Frasier s09e03 Episode Script

[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh, thanks.
- Hey, Dad.
Hello.
Hey, boy, you miss me, huh? So how was your trip, Mr.
Crane? Oh, the hunting was awful.
Didn't bag a damn thing.
Duke and I sat there for two days just waiting for something to happen.
Like when Frasier took me to see Nicholas Nickleby.
Thank God this time I had a gun.
Dinner is almost ready.
Shall I set you a place or would it make you feel better to shoot your eggplant? [DOOR OPENING.]
Ugh.
Dad, what have I told you about bivouacking in the entryway? I'm sorry.
Well, how was your hunting trip? - Uh, came home empty-handed.
FRASIER: Oh, dear.
That means the next several weeks we'll hear you grouse about the grouse, and carp about the carp.
- Been working on that, haven't you? - Well, there was traffic, yeah.
[TIMER DINGS.]
Uh, Daphne, I have to take the roast out.
I need the recipe for the glaze.
Could you get it? It's in my briefcase in the burnt-sienna-coloured folder.
No problem.
Brown.
But don't tell anyone I know that.
- Sorry to hear your trip was a bust.
- Oh, it's all right.
It wasn't so bad.
You know, the worst day of hunting still beats the best day of working.
You don't work either.
You don't think it's work talking to you? Duke, on the other hand, is a lot of fun.
You know, he can fit 27 marshmallows into his mouth at one time.
[CRICKET CHIRPS NEARBY.]
- What was that? - What was what? [CRICKET CHIRPS.]
- That.
That's a cricket.
- How'd that get in here? It must have stowed away.
Get rid of it.
Oh, don't worry, Eddie will take care of it.
Terriers are born hunters.
Go get him, boy.
- So this woman is in love with you.
- What? Heather Murphy.
It says right here she's obsessed with you.
Oh, wrong file.
You're not supposed to look at that.
Yeah, I can see why.
And when were you planning on telling me about this? Um, never.
Give me this.
These are session notes.
They're confidential.
But she is in love with you? First of all, I can't discuss the woman in this file, which, by the way, is clearly umber and not burnt sienna.
I can tell you that it's very common for patients to displace feelings they have for someone else onto their psychiatrist.
It's called transference.
So even if a patient thinks she might be in love with me, she really isn't.
And usually those feelings disappear as therapy progresses.
- Okay? - Okay.
So how did she tell you? Did she come on to you? Did she try and kiss you? I can't tell you.
All right, I understand.
Your little secret.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Just blink, once for yes and twice for no.
- I think it's coming from in here.
- What? - Dad has brought home a cricket.
- A cricket? Get behind me, Daphne.
Everybody, freeze.
Don't move a muscle.
Well, I hope that cricket saw what I just did to this toasted almond.
I tell you, Roz, it was the worst night of my life.
Just as I'd begin to doze off, the cricket would start stridulating again.
Do you have an idea what it's like to be awakened intermittently throughout a night? I have a 3-year-old.
I can't remember the last time I slept through a night.
Yes, of course, but this constant chirping and chirping, over and over.
- Really, you can't imagine it.
- Really? Did the cricket crawl into bed with you? Did the cricket throw up on you? Gee, I wish I had a 3-year-old so I could win every argument.
ROZ: Hey, Daphne.
- Hey, Roz.
- Oh, hi, Daph.
- Dr.
Crane.
Oh, that scone looks good.
Yes, well, it's all right.
They call it Nervosa Berry, but I'm convinced it's just yesterday's banana.
I have half a mind to have a discussion about it.
You should.
So, what do you know about transference? Well, more than most.
Is it true that patients can actually fall in love with their therapist? Oh, yes, yes.
As a matter of fact, it's quite common.
You see, in a therapeutic setting, a doctor's empathy can be misconstrued as romantic interest, especially when the patient is of a particularly vulnerable nature.
But therapists never return those feelings, right? Well, they're not supposed to.
But it does happen.
Ahh.
Well, I mean, think about it, really.
I mean, we are human.
Transference can be very, very powerful.
I remember back in my days of private practise, ah, I did have my share of female adulation.
Oh, my God.
Were you able to cure them? I'm not a miracle worker, Roz.
- Do you smell bananas? - I knew it.
You smell it too.
Excuse me, this day-old scone is fooling no one.
Don't you walk away from me.
Don't you dare walk away from me.
- Okay, so who is she? - Who's who? Niles' patient.
All right.
I saw one of his files by mistake.
The woman is madly in love with him.
- So who is she? - Her name is Heather Murphy.
Heather, huh? That's trouble.
What else do you know? Well, that's it.
I only got a quick look at the file.
- So, what are you gonna do? - Nothing.
Niles said he can't talk about his patients, so, what choice do I have? I should trust him.
If I found out some babe was after my guy, I would have to know everything about her: What she looks like, her profession, what she's being treated for.
- Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
- What if she's a sex addict? You can be treated for that? So they say.
[CRICKET CHIRPS.]
- Damn it.
- Oh, jeez, you still at it? Why don't you go to your room? You won't even hear the thing if you close your door.
Close my door? And just concede defeat.
I know, here's a better idea: I'll move out and let him have the run of the place.
That's good.
I'll have two apartments.
One for me, one for my cricket.
I tried closing my door.
I could still hear it.
[CRICKET CHIRPS.]
Dear God, can't you make him shut up? That prayer doesn't get answered around here.
This is your fault.
You're the one who brought him here.
What's the big deal? If you were paying to stay in some country inn, - you'd be loving the sound of crickets.
- And a babbling brook too.
But that doesn't mean I want one surging through my condo.
- I'm calling an exterminator.
- No.
You can't do that.
The chemicals are too dangerous for Eddie.
Fine.
You have 24 hours to get that intruder out of here, or I'm calling, Eddie or no Eddie.
[CRICKET CHIRPS.]
It taunts me.
So how was your day? Fine.
Thank you.
- Why don't you tell me about it? - What do you mean? You know, couples come home, they talk about their day.
Why don't you ever want to share? Well, I suppose I'm not used to it.
Maris always needed silence to cope with her chronic migraines.
Mel couldn't talk.
She'd be wearing the moulds from her teeth-bleaching kit.
Well, I'm interested.
Why don't you tell me something about your day? Okay.
Let me think.
I saw the best pair of driving gloves.
That's good.
Anything else? I had a Cobb salad for lunch.
You're right, that was fun.
Okay, I'm going to go brush my teeth.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Julia Roberts just signed on for $20 million to play a woman who falls in love with her psychiatrist.
Of course, she gets him in the end.
Sound familiar, Daphne? Look in the briefcase.
I know I would.
And now let's hit the beach [SIGHS.]
[NILES HUMMING.]
- Oh, thank God.
- What? - I missed you.
- Mm.
I missed you too.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
- Oh, my beeper's going off.
- Let's see what we can do about that.
Oh.
It could be an emergency.
Ha, ha.
- Who is it? - Oh, uh, it's a patient.
That woman? I really can't talk about it, Daphne.
I'm sorry, I may be a while.
You sleeping? I was trying to.
I'm attempting to rearrange my schedule.
Apparently His Royal Chirpiness is nocturnal, so I have to be as well.
I got the answer to the problem right here in this box.
What, we couldn't squash him with the shoes we already own? Not shoes.
Eddie's vet told me to get a gecko.
It's a cricket predator.
You know, like you get ladybugs to eat aphids, if somebody would let me grow tomatoes on the terrace.
Dad, I told you, it's a condo board regulation.
No fruiting plants.
Whatever.
Anyway, just give me a half an hour, and I'll have that pesky cricket out of the kitchen and inside this gecko.
I see.
So we set a lizard loose to catch the cricket.
Then what? We get an owl to eat the gecko? Then we get a tiger to eat the owl? What eats the tiger, Dad? Tell me that.
- An alligator, for one, smart guy.
- Oh.
But that's not gonna happen, and you know why? Because we put a little harness on the gecko so it doesn't run away.
[FRASIER GROANS.]
This just gets better and better.
Thought I had some twine here.
Well, I used it to stabilise a veal shank.
Why don't you just make a little harness out of, uh, dental floss? Hey, that's not bad.
I wasn't serious.
Not my cinnamon waxed.
[ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE.]
I changed my mind.
I can't go through with this.
You have to, Daphne.
You know you're not gonna sleep until you see what Heather looks like.
I thought I'd feel better once I got a look at her file.
Instead, I feel worse.
She's successful, well-travelled, well-educated.
- What if she's gorgeous too? - You've got this built up in your head.
Once you see her, you'll know what you're up against.
- I suppose.
But if we get caught? - We lie.
- I'm a terrible liar.
- Listen.
Lying is all about confidence.
As long as you're confident, people will believe anything you tell them.
Are you sure? Frasier thinks I'm at the copy machine right now.
Excuse me, we're looking for Heather Murphy.
- This is her office.
And you are? - Her 2:00.
- I don't have anything on the books.
- This is unbelievable.
Make a note.
Re-evaluate all scheduling procedures, cc all department heads.
Heather will be back in five, if you want to wait.
Oh, we'll wait.
In the meantime, two coffees.
Cream and sugar.
Think you can handle that? - Yes.
- We'll be in her office.
Let's go.
ROZ [SHOUTING.]
: Now! You know, I think coffee might make me more nervous.
We're not gonna drink it.
I'm just trying to buy some time so we can look around.
She's gotta be in one of these pictures somewhere.
There's a lot of people there.
Which one do you suppose she is? I think it's the one that looks like her.
HEATHER: Excuse me.
Can I help you? We flew in from Corporate for a meeting which the geniuses in your department managed to screw up.
I don't what kind of monkey business is going on around here, but we are this close to shutting this entire branch down.
How could you fly in from Corporate? Corporate's downstairs.
I'm calling Security.
Who are you? Who am I? Who am I? [SHOUTING.]
Just run! It's asleep, Dad.
No, it's not.
Really? He hasn't twitched his tail for two minutes.
That's because he's lulling him into a false sense of security.
The most dangerous part of a gecko is its mind.
What are you talking about? A gecko's brain is like this big.
But a cricket's brain is only this big.
All right, fine, where were we? Ann-Margret.
You cannot just blurt out Ann-Margret like that.
I'm sorry.
We can only take 10 women to Love Island, all right? Gotta put a little thought into this.
Tell you who makes my list.
That dark-haired temptress that works at the bookstore.
- Lisa.
- You know her name? Are you kidding? All this time you've been going there, I thought you belonged to a book club.
Oh, there's a club, all right.
You know, she got a belly ring last week.
That's fantastic.
Here.
Hold onto this for a minute, will you, while I grab a beer.
Sure.
Ooh, Dad, he's making his move.
I can feel him.
- Oh.
All right.
Give him a little play.
- Right.
I'm doing it.
- All right, a little more.
A little more.
- Right.
[CRICKET CHIRPS.]
- He got him.
Reel him in.
- Right.
Right.
Not too fast, now.
Not too fast.
You don't want to tug at it.
I can't believe this worked.
That was amazing.
- Oh, great work, buddy.
- Oh, thanks, Dad.
- I meant the gecko.
- Yes, yes, of course.
- Good job.
Well done.
- Will you be using this floss anymore? - I think we'll let him keep it, all right? - Okay.
There we go.
In you go, little man.
Congratulations.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Well, that's it.
Yep.
Cricket's dead.
Gosh, even though I am savouring the newfound silence, I sort of miss the excitement of the hunt.
MARTIN: Yeah.
Well, all right.
You know, Dad, were you aware that the male cricket chirps in order to attract the female cricket? Oh, that cricket was doing an awful lot of chirping.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - There might be another cricket.
There might be more than one.
I'd hate to go to bed and have to get up again.
Probably we should just play it safe.
- Release the gecko.
- Yes.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Well, this is an unexpected treat.
Niles, I have something to tell you.
Is it that I'm the sexiest man you've ever known? No.
I mean, yes, you are.
Yes, but that's not why I'm here.
- Something wrong? - Well, sort of.
It's about Heather Murphy.
Daphne, I have told you, I cannot talk about my patients.
You don't have to.
I found out by myself.
Did you look in my briefcase? - You read her file? - I know, I know.
It's bad.
Those files are confidential.
How could you? Look, before you get going, you should probably know No, there's no excuse.
That is the worst thing you could have done.
You would think so.
What else did you do? I went down to her office to see what she looks like.
But She never found out who I was or why I was there.
I know it doesn't make it okay, but I was just so worried and I had to find out who she was and I'm so sorry.
I feel so ashamed.
It was all Roz's idea.
Look, I know you're angry, but please say something.
- Angry doesn't begin to describe it.
- Niles You have violated this person's privacy.
If she found out, they could suspend my licence.
I am so sorry.
And you don't trust me.
How could you possibly think there could be somebody else? Because I was somebody else.
What? You were married to two other women while you claimed to have been in love with me.
Well, now that we're together, how can I be sure, really sure, that there won't ever be another somebody else? Because I would never Ugh.
Because this time it's different.
Our love is different.
It's not based on somebody's expectations or anything I'm supposed to be.
When I was with Maris or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you.
Going about my day, or even when I was in a session, I found myself thinking about you.
Well, now we're together.
I find myself thinking about you.
It's not going to stop.
I'm still mad at you.
I know.