The King of Queens s09e05 Episode Script

You know what? Movie starts in, like, 15 minutes.
You wanna pick up the pace, arthur? Excuse me for chewing.
It's mashed potatoes.
You don't have to chew every bite 48 times.
Not all of us have a working stomach.
I digest most of my food in my mouth.
Where do you digest the rest, on your shirt? Oh, hey, danny.
Hey, man.
What's goin' on? Ah, i just wanna catch the rest of the nets game.
Oh, beautiful.
Up 5 points with 19 seconds to go.
You got some, uh- Got some money on it? Yeah, a couple shekels.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
That's it.
Run out the clock.
Here's your check.
Oh, hey, no, wait.
That's, uh, on me tonight And, uh, the new jersey nets.
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
Hey, you and the nets Wanna buy me a gucci purse? Yeah, sure.
Maybe we'll get one for you, too, dougie.
What just happened here? How-How'd it get tied? It was actually a 3-Pointer and 2 technical fouls.
I've never seen anything like it.
Oh, my god, i can't- A steal now.
Oh, my god.
Cover him.
Just cover him.
Cover him.
Gah! Ahh! What am i gonna do? All right, buddy, we gotta go, But thanks for dinner.
Appreciate it.
Thought doug and carrie left.
What are you doing here? Watching you wallow in a place I like to call rock bottom.
What? I stayed to help you.
Your gambling is clearly out of control.
Nah, nah, nah.
I'm just runnin' cold, all right? I'm due for a hot streak.
I know it.
I said the same thing after i wagered On president thomas e.
Dewey And a series of white heavyweights.
I kicked my habit.
Now you've gotta kick yours.
All right, look, arthur, i appreciate your concern, But i don't have a problem.
Look at yourself! Desperate and penniless! Trolling the men's room For any trucker with I just came in here to pee.
That's how it starts.
All right, maybe i do have a problem, But what am i supposed to do, go to, like, gamblers anonymous? Humph.
Where they coddle you With their understanding and support.
Hardly.
I'm gonna cure you.
Really? Yes.
From now on, the only monkey on your back Is gonna be me.
I'm just sayin' that's the last time I'm letting you pick the movie.
Hey, you know what? If you won't wear the 3-D glasses, You don't have a right to criticize.
Whoa.
Look at your boobs.
They're comin' right at me.
Not tonight they ain't.
Hey, what's with the police barricades? Ok, my guess, your dad had a little too much Cough syrup, and he cursed out a neighbor.
Hey, lou, what's goin' on? Um, we're havin' a block party.
Oh, cool.
What time's it, uh, start? Um, you're putting me in a very awkward position.
Why? We weren't invited? I wanted you guys to come, But the others shot me down pretty quick.
Sorry.
No, nothin' to be sorry about.
It's ok.
Yeah.
I don't think we can make it anyway, Because we're right in the middle of a, uh, Ahem, pretty intense game of battleship.
Well, that sounds like fun.
It is fun, damn fun.
Hey.
Found battleship, but most of the pegs are missing.
Yeah.
I think my dad thought they were tic tacs.
I doubt it.
I've been tryin' to get him on those for years.
Anyway, i don't wanna play.
My neck is killing me.
Could you give me a little-Little massage? Yeah, no problem.
They're goin' all out on this block party.
They got a reggae band.
Are they makin' funnel cakes? All right, would you stop lookin' out the window? I'm just sayin', it looks like they're havin' a good time.
Oh, really? Good time? Wh-What time is it? 9:15? I'm gonna call the cops.
Carrie, come on.
Come on.
What? What's your problem? I'm just sayin', Don't you feel a little weird that I mean, there's a block party out there, And we're the only couple on the block not invited? I mean, look, there's even the guy Who everybody thinks killed his wife.
He's out there.
Doug, it's a block party.
Really, what are we missing? "Oh, i like the onion dip.
" "Why, hasn't billy grown?" Please.
I am missing that.
I love onion dip, And i gotta tell you, billy has shot up these last 6 months.
It's a moot point anyway.
The neighbors hate us.
So what? What are we gonna do? So, wh-Why don't we go down there And show 'em that we're actually nice people? How 'bout this? You go.
I stay And try some of these, uh, leftover painkillers from my gum surgery? I will.
Lou's in the dunk tank.
I'm goin' down there right now.
Hey.
Doug heffernan, 3121.
Oh.
Yeah, aren't you the people who called the cops On our last block party? You said there was gang activity going on.
You know what? That was my wife.
I gotta tell you, we're not really close.
Hey, phil.
Oh.
Hey, doug.
Hey, glenn.
Hey, i gotta tell you, I love the way your garden's been lookin'.
What do you mean? That heat wave killed almost everything.
Yeah, but less is more, you know.
Hey, who's this handsome fella, huh? Look at you.
This is sparky.
Oh.
You like dogs, doug? No.
I really don't.
I love 'em.
Oh.
Do you have a dog? No, i don't.
But i'll tell you, if i found one As cute as this one, i'd pull the trigger in a second.
Well, you can have him.
Come again? Sparky isn't mine.
I volunteer at the animal shelter, And i'm just keeping him for the weekend.
So, what do you say, doug? Is there enough room in your heart? Doug.
What the hell is this? Take it easy.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to waking up First thing in the morning to a strange dog in our bed.
Actually, it's like 1:30 in the afternoon, so Seriously? Wow.
They weren't kidding when they said don't mix with alcohol.
You found out the hard way.
Anyway, this is my new dog, sparky.
I'll be back in a little bit- Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on here? Nothing.
I just- I adopted a dog at the- At the block party.
Most people go to a block party And come back with a pie, not a dog.
Ok, i did bring home a pie.
You missed it.
Again, it's, like, All right, honey, please, just take it back to where he came from, please.
Care, come on, it's because of him That the neighbors finally like us.
And with all the running and-Heh- Playing around with him, Bonus.
You know why? Washboard.
Ah, it's gonna help you lose weight.
Ok.
Isn't that what you said When you talked me into getting you that dune buggy? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
When i flipped that thing And i got my jaw wired shut, i lost, like, 41/2 pounds.
Ok, you know what, doug? You want the dog, fine.
It's yours.
It's your responsibility.
You're gonna feed him.
You're gonna walk him, it's all on you.
Absolutely.
Gonna feed him right now.
Come on, let's go finish that pie.
Don't forget to separate the whites from the colors.
Yeah, well, havin' a little trouble Figurin' out which ones are the whites.
Watch the 'tude, junkie.
Look, i still don't get it.
I mean, how is doing your laundry Helpin' me get over my gambling problem? When you came down here, What did you wanna do more than anything else? Well, open a window.
Then i wanted to call my bookie to make a couple of bets.
I like the knicks, and the lakers, they're a lock.
And did you place those bets? No.
And why not? Because the dial on your phone was jammed with gum.
No, because i'm keeping your stubby fingers busy.
Now keep sorting.
I'm just tellin' you, guy, if you don't stretch now, You're gonna feel it tomorrow.
Who's this? Oh, it's my new dog, sparky.
Sparky, this is arthur.
Whatever you do, don't sniff his butt.
Ah.
Just so we're clear, The liver treats in the pantry are mine.
Oh.
Is this the knick game? It was.
They just crushed the trailblazers.
Oh.
Did they? And, uh, would you happen to know How the lakers fared? They won by, like, 30.
Really? Looks like someone's back on a hot streak.
All right, come on.
Let's go find us some bitches.
No, i haven't decided who i'm bettin' on tonight.
Heh.
Yes, fat charlie, i've been on quite a hot streak.
Speak of the devil.
Hold on.
Hey, arthur.
Hey! How's my favorite recovering addict? Ehh.
Hangin' in there.
Have a seat.
Let me just move these boat catalogs.
Let's talk about what teams Your diseased mind is obsessed with today.
Well, actually instead of talking about basketball And, you know, shockin' me with a car battery, I- I thought maybe we can, i don't know, Get to the root of my problem.
What do you mean? Well, i was thinkin' This whole gamblin' thing might have something to do With my father never giving me his approval.
Ok, let's work with that.
Great.
Great.
Now, if your father asked you who to bet on tonight, What team would you pick to earn his approval, The celtics or the timberwolves? What? Celtics, i guess.
Aha.
And if his love hinged on picking the over-Under Under.
Under! Righto.
God, you know, you know what? I really gotta get a handle on this, Because i don't know, sometimes i just feel so desperate That i-I feel like gettin' up on the roof and- Let's pick this up tomorrow.
One day at a time.
You're welcome.
Hey, what's up? I was just upstairs, And apparently somebody peed in the hallway.
Yeah, that was me.
All right, you know what? This isn't workin' out for me.
What are you talkin' about? Doug, you took a perfectly good dog And turned him into a big, lazy eating machine.
And in case you hadn't noticed, Already got one of those.
Oh! Slammed me there.
Heh heh.
Come on.
Sit down.
Watch the tube.
Eat some doodles with us.
It's fun.
Ok, all right, Now, h-Here's what's gonna happen.
Ok, you're gonna wake up every morning early, And you're gonna walk him, And then you're gonna feed him dog food, And then if he pees in the house, You're gonna clean it up, And if you can't do all those things, He's goin' right back to where he came from.
I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
Come on, boy.
Gotta take you back.
Believe me, if i could trade places with you, i would.
Carrie, i'm glad i caught you.
I wanted to drop off this dog training video.
It's narrated by betty white.
Oh, right.
That's great, but i'm actually not gonna be needing it, so-Ahh! You ok? Yeah, it's just i got a pinched nerve In my neck.
It's killin' me.
You know, i had that same trouble Until i got my massage chair.
It's changed my life.
Oh, yeah, i priced one of those.
And unless i'm goin' home with one of the salesmen, ain't gonna happen.
Actually, one of my clients manufactures them, So i can get you one at a third of the store price.
Really? You would do that? After what you guys did rescuing sparky, It's the least i can do.
Bless your hearts.
Well, don't bless us.
Bless all of god's creatures.
Well, i can't take him back.
What? What happened? Glenn's gonna get me an incredible deal On a massage chair because he thinks i'm a good person.
I gotta keep that goin'.
Well, have fun with him, 'cause i moved on.
I'm thinkin' about gettin' a bird now.
What? What are you talkin' about? The dog was your idea in the first place.
I don't wanna take care of him.
So think of something.
Well? Sorry.
I'm thinkin' of bird names.
What do you think of chet? Ok, how about this? We take him to the shelter, And we tell people that he ran away.
That way, we still get credit for the rescue, Plus sympathy for the loss.
Win-Win.
Uh-Uh.
No way.
It's not gonna work.
Glenn's down at the shelter Rescuing a llama or whatever every day.
What if we take him out of state, like, to jersey? Mmm.
Too close.
Too close.
Pennsylvania.
Amish country.
All right, but it's gonna suck for him, 'cause he likes tv.
Hey, did you put up the lost dog posters? Yeah.
Then lou gave me a hell of a sympathy hug.
I think he separated my shoulder, so it Well, don't worry.
Glenn said our massage chair is comin' today.
Ooh.
Maybe that's it.
Miracles do happen.
Sparky? He's back? If you can believe it, He made it all the way to lancaster, pennsylvania.
Lucky for you, they were able to scan his microchip implant.
Microchip.
Wow.
Who would have thought the amish had scanners? Well, the important thing is he's home now, And your family is whole.
Thank you.
Arthur, hey.
Oh, there you are.
Let's probe your inner demons Vis-À-Vis tonight's pacers-Cavaliers game.
Oh.
Well, i, uh- I haven't thought about it.
I haven't thought about gamblin' in days.
What? Yeah.
I think i'm, uh, finally cured.
Your therapy worked.
And, uh, to thank you, i got you this plant.
Don't be a fool.
Thinking you're cured is part of the disease.
Hey, that cost me I don't care.
Just tell me who's gonna win tonight.
Wait a minute.
Have you been betting using my picks? Hello.
Sorry.
I assumed that was a rhetorical question.
Of course that's what i've been doin'.
Ah.
So that explains the fancy jewelry And the women and all the fur hats.
You said you were helpin' me.
Ok, i deceived you, and that was wrong.
But that doesn't change the reason I started helping you to begin with.
I love you, daniel.
So, pacers-Cavaliers- Ah, you're unbelievable.
Please.
If i can double up on tonight's game, I can get myself out of this hellhole! Yeah, well, you can forget it, ok? 'Cause you've sucked from danny heffernan's teat for the last time.
One more, son? No! Good.
I don't need you.
I can make some very savvy picks on my own! Let's see.
Cavaliers-Pacers.
Oh.
Cavaliers and pacers.
My cousin jeffrey used to drive a pacer, Although he had a very cavalier attitude about it.
Free dog! We got a free dog here.
Man's best friend.
Everyone should have one.
Lady, take it home with you.
Take it home with you.
What do you say there, gramps? Come on.
Bring him with you.
Bring him with you.
There's-Nobody's takin' him.
You wanna know why? Because nobody's seen him move.
You turned him into you.
No wonder nobody wants him.
You wanted me.
Yeah, that was a million years ago, buddy.
All right, you know what? L- Let me handle this.
Let me handle this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where you goin' so fast, sweetheart? Excuse me? Yeah, uh, see, thing is This dog just showed up here, And i don't know whatsoever to do with him.
You seem like a dog guy, And i just love dog guys.
Yeah, that's- That's great.
Uh, i'm late for something.
All righty.
Nice goin'.
I tried.
Yeah.
You know what? Next time, pop a button or put a hand on him.
Always be closing.
All right, you know what? There's a bunch of families over there by the swings.
Come on.
Somebody will take him over there.
Here we go, man.
Go get it! Come on, now.
Go! Go on, now.
Go-Get out of here! We don't love you! All right, you know what? Let's just go.
All right.
Hey, man.
Hey.
Heh.
What are you doing? Um, just playin' with our dog.
Yeah.
Little game called, "get out of here.
We don't love you.
" If you can't muster the compassion in your hearts To care for this poor creature, I'll be happy to take him back.
Awesome! That sounds really great.
Thank you.
Wait.
Quick question, though.
If we give him back to you, Where does that leave us, Massage-Chairwise? Carrie, i promised you a chair.
It'll be here today.
Ah, a man of his word.
I like it.
Kudos.
So you, uh-You're probably gonna tell the neighbors about this.
No, doug.
Your selfish and deceitful behavior will be our secret.
This just keeps gettin' better.
Bring it up, buddy.
All right, bub.
You're awesome.
We'll see you at the next block party.
Just kiddin'.
We'll stay home.
We'll stay So, we're square, fat charlie? Hey, what the hell is goin' on? I had a small gambling debt to settle.
So you gave the guy my new massage chair? And douglas' autographed nolan ryan baseball.
You're so dead, old man.
Get in the house right now.
Unbelievable.
Can't believe you, dad.
I told you they were bad people.
Come on, snowflake.
Does he belong to you? Found him wandering around in amish country.