Bob's Burgers s09e04 Episode Script

1 No! What are you doing? Make it look scary.
Better.
So what's that supposed to be? An ugly ghost or something? - It's a mummy.
- Mm.
Looks like an ugly ghost.
I spent all weekend on it.
You know what, leave it there.
It's, uh, terrifying.
O-Okay.
I love how Ocean Avenue's gonna be pedestrian only on Halloween.
We only have to trick-or-treat on one street and we live on it.
Yeah, the only thing easier would be if everyone just dumped candy in a bucket outside the door.
Bill, bill, bill.
Ooh, catalogue.
And I'm a little old to trick-or-treat, but damn, I got to get me some Sticky Sugar-Booms.
Sticky Sugar-Booms? What are Sticky Sugar-Booms? A new candy/reason for living.
It's the "it" candy this year.
You chomp it and the syrup reacts with the fizzy stuff and it explodes in your mouth.
Boom.
And you know the store owners are gonna give out the good stuff 'cause they're so desperate for business.
Looking at you, Dad.
Did you get the Sticky Sugar-Booms? Oh, no, I got these really good hard candies, though.
Everyone loves hard candies, right? Yeah, yeah They're the b-best? Yeah, I mean, these were my grandfather's favorite, Dr.
Peter's Bitter Drops.
They aren't too sweet, you know? And, by the way, we're not desperate for business.
Eh, we are.
All right, we are, but this will be good.
Lots of people coming in here, maybe people who've never been in before.
For Bitter Drops? And for the ghosts.
Your mother hung ghosts.
I mean, she's going to.
I hung the string.
I can't find the ghosts.
Hey, here's a flyer from your dentist.
Dr.
Yap is offering to pay you a dollar a pound for your Halloween candy.
Why the hell would we do that? We worked for that sugar, girl! Plus, buying candy is exactly what we'd do with money the second we got any.
Yeah, money is just candy that hasn't been born yet.
Hey, Teddy, how you doing? Good.
I-I mean, okay, maybe, or maybe not.
What's going on? Well, you know that candle place next door? Those Who Can, Dle.
Horrible name.
I don't even understand it.
Yeah, well, they hired a handyman to set out their Halloween decorations out front.
Oh, yeah, I think I saw that guy.
He's got two legs, two arms? That's him, all right.
Yup.
His name is Glenn.
The guy's always beating me out for jobs.
His hook is he's the "smell nice handyman.
" Ooh, I like that.
Not that you're not that.
Yeah, no, you smell incredible all the time.
Like baby powder and-and peanut butter.
Yeah, well, I kind of told him, "Hey, that's funny.
"I got hired next door at Bob's to decorate the front of their place for Halloween.
" Uh-huh, but you didn't.
- No, right.
No, I know.
- Right.
Okay, so hear me out: if you let me, I'll do your decorations for free if you just pretend-hire me, right? So I can shove it right in Glenn's stupid, nice-smelling, stupid face, right? How's that smell, Glenn? He's just so damn competent.
I just want to step on his neck a little bit, you know? - Whoa.
- Yikes.
- Yeah.
- Okay, fine, Teddy, you can decorate the front of the restaurant if you want.
- Yay! - Oh, thanks a lot.
That's great.
How's that spider coming along, Teddy? It's coming along wonderfully, Glenn.
Than you very much.
How's your so-called bat? My bat is spectacular.
Thanks for asking.
Nice ladder, by the way.
Thank you.
I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.
Oh, I was, and now I realize that we have the same ladder, so maybe now I'm being sincere.
So we both agree these are great ladders.
Is this the right tone of voice to be saying that, you idiot on a nice ladder? Oh, yeah, this is a great tone of voice, except shut up! Yeah, you shut up! Besides, I can't hear you over all the work I'm doing over here.
I'm doing more work! Work, work Work, work, work, work - Work.
- Work good, smell better.
That's what I say.
Can I open my eyes yet? I want to see my babies in their costumes.
We've been ready for five minutes.
- We're waiting for you.
- Oh, look at you! Who are you dressed as? I'm André 3000 the Giant.
Oh, so fresh and so Gene.
Who are you, Louise? I'm a dragon with a girl tattoo.
- Ooh, you flipped the script.
- What do you mean? And what are you, Tina? I'm Nun of Your Business.
Okay.
Geez, touchy.
No, Lin, that's her costume.
Do you seriously not get it? No, I got it.
I-I got it.
What-what is it then? She's a nun.
She's a cranky nun.
What about the briefcase? Well, that's why she's cranky.
She's got a lot of work to do.
Hey, Teddy.
- Cool costume? - Yeah.
I thought if I was gonna be working out here on Halloween night, I should probably blend in.
I didn't want to look weird, Bob.
Uh-huh.
How you doing on the decorations? Great.
I'm almost done.
Just because it's definitely not before Halloween anymore.
It is Halloween, you know? Kids are trick-or-treating all over the place right now.
But look at that spider and that web! Ooh, scary! Isn't the spider scary, kids? Sure is.
That spider makes me think, "Whoa.
No way.
" Yeah, took a lot of work, but, hey, when you nail it, you nail it.
Holy crap.
His flies? It's flying all over the place.
- That's amazing! - It looks so real.
That's better than real.
That's better than bats.
- Yours doesn't move? - No, it doesn't move at all.
God, it's like something out of da Vinci's sketchbook.
Uh I know a guy.
I-I can go get a motor, a-a servo.
This spider's gonna be crawling all over the place.
- I'll be right back.
- Yup.
Happy Halloween! That's entertainment, am I right? Glenn! - Ooh, he does smell good.
- All the way from here.
Ooh, I got some Sticky Sugar-Booms.
- Nice.
- Me, too.
They're gonna be the second best booms I drop today.
Kerplunk! I can't open my mouth at all, but it's so good.
Yup.
I can feel the flavor seeping into my teeth.
Good-bye, teeth.
- Trick or treat - Ooh - Sticky sweets - Ah - Messin' up - Ooh - All my teeth - Ah - Trick or treat - Ooh - Sticky sweets - Ah Feel the flavor seeping into my teeth You can eat the wrappers, right? Cut out the middleman? Oh, hey, Jimmy Jr.
Zeke.
- That-That's loud.
- Hey, Tina.
So you're trick-or-treating, huh? We're not.
You could say we're more into the trick part this year.
That's loud.
Yeah, mischief.
Oh, that one didn't explode, but you get the point.
So much mischief.
We're gonna go to Mutilation Mansion at Wonder Wharf later.
I heard they jump out and grab you.
They really shake you.
- Come on.
Like this.
Come on.
- Zeke, ow.
And they look all mutilated.
Tina, you should go.
It's fun.
Mm, I don't think so.
Mutilation Mansions kind of freak me out.
Duh.
That's the point.
Yeah, Tina, you don't go to Mutilation Mansion to relax and unwind.
It's not a spa.
You guys are idiots.
I'm getting candy.
Mayday! SOS! Whoa, Andy, Ollie, are you okay? - No, our candy got stolen.
- By a devil! Your candy got stolen by an actual devil? I guess it could've been a human in a devil costume, but our bags are gone! Sounds like punk teens being punks.
Sorry, guys.
That really sucks.
Hey, has any one seen an astronaut running through here? We have astro-not.
Why? 'Cause that astronaut stole my bag of candy.
- For real? - Who are you dressed as, by the way? Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man.
- Oh, it's, um - Iconic? Yeah.
My candy! My candy! My beautiful candy! Oh, no! You, too? Who took yours, a devil or an astronaut? Neither.
It was a hockey goalie with a knife.
Do you mean Jason from Friday the 13th? You know I don't like scary movies! What's going on? There are monsters out there, and they want our candy.
It's a war on Halloween.
Newt Gingrich warned us about this.
Okay, let's go over what we know.
We have four innocent kids' candy stolen right from their hands.
By a bunch of teens dressed up like a devil, an astronaut, and a goalie named Jason.
He's not a goalie, but whatever.
Trick or treat.
Frikkin' teens.
Why can't they just stick to scaring each other down at Wonder Wharf? I know.
Teens are the cause of nine out of ten things.
Guys, I really don't want my candy to get stolen.
Should we drop ours off at home? No, no, no, no.
We'd be wasting valuable candy time walking there.
Teens.
More trick than treat this year, huh? - Do what? - What are you talking about? You know damn well what we're talking about.
Let's give them something to talk about.
How about love? There's a group of teens stealing kids' candy.
You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Hm, hm? Would you? Easy there, Sister Mary Yellin' At Me.
That sucks sour balls, but it wasn't us.
Gene, what happened? My candy, it's gone! - What? - You, too? - Who took it? - That guy! No.
That guy.
I-I didn't see! Someone just yanked it out of my hand! Told you it wasn't us.
Yeah, man, those accusations sting.
They're picking us off one by one.
- I think I'm dying.
- Oh, no! His eyes are rolling back in his head! Get him a fun size candy bar, stat! - Gene, stay with us, buddy.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- Here, I got one! - Put it under his tongue! I've got a heartbeat here.
He's stabilizing.
You gave us a real scare there, little buddy.
Don't you ever do that to me again! Okay, happy Halloween.
Sorry we don't have good candy.
My husband's not allowed to buy the candy anymore.
We're gonna show up that handsome bastard.
- Y-You think he's handsome? - You don't? I don't know.
I didn't I mean, he's not really my type.
He's got a good body, though.
Are you kidding? He has a great body.
Yeah, but without the body, you wouldn't say he's handsome.
I would.
All right.
Here we go.
Whoa, nice.
Look at it go! Plus, it's motion activated.
Whoa, what the hell is that? Looks like a ghost? I'm projecting this ghost-like image onto a superfine mist.
It's amazing, I know.
Wow, it looks really real.
Yup, it's a hell of an effect over here at Those Who Can, Dle Candles.
Well, uh, my spider cr-crawls a little bit now, so It really jiggles around, doesn't it? Yeah, well, it, uh It's, uh I give up.
You win.
- Did you just give up? - Yes, Glenn.
Well, Teddy wasn't finished with his spider yet.
- I wasn't? - No, he has big plans still, Glenn.
It's, like, 8:30.
We know it's late, okay? Glenn, ever heard of a grand finale? I didn't think so.
I've heard of a grand finale.
Well, you're about to hear of one.
More.
Come on, Teddy, you-you've got to finish doing what you were gonna do with this not done spider.
Okay, because I'm definitely gonna do that.
- So let's do it.
- Let's go.
- Here we go.
Okay.
- Go, go, go.
- We're going.
I'm going.
- Go, Teddy, go.
Stick around, Glenn, if you want to see a thing that we're doing that we definitely know what it is.
We just got to rebuild, one trick or treat at a time.
Can we re-trick-or-treat the places we've already trick-or-treated? Is that even legal? Wait.
You all got your candy stolen while you were on Ocean Avenue, right? - Yeah.
- So that means, if we don't want our candy stolen, we got to stay off the street.
And stay in school.
No, we're only safe in the stores.
From now on, do not touch Ocean Avenue unless you have to.
The street is lava, okay? Go, go, go Thank you.
Okay.
Two at a time.
Darryl, Rudy, I want you to hug that wall like it's your mama at bedtime.
Ready? - Ready.
- Sort of.
Now, go, go, go.
Next two.
Okay, we're all safe inside, and Tina and I still have our candy.
- Good job, everyone.
- Up from the ashes, here we go.
Time to trick-or-treat this mamma-jamma.
Trick or treat, smell my feet and whatnot, good sir? Thank you.
Trick or Somebody took my bag! - Somebody took my bag! - Who? Did you see who took it? No! Yes! I don't know, I don't know! So the street is lava and now the stores are lava, too? Everywhere can't be lava.
That's not how lava works.
Happy Halloween.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.
Oh, what about fries? You want some fries? Or coffee? I just put a pot on.
Ooh, sugar.
You just do you want to just take that instead? Just take that.
There you go.
These candy thieves can hit us wherever they want.
What does it matter anymore? My candy's gone.
- Ah! - I still have my candy.
Speaking of which, can I have some? Preferably a Sticky Sugar-Boom? No! Yes.
Some, if you defend it.
All right, good.
I feel surrounded.
Let's head towards home and get this candy into the vault.
Wait, I forget, which one of us is dressed like a gorilla? - Um, none, I think? - Then who's that? - Catch him! - There's a gorilla in our midst! Where'd that gorilla go? - There he is! - Are we chasing him? Are we gonna kill him? I think I can do it.
- No.
Let's just follow him.
- Right, right.
Sorry.
Yeah, follow him.
Maybe he leads us to his dumb friends and we get all of our stolen candy back.
Hey, stop.
Damn it.
Wrong gorilla.
Sorry.
Cute baby.
There.
He's on that side street.
He's too fast.
And I'm not just saying that as a slow boy.
That electric skateboard thingy really moves.
That's cheating.
Yeah, gorillas can't even ride those things, probably.
Damn it.
How are we gonna catch him? Huh.
Bus driver, follow that gorilla.
You got it.
Hold on tight, kids.
We're gaining on him.
Wow, he's really good on that thing.
Ugh, that was tough to watch.
I mean, you root for him to fall off and then he falls off, and then you don't know how to feel.
Wait, what am I doing? I have a route.
I give into peer pressure way too easily.
Are you serious? This is an emergency.
A candy emergency.
You know what else is an emergency? Respecting myself.
Go on, get out.
Enjoy the night.
He's going towards the wharf.
He's on foot now.
We can get him.
Halloween turbo speed, go! I don't think I have that feature.
How's it going out here, with the decorations you're still putting up for some reason? Wait, what's with the bandana? Oh, I wanted to dress up.
How is that dressing up? I'm Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce Springsteen? Not really.
I thought you were Rambo.
No.
I wouldn't just put on a bandana.
I'm wearing jeans, Teddy.
I look like Bruce Springsteen.
Anyway, we're in the middle of something - revolutionary here, Lin.
- Yeah.
We're about to we're about to show up Glenn in a big way.
Yeah.
He's bad news, Lin, and he's going down.
He thought it was "Glory Days," but it's about to be "Thunder Road.
" I don't get it.
Is that a line from Rambo? Wait, what's on the spider's legs? - Oh, those are chain saws.
- Wha chain saws? - Not real ones, though, right? - No, they're real.
Are they on all the spider's legs? Well, not all of them.
We could only get four chain saws.
Got a couple of legs that have nail guns.
Yeah, and one's got a hammer.
I'm not explaining to the kids that their dad died in a chain saw spider accident.
- Yeah.
- And if you chop your hands off, I'm not wiping your butt for you.
You know our arrangement.
I know our arrangement.
I'll be careful.
Okay, I-I think we're ready.
I hope Glenn is still around so he sees.
This bad boy's got some real power, so I'm just gonna start out nice and slow - Whoa! Whoa! - Shut it off! - Whoa! Whoa! - Oh, boy, okay! - Shut if off - No! No! My bat! And my mist ghost! What the hell happened out here? Um, I think maybe a kid threw an egg.
We got the worst of it.
Damn it.
Where did he go? Maybe this is a bad idea.
Yeah, maybe we should stop chasing this gorilla and go back to trick-or-treating.
No.
Guys, it's late.
The good stuff is gone.
We're after the mother lode now.
All the candy that's been taken from all the kids tonight.
We're going to get everything.
Which we're gonna give back to all the kids if we find it? - Sure, sure, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- There he is! He's going into Mutilation Mansion.
- Let's follow him! - But I don't want to be mutilated tonight.
I worked really hard on this onesie.
Uh, I might just, uh, stay out here, and look for the astronaut and that devil, um, and that Jason guy.
Any suspicious hockey goalie, really.
I'm gonna give Tina some backup.
So we'll be out here being brave.
Ugh, suit yourselves.
Let's go.
Oh, I didn't like that.
Okay, where is that damn gorilla? I really want our candy back, but I also really want to leave.
There's no turning back now, Rudy.
Well, the door's right there.
There could be some turning back now.
It's not far, is what he's saying.
- No, gah.
Both of you, stop it.
- There! He's going into the "Ballroom of Blood.
" Let's see if we can corner him in there.
As long as we don't see any blood.
I got a thing about that.
- So how's school going? - Good, good.
H-How's work? - Same old, same old.
- Mm.
We made the right call to stay out here, - didn't we? - I'm enjoying our conversation.
It's nice to catch up.
Scarred for life! Scarred for life! - Oh, God.
- Where'd he go? He's got to be in here.
Tina, Gene.
We realized you might need us in here more than we needed to not be in here.
Also, a guy came out and puked, like, ten feet from us.
It did not smell great.
You guys are heroes.
How'd you even see him in here? We tackled a lot of people before we tackled him.
But-but they're pretty cool about it.
All right, gorilla.
Who are you? Dr.
Yap? You stole our candy? Me? What? That's crazy.
- W-Who is that? - That's our dentist.
Astronaut costume, devil costume, Jason mask.
It wasn't a bunch of teens, it was just one dentist? But why, Yap? Why would you steal our candy? I didn't want to.
You left me no choice.
Every year I sent out my flyers with my very generous cash for candy offer, and every year, it's ignored! - It's never gonna happen.
- Yeah.
no.
- Nope.
- Yeah, that's not no.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, that's a terrible deal.
But stealing? Taking candy from sweet, adorable children, really? I had to this year, 'cause of Sticky Sugar-Booms.
Do you know how bad they are for your teeth? Of course you don't.
Because you didn't barely graduate dental school.
I care about you kids.
That's why I hunted you down like animals all night.
Don't you make more money if kids get a lot of cavities? Ah, that's a common misconception.
Plus, cavities are gross and they smell weird.
And I don't want to fill cavities all winter.
I want to go skiing.
Where's the rest of the candy, Yap? I can't tell you that.
- Where is it, dentist? - Let's just say your Halloween has been incinerated? Ah, ha! The incinerator.
Guys, follow me.
Did I say "incinerated"? I meant "it's in the ocean.
" Damn it.
Oh, we're so sorry about this.
It really got out of hand.
And all this because my handyman - wanted to impress your handyman.
- What? - What? - Impress me? Yeah.
He said you're the handyman's handyman, and he wanted to show you up.
Glenn did most of this out of his own pocket.
- Poor thing.
- What are you guys talking about? - Uh - Uh, nothing.
Cologne.
Uh, just, uh, what a good job you did here.
Oh, uh, well, thanks, Teddy, I've always, uh, I've always liked your work.
Except when you chainsawed everything.
That was Bob's idea.
You know how it goes, you get hired for a job, and then you got to do whatever the guy says? Huh? - Uh, what? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right? Toilet's not gonna fit in here, you say, right? So you put the toilet in and then you find out it doesn't fit.
But I already measured it, sir, and I told you it wasn't gonna fit.
That's the kind of idiot I'm dealing with over here.
Okay, T uh, Teddy, take it easy.
Incinerator guy, stop! - Stop incinerating! - Decinerate! - Wait, what, huh? - Don't burn that candy! But I was told to burn the candy.
Well, you've also been told to not burn the candy.
By us, just now.
So makes you think? It's just, my word is all I have, and I said I would burn the candy, so I'm gonna burn the candy.
Yes, burn the candy.
No! You evil jackass.
You really feel good about burning kids' candy - on Halloween? - Yes, he does.
Oh, wait, it's Halloween? It is.
The one holiday, mind you, where there's no hugging, there's no singing, there aren't even cards.
We dress as monsters and we threaten people with tricks and they give us candy and it's beautiful.
Hey, you had me at "it is.
" I-I didn't know it was Halloween already.
That's what being in a coma for six months will do to you.
Oh, okay.
So can we have the candy? Yeah.
But what about your teeth? They're gonna rot.
Some of us have disposable teeth.
Yeah, nothing's forever, Yap.
I mean, except for my teeth.
They're adult teeth.
But I floss.
No.
No, you don't.
- Sometimes.
- Barely.
Hey, you look like you might've lost something.
Oh, sorry.
You okay? Here you go, kid.
Stick this in your face-hole.
- Here.
- Yay, candy.
Okay, okay.
Easy, easy.
Candy for you, candy for you, and here's some candy for you.
So you didn't make it to Mutilation Mansion, huh? No, Zeke got scared, and then I then got scared to make him feel better.
Maybe next year.
I guess we're stuck between tricks and treats.
We're Hallo-tweeners.
I hear that.
I mean, I went in Mutilation Mansion with, like, fourth graders, but cool.
Hey, ask me what's in my briefcase.
Wha-What's in your briefcase? Nun of your business.
Get it? Just kidding, it's a crapload of candy.
Whoa, that's a lot of candy.
How damn! Hallelujah! Oh, God! Come on.
Get away.
Come on.
- Ow, Zeke.
- Come on, get away.
- Get away! Get away! - Ow, Zeke.
- Come here! Cha! Getcha! - Ah! If I wanna put some sweets All up in my teeth It's none of your business If she brings Sticky Sugar-Booms Up into her room It's none of your business If you think my cavity Is a travesty It's none of your business So don't tell me what to eat - Did you go trick-or-treat? - No! It's none of your business! Now just 'cause you're a grown-up Doesn't mean you're a dentist Even if you really were - You wouldn't be my friend-tist - Check it - Don't say nothin' 'bout my - Nougat - Talkin' 'bout my - Chocolate If you got a problem with