Modern Family s09e04 Episode Script
Sex Lies Kickball
1 I wonder what Manny's doing right now.
Why don't you call him? You call him.
I don't care what he's doing.
I'm trying not to bug him.
He said that he needed some time to adjust to college, so I'm giving him Stop the car! - [TIRES SCREECHING.]
- [ALL SCREAM.]
Why would you do that?! I think that's Shorty.
Shorty and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember.
He and his wife, Darlene, moved to Costa Rica a few years back for, uh I don't know why.
Ruin his life eating beans, fighting malaria, drinking water people bathe in? This.
This is when you sound racist! You come to town and you don't tell me? I ought to punch you in the neck, you son of a bitch.
Jay! I want to kick you in the knee, you stupid idiot! That might not be a thing.
You're a terrible best friend.
Don't yell at me.
I'm only here a couple of days.
It was last-minute.
I was gonna call.
This Joe? You're huge.
Eh, I can be bigger.
What are you doing? Where are you staying? I'm checking in at the hotel over there.
No hotels.
You're as bad with money as you are with pants.
What's going on down there, anyway? These? Palazzos.
Never felt so comfortable.
Everything goes where it wants to go.
[CHUCKLES.]
Shorty, why don't you come and stay with us? You will even get your own room 'cause Manny's off to college.
College?! How's he doing? I wish I knew.
He needed some space.
In the meantime, she sends him a care package the size of a Fiat, which included a pack of my favorite sausage.
I did not put the sausage Well, where did it go, then?! I know what I ate! There's too many things upsetting me right now.
Go get your stuff.
Meet us back at the house.
It's done.
- You got it! - Yes! It's gonna be so nice since Manny's gone to have somebody fun again in the house.
Are you ready for this, big boy? Oh, I'm ready.
And it's gonna get pretty messy.
Mm! So, do you want to be blue or gold? I'll be blue.
'Cause I'm cool Aah! That tickles! Claire recently went to a bachelorette party where they gave everyone a passion painting kit.
The idea is that you and your partner cover one another in paint get down on the canvas.
And then get down on the canvas.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Stop squirming, Phil.
I'm never gonna get this paint on you.
Okay, I'll do you.
You're gonna be so gold, you'll like an Oscar.
[CHUCKLES.]
- So many people to thank.
- Oh, yeah.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Oh, crap, it's Alex.
Just ignore it.
I can't.
What if something's wrong? Hi, honey.
Everything okay? ALEX: Yeah, I'm just, uh, letting you know I'm sleeping at home tonight.
Uh, h-how far away are you? About 20 minutes.
Oh, that leaves 10 minutes for cleanup.
Also, is it okay if, um, Ben stays over tonight? [SIGHS.]
Sure.
I guess if his mommy says it's okay.
[SCOFFS.]
Mom, you don't have to take a shot at Ben every time he comes up.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right, like I wouldn't ask my mom.
I'm really supposed to ignore that? Listen, he is my boyfriend, - and I'm getting really tired of this.
- Oh, calm down.
- It was just a joke.
- Well, it's not funny! When you attack Ben, you attack me.
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
[SIGHS.]
Ugh! Now, where were we? Honey, I kind of think maybe the moment has passed.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Ohh, it's my dad.
What now? Just ignore it.
I can't.
What if something's wrong? - JAY: Hey, honey.
- Hi, Dad.
Shorty's in town! I need that set of golf clubs I gave to Phil.
That bonehead's certainly not putting them to any good use.
Why, Dad? Why do you always have to attack him? Oh, calm down.
It was just a joke.
I'll pick them up in the morning.
He pisses me off so much! Come on! Let's do this! This doesn't feel like it's about me.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.
What? What's been going on with you lately? You look so handsome.
Oh, well, thank you, sweetie.
You know what, I added a serum step to my skin-care regimen.
W-Wait a minute.
You're just angling for horseback-riding lessons, aren't you? - Come on! - No.
You're not gonna become one of those over-scheduled kids that burns out at 13 and wears combat boots to the beach.
I'm the least-busy Asian kid in my school.
Great.
Take the other end of this sheet and help me make up the bed for Lionel.
Lionel's staying here tonight? - Yes.
- Yes.
Pepper and Ronaldo are dropping him off.
Last year, Pepper and Ronaldo told us that they wanted to become parents and were on a quest to acquire Rihanna's eggs.
And we said, "Or, you rich queens", you could provide a home for a child that needs one.
" So they adopted, and we are a little nervous about how it's going because, um, when they first introduced us to Lionel, we could tell that it wasn't a great fit.
Hi, Lionel, it's nice meeting you.
Hey.
Cool shirt.
It's a basketball costume.
Jersey.
Jersey.
Right.
Like "Jersey Boys.
" Okay, somebody fix me a drink.
We just got cheeseburgers out of a window and ate in our car.
Do we have to disclose that when we sell it? It seemed like a bit of a rocky start, but Pepper said it's going well.
Parenting does change you.
You know, before Lily, I could be so dramatic.
- Oh, and I used to be so uptight.
- But look at us now.
Oh, sorry.
Okay, your hand almost went in my mouth.
Come in, come in.
Ohh! I like this! It's a lot better than what was here before.
Uh, our kitchen was there before.
[CHUCKLES.]
Am I being unclear? Okay, well, Lionel, don't you look sharp? It's Burberry from Harrods in London.
Right? Ohh, you wonderful child.
You won't need those flashcards much longer.
Here, for Lionel's stay some snacks, toiletries, a design magazine you two could also flip through.
Okay, so, Lionel, uh, we have you set up here in the den.
That's where the TV is, and Cam tells me that we have a sports package.
That's okay.
I should practice my cursive.
Pepper says penmanship is a lost art.
Yes.
As are thank-you notes, which is why we can only assume you enjoyed our anniversary gift.
Anyway, we have to get to the airport.
How do we say goodbye, Lionel? Au revoir.
Come walk us to the door.
What have they done to him? Turned him into a little black Pepper.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
It's so infuriating.
She treats you like you're not even a man.
Doesn't that bother you? You know, if you please everyone, you're not making enough progress.
Cheryl Sandberg.
Hey, is this garbage? I don't know.
What's in it? Uh, "Passion Painting Erotic Art Kit"? What is that? - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Ew! Gross! Ugh! Uh.
You know what? If she wants to belittle you like you're some child, we are going to use this to show her what kind of man you are.
I don't want to get paint on my T-shirt and socks.
Well, maybe you'll just have to take them off for this one.
Morning! How's my guy? Awful.
I had a zillion nightmares.
I was talking to Shorty, but gee, that's rough.
Hey, let's have breakfast at my club today.
We do a thing on Friday called "Yesterday's Potatoes.
" They take last night's French fries and make 'em into today's home fries, and last night's fries were fantastic.
Sounds delicious, but, uh, Gloria already cooked.
Two poached eggs, chorizo, and a croissant with blackberry jam.
- Yes! - Manny's favorite.
Geez, why don't you just call him? I made it out of habit.
But thankfully, Shorty loved it.
Didn't you, Papi? Okay, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you get out of those pajamas What pajamas? and then come sit while I Those aren't pajamas? No.
Actually, Gloria and I are gonna go to the farmer's market after we drop Joe off at school.
Why? It's kind of work-related.
Your friend has a very successful juice business in Costa Rica.
They call me the Fruit King.
They must have seen the outfit.
I'll tell you what.
I got a little thing this morning at the office.
Why don't we meet back here at 1:00 for a little best-friend catch-up? Deal? Deal.
Sounds good.
You know what doesn't sound good? One grown man calling another grown man his best friend.
She doesn't get us.
See you, buddy.
What is that? Crostini with edamame puree.
Pepper says anyone who's still doing tomato-basil missed the boat, or should have.
Hey, Lionel, you don't have to eat that stuff they brought for you.
We We won't tell.
Ch Pop a Cheeto.
Be a kid.
But the guys went to the trouble of making Rosa make this for me.
I should finish it.
Hey, Lionel, heads up.
Catch.
No, thank you.
Pepper and Ronaldo don't allow ball play in the house.
Well, you aren't at Pepper and Ronaldo's house.
This is a fun house.
So Yeah, that's what they call it.
Well, now I feel like throwing something, so, hey, Lionel, heads up.
Catch.
[VASE SHATTERS.]
Uh, I'm sorry.
I told Pepper I couldn't move my arms in this jacket, but he said, "Fit over function.
" - No, you know what? I-It's fine.
- It's fine.
- Things break.
- I'll pay for it.
No, you won't.
We got it for free when we opened a credit card at the gas station.
I insist.
I have traveler's checks in my bag.
No, Lionel, it's f okay.
No, you know what, this is upsetting me.
He dresses the way they tell him to dress.
He eats what they tell him to eat.
I know.
They control his every move, and he clearly feels pressured to go along with it.
That's probably why he keeps telling me how lucky I am to live here.
He said that? Wh Why didn't you tell us? You guys don't leave a lot of space to jump into your conversat You know what this is, Cam? He's obviously jealous of Lily because we allow her to be a kid and have fun.
Imagine how jealous he'll be when he finds out about my horseback-riding lessons.
- Let it go.
- We're not doing that.
You know what I'm in the mood for? And I know it sounds crazy, but waffles.
What the hell? You're right.
You keep me from flying too high.
"Happy early birthday, Mom.
"Love, Alex and Ben.
" Oh, my God.
I know.
Your birthday isn't for six months.
No, Phil! Oh.
Ew.
Mm.
Hey, guys.
Cool painting.
Who did it? [SIGHS.]
Alex and Ben.
Oh, I think I heard them making it last night.
She kept saying he was doing it wrong, but it looks good to me.
I mean, I don't know anything about art, but I know what I like.
- [CRUNCHES.]
- Oh.
I make one comment about Ben's mommy, and Alex does this.
It's aggressive.
I remember when she made a turkey with her handprint.
She's just trying to get some sort of reaction out of me, isn't she? But you're not gonna take the bait, right? - You're bigger than that.
- I don't know, Phil.
This is This is very disrespectful.
I think she needs to be taken down a peg.
So then, you'll just sit her down and talk to her, right? I could do that, maybe over dinner with her and Ben There you go.
I'm proud of you.
a dinner no one will soon forget.
Fine.
But know that I'm having a waffle.
This is what you're doing to our family! [SIREN WAILING.]
JAY: Stop.
You know the rules.
Helmet.
- Off with you.
- [SIREN WAILING.]
GLORIA: Shorty, you're kidding.
I never joke when it comes to fruit.
That miracle in your hand is a half plum, half apricot.
There was a time they could only accomplish that in juice.
- Oh.
- Jay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, sorry, I kind of lost track of time.
Hey, no worries.
Who among us hasn't blown off his best friend he hasn't seen in four years to go fruit shopping? Sounds like somebody could use a Pomegrapefruit Blast.
Blast means "yogurt.
" You've been spending too much time in the jungle.
What you need is a little civilization.
Let's go bowling.
Well, I would love to, but, uh I kind of want to take a nap before we got to the theater.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, you're taking Shorty to the theater? Ah, yes.
I got the tickets for me and Manny, but he can't go and Shorty loves "Wicked.
" He thinks he's a Galinda and his brother an Elphaba.
You know what you're doing, don't you? You're turning Shorty into Manny.
Stop hogging my best friend! Okay, if you're so upset, then you can take him.
But stop saying "best friend.
" You're too old to be using that word.
Hannah from Montana has a best friend.
You don't.
At least my best friend isn't my son.
[ENGINE REVS.]
I'm your best friend, Mom? Yes, Papi.
You are the son that he's talking about.
Look, if he said Lily's lucky to be here, then he's clearly unhappy at Pepper and Ronaldo's.
I mean, w-what kid wouldn't be? I mean, that house is so sterile.
Do you remember when Pepper got made at me and he laid down plastic before throwing a drink in my face? So then, we have to say something.
- [SIGHS.]
- I mean, we're their friends.
We're experienced parents.
There's There's still time for them to change.
No, it's not our place.
Let's just, you know, stay out of it.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- They keep their door unlocked? That's the upside of not having anything worth stealing.
- You're terrible parents.
- [PEPPER GASPS.]
Okay, so, I guess we are saying something.
All right.
Time for some tough love, boys.
Oh, goodness, we feared you two might be into that sort of thing, but we're gonna have to pass.
Oh, you can't possibly think that's what he meant.
No, I'm deflecting! I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, and I'm wildly uncomfortable.
and I'm wildly uncomfortable.
Okay, well, here goes.
Okay, well, here goes.
We think it's great that you adopted Lionel, but We think it's great that you adopted Lionel, but [BOTH GASP.]
[BOTH GASP.]
Okay, a little early for that reaction.
Okay, a little early for that reaction.
I haven't even gotten to say, I haven't even gotten to say, "Stop imposing your fancy ways on that poor child.
" "Stop imposing your fancy ways on that poor child.
" - And hit it.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- And hit it.
- [BOTH GASP.]
Look, we have been at this parenting thing Look, we have been at this parenting thing for a while now, and for a while now, and [SARCASTICALLY.]
Yeah, and Lily is such a delight! [SARCASTICALLY.]
Yeah, and Lily is such a delight! [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sorry, I'm gonna be lashing out for a bit.
Sorry, I'm gonna be lashing out for a bit.
Anyway, um, part of parenting Anyway, um, part of parenting is exposing your children to things that you value.
is exposing your children to things that you value.
You know, art and culture and good food You know, art and culture and good food That's exactly what we're doing.
That's exactly what we're doing.
But it's also about letting them figure out who they are, But it's also about letting them figure out who they are, doing things that they want to do doing things that they want to do even though you don't like 'em.
even though you don't like 'em.
Yeah, he's a kid.
Yeah, he's a kid.
He doesn't want opera at bedtime and caviar on his eggs.
He doesn't want opera at bedtime and caviar on his eggs.
He He wants to play ball and eat Cheetos.
He He wants to play ball and eat Cheetos.
Well, I did see him spit some sashimi into a napkin, Well, I did see him spit some sashimi into a napkin, but I hoped he was just worried about his weight.
but I hoped he was just worried about his weight.
- You know what, let's get outside.
- Yes.
- You know what, let's get outside.
- Yes.
Let's go do something fun and show Lionel Let's go do something fun and show Lionel that it that it's okay to be a kid with you guys.
that it that it's okay to be a kid with you guys.
- What do you say? - Yeah.
- What do you say? - Yeah.
- Get in there.
- It's fine.
- Get in there.
- It's fine.
Okay.
Okay.
[SNIFFS.]
[SNIFFS.]
[CRUNCHES.]
[CRUNCHES.]
[SPITS.]
[SPITS.]
[COUGHS.]
And from what fromagerie [COUGHS.]
And from what fromagerie - You're from Lubbock, Texas.
- [GASPS.]
You son of a bitch! - You're from Lubbock, Texas.
- [GASPS.]
You son of a bitch! PEPPER: Oh, I can't believe no one told me PEPPER: Oh, I can't believe no one told me kickball is performed on grass.
kickball is performed on grass.
I can barely stand Shakespeare in a park.
I can barely stand Shakespeare in a park.
This is not great for your people.
This is not great for your people.
Okay, Lionel, bring me home.
Okay, Lionel, bring me home.
You got this.
You got this.
- Yes, I do, sir.
- [CLAPPING.]
- Yes, I do, sir.
- [CLAPPING.]
MITCHELL: All right.
MITCHELL: All right.
Yeah! Yeah! - Oh, my God, what is happening? - Hit him! - Oh, my God, what is happening? - Hit him! - Pepper, hit him! - Oh! - Pepper, hit him! - Oh! Hit Cam! Hit Cam! Oh, my! Oh, my! You can't possibly think that's what he meant.
You can't possibly think that's what he meant.
Oh! Give me that.
Oh! Give me that.
MITCHELL: Okay.
MITCHELL: Okay.
I was skeptical at first I was skeptical at first because orange is so over right now, because orange is so over right now, but I love it.
but I love it.
You like it, too, Pepper? You like it, too, Pepper? Mm, wonderful.
Mm, wonderful.
I haven't seen this much artificial color I haven't seen this much artificial color since Ted Turner got his hands on "Casablanca.
" since Ted Turner got his hands on "Casablanca.
" Your grandparents grew up in a trailer.
Your grandparents grew up in a trailer.
I hate you.
I hate you.
All right, who's up next? All right, who's up next? - Pepper! - Pepper! - Pepper! - Pepper! Oh.
How many scenes does kickball have? Oh.
How many scenes does kickball have? You can do it, Peppercito! You can do it, Peppercito! Remember, it's just like dancing.
Remember, it's just like dancing.
Dancing.
Dancing.
And five, six, seven, eight, kick! And five, six, seven, eight, kick! Oh! Pepper! Oh! Pepper! Ohh! Oh, I'm hurt! Ohh! Oh, I'm hurt! I'm really hurt! I'm really hurt! Oh, if you two had any money, I'd sue you.
Oh, if you two had any money, I'd sue you.
RONALDO: Mi amor, it's okay.
RONALDO: Mi amor, it's okay.
[SCOFFS.]
It's not okay.
[SCOFFS.]
It's not okay.
I'm out in the wild, schvitzing like a line cook.
I'm out in the wild, schvitzing like a line cook.
It's one humiliation after the next! It's one humiliation after the next! Lionel, sweetheart, I want to be the father you need, Lionel, sweetheart, I want to be the father you need, but this is not me.
but this is not me.
I hate sports and nature and and sherbet I hate sports and nature and and sherbet God, do I hate sherbet! God, do I hate sherbet! There's ice cream and sorbet and nothing in between.
There's ice cream and sorbet and nothing in between.
Just so you know, I don't care about kickball Just so you know, I don't care about kickball or Popsicles or any of that stuff.
or Popsicles or any of that stuff.
I like how we live.
I like how we live.
You do? You do? Lionel, don't feel pressured to say that if you don't mean it.
Lionel, don't feel pressured to say that if you don't mean it.
I mean it.
I mean it.
Backgammon in the study, cheese from France, Backgammon in the study, cheese from France, not a cheetah in sunglasses.
not a cheetah in sunglasses.
Lionel, you're melting my heart.
Lionel, you're melting my heart.
Mine, too, you perfect boy.
Mine, too, you perfect boy.
What made you think I didn't like our life? What made you think I didn't like our life? Well, now, see [STAMMERS.]
Well, now, see [STAMMERS.]
They were forcing you to, and it just seemed to us They were forcing you to, and it just seemed to us It seemed to us It seemed to us You told Lily that she was lucky to live with us.
You told Lily that she was lucky to live with us.
Remember? Remember? I was trying to make her feel better.
I was trying to make her feel better.
I got so much, and she got I got so much, and she got They give her haircuts at home.
They give her haircuts at home.
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
Okay, I took a class.
Okay, I took a class.
They wouldn't even let her take horseback-riding lessons.
They wouldn't even let her take horseback-riding lessons.
- Because it's dangerous.
- Because it's dangerous.
- Because it's dangerous.
- Because it's dangerous.
Or is it because Or is it because you have to drive me across town at 7:00 A.
M.
? you have to drive me across town at 7:00 A.
M.
? I thought good parents I thought good parents were supposed to do things their kids want to do? were supposed to do things their kids want to do? Okay, well, it's not not dangerous, Okay, well, it's not not dangerous, and she's also too young, so and she's also too young, so Cam, come on.
The jig's up.
Cam, come on.
The jig's up.
Yes, Lily, we were we were being selfish, okay? Yes, Lily, we were we were being selfish, okay? You can have your lessons.
You can have your lessons.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can I take horseback-riding lessons with her, too? Can I take horseback-riding lessons with her, too? Anything you want.
Anything you want.
You can swing by and pick him up on your way.
You can swing by and pick him up on your way.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, there.
Hey, there.
Hi, honey.
How are you? Hi, honey.
How are you? Mwah! Good.
Mwah! Good.
- Well, you seem less scary.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Well, you seem less scary.
- [LAUGHS.]
Does this mean we're gonna have a nice, pleasant dinner Does this mean we're gonna have a nice, pleasant dinner with our daughter and her boyfriend? with our daughter and her boyfriend? He give me a little credit.
He give me a little credit.
I worked so hard all day I worked so hard all day just to make sure I got everything ready.
just to make sure I got everything ready.
Oh, come on! Oh, come on! You have got to be kidding me.
You have got to be kidding me.
Well, it turns out Speedy Frame really lives up to its name.
Well, it turns out Speedy Frame really lives up to its name.
ALEX: We're here! ALEX: We're here! Claire, I got you a bottle of pi No! [PINOT.]
Claire, I got you a bottle of pi No! [PINOT.]
Oh, good, you got our gift.
Oh, good, you got our gift.
You gave it to them? You gave it to them? Don't freak out, babe.
That's exactly what she wants.
Don't freak out, babe.
That's exactly what she wants.
Wow, Mom, I really love it there.
Wow, Mom, I really love it there.
Me, too.
Me, too.
Sex painting on the wall means Alex was in her head.
Sex painting on the wall means Alex was in her head.
And I wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.
And I wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.
More green beans? More green beans? Oh, yes.
Don't mind if I do.
Oh, yes.
Don't mind if I do.
I have to admit, I feel slightly uncomfortable.
I have to admit, I feel slightly uncomfortable.
Well, it's getting late.
Well, it's getting late.
It's 7:30.
It's 7:30.
So, Dad, how's work? So, Dad, how's work? No.
We're not gonna sit here and pretend.
No.
We're not gonna sit here and pretend.
We're going to talk about this.
We're going to talk about this.
Your father's right.
Your father's right.
When I saw that painting, I thought When I saw that painting, I thought you're too restrained.
you're too restrained.
- You two need to loosen up a little.
- That's not what I meant.
- You two need to loosen up a little.
- That's not what I meant.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
I appreciate the advice, and that should be an easy fix I appreciate the advice, and that should be an easy fix now that I've come into my own with such a virile partner.
now that I've come into my own with such a virile partner.
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Oh, my God.
Okay, that is enough! Okay, that is enough! Look what you're doing to this poor man, Look what you're doing to this poor man, putting him in the middle of this twisted power struggle putting him in the middle of this twisted power struggle between the two of you! between the two of you! This is exactly what you and your dad always did to me.
This is exactly what you and your dad always did to me.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? The first time I met your dad, The first time I met your dad, who did not approve me, you kept kissing me.
who did not approve me, you kept kissing me.
Or the first time we went away with your family Or the first time we went away with your family to that cabin and you made all those noises.
to that cabin and you made all those noises.
Th-That wasn't about that.
Th-That wasn't about that.
Then where did those noises go, Claire? Then where did those noises go, Claire? I will not stand here while you tear poor Ben down I will not stand here while you tear poor Ben down the way that Jay tore me down, the way that Jay tore me down, and, Ben, were you blue or gold? and, Ben, were you blue or gold? - I need to know.
- I was blue.
- I need to know.
- I was blue.
I wanted to feel like an Avatar.
I wanted to feel like an Avatar.
Ben, I'm sorry.
Ben, I'm sorry.
Phil and Alex are right.
Phil and Alex are right.
You don't deserve to be treated this way.
You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Thank you, Claire.
You know, I Thank you, Claire.
You know, I - Not finished.
I am doing to you - BEN: Oh.
- Not finished.
I am doing to you - BEN: Oh.
exactly what my father did to me and Phil.
exactly what my father did to me and Phil.
No one was good enough for his little girl, and No one was good enough for his little girl, and And I suppose nobody's good enough for mine.
And I suppose nobody's good enough for mine.
But, honey, I've been where you are right now, But, honey, I've been where you are right now, and I'm the last person and I'm the last person who should be making it harder for you.
who should be making it harder for you.
I'm I'm so sorry.
I'm I'm so sorry.
And I'm sorry I left the sex painting for you to find.
And I'm sorry I left the sex painting for you to find.
If it makes you feel any better, If it makes you feel any better, we faked it.
we faked it.
Ben was so freaked out, he couldn't perform.
Ben was so freaked out, he couldn't perform.
Doesn't make me feel any better.
Doesn't make me feel any better.
That helps a lot.
That helps a lot.
BOTH: I do believe I have been changed for the better BOTH: I do believe I have been changed for the better I still don't understand why she's green.
I still don't understand why she's green.
ELPHABA: Because I knew you ELPHABA: Because I knew you GALINDA: Because I knew you GALINDA: Because I knew you Because I knew you Because I knew you I have been cha-a-a-a-a-nged I have been cha-a-a-a-a-nged [VOICE BREAKING.]
They used to be so close.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
They used to be so close.
- You okay? - For good - You okay? - For good - What happened to them? - I don't know.
- What happened to them? - I don't know.
I-I dozed off for a couple of minutes.
I-I dozed off for a couple of minutes.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Damn it.
Damn it.
I should've sent Gloria.
I should've sent Gloria.
[SHORTY SOBBING.]
[SHORTY SOBBING.]
Hey, fella.
Hey, fella.
What happened in there? What happened in there? I'm a fraud, Jay.
I'm a fraud, Jay.
I'm a damn fraud.
I'm a damn fraud.
Come on.
We all cry at weird stuff.
Come on.
We all cry at weird stuff.
For me, it's when boxers hug after a fight.
For me, it's when boxers hug after a fight.
It's not the crying I'm worried about.
It's not the crying I'm worried about.
You were right.
You were right.
You said I would lose everything if I went to Costa Rica, You said I would lose everything if I went to Costa Rica, and I did.
and I did.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I-I-I thought you were a big juice magnate.
I-I-I thought you were a big juice magnate.
Lies! It's all lies, Jay! Lies! It's all lies, Jay! I'm not no juice magnate.
I'm not no juice magnate.
I had a juice stand, and things were okay I had a juice stand, and things were okay until these monkeys got a hold of my knives.
until these monkeys got a hold of my knives.
The lawyer says I can't talk about it.
The lawyer says I can't talk about it.
Then Darlene takes off with this honcho in zip lines Then Darlene takes off with this honcho in zip lines and leaves me.
and leaves me.
That's why I've been avoiding you.
That's why I've been avoiding you.
I'm a disgusting loser! I'm a disgusting loser! Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to? You don't need to be embarrassed.
You don't need to be embarrassed.
But you said, "Don't come crying to me" But you said, "Don't come crying to me" when it all turns to hell when it all turns to hell "and I have to pick up the pieces.
" "and I have to pick up the pieces.
" - You said that! - It's just what you say.
- You said that! - It's just what you say.
Of course I'm gonna pick up the pieces.
Of course I'm gonna pick up the pieces.
What else would I do? What else would I do? - You're my best friend.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- You're my best friend.
- [APPLAUSE.]
And you're my best friend, damn it.
Come on.
And you're my best friend, damn it.
Come on.
I'm better because I knew you.
I'm better because I knew you.
Best friends forever.
Best friends forever.
Yeah, Gloria's right.
I I hear it now.
Yeah, Gloria's right.
I I hear it now.
Manny, open the door.
I know you're in there.
Manny, open the door.
I know you're in there.
Mom, what are you doing here? Mom, what are you doing here? I know that you said that you wanted your space, I know that you said that you wanted your space, but it's so hard on me, okay? but it's so hard on me, okay? So I want a text message So I want a text message at the end of every day telling me that you're okay, at the end of every day telling me that you're okay, and three times a week, a picture of your face and three times a week, a picture of your face so that I can look into your eyes so that I can look into your eyes and see if you're lying to me.
and see if you're lying to me.
Mother, we texted yesterday morning.
Mother, we texted yesterday morning.
No, we didn't.
That was days ago.
No, we didn't.
That was days ago.
Yesterday, at 8:37 A.
M.
, Yesterday, at 8:37 A.
M.
, you asked if I got your care package and said, you asked if I got your care package and said, "Don't tell Jay I gave you a sausage," "Don't tell Jay I gave you a sausage," then you accidentally hit voice memo then you accidentally hit voice memo and I heard you tell Stella to go in the yard and die.
and I heard you tell Stella to go in the yard and die.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just miss you.
I just miss you.
I guess it's not so terrible I guess it's not so terrible if you stop on by every now and then.
if you stop on by every now and then.
Why don't you call him? You call him.
I don't care what he's doing.
I'm trying not to bug him.
He said that he needed some time to adjust to college, so I'm giving him Stop the car! - [TIRES SCREECHING.]
- [ALL SCREAM.]
Why would you do that?! I think that's Shorty.
Shorty and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember.
He and his wife, Darlene, moved to Costa Rica a few years back for, uh I don't know why.
Ruin his life eating beans, fighting malaria, drinking water people bathe in? This.
This is when you sound racist! You come to town and you don't tell me? I ought to punch you in the neck, you son of a bitch.
Jay! I want to kick you in the knee, you stupid idiot! That might not be a thing.
You're a terrible best friend.
Don't yell at me.
I'm only here a couple of days.
It was last-minute.
I was gonna call.
This Joe? You're huge.
Eh, I can be bigger.
What are you doing? Where are you staying? I'm checking in at the hotel over there.
No hotels.
You're as bad with money as you are with pants.
What's going on down there, anyway? These? Palazzos.
Never felt so comfortable.
Everything goes where it wants to go.
[CHUCKLES.]
Shorty, why don't you come and stay with us? You will even get your own room 'cause Manny's off to college.
College?! How's he doing? I wish I knew.
He needed some space.
In the meantime, she sends him a care package the size of a Fiat, which included a pack of my favorite sausage.
I did not put the sausage Well, where did it go, then?! I know what I ate! There's too many things upsetting me right now.
Go get your stuff.
Meet us back at the house.
It's done.
- You got it! - Yes! It's gonna be so nice since Manny's gone to have somebody fun again in the house.
Are you ready for this, big boy? Oh, I'm ready.
And it's gonna get pretty messy.
Mm! So, do you want to be blue or gold? I'll be blue.
'Cause I'm cool Aah! That tickles! Claire recently went to a bachelorette party where they gave everyone a passion painting kit.
The idea is that you and your partner cover one another in paint get down on the canvas.
And then get down on the canvas.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Stop squirming, Phil.
I'm never gonna get this paint on you.
Okay, I'll do you.
You're gonna be so gold, you'll like an Oscar.
[CHUCKLES.]
- So many people to thank.
- Oh, yeah.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Oh, crap, it's Alex.
Just ignore it.
I can't.
What if something's wrong? Hi, honey.
Everything okay? ALEX: Yeah, I'm just, uh, letting you know I'm sleeping at home tonight.
Uh, h-how far away are you? About 20 minutes.
Oh, that leaves 10 minutes for cleanup.
Also, is it okay if, um, Ben stays over tonight? [SIGHS.]
Sure.
I guess if his mommy says it's okay.
[SCOFFS.]
Mom, you don't have to take a shot at Ben every time he comes up.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right, like I wouldn't ask my mom.
I'm really supposed to ignore that? Listen, he is my boyfriend, - and I'm getting really tired of this.
- Oh, calm down.
- It was just a joke.
- Well, it's not funny! When you attack Ben, you attack me.
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
[SIGHS.]
Ugh! Now, where were we? Honey, I kind of think maybe the moment has passed.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Ohh, it's my dad.
What now? Just ignore it.
I can't.
What if something's wrong? - JAY: Hey, honey.
- Hi, Dad.
Shorty's in town! I need that set of golf clubs I gave to Phil.
That bonehead's certainly not putting them to any good use.
Why, Dad? Why do you always have to attack him? Oh, calm down.
It was just a joke.
I'll pick them up in the morning.
He pisses me off so much! Come on! Let's do this! This doesn't feel like it's about me.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.
What? What's been going on with you lately? You look so handsome.
Oh, well, thank you, sweetie.
You know what, I added a serum step to my skin-care regimen.
W-Wait a minute.
You're just angling for horseback-riding lessons, aren't you? - Come on! - No.
You're not gonna become one of those over-scheduled kids that burns out at 13 and wears combat boots to the beach.
I'm the least-busy Asian kid in my school.
Great.
Take the other end of this sheet and help me make up the bed for Lionel.
Lionel's staying here tonight? - Yes.
- Yes.
Pepper and Ronaldo are dropping him off.
Last year, Pepper and Ronaldo told us that they wanted to become parents and were on a quest to acquire Rihanna's eggs.
And we said, "Or, you rich queens", you could provide a home for a child that needs one.
" So they adopted, and we are a little nervous about how it's going because, um, when they first introduced us to Lionel, we could tell that it wasn't a great fit.
Hi, Lionel, it's nice meeting you.
Hey.
Cool shirt.
It's a basketball costume.
Jersey.
Jersey.
Right.
Like "Jersey Boys.
" Okay, somebody fix me a drink.
We just got cheeseburgers out of a window and ate in our car.
Do we have to disclose that when we sell it? It seemed like a bit of a rocky start, but Pepper said it's going well.
Parenting does change you.
You know, before Lily, I could be so dramatic.
- Oh, and I used to be so uptight.
- But look at us now.
Oh, sorry.
Okay, your hand almost went in my mouth.
Come in, come in.
Ohh! I like this! It's a lot better than what was here before.
Uh, our kitchen was there before.
[CHUCKLES.]
Am I being unclear? Okay, well, Lionel, don't you look sharp? It's Burberry from Harrods in London.
Right? Ohh, you wonderful child.
You won't need those flashcards much longer.
Here, for Lionel's stay some snacks, toiletries, a design magazine you two could also flip through.
Okay, so, Lionel, uh, we have you set up here in the den.
That's where the TV is, and Cam tells me that we have a sports package.
That's okay.
I should practice my cursive.
Pepper says penmanship is a lost art.
Yes.
As are thank-you notes, which is why we can only assume you enjoyed our anniversary gift.
Anyway, we have to get to the airport.
How do we say goodbye, Lionel? Au revoir.
Come walk us to the door.
What have they done to him? Turned him into a little black Pepper.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
It's so infuriating.
She treats you like you're not even a man.
Doesn't that bother you? You know, if you please everyone, you're not making enough progress.
Cheryl Sandberg.
Hey, is this garbage? I don't know.
What's in it? Uh, "Passion Painting Erotic Art Kit"? What is that? - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Ew! Gross! Ugh! Uh.
You know what? If she wants to belittle you like you're some child, we are going to use this to show her what kind of man you are.
I don't want to get paint on my T-shirt and socks.
Well, maybe you'll just have to take them off for this one.
Morning! How's my guy? Awful.
I had a zillion nightmares.
I was talking to Shorty, but gee, that's rough.
Hey, let's have breakfast at my club today.
We do a thing on Friday called "Yesterday's Potatoes.
" They take last night's French fries and make 'em into today's home fries, and last night's fries were fantastic.
Sounds delicious, but, uh, Gloria already cooked.
Two poached eggs, chorizo, and a croissant with blackberry jam.
- Yes! - Manny's favorite.
Geez, why don't you just call him? I made it out of habit.
But thankfully, Shorty loved it.
Didn't you, Papi? Okay, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you get out of those pajamas What pajamas? and then come sit while I Those aren't pajamas? No.
Actually, Gloria and I are gonna go to the farmer's market after we drop Joe off at school.
Why? It's kind of work-related.
Your friend has a very successful juice business in Costa Rica.
They call me the Fruit King.
They must have seen the outfit.
I'll tell you what.
I got a little thing this morning at the office.
Why don't we meet back here at 1:00 for a little best-friend catch-up? Deal? Deal.
Sounds good.
You know what doesn't sound good? One grown man calling another grown man his best friend.
She doesn't get us.
See you, buddy.
What is that? Crostini with edamame puree.
Pepper says anyone who's still doing tomato-basil missed the boat, or should have.
Hey, Lionel, you don't have to eat that stuff they brought for you.
We We won't tell.
Ch Pop a Cheeto.
Be a kid.
But the guys went to the trouble of making Rosa make this for me.
I should finish it.
Hey, Lionel, heads up.
Catch.
No, thank you.
Pepper and Ronaldo don't allow ball play in the house.
Well, you aren't at Pepper and Ronaldo's house.
This is a fun house.
So Yeah, that's what they call it.
Well, now I feel like throwing something, so, hey, Lionel, heads up.
Catch.
[VASE SHATTERS.]
Uh, I'm sorry.
I told Pepper I couldn't move my arms in this jacket, but he said, "Fit over function.
" - No, you know what? I-It's fine.
- It's fine.
- Things break.
- I'll pay for it.
No, you won't.
We got it for free when we opened a credit card at the gas station.
I insist.
I have traveler's checks in my bag.
No, Lionel, it's f okay.
No, you know what, this is upsetting me.
He dresses the way they tell him to dress.
He eats what they tell him to eat.
I know.
They control his every move, and he clearly feels pressured to go along with it.
That's probably why he keeps telling me how lucky I am to live here.
He said that? Wh Why didn't you tell us? You guys don't leave a lot of space to jump into your conversat You know what this is, Cam? He's obviously jealous of Lily because we allow her to be a kid and have fun.
Imagine how jealous he'll be when he finds out about my horseback-riding lessons.
- Let it go.
- We're not doing that.
You know what I'm in the mood for? And I know it sounds crazy, but waffles.
What the hell? You're right.
You keep me from flying too high.
"Happy early birthday, Mom.
"Love, Alex and Ben.
" Oh, my God.
I know.
Your birthday isn't for six months.
No, Phil! Oh.
Ew.
Mm.
Hey, guys.
Cool painting.
Who did it? [SIGHS.]
Alex and Ben.
Oh, I think I heard them making it last night.
She kept saying he was doing it wrong, but it looks good to me.
I mean, I don't know anything about art, but I know what I like.
- [CRUNCHES.]
- Oh.
I make one comment about Ben's mommy, and Alex does this.
It's aggressive.
I remember when she made a turkey with her handprint.
She's just trying to get some sort of reaction out of me, isn't she? But you're not gonna take the bait, right? - You're bigger than that.
- I don't know, Phil.
This is This is very disrespectful.
I think she needs to be taken down a peg.
So then, you'll just sit her down and talk to her, right? I could do that, maybe over dinner with her and Ben There you go.
I'm proud of you.
a dinner no one will soon forget.
Fine.
But know that I'm having a waffle.
This is what you're doing to our family! [SIREN WAILING.]
JAY: Stop.
You know the rules.
Helmet.
- Off with you.
- [SIREN WAILING.]
GLORIA: Shorty, you're kidding.
I never joke when it comes to fruit.
That miracle in your hand is a half plum, half apricot.
There was a time they could only accomplish that in juice.
- Oh.
- Jay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, sorry, I kind of lost track of time.
Hey, no worries.
Who among us hasn't blown off his best friend he hasn't seen in four years to go fruit shopping? Sounds like somebody could use a Pomegrapefruit Blast.
Blast means "yogurt.
" You've been spending too much time in the jungle.
What you need is a little civilization.
Let's go bowling.
Well, I would love to, but, uh I kind of want to take a nap before we got to the theater.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, you're taking Shorty to the theater? Ah, yes.
I got the tickets for me and Manny, but he can't go and Shorty loves "Wicked.
" He thinks he's a Galinda and his brother an Elphaba.
You know what you're doing, don't you? You're turning Shorty into Manny.
Stop hogging my best friend! Okay, if you're so upset, then you can take him.
But stop saying "best friend.
" You're too old to be using that word.
Hannah from Montana has a best friend.
You don't.
At least my best friend isn't my son.
[ENGINE REVS.]
I'm your best friend, Mom? Yes, Papi.
You are the son that he's talking about.
Look, if he said Lily's lucky to be here, then he's clearly unhappy at Pepper and Ronaldo's.
I mean, w-what kid wouldn't be? I mean, that house is so sterile.
Do you remember when Pepper got made at me and he laid down plastic before throwing a drink in my face? So then, we have to say something.
- [SIGHS.]
- I mean, we're their friends.
We're experienced parents.
There's There's still time for them to change.
No, it's not our place.
Let's just, you know, stay out of it.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- They keep their door unlocked? That's the upside of not having anything worth stealing.
- You're terrible parents.
- [PEPPER GASPS.]
Okay, so, I guess we are saying something.
All right.
Time for some tough love, boys.
Oh, goodness, we feared you two might be into that sort of thing, but we're gonna have to pass.
Oh, you can't possibly think that's what he meant.
No, I'm deflecting! I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, and I'm wildly uncomfortable.
and I'm wildly uncomfortable.
Okay, well, here goes.
Okay, well, here goes.
We think it's great that you adopted Lionel, but We think it's great that you adopted Lionel, but [BOTH GASP.]
[BOTH GASP.]
Okay, a little early for that reaction.
Okay, a little early for that reaction.
I haven't even gotten to say, I haven't even gotten to say, "Stop imposing your fancy ways on that poor child.
" "Stop imposing your fancy ways on that poor child.
" - And hit it.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- And hit it.
- [BOTH GASP.]
Look, we have been at this parenting thing Look, we have been at this parenting thing for a while now, and for a while now, and [SARCASTICALLY.]
Yeah, and Lily is such a delight! [SARCASTICALLY.]
Yeah, and Lily is such a delight! [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sorry, I'm gonna be lashing out for a bit.
Sorry, I'm gonna be lashing out for a bit.
Anyway, um, part of parenting Anyway, um, part of parenting is exposing your children to things that you value.
is exposing your children to things that you value.
You know, art and culture and good food You know, art and culture and good food That's exactly what we're doing.
That's exactly what we're doing.
But it's also about letting them figure out who they are, But it's also about letting them figure out who they are, doing things that they want to do doing things that they want to do even though you don't like 'em.
even though you don't like 'em.
Yeah, he's a kid.
Yeah, he's a kid.
He doesn't want opera at bedtime and caviar on his eggs.
He doesn't want opera at bedtime and caviar on his eggs.
He He wants to play ball and eat Cheetos.
He He wants to play ball and eat Cheetos.
Well, I did see him spit some sashimi into a napkin, Well, I did see him spit some sashimi into a napkin, but I hoped he was just worried about his weight.
but I hoped he was just worried about his weight.
- You know what, let's get outside.
- Yes.
- You know what, let's get outside.
- Yes.
Let's go do something fun and show Lionel Let's go do something fun and show Lionel that it that it's okay to be a kid with you guys.
that it that it's okay to be a kid with you guys.
- What do you say? - Yeah.
- What do you say? - Yeah.
- Get in there.
- It's fine.
- Get in there.
- It's fine.
Okay.
Okay.
[SNIFFS.]
[SNIFFS.]
[CRUNCHES.]
[CRUNCHES.]
[SPITS.]
[SPITS.]
[COUGHS.]
And from what fromagerie [COUGHS.]
And from what fromagerie - You're from Lubbock, Texas.
- [GASPS.]
You son of a bitch! - You're from Lubbock, Texas.
- [GASPS.]
You son of a bitch! PEPPER: Oh, I can't believe no one told me PEPPER: Oh, I can't believe no one told me kickball is performed on grass.
kickball is performed on grass.
I can barely stand Shakespeare in a park.
I can barely stand Shakespeare in a park.
This is not great for your people.
This is not great for your people.
Okay, Lionel, bring me home.
Okay, Lionel, bring me home.
You got this.
You got this.
- Yes, I do, sir.
- [CLAPPING.]
- Yes, I do, sir.
- [CLAPPING.]
MITCHELL: All right.
MITCHELL: All right.
Yeah! Yeah! - Oh, my God, what is happening? - Hit him! - Oh, my God, what is happening? - Hit him! - Pepper, hit him! - Oh! - Pepper, hit him! - Oh! Hit Cam! Hit Cam! Oh, my! Oh, my! You can't possibly think that's what he meant.
You can't possibly think that's what he meant.
Oh! Give me that.
Oh! Give me that.
MITCHELL: Okay.
MITCHELL: Okay.
I was skeptical at first I was skeptical at first because orange is so over right now, because orange is so over right now, but I love it.
but I love it.
You like it, too, Pepper? You like it, too, Pepper? Mm, wonderful.
Mm, wonderful.
I haven't seen this much artificial color I haven't seen this much artificial color since Ted Turner got his hands on "Casablanca.
" since Ted Turner got his hands on "Casablanca.
" Your grandparents grew up in a trailer.
Your grandparents grew up in a trailer.
I hate you.
I hate you.
All right, who's up next? All right, who's up next? - Pepper! - Pepper! - Pepper! - Pepper! Oh.
How many scenes does kickball have? Oh.
How many scenes does kickball have? You can do it, Peppercito! You can do it, Peppercito! Remember, it's just like dancing.
Remember, it's just like dancing.
Dancing.
Dancing.
And five, six, seven, eight, kick! And five, six, seven, eight, kick! Oh! Pepper! Oh! Pepper! Ohh! Oh, I'm hurt! Ohh! Oh, I'm hurt! I'm really hurt! I'm really hurt! Oh, if you two had any money, I'd sue you.
Oh, if you two had any money, I'd sue you.
RONALDO: Mi amor, it's okay.
RONALDO: Mi amor, it's okay.
[SCOFFS.]
It's not okay.
[SCOFFS.]
It's not okay.
I'm out in the wild, schvitzing like a line cook.
I'm out in the wild, schvitzing like a line cook.
It's one humiliation after the next! It's one humiliation after the next! Lionel, sweetheart, I want to be the father you need, Lionel, sweetheart, I want to be the father you need, but this is not me.
but this is not me.
I hate sports and nature and and sherbet I hate sports and nature and and sherbet God, do I hate sherbet! God, do I hate sherbet! There's ice cream and sorbet and nothing in between.
There's ice cream and sorbet and nothing in between.
Just so you know, I don't care about kickball Just so you know, I don't care about kickball or Popsicles or any of that stuff.
or Popsicles or any of that stuff.
I like how we live.
I like how we live.
You do? You do? Lionel, don't feel pressured to say that if you don't mean it.
Lionel, don't feel pressured to say that if you don't mean it.
I mean it.
I mean it.
Backgammon in the study, cheese from France, Backgammon in the study, cheese from France, not a cheetah in sunglasses.
not a cheetah in sunglasses.
Lionel, you're melting my heart.
Lionel, you're melting my heart.
Mine, too, you perfect boy.
Mine, too, you perfect boy.
What made you think I didn't like our life? What made you think I didn't like our life? Well, now, see [STAMMERS.]
Well, now, see [STAMMERS.]
They were forcing you to, and it just seemed to us They were forcing you to, and it just seemed to us It seemed to us It seemed to us You told Lily that she was lucky to live with us.
You told Lily that she was lucky to live with us.
Remember? Remember? I was trying to make her feel better.
I was trying to make her feel better.
I got so much, and she got I got so much, and she got They give her haircuts at home.
They give her haircuts at home.
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
Okay, I took a class.
Okay, I took a class.
They wouldn't even let her take horseback-riding lessons.
They wouldn't even let her take horseback-riding lessons.
- Because it's dangerous.
- Because it's dangerous.
- Because it's dangerous.
- Because it's dangerous.
Or is it because Or is it because you have to drive me across town at 7:00 A.
M.
? you have to drive me across town at 7:00 A.
M.
? I thought good parents I thought good parents were supposed to do things their kids want to do? were supposed to do things their kids want to do? Okay, well, it's not not dangerous, Okay, well, it's not not dangerous, and she's also too young, so and she's also too young, so Cam, come on.
The jig's up.
Cam, come on.
The jig's up.
Yes, Lily, we were we were being selfish, okay? Yes, Lily, we were we were being selfish, okay? You can have your lessons.
You can have your lessons.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can I take horseback-riding lessons with her, too? Can I take horseback-riding lessons with her, too? Anything you want.
Anything you want.
You can swing by and pick him up on your way.
You can swing by and pick him up on your way.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, there.
Hey, there.
Hi, honey.
How are you? Hi, honey.
How are you? Mwah! Good.
Mwah! Good.
- Well, you seem less scary.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Well, you seem less scary.
- [LAUGHS.]
Does this mean we're gonna have a nice, pleasant dinner Does this mean we're gonna have a nice, pleasant dinner with our daughter and her boyfriend? with our daughter and her boyfriend? He give me a little credit.
He give me a little credit.
I worked so hard all day I worked so hard all day just to make sure I got everything ready.
just to make sure I got everything ready.
Oh, come on! Oh, come on! You have got to be kidding me.
You have got to be kidding me.
Well, it turns out Speedy Frame really lives up to its name.
Well, it turns out Speedy Frame really lives up to its name.
ALEX: We're here! ALEX: We're here! Claire, I got you a bottle of pi No! [PINOT.]
Claire, I got you a bottle of pi No! [PINOT.]
Oh, good, you got our gift.
Oh, good, you got our gift.
You gave it to them? You gave it to them? Don't freak out, babe.
That's exactly what she wants.
Don't freak out, babe.
That's exactly what she wants.
Wow, Mom, I really love it there.
Wow, Mom, I really love it there.
Me, too.
Me, too.
Sex painting on the wall means Alex was in her head.
Sex painting on the wall means Alex was in her head.
And I wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.
And I wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.
I don't know where that came from.
I don't know where that came from.
More green beans? More green beans? Oh, yes.
Don't mind if I do.
Oh, yes.
Don't mind if I do.
I have to admit, I feel slightly uncomfortable.
I have to admit, I feel slightly uncomfortable.
Well, it's getting late.
Well, it's getting late.
It's 7:30.
It's 7:30.
So, Dad, how's work? So, Dad, how's work? No.
We're not gonna sit here and pretend.
No.
We're not gonna sit here and pretend.
We're going to talk about this.
We're going to talk about this.
Your father's right.
Your father's right.
When I saw that painting, I thought When I saw that painting, I thought you're too restrained.
you're too restrained.
- You two need to loosen up a little.
- That's not what I meant.
- You two need to loosen up a little.
- That's not what I meant.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
I appreciate the advice, and that should be an easy fix I appreciate the advice, and that should be an easy fix now that I've come into my own with such a virile partner.
now that I've come into my own with such a virile partner.
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Oh, my God.
Okay, that is enough! Okay, that is enough! Look what you're doing to this poor man, Look what you're doing to this poor man, putting him in the middle of this twisted power struggle putting him in the middle of this twisted power struggle between the two of you! between the two of you! This is exactly what you and your dad always did to me.
This is exactly what you and your dad always did to me.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? The first time I met your dad, The first time I met your dad, who did not approve me, you kept kissing me.
who did not approve me, you kept kissing me.
Or the first time we went away with your family Or the first time we went away with your family to that cabin and you made all those noises.
to that cabin and you made all those noises.
Th-That wasn't about that.
Th-That wasn't about that.
Then where did those noises go, Claire? Then where did those noises go, Claire? I will not stand here while you tear poor Ben down I will not stand here while you tear poor Ben down the way that Jay tore me down, the way that Jay tore me down, and, Ben, were you blue or gold? and, Ben, were you blue or gold? - I need to know.
- I was blue.
- I need to know.
- I was blue.
I wanted to feel like an Avatar.
I wanted to feel like an Avatar.
Ben, I'm sorry.
Ben, I'm sorry.
Phil and Alex are right.
Phil and Alex are right.
You don't deserve to be treated this way.
You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Thank you, Claire.
You know, I Thank you, Claire.
You know, I - Not finished.
I am doing to you - BEN: Oh.
- Not finished.
I am doing to you - BEN: Oh.
exactly what my father did to me and Phil.
exactly what my father did to me and Phil.
No one was good enough for his little girl, and No one was good enough for his little girl, and And I suppose nobody's good enough for mine.
And I suppose nobody's good enough for mine.
But, honey, I've been where you are right now, But, honey, I've been where you are right now, and I'm the last person and I'm the last person who should be making it harder for you.
who should be making it harder for you.
I'm I'm so sorry.
I'm I'm so sorry.
And I'm sorry I left the sex painting for you to find.
And I'm sorry I left the sex painting for you to find.
If it makes you feel any better, If it makes you feel any better, we faked it.
we faked it.
Ben was so freaked out, he couldn't perform.
Ben was so freaked out, he couldn't perform.
Doesn't make me feel any better.
Doesn't make me feel any better.
That helps a lot.
That helps a lot.
BOTH: I do believe I have been changed for the better BOTH: I do believe I have been changed for the better I still don't understand why she's green.
I still don't understand why she's green.
ELPHABA: Because I knew you ELPHABA: Because I knew you GALINDA: Because I knew you GALINDA: Because I knew you Because I knew you Because I knew you I have been cha-a-a-a-a-nged I have been cha-a-a-a-a-nged [VOICE BREAKING.]
They used to be so close.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
They used to be so close.
- You okay? - For good - You okay? - For good - What happened to them? - I don't know.
- What happened to them? - I don't know.
I-I dozed off for a couple of minutes.
I-I dozed off for a couple of minutes.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Damn it.
Damn it.
I should've sent Gloria.
I should've sent Gloria.
[SHORTY SOBBING.]
[SHORTY SOBBING.]
Hey, fella.
Hey, fella.
What happened in there? What happened in there? I'm a fraud, Jay.
I'm a fraud, Jay.
I'm a damn fraud.
I'm a damn fraud.
Come on.
We all cry at weird stuff.
Come on.
We all cry at weird stuff.
For me, it's when boxers hug after a fight.
For me, it's when boxers hug after a fight.
It's not the crying I'm worried about.
It's not the crying I'm worried about.
You were right.
You were right.
You said I would lose everything if I went to Costa Rica, You said I would lose everything if I went to Costa Rica, and I did.
and I did.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I-I-I thought you were a big juice magnate.
I-I-I thought you were a big juice magnate.
Lies! It's all lies, Jay! Lies! It's all lies, Jay! I'm not no juice magnate.
I'm not no juice magnate.
I had a juice stand, and things were okay I had a juice stand, and things were okay until these monkeys got a hold of my knives.
until these monkeys got a hold of my knives.
The lawyer says I can't talk about it.
The lawyer says I can't talk about it.
Then Darlene takes off with this honcho in zip lines Then Darlene takes off with this honcho in zip lines and leaves me.
and leaves me.
That's why I've been avoiding you.
That's why I've been avoiding you.
I'm a disgusting loser! I'm a disgusting loser! Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to? You don't need to be embarrassed.
You don't need to be embarrassed.
But you said, "Don't come crying to me" But you said, "Don't come crying to me" when it all turns to hell when it all turns to hell "and I have to pick up the pieces.
" "and I have to pick up the pieces.
" - You said that! - It's just what you say.
- You said that! - It's just what you say.
Of course I'm gonna pick up the pieces.
Of course I'm gonna pick up the pieces.
What else would I do? What else would I do? - You're my best friend.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- You're my best friend.
- [APPLAUSE.]
And you're my best friend, damn it.
Come on.
And you're my best friend, damn it.
Come on.
I'm better because I knew you.
I'm better because I knew you.
Best friends forever.
Best friends forever.
Yeah, Gloria's right.
I I hear it now.
Yeah, Gloria's right.
I I hear it now.
Manny, open the door.
I know you're in there.
Manny, open the door.
I know you're in there.
Mom, what are you doing here? Mom, what are you doing here? I know that you said that you wanted your space, I know that you said that you wanted your space, but it's so hard on me, okay? but it's so hard on me, okay? So I want a text message So I want a text message at the end of every day telling me that you're okay, at the end of every day telling me that you're okay, and three times a week, a picture of your face and three times a week, a picture of your face so that I can look into your eyes so that I can look into your eyes and see if you're lying to me.
and see if you're lying to me.
Mother, we texted yesterday morning.
Mother, we texted yesterday morning.
No, we didn't.
That was days ago.
No, we didn't.
That was days ago.
Yesterday, at 8:37 A.
M.
, Yesterday, at 8:37 A.
M.
, you asked if I got your care package and said, you asked if I got your care package and said, "Don't tell Jay I gave you a sausage," "Don't tell Jay I gave you a sausage," then you accidentally hit voice memo then you accidentally hit voice memo and I heard you tell Stella to go in the yard and die.
and I heard you tell Stella to go in the yard and die.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just miss you.
I just miss you.
I guess it's not so terrible I guess it's not so terrible if you stop on by every now and then.
if you stop on by every now and then.