Family Guy s09e05 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy! Peter, what the hell are you doing? I can't sleep, Lois.
I'm too excited for my birthday tomorrow.
Y eah! Peter, would you get in the damn bed? I'm gonna have the best birthday party ever.
I gave out all my invitations yesterday.
Hey, Chris, I was wondering if you'd Iike to come to my party tomorrow.
Thanks, Dad.
I'd Iove to.
Oh, no! M-E-G.
Hey.
What are you guys talking about? -Nothing.
-Sports! Birthday sports! No, just sports! Oh.
Okay.
Meg, you're not invited to my party.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
Why don't you open your presents while I cut the cake? Whoa! What planet is this? It's not a Peter, its Earth.
It's a globe.
You use it to Iearn where the countries are.
You gave me an educational toy? What do you say to Mr.
Swanson? Thank you.
Hey, Dad.
This came in the mail for you.
A card? Look, it's one of those cards where you can record your own message.
Come on! Open it up.
Hi, Peter! Happy birthday.
Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia.
Bye! Okay, Donna, I'm done.
I'm gonna go mail this card.
Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Mmmbop Oh, yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop Mmmbop Oh, shit.
Afternoon, Officer.
Any idea how fast you were going? No, sir.
You getting smart with me, boy? Where'd you get them wheels? Come on, man.
Step out ofthe car.
But I ain 't done nothing.
Hands behind your back.
Hey, easy, watch it! Come on.
Don't you fight me, boy! Get down on the ground! Come on! No! Hey! Get back here! Ow! My arm! This looks like a safe place to rest.
I think he went this way! Peter, close the card.
Y eah, I'm sure he's fine.
Here, Peter, why don't you open my gift? Ohhh! Zales! It's just the box, Peter.
Tickets to Foxy Boxing? Yeah, it's this cool thing where girls in bikinis box each other.
We're all going Saturday night! Man, would you Iook at that? Two smoking-hot chicks repeatedly striking each other.
Yeah, it reminds me of Thanksgiving.
Why does it remind you of Thanksgiving? Because this is where I come for Thanksgiving.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? We've reached that part ofthe evening when our house champion takes on all challengers.
Any ofyou lovely ladies like to try your hand in the ring? Hey, Lois, what do you think? You want to fight that Iady's boobs? -What? No.
I'm not fighting anyone.
-Oh.
Well, good thing I made this plaster mold of your hand and forearm.
Hey, buddy! Over here! I see a woman's hand and forearm at table eight! Damn it, Peter! PIease, Lois! Come on, you got to fight her! -It's gonna be great! -Come on, Lois! Get in there! -Come on! -Take her down! It'II be awesome! I'd really Iike to see that.
AII right, all right.
If it'II shut you all up, I'II do it.
AII right, so how does this work? We gonna pretend to hit each other for a while, then maybe kiss a Iittle? I'm terrible.
Hey, watch it.
That was pretty hard.
No, it wasn't.
Try this one.
Stop that, young Iady.
I'm just out here for fun Yeah, punch each other, you whores! Okay, you Iittle bitch, that's it! You want to fuck with me? Let's go! No matter what you do for the rest of your Iife, you'II always be garbage.
Oh, my God! I didn't know Lois had that in her.
Hey, is that your wife? You bet that's my wife.
Well, I got to say, she's a natural.
You know, she could make some serious money as a professional.
Wow, you really think so? Oh, sure.
Women's boxing is a rapidly growing part of the field.
You should consider your wife competing for a belt.
Well, she did Iook Iike she knew what she was doing up there.
Think about it.
Here's my card.
What can I say? I really Iike watching her box.
That means two things.
Hey, Lois, congrats on winning that boxing match Iast night.
I saw your picture in The Daily Growl.
Brian, The Daily Growlis not a real paper.
What? Y eah, it is.
I Iike that sound.
Mom, since when are you a boxer? I'm not, honey.
Honestly, I don't know what came over me Iast night.
It was just one of those crazy things that sort of happened after a few drinks.
Morning, everyone! Morning, champ! You feeling Ioose, today? Peter, what are you doing? What is all this? I'm a fight promoter now.
And I got you another fight.
You're boxing tonight at the Quahog Civic Center.
Are you out of your mind? No, Peter.
That was a one-time thing, all right? I am not a boxer, and I'm not fighting anyone else.
And that's final.
AII right, well, how about this, then? I'II take you somewhere real fancy and romantic for dinner, just the two of us.
And in return, I get to try and convince you to fight.
Well, going out for dinner would be nice.
But I'm not changing my mind.
Oh, gosh, I can't wait to see this fancy restaurant.
Oh, you're gonna Iove it, Lois.
Here, put on these special eating gloves I bought you.
Why do I need to wear gloves to eat in a fancy restaurant? Because it's so fancy that You know what? I'm tired of this.
I booked you a boxing match.
Son of a bitch! Damn it, Peter.
I told you, I don't want to be a boxer! Who the hell do you think you are? There you go! Use that anger! Hey, remember when I said I think it's hot when you wear a sports bra and gym shorts underneath your dress? -Yeah? -Now, put these shoes on.
Stop it, you jackass! I told you, I'm not fighting! I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake.
My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge She's from the Ukraine, Lois! She doesn't speak English! AII right.
She's from the other part of the Ukraine! It's a different dialect! One, two, three.
Hey! What you doing down there, Lois? What's the matter? Mad at Iittle old me? In your imagination, I've got Iong eyelashes.
One! Two! Three! Did you know where the Ukraine was because of my globe? No, I saw it in a book.
You knew 'cause of my globe, you dick.
Eight! Nine! Ten! We have a winner! Well, what do you think of that, Lois? You still mad at me now? Peter! I feel great! I've never felt so in control.
I know the feeling.
It's how I feel when I burp really Ioud in an underground parking structure to assert my dominance.
Says the king.
AII right, kids, I'm off to train at the gym.
Jeez, Lois, you're really taking this seriously, huh? Well, yeah, Brian, why wouldn't I? I don't know, you've just never really been the aggressive type.
I mean, you're usually so measured and collected.
I know, Brian, but when I stepped into that ring, I don't know, something happened to me.
It's Iike I tapped into this primal wellspring of pent-up anger that just needed to be released.
Really? What do you have to be angry about? -Where are my flapjacks? -Huh? You will recall, Iast night, ere I drifted off into slumber with a nudie magazine betwixt my Iegs, I spake thusly, "Lois, tomorrow morning, I want flapjacks.
" It was a simple message, yet it has gone unheeded.
AII right, Peter, give me a minute.
For every five seconds I do not have flapjacks, I shall break one window.
Uh-huh.
Look, Lois, it just seems to me that this isn't necessarily the healthiest thing for a woman your age to be doing.
Brian, I'm 42, I'm in the prime of my Iife, and this is what I want right now.
You're sure about that? Meg, go make your father some flapjacks.
Okay, Mom.
This is crazy! Is nobody really making me flapjacks yet? At this point, you guys are being as irresponsible as I am! Gonna fly now Flying high now Gonna fly Fly Fly Well, it's broken, all right.
Well, you got to fix her, Doc.
There's a big fight coming up.
She's got to defend her title.
Look, Peter, I don't think there's gonna be any fight.
What are you talking about? Look at me.
I got a broken nose.
I think this is a sign that maybe it's time to hang up the gloves.
What are you, out of your mind? Don't you give me that attitude, Peter.
Look, Lois, we're making a Iot of cash with this boxing thing.
And I need money for bourbon and anime.
Well, I just can't understand any of this.
Everybody in Japan is either a 10-year-old girl or a monster.
I don't care about the money, Peter! I don't care about boxing! The only reason I did this in the first place -was 'cause of you! -What do you mean? Peter, sometimes you're so insensitive, and you make me so angry, I just want to clock you in the jaw.
Obviously, I can't do that, so boxing was an outlet.
Wait, you mean the reason you fight so good is Yeah, 'cause I'm making believe I'm fighting you! Wow.
Am I that much of a bastard? Sometimes, yes.
Jeez, Lois, I'm sorry.
I mean, I don't mean to be, I just Look, if you don't want to fight anymore, you don't have to.
Well, good.
And the truth is, I suppose I kind of got most of it out of my system anyway.
I Iove you, Lois.
I Iove you, too, Peter.
Is it cool if I tell your insurance that I gave you heart surgery? Ladies and gentlemen, in honor ofher retirement after 17 consecutive victories, I hereby dedicate this statue to Quahog's greatest fighter, Lois Griffin! I'm also having a celebratory keg party back at my house later.
You can tell your parents that my parents will be there.
But they won 't be.
And now a few words from Lois Griffin herself.
Thank you so much for coming, everyone, and thank you for always cheering me on at all my fights.
Hey, Griffin! -Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson! -Who's that? Only the deadliest fighter in all of women's boxing.
She's killed three people in the ring.
Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a Iesbian.
I know why you're retiring, Griffin! You're scared! Scared? Of what? Of me! Look at these people, giving you a statue for fighting a bunch of bums! If you're so great, why don't you prove it? Fight me! Look, I don't need to prove anything.
I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay.
Oh, yeah? Hey, man, you want a real woman? Why don't you bring your pretty Iittle self over to my apartment tonight, and I'II show you a real woman? I'm ashamed! Hey, that's my husband you're talking to! Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna fight me? Look, I already said Get down on your hands and knees, fatty! Yeah! Yes, sir! Look at me, Griffin, I'm milking me a cow! Moo for me! -Moo.
-Louder! -Moo! -Louder! -Moo! -Louder! Moo! AII right, that's it! You want a fight? You got one! Now, you get your hands off my man before I break them off! Fuck, it's my parents! The party's off, everybody! Get the fuck out of here! Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up next, a boxing match where the fighters are bleeding before the fight? We 've got exclusive coverage of tonight's women 's boxing bout, Griffin versus Jackson.
We 're here live with contender Deirdre Jackson outside her dressing room.
Deirdre, is it true you've killed three women in the ring? Tonight it's gonna be four.
Are you saying you intend to kill your opponent? Let's just say you don 't want to miss round six.
Lois, you can't go out there! -What? Why not? -Because if you step into that ring, she's gonna kill you.
No, she's not, Peter.
What the hell kind of talk is that? Now, I'm gonna win this thing.
Look, Lois, you don't have to do this for me.
I know I make you mad sometimes, but I thought we agreed you'd hang up the gloves.
I'II hang up the gloves after I knock her ass out.
Peter, she milked your boobs, and there were a Iot of people I knew there.
Now, Iet's go.
Butt scratcher! Get your butt scratcher here! Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm gonna be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout.
Any thoughts on the fight, FIoyd? I think that they're gonna have, they are gonna be fighting Deirdre's Iast fight in the contrast to the Iater one is gonna be better than usually.
And how do you think that helps her chances tonight? Well, the match Iasting the bout up until the particular inaccuracy, particular unusually that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience, the heart of a champion margarine hat.
Well, we'II be watching for that.
We'II be checking in with you throughout the night, FIoyd.
And happy 23rd birthday.
You're welcome.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Introducing tonight's fighters.
In this corner, weighing in at 134 pounds, the top-ranked boxer in all ofRhode lsland, Deirdre "Action " Jackson! I think every Italian in Quahog is here.
Yeah! Go, white girl! Hey, yo, you're getting your grinder on my grinder! And in this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, it's the Ovarian Barbarian and the Breast of All Time, Iet's put our hands together for Quahog's own Lois Griffin! Okay, here's the rules.
No hitting below the belt, no rabbit punches, no name calling, no making trouble for unconventional couples who want to adopt babies, 'cause you know what? They ain't getting the good babies, anyways.
Okay, have a fun fight.
Ding, ding.
You think you're tough? Well, Iet's see what you got! Wow, she's really hitting Mom hard.
Good.
How you feeling, Lois? She She's too She's too strong, Joe.
I don't stand a chance out there.
AII right, Lois, you Iisten to me and you Iisten good.
I held your hand during childbirth, I watched you raise three kids on a shoestring budget, you never gave up then, and you're not giving up now! Because you're the toughest woman I've ever met.
And if there was a hall of fame for hearts, yours would be the biggest one in the whole damn building! Peter, you're in the wrong corner! Ah.
AII right, Lois, you Iisten to me and you Iisten good.
Damn it! Shut up! Everybody shut up! This took a Iot of courage! Well, Iadies and gentlemen, here we are at round six, the round that Deirdre Jackson predicted she'd kill Lois Griffin.
What do you think, FIoyd, is she gonna make good on that promise? A broken promise is a Iot Iike a child's pinwheel.
You have to be yourself, or at Ieast within the confines.
AII right, well, Iet's see what's going on in the ring.
Finish this.
One, two Lois, stay down.
Don't get up.
You've got nothing to prove.
five, six You get up, you die! I've had enough of you! Risin' up Back on the street Did my time, took my chances -Get out of here.
-Yeah, okay.
You're going down, Griffin! Not tonight, I'm not! Lois! You did it! I Iove you so much! And the winner is Lois Griffin! Now, if everyone couldjust pick up two chairs before you leave, we can get this place cleaned up a lot quicker.
Wow.
Well, what do you think, FIoyd? How did Lois Griffin do what no other challenger could do and knock out Deirdre Jackson? I have a strong headache when I go to sleep and wake up.
And how do you think that's going to affect Jackson's next fight? My Puerto Rican wife got fat.
Well, I got to be honest, Lois, I had my doubts, but you really held your own in that ring.
Thanks, Brian.
It was nice to go out a champion.
Well, we're real proud of you, Lois.
And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal.
-Dad, come on! -Peter! For crying out Ioud! What? I'm fun.
English - US - SDH