The Middle s09e04 Episode Script

1 [SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS.]
FRANKIE: Out here in the middle, we usually feel pretty safe.
But there's one day of the year you never know what's lurking outside your door.
Dad, the door's still sticking! You gotta fix it! It is fixed.
What are you doing here? - [MICROFICHE WHIRRING.]
- Mom knew I was coming.
You're gonna be here for Halloween? Wouldn't you rather be up at school? Mom knows I hate being at school for Halloween.
Don't you guys ever talk? Mom knows I hate talking.
Well, don't worry.
My Halloween is gonna be great.
I am going to a party with Axl and Lexie.
I'm gonna be hanging with my brother and best friend.
How cool is that! You know, I kinda thought it might be weird and all when they started dating, but it's been great! We all go out for Thai food, impromptu board game nights.
Plus, whenever Lexie's around, Axl never farts on my head.
Well, looks like I'll be staying in on the night of mischief.
Oh, there is a party.
But I can't go 'cause Cindy will be there.
Also, I was not invited.
Seriously, Brick, why did you ever break up with her? I was in a rut.
I wanted to be free to sow my wild oats to really cut loose! [MICROFICHE WHIRRING.]
Mike, you gotta see this! Do I? I was finally filing the last of the soggy papers from the flood, and I found the old deed to our house.
So I'm flipping through the disclosure statements.
Listen.
"Cracked foundation," which we knew, "dangerous wiring," which we knew.
And then this.
"Disclosure number three Death occurred on the premises.
" Oh, my God! Can you believe this?! How did we not know about this? Someone died in our house.
I knew.
What do you mean, you knew? The Realtor told me.
I didn't tell you 'cause I knew you'd freak out.
Yeah, I'd freak out! Someone died in our house! I can't believe you hid this from me.
Did you ever think that maybe that's why all these creepy things keep happening around here? Candles blowing out, cabinets that don't close, my bruise that never goes away! I thought that was gone.
Oh, it's back.
Feast your eyes.
You don't have to show me.
See, this is exactly why I didn't tell ya.
I knew you'd make a big deal out of it.
Besides, that death was two owners ago.
How do we even know it really happened? Oh, it happened.
"A woman was found dead Sunday afternoon in her home at 427 Birchwood Avenue.
" It's here in the Orson Herald March 17, 1969.
Let me see.
Let me see.
[SIGHS.]
Read it to me.
I don't have my glasses.
"The body of Claudia Rose Tucker, age 40" Ooh, she was so young.
And how sad is it that I said 40 was so young? Go on.
"was found March 16th by her husband, who called for an ambulance when she was found unresponsive in her bathtub.
" Ew! Not my bathtub! [SIGHS.]
Why couldn't it be the laundry room? I already hate it in there.
"She is survived by her husband, Henry, and sister, Sylvia Hammond.
The county coroner will conduct a full autopsy and" Oh, my God! What? What?! They put an apostrophe "S" in "paramedics.
" That's not possessive, that's plural! Who was proofing the Herald back then? You know what, Mike? I don't know what upsets me more a dead body in my bathtub or you not telling me about it.
Or the apostrophe! Look, I'm sorry for not telling you.
But we had $5 to our name and Axl was on the way, so it was either this house or the one with the woman who raised all the rats and called them her babies.
Just promise you're not gonna get all crazy with this.
I won't, but I won't be stepping foot again in that bathroom.
Brick, you're gonna have to share the death bathroom with your dad.
Plan accordingly, Mike.
He's a reader.
[DOORKNOB RATTLES.]
Oh, good, you're home.
Listen, we found some more articles on Claudia Tucker, and I'm telling you, it's all a little suspicious.
Something doesn't add up.
I just came through the door.
No, no, listen.
They assigned a detective to her case.
You don't assign a detective when someone just drowns in her bathtub.
I don't know.
It sounds to me like murder.
I thought you said you weren't gonna obsess about this.
I'm not obsessing.
Brick and I have just been - workin' the 'fiche all day.
- Workin' the 'fiche? We're scanning news stories relevant to our case.
What case? When you open an investigation, you call it a case and give it a number.
We're calling it "One.
" Brick, write this name down "Detective Philip Strickland.
" Ooh! They questioned the husband again.
Okay, I'm tellin' ya, Mike.
I think it's murder, and I think maybe the husband did it.
It's always the husband.
Gee, I wonder why.
Listen, I know it sounds crazy, but read the article for yourself.
And who knows? Maybe if we solve this mystery, Claudia's soul will finally rest in peace, the curse will be lifted from our house, and my bruise will go away.
Now, Henry said she drowned in the tub after church, while he was golfing.
And I'm no fan of sport, but isn't March a little early for golfing? MIKE: Uh, if you guys had kept reading, there's an article from a week later that says the death was ruled "accidental drowning due to cardiac arrest.
" No foul play.
Case closed.
[SIGHS.]
Shoot.
I was gonna impress Cindy by solving a murder.
Guess I'll have to continue my old plan of calling and hanging up when she answers.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Whoa! Brick is on the couch, Dad's on the microfiche? If you guys were gonna switch bodies, you should've waited till I came home so at least one of you had a shot at trading up.
[LAUGHS.]
LEXIE: Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Heck! My mom and dad say hi.
They want you to come to the Colorado house.
Do you have dates? Did you get dates?! Wow, my eyes aren't itching.
I think I've been here enough times to finally build up a tolerance to your house.
Oh.
Hey! What happened? I thought you guys were gonna be here at 6:00.
It's 6:01.
Yeah, I know.
Just text me if you're gonna be late.
So [SIGHS.]
what're we talking about? Nothing.
We just got here.
Well, we were kinda talking about our costumes for the party.
Oh, right! So, what are you guys thinking? I don't know, something cute and fun like salt and pepper? [GASPS.]
I like it! And I can be cinnamon.
Or peanut better and jelly.
[GASPS.]
And bananas.
Or maybe like a couple's thing, you know, like a Romeo and Juliet.
And the poison! You know what, we can figure this out later.
- I'm hungry.
- Yes.
Aww, I already ate.
BOTH: Aww.
So I'll just come and hang out.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- KIDS: Trick or treat! So, Halloween finally arrived, and the ghost of Claudia Tucker was still cursing our house.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
- Hang on.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
- [DOORKNOB RATTLES.]
Hang on.
KIDS: Thank you! You're welcome.
- GIRL: I'm a princess! - I'll take your word for it.
We should've thought of that years ago.
[SIGHS.]
Hi, I'm Donny! And I'm Marie! - [LAUGHS.]
- Welcome to the show! Tonight's guests are Ruth Buzzi whoever that is Paul Lynde whoever that is and Lassie! [LAUGHS.]
I'm surprised you even know who Donny & Marie are.
Well, we were looking up famous couples for a costume, and we found them on YouTube.
And I thought that Axl would make a pretty cute Donny.
And you're an even cuter Marie.
Mm! Y-You do know they're brother and sister, right? What? No, they're not.
They got the same last name.
Yeah, 'cause they're brother and sister.
But we chose them because Sonny and Cher got divorced, and they stayed together.
Because they're brother and sister.
Whatever, I don't care! We're out of here.
Wait, wait.
Wait for me! [GASPS.]
[LAUGHS.]
You can't have Donny & Marie without me! Who are you? I'm the third wheel.
[LAUGHS.]
Get it? W-Wait, you know you're the third wheel? Uh, yeah.
It's hilarious! They're the couple, and I am the person who's always hanging around with them.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, so guys ready to go to the party? Um, actually, we're not sure if we're gonna go.
Lexie and I might just chill here.
Oh, okay.
Then I won't go either.
But we might go.
Oh! So then, let's go! Sue, it's okay.
You don't have to do what we do.
Uh, yes I do.
I am the third wheel.
Otherwise I'm just a wheel.
That makes no sense.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, so what do you guys wanna do? Guess we might as well go to that party.
Whoo-hoo! Okay, who wants to drive? Somebody else should probably take the wheel.
You guys ready to roll? [LAUGHS.]
I've got a million of these.
That's not true.
I've got 17.
Yeah.
[HUMMING.]
Okay.
Mom, I know you're gonna think I'm crazy, but something's really bothering me about the Claudia Tucker Case.
No, I don't think you're crazy.
Something's been bothering me, too.
You go first.
Okay.
So, I was thinking, maybe there's a pattern to her water usage.
Did Claudia usually take a bath on Sunday, or was she bathed against her will, A.
K.
A.
murdered? So I put in a call to Orson Water and Power to check their records for 1969.
Still waiting to hear back.
What do you got? Well, I noticed this weird discrepancy.
Claudia's death date in the news article is different than the one in her obituary.
Oooh.
Wait, what? I was thinking of my thing.
Say it again.
In the original article, it says she died on March 16th.
But in her obituary, the date is March 18th.
Why is it two days later? Could've just been a misprint.
Or follow me here maybe her husband lied to the press to cover his tracks.
Interesting.
And how about this? Maybe the newspaper was in on it.
Of course! We already know the Herald can't be trusted to do thorough copy-editing.
But how do we know which date is right? What do you think her gravestone says? There's only one way to find out.
Really? We're going to a cemetery on Halloween night? We have to! This case is really firing up.
And this house needs to be at peace.
You know, I feel like Claudia is leading us with all these clues.
And I'm telling you, Brick, your dad can scoff all he wants, but a woman was murdered.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
BOTH: Aaahh! I'm sorry, Frankie.
I'm out trick-or-treating with the kids.
Could I use your bathroom? [BOTH SIGH.]
No problem, Sara.
Use the one in the hall.
BRICK: Haven't we already been down this row? It'd be a lot easier if people died alphabetically.
It's called legwork, Brick.
You gotta put in the time.
Oh, look, a dog.
Wait, I thought you said pets couldn't be buried in the cemetery! None of my hamsters got a proper burial.
They're all in the backyard Bitey 1, Bitey 2, Bitey 3 Okay, let's speed this up.
I'm getting tired.
Usually "Castle's" wrapping up by now.
I found it! What? It says here she died March 18th, not the 16th.
Aha! So that means wait, what does that mean again? Maybe the husband fudged the date for insurance purposes.
Maybe he needed a couple extra days to draft a fake will.
Or maybe he Brick? Uh, Mom? Come here.
What? What? "Henry August Tucker, 1927 to 2002.
" That's Claudia's husband.
That's weird.
Why isn't he buried next to his wife? But he is.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
BOTH: Ooh! Henry Tucker got remarried! Do you think That Henry murdered Claudia so he could marry someone else? Uh, yeah! Looks like Biteys aren't the only ones who can be replaced.
"Sylvia Hammond Tucker" That sounds familiar.
That's the name of Claudia's sister! And look, there's no death date.
She's still alive! Aaahh! Oh, wait, that's okay.
I'll tell you something, Brick.
I think we've been following the wrong leads.
Maybe the murder-er is really a murder-ess.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
I told that Uber guy we could all fit.
I don't know why you thought we should take two cars.
Yeah.
I just had to go 'cause my jumpsuit was riding up, but you totally could've stayed.
Why would I stay? I was only there for you guys! So, what should we do now? Uh, actually, we were thinking [GASPS.]
Ooh, should we watch a movie? I can make popcorn.
Sure.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Okay, great.
[WHISPERING.]
What are you doing? [WHISPERING.]
I didn't know what to do.
I don't wanna hurt her feelings.
But we discussed this.
SUE: I'll be right in there! I can't reach the popcorn.
[GASPS.]
I'll make oatmeal.
What? Axl, what are you doing? We're in your parents' house.
I just wanted to go somewhere where Sue won't find us.
I can't take it anymore! You gotta say something to her! Me?! You say something! What? No, I can't.
I'm the brother.
If I tell her to stop hanging out with us, I'm the jerk.
And I'm always the jerk.
You gotta do it.
But she's my friend.
And I like when we all hang out, just not all the time.
Well, someone's gotta say something.
[SIGHS.]
You know, this is the first time we've been alone in weeks.
Well I don't care if you're my brother.
You're so hot.
Who cares if this is the death tub? Wait, what? Hmm? Oh.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that.
So, this is Sylvia's house? I gotta say, "Sylvia" doesn't sound like a murderer's name.
That's how she got away with it all these years.
Remember, don't lead the facts.
Let the facts lead you.
So, what's the plan here? You can't just knock on someone's door.
You can on Halloween.
BOTH: Trick or treat! Oh! Happy Halloween! Where are your bags and your costumes? Well, we are in costume.
I'm a haggard mom, and he's my weird son.
Really, Mom, weird? You had to go there? [MUMBLING.]
Don't eat that.
She's a murderer.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Um, so, yeah, it's funny, you know? We were just trick-or-treating that's why we're here and we were gonna bring his siblings, but you know how siblings are.
Don't get along, always fighting.
Sometimes don't you just wanna kill 'em? Oh, well, I don't have any siblings anymore.
Oh! Tell me about her.
Or him, or him/her.
They're popular now.
Oh.
Well, I did have a sister, but you don't want to hear an old woman's stories.
Well, sure, we do! We know you're marginalized and forgotten by society, but we're here to listen! Please, we would love to hear about Claudia.
Did I say her name was Claudia? Yes, you did.
You're old.
You just don't remember.
Oh.
Well, Claudia was my older sister.
But she died.
Must be 50 years ago now.
And Henry that was her husband he loved her so much.
And when she passed away so suddenly, he was just heartbroken.
Was he? Oh! Well, we both were.
Were you? Oh, yes.
I don't think we ever really got over losing Claudia.
You see, she was born with a bad heart.
And all of her life, Claudia's only wish was that she would make it to age of 40.
Well, you can imagine how upset we were when her heart gave out just a couple of days before her 40th birthday.
Henry even told the paper that she died two days after she did just so that she could get to 40.
Oh, and after she passed, I was a mess, but Henry, well, he really took it hard.
[SIGHS.]
I guess that's what brought us together.
And then, before we knew it, nine years had passed.
And Henry and I finally decided to get married.
Well, we knew that Claudia would've wanted it that way.
She had a big heart.
It just wasn't a very strong one.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
And I miss her every day.
Then why did you murder her?! Hey, Dad.
Have you seen Axl and Lexie? We were supposed to watch a movie and eat oatmeal, but I can't find them.
[SIGHS.]
I don't even know where your mom and Brick are.
I figure as long as I don't get a phone call, everything's all right.
Isn't it so great how I can just hang with my brother and my bestie? You know, people probably thought I'd be upset when they became a couple, but it's been great! It's like I get the fun of being in a relationship without actually being in one, which is awesome because I've got school and I'm applying for an internship and I'm gonna be so busy this year and [GASPS, SOBS.]
I am so alone! I have lost my brother and my best friend.
You think it's easy to be around them? It's not.
It's hard! You think I don't know that that they'd rather be alone? I am not blind! Can you wipe my eyes? [SOBBING.]
You think I don't have wants? I have wants! I want to kiss boys I like! It's just hard 'cause they're always in the apartment and always in my world all the time, and I can't escape it, so I say it's fine.
[SOBBING.]
But I'm not fine! Aah! [SOBBING.]
Oh, no.
No, don't look at me.
Don't help me! Okay, help me.
But don't look at me! [GRUNTS.]
Aah! [THUD.]
Ugh! [GROANING.]
Don't say anything, Axl.
I wish you hadn't seen that.
Can you please just forget it ever happened? Aah! Look, Sue.
You're not a loser.
What? I didn't think I was a loser! Good! Good, good, 'cause I said you're not.
Um Sue, the thing is, because of Lexie, we have been spending a lot more time together.
And don't let this go to your head or anything, but lately, you've been making me wanna barf less.
I have? Yeah, it's actually been kinda fun, but a little much.
[SIGHS.]
I know.
I just can't stop myself.
I am a loser! [SOBS.]
Look, Sue, Sue.
When I was kissing my fake sister, it occurred to me.
I have a real sister.
So then I thought, "What would Donny do for Marie?" He'd probably sing a song or dance with her do a lame skit with the Harlem Globetrotters.
But since I can't do any of that, I was thinking I don't know.
You know, I do have some spare time between my morning and afternoon routes.
Oh, I get it.
I'll get out of the apartment.
I can hang at the laundromat.
It is warm in there, and I like the smell of dryer sheets.
No, I was thinking you and I, I don't know, could get lunch together.
Just the two of us? That would be really nice.
And we don't even have to buy food since most of the kids forget their lunch on the bus anyway.
So, hope you like baloney.
I love baloney.
So, it turns out Claudia really did just die of a heart attack.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Wait.
Are you telling me her husband and her sister weren't secret lovers conspiring to drown her and make it look like an accident while he was golfing, then take her insurance money, get hitched, assume new identities, and move to Tahiti? Fine, make fun.
I don't care.
I had the best Halloween I've had in years.
You know, when you're a kid, you get to go trick-or-treating, and when you're in your 20s, you go to parties, but when you get to be our age, it's just "meh.
" But Brick and I got to walk around a graveyard, visit an old lady's creepy house I felt alive! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Plus her popcorn balls were off the chain.
I'm definitely going back there next year.
[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE.]
- Mrs.
Heck? - Yeah? You inquired about the old water records on your house? Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.
I don't need those anymore.
Actually, some new information has come to light.
We found something a little suspicious.
Oh, really? Mike?! Turns out when you moved in here, you were being assessed at a Zone 5 rate when you should've been assessed at the higher Zone 7 rate.
You've been underpaying for water for the last 20 years.
But good news, we fixed it and it'll be reflected on your next bill.
We'll work out some kind of installment plan for you to pay the rest.
[LAUGHS.]
You people have been getting away with murder.
[SIGHS.]
Nice work, Detective.