Seinfeld s09e03 Episode Script

I got no legroom back here.
Move your seat forward.
It's as far as it goes.
There's a mechanism.
You just pull it and throw your body weight.
I pulled it, it doesn't go.
If you want the legroom, say you want the room.
Don't blame the mechanism.
All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house.
Sit sideways.
Like an animal.
Because of her, I have to sit like an animal.
Serenity now! Serenity now! What is that? Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette.
When my blood pressure gets too high the man on the tape tells me to say, "Serenity now.
" Are you supposed to yell it? The man on the tape wasn't specific.
What happened to the screen door? It blew off again? I told you to fix that thing.
Serenity now! I told Bobby and Lisa we'd try that new Chinese-Spanish place on Saturday.
Thought we had tickets to the Knicks home opener.
Well, I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away.
What? All right, fine.
Are you mad at me? No, I love a good Chinese-Spanish whatever it is.
You know, I've never seen you mad.
I get peeved.
- Mad.
- Miffed.
- Mad.
- Irked? I would like to see you get really mad.
Why does she want you to be mad? She says I suppress my emotions.
So, what do you care what she thinks? Good body.
She probably gets that impression because you're cool.
You're under control.
Like me.
Nothing wrong with that.
But I get upset.
I've yelled.
You've heard me yell.
Not really.
Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch.
Hey.
Kramer, I am so sick of you coming in here and eating all of my food.
Now, shut that door and get the hell out of here.
What is that, a new bit? I told you.
Any of you wanna come and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens? Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx.
- I'll do it.
- Really, you wanna come? Yeah, I love going to the country.
- Where are they going? - Fix a screen door in Queens.
That's funny.
Hey, listen, what are you doing Saturday? Not going to the Knick game.
I need somebody to go with me to Mr.
Lippman's son's bar mitzvah.
You know, if you don't bring a guest, they save on catering.
- Should be able to buy a cheaper gift.
- Oh, I don't think that's possible.
And get a little closer because I can't see the screen door.
Yeah.
- Perfect.
- Dad, the hinges are all rusted here.
That's why the wind keeps blowing the door off.
I hate that old door.
Throw it out! Serenity now.
Might be time to just let her go, Frank.
She's worked hard for you.
- Will you put her to rest for me? - Oh, yeah.
- I'll take good care of her.
- Okay.
And get George to put those boxes in the garage.
- Dad, what is all this? - It's junk.
My computers.
I've been selling them for two months now.
Shut up.
You're selling computers? Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV.
It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus.
I did a little reading and I realized it wasn't that far-fetched.
Dad, do you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM? Yes, I do.
That's why I've got a secret weapon.
My son.
Damn it, they gave me cream.
I asked for nonfat milk.
I think they have one percent over there.
One percent? They can kiss one percent of my ass.
Okay, Jerry, enough.
I'm not buying it.
You're damn right you're not buying it.
You shouldn't have to try.
It's just being open.
I'm open.
There's just nothing in there.
- Oh, you think I'm lying? - I think you are.
- Well, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Liar.
- Oh, stop it.
- Okay, liar.
That's enough.
That was good.
Really? It felt good.
Congratulations, Mr.
Lippman.
Oh, Elaine.
My boy's a man today.
Can you believe it? - He's a man.
- Oh, congratulations, Adam.
I'm a man.
- Tongue? - Yeah.
I didn't try that till I was 23.
Well, this kid's not just a man, he's a man's man.
And I think he's been telling his friends.
I got invitations to six more bar mitzvahs.
Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.
No.
No.
No.
I do not wanna stop over in Cincinnati.
Well, then you upgrade me.
That's right, you should thank me.
Goodbye.
Hey, I'm flying first class.
Where did that come from? Patty showed me how to get mad.
You got a problem with that? - No.
- Good.
All right, relax, tough guy.
I gotta get out to my father's garage.
Help him sell computers.
The two of you working in that garage is like a steel-cage death match.
- Kramer? - Yeah.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door.
This beauty has got a little life in her yet.
What do you need it for? The cool evening breezes of Anytown, U.
S.
A.
See how this baby closes.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Morning, Ma.
- You're late.
- Morning, Dad.
- I'm not Dad in the work place.
My professional name is Mr.
Costanza and I will refer to you as Costanza.
- Morning, Braun.
- Hey, George.
Two cream, no sugar.
What is Lloyd Braun doing here? - Your mother recommended him.
- Yeah, of course she did.
All I ever heard growing up is: "Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?" You know he was in a mental institution? I didn't read his résumé.
Another sale, Mr.
Costanza.
Chalk me up on the big board.
- What is this? - This is your lagging.
- Good work, Braun.
- Good for you, Lloyd.
So, Adam, I just talked to your father and apology accepted.
I'm not apologizing.
It was great.
I told everyone.
Yeah, I know.
By the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I'll be unable to attend this Saturday? Are you free Friday night? I am, but that is not the point.
You are 13 and I am in my early 20s.
But I'm a man.
The rabbi said so.
No, you are not a man.
It takes a long time to become a man.
I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.
Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham.
First he said I was gonna get great gifts and then somebody gives me Boggle.
- I renounce my religion.
- Who wants cookies? As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish.
I quit.
Walnuts.
You're late again, Costanza, so listen up.
Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest.
The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik.
You're not giving away our Waterpik! Serenity now.
You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit.
I guess your mother was right.
You never could compete with Lloyd Braun.
You want to sell computers? I will show you how to sell computers.
Hello, Mr.
Finerman.
You wanna buy a computer? No? Why not? All right, I see.
Good answer.
Thank you.
Serenity now! Adam, you don't become a man overnight.
Look at your father.
It takes time, patience, experience several careers of varying success.
These are things that I look for in a man.
Well, that does me a lot of good.
"Early 20s.
" Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.
So that's the type of guy you're looking for? I guess so.
Why? - What is this? - Anytown, U.
S.
A.
Hello.
Is Kramer home? Oh, hey.
Hello, neighbor.
Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely.
Oh, you gotta mulch.
You've got to.
- You barbecuing tonight? - Right after the fireworks.
So where do you wanna eat tonight? How about going back to La Caridad? Again? How much flan can a person eat? Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon.
Well, I don't think more flan is the answer.
- Maybe I should just leave.
- Maybe? - Goodbye.
- Double goodbye.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, happy New Year.
Y'all come back real - Did you and Patty just break up? - Yeah.
In fact, she broke up with me.
And I don't wanna talk about it.
Then you're free tonight.
I heard about this great place called La Caridad.
That's the last thing she said to me.
She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood.
- Oh, what is the matter? - It's Patty.
Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.
What is this salty discharge? Oh, my God, you're crying.
This is horrible.
I care.
Patty won't call me back.
I don't know if I can live without her.
She's really gotten to you, hasn't she? - I don't know what's happening to me.
- It's simple.
You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it.
It's like Endora's box.
That was the mother on Bewitched.
You mean Pandora.
Yeah, well, she had one too.
Jerry, can I talk to you for a minute? That's it.
That's it, I warned you kids.
I told you not to play in front of my house.
This time, I'm keeping it.
And you're not getting your rock back either.
Hall urchins.
Are you still down in the dumps? Come on, it's just a chick.
You ever heard of a little thing called feelings? Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up.
A computer.
You could check porn and stock quotes.
Porn quotes.
I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George.
I ever tell you how much I love you? - What? - I love you, George.
- Come here.
- I'm already here.
I'm here.
I'm here.
You know what, if you want a computer, call me.
I gotta go.
Go wherever you want, I'm still gonna love you.
Look what they did.
Look what they did to my house.
I turn my back for two seconds and they put shaving cream all over the door.
Yeah, I see you! I'm gonna teach these kids a lesson.
Where's that hose I put under your sink? Hose under my sink.
I love you, Kramer.
- I love you too.
And George - I don't wanna hear it.
When I give you the signal, turn this water on full blast.
- Signal? What signal? - I don't know, I'll yell hoochie mama.
All right, if I do it, will you buy a computer? On the signal, George.
On the signal.
Only if you buy.
I gotta make a sale.
- I love you, Costanza.
- Will you shut up? Now, George! Turn on the faucet.
George, turn on the faucet.
Hoochie mama.
Hoochie mama.
Hoochie mama.
So, now, the other Lippman kissed me.
Oh, sure.
They're Jewish and you're a shiksa.
- What? - It means non-Jewish woman.
I know what it means.
But what does being a shiksa have to do with it? You've got shiks-appeal.
Jewish men love a woman that's not like their mother.
- Oh, that's insane.
- I'll tell you what's insane.
The price that I could get you on a new desktop computer.
- I am not buying a computer from you.
- There's porn.
Even so.
Don't get me wrong, Mr.
Lippman.
I'm very flattered that you found me attractive enough to lunge at me.
But the only reason you like me is because I'm a shiksa.
That's simply not true.
If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested.
- You are wrong.
I'll prove it.
- Oh, no, don't.
I renounce Judaism.
What happened to you, pal? Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids they ambushed me with a box of Grade A's.
- Are you all right? - Oh, no, I'm fine.
Fine.
Serenity now.
Serenity now.
Serenity now.
So you're using Frank's relaxation method? Jerry, the anger, it just melts right off.
Serenity now.
Serenity now.
- Hey, what happened to you? - Serenity.
Well you are not gonna believe this.
Now Lippman has renounced.
This shiksa thing is totally out of control.
What is with you people? - What are you looking at? - Sit down, Elaine.
Oh, no, Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.
I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.
Do you have an apple? Look at us, hurtling through space on this big blue marble.
Or a nectarine.
I would love a nectarine.
Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning.
Why am I in such a fruit mood? Banana.
When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right here in front of us.
- What? - Elaine Jerry, I found a way to beat Lloyd Braun.
I buy the computers myself, I store them in your apartment.
Then after I win the contest, I bring them all back, I get my money back.
It's brilliant.
Wait, what's wrong with your leg? I'm asking Elaine to marry me.
I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.
It's all right.
All fine.
Elaine Jerry, I've got a lot going on with Lippman right now.
- Lippman? - Yeah, and him too.
What? Oh, yeah.
I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go and give him a hand.
- Come on.
Come on! - Can I help you? Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt.
Watch how it's done.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Vandelay.
Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen.
Costanza, you're white hot.
If you'd like to make call, please hang up and Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news.
- They're both the same.
You're fired.
- Costanza, you won the Waterpik.
You're not gonna give away that Waterpik.
You wanna bet? Serenity now.
Serenity now.
You know, you should tell your dad that "serenity now" thing doesn't work.
It just bottles up the anger and then, eventually you blow.
- What do you know? - You were in the nut house.
- What do you think put me there? I heard they found a family in your freezer.
Serenity now insanity later.
What happened here, Kramer? - Serenity now.
Serenity now.
- Kramer.
Jerry.
I didn't hear you come in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the children, they've done some redecorating.
You don't look well.
That's odd, because I feel perfectly at peace with the world.
Eggs, you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Look at me, I stepped on your last rose.
Jerry, come on.
Don't get so upset about it.
There's always next spring.
Would you excuse me for a moment? Serenity now! Jerry, I did it.
I beat Braun.
Serenity now.
Come on.
Lend me a hand with the computers? Serenity now! Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy George, you listen to me I owe you one.
All right? He's incorrigible.
- You wanna talk about it? - Please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry.
I can't handle it.
George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done.
Sure, I'm not funny anymore but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
How about you? All right.
Here it goes.
Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this shiks-appeal? Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth.
Like the yeti or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch.
Well, something's going on here because every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.
Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish religion.
For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date? Well, what does that have to do? You know, a member of my congregation has a time-share in Myrtle Beach.
Perhaps if you're not too busy we could wing on down after the High Holidays.
Elaine? Lainey? So that's it.
All of my darkest fears and everything I'm capable of.
That's me.
Well, good luck with all that.
Where are you going? I thought I could count on you for a little compassion.
I think you scared me straight.
- All right, Jerome, I'm in.
- What? Maybe we should get married.
Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us.
Jer, let's do it.
I tell you, I don't see it happening.
What? What happened to the new Jerry? He doesn't work here anymore.
Oh, well, that's just great! - I love you, Jerry.
- Right back at you, slick.
You know, all these years l've always wanted to see the two of you get back together.
Well, that's because you're an idiot.
You single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of bankruptcy.
Well, what about all the Lloyd Braun sales? He was crazy.
His phone wasn't even hooked up.
He just liked ringing that bell.
I told you to clean up this garage.
I have to put my car in.
This is a place of business.
I told you never to come in here.
Serenity now.
All right.
Dad, you really should lay off the serenity-now stuff.
So, what am I supposed to say? Hoochie mama.
Move your crap, I'm coming in.
No, you're not.
Hoochie mama.
Hoochie mama.