Cheers s09e05 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, Knight of the Pentacles.
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, Mr.
Petersen.
Woody, are those Tarot cards? Yeah.
What are you doing? You have to be careful with those things.
Ah, yes, the awesome power and dreaded prophecy of the Tarot.
So ancient and mysterious that no one knows its history, not even me.
Well, that's a relief.
Woody, you idiot.
Don't mess with the supernatural.
Have I taught you nothing about bad juju? Relax, Carla.
I've done this before.
Now, where were we, Mr.
Petersen? Have you got any Grim Reapers? Nope.
Go fish.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Takin' a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see The troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
(loud jackhammering) (shouting): Carla, can I have a beer, please? (shouting): What? (shouting louder): Can I have a beer, please?1 (shouting louder): What?! (noise stops) Ca (normal voice): Can I have a beer, please? (shouting): What?! They stopped the hammering, okay? (shouting): I know, I'm just torturing you! Finally stopped, huh? It must be noon.
Actually, I've only got ten till.
Oh, yeah, union guys.
Yep.
When are those guys gonna be finished? They're killing our business.
Nobody can come through the front door.
That's okay.
The foreman promised me it's just a one-day job, hon.
I hope so.
What are they doing up there anyway? Why doesn't someone go see? Well, it's all the way upstairs, you know.
Maybe we could call somebody.
Yeah, the phone's way over there.
We could turn on the TV.
It might be on the news or something.
Clicker's in the poolroom.
Well, I guess we'll never know.
If you people aren't the laziest beer sponges I have ever seen.
I mean, if you want to know what's going on out there, why doesn't somebody go and look? Why doesn't somebody just get up off their rusty-dusty and go look? Oh, hey, maybe I should have asked him to return this.
(Frasier yelling) (loud crash) Oh, too late.
Maybe we should go see if he's all right.
Aw, it's all the way upstairs, you know.
So, Fras, what are they doing up there? Well, as near as I can tell, they're replacing the top step with a six-foot hole.
(laughing) You know, you people wouldn't be laughing if you knew that I have a severe dust allergy.
(laughing harder) I'm serious.
I could have fallen and broken my neck.
Stop, Dr.
Crane.
Let me catch my breath.
Hey, there's the guy who took the header into our ditch.
Hey, why'd you do that, man? You almost broke your neck.
Hey, don't get him started.
He's got this whole routine.
Can I help you guys? Yeah, you can help us out with a couple of beers.
That'll be five dollars.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We can't have our boys in the trenches paying for this.
No-no, much better they spend their valuable time finishing their work upstairs than digging around in their wallets for the exact change.
Now, here's a man who understands the construction business.
What are you doing? What am I doing? I'm greasing the construction workers.
Ooh, that'd make a great title for my autobiography.
This is disgusting.
What? Bribing those men to do their job? What happened to an honest day's work for an honest day's pay? (Frasier laughing) Now, that is funny.
(laughing) Nothing will top the one about you breaking your neck.
It's all in the delivery.
Excuse me, uh, that was a very nice gesture of Sam, but I'm the manager here, and I am responsible for receiving payment for services rendered.
Honey, honey, don't No, no, no, the lady's got the right idea-- pride in workmanship.
You have inspired us to go out and do our job as well as we can, no matter how long it takes.
After all, we're craftsmen.
You see? Well, that was Ma.
Her flight got in a little bit early, and, uh, she'll be by as soon as she grabs a cab.
Your mom's in town? Yeah.
Why don't you go pick her up? Oh, Normie, that would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit.
You know why she's here.
She wants to move back in with me.
Well, she can just forget it, I tell you.
She's not gonna be running my life like she did when I was in my mid-30s, no, sirree, sir.
No-no.
I'm a new Cliff Clavin, new man.
Oh, hey, yeah, I'd be happy to see her.
I'd take her out to dinner, give her a perm, but that's about it.
I don't get it, Mr.
Clavin.
I thought you liked your mom a lot.
A whole lot.
Too much to be healthy, really.
Why don't I hear any jackhammering? I don't know.
Why don't you, uh, go on up there and find out what they're doing and come back and let us know? Right, Carla.
And then I would probably fall in a hole or something.
What do you think I am, an idiot? We prefer the term, hapless victim.
I'll tell you why you don't hear any jackhammering.
They're pulling a slowdown up there.
WORKER: Good heavens.
I laced my boot incorrectly.
I'll have to start all over again.
Oh, man, this is making me crazy.
They're gonna be here for a month.
Look, I'm sorry, Rebecca.
You gotta go up and give that guy this $50 he dropped.
As a matter of fact, I think they both dropped $50.
There.
No, Sam, I'm not gonna do this.
You cannot bribe those men.
It's a matter of principle.
Rebecca, it's like the cardinal rule of the free enterprise system.
You pay somebody more money, they work faster.
Hey, look at this.
We're getting a raise at the post office.
The exception that proves the rule.
No, you see Sam, no, no, you made me the manager.
You gave me the authority to handle these problems.
So let me just do it my own way.
Okay, Manager, what are you gonna do? Well, I think we'll just make an entrance through the alley.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
What are you gonna do, bust a hole in my wall? NORM: Well, actually, Sam, you know that window, the leaded stained glass window is in a single wooden frame, so I think you could pop it out fairly easily with a crowbar.
I think the opening's like four by eight, which is perfectly good for a standard entrance.
You build a little staircase and you've got yourself a nice little doorway.
Well, you've put a lot of thought into this.
It's always been a dream of mine to someday retire and build a little apartment back there.
Hello, Clifford.
Hey, Ma! Hey, look.
Come on here.
Ah (chuckling) My, everybody has filled out nicely.
Well, say, Mrs.
Clavin, if you don't mind my asking, uh, how did you, happen to negotiate that hole up at the top of the stairs? Oh, I just hiked up my skirt and hopped across.
No big deal.
Although those construction boys told me some jackass actually fell in.
Can you believe that? (laughs) I'm a boob.
I'm a big, fat boob.
CLIFF: So, uh, Ma, what made you decide to blow into town all of a sudden? Well you know how much I enjoy the historically rich sport of dog racing.
Who doesn't? It turned out I enjoyed it a bit too much last Friday, and, uh, let's just say I owe some people some money.
Whoops.
Well, the dog I put all my money on, apparently had a parasitic condition.
He scooted the last 75 yards.
He got the most laughs, but they don't pay on laughs.
Anyway, it gives me a chance to catch up with my little boy.
I'm looking forward to seeing what you're doing with your life and how we can go about fixing it.
I, uh, appreciate the thought, Ma, but, I don't have anything that needs fixing.
See, I, uh, I've got a new lifestyle.
I, uh, I like it.
Clifford, is it really a new lifestyle, or is it just an excuse to walk around your apartment half naked? It's, uh, not an either-or situation, Ma.
I suppose there's no room in this playboy pad of yours for somebody's mother? Thank you for, uh, being so understanding, Ma.
Oh.
Well, I certainly don't want to be a burden to you, Clifford.
Lord knows you weren't a burden to me when I was in labor with you for 72 hours.
Whoa.
72 hours? He had those wide hips.
I got you a great hotel here.
Look, it's got HBO You shouldn't go to that expense.
All I need is a large appliance carton, and I can sleep on the street with all the other forgotten mothers.
You can stay with me.
Are you sure you don't have a lifestyle I'd be intruding on? Not that I know of.
Well, then I'd be glad to.
What's your name? Woody.
Woody.
Oh, that's the name of a boy whose mother raised him right.
Really? 'Cause I looked it up and all I could find was "treelike.
" Well, let's get you settled in, huh, Mrs.
Cla No, no, hey, hey, Woody, my mother doesn't want to impose on anybody.
Oh, suddenly he's an expert on my desires.
I certainly do want to stay with Woody.
I like him.
He's sweet and thoughtful, and look at those nice, narrow hips.
I'll bet you shot out like a bullet.
Well, Norm's got the window out.
Now he's starting on the iron bars.
When he's finished, anybody who wants to can come into this bar right through that alley.
(barking) What was that? Two big dogs chasing a Chihuahua.
At least I think it was a Chihuahua.
If the health department asks, it was a Chihuahua.
Thanks for giving me a lift, Ma Clavin.
My pleasure, Woody.
Here's your lunch.
I cut the grapes in half, but should one lodge in your esophagus, remember the international sign for choking is this.
Uh, how come you never taught me that, Ma? Oh, Clifford.
With that windpipe of yours, it would take a knockwurst to cut off your air.
I'll be home at 7:00.
Don't be late.
I'm stopping at the video store to pick up the rest of the Police Academy cycle.
Ah Oh, I love that handsome, young African American who makes those funny noises with his mouth.
Yeah, he's a hoot, isn't he? Yes, he is.
And you can tell by watching him he's very respectful to his mother.
Ma, are you mad at me? I'd have to care to be mad.
Look, Ma, I didn't say I never wanted to see you again, for crying out loud.
Listen, why don't you come over and we watch uh, Jeopardy tonight, huh? Just come on over to the apartment.
Oh, praise God, I've been invited to Xanadu.
Actually, Clifford, I happen to have a previous engagement.
(inaudible whispering) No no no no.
Oh, all right.
Clifford, we'd be delighted to have you join us for Police Academy tonight.
Oh, no, that's okay, Ma.
I'm just gonna have a lot of fun right here.
I'm as happy as a lark.
Well, actually, Mr.
Clavin, the lark is a very depressed bird.
It has one of the highest suicide rates in the entire ornithological kingdom.
Interestingly enough, its song is more of a dirge.
Is more of a dirge.
You've been teaching him bird trivia, haven't you, Ma? Woody is the best student I've had, bar none.
Huh.
I know what you're trying to do, Ma, and it's not going to work.
You're trying to make me jealous.
Huh.
Well, I'm not going to be asking you to move back in with me.
Don't you worry.
I know your wily ways.
You see, you're forgetting, I am a graduate student of the Esther Clavin School of Emotional Blackmail.
Well, that, and a nickel will get you a civil service job.
Back off, Ma.
Clifford, I'm not trying to get you jealous.
I don't have to.
I found a wonderful companion in Woody.
He's like the son I never had.
Well, what about me? You are the son I did have.
Yeah, I'm telling you, Norm, I really let Ma have it.
I cut clean.
Well, I'll have to take your word for it, Cliff.
Yeah, it really feels good to get that monkey off my back.
Whatever you say.
Yeah, she's out of there, gone, good-bye, finito.
Cliff, what do I have to say to make you stop talking? Yes, sir, today I am a man, Norm.
How about, "I've got a crowbar?" (chuckles) Oh, hey, Rebecca, come on, you be Ma again and I'll be me, all right? Oh, Cliff, you know, Sam does a lot better Ma than I do.
Oh, yeah, right, right.
All right, Ma, get off my back! SAM: I'm busy, Cliff.
Oh, no, no, Sam.
There's too much love in your voice.
I think that ought to do it.
What do you mean "that ought to do it?" You need to cut another bar out of there.
People have to squeeze through there.
Rebecca, trust me.
I've spent a lifetime learning how to do the least amount of work for any given task.
This'll fit the bill.
I-I just don't think anybody's really gonna be able to fit through there.
Even I could fit through there.
Watch this.
Look.
You just you just sort of (grunting): up and through Well, that's it.
That's it what? You're not halfway through.
No, that's it, I'm stuck.
I'll be in Cheers the rest of my life.
Guess you have to be careful what you wish for.
Let me see if I can get you unstuck.
(grunting) Oh, gosh.
That's it, you are stuck.
Sam! Carla! You'd better hurry, Rebecca, 'cause I think I see that damned Chihuahua again.
Hey, there's a whole pack of Chihuahuas.
I hope they're Chihuahuas! Oh, my God! You okay out there? Yeah.
I think they're as afraid of me as I am of them.
Yeah, except you don't carry rabies and have razor-sharp teeth.
Yeah, but they don't know that.
Boy, you really are wedged in there.
Is that Norm? Geez, you know, I didn't recognize you without the bar stool attached.
(laughing) Hey, you know who he looks like? Winnie the Pooh.
Oh, Carla's right.
Yeah.
Yeah, in that story where he eats too much honey and gets stuck in Rabbit's hole.
Yeah, well, how did they get him out? Oh, it's hilarious.
They starved him for a couple of weeks, then yanked him out.
Yeah.
Now, when he got out, did Winnie the Pooh sue the damned Rabbit, huh? Come on, man, lighten up, will you? Oh, sorry, Sammie.
I'm just upset, okay? No, I mean, you're like dead weight here.
Push, pull, do something.
Yeah, so I told her, "Pack your bags.
Go on, hit the skids.
I don't need you anymore.
" What's the matter with him? Girl trouble? Well, sort of.
Now I'll just have to raise myself.
Well, the hard work's already done though.
Where is the child that's stuck in the fence? Oh, good, you're here.
Uh, back this way, in the poolroom.
"Child stuck in the fence?" Well, every time I said, "Accountant stuck in a window," they just laughed and hung up.
REBECCA: It's back here.
Oh, Woody, that was fun.
It's so nice to go shopping for shelf paper with somebody who doesn't nitpick over every design.
Ma, when are you gonna stop taking those potshots at me? When it stops being fun.
Excuse me, Woody.
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
Your nose looks fine, Mother Clavin.
That's just an expression, son.
Ah.
Son? She's, uh, calling you "son" now? Well, that's just an expression.
You know, like "powder my nose.
" I understand, Woody.
I want to thank you, really, for all you've done for my ma, you know, giving her a place to live and everything.
There's one thing my sense of pride won't allow me to say to her, but I know I can talk to you about it man-to-man.
(crying): I want my mommy back.
You can't have her back.
You gave her up.
Wood, I miss her! Well, if I give her to you, then I'll miss her, too.
Can't we share? I don't want to share! Oh, for God's sake! You're acting like children.
Now, listen, Woody, Esther Clavin is Cliff's natural mother.
Therefore, logic would dictate that, uh, well, Cliff gets first dibs.
Well, Woody, are we ready to line some shelves with flags of the world? Woody? Woody, if you stick that lower lip out any further, a pigeon's gonna land on it.
You know that they like shiny, ledge-like surfaces.
(crying): Don't bring up bird trivia now, Mother Clavin.
It hurts too much.
Why, Woody, whatever are you talking about? (crying and mumbling) All right, all right, all right.
Is this true, Clifford? Yeah, Ma, it is.
I want you back.
Well, is there room for me in that singles' paradise of yours? I'll, I'll make room.
Well, I made room for you, Mother Clavin.
I'll make room in your face! No, no, no, no.
Now, now, boys, let's not get into a Cain and Abel situation here.
I can love you both for different reasons.
Woody, I can love you because you're generous and kind and strong.
And Clifford, I can love you because I'm your biological mother, and nature dictates there be a bond.
Now, boys, I've got plenty of love for both, and Lord knows I've got plenty of shelf paper.
I'll tell you what, let's get cracking.
We can do both of your apartments before dark.
Got to do mine first.
Not if I get to the car first.
Yeah, well, you're not going to do that until you beat me.
I can.
No, you can't! Boys, watch out for the hole! (Woody and Cliff yelling) (loud crash) Yes, they are my children all right.
Both dumb as dishwater.
Well, we can get him out, but we're gonna have to bring in the Jaws of Life.
He's really stuck in there.
Yeah, it remind me of that Winnie the Pooh story.
Say, how'd he get stuck in there, anyway? Well, he ate up all of Rabbit's honey No, I mean this guy.
Uh, we were, uh, building a new entrance.
Do you have a permit for that? Oh.
He wants a permit.
This time we'll handle it your way.
No.
Yes.
Yes, I'll do it.
Let me just reach into my magic-permit pocket.
No, no.
Yes, yes.
And, oh, here's a nice little permit with a picture of General Grant on it.
What are you doing? (chuckles) What, like you have never been bribed before? Are you trying to give us this 50 bucks? What, 50 isn't enough? How about 100? All right, you're under arrest.
Come on.
Sam, would you get my checkbook? So you guys ought to have me out of here in just a few minutes, huh? Right, guys? Guys! Vera?