Frasier s09e05 Episode Script

Cranberry muffin, please, and, uh, a vanilla latte.
Oh, dear, comfort food.
What happened? Niles, do you think I'm elitist? Of course I do.
You needn't worry about that.
No, not in the good way.
At work today, I discovered an injurious graffito about me scrawled on the men's room wall.
- No.
- Yes.
Quote: "There once was a man Frasier Crane Who says he can feel your pain But he acts like a snob To the guys at his job And I think he's totally lame" That's terrible.
There's a tense shift and a proximate rhyme.
The scansion leaves a lot to be desired.
No, no, no.
You're missing the point.
I have always striven to be approachable.
The embodiment of the words: If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue Or walk with kings nor lose the common touch Exactly.
Thank you.
If my maligner truly knew who I was, then he would have found that a more apt characterization than "snob.
" - Assuming he's familiar with Kipling.
- Heh.
What are the odds? Well, Roz, I'd ask you join us, but I see you already had happy hour.
[FRASIER LAUGHS.]
Well, here, please join us.
So? - Well, um, his name is Roger.
FRASIER: Yeah.
And, uh, we've been kind of going out for the last couple of weeks.
- All right, tell us about him.
- He's very sweet, and he's a garbage man.
So go ahead, make your jokes.
What jokes? I mean, why does everyone assume - I look down on the common man? - Oh, I've got a good one.
Uh So even in his off time, he's taking out the trash? [ROZ LAUGHS.]
Technically, that's really more about Roz.
If I were to make a joke about him, which I wouldn't, I'd say he has a thing for Roz's can.
- Oh, that's good, that's good.
- You two finished? - Okay, okay.
So - Thank you.
And don't worry, I won't get dumped.
BOTH: Oh.
Yes.
- I'd already passed on that.
- Yes, it was a bit on the nose.
- On the nose.
Yes, that's right.
- Uh-huh.
- Dad, Daphne.
- Hey.
Look what your father found.
A picture of you in a teddy-bear costume.
[DAPHNE LAUGHING.]
Why do you have all this out? Well, I was making room in the storage closet - and I found some of your old stuff.
DAPHNE: Oh.
- What else is in here? - Well, here's your cap and your blazer from Bryce Academy.
NILES AND DAPHNE: Oh.
Oh, I bet you were the cutest thing in that.
- Oh, well, here's a picture of me in it.
- Oh.
NILES: Oh, oh, oh.
Bobby Fischer's autograph.
Well, son, it's been enough years.
I can probably tell you the truth about that.
- What? - Oh, look.
A picture of you in your first Little League uniform.
I don't know why I said first.
- Was that your game face? - Oh, no, no.
L I'd just lost a tooth due to an errant pitch.
- Tell her who was pitching.
- I was.
- Flowers from your new beau? - Yeah.
Must be nice to be liked.
Are you still obsessing over that limerick? People are making additions.
Good lord, I have read anthologies with fewer contributing authors.
- I'm sure they'll all wash right off.
- If only there were a solvent that could remove the stains they've left on my spirit.
It was a joke.
What's the big deal? Oh, yes, I know.
Being written up on a bathroom wall is no big deal to you.
But that limerick made a point, as all good limericks do.
It seems to have resonated with everyone around here.
I want these people to know the real Frasier Crane.
Wouldn't it be better if you tried to make them like you? Yes.
And to that end I was thinking along the lines of, oh, say, a little party for the entire staff at my place.
- Hey, you could bring Roger.
- Thanks, but I think it's too soon.
I don't wanna put any pressure on him.
Come on, Roz, you always say you don't have a date for these things.
It's gonna be a lot of radio talk and I'm not sure he's gonna be comfortable.
Who is? Come on, Roz, I'd like to meet him.
I don't know.
Maybe next party.
Does this have anything to do with his occupation? You know, his being a refuse collector? No, I am completely comfortable with his job.
I just don't want him to feel awkward around other people.
- Not that he should, or would.
- Yes, all right, fine.
Fine.
If you change your mind, he's more than welcome, all right? It promises to be a real wingding.
If being a snob is the reputation I've built around here, then this party will be the wrecking ball of congeniality that tears it down.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah, say stuff like that.
- Yeah.
- Say, "Come on, Mom.
" - Come on, Mom.
- Say, "Don't be a wuss.
" - Don't be a wuss.
I'm not a wuss.
Oh, I know you were gonna make dinner, but why not just open a can of something? How'd you think I was gonna make dinner? Alice, go pick out some p.
j.
's.
Hey, when you're done, I got a special book for you.
It's called Make Room for Monkeys.
Now, hurry up, get out of here.
Go on.
Oh.
Make Room for Monkeys? Where did you find this? You know, it's out of print.
Yeah, well, a certain very bad skater that I know told me it was her favourite book when she was growing up, so I kept my eyes open and I found it in a pile of old books.
You mean, like at the dump? No, not a dump.
Please.
It's a secret underground landfill accessible only to garbage men.
And the Mole People who live there.
I used to be one of them, but, ah, then I decided to join the surface dwellers and find my queen.
[ROZ GIGGLES.]
Thank you.
That's very thoughtful.
And you will make an excellent Mole.
Of course, after a year underground, your eyes will fuse shut.
- Your sense of smell will - Okay, stop, stop.
Do you joke around about your career because you're uncomfortable talking about it? You mean deeply and utterly ashamed? Uh, whatever.
Your words.
I don't know.
I never really thought about it as a career.
I mean, it's just a job to me.
You know, it's got great benefits and afternoons off, and whenever I have a family, I'll get to spend a lot of time with them.
How sweet will that be? Would you like to go to a party with me on Saturday? I'd love to.
I found a great pair of shoes this morning.
They damn near match.
FRASIER: Good to see you.
Glad you could come.
Make yourselves at home.
Why don't you introduce me to some of your friends? I wish I could, Dad.
I don't know any of these people myself.
You don't? I better go hide my beer in the crisper.
Hey, Frasier, thanks for inviting me to your party.
Well, it's my pleasure, man.
[LAUGHING AWKWARDLY.]
- Did you, uh, see the game today? - Actually, I did not.
Oh, man, it was a real squeaker.
UDub pulled it out at the end with a last-second field goal.
It's all about special teams.
Am I right? Oh, yeah.
Ha, ha.
Yeah You know, l I think they prefer the term "challenged.
" - Roz, Roz, come on in.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
ROZ: Mwah.
- And you must be Roger.
- Yeah.
- Lovely to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hey, Jason.
- Oh Oh, this is Jason.
Roger.
ROGER: How are you? Yeah, the, uh The old J-man here and I were just, uh, shooting the breeze, you know.
Oh, this guy.
Okay, enjoy yourself there.
All right, so, Roz, um Roger, do you think I could borrow Roz for just one minute? - Yeah, no problem.
- Thanks so much.
Roz, Roz, please don't leave me alone here.
I don't know any of these people's names.
Frasier, I cannot desert Roger in a room full of nosy strangers.
Well, look, look.
He's already met Dad.
He knows as many people as I do.
Sorry, you're gonna have to find yourself another patsy.
Well, where the hell am I supposed to find another? Kenny.
Hey, Roz.
Looking sweet.
Hey, Noel.
So that's the competition.
Hmm.
Or are you just using him to get me jealous? Actually, I forgot you were gonna be here.
I'll bet you regret bringing the arm candy now, huh? So, uh, what's he do? He works for the city.
Oh.
So, in a manner of speaking, I pay his salary, which makes me his boss.
Does that turn you on? Roger, would you like something to drink? Yeah, I'll come with you.
- Nice meeting you, Martin.
CHERYL: Hey, Roz.
- Hey, Cheryl.
- Introduce me to your friend.
- Roger, this is Cheryl.
- Hey, how are you doing? Hi.
Nice to meet you.
I think I know you from somewhere.
Yeah? Maybe I work in your neighbourhood.
- Oh, what do you do? - I'm What doesn't he do? He sends me flowers, and gives me massages, and he's just great.
Really? You know she has a kid, right? Okay, Cheryl.
So, uh, why didn't you tell her what I do? [SCOFFS.]
And have her stalking you at work? I don't think so.
- Great party, Frasier.
- Oh, thanks.
- I'm glad you could come Dennis.
- Dennis.
- Uh, you too Emily.
Uh - Emily.
FRASIER: When are you expecting - No! - This weather to change? Well, you're not the first rustler who's tried to cut my little filly from the herd.
So did you guys, uh, happen to see the game today? - No, I missed that.
Who won? - Well, actually, it was a real squeaker.
Uh, UDub pulled it out at the last second with a real clutch field goal.
Say, Dad, what's going on? I don't know.
Yeah, the station manager's sort of the head honcho.
You know, the go-to guy.
You could replace virtually everybody else at the station except for me.
- And Roz.
So, what do you do? - I'm a Roger, could you please get me a sandwich? Yeah, okay.
So I take it handsome's not in the biz, huh? - Heh, heh.
- So, what's he do? What difference does it make, Kenny? Why are people so obsessed with what people do? Every party you go to, all anyone ever asks you is, "What do you do? What do you do?" You know, not everyone has a job they're proud of.
Did you ever think of that? Why can't you ask him about music, or sports, or books, for God's sake? "Have you read a good book lately?" Why don't you ask him that, instead of embarrassing everybody? Here's your sandwich, Roz.
So have you read any good books lately? No, actually, us garbage men don't have a lot of time to read books.
And we have to get up pretty early in the morning so I guess I better get out of here.
Bye, Roz.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey, Frasier, thanks a lot.
- Right.
It was really nice meeting everyone.
Goodbye.
[WHISPERS.]
Roger.
I know that.
DENNIS: Hey, Crane man.
FRASIER: Oh, Dennis, Lisa, hi.
Patty.
Oh, looking good.
[LAUGHING.]
Kill me.
What are you talking about? You're Mr.
Popularity.
Yes.
And it's a living hell.
I have spent the entire morning exchanging fake pleasantries with a bunch of people that I have absolutely nothing in common with.
I miss being unapproachable.
I thought you wanted to be loved by the common man.
Yes, but couldn't they have sent just one representative? Ugh.
[SIGHS.]
Roz? I'm sorry.
Ever since Roger and I broke up, I can't look at trash the same way.
- You want to talk about it? - No, it's okay.
It's just so weird.
You go through life meeting people who are all the same, you know? And they just think you're the same too.
And then one day you meet this guy.
But he's not the same because he actually sees that you're not the same.
And he knows because he's the same way.
Tsk.
Roz, sounds to me like you're in love.
[SOBBING.]
I can't be.
I know that this is shallow, and I hate myself for it, but I can't be in love with a garbage man.
Well, then you need to move on and realise that you've learned something about yourself.
Great.
I've learned that I'm a snob.
No, no, just that you have certain standards that it may be difficult for others to live up to.
You know, Roz, seems you and I are more alike than we thought.
Okay, now I'm really miserable.
- Look at me, I'm a mess.
- Well, I'll tell you what.
We got a few minutes before the show starts.
Go clean yourself up.
JASON: Hey, hey, hey.
NOEL: Dr.
Crane.
DENNIS: Crane man.
JASON: What's going on? Well, my show, in about two minutes.
Uh, what can I do for you, gentlemen? Sue invited all of us to her place to watch the fight tonight on pay-per-view.
Right.
Uh, well, as tempting as that sounds, I'm afraid I'll have to decline.
- Okay, we'll catch you next time.
- Well, actually, you won't.
Jason, Noel, you there, uh Uh I've been living a lie.
Let me tell you a little something about things I don't like.
Boxing, for one.
Sporting events of any kind.
Uh Barbecues, office parties, buddy movies.
Any dish made with marshmallows.
Uh, things that I do like: The opera, the symphony, Elizabethan revenge dramas, et cetera.
So if you're not inclined toward any of these interests, well, then, frankly, our association can be civil at best.
- Are we all clear on this concept? - I told you.
[MUTTERING.]
FRASIER: Have a good day.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hmm.
Hey, what's going on? I found another box of pictures - from your childhood.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, look at this one.
You're adorable.
- Yes, it's all adorable.
My retainer, and the membership card to the Young Magicians Club, and that picture of me in my choo-choo jammies.
With your caboose hanging out.
- Adorable.
- What? Can we just give my childhood a rest for a while? How would you feel if I took your most humiliating moments and put them on display? You know, I think I've got the perfect picture frame for this one.
So she puts a few pictures out.
What's the big deal? There's a whole part of your life she missed out on.
Oh, I guess.
Besides, I like seeing your old stuff.
Oh, no one around here draws pictures anymore.
What the hell is this supposed to be, anyway? Oh, that is an Egyptian battle scene from Aida.
Look, that's Radames, and that's the jealous Amneris and Look, I misspelled Amonasro.
Oh, to be 6 again.
- What is that? - Some things from my childhood.
You asked how I'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
- Go ahead, take a look.
- Oh.
Okay Hmm.
Oh, well, that's a wonderful drawing of a, uh, turtle.
No, that's my dad crawling home from the pub.
- Well, why did you sign it Dappy? - Oh, my mom did that.
My family called me Dappy because I couldn't say Daphne.
- Really? - Yeah, I hated it.
My brothers would sing, "Dappy, Dappy, wet her nappy".
Well, I think it's precious, Dappy.
I'm going to call you that from now on, Dappy.
- No, you won't.
- Well, how about I call you Dappy until you put mementos back in the box? How does that sound, Dappy? - That's not fair.
- Oh, Dad.
You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child.
Is it worse than Piles? Well, that can't bring up fond memories.
[TRUCK ENGINE REWING.]
Roger's here.
Could I just go see him? - I don't think so, sweetie.
- Why? - Well, it's hard to explain.
- Why? [SIGHS.]
- It's complicated.
- Why? Mommy works in an office and Roger works in a truck.
And people in offices and people in trucks It's complicated.
- But I like Roger.
- I know, honey.
- Do you like Roger? - Yes, but - Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
Sarah, can you look after Alice? I'll be right back.
Roger.
Hi.
I'm so sorry that I've been such an idiot.
I don't I don't know what's been wrong with me.
All I know is that I miss you like crazy.
Do you still have an opening for a Mole queen? You sure?