Bob's Burgers s09e05 Episode Script

1 FROND: Belchers, I've been going over the detention records, and you kids owe five hours of detention.
So, we suffer from detention deficit disorder.
Yeah, shouldn't that get us out of detention? No! You're detention dodgers.
Medical excuses, religious holidays, conscientious objections.
It's time to pay up.
But five hours? That's like five days.
Well, you can do the hard time, or you can help me with a special project I'm working on.
Instead of serving out your detention sentence, you can appear in my music video.
Ugh, pass.
No, no, no.
No, wait, wait, wait, hang on.
I need you kids to help me get this video done.
Like, today.
Maybe throw in a hundred dollars? Deal! N-No, wait, what am I saying? Listen, there's a week-long guidance counselor conference this week here in town.
Counsel-Con.
Yeah, that Counsel-Con.
- That sounds fun.
- A lot of cat sitters getting work this week.
It is fun.
Except I'm in charge of, like, six things on the welcome committee.
And, trust me, none of these prima Donnas even open their welcome envelope.
They put the "diva" in "child de-velopment.
" They probably won't even appreciate that I got the ocean view conference room at the Spinnaker Hotel.
And thank you for reminding me I can't find a friggin' cat sitter.
So it's up to you.
Do the rhyme or do the time.
My video has rhymes in it.
Ugh, fine.
Oh, look at Busta Rhymes over here.
LINDA: What you doing, Teddy? You making a little hat? No, I-I'm making a paper airplane.
All done.
(grunts, groans) That's not gonna win me a washing machine.
- Washing machine? - Yeah, there's gonna be a paper airplane contest at the air show on Saturday.
The washing machine's the grand prize.
So, wait, you throw paper airplanes at an air show? Isn't that like bringing a stuffed animal to the zoo? I did that once.
I wanted to see what their reaction was.
- They liked it.
- Yeah, halfway through the show, there's a paper airplane contest.
They put a washing machine on the runway with the door open, and everyone tosses their paper airplanes from the bleachers.
And then there's other appliances out there, too.
You put your name on the plane, and if you get it in the toaster, you win the toaster.
And if you get it in the Crock-Pot, you win the Crock-Pot! It sounds easy! Definitely doesn't sound easy.
But we could use a new washing machine.
Oh.
Yeah.
Ours smells like something died in there.
Well, it's because that mouse died in there.
Yeah, he died 'cause it smelled so bad.
Okay, Bob's the best folder, I'm the best thrower.
- You're not the best thrower.
- What? All your throws hook to the left, Bob.
You're a hooker, like my cousin Marie.
Your cousin Marie's a prostitute? No, she throws paper airplanes like you.
- It's your mechanics.
- So, it's settled.
I'm the best at throwing, you're the best at folding.
Eh.
And I'm the guy who kind of regrets telling you guys about this.
Just kidding.
This will be fun.
(chuckles weakly) Let's swap eyes so we can Empathize (flatly): Let's swap eyes over a bowl of - Em-pad-Thai.
- Okay, cut, cut, cut.
(sighs) Louise.
I'm not really feeling you feeling it.
- You feel me? - Oh, you're not? You're not? - No.
- Oh, wow.
Can we get a copy of this? Mom would love this video.
Mom doesn't get to see this.
No one we know will see this.
- That was the deal, Mr.
Frond.
- Don't worry.
"The Empathize Glide" is only gonna be viewed at the Counsel-Con welcome banquet.
Unless it impresses Judith, because she sets the curriculum - for the whole state.
- Excuse me? Doesn't matter.
It's just a proof of concept.
I'd get actually talented kids to be in the real thing.
Thank you.
Wait, what? You absolutely, positively promise that no one at school will see this video? You have my word as an educator/rapper/healer.
(giggling) (humming "The Empathize Glide") Empathize.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! This can't be happening! It's happening.
It's really brave of you to be here at school and not hiding in the woods forever.
Tina, you look really weird in that video.
Right, but like a sassy, fun, "you want to walk to school - with me every day" weird? - No, weird like I feel like I should help you or give money to a charity that helps people like you.
Mr.
Frond.
(grunting) Ah! Okay, I-I see that you are processing recent developments.
Perhaps, uh, Process-ily Cecily could help.
Process-ily Cecily can process her ass! - (gasps) - You promised that no one at school would see us singing and dancing in your dumb video! Hold his arms! We're gonna make it look like an accident! Easy, girl! It's not my fault.
I was editing the video on the library computer when nature called.
I got up without logging out, and when I came back, the kids were watching the video.
Ah! You always log out before outing a log! - (roars) - Okay.
That's healthy.
You vented.
And, yes, I promised.
But there's nothing we can do now.
This isn't over, Frond.
There's only one way to deal with this bull-crap.
- We got to - Kill something he loves? - Oh, my! - Maybe not kill.
- But definitely revenge.
- BRANCA: Aw! I'd just gotten it out of my head, and then I see you kids again.
(humming "The Empathize Glide") Em-pad-Thais.
A million hours of detention would have been better than winding up as Frond's puppets.
He humiliated us.
We need to do the same to him.
(gasps) Counsel-Con.
Yes! We become the world's youngest guidance counselors and show him up while helping a lot of people along the way.
No, he called the other counselors "divas," remember? What if we get Frond trash-talking them on video and then post it somewhere for the whole conference to see? But how do we get them all to watch it? He's got to be there and suffer like we suffered.
Right.
LOUISE: Guys, we just found our solution.
GENE: We get divorced? - No.
- Oh, phew.
Ooh (chuckles) Whoa.
Okay, after we get video of Mr.
Frond talking trash about his friends, we'll put the link on an airplane banner that says "hottest cats for guidance counselors.
" And when it flies by the Spinnaker Hotel GENE: Every single one of them will pull it up on their phones, and Mr.
Frond will be completely humiliated.
TINA: Crushed.
Humiliated, crushed, and destroyed.
Like every buffet after I'm done with it.
(Linda breathing heavily) Lin, you want to weigh in on which airplane design to go with? This one, you have to do over 60 precision folds.
And Barry recommends finishing it off with a four-degree dihedral angle.
Barry? Who's Barry? Barry B.
Foldin'.
He wrote this book.
He's a genius.
Wait, you bought a book about paper airplanes? Not a book, Lin, the book.
Barry is a legend in the paper aviation community.
Wait, what's that thing? - It's my folding tool.
- You can't just use your finger? Uh, no.
Not when you're building a competition-grade aircraft, Lin.
This is probably the best ten dollars I've ever spent.
That thing cost ten dollars? How much did the book cost? I-I don't want to talk about it.
(Linda grunting) You might not want to overdo it with the arm strengthening, Lin.
You worry about your folds, mama's gonna bring home the gold.
Washing machine gold.
Whoo! Oh, I am using the wrong paper.
Oh, my God.
I-I gotta go.
- I'll be right back.
- (Lin grunting) Hi, uh, I-I need to buy some paper.
This is an art store.
Be specific, for God's sakes! Yeah.
Do you go in a liquor store and say, "I need liquor"? Yeah, I bet he does.
Okay, I-I need 24-pound A4 paper.
Do you know what that is? - Ah, making paper airplanes? - Yeah, is that the right paper? For an amateur, sure.
W-Wait, what's for more of a professional? No, you can't handle it.
You can't afford it.
Can I see it? - No! - Please? - Fine.
- Harold, lock the door.
Put on the gloves.
Show him.
Good God, it's beautiful.
Stop breathing on it.
W-W-Wait-wait-wait.
How much? How much are you willing to spend? (whispering): Everything.
- How much do you want? - All of it.
Harold, we're closing early.
Tonight we drink wine out of a bottle.
Hey, Mr.
Frond, sorry about yesterday.
We were cuckoo bonkers.
I think Counsel-Con is just making all of us crazy, right? Ah, don't get me started.
Do you mind if I put my groceries on your desk? - Ignore the hole.
- Sure, go ahead.
I'm sorry, you were saying something about Counsel-Con going smooth, loving the people Oh, the people.
Gary, carrying his own gluten-free snacks everywhere, making comments.
And June Wilson with the perfume.
What happened, did you fall in the bottle? But everyone's super cool, right? No.
Why does guidance counseling attract the most uncool people? If I had to rank them from stiff to stiffest, dead last would be Gilbert McDougal.
And not because of his neck brace, I'm talking personality only.
And then probably Manoj We got him.
We got him so good.
- Did we run out of tape? - Yeah.
He just ignored the rewinding sound - and kept talking.
- Phase one complete.
Phase two: we upload this sucker, and then phase three.
Okay, so after we make our own banner, we come back here, switch 'em out, and then that plane flies our revenge banner in front of the Spinnaker Hotel, and Hey, you aren't supposed to be on the airstrip.
LOUISE: Sure we are.
We're the new flight crew.
GENE: Hot towel? Hot towel? Wait, you kids look familiar.
Oh, yeah.
You, too.
You once tried to make out with our mom, but she kicked your butt.
I'm gonna need more than that.
(chuckling): I'm kidding.
I remember you guys.
How's your mom? She still with your dad? Yep, and she and I have our thing, too, so back off, fly-boy! Wait, why are you here? Aren't you a seaplane pilot? I took the pontoons off Shoshana so I can fly banner ads, since my sexy flight lesson business kinda dried up.
So, why are you kids sneaking onto the airfield? Drug smuggling? Muling? You kids muling? No, we're trying to get revenge.
Revenge, eh? Yeah, we want to humiliate this guy who basically destroyed our lives.
Interesting.
Life is a funny mistress sometimes.
Get this.
My nemesis is coming to town for the air show, and I was literally just brainstorming on my revenge.
But bumping into you sneaky weasels gives me an idea.
You want to raise weasels? No, a proposition.
I'll fly a revenge banner for you - if you help me get my revenge.
- KIDS: Deal.
Oh, look at you agreeing before you know - any of the weird details.
- That's the Belcher way.
Hey, Gus, look who I found on the airfield.
They're gonna help me with my revenge plan.
That's nice.
So, Kurt, who's the target? Is it (whistles) Hey, what?! No, it's a stunt pilot.
All you need to know is she's pure evil.
Her name is Laverne.
Kurt and Laverne used to be part of a stunt flying team, until she stole the Dice N' Slice from Kurt and made him look ridiculous! - Okay, easy, Gus.
- Sorry, I got excited.
What's a Dice N' Slice? It's the best aerial acrobatic stunt ever.
I'd worked on it for months with my coach, and was about to unveil it to the world, but she stole it from me.
And that's all I'm gonna say about that.
Yeah, that's all he's gonna say about that.
Okay, fine, I'll tell you everything.
Whoa, I was wrong.
(exhales) It was 20 years ago, at the nationals.
GENE: Go on.
KURT: I watched Laverne's plane dice roll, and then I watched it slice.
I was determined to out-dice and out-slice her, so I pushed that plane and my body to the limits.
I was upside down, pulling so many Gs.
And also I'd had a massive breakfast at the airfield café.
It was free for us stunt pilots.
I mean, who wouldn't have had two orders of huevos rancheros? The g-force made it all come plopping down.
What do you mean "It all came plopping down"? - He pooped the pit.
- Gus! You did.
Ah.
It's true, just as I was passing the judges' table.
So, bonus points for style? I wish.
Three things I haven't done since that day Talked to Laverne, go upside down under any circumstances, eat huevos rancheros.
Those are the best kind of huevos! How are we gonna get her back? Here's the plan.
Laverne always take pictures with fans before a show.
I want you kids to pose as fans, then use these - What are those? - Wire cutters.
I want you to go under her plane and snip the red ignition wire, the blue fuel line, and whatever the black wire is.
Uh, we're not cutting anyone's wires.
Well, I can't do it! Ever since she caught me trying to put a banana in her plane pipe, she hired security guards.
That's why I need you kids to do it for me.
What gives?! I thought we were revenge twins.
We are, we are, but maybe there's another way for you to get revenge on Laverne without her having to emergency-land her plane, - possibly dying.
- Can't think of one.
Why don't you just beat her in the stunt flying competition at the air show? Wouldn't that be the sweetest revenge? Yeah, do the Dice N' Slice, and ideally without pooping the pit.
Didn't you hear me?! I don't go upside down anymore.
(voice breaking): I can't fly upside down.
(crying): I can't do it.
- (sobbing) - Oh, wow.
Okay.
- Hey, bu-buddy - (whining) Uh, you just need a little help getting upside down again.
We can do that.
Huh? We're kids.
We're good at going upside down.
Yeah, I'm not super comfortable going upside down.
- (mutters) Tina, just be quiet.
- Okay.
New deal we help you get your upside-down mojo back and beat Laverne, you fly our revenge banner so we can destroy Frond.
Uh fine.
Dice, slice Fold Nice Toss in there Upside-down hair.
Hello, Bob.
- Barry B.
Foldin'? - Yes, I be.
I see you have Bowfinger in your hand.
Y-Yeah.
I'm-I'm trying to choose between Bowfinger and Dirty Rotten Scoundrel - for the big contest.
- Both great options.
So, Bob, what's the hold-up? I can't decide which plane is the best.
The answer is in your hand.
- Whoa! - It's called "What About Bob?" It's the best fold from my best planes combined.
Go ahead.
Fling it.
BOB: Whoa! It's flying so far! Aah! I got to fold! I got to fold! - (panting) - Oh, wha wha ? MALE ANNOUNCER (over P.
A.
): Look up.
It's a bird, it's a plane.
Just kidding.
It's a plane! Look who decided to waltz on in The Wind Waltzers, that's who.
Let's hear it for 'em, folks.
(Tchaikovsky's "Waltz of the Flowers" playing) Where'd the kids go? They said they were gonna go find healthy snacks.
Might take a while.
Can I sit next to you until they come back? Uh, that's where the plane's sitting, -but you can sit next to the plane.
- Uh, okay.
There she is.
There you go, sweetheart.
She seems nice.
Hello, Laverne.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Kurt.
What? No banana? He doesn't need bananas anymore.
- He's got us.
- Who are you? I've been training with them for the past 48 hours straight, not counting a date I had, which went medium.
Doesn't matter how much you train, fella.
I'm the best.
It's like Dad always said Training's for trains, these are planes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back up.
Dad?! Yeah, Dad was our coach.
Laverne is your sister? Laverne hasn't been my sister since she stole my move.
I don't have any sisters! But, yeah, she's my sister.
Stole your move? You tried to steal the Dice N' Slice from me.
Pssh! What?! Nuh-uh, liar! Well, it's my move! My move, and I'm taking it back.
ANNOUNCER: First up in the trick flying competition Kurt Enerny! Well, good luck up there.
Try not to poop the pit.
(laughs weakly) Oh, my God, she's gonna crush me! I can't do this! And why did I have huevos rancheros for breakfast today? - Ow! - You listen to me.
You're gonna get up in the sky and win this trick flying competition, then tow our banner in front of the Spinnaker Hotel.
Today is the day for revenge! Now squeeze your cheeks and soar like an eagle! ANNOUNCER: He's pulling three Gs up there.
Hey, what's it feel like, Kurt? Like my kidneys are playing patty-cake with my intestines.
ANNOUNCER: And here comes the Dice N' Slice, made famous by another stunt pilot.
Who stole it from me! - Here we go.
- Come on, Kurt.
ANNOUNCER: Here's the intentional stall-out, followed by the dice roll.
(gibbering) - (engine sputters) - And here comes the slice! He's doing it.
He's upside down, and he's not pooping.
- Probably.
- Come on, finish your revenge, so we can have ours! (groaning) I did it! I'm back! The Dice N' Slice belongs to me.
(whooping) Uh, Kurt, you missed the ribbon, pal, by 50, maybe 60 feet.
Oh, no! Did the judges see? Yes, the judges saw.
They have pretty good seats.
Ah, Kurt! Serves him right for trying to steal my move.
I trained for months with Dad perfecting the Dice N' Slice.
Wait.
What? Kurt said their dad taught him that move.
ANNOUNCER: Now who's ready to see the Dice N' Slice by the best? Put your hands together for Laverne Enerny.
New plan.
Go back to my old plan.
Well, at least you kids talked Kurt out of doing something stupid and dangerous.
I guess, and we'll still get our revenge on Mr.
Frond, so GENE: Uh, what's Kurt doing? GUS: Something stupid and dangerous! ANNOUNCER: Well, folks, uh, it looks like the solo competition has turned into a completely planned, uh, World War I dogfight reenactment.
Who's that behind you, Laverne? It's me.
Aw.
Try that again, moron, and I'll do this.
I hate your guts so much, turd face! Uh, World War I pilots would often say that to each other.
Completely authentic dogfight.
Ugh! She didn't even steal the Dice N' Slice from him, and he didn't steal it from her.
Wait.
What are you talking about, Tina? Their dad trained them both to do that move, and neither of them know it.
We have to tell them.
Kind of hard to tell them that now.
They're way up there, and we're way down here.
Stupid gravity! You could talk to them on the radio.
Use the one in this plane.
Kurt, can you hear me? Yes, but I'm a little busy right now trying to knock my sister out of the sky.
Can't wait to see the look on your face, Laverne, when you emergency-land - like a dork.
- LAVERNE: Not if you emergency-land first, you double dork.
Stop fighting! You're both double dorks.
Why are the kids part of the air show? - Is this for school? - Maybe.
I mean, we never help them with school stuff, so we really wouldn't know.
Guys, knock it off.
No one stole the Dice N' Slice.
What do you mean, "No one stole the Dice N' Slice"? TINA: You both trained with your dad to create that move.
Then he must have lied to both of you when he said the other person stole it.
But why would he pit us against each other? Maybe he thought if we competed, it would bring out our best, like how he used to put that one present under the tree and make us wrestle for it.
This is crazy.
They just need to do that thing in Mr.
Frond's dumb video.
Yeah.
You guys need to try and look at it from each other's perspective.
It's time to empathize, people.
KURT: So it really wasn't your fault, Laverne? LAVERNE: No, and I guess it wasn't your fault, either.
- (crying): I'm sorry.
- (crying): I'm sorry, too.
(both crying) (announcer yells) Oh, whoa.
And, uh, this ends, like all good dogfights do, with-with a good hard cry.
So the Empathize Glide actually works.
Maybe Mr.
Frond is a genius? No, no, but he probably doesn't deserve to get destroyed by us.
Kurt, we don't want you to fly our revenge banner anymore.
What? Oh, do ? Oh, okay.
Only problem is, it's already en route.
See, I couldn't fly this plane and tow the banner, so I called in a favor.
Well, can't you just radio him to turn around? He doesn't have his radio on when he flies.
He doesn't want the flight tower yelling at him.
Why would the tower yell at him? 'Cause he doesn't have his pilot's license.
Oh, I'm flying.
Kurt, that banner cannot fly in front of that hotel, understand? KURT: What am I supposed to do? (gasps) The Dice N' Slice.
Well, how's that gonna help? Focus on the slicing part.
Oh.
Yeah.
Let's swap eyes so we can Empathize.
"Hottest cats for guidance counselors.
" Oh, just a gorgeous day.
Lot of puffy clouds out here.
Aah! Holy crap! What the hell is going on?! Aah! I thought we was friends.
Huh.
Your little problem has been sliced.
- All right! - Yay! - (whoops) And we're at the halfway mark of this totally normal air show.
So, paper airplane contestants, you are clear for takeoff.
BOB: Okay, here we go.
Good luck, Lin.
- Oh ow! - Are you okay? I don't know.
Something popped.
Something popped? I-In your throwing arm? - Ow, ow, ow.
- Oh, my God.
You overdid it with the olive oil can, didn't you? - Maybe.
- (sighs) Ugh, I guess we weren't meant to win the washing machine.
- Bob, you shut your pretty mouth.
- Uh Listen to me: you're gonna throw the airplane.
(muffled): No, no, no, no, no.
I'm the builder, you're the thrower.
Geez, you guys are kind of falling apart.
Odds of Team Teddy are just getting better by the Ah, crap.
Sorry, ma'am.
Is your baby okay? Come on, Bobby.
You might be a hooker, but you're a hooker with a heart of gold.
So what if you just push one of your wing-flappy thingies down on one side? Yeah, that might work.
All right.
(exhales) Here goes.
(grunts) Ooh.
It's beautiful.
BOB: We might actually win.
LINDA: And it just flew past the washing machine.
- Damn it.
- And into the blender! We won a blender! Yes! - Ha, ha! - All right! Kids, we won a blender! - We're rich.
- Nice.
There's so many things I've been wanting to blend.
We've just been smushing stuff with our hands.
Smoothies at Bob's place, everybody.
Come on! Let's swap eyes So we can empathize Let's swap eyes Over a bowl of em-pad-Thai I want some noodles Let's swap eyes Ooh So we can empathize Let's swap eyes - Ooh - Over a bowl of em-pad-Thai.