Bob's Burgers s09e06 Episode Script

1 LOUISE: So let me get this straight.
This is called a "toy aisle," and some kids have parents who come here and buy things for them? (laughs) That sounds made-up.
How are we all having the same dream right now? Kids, pick out a gift, please.
We're already late for your friend's party.
He's not our friend.
We barely talk to Colton.
He's not even in any of our grades.
There's a lot of nice people who aren't in our grades.
Name one, and don't say Mom.
You know what I think this is? Colton's padding out his invite list to get more presents.
He's a gift grubber.
Louise, come on, give Colton a chance.
Tina's right, you got to give people a chance.
Sometimes they surprise you.
Now, seriously, pick a gift and let's go.
Fine.
Rubik's Cube.
Well, a fake one.
It says "Multicolored Puzzle Square.
" - Ugh, I want it.
- Toys are great.
EDITH: There are no price tags on the batteries.
How much are the batteries? - How much are the batteries?! - I don't work here.
Then what's with the attitude?! Ugh, it's Edith.
- Kids, let's go.
- What's wrong, Dad? (imitating Bob): Give her a chance.
She might surprise you.
That only applies if it's not Edith.
She's always awful.
Dad, maybe someday when you're old, a family will run away from you.
Wow.
They went all out.
It says on the invite the theme is The Great Gatsby.
I don't know about great.
Kind of a weird theme for a kid's party.
Hi.
We're Colton's parents.
I'm Blake and this is Allison.
Well, aren't you kids the bee's knees.
Colton, come say hi! Here you go, a boater for the little gentleman and flapper feathers for the girls.
- Ha.
That's cute.
- Want to swap? Yes, please! Call me Feather Locklear.
- Colton? What do we say? - Thanks for coming to my party.
Thank you for having us, Colton.
We brought you a present.
Add it to the present pile, Colton.
Can't I just open my presents now? Party first, bud, then presents.
(groans) - See? Classic gift grubber.
- Oh, wait, before you go, Colton, let me get a pic with your friends.
After you take your finger out of your nose.
(chuckles) Finger out of your No, you just switched fingers.
Better, that's better.
Okay! Say, "23 skidoo!" ALL: 23 skidoo.
Okay, well, I got to get back to the restaurant, so, uh, have fun.
- 23 skidoo to you! - I don't know what that means.
- Neither do we! - Okay.
Bye.
Hey, Teddy, you got a spring in your step today.
Oh, no, wait, you look depressed.
Eh, well, the good news is I've got a second date with that lady I told you about, Caroline.
- That's great! - Yeah, but she wants to get sushi.
I hate sushi, but Caroline loves sushi, so I said, "Hey, I love sushi, too!" And now I got to sit across from her and choke on my disgusting lies.
Why don't you just get the chicken teriyaki? Why don't you just get the chicken teriyaki, Mort?! Whoa, whoa, Teddy, calm down.
We can help you.
We can get you to like sushi.
Really? But my date's tonight.
It's not enough time.
We'll see about that.
I'll call in a sushi order.
- Oh, my God, this is happening.
- Can I get a spicy tuna roll? Can I get a California inside-out roll, please? Hold on, hold on, let me get a pencil.
Should we just be a sushi restaurant? Don't tell Bob; we'll see if he notices.
- (Edith panting) - Hmm, is that Edith? She's really struggling with those bags.
Kinda sorry.
Oh! Pee and poop! (sigh) Oh god, alright.
Edith, hey do you need a ride? Oh Bob, I saw you in the store and tried to avoid you - Okay, so you're alright then? - Hm, I'll take a ride - Yes, that would be very helpful - Oh, great then hop in.
Your car looks like it has ants.
- It does.
- I feel bad for them.
So, you were walking really far, huh? I can't drive my car right now.
Oh, I-is there something wrong with it? No, I have fits, bad ones.
Oh, what does "fits" mean exactly? - Fits! Fits! - Or we could just not talk.
- Here.
- What are these? Pills.
Hold on to the bottle.
If I start to have a fit, just put one in my hand.
Great.
I'm so glad we're doing this.
- Bob, would you do me a favor? - Another one? I just need to make a quick stop.
I wouldn't trouble you, but it's so hard being older and not being able to drive.
BOB: (sighs) Okay, I guess a quick stop would be fine, Edith.
All right, guys and dolls, we're gonna learn the Charleston.
First you wiggle that finger.
Then you jiggle those knees.
A-wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
A-jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.
- Oh, my God, this is so cute.
- I love it.
I'm dying.
Ugh, look at Colton.
He's just picking his nose till present time.
That'd be a great name for his autobiography.
Louise, give Colton a chance.
DANCE INSTRUCTOR: Tall flapper in the glasses? Remember to wiggle your finger.
- Sorry.
- Pssh.
Colton doesn't deserve all those presents, and he certainly doesn't deserve our perfectly fine off-brand puzzle toy.
We should take it back.
What? No! I think that's against birthday party etiquette.
Well, I follow David Arquette-iquette, and that guy does whatever he wants.
Plus, I really don't think you're right about him, Louise.
Oh, yeah? Prove me wrong.
DANCE INSTRUCTOR: Tall flapper in the glasses! I'm wiggling, damn it! Ugh, finally.
Whoa.
She's walking really fast.
Like, really fast.
Drive, damn it, drive! - What? - Let's move! Go! - Wait, what's happening? - I said step on the gas, you ass! I'm stepping on it.
It's an old car.
(laughing) Eleanor Hirschbaum never knew what hit her.
Who is Eleanor Hirschbaum? What is this all about? - Quilting.
- Huh? Quilting! What else would it be about? My quilting circle was making a quilt to celebrate the town history; each member got to do a square, but my square got rejected by the bossy biddy who leads the group, Lillian.
She said the subject matter was inappropriate.
When I stood up to her, she kicked me out of the group.
Wait, wait, wait, Lillian is the lady you just stole from? - No, that's Eleanor! - So many old lady names.
Today, everyone's supposed to stitch their squares together in a ceremony at the Wharf Arts Center.
Oh, it's a big fancy to-do, but who's gonna have all the squares? Me! (laughs) Ugh.
Why did you drag me into this, Edith? Oh, I didn't plan to.
I was gonna hoof it, but then the universe sent me a guy with a filthy car - and nothing to lose.
- Nothing to lose? I-I have a family and a business.
The restaurant? You can't be serious.
Less talk more pedal, huh? We have squares to snatch.
- I-I'm taking you home.
- Grow a pair and then some hair.
I'm not doing this, Edith.
Just get out.
Ah, fine, you big baby.
Let an old lady gather her supplies and I'll be (gasps) - Edith? - (choking) Are you okay? Are you having a fit? Pill! Pill, damn it, pill! Pill! Here! Here! Aren't you gonna swallow it? - Drive me, Bob.
- What? N-No.
This is the easy part.
Then comes the shaking.
- Then the spitting.
- Are you crazy?! Take the pill, Edith! You want an old lady's fit on your conscience, Bob? Can you live with it? (retching) Can you? Fine! Fine, I'll drive you.
Just take the pill.
(sighs) Now let's ride.
I'm taking off my seatbelt.
It's chafing my honkers.
Edith, are-are you okay? I-I really think I should just take you to the hospital and not do your plan.
Your plan is very bad.
Do you always talk this much? Pull up here.
- Wait, where are we? - Phillip Frond's house.
This is Mr.
Frond's house? You're gonna steal from my kids' guidance counselor while I wait in the car? Relax, I'm not gonna hurt him.
Quilt people are pushovers.
You just compliment their needlework, and they roll over like a puppy.
And when their guard's down, snatchy, snatchy.
Keep your engine running.
Ooh, it's almost badminton time, and then it'll be present time.
Oh, won't that be a treat? For Colton.
Ugh! Gene, your feet smell really bad.
I'm airing them out.
All that dancing gave me soggy flapper feet.
Wait, I have an idea.
We don't just take our present back, we take our present back and plop Gene's smelly socks in the gift bag instead.
Colton's stinking up our Saturday, let's stink up his precious gift table.
Louise, you said you'd give me time.
Just let me talk to Colton.
He's not as bad as you think; I know it.
Ugh! Fine, Tina.
You've got until he opens presents, then the gloves come off, the feet gloves.
Okay.
Here I go.
- Hi, Colton.
- Hey.
Birthdays, huh? Hey, could I ask you something? Badminton! Come on, flappers and dappers, let's play! Glasses, talking to you.
Colton, get your game face on.
Ah, dang it.
I feel so badly about what happened with the quilters.
There are some lovely crafts in this room.
You didn't make all this stuff yourself, did you? Oh, actually, I did.
Oh, what are you, some kind of secret genius? (chuckling): Secret genius? No, no, I'm just a dabbler in the fiber arts.
Oh, my, what is that? Ah.
I call that "Needle-Point Break.
" That's Ke-yarn-u Reeves and Patrick Swayz-yarn.
It's, uh, one in a series, actually.
Well, in that case, I must see all of them.
Oh, really? I-I've got to get them.
They're in the back.
- Okay.
- Have you seen Con Air? Because there are some spoilers in the needlepoint.
Okay, well, I'll try not to look at those parts.
- Here's eight sushis.
- TEDDY: What's all the stuff? - It comes with stuff.
- It comes with stuff? Yeah, lots of little stuff.
You dip it and you dunk it.
It's like a fun little game.
Uh I got to put ketchup on it.
- (phone ringing) - No, Teddy, no.
Bob's Burgers.
- We're eating sushi.
- What? Linda, it's me.
- Listen, I might need your help.
- Bob, where the heck are you? You were supposed to be back a half an hour ago.
Well, Edith is making me drive her all over town -to get back at her quilters circle - TEDDY: Ugh, it hurts! - Why?! Why?! (groans) - Is that Teddy? Is he okay? Oh, no.
Bob, I got to go.
Teddy just ate a handful of wasabi.
I thought it was guacamole.
(grunts) Hold on, here's the guacamole.
(screams) It's that stuff again! I got to go, Bob, I got to go.
Have fun with Edith.
Good-bye.
- (Teddy spits) - Oh, my face! - Drive! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! - Okay, okay.
Edith? Huh? Darn it, I dropped Needlejuice.
Ugh, look at this crummy thing.
And they rejected my square? - My freaks? - Your freaks? - Left here.
Left.
Left.
Left! - (rock music playing) What kind of getaway driver are you? - Just do a U-ey over this lawn.
- No, I - Just drive.
Come on! - Oh, God! Come on, we got to do some quiltin'! (engine stops) - (engine starts) - That's right, drive, baby All right, smack it Get that square, baby Uh! Ooh! Come on, Bob.
That sign back there said "yield.
" - You didn't really yield.
- Yeah, it kind of felt amazing.
- You're an animal.
(laughs) - (laughs) I am.
Well, we saved the worst for last The head of the quilters circle, the horse's ass who rejected my square, Lillian.
Great, you-you deal with that.
I'll do the sitting and waiting and driving cool.
Yeah, you forgot sweating.
Nice pit stains, cool guy.
Yeah, it's a problem.
All right, next croquet group, you're up.
Can I get a picture? Colton, finger.
(sighs) Got to feel for Colton's parents.
They're working hard out there, and Colton's giving 'em nothing.
I'm gonna hit my ball towards Colton so I can try to talk to him again.
(grunts) Oh, that didn't go very far.
Let me hit again.
(grunts) That didn't go very far.
Let me hit it again.
(grunts) Now I'm getting it, now I'm getting it.
Oh, my God, he's still so far away.
It's not worth slowly tapping your way over to him, Tina.
You know, sometimes, people are as terrible as you think they are.
If you can't handle reality, you should've stayed inside of Mom.
- That was an option?! - BLAKE: Hey, I know we're in the past, but let's move into the presents.
As in, let's open some presents! Everyone looks confused.
It's fine, it's fine.
Time's up, Tina.
Gene, start the sock removal process.
- No.
- Whew! I made that.
- (gags) - I'll take those.
Oh, my God, we're gonna kill him.
Wait, wait.
Pre-present portraits.
Give me the anticipation.
Give me the jealousy.
- Smell you later.
- What are you doing? - Colton! Hi.
I was just, uh - (sniffs) What's that smell? Were you gonna take back my gift - and wrap dirty socks instead? - Whoa, slow down.
What you're describing is a felony, probably.
- No, I think it's hilarious.
- What? You do? Yeah.
It would drive my parents nuts.
This was all their idea.
They wanted everything to be perfect.
All I wanted was a pizza party for me and my imaginary friend, Pete Zaparti.
- Pete Zaparti.
Ha, ha, nice.
- Thanks, I'll tell him.
Anyway, Dad said that wouldn't look good on "sosh-meed.
" - "Sosh-meed"? - He and my mom are always telling me to "act more postable.
" Well, for someone who didn't want a big party, you seemed pretty excited to open those presents.
Yeah, because after that, everyone goes home.
I want to get to that part.
Boaters, boaters.
Everybody, straighten them out.
It's fun to have straight boaters! I'll get the bird's eye, babe.
Hashtag Colton's Gatsby Day.
Ugh.
Hashtag barf.
Uh, sir? The lady you drove here with is having a fit, and technically she's not our responsibility, so Oh, my God.
- (choking) There you are.
Pill! - Here.
Take it.
- (grunts) Dresser drawer.
- What? Her room's behind you.
The square's in her dresser.
- I am not getting it, Edith.
- (choking) - Then I'm not taking the pill.
- Ugh, fine.
U-Uh, watch her.
- I'll-I'll be right back.
- (chokes) I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
Sergeant Bosco? Is Lillian Sergeant Bosco's ? Find what you were looking for? I'm better now.
We'll be going.
- He's my lover, by the way.
- Hi.
You'll stay right where you are.
The other quilters warned me you'd be coming.
My son is a police officer.
He'll be here any minute.
He'll plant drugs on you.
He'll plant drugs on all of you! - Let's go, hot stuff.
- Oh! - Oh! Stop them! - Huh? (tires screech) - (siren wailing) - BOB: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
(whoops) Now this is how you quilt! Oh, that was maybe the worst thing I've ever done.
Really? This is a pretty good day for me.
Now point this "not rod" thataway - and drive me to my store.
- (groans) BOSCO: You called me to find your missing quilt square? Mother, this is ridiculous.
Your brother would care about my quilt.
You only visit when they have a hot fudge sundae bar.
That is not true.
Listen, I'll look into it.
- Is today hot fudge sundaes? - No.
- Damn.
- And I'm going with you.
All right, fine.
Are there cookies? - You may have one cookie.
- Yes.
Oh, wow, look at that.
Hold it up.
Higher.
Turn your head.
You're loving this, - you're loving this.
- Ah It was right in front of us all along.
Can't believe we got it so wrong.
- Well, actually, I - Shush, shush, shush.
- We all got it wrong.
- Right.
There's got to be something we can do for this kid.
Well, if he thought my dirty socks were funny, let's give him my underpants.
Ooh, or my sports bra.
Here we are.
- Good-bye, Edith.
- Good-bye, Bob.
Is what I'll say after you drive us to the Wharf Arts Center.
Ceremony starts in 20 minutes.
- Step on it, chubs.
- Are you kidding me?! No time to discuss.
If the cops are on our trail, -this is the first place they'll look.
-(groans) EDITH: How's it going back there, Harold? It's going.
Ugh, take it easy on the bumps, chump.
- He's a bad driver.
- Yeah, terrible.
- Learn to drive.
- What are you even doing? I thought the plan was just to take everyone's squares? - This is phase two.
- Phase two.
They're expecting a quilt at the Wharf Arts Center, and Harold and I are gonna give it to them.
- (sighs) Unbelievable.
- Oh, pipe down.
Soon this'll be over, and you can go back - to your boring little - (farts) - Uh, hmm.
- Was that you, Edith? - Yes.
Excuse me.
- Uh-oh.
Take one of your gas pills.
- Hmm.
Hush up, Harold! - Okay.
Wait.
Gas pills? You mean these? Hey, how come fatty's got your fart meds? - Has he got the toots, too? - Harold! (farts) So you don't really get fits? I get farts.
Close enough! Is it even true that you're not allowed to drive? The car's in the shop.
Same thing.
(groans) This is incredible.
You tricked me.
Do you know how much trouble I could get in, Edith? Not to mention my family.
My wife is probably worried sick.
- (grunting) - This is the only thing I care about in this world right now! Eat it! Both of you, out of the car.
(sighs) Come on, Harold.
Mm, okay.
- Harold, the quilt, the quilt! - Oops.
BOB: Is that your square? - What's on it? - What do you care? - It just looks - Incredible? - Maybe.
- It's the freak show.
The freak show? Yeah.
It used to be down at the Wonder Wharf.
It was a big part of this town for years.
That's Two-Faced Tommy, that's Howie the Pinhead, Bearded Becky, Tattooed Larry and his companion Pumpkinhead Gary.
There's Righty the Left-Hander.
That was freaky back then.
Uh, who's that? The-the little girl? EDITH: That's, well That's me.
My parents worked on the wharf.
The freaks looked after me, kept me out of trouble.
But Lillian thinks the freaks don't belong on the town's history quilt.
She thinks they're shameful.
Just 'cause their nipples are three times as long as ours.
Well, that one guy, at least.
Yeah, that's, uh, kind of sweet.
I-I don't know what to say.
Go home, Bob.
Harold and I will take the bus.
(sighs) No, you won't.
Get back in the car, both of you.
What? I just got out of the car.
Do you know how hard it is for me to get in and out of cars? - Harold, do what the man said! - All right.
Thank you, Bob.
Don't thank me, Edith.
Well, you know what? - Thank me.
- Yeah, I just did.
Stop flirting with my wife.
She's spoken for! Take the long way to the Arts Center.
Harold needs more time.
He's a slow sew.
I am not.
All right, I'll take the long way.
But I'm worried Bosco's looking for us.
Keep your eyes peeled.
Is that a joke about my cataracts? - No, but that's kind of funny.
- Ha.
- It's closed.
I give up.
- Oh, of course you do.
Who are you calling? Cab, hopefully? The other quilters.
I think I know where that crazy bag of bones is heading.
Get in the car.
We're going to the Wharf Arts Center.
I'll just do all my other police work later, I guess.
Last present.
Ooh, look at the light.
- Everyone, gather up.
- (sighs) Colton? Nose, finger.
Separate them.
Ugh, they're all over him.
- You know what? Enough's enough.
- Wait, what? This one's for you, Colton.
Uh, little girl? Finger? We got any other pickers at the party? Come on, don't be shy.
Wait, what's-what's going on? Don't be afraid to double barrel it.
Absolutely not.
No double barrel.
- Yes, double barrel.
- That's it, that's it! Nice, uh, house.
Tell me about these sconces.
The sconces are from Florence, and there's a whole story there, but right now you need to tell me why you're trying to ruin Colton's party.
- It's not my party.
- What did you say, sweetie? The party's really for you guys.
(chuckles): What do you mean? I think what he means is, sometimes we do things for our kids, but they're not really for our kids.
I mean, not that I have kids, that I know of.
(chuckles) Colton's saying this party is one big photo op.
What? That's ridiculous.
Oh, my God, it's true! (crying) - It is! It is! - You kids don't get it.
I mean, everybody that I work with has such beautiful photo feeds.
Every weekend, this family's petting a manta ray, that family's jumping off a dune during a fireworks display.
Where do they find these fireworks dunes? We're all looking for our fireworks dunes, bro.
So, what are we gonna do here? All right, Colton, one last gift and no pictures.
Nice.
So we just take pictures with our eyes, and save them to our brains? God, the resolution of my eyes is so good.
- You're doing great, guys.
- I've been taking pictures of the inside of my pocket this whole time and I think I posted them all.
I'm liking them, I'm liking them.
God, we're sick.
(siren wails, tires screech) Oh, crap.
Go, go, go, go! - Oh, oh, oh, shoot them! - I'm not shooting somebody because my mother tells me to, again.
- Ugh, these bozos.
- There's the quilt thief.
- The quief.
- Bob Belcher? I thought that was your car.
I didn't figure you for a quief.
Stop saying that like it means "quilt thief.
" Hi.
I'm the director of exhibitions.
The sewing ceremony for the quilt celebrating town history, - is that still happening, or ? - LILLIAN: It's happening.
But this woman will play no part in it.
Hand over the quilt, Edith.
- Come and take it, Lillian.
- Yeah, bring it.
Now, now, no need for this to get nasty.
Give the quilt to me, nice and easy.
Wait, everybody.
Edith's square, just give it a chance.
Listen, I-I know what Edith did looks bad.
And I know she's difficult, possibly horrible.
And yes, Edith wants to put freaks on the quilt, and that might not sound very pretty.
Oh, enough! What on earth does Edith see in this man? But Edith knew the freaks, and they were regular people.
They were good people.
Sometimes we judge people on what we think we know about them, but that's wrong.
Just take a look at Edith's square.
Beautiful needlework.
Wonderful detail on the nipples.
So, who votes to give this quilt to the Wharf Arts Center? Do you vote on things? - No! - We vote.
- Sometimes we vote.
- No, we don't! - All those in favor? - OTHERS: Aye.
All those opposed? Nay! Sorry, Lillian.
Looks like the freaks stay on the quilt.
Staying on the quilt! - Yes! - Uh, Bob? My mom's all riled up about this.
I was wondering if, uh, you could help me out? Get in the car, perp.
You're making a big mistake, Bosco.
Yeah, we're not going quietly.
Punk-ass Po-Po.
Thanks.
I'll drive you around for a while, then drop you off somewhere inconvenient.
And let that be a lesson to you crazy quiefs.
So you spent your whole day with Edith? - How was that? - Actually great.
You guys spent your whole day at that weird party.
How was that? It was medium fun, actually.
I may take up nose picking.
- Godspeed.
- I had a big day, too.
I taught Teddy how to stop hating sushi.
Really? How-how'd you do that? Well, I mean, I kind of taught him.
Great place.
So glad we're eating here.
And I-I will have some sushi.
Mmm.
Ow.
What the ? Ooh, guacamole! (shouts, grunts) Oh, God! I've been drivin' all night, my hand's wet on the wheel There's a voice in my head that drives my heel It's my baby callin', says, "I need you here" It's a half past 4:00, and I'm shiftin' gear We've got a thing that's called radar love We've got a wave in the air Radar love.