You guys are just getting started.
Hey, there's a plate we don't need to wash.
Ha! I mean, we will.
We always do.
Eventually.
- Everything was so good.
- Aw, thank you.
Here you go.
No rush.
Uh, excuse me, did you say "no rush"? Yeah, whenever you're ready, hon.
- Well, then, I guess that would be - Yeah? - Never! - (Linda gasps) - A dine-and-dasher! Bob! - Oh, my God! - How big a check? - $7.
50 plus tip.
He liked me.
- There would have been a tip.
- That's Never mind.
I'm gonna get him.
- LINDA: Go! - Bob's chasing him.
Go, Bob, g Oh, Bob gave up.
Now he's walking back.
Now he's stopping to rest.
(out of breath): He got away.
It all happened so fast.
It happened kind of fast.
What, I should have caught him? He had a huge head start.
Maybe spend a little less time fooling with your apron.
I can't run with it on, Teddy.
Can't run so good with it off, either.
Well, someone else could have chased him, too, right? I was busy memorizing his face.
Ooh, what'd you get? I'll make a sketch.
Well, I was startled, so I didn't get much.
- Definitely two eyes.
- Okay.
- Uh, what about a nose? - Yeah, right in between the eyes - and down a little.
- Yeah, that checks out.
That's the guy I saw, too.
Oh, my God.
(sneezes) Wow, that sawdust really travels back into the old respiratory system.
(wheezing): But smooth.
Yeah, sawdust with a stain chaser.
At least there's no ventilation.
This job stinks.
Each smile I draw is a lie, a damn lie! Well, the first batch is done.
Now it's time to turn these Chucks into bucks.
Sales: the real work.
I'll take one.
- I want one, too.
- You're gonna live with me now.
- Take our money.
- You and I are great at this.
I know.
Wood Chucks making bucks Wood Chucks making bucks We're making Wood Chucks and we're making bucks Making bucks.
100 Wood Chucks sold.
Wow! And we all worked our B's off.
Yeah, like when Zeke brought in cupcakes for Jocelyn's birthday.
We worked overtime to finish eating them.
(laughs) Not really.
TINA: Hey, are there any Band-Aids over here? Oh, um, is something going on? We celebrated all our sales by investing our profits in a SodaSpurt thingy.
And we didn't want to invite I mean, um, disturb you guys 'cause you seemed really in the zone just making Wood Chucks.
Do you see spots in the zone? If you do, - then I'm definitely in the zone.
- Quick question.
- What's going on - (soda fizzes) - What - (soda fizzes) - What (groans) - (soda fizzes) - What Damn it, Jocelyn! - (soda fizzes) What? I'm trying to make it fizzy.
I was doing my job.
What's with these cubicles? You literally boxed us in back there.
TAMMY: We tried the open floor plan.
It just wasn't working.
We don't want to get sawdust in our soda.
Okay, it just feels like you're creating a division with these divisions.
I mean, it's nice not having to see Tammy anymore, but Oh, I'm sorry, it's hard to hear you from the other room.
I'm so sorry.
Boy, I really could use a (wheezing): dust mask.
(sighs) If every other class wasn't literally worse than a sweatshop, I'd transfer out of here so fast.
Mr.
Frond, do you think we could switch jobs soon? Oh, sure, Tina, we'll just switch jobs.
Like people never get stuck in the same job their whole career.
I'm gonna go talk to those guys.
This is ridiculous.
- Can I help you? - I need to see Jimmy Jr.
He's, like, super busy in a meeting or something.
Why don't you tell me what it is, and I will tell him.
Fine.
We need dust masks and Band-Aids and gloves and a timetable on when we'll be switching jobs.
So you're crabby.
Did I get it all? - (groans) - Hey! You bought snacks, too? No, just chips and chocolate-covered almonds and a second kind of chocolate-covered almonds.
Look, it seems like the sanders and stainers are doing all the frickin' work while management sits on their damn butts.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, language.
NSFW, girl.
Huh.
Maybe Tina has a point.
- We should take turns.
- What? Hold up.
- Tina, have an almond.
- I don't want an alm - Mmm.
So - And another.
- Mmm.
- One more.
Mmm.
Which kind is that? Let's take a walk.
You are raising some amazing points.
I hope someone's writing them down.
- I wrote them down.
- Oopsies.
Well, there that went.
So, maybe you could keep all your smarty ideas going as our new sander and stainer relations manager.
- Manager? - Mm-hmm.
You'd be in here.
TINA: This is kind of nice.
Have a seat.
The chair is an exercise ball.
- Whoa.
- (imitates buzzer) - Jocelyn, could you bring us two sodas? - JOCELYN: Okay! Did you just make a buzz sound with your voice? Mm-hmm, I did.
And so can you.
(imitates buzzer) - Feels good, right? - Yeah.
- Sodas.
- (Tammy slurping) Well, it's what's best for the company, right? (burps) Exactly.
(slurping) - I don't believe it.
- Me either.
An exercise ball for a desk chair? What's next? By the way, Rudy, thank you for letting me stand on you.
No problem.
(grunts) And my Scotch tape.
And, you know, this cat calendar is mine, but I think I'm gonna leave it.
Ugh.
You're one of them now, Tina.
You're a suit.
And not a fun, frisky suit, like something Ellen would wear.
Guys, this is a good thing.
I'm gonna be your eyes and ears over there, looking out for you.
Like, weren't you whining about something, Rudy? A dust mask.
It only sounded like whining because of my restricted windpipe.
Right, so I guess I'll be going next door now.
Unless, surprise good-bye party? Yes? No? - You've got to be kidding.
- Okay, then.
Let's all stay in touch.
You said "mouse pad.
" - Dust mask! - Right, right, right.
So, in conclusion, we're eating snacks faster than we're making Wood Chucks.
So, what I hear is we're doing our part.
Yeah, the sanders and stainers got to keep up with us.
Well, if some of us helped out over there - Whoa.
- Um -Do what? - Uh - I mean, not us.
- Obviously, we're slammed.
- So slammed.
Why don't they just make them faster? How long does it even take to make a dumb Wood Chuck? Um, like, 20 minutes? So, if we cut that to ten minutes, instead of one Chuck, they could make - Two? - Whoa, math.
I mean, they might have some rough edges, but it's better than nothing, right? Yeah, we're all a work in progress, right, J-Ju? - Get over here, come on.
- Aah.
You know, if we cut the ten minutes to Five minutes?! So, good talk.
I'm going to let you guys - get crack-a-lacking.
- (snaps fingers) I was ready to be annoyed, but that finger thing was cool.
I don't know if I can go any faster.
My little body is already breaking down.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
- Work harder.
- Half-ass it.
Oh-oh, half-ass it.
I don't know, that still sounds like a lot of ass.
So, quarter-ass it is.
Gonna throw just a little bit of my cheek in.
Ooh, quarter-assin' A little bit of the cheek, a little bit of the cheek Ooh, quarter-assin' A little bit of the cheek, a little bit of the cheek Ooh, quarter-assin' - A little bit of the cheek.
- (door bells jingle) Hey, guys, how was your day? How's Tweentrepreneurs? - I don't want to talk about it.
- (Gene grumbles) Great.
We're pushing a lot of units, making bank.
- How's Bob's Burgers? - Um, excuse me? Are you making bank? How many units are you pushing? Tell her you're pushing units.
Tell her you're making bank.
Tina, you're-you're not making sense right now.
I know, so business-y.
Let's go, Gene.
Smells like "entre-manure" in here.
- That was me, but also, yeah.
- (door bells jingle) Okay, Dad, you didn't ask, but here are five things you could do right now to improve your business.
- Smaller burgers.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Cook them ahead of time.
Keep them warm under a lamp.
- Mm-mm.
Mm.
- Raise prices.
- Maybe buy a comb? - Mm.
You getting this, Bob? You taking notes? Tina, you're sounding kind of like a business monster.
I wouldn't say business master, it's just common sense.
I-I said business monster.
Can we circle back on this next week? I've got to make some calls.
Also, the spinning made me nauseous.
Do you think she'd do our taxes? Wait, that customer in the booth over there.
I-Isn't that our dine-and-dasher? I don't think so.
Mm, yeah, he doesn't look much like my sketch.
Yeah, and this guy has a hat.
Well, anyone could put on a hat.
It takes time.
You got to find one that's flattering.
- It's not that hard.
- This guy, he thinks he looks good in any hat.
Anyway, we can't just accuse him if we don't know for sure.
That's true.
Uh, why don't you go over there and feel him out a little? - Be sly.
- You kidding? You're talking to Sly and the Family Stallone.
Hello! So, you look like a busy person.
- You ever eat on the run? - I'm sorry? You like Christmas carols? Dashing through the snow.
You like that one? The one about dashing? - She's great at this.
- Uh, is-is something the matter? All right, we had a dine-and-dasher the other day, and you look a little bit like him.
- The guy had a hat and everything? - No, no hat.
Oh, well, I can see why you'd be concerned.
(chuckles): But if it was me, I would have to be crazy to come back, right? I mean, uh, totally crazy.
(laughs) I'm sorry.
I guess you got one of those faces where you look like other people, like owls.
- (chuckles) - All owls look the same to me.
- Those big eyes.
- (chuckles) Oh, sure.
You know, it's fine.
Oh, hope you enjoyed your meal.
Here's your check.
- It's not him.
- Aah! - Okay, it's him.
- Damn it! Hi, guys.
Just popping in.
We couldn't finish these next door, so, naturally, I thought of you.
Oh really, Tina? A third of a muffin? (gasps) Thank you so much.
It's raisin something or other.
It's not good.
Anyway, we've had a ton of complaints about splinters, so I'm doing my best.
Any progress on my dust mask? Working on it, Rudy! What's it gonna take to get more work out of you guys? I've tried the carrot, I've tried the stick.
And you even tried carrot sticks.
- That was a dark day.
- I'm feeling dizzy.
Pull your shirt over your mouth and keep going, Rudy.
Oh, good idea.
Tina, you are this close to a walkout.
Yeah, except walking also sounds like too much work.
Where am I?! Everything looks like a Wood Chuck! You broke Rudy, Tina! Rudy, you're fine! Why is that Wood Chuck saying I'm fine?! That's it! We're out.
We're on strike.
Wait.
What? Hey, we-we-we can work this out.
I think I can get you guys, uh, SodaSpurt privileges.
Maybe-maybe not flavored, but-but still, uh, bubbles.
Put your bubbles in your butt! Come on, guys.
Fine! Where you gonna go with your skills? One of the other ten Wood Chuck factories in town? Oh, that's right.
We're the only one! Guys, nobody's buying Wood Chucks anymore.
I didn't make a sales chart, but if I did, it would go like this.
(sputtering) Yeah.
What happened to quality control? Instead of a cute smile, this one says "Tina's a butt.
" This isn't Wood Chuck! I wouldn't hang out with this! TINA: (exhales) Let's not sugarcoat it.
Wood Chuck is dead.
It's a greasy, googly patch on the road.
Dang.
Also, our entire labor force just quit.
But to keep snacks coming, we need product.
So we turn the page to Wood Chuck 2.
Everything kids loved about Wood Chuck 1 in a smaller package we don't even sand.
I've been working on it in secret.
I mean, it only took a minute, so it wasn't hard to not tell anyone.
Wood Chuck? More like Wood Yuck.
Doesn't matter.
It's new.
We say it's cool.
Best of all, it sells for half price.
How can we sell it for half price? By squeezing our suppliers.
EDITH: You got big ones, coming in here, demanding cut-rate googly eye prices.
Cajones! You're gonna do it, too, dying mom-and-pop shop, or I take my business to the craft superstore in Bog Harbor.
Yarn Barn? On the outside, it's shaped like a barn, but on the inside, it looks like a normal store.
It's ridiculous! - Well, can't wait to see it.
- Yeah, bye.
All right, fine, but if you want bulk prices, you take bulk quantity.
5,000 googlies, a hundred dollars, no returns! Gulp.
I mean, not gulp.
Confident.
Can we get them on credit? Depends.
Are you familiar with the concept of jacked-up interest rates? - No.
- Then sign here.
I don't know, Tina.
That's, like, a big risk on something I still wouldn't hang out with.
I believe in Wood Chuck 2.
I mean, I believe people will buy anything with a higher number than the model that came before it.
Huh.
Should we have called it Wood Chuck Gold Series? - In wood? - Ooh, I want that.
Mr.
Frond, hypothetically, what would happen if the Tweentrepreneurs had a really big googly eye bill they couldn't pay? You'd be bankrupt, which happens.
No shame.
- Oh, that's not so bad.
- You'd also get an "F", and "Terrible at business" would be placed - on your permanent record.
- Oh.
And you're not a real company, so you couldn't really declare bankruptcy, so you'd have to pay your bill - or be criminally liable.
- Oh, God! But, Tina, relax.
Your question was hypothetical.
Right.
Whoa.
Tina burned this crappy company to the ground.
Yeah, where did she go to school? Oh.
Where we do.
Darn it, Tina! It's your fault we're flunking.
Now I'll never get into the Ivan League.
Okay, okay, got a little distracted.
There were so many office birthday parties! Boy, I don't know what Edith and Harold are gonna do when you tell 'em you don't have their googly eye money.
I heard Edith put a knitting needle through a man's hand just because he didn't have exact change.
Well, maybe they'll be super cool about it? Yeah, I wouldn't count on that.
Ugh LINDA: It's not our fault we got double dined-and-dashed, Bob.
It's like fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, guess where the shame is now? Still you! I don't think that's how it goes.
- Hi there.
- Oh, my God.
Now this is chutzpah.
I'm going around the neighborhood as a courtesy.
My identical twin brother has been dining and dashing in restaurants all over town.
Your-your identical twin brother? Oh, yes Gary.
He's a bad seed.
And he makes life very difficult for me, the good seed.
How stupid do you think we are? Aw, it sounds like he's been here already.
He was.
You were! We're not buying your evil twin brother hooey.
Look, I was trying to do you a favor.
I'm not even here to eat, although - I am a little bit hungry.
- Aha.
Okay, I get it.
You don't want to serve me.
I'll tell you what.
I'll prepay.
Here's $20.
- What can go wrong, huh? - Okay.
That was amazing.
(laughs) - Let's settle up.
How much? - Seven dollars.
Great.
Let's throw a two-dollar tip on there.
So what does that make now? Nine? Okay, just give me, uh, nine back from that 20.
- Uh, uh, right.
- Nine from 20.
And seven, eight, nine, and we're good.
Wait.
I think we did that backwards.
Uh, I-I-I thought something was wrong.
(chuckling): Right, I was supposed to give you the nine.
Sorry.
You have my 20.
I have your nine.
You're not trying to scam me, are you? - (laughing): Nah, nah.
- (laughs) No, we're not.
Okay, wait, um, so I give you your nine, and you give me my 20.
Right.
No, I Sorry.
I got it.
Here we go.
Nine back to you, and now we're square.
- Okay.
- And bye.
- Hey, watch out for my brother.
- (chuckles) We will.
Ugh.
Imagine having a brother like that.
Seven, tip makes nine.
His 20, my my nine.
Damn it! He came in with 20, he left with 20, Lin.
- He got a free meal.
- (gasps) Both twins are evil.
Their poor mother.
So we've opened up this emergency meeting to everyone, even the kids from the other side of the cardboard.
There's probably a nicer way of saying that.
Oh, now we're invited to the meetings.
When the company's in the toilet and the snacks are gone.
The snacks are gone?! We got to do something fast.
We're up to our googly eyeballs in debt! - How bad is it? - That's pretty bad.
Oh, sorry, kids.
I didn't see you in here.
Now, how can we raise some cash from these horrible Wood Chucks? Louise, you want to kick things off with the perfect idea? Uh-uh.
You guys created this mess, not us.
I will, however, bless this mess.
You'll never unload these things.
You might as well try to sell the whole stupid company.
Yes, that's it! Unload the whole company on some unsuspecting fool.
Ugh! I didn't mean to give you a real idea.
- Ugh, but who? - Yeah.
Ha-ha.
Good luck finding your fool.
You think the streets are crawling with Teddys? - Aha! - No, I did it again! So what's this investment opportunity? - Spoiler alert.
I want in.
- Good.
I've never gotten in on the ground floor of anything.
I always chickened out.
Not this time.
Okay, this is our product.
Don't know what this is, and there's a big splinter in my hand.
Not gonna let that bother me.
By the way, we're not telling my mom and dad about you investing.
That raises red flags, like maybe I shouldn't be doing this.
But I'm gonna quash that feeling so I don't miss out.
- Let's do it.
- LOUISE: Ah, Tina.
- There you are.
- So you weren't going out - to look at the foliage.
- Teddy, don't invest; the company's a stinker.
(quietly): Go away, you guys.
Teddy, I'm warning you, you'd be wasting your money.
You got to waste money to make money.
- Teddy! - You're Bob's kid, and if your company is anything like Bob's Burgers, I know I'm getting in on something special.
So here's my hundred dollars.
(groaning) LOUISE: I think that's the sound of your soul leaving your body.
Teddy, I can't do it.
Louise is right.
The company is crap.
We make a dangerous, worthless product.
- Like shampoo.
- Companies have growing pains.
- Perfectly normal.
- Don't you get it? I was conning you.
I'm a business monster.
Wow.
I don't know what to say, except that kind of honesty I've never believed in you more than right now.
Take your money back, damn it! I'm just gonna give you more, Tina! Teddy did not want to take that money back.
We did what we had to do.
Then everybody was staring, like they'd never seen three kids holding a crying man down, shoving money in his pants.
I'm really sorry, guys.
I don't know what got into me before.
All I saw were dollar signs and snacks.
You flew too close to the Sun Chips.
You know, I think I'd rather be a good bad businessperson, like Dad, than a bad good businessperson.
Does that make sense? Is this one of those riddles where it turns out you're your own son? Gene, I-I think you sat on some googly eyes.
That's okay, I'm used to eyes on my butt.
Oh, my God, guys.
We never should have made Wood Chucks in the first place.
We should have made - Could Chucks.
- Do what Chucks? Yeah, I'm not fol I don't I'm not following this.
"Could Chucks," 'cause they could be anything.
Googly eyes can go anywhere.
Like Phone Chuck? Inhaler Chuck.
- Zeke Chuck.
- (laughs) We can sell them for 25 cents a pair, pay off our debt to Reflections, and still make a small profit.
Well, let's get to selling, people.
But there's one thing we got to do first.
- Tear down these walls! - Whoa, whoa.
But then it will look like you're as good as me.
Oh, you're still vice president, Tammy.
- Oh, phew.
- The rest of us are presidents.
What?! LINDA: So, you sold off all your googly eyes, paid off Edith and Harold, and broke even? - Yep.
- Aw.
I'm proud of my Tweentrepreneurs.
And Mr.
Frond gave us a B-minus.
Oh, my God, a B-minus? That's a Belcher A.
And I saved two googlies so I can put 'em on my bosom, and I can say, "My eyes are down here!" - (door bells jingle) - Hi.
It's me.
(gasps) Unbelievable.
- I-I know, I know.
- You see? This is why we need a net from the ceiling.
So when things like this happen, we could drop a net from the ceiling.
No, please.
I did it, I'm sorry.
But your food is so good.
I've never hit a place three times.
Honestly, it's a compliment.
You robbed us three times.
That's not a compliment.
Look, here's all the money I owe you, I just I want to be able to come here as a real customer.
(chuckles) You want to be a real customer? I'm tired of dashing, Bob.
Can we start over? (sighs) All right, ground rules.
You sit on this stool, away from the door - and cash register.
- You don't touch anything.
Louise and Gene are gonna duct tape your hands and your feet.
That seems fair.
No problem.
I don't even know what's happening, - but I love it.
- Pay first.
Push your wallet across the counter with your face.
And don't talk while we make change.
In fact, we're not even making change, it's all tip.
I say we do this for all our customers now.
We'll feed you your burger.
Hi, I'm Tina.
I'll be your feeder today.
Would you like me to pretend your food -is some sort of airplane or train? - Train, please.
TINA: You're a good businessman, Dad.
BOB: Thank you, Tina.
She's a business monster, a business monster Pushing units and making bank She's a business monster, a business monster Her cardboard office is totally swank She's pounding soda, living on snacks She'll talk about it later, she'll circle back She's a business monster, a business monster Walking around like her crap don't stank She's a business monster, a business monster.
Business casual barrette, check.
Um, has anyone seen my laser pointer? - I borrowed it.
Gene, look.
- (grunting excitedly) Stop it, Louise.
Your brother's not a cat.
I got it, I got it! Oh.
- That's my boy.
- That was fun.
I'm done.
Tina, what's with all the business stuff? Today's the first day of Tweentrepreneurs, the Wagstaff small business class.
We all signed up.
Oh, yeah, my little business babies.
Kids form an actual start-up to design, make and sell our own new product.
We're like Elon Musk Tina being the muskiest.
Well, I think it's great to learn about being an entrepreneur.
I mean, when I think back on when we started the restaurant, we didn't have two nickels.
The second one rolled under the fridge.
- You were so mad.
- But what we did have was a promise we made to our customers - and ourselves - Oh, boy, here we go.
that we'd never compromise on quality.
Never, never, never, never ever.
So sometimes, then? No, Gene, never ever.
Hey, uh, do you guys want me to speak to your class? - About what? - Oh, Dad.
Um, I will definitely put that out there.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Because it kind of sounds like you're not going to.
- No, it doesn't.
- Forget it.
Whew.
Oh, thank God.
Entrepreneurship is no walk in the park.
One day you have a thriving Etsy business selling hand-knitted Doctor Who scarves, the next, a PBS lawyer sends you a cease and desist letter that practically threatens to break your fingers.
PBS will get you, boy.
Don't poke that hornet's nest.
Now you will all present ideas and choose one for production.
And don't say Melrose Place mats.
That's another long story.
LOUISE: So, then the metal tapers down from the handle to this end here.
I call it the Pointy Pal.
- That's a knife, Louise.
- Yeah.
This roasted nut recipe is my own blend of herbs and spices.
It's called Zeke's Hot Nut Sack.
What? You need your asthma medicine, but you don't want to attract looks.
Solution? Inhaler Hider.
(strained, gasping breath) (hoarsely): No one will know.
It's a clown nose for horses.
Why should they miss out on all the fun? One day Zeke wasn't around, and I was bored.
- ZEKE: Lonely? - No, more bored.
- ZEKE: Sad? - No.
Anyway, I saw a chunk of wood, and I thought, "Hey, that's almost as good.
" So I made Wood Chuck.
That wood has eyes.
I love it.
Is it weird that I kind of want it to like me? Wooden yet cuddly.
Step aside, Josh Hartnett.
Looks like Wood Chucks it is.
Great.
Now, as you set up your company, remember, you kids are in charge, not me.
- So like always? - Hmm.
Jimmy Jr.
should be president because he did invent Wood Chuck.
I should be vice president of sales because people literally cannot say no to me.
- Let me try.
N - Mm-mm.
- Don't do it.
- I can't do it.
Hey, I'll be the executive in charge of sitting on corners of desks, keeping the mood light.
Who needs a nickname? - How about you, Side Pony? - Hmm.
Doesn't somebody have to make them? Oh, yeah, you got to saw the wood, sand it, stain it, stick on the googly eyes just right Ew.
So you and you and you and you can do that.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- (school bell rings) Job well done.
I mean, my job.
You guys are just getting started.
Hey, there's a plate we don't need to wash.
Ha! I mean, we will.
We always do.
Eventually.
- Everything was so good.
- Aw, thank you.
Here you go.
No rush.
Uh, excuse me, did you say "no rush"? Yeah, whenever you're ready, hon.
- Well, then, I guess that would be - Yeah? - Never! - (Linda gasps) - A dine-and-dasher! Bob! - Oh, my God! - How big a check? - $7.
50 plus tip.
He liked me.
- There would have been a tip.
- That's Never mind.
I'm gonna get him.
- LINDA: Go! - Bob's chasing him.
Go, Bob, g Oh, Bob gave up.
Now he's walking back.
Now he's stopping to rest.
(out of breath): He got away.
It all happened so fast.
It happened kind of fast.
What, I should have caught him? He had a huge head start.
Maybe spend a little less time fooling with your apron.
I can't run with it on, Teddy.
Can't run so good with it off, either.
Well, someone else could have chased him, too, right? I was busy memorizing his face.
Ooh, what'd you get? I'll make a sketch.
Well, I was startled, so I didn't get much.
- Definitely two eyes.
- Okay.
- Uh, what about a nose? - Yeah, right in between the eyes - and down a little.
- Yeah, that checks out.
That's the guy I saw, too.
Oh, my God.
(sneezes) Wow, that sawdust really travels back into the old respiratory system.
(wheezing): But smooth.
Yeah, sawdust with a stain chaser.
At least there's no ventilation.
This job stinks.
Each smile I draw is a lie, a damn lie! Well, the first batch is done.
Now it's time to turn these Chucks into bucks.
Sales: the real work.
I'll take one.
- I want one, too.
- You're gonna live with me now.
- Take our money.
- You and I are great at this.
I know.
Wood Chucks making bucks Wood Chucks making bucks We're making Wood Chucks and we're making bucks Making bucks.
100 Wood Chucks sold.
Wow! And we all worked our B's off.
Yeah, like when Zeke brought in cupcakes for Jocelyn's birthday.
We worked overtime to finish eating them.
(laughs) Not really.
TINA: Hey, are there any Band-Aids over here? Oh, um, is something going on? We celebrated all our sales by investing our profits in a SodaSpurt thingy.
And we didn't want to invite I mean, um, disturb you guys 'cause you seemed really in the zone just making Wood Chucks.
Do you see spots in the zone? If you do, - then I'm definitely in the zone.
- Quick question.
- What's going on - (soda fizzes) - What - (soda fizzes) - What (groans) - (soda fizzes) - What Damn it, Jocelyn! - (soda fizzes) What? I'm trying to make it fizzy.
I was doing my job.
What's with these cubicles? You literally boxed us in back there.
TAMMY: We tried the open floor plan.
It just wasn't working.
We don't want to get sawdust in our soda.
Okay, it just feels like you're creating a division with these divisions.
I mean, it's nice not having to see Tammy anymore, but Oh, I'm sorry, it's hard to hear you from the other room.
I'm so sorry.
Boy, I really could use a (wheezing): dust mask.
(sighs) If every other class wasn't literally worse than a sweatshop, I'd transfer out of here so fast.
Mr.
Frond, do you think we could switch jobs soon? Oh, sure, Tina, we'll just switch jobs.
Like people never get stuck in the same job their whole career.
I'm gonna go talk to those guys.
This is ridiculous.
- Can I help you? - I need to see Jimmy Jr.
He's, like, super busy in a meeting or something.
Why don't you tell me what it is, and I will tell him.
Fine.
We need dust masks and Band-Aids and gloves and a timetable on when we'll be switching jobs.
So you're crabby.
Did I get it all? - (groans) - Hey! You bought snacks, too? No, just chips and chocolate-covered almonds and a second kind of chocolate-covered almonds.
Look, it seems like the sanders and stainers are doing all the frickin' work while management sits on their damn butts.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, language.
NSFW, girl.
Huh.
Maybe Tina has a point.
- We should take turns.
- What? Hold up.
- Tina, have an almond.
- I don't want an alm - Mmm.
So - And another.
- Mmm.
- One more.
Mmm.
Which kind is that? Let's take a walk.
You are raising some amazing points.
I hope someone's writing them down.
- I wrote them down.
- Oopsies.
Well, there that went.
So, maybe you could keep all your smarty ideas going as our new sander and stainer relations manager.
- Manager? - Mm-hmm.
You'd be in here.
TINA: This is kind of nice.
Have a seat.
The chair is an exercise ball.
- Whoa.
- (imitates buzzer) - Jocelyn, could you bring us two sodas? - JOCELYN: Okay! Did you just make a buzz sound with your voice? Mm-hmm, I did.
And so can you.
(imitates buzzer) - Feels good, right? - Yeah.
- Sodas.
- (Tammy slurping) Well, it's what's best for the company, right? (burps) Exactly.
(slurping) - I don't believe it.
- Me either.
An exercise ball for a desk chair? What's next? By the way, Rudy, thank you for letting me stand on you.
No problem.
(grunts) And my Scotch tape.
And, you know, this cat calendar is mine, but I think I'm gonna leave it.
Ugh.
You're one of them now, Tina.
You're a suit.
And not a fun, frisky suit, like something Ellen would wear.
Guys, this is a good thing.
I'm gonna be your eyes and ears over there, looking out for you.
Like, weren't you whining about something, Rudy? A dust mask.
It only sounded like whining because of my restricted windpipe.
Right, so I guess I'll be going next door now.
Unless, surprise good-bye party? Yes? No? - You've got to be kidding.
- Okay, then.
Let's all stay in touch.
You said "mouse pad.
" - Dust mask! - Right, right, right.
So, in conclusion, we're eating snacks faster than we're making Wood Chucks.
So, what I hear is we're doing our part.
Yeah, the sanders and stainers got to keep up with us.
Well, if some of us helped out over there - Whoa.
- Um -Do what? - Uh - I mean, not us.
- Obviously, we're slammed.
- So slammed.
Why don't they just make them faster? How long does it even take to make a dumb Wood Chuck? Um, like, 20 minutes? So, if we cut that to ten minutes, instead of one Chuck, they could make - Two? - Whoa, math.
I mean, they might have some rough edges, but it's better than nothing, right? Yeah, we're all a work in progress, right, J-Ju? - Get over here, come on.
- Aah.
You know, if we cut the ten minutes to Five minutes?! So, good talk.
I'm going to let you guys - get crack-a-lacking.
- (snaps fingers) I was ready to be annoyed, but that finger thing was cool.
I don't know if I can go any faster.
My little body is already breaking down.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
- Work harder.
- Half-ass it.
Oh-oh, half-ass it.
I don't know, that still sounds like a lot of ass.
So, quarter-ass it is.
Gonna throw just a little bit of my cheek in.
Ooh, quarter-assin' A little bit of the cheek, a little bit of the cheek Ooh, quarter-assin' A little bit of the cheek, a little bit of the cheek Ooh, quarter-assin' - A little bit of the cheek.
- (door bells jingle) Hey, guys, how was your day? How's Tweentrepreneurs? - I don't want to talk about it.
- (Gene grumbles) Great.
We're pushing a lot of units, making bank.
- How's Bob's Burgers? - Um, excuse me? Are you making bank? How many units are you pushing? Tell her you're pushing units.
Tell her you're making bank.
Tina, you're-you're not making sense right now.
I know, so business-y.
Let's go, Gene.
Smells like "entre-manure" in here.
- That was me, but also, yeah.
- (door bells jingle) Okay, Dad, you didn't ask, but here are five things you could do right now to improve your business.
- Smaller burgers.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Cook them ahead of time.
Keep them warm under a lamp.
- Mm-mm.
Mm.
- Raise prices.
- Maybe buy a comb? - Mm.
You getting this, Bob? You taking notes? Tina, you're sounding kind of like a business monster.
I wouldn't say business master, it's just common sense.
I-I said business monster.
Can we circle back on this next week? I've got to make some calls.
Also, the spinning made me nauseous.
Do you think she'd do our taxes? Wait, that customer in the booth over there.
I-Isn't that our dine-and-dasher? I don't think so.
Mm, yeah, he doesn't look much like my sketch.
Yeah, and this guy has a hat.
Well, anyone could put on a hat.
It takes time.
You got to find one that's flattering.
- It's not that hard.
- This guy, he thinks he looks good in any hat.
Anyway, we can't just accuse him if we don't know for sure.
That's true.
Uh, why don't you go over there and feel him out a little? - Be sly.
- You kidding? You're talking to Sly and the Family Stallone.
Hello! So, you look like a busy person.
- You ever eat on the run? - I'm sorry? You like Christmas carols? Dashing through the snow.
You like that one? The one about dashing? - She's great at this.
- Uh, is-is something the matter? All right, we had a dine-and-dasher the other day, and you look a little bit like him.
- The guy had a hat and everything? - No, no hat.
Oh, well, I can see why you'd be concerned.
(chuckles): But if it was me, I would have to be crazy to come back, right? I mean, uh, totally crazy.
(laughs) I'm sorry.
I guess you got one of those faces where you look like other people, like owls.
- (chuckles) - All owls look the same to me.
- Those big eyes.
- (chuckles) Oh, sure.
You know, it's fine.
Oh, hope you enjoyed your meal.
Here's your check.
- It's not him.
- Aah! - Okay, it's him.
- Damn it! Hi, guys.
Just popping in.
We couldn't finish these next door, so, naturally, I thought of you.
Oh really, Tina? A third of a muffin? (gasps) Thank you so much.
It's raisin something or other.
It's not good.
Anyway, we've had a ton of complaints about splinters, so I'm doing my best.
Any progress on my dust mask? Working on it, Rudy! What's it gonna take to get more work out of you guys? I've tried the carrot, I've tried the stick.
And you even tried carrot sticks.
- That was a dark day.
- I'm feeling dizzy.
Pull your shirt over your mouth and keep going, Rudy.
Oh, good idea.
Tina, you are this close to a walkout.
Yeah, except walking also sounds like too much work.
Where am I?! Everything looks like a Wood Chuck! You broke Rudy, Tina! Rudy, you're fine! Why is that Wood Chuck saying I'm fine?! That's it! We're out.
We're on strike.
Wait.
What? Hey, we-we-we can work this out.
I think I can get you guys, uh, SodaSpurt privileges.
Maybe-maybe not flavored, but-but still, uh, bubbles.
Put your bubbles in your butt! Come on, guys.
Fine! Where you gonna go with your skills? One of the other ten Wood Chuck factories in town? Oh, that's right.
We're the only one! Guys, nobody's buying Wood Chucks anymore.
I didn't make a sales chart, but if I did, it would go like this.
(sputtering) Yeah.
What happened to quality control? Instead of a cute smile, this one says "Tina's a butt.
" This isn't Wood Chuck! I wouldn't hang out with this! TINA: (exhales) Let's not sugarcoat it.
Wood Chuck is dead.
It's a greasy, googly patch on the road.
Dang.
Also, our entire labor force just quit.
But to keep snacks coming, we need product.
So we turn the page to Wood Chuck 2.
Everything kids loved about Wood Chuck 1 in a smaller package we don't even sand.
I've been working on it in secret.
I mean, it only took a minute, so it wasn't hard to not tell anyone.
Wood Chuck? More like Wood Yuck.
Doesn't matter.
It's new.
We say it's cool.
Best of all, it sells for half price.
How can we sell it for half price? By squeezing our suppliers.
EDITH: You got big ones, coming in here, demanding cut-rate googly eye prices.
Cajones! You're gonna do it, too, dying mom-and-pop shop, or I take my business to the craft superstore in Bog Harbor.
Yarn Barn? On the outside, it's shaped like a barn, but on the inside, it looks like a normal store.
It's ridiculous! - Well, can't wait to see it.
- Yeah, bye.
All right, fine, but if you want bulk prices, you take bulk quantity.
5,000 googlies, a hundred dollars, no returns! Gulp.
I mean, not gulp.
Confident.
Can we get them on credit? Depends.
Are you familiar with the concept of jacked-up interest rates? - No.
- Then sign here.
I don't know, Tina.
That's, like, a big risk on something I still wouldn't hang out with.
I believe in Wood Chuck 2.
I mean, I believe people will buy anything with a higher number than the model that came before it.
Huh.
Should we have called it Wood Chuck Gold Series? - In wood? - Ooh, I want that.
Mr.
Frond, hypothetically, what would happen if the Tweentrepreneurs had a really big googly eye bill they couldn't pay? You'd be bankrupt, which happens.
No shame.
- Oh, that's not so bad.
- You'd also get an "F", and "Terrible at business" would be placed - on your permanent record.
- Oh.
And you're not a real company, so you couldn't really declare bankruptcy, so you'd have to pay your bill - or be criminally liable.
- Oh, God! But, Tina, relax.
Your question was hypothetical.
Right.
Whoa.
Tina burned this crappy company to the ground.
Yeah, where did she go to school? Oh.
Where we do.
Darn it, Tina! It's your fault we're flunking.
Now I'll never get into the Ivan League.
Okay, okay, got a little distracted.
There were so many office birthday parties! Boy, I don't know what Edith and Harold are gonna do when you tell 'em you don't have their googly eye money.
I heard Edith put a knitting needle through a man's hand just because he didn't have exact change.
Well, maybe they'll be super cool about it? Yeah, I wouldn't count on that.
Ugh LINDA: It's not our fault we got double dined-and-dashed, Bob.
It's like fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, guess where the shame is now? Still you! I don't think that's how it goes.
- Hi there.
- Oh, my God.
Now this is chutzpah.
I'm going around the neighborhood as a courtesy.
My identical twin brother has been dining and dashing in restaurants all over town.
Your-your identical twin brother? Oh, yes Gary.
He's a bad seed.
And he makes life very difficult for me, the good seed.
How stupid do you think we are? Aw, it sounds like he's been here already.
He was.
You were! We're not buying your evil twin brother hooey.
Look, I was trying to do you a favor.
I'm not even here to eat, although - I am a little bit hungry.
- Aha.
Okay, I get it.
You don't want to serve me.
I'll tell you what.
I'll prepay.
Here's $20.
- What can go wrong, huh? - Okay.
That was amazing.
(laughs) - Let's settle up.
How much? - Seven dollars.
Great.
Let's throw a two-dollar tip on there.
So what does that make now? Nine? Okay, just give me, uh, nine back from that 20.
- Uh, uh, right.
- Nine from 20.
And seven, eight, nine, and we're good.
Wait.
I think we did that backwards.
Uh, I-I-I thought something was wrong.
(chuckling): Right, I was supposed to give you the nine.
Sorry.
You have my 20.
I have your nine.
You're not trying to scam me, are you? - (laughing): Nah, nah.
- (laughs) No, we're not.
Okay, wait, um, so I give you your nine, and you give me my 20.
Right.
No, I Sorry.
I got it.
Here we go.
Nine back to you, and now we're square.
- Okay.
- And bye.
- Hey, watch out for my brother.
- (chuckles) We will.
Ugh.
Imagine having a brother like that.
Seven, tip makes nine.
His 20, my my nine.
Damn it! He came in with 20, he left with 20, Lin.
- He got a free meal.
- (gasps) Both twins are evil.
Their poor mother.
So we've opened up this emergency meeting to everyone, even the kids from the other side of the cardboard.
There's probably a nicer way of saying that.
Oh, now we're invited to the meetings.
When the company's in the toilet and the snacks are gone.
The snacks are gone?! We got to do something fast.
We're up to our googly eyeballs in debt! - How bad is it? - That's pretty bad.
Oh, sorry, kids.
I didn't see you in here.
Now, how can we raise some cash from these horrible Wood Chucks? Louise, you want to kick things off with the perfect idea? Uh-uh.
You guys created this mess, not us.
I will, however, bless this mess.
You'll never unload these things.
You might as well try to sell the whole stupid company.
Yes, that's it! Unload the whole company on some unsuspecting fool.
Ugh! I didn't mean to give you a real idea.
- Ugh, but who? - Yeah.
Ha-ha.
Good luck finding your fool.
You think the streets are crawling with Teddys? - Aha! - No, I did it again! So what's this investment opportunity? - Spoiler alert.
I want in.
- Good.
I've never gotten in on the ground floor of anything.
I always chickened out.
Not this time.
Okay, this is our product.
Don't know what this is, and there's a big splinter in my hand.
Not gonna let that bother me.
By the way, we're not telling my mom and dad about you investing.
That raises red flags, like maybe I shouldn't be doing this.
But I'm gonna quash that feeling so I don't miss out.
- Let's do it.
- LOUISE: Ah, Tina.
- There you are.
- So you weren't going out - to look at the foliage.
- Teddy, don't invest; the company's a stinker.
(quietly): Go away, you guys.
Teddy, I'm warning you, you'd be wasting your money.
You got to waste money to make money.
- Teddy! - You're Bob's kid, and if your company is anything like Bob's Burgers, I know I'm getting in on something special.
So here's my hundred dollars.
(groaning) LOUISE: I think that's the sound of your soul leaving your body.
Teddy, I can't do it.
Louise is right.
The company is crap.
We make a dangerous, worthless product.
- Like shampoo.
- Companies have growing pains.
- Perfectly normal.
- Don't you get it? I was conning you.
I'm a business monster.
Wow.
I don't know what to say, except that kind of honesty I've never believed in you more than right now.
Take your money back, damn it! I'm just gonna give you more, Tina! Teddy did not want to take that money back.
We did what we had to do.
Then everybody was staring, like they'd never seen three kids holding a crying man down, shoving money in his pants.
I'm really sorry, guys.
I don't know what got into me before.
All I saw were dollar signs and snacks.
You flew too close to the Sun Chips.
You know, I think I'd rather be a good bad businessperson, like Dad, than a bad good businessperson.
Does that make sense? Is this one of those riddles where it turns out you're your own son? Gene, I-I think you sat on some googly eyes.
That's okay, I'm used to eyes on my butt.
Oh, my God, guys.
We never should have made Wood Chucks in the first place.
We should have made - Could Chucks.
- Do what Chucks? Yeah, I'm not fol I don't I'm not following this.
"Could Chucks," 'cause they could be anything.
Googly eyes can go anywhere.
Like Phone Chuck? Inhaler Chuck.
- Zeke Chuck.
- (laughs) We can sell them for 25 cents a pair, pay off our debt to Reflections, and still make a small profit.
Well, let's get to selling, people.
But there's one thing we got to do first.
- Tear down these walls! - Whoa, whoa.
But then it will look like you're as good as me.
Oh, you're still vice president, Tammy.
- Oh, phew.
- The rest of us are presidents.
What?! LINDA: So, you sold off all your googly eyes, paid off Edith and Harold, and broke even? - Yep.
- Aw.
I'm proud of my Tweentrepreneurs.
And Mr.
Frond gave us a B-minus.
Oh, my God, a B-minus? That's a Belcher A.
And I saved two googlies so I can put 'em on my bosom, and I can say, "My eyes are down here!" - (door bells jingle) - Hi.
It's me.
(gasps) Unbelievable.
- I-I know, I know.
- You see? This is why we need a net from the ceiling.
So when things like this happen, we could drop a net from the ceiling.
No, please.
I did it, I'm sorry.
But your food is so good.
I've never hit a place three times.
Honestly, it's a compliment.
You robbed us three times.
That's not a compliment.
Look, here's all the money I owe you, I just I want to be able to come here as a real customer.
(chuckles) You want to be a real customer? I'm tired of dashing, Bob.
Can we start over? (sighs) All right, ground rules.
You sit on this stool, away from the door - and cash register.
- You don't touch anything.
Louise and Gene are gonna duct tape your hands and your feet.
That seems fair.
No problem.
I don't even know what's happening, - but I love it.
- Pay first.
Push your wallet across the counter with your face.
And don't talk while we make change.
In fact, we're not even making change, it's all tip.
I say we do this for all our customers now.
We'll feed you your burger.
Hi, I'm Tina.
I'll be your feeder today.
Would you like me to pretend your food -is some sort of airplane or train? - Train, please.
TINA: You're a good businessman, Dad.
BOB: Thank you, Tina.
She's a business monster, a business monster Pushing units and making bank She's a business monster, a business monster Her cardboard office is totally swank She's pounding soda, living on snacks She'll talk about it later, she'll circle back She's a business monster, a business monster Walking around like her crap don't stank She's a business monster, a business monster.