Seinfeld s09e05 Episode Script

Yeah, yeah.
All right.
- Chinese food.
- There's my Chinese food.
I gotta run.
All you.
- Who was it? - I did a show for a car dealership.
- They're getting me a new Saab.
- What about your old car? - Couldn't get Kramer's blood out of it? - No.
The engine clotted.
You know who set this whole thing up? Frank Merman.
Fragile Frankie Merman? - Never liked that guy.
- Why? He's harmless.
Every summer, you guys went to camp together.
I was jealous.
It felt he was the summer me.
- He was not the summer you.
- Yeah.
Besides, you had a summer me.
Whitey Fisk, the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris.
I made him up.
So you never saw Last Tango in Paris? - No.
- Too bad, it was erotic.
Well, I've had it with these jack-booted thugs.
Pottery Barn? I got three Pottery Barn catalogs in one day.
That makes eight this month.
Mira Sorvino.
Think she'd go out with me? Why don't you just throw them out? No.
I've been saving them up here in your apartment.
And now, it's payback time.
Pottery Barn is in for a world of hurt.
Can I have one? I need one of those old-looking phones.
So you wanna grab a bite? I can't.
I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.
- So call now.
- Gotta prep.
I need a couple of anecdotes, a few you-were-right-abouts.
It's a whole procedure.
Wasn't Fragile Frankie the one that used to run to the woods every time he got upset? - That's him.
- He still nuts? - What do you think? They gave me a new car for 30 minutes of: "So who's from out of town?" Seriously, is this the best okra you've ever had or what? - Delish.
- Delish? Delish.
You know, short for delicious.
Oh, like scrump.
Yeah.
I'm gonna be late.
I'll see you later.
Excuse me.
Can I borrow your ketchup? Oh, sure.
Thanks.
- Hello? - Hey, it's Georgie.
- Let me put your father on the phone.
- Ma.
Who's this? Dad, it's me.
Listen, I was at Fortunoff's the other day and you know what you were right.
Chinese food.
Sorry, George, our Chinese food just came.
Talk to you later.
Chinese food? Hey, you like sending out catalogs? How do you like getting them back? So maybe they had Chinese food.
After dark? Please.
At their age that's like swallowing stun grenades.
Well, there's one way to check.
Where there's Chinese food there's leftovers.
Well, gentlemen Laney is in love.
Dynamite.
I'll look for the Chinese food leftovers.
Hey, hey, hey.
I met this guy.
And it was like this totally unreal fairy tale moment.
It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it? Oh, George's friend? Whatever happened to him? Nothing.
I don't know.
I gotta go.
So this is beautiful.
You and Puddy and this new guy in a big pot of love stew.
Yeah.
Puddy.
Well, I won't fire him until I see if this new guy can handle the workload.
Will you look at this? More catalogs.
Omaha Steaks, MacWarehouse.
Newsweek? I can't stop all these companies so I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point.
Stop the mail? That's even better.
- Jerry.
- Hey, Frankie.
So where's the car? This is it.
- Inside the van? - It is the van.
Don't you remember, we always talked about how cool it would be to have a van and just drive.
We were 10.
Come on.
Let's take it for a spin.
I don't want a van.
Just tell him you want the Saab.
You don't understand.
This is Fragile Frankie Merman.
When we were in camp, if you upset him he'd run into the woods, dig a hole, and sit in it.
Well, I have an idea.
Keep the van and just get a bumper sticker that says: "If this van's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking.
" Always helpful.
Oh, Georgie.
What are you doing here? Just dropped in for a visit.
You You never called me back.
Oh, the phone broke.
Well, we gotta get moving.
- What? Where are you going? - We have a catered affair.
- You're going like that? - It's creative black tie.
Move, woman.
No Chinese leftovers.
George is getting suspicious.
Elaine, I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm gonna be in the can.
Okay, Jack.
- Can I use your phone? - Sure.
Puddy? It's Elaine.
We're through.
Yeah.
That's right.
Again.
Thanks.
- Nice captain's chairs, huh? - Aye, aye.
Oh, there's a spot.
Just back up.
Hold on.
There must be a truck backing up.
- No, that's us.
- Great.
You know, Frankie, I was wondering.
What if I decided that it's silly to have a van because, you know I live in New York City.
Is there maybe some way I could exchange it? - You don't like the van? - No, no, no.
It's just hypothetically.
- I gotta go to the park.
- No.
No, you don't.
No woods.
I love the van.
I'm a van guy.
Check it out.
Rain and sleet may not stop them.
But let's see them get by these bricks.
Where'd you get the bricks? Jerry, the whole building is brick.
You wanna take a ride with me out to Jersey? I'm gonna try and sell the van to a lot.
A dealer? Are you insane? No, take out an ad.
Sell it privately.
I don't think I wanna meet the people that are in the market for a used van.
- Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.
- Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Here we go.
Yeah.
So for sale, huh? For sale.
A big juicy van.
And oh, we gotta put down, "interesting trades considered.
" - I don't wanna trade.
- No, no, no.
You don't have to.
It's all about tickling their buying bone.
You know what? This is all your mail.
They're putting it in my box now.
Let me see that.
Oh, that's it.
They have gone too far.
They keep pushing me and pushing me.
Now I got no choice but to go down there and talk to them.
Hey, Jerry.
I'd like you to meet someone.
This is Jack.
- May I help you? - Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.
Certainly.
How long would you like us to hold it? Oh, no, no, no.
I don't think you get me.
I want out.
Permanently.
I'll handle this, Violet.
Why don't you take your three-hour break? All right, calm down, everyone.
No one's canceling any mail.
- Oh, yes, I am.
- Well, what about your bills? - The bank can pay them.
- The bank.
Then what about your cards and letters? E-mail, telephones, fax machines, FedEx, Telex, telegrams.
- Holograms.
- All right.
It's true.
Of course nobody needs mail.
What, you think you're so clever, figuring that one out? But you don't know the half of what goes on here.
So just walk away, Kramer.
I beg of you.
Is everything all right here, postal employee Newman? Yes, sir.
I believe everything is all squared away.
Isn't it, Mr.
Kramer? Oh, yeah.
As long as I stop getting mail.
Welcome back.
Pretty quick, for a catered affair.
I don't know what you mean.
You ditched me.
That's twice.
Now I demand to know what's going on.
George, we've had it with you.
Understand, we love you like a son, but even parents have limits.
The breakups, the firings, and every Sunday with the calls.
What my wife is trying to say is, this is supposed to be our time.
- I'm not following.
- I'm sorry, George.
- We're cutting you loose.
- You're cutting me loose? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna make love to your mother.
They don't want to see me anymore.
But this is what you've always wanted.
It is.
Just not ready yet.
- That's kind of sweet.
- Shut up, Jerry.
My parents think they can ignore me.
Well, they better think again.
Oh, no, George.
Please.
What are you gonna do? You remember my cousin, Rhisa? - I'm gonna date her.
- Mother of God.
One little wink.
She'll freak out, tell my parents.
They'll be all over me.
What is this tape? That guy Elaine's dating seems really familiar to me.
I think he might be a comedian I worked with one time.
Wait a second.
What? What, what is this? This weekend Nobody Beats The Wiz is slashing prices on our entire stock.
Nobody beats me because I'm the Wiz.
Yes.
I'm the Wiz.
I'm the Wiz.
That is the guy.
Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy? She thinks she's in love with him.
She's just remembering this old commercial.
- That's pretty pathetic.
- I know.
They're not even related.
Hey.
Hey.
- I'm gonna get going.
- Have fun at the family reunion.
So, what do you know about this Jack fella? - Isn't he the best? - Yeah, nobody beats him.
Yeah.
What kind of work does he do? Oh, right now he's a fact-checker for New York Magazine.
It's not much, but it has a certain kind of quiet dignity.
Right.
Quiet dignity.
As opposed to, say this.
Nobody beats me because I'm the Wiz.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
Hello? Yeah, the van is still for sale.
Sure, come on by.
Yeah, I called about the van.
- Some more merlot? - Yeah, thanks.
Sure.
You know, Rhisa, l I've always found you very attractive.
What? I know it may sound shocking but I just can't stop myself from wanting you.
You wanna borrow money, right? No, no.
l I just want us to be together.
All right.
- All right? - Let's go for it.
Well, we could dance around it a little first.
No.
Let's be bad, George.
- Let's be really bad.
- Whoa, easy.
- So how come you're selling it? - You know why I'm selling it.
I hate it.
- How many miles? - Two.
City or highway? Look, do you really wanna buy this thing or what? Hey, hey.
Take it easy.
I'm not gonna be pressured.
I'll walk away right now.
Is this thing bent? - I'm not paying for that.
- All right, just get out of here.
All right.
Look, I'm gonna be honest.
I'm very interested in the van.
Okay, fine.
What do I have to do to put you in this van today? Well, I don't really have any money, but it says right here: Interesting trades considered? - You put that in.
- Glad, I did.
Here.
You wanna trade me an undershirt? No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt.
He took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.
- That's disgusting.
- Well, that's my final offer.
You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman? I'm sorry, Puddy.
It was a mistake.
Let's just, let's just put it behind us and we can continue as if this never happened.
Jeez, I don't know.
What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag Repairman? - You're not taking me back? - That's right.
He's not idiotic.
He's the Wiz.
And nobody beats him.
Nobody.
Here you go.
Mail is evil.
Pass it on.
Hey, mail blows.
Fax it to a friend.
Why does this dummy have a bucket on his head? Because we're blind to their tyranny.
Shouldn't you be wearing the bucket? Yeah.
Move along, Betty.
Is this Jerry Seinfeld's van? Not anymore.
He traded it to me for some Hollywood memorabilia.
- I'm so stupid.
- What? I'm so stupid.
Excuse I'm sorry.
Hey, nice to meet you.
She's into it? She's leaving me dirty messages on my answering machine.
So have your parents found out about it? She wants to keep it quiet.
She thinks we have a real future together.
It's a brave new world, all right.
Hey, guys.
Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going? Oh, boy, it's fantastic.
We were out in front of the post office today and not one person went in.
It's Sunday.
Why is the mailman wearing a bucket? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.
Shouldn't you be wearing the bucket? Hey, I want my van keys back.
Well, I thought we made a deal for Quinn's T-shirt? Are you insane? - Give them.
- No, I can't.
I can't.
See, I told Frank he could borrow it.
Yeah, he wants to move some of George's stuff into storage.
Wait a minute.
He's picking up the van tonight? This is perfect.
I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic then when my father slides the door open l'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter.
Jerry, one of your friends came by and he was very upset that I had your wheels.
Oh, no, not Frankie.
I didn't catch his name, but he went running into the park.
Oh, no, the woods, the hole.
- Hey.
- Kramer, what the hell are you doing? I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket to something else.
- Not that.
- What? You're in trouble, Kramer.
I shouldn't be talking to you.
I'm telling you as a friend.
Here's how it's gonna happen.
You may be walking, maybe on a crisp autumn day just like today when a mail truck will slow beside you, the door will open.
A mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift.
- Are you through? - No.
And no one will ever see you again.
- Are you through? - Yes.
No, wait.
Okay, yes.
- Quick.
Get in.
- Oh, no, no, no.
That's exactly how you said it was going down.
There's another way.
It's going down now! No, you said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know.
I know you know, but you don't know what I know.
Frankie? Frankie? Frankie? Frankie, is that you? My name is Edgar.
Have a nice night.
Thank you.
Stupid.
So stupid.
Jerry? All right, George.
I'm ready.
Yeah, hold on.
I'm I'm just trying to get a reading on my dashboard compass.
Where are my parents? Georgie.
Is this Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van.
Seinfeld's van.
- Wait.
What's he saying? - I think he's saying Son of Sam.
- Oh, my God! - I thought they caught him.
I knew it wasn't Berkowitz.
So I told him, hit the road, I'm going back with Jack.
That's the second good piece of news I've gotten.
Really? What was the first? They're bringing me back.
Yeah.
I'm the Wiz again.
What? I'm the Wiz.
I'm the Wiz.
What? What about your fact-checking job? Oh, here's a fact.
I'm the Wiz.
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Frankie.
Come on out of there.
- You hate the van.
- But I'm keeping it.
As much as I hate the idea of being a van guy it's a lot better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt people.
So can we go for a ride? Yeah, let's just get the hell out of here.
Are you done with that? Good.
He left the door unlocked.
Why did Kramer have to park the van in the woods? Isn't it obvious? There are no parking meters out here.
Hey, look at this.
Hoochie mama.
Oh, my goodness, what have they done to you here? Who are you? Well You can just call me Henry.
Henry Atkins, the postmaster general? Last time I checked.
Henry, can I get out of here now? Oh, oh, sit a bit.
Sit a bit.
I mean, after all, I drove all the way up here from D.
C.
just to talk to you.
I even had to cancel a round of golf with the secretary of state.
Do you like golf, Mr.
Kramer? Yeah.
Mr.
Kramer, I've been reading some of your material here.
I gotta be honest with you.
You make a pretty strong case.
I mean, just imagine.
An army of men in wool pants, running through the neighborhood handing out pottery catalogs door to door.
Well, it's my job and I'm pretty damn serious about it.
In addition to being a postmaster l'm a general and we both know it's the job of a general to, by God, get things done.
So maybe you can understand why I get a little irritated when somebody calls me away from my golf.
I'm sorry.
I'm very, very sorry.
Sure, you're sorry.
I think we got a stack of mail there at the desk that belongs to you.
Now you want that mail, don't you, Mr.
Kramer? Sure do.
- Now that's better.
- All right.
Newman? Tell the world my story.
- Hey, George.
- Jerry.
- Hey, that's the guy.
- What? George Costanza.
Frankie Merman.
The summer me.
The winter me.
You must be George's cousin.
Girlfriend.
All right.
Hey, what is that? That van's a-rocking.
Then don't go a-knocking.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! Oh, you gotta sell this van.
Oh, yeah.
What you saw in the van was a natural expression of a man's love for his lady.
Your father's right.
It's beautiful.
And it was safe.
Oh, God.
Now if you'll excuse me, once again your mother and l - Oh, make it stop.