Cheers s09e03 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Here you go.
Hey Something wrong? Yes, I'll say.
You didn't ask me if I needed anything else.
Do you see this roll of dollar bills here? Yeah.
This is your tip.
I've set it aside in advance.
Now here's the deal.
Every time you do something wrong, I take a dollar bill, see? That way, I get decent service.
Understood? Fair enough.
Here's my deal for you.
Every time you take away a dollar, I do this.
That just cost you another dollar.
There, you happy? Your tip money's all gone.
That's just great.
'Cause I just got my own.
So, uh, how long is your brother going to be in town? Two weeks.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Takin' a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see The troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
I would like to nominate as the stupidest creature on Earth the one who awakens each day to drive through gridlocked traffic, to sit in a windowless office breathing re-circulated air, then returns home and collapses into a stupor-- only to do the same damn thing all over again every day until he dies.
Looking forward to that vacation, eh, Fras? You bet.
We're going to Maui.
(Sam screaming) Still having problems with the computer, Sammy? No, I think I've figured out what to do.
Kiss your keyboard good-bye.
FRASIER: Sam! Sam, Sam, give me the bat.
Come sit down.
Now, I'm sure that Lilith would be delighted to help you with your computer.
She tells me she has quite an affinity for machines.
Naturally, you could have knocked me over with a feather.
What is it with these machines, anyway? Computers faxes, voice mail.
You know, when I ran this place in the old days, I had everything I needed right up here.
Brains, Sam? No, good hair.
Brains (scoffs) I'm serious, you know.
Good looks can open doors.
Good hair blows them off their hinges.
Sammy, what are you going to do about the computer? Rebecca's gonna come over here and fix it.
I just have to wait until she shows up.
What about the auto show, Sam? Don't you want to go see the new models? Ah, that's all right.
I know where they're staying, Woody.
Uh, Sammy, we're out of pretzels.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, we're out of pretzels.
I think that's what I meant when I said we were out of pretzels.
Sorry I was so cryptic before.
I don't understand this.
We were supposed to get a big shipment today.
I mean, I, ordered 20 bags from the distributor.
I even faxed it on Rebecca's stupid fax machine.
Oh, well.
"Oh, well"?! Sammy, there are those of us who need their pretzels.
What am I supposed to do, go down to the grocery store and buy you some? And get some Beer Nuts, too.
These are antiques.
You know, I have a yen for some Cheese Doodles.
CLIFF: Hey, uh, Sammy, while you're out there, will you pick me up some cough syrup? I've got a-- little tickle.
All right, fine.
I'm gonna do this once, you guys, but you gotta remember-- I'm supposed to be the boss around here, not your errand boy.
Feed my meter.
I've got those 20 bags of cement you ordered.
What 20 bags of cement? I ordered 20 bags of pretzels.
I faxed my order to Amalgamated Snack Foods.
Oh yeah, we often intercept their orders so we can push cement.
Maybe what happened is I faxed the wrong company.
That happens all the time.
So you'll take it back for me? Nope.
You still got to pay for it.
Good thing it happens all the time.
Here, sign here.
I'll get the rest of it.
I've got no time to do this.
I have more important things going on.
Thanks.
Woody, do something with this cement.
Sure thing, Sam.
Listen, while you're out, can you pick up some aggregate, a water trough, a shovel and a wheelbarrow.
Now, what am I going to build? All right, here you go, you clowns.
Cheese Doodles Beer Nuts, pretzels Uh, where's the cough syrup, Sam? Oh, I knew I forgot something.
Geez, Sammy, tickles just don't go away by themselves, you know.
I'm sorry.
Oh, man, I know it's going to get in my ears.
I just know it.
Sam, I believe I ordered Cheese Doodles-- not "Imitation Puffed Cheese" food.
So, I got the plain wrapped.
What's the difference? "Can also be used as packing material.
" See, it's efficient, too.
"Keep out of the reach of children.
" You know, Sammy, you shouldn't have to cut corners like this.
If you're having money problems, maybe we can help.
Come here, you guys.
Listen, you, you remember that raise I gave you guys a couple of weeks ago? How much does it really mean to you? More than my children's lives.
Okay, Carla gets to keep her raise.
What do you say, Wood? Well, I suppose I can put it off a couple of months, if it'll help.
Aw, yeah, thanks, man, you're a brick.
In return for this concession, I think the group medical plan should be expanded to include dental.
I'm just barely keeping my head above water here.
What are you doing to me? You're acting like selfish, greedy leeches.
Well, why should we work here then, huh? Because we're family, honey.
Why is everybody treating me like I'm the biggest jerk on Earth? Don't worry about that, Sammy, okay? You're the owner here.
You have responsibilities.
If they can't handle that, that's their problem.
Yeah, thanks.
Can I have another beer, please? I can't run a tab anymore.
I'm going to have to take cash on this.
Or maybe you are the biggest jerk on Earth.
Maybe you are! Fine, you know, just fine.
What do you guys want from me, huh? Free medical plans-- raises all around.
How about free beer and all the pretzels you can eat? Can I get you anything else? Can we have "fondue night"? No.
Not everybody likes fondue.
Hi.
Hi, Miss Howe.
Oh, Woody, you don't work for me anymore.
You don't need to call me "Miss Howe.
" Just call me Rebecca.
Oh, hi, Rebecca.
(chuckles) "Rebecca," I kind of like that.
What do you think, Norm? Now, now, Woody.
Come on.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Peterson.
It's just not me, Miss Howe.
Oh, great, there you are.
I can't stay long.
I only have a few minutes.
What's wrong with the computer? Oh, nothing, really.
I just can't get those little green letters to pop up on the screen.
Well, did you try booting it up? Yeah, I did plenty of that.
Sam, you can call me stupid, but I think if Miss Howe was still around here, she could take care of all this technical stuff.
You're stupid.
I said Sam could call me stupid, not you.
I don't know if that's a good idea, Woody.
I said you could call me stupid, not my idea.
Doesn't anybody listen around here? You don't think I don't want Rebecca back here managing the bar? I'd love it, man, but she quit, she's never gonna come back here.
Well, Sam, you'll never know unless you offer her the job.
Yeah, hey, how would you guys feel about Rebecca managing this place again? Well, would it raise the price of beer? No.
Then what do we care? All right, that's a good idea.
I'll offer her the job.
Oh, good.
Did you find out what was wrong? Yeah, the disk was in backwards and the keyboard connection was loose.
Also, you had picked it up and thrown it on the ground.
Wow, Rebecca, you are so great.
You've got this real knack for managing.
What, what are you doing for the rest of the day? What are you doing for the rest of the week? I'm going to work.
You got a job? Yeah, didn't I tell you guys? Yeah, and it could turn out to be something real exciting.
Oh, wow, what're you doing? Well, I'm in public relations now.
Good for you.
REBECCA: Yeah.
I mean, it doesn't mean I'll never see you guys.
I can still come in here as a customer.
Of course, with work and all, I mean, I can't stay for ten, 12 hours at a stretch like you guys.
Well, that's okay, you could be in the part-timers club.
They sit over there.
And when you're ready to commit, you'll let us know.
Yeah.
Like Phil there-- he's right on the verge.
Well, I'd better get back.
I've already been gone ten minutes.
Ten minutes-- she'll never make the cut.
Bye-bye.
You know, it would've been nice to have her back in the bar.
Come to think of it, you know, how much work would there be for her really to do? I mean, do I really need a manager? I've got a truckload of sorghum for a Sam Malone.
I didn't say I wanted sorghum.
I said I wanted "some more gum.
" God, I hate voice mail.
It's not my problem.
Uh Where do you want me to put this? I don't know.
What is sorghum, anyway? Oh, it's grain, Sam.
It's used to feed livestock.
So, if I put it in a bowl, would those guys eat it? Are you kidding? I was late putting out the Beer Nuts last night and Mr.
Peterson almost snapped off my thumb.
Fill 'em up.
Woody, this new trail mix is great.
Yeah.
Yeah, slide another bowl down, please.
You might want to mix a raw egg in there, Mr.
Peterson.
Makes your coat nice and shiny.
What? (laughing): Oh, nothing.
Hey, guys, listen up here for a second.
I want you to meet someone here.
It's your new manager-- this is Earl.
Hey, Earl.
Hi, Earl.
Earl used to play shortstop for the Cubs.
All right one of us, huh? You guys from Chicago? No.
They're all losers.
(sneezes) Boy, that sounds like a nasty cold you've got there, son.
And still you're out there delivering the mail? I've got a lot of respect for you guys.
Sammy, give this guy a raise.
Earl, get out from behind there.
Come on, have a seat.
Oh, don't sit me down at a bar.
I'll never get up.
Ah It's either that or go home to the wife, and God knows I hate to do that.
Do you have the other half of this amulet? Looks like you've found a home here, Earl.
Oh, well, thanks, Sam.
Why don't you find me an apron and I'll get started here? Holy moly! The man handles computers, he tends bar Anything you need me for, son.
Whoa! Would you What? What? catch a look at that babe there? Where are you? Where are you? In the poolroom, kind of behind that pole.
Whoo! Boy, you do have good eyes.
You sure you played with the Cubs? Well, guys, I I hope I do as well as your last manager.
You're probably going to want to set your sights a wee bit higher.
Come on, guys, guys, guys.
Rebecca's doing great.
Our old manager moved on to bigger and better things.
Nothing can hurt a car treated with Miracle Buff.
Absolutely nothing.
Watch me pour acid on this car, and wipe it right off! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! REBECCA: That's right.
Nothing can penetrate the mirror-like luster of Miracle Buff.
Not even fire.
(panting) You people are just going to have to take my word for it this time, okay? Ladies and gentlemen, I have to take a break now, but our next demonstration will be in one minute?! I just get so afraid up there.
We're afraid for you.
But that's what makes the auto show so exciting.
Hey, huh? Is this great to cut out from work like this? Yeah.
With Earl at the bar, you know, we can stay here all day.
Oh, Sam, check it out! Sheepskin covers! What are you doing, man? Why are you buying all this vinyl cleaner, leather cleaner? I mean, sheepskin? You don't even have a car.
I know, Sam, but most of my furniture comes from the interior of cars.
I've got to be careful when I shave because objects may be closer than they appear.
REBECCA: Ladies and gentlemen, the next Miracle Buff demonstration will commence in ten seconds.
Oh, my God! Look at that.
That's Rebecca.
She's working the auto show.
Oh, wow! She does have a great job.
She's Miss Miracle Buff.
SAM: I don't think she'd want us to see her like this.
Just keep out of sight.
Miracle Buff, the amazing discovery that will make your car's finish last a lifetime.
For safety reasons, we can't actually simulate a nuclear blast, but we have already shown that acid and fire are no match for Miracle Buff.
Unlike human skin.
Sam, I don't think I can keep up this pace.
I'm still dizzy from being knocked in the face from that airbag demonstration.
I think I'm going to go over to the RVs and lie down.
REBECCA: Now, you're probably all saying to yourself, "Hey, Miss Miracle Buff, would the same thing apply to" Boiling tar?! No way! No.
Forget it.
Then you get me some oven mitts.
He won't even give me any oven mitts.
I am making a lousy six bucks an hour.
I mean, that will not even cover the skin grafts! I'm not doing this anymore.
This is it! You're not getting paid for this.
Look, buddy, I am carrying a boiling bucket of tar! It's okay.
It's all right.
It's okay.
Oh, Sam, could this all be a bad dream? No, honey.
This is the auto show.
My friends! Thanks to my buddy Earl's amazing cold remedy, you are looking at the picture of perfect health.
Every sinus cavity in my head is clear and dry.
Well, not dry, but moist enough to be comfortable.
Glad you're feeling better, Cliffy.
Eh! Thank you.
Did this, uh particular cold Did this start out with a funny taste up in the back of your mouth? Uh-oh! The old acid in the adenoids.
Scratchy throat? Yucky coating on the tongue? Sounds like an epidemic.
My friends, I don't want to be an alarmist, but tonight-- if you live through it-- is going to be the worst night in your entire lives.
First, the cold sweats, the pounding headache Cliff, I don't want to hear this.
Don't worry, Norm.
In a few hours, your ears will be so clogged you won't be able to hear anything.
Look, Clavin, you gave us this cold, and I'm going to get you for it.
You're not going to know when, but I'll be there.
Don't worry, Carla.
I'll know when.
I'll hear your liquid-filled lungs wheezing a mile away.
Hey, hey, everybody! CARLA AND NORM: Hey, Earl.
Hey! Norm, do me a favor, will you? Let me know how this tastes.
It's great.
What did you do? Well, I adjusted the pressure in the kegs, and then I cleaned out all the lines.
Earl, how do you like the sound of this? Mrs.
Earl Peterson.
Come on.
Think about it.
Come on.
I don't know why you guys are falling all over yourselves about this Earl.
So he's a nice guy.
Big deal.
Uh Carla, excuse me.
I noticed you've been carrying your tray a little low.
Are are your shoulders tense? Let me just if you don't mind let me just Oh! Oh! That is the best I have ever felt without ending up with a baby.
It wasn't just the acid, Sam.
It was the fire, and the simulated hailstorm, and the live pigeons.
I rubbed and I rubbed and I rubbed and I rubbed.
Come on, Miss Howe.
The auto show couldn't have been that bad.
Woody, I don't have any fingerprints left! Sit in here and calm down.
Rebecca was working at the auto show? Yeah.
She was Miss Miracle Buff.
Don't let the fancy title fool you.
She was pitching snake oil like a sideshow geek.
Woody? What did she do? Well, as near as I could tell, everything but bite the head off a live chicken.
Of course, we got there late.
It's an indestructible space-age polymer, Sam, and it's in my hair.
Why didn't you come to us? I mean, come on.
The auto show? Because I was ashamed, and I really wanted to find a good job.
Oh, honey, I know, I know.
It's just that no corporation will hire me because of my involvement with Robin.
I mean, it was either that or or selling myself on the street.
All right, so I made the wrong choice.
Listen.
Uh whatever, you know? You've got a job here managing, if you want.
I do? Yeah.
Oh, Sam, thank you.
I'll do a great job for you.
jolly good fellow, for Earl's a jolly good fellow For Earl's a jolly good fellow Shoot! I forgot about Earl.
Who is Earl? A jolly good fellow.
Oh, I know that, Sam.
He's working here now.
He's, uh he's a real nice guy.
We all got close to him real fast.
He's like a father figure to all of us.
Are-Are you sure you gave the auto show a chance? Sam! Kid, you've got the job.
You've got the job.
This is swell.
And, you know, I bet I'll grow to love Earl just as much as everybody else does.
Hmm So what do you want me to do first? Fire Earl.
NORM: You fired Earl! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Sam, did you send this poor little lady out here to fire me? No.
All right, I could never lie to you, Earl.
Yes.
Yes.
But don't you see? Rebecca's our friend, and she needs the job, and I can't afford to hire both of you.
I'm sure you can go out and get a job someplace.
Well, of course I can, Sam.
I just wish you had told me to my face instead of handling it this way.
I'm I'm a little disappointed in you.
Please don't say that.
I'm more than happy to step aside.
I understand the importance of loyalty.
You know, I always believe that the only way to run a business or a friendship or, hell, a life, is through loyalty and commitment to other people.
Gee, that's just what my father always used to say.
Ah.
Your father was right, missy.
Hey, why don't you pick up a phone and give him a call? Well, so long, everybody.
Bye! Bye, Earl! Good-bye! Well, back to work.
Sammy, that was Earl that just walked out of here! (all yelling) I know, I know that, I but I had to hire Rebecca back.
Come on, she's our friend.
I can't afford both of them.
Don't you see? I mean, I had to go with the personal decision here.
I'm sorry.
I just hope you can live with it.
NORM: Wait, wait.
Sam! Sam! One question.
What? Is this going to raise the price of beer? No.
Then what do we care? Welcome back, Rebecca.
For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow Shut up! I can't hear Daddy!