Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s09e04 Episode Script
LLC1652S - The Really Masculine Purse
Could anyone look at that view without asking, "Is there a power behind the universe?" But why does He always put His boot through all my endeavours? Is it because I don't have a beard? Historically, most of His favourites had a beard.
Gladwin Allsop's missus has a beard.
SHE isn't one of His favourites.
I don't think she's even one of Gladwin Allsop's favourites.
Right, thank you.
You see? Just leave it to Seymour.
Little legs feeling better now? That lift wasn't up to much.
Your legs aren't up to much.
Who does he remind you of, from the back? I don't know anybody from the back.
They usually come at you from the front.
But I HAVE led a fairly unadventurous life.
When I say fairly, I mean totally.
Randolph Scott.
What? Randolph Scott.
Seymour reminds you of Randolph Scott? Only from the back.
How much do you know about wild flowers? There were those twins who became hairdressers.
Do you know their NAMES? They were called Terence and Rodney.
Have you ever seen a cowslip? I didn't know cows wore 'em.
Do YOU keep your eyes open? Well, except when I'm driving.
I hate driving.
I suppose I expect too much.
But I'm just INTERESTED in everything.
I must know how everything works.
It's why I'm always tinkering with things, experimenting.
Rather a burden really the mind ever active.
People think it must be great to be exceptionally gifted, but I sometimes get tired of it.
Who's paying? That'll be 60p! SIXTY pence?! Well, I never did! Sixty pence.
Well, I never do.
Sixty pence! Sixty pence.
I WAS intending to pay for my own.
That'll be for all three.
Not only National Assistance - they're going private! Hey up! Another tulip with a purse! Randolph Scott! He's full of surprises! One thing I can't stand to watch is people throwing their money about as if there's no tomorrow! Why don't you offer a little discount for quantity? I wonder why it is this place is the target for every non-spender in the district? They come from MILES around.
I'm like a miser's MECCA! Seymour, you could be lucky there.
Ooh! Drink your tea and shut up! SL-U-U-R-R-P! Is that shutting up? I've heard Dyna-Rod do it more delicately! Some people have musical lips.
Do you realise how fortunate it is that lips are at the front? If they were at the back, you'd never know what you were eating.
On the other hand, they'd be ideally placed for kissing goodbye.
S-L-U-R-P! Listen, Gloria! It does MY image no good being seen with a non-ferret person poncing about with a purse! What does it do for MY image being seen with you?! Listen! Being seen with me could do a great deal for your macho image, if you'd just put that PURSE away! Very macho holding hands like that.
It must be hard work - inventing.
We shouldn't laugh.
It's not easy being exceptionally gifted.
Oh, I know.
Maybe this time he'll come up with something.
Does tha reckon? This time it could be different.
That's what I keep telling Nora Batty.
This could be an historical moment.
Hey! I tell thee, I'll try her wi' that! It's been a big day for Seymour.
His mind has been in a state of creative turmoil ever since he paid for the tea.
Oh, he gets such BARMY ideas.
To us they may seem barmy ideas To him they are the children of his fertile imagination.
It's time he went on the Pill then! I've GOT it! It's a winner! It's all in here, you know.
A full set of working drawings.
I wasn't just pacing about there, I was inventing like crazy! What? A modification of the humble purse which will rid it of all femininity and make it completely MASCULINE! A what? A really BUTCH purse.
Have a look in my mail-box.
See how many people are clamouring for my correspondence courses.
Approximately - none! Again! Like to keep the peasants in the dark, do we? It makes you wonder about education.
Gladwin Allsop, all those years at night school, and still he gets a wife with a beard.
BUZZ Hey up, Seymour! Tha's still not talking into that? It never opens the door! I've been ironing the bugs out.
Why don't he just FORGET it? No, if people didn't persevere, you'd never get such triumphs as the Sinclair electric vehicle or the Titanic.
I've programmed it for a new code word.
Just a technical thing.
The door will spring open - when I give the command.
Marjorie.
Marjorie?! Marjorie! Marjorie! Marjorie! Marjorie! MAR-JOR-IE! What's thee doing? Stop complaining, man! Where's tha shoving me? The pantry.
Suppose he only had a fridge? What about the back door? It's bolted.
Mind the catch! Mind the catch! You must be really proud to have this role in the new technology.
Bog off! Aaagh! All right? Yes.
From the waist up.
How's your fruit cake? That's where the trouble is.
It's that catch.
BLEEP Take a seat, while I get into something more comfortable.
That's a hell of a chair for Randolph Scott.
No wonder he has that tight expression.
Hey up Seymour, why don't tha get some decent-sized chairs? It's expensive equipping a school.
You can't throw good, solid furniture away! There's years of life left in this stuff.
You'll soon get the hang of it.
Right.
I shall need one of you to test the trial model of the Utterthwaite Men Only Purse.
What's tha looking at me for? Who do I know who'd be ideally suited for field testing the Utterthwaite Men Only Purse? Bog off.
Well, if that's "thank you" in Russian, there's no need.
I went through the pantry window! Not exactly a journey in Space(!) There WASN'T much space! Especially round that window catch.
You're probably the first man in orbit round that window catch.
YOU'RE the one we have to convince.
What harm is there in road-testing a purse? Look We'll put some money in it.
Ah, well, tha's made me an offer I can't refuse.
HAMMERING SAWING That sounds like some purse.
BANGING ON METAL A really MASCULINE purse! What's tha doing, Seymour? Attaching some straps to the purse.
Straps? They're probably to help you hang on to your money.
Hey up, Norm.
Look at this! What is it? Egg timer? "Do not touch".
'Ear, 'ear.
No smoking in the laboratory! Right! Pay attention! A few test questions.
What is it about the pocket purse which makes it appear feminine? You.
Don't look at him.
Tell ME.
(Ask him to repeat the question.
) Sir? Sir, sir, sir, sir.
Well? He said to ask you to repeat the question.
Oh, there's no need to take the wee-wee.
Then stop behaving like a perishin' headmaster! I didn't intend to.
Old habits die hard.
My wife used to say that.
Looking at me with a kind of wonder.
I still say a bloke with a purse is a right Mildred.
Right then, little tatty Rambo.
Perhaps you'll tell us why.
It stands to reason, dunnit? Digging your hand in your pocket, taking out this ladylike purse, dipping your ladylike fingers in One for youand one for you and one for my little dicky friend.
Get off! I tell you what - James Bond would never have done it.
He never has the time, does he? The way he wears himself out in the service of his country I hope when he finally packs it in, somebody gives him a medal.
That is if he can find anywhere to hang it.
It depends where you keep the purse.
Wherever, it's STILL ladylike! Not if a man keeps it where one might keep a concealed weapon.
In the cupboard under the stairs? Strapped to the ankle! Is that macho enough? Concealed where Men-Who-Walk-With-Danger always conceal what they value.
If you Walk-With-Danger, it's just as well you conceal what you value! That's pathetic! Why? Because I'd be hopping about like a paralysed penguin! You wouldn't NORMALLY be holding your leg like this! You would raise the leg casually, and with ease - like so Or like so You'll soon get the hang of it.
I told you he'd come up with summat weird! It's no good! Why not? I can't strap it round me welly! We'll soon fix that! Norman Ah, ha ha! Hereborrow these.
Ta, Wall.
They need breaking in, anyway.
He'll be careful.
It's all right.
They're not very fast.
Leastways, they've never been very fast for me.
She catches me every flamin' time.
Can you see her? Is she watching? All clear, Wally.
You've got to admire the way he dares turn his back on her.
If you see her watching, just nod.
I could do with a rear view mirror, but she'd keep polishing it.
We must be on our way, I'm afraid.
It must be great being able to go when you want.
It's nowt, Wally.
We're just testing Seymour's purse.
I never get a chance to do things like that.
You don't when you're married.
She gives me security and full-employment But they've no idea how a bloke misses sheer stupidity.
What did they want? Dozy lot.
They're just testing Seymour's new purse.
Oh, GET inside! You'll soon be as daft as they are! That's the nicest thing, lass, that you've said to me for ages! Get inside! A concealed purse round your ankle is a significant advance in personal security.
How many pickpockets are you likely to meet only 9 inches high? These boots are a bit tight.
Don't start making difficulties.
I want you have a POSITIVE attitude.
All right, I'm positive these boots are a bit tight.
It seems so unfair.
Not only married to Nora Batty, but his boots are too tight.
Looks like really tough leather.
She does to me.
BOOTS SQUEAK SQUEAK Pull the trouser over the purse! You can't expose everything.
Oh-h-h! That's a nice thing to do on a public path! Hoist them UP! Get out! Can't you fasten them more securely than that?! They were all right before you yanked on 'em! I promise, I'll NEVER do it again! Look at him! You'd think there was a global braces shortage! This has sentimental value.
It's a bit of Nora Batty's clothes-line.
It's a lock of her clothes-line?! I was at a loose end, so I swiped it.
Pathetic! Did she miss it? Did she MISS it?! Anybody'd think it were gold-plated! She came at me with that brush, sparks flying out of her curlers And all the time I'm thinking - Oh-h-h-hJoan Crawford Joan Crawford?! Aye, she reminds me of Joan Crawford.
You don't mean Broderick Crawford? You'll never know what Nora does to me.
Usually with a brush.
TAP DANCES 'SQUEAKILY' All right! What are we doing? You're going to do some shopping using the Utterthwaite Ankle Purse.
And I want you to give it a fair trial! Norm, why is he choking me? It's to do with a fair trial.
I don't want you pretending it's difficult.
I want you to show how EASY it is.
When seated, the hand falls naturally to the purse.
Or, when standing, one can place the foot casually on any surface, as if tying a shoelace.
Or, simply raise the foot backwards to clasp it in one hand, and operate the purse with the other You'll soon get the hang of it.
SQUEAK! SQUEAK! That's exactly what Seymour did! You must be getting the hang of it! Let's begin.
Who's gonna carry my wellies? SQUEAK These boots are killing me! We'll go by bus.
SQUEAK Just try to keep them quiet.
SQUEAK Don't look.
Then people will think he's not with us.
Who's "he"?! SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAKING Tha told me to pay the fare! I didn't tell you to bring your leg up quite so sharply! Did you hear the way he squealed?! I thought they weren't supposed to stop in unauthorised places.
SQUEAKING SQUEAK I never meant to catch him in unauthorised places! What's up with him? His feet are being strangled.
Pity it's just his feet.
OohI shall have to sit down.
Not till you've paid the lady.
Eh? HEY! Get that squeaky boot off my furniture! I were only What do you think this is?! Now, 3 teas.
Aa-aa-agh! Don't you raise your leg at me! OW! OUT! OUT! OUT! SQUEAK SQUEAK Listen! I could have sworn I could hear YOUR boots! It's true! I can hear 'em! I thought only old men had squeaky boots.
I'm only a lad and I've got squeaky boots! SQUEAK They ARE! They're YOUR boots! BOOTS SQUEAK What the Dickens is he up to now?! MILBURN! CROCKERY SMASHES Well, maybe the world wasn't ready for the Really Masculine Purse.
I'll stick to pockets! Other people's.
Like at school.
I were only after jelly babies.
Really masculine jelly babies.
Of course, I could invent an electric purse.
The world's first electric purse! Press a button and out comes the change.
I've a pair of trousers like that! BBC - 1987
Gladwin Allsop's missus has a beard.
SHE isn't one of His favourites.
I don't think she's even one of Gladwin Allsop's favourites.
Right, thank you.
You see? Just leave it to Seymour.
Little legs feeling better now? That lift wasn't up to much.
Your legs aren't up to much.
Who does he remind you of, from the back? I don't know anybody from the back.
They usually come at you from the front.
But I HAVE led a fairly unadventurous life.
When I say fairly, I mean totally.
Randolph Scott.
What? Randolph Scott.
Seymour reminds you of Randolph Scott? Only from the back.
How much do you know about wild flowers? There were those twins who became hairdressers.
Do you know their NAMES? They were called Terence and Rodney.
Have you ever seen a cowslip? I didn't know cows wore 'em.
Do YOU keep your eyes open? Well, except when I'm driving.
I hate driving.
I suppose I expect too much.
But I'm just INTERESTED in everything.
I must know how everything works.
It's why I'm always tinkering with things, experimenting.
Rather a burden really the mind ever active.
People think it must be great to be exceptionally gifted, but I sometimes get tired of it.
Who's paying? That'll be 60p! SIXTY pence?! Well, I never did! Sixty pence.
Well, I never do.
Sixty pence! Sixty pence.
I WAS intending to pay for my own.
That'll be for all three.
Not only National Assistance - they're going private! Hey up! Another tulip with a purse! Randolph Scott! He's full of surprises! One thing I can't stand to watch is people throwing their money about as if there's no tomorrow! Why don't you offer a little discount for quantity? I wonder why it is this place is the target for every non-spender in the district? They come from MILES around.
I'm like a miser's MECCA! Seymour, you could be lucky there.
Ooh! Drink your tea and shut up! SL-U-U-R-R-P! Is that shutting up? I've heard Dyna-Rod do it more delicately! Some people have musical lips.
Do you realise how fortunate it is that lips are at the front? If they were at the back, you'd never know what you were eating.
On the other hand, they'd be ideally placed for kissing goodbye.
S-L-U-R-P! Listen, Gloria! It does MY image no good being seen with a non-ferret person poncing about with a purse! What does it do for MY image being seen with you?! Listen! Being seen with me could do a great deal for your macho image, if you'd just put that PURSE away! Very macho holding hands like that.
It must be hard work - inventing.
We shouldn't laugh.
It's not easy being exceptionally gifted.
Oh, I know.
Maybe this time he'll come up with something.
Does tha reckon? This time it could be different.
That's what I keep telling Nora Batty.
This could be an historical moment.
Hey! I tell thee, I'll try her wi' that! It's been a big day for Seymour.
His mind has been in a state of creative turmoil ever since he paid for the tea.
Oh, he gets such BARMY ideas.
To us they may seem barmy ideas To him they are the children of his fertile imagination.
It's time he went on the Pill then! I've GOT it! It's a winner! It's all in here, you know.
A full set of working drawings.
I wasn't just pacing about there, I was inventing like crazy! What? A modification of the humble purse which will rid it of all femininity and make it completely MASCULINE! A what? A really BUTCH purse.
Have a look in my mail-box.
See how many people are clamouring for my correspondence courses.
Approximately - none! Again! Like to keep the peasants in the dark, do we? It makes you wonder about education.
Gladwin Allsop, all those years at night school, and still he gets a wife with a beard.
BUZZ Hey up, Seymour! Tha's still not talking into that? It never opens the door! I've been ironing the bugs out.
Why don't he just FORGET it? No, if people didn't persevere, you'd never get such triumphs as the Sinclair electric vehicle or the Titanic.
I've programmed it for a new code word.
Just a technical thing.
The door will spring open - when I give the command.
Marjorie.
Marjorie?! Marjorie! Marjorie! Marjorie! Marjorie! MAR-JOR-IE! What's thee doing? Stop complaining, man! Where's tha shoving me? The pantry.
Suppose he only had a fridge? What about the back door? It's bolted.
Mind the catch! Mind the catch! You must be really proud to have this role in the new technology.
Bog off! Aaagh! All right? Yes.
From the waist up.
How's your fruit cake? That's where the trouble is.
It's that catch.
BLEEP Take a seat, while I get into something more comfortable.
That's a hell of a chair for Randolph Scott.
No wonder he has that tight expression.
Hey up Seymour, why don't tha get some decent-sized chairs? It's expensive equipping a school.
You can't throw good, solid furniture away! There's years of life left in this stuff.
You'll soon get the hang of it.
Right.
I shall need one of you to test the trial model of the Utterthwaite Men Only Purse.
What's tha looking at me for? Who do I know who'd be ideally suited for field testing the Utterthwaite Men Only Purse? Bog off.
Well, if that's "thank you" in Russian, there's no need.
I went through the pantry window! Not exactly a journey in Space(!) There WASN'T much space! Especially round that window catch.
You're probably the first man in orbit round that window catch.
YOU'RE the one we have to convince.
What harm is there in road-testing a purse? Look We'll put some money in it.
Ah, well, tha's made me an offer I can't refuse.
HAMMERING SAWING That sounds like some purse.
BANGING ON METAL A really MASCULINE purse! What's tha doing, Seymour? Attaching some straps to the purse.
Straps? They're probably to help you hang on to your money.
Hey up, Norm.
Look at this! What is it? Egg timer? "Do not touch".
'Ear, 'ear.
No smoking in the laboratory! Right! Pay attention! A few test questions.
What is it about the pocket purse which makes it appear feminine? You.
Don't look at him.
Tell ME.
(Ask him to repeat the question.
) Sir? Sir, sir, sir, sir.
Well? He said to ask you to repeat the question.
Oh, there's no need to take the wee-wee.
Then stop behaving like a perishin' headmaster! I didn't intend to.
Old habits die hard.
My wife used to say that.
Looking at me with a kind of wonder.
I still say a bloke with a purse is a right Mildred.
Right then, little tatty Rambo.
Perhaps you'll tell us why.
It stands to reason, dunnit? Digging your hand in your pocket, taking out this ladylike purse, dipping your ladylike fingers in One for youand one for you and one for my little dicky friend.
Get off! I tell you what - James Bond would never have done it.
He never has the time, does he? The way he wears himself out in the service of his country I hope when he finally packs it in, somebody gives him a medal.
That is if he can find anywhere to hang it.
It depends where you keep the purse.
Wherever, it's STILL ladylike! Not if a man keeps it where one might keep a concealed weapon.
In the cupboard under the stairs? Strapped to the ankle! Is that macho enough? Concealed where Men-Who-Walk-With-Danger always conceal what they value.
If you Walk-With-Danger, it's just as well you conceal what you value! That's pathetic! Why? Because I'd be hopping about like a paralysed penguin! You wouldn't NORMALLY be holding your leg like this! You would raise the leg casually, and with ease - like so Or like so You'll soon get the hang of it.
I told you he'd come up with summat weird! It's no good! Why not? I can't strap it round me welly! We'll soon fix that! Norman Ah, ha ha! Hereborrow these.
Ta, Wall.
They need breaking in, anyway.
He'll be careful.
It's all right.
They're not very fast.
Leastways, they've never been very fast for me.
She catches me every flamin' time.
Can you see her? Is she watching? All clear, Wally.
You've got to admire the way he dares turn his back on her.
If you see her watching, just nod.
I could do with a rear view mirror, but she'd keep polishing it.
We must be on our way, I'm afraid.
It must be great being able to go when you want.
It's nowt, Wally.
We're just testing Seymour's purse.
I never get a chance to do things like that.
You don't when you're married.
She gives me security and full-employment But they've no idea how a bloke misses sheer stupidity.
What did they want? Dozy lot.
They're just testing Seymour's new purse.
Oh, GET inside! You'll soon be as daft as they are! That's the nicest thing, lass, that you've said to me for ages! Get inside! A concealed purse round your ankle is a significant advance in personal security.
How many pickpockets are you likely to meet only 9 inches high? These boots are a bit tight.
Don't start making difficulties.
I want you have a POSITIVE attitude.
All right, I'm positive these boots are a bit tight.
It seems so unfair.
Not only married to Nora Batty, but his boots are too tight.
Looks like really tough leather.
She does to me.
BOOTS SQUEAK SQUEAK Pull the trouser over the purse! You can't expose everything.
Oh-h-h! That's a nice thing to do on a public path! Hoist them UP! Get out! Can't you fasten them more securely than that?! They were all right before you yanked on 'em! I promise, I'll NEVER do it again! Look at him! You'd think there was a global braces shortage! This has sentimental value.
It's a bit of Nora Batty's clothes-line.
It's a lock of her clothes-line?! I was at a loose end, so I swiped it.
Pathetic! Did she miss it? Did she MISS it?! Anybody'd think it were gold-plated! She came at me with that brush, sparks flying out of her curlers And all the time I'm thinking - Oh-h-h-hJoan Crawford Joan Crawford?! Aye, she reminds me of Joan Crawford.
You don't mean Broderick Crawford? You'll never know what Nora does to me.
Usually with a brush.
TAP DANCES 'SQUEAKILY' All right! What are we doing? You're going to do some shopping using the Utterthwaite Ankle Purse.
And I want you to give it a fair trial! Norm, why is he choking me? It's to do with a fair trial.
I don't want you pretending it's difficult.
I want you to show how EASY it is.
When seated, the hand falls naturally to the purse.
Or, when standing, one can place the foot casually on any surface, as if tying a shoelace.
Or, simply raise the foot backwards to clasp it in one hand, and operate the purse with the other You'll soon get the hang of it.
SQUEAK! SQUEAK! That's exactly what Seymour did! You must be getting the hang of it! Let's begin.
Who's gonna carry my wellies? SQUEAK These boots are killing me! We'll go by bus.
SQUEAK Just try to keep them quiet.
SQUEAK Don't look.
Then people will think he's not with us.
Who's "he"?! SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAKING Tha told me to pay the fare! I didn't tell you to bring your leg up quite so sharply! Did you hear the way he squealed?! I thought they weren't supposed to stop in unauthorised places.
SQUEAKING SQUEAK I never meant to catch him in unauthorised places! What's up with him? His feet are being strangled.
Pity it's just his feet.
OohI shall have to sit down.
Not till you've paid the lady.
Eh? HEY! Get that squeaky boot off my furniture! I were only What do you think this is?! Now, 3 teas.
Aa-aa-agh! Don't you raise your leg at me! OW! OUT! OUT! OUT! SQUEAK SQUEAK Listen! I could have sworn I could hear YOUR boots! It's true! I can hear 'em! I thought only old men had squeaky boots.
I'm only a lad and I've got squeaky boots! SQUEAK They ARE! They're YOUR boots! BOOTS SQUEAK What the Dickens is he up to now?! MILBURN! CROCKERY SMASHES Well, maybe the world wasn't ready for the Really Masculine Purse.
I'll stick to pockets! Other people's.
Like at school.
I were only after jelly babies.
Really masculine jelly babies.
Of course, I could invent an electric purse.
The world's first electric purse! Press a button and out comes the change.
I've a pair of trousers like that! BBC - 1987