Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s09e06 Episode Script

COMPO GIVES A LOUD, DRAWN-OUT YAWN I could murder an ice cream.
NOW he tells us! It's only just happened now.
Superb timing(!) I bet you were always late for workabout 40 years late.
It was me back.
Ugh! There's a creepie-crawlie on me cap! You come all this way and there's a creepie-crawlie on your cap! So what? So how did it know we were going to be here? If you were looking for someone's cap, would YOU come out here? I wouldn't come out here looking for an ice-cream either(!) SLURP! SLURPING Ice-cream's not what it used to be.
It's noisier, I'll give you that.
He does ice-cream in stereo.
That bit down your jumper looks just like it used to be.
Oh, modern ice-cream's all right for getting down yer jumper, but was it worth rowing back for? You DIDN'T row, you idle monkey! You just played Captain Birdseye! SOMEONE had to be on the poopdeck.
Norm, why do they call it the poopdeck? It's where they exercised the dog.
On the right deck then, wasn't he? Tha's touchy cos I didn't row.
I WOULD have rowed, but I've got this terrible back Awrghh! And an even more alarming front(!) It's a cross I've had to bear - no heavy work of any kind.
But you keep remarkably cheerful.
I do me best.
I've seen you lifting Nora Batty.
Funny you should say that.
There's a knack to lifting Nora, and I suffer for it afterwards.
She hits you with a bucket.
Who's paying!? Not me - I've got this back.
OH, this back, this back! .
.
The silly thing is, I took all my pound coins out last night for polishing.
And I've forgotten to, em I'll pay.
It's easier than trying to come up with excuses more ingenious than that.
You give in too easily.
Me nerve goes.
THEIRS doesn't! I'm just a civilian at hanging on to money.
Seymour's a samurai.
What about short-and-shapeless? He never has any money.
Is he surprised? I think so, sometimes.
You have to admire the way he's led such a worthless life on no income.
It's encouraging.
It shows that poverty can be within everybody's reach.
Where does it hurt? It's agony.
Agony, agony, agony.
WHERE is it agony? Funnily enough, just where some great long prong keeps prodding it (!) It's only a layman's opinion - a highly-qualified layman - but you need some support.
What about 50 pound a week? A LUMBAR support.
Hey up, I'm not getting lumbered with a support! Hey! We're a cafe, not a clinic.
Out! Hey up, it's the Dolly Sisters! If you could bottle expressions like that, it'd cure warts.
I'll kill him! We all feel like that sometimes.
I feel like that ALL the time! What's up? She's weak from pure nastiness.
It's her husband.
It usually is.
She's just been told that's he's been seen out cycling - with Marina! I'll KILL him! Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
That I'll kill him!? No, no, not that - cycling with Marina.
Have you seen her!? She looks like a badly spray-painted bird's nest! Come now, ladies! Some harmless exercise on a bike isn't the end of the world.
Common interest in the countryside.
Is a husband to be banned from all other female companionship? What's the harm in a little extra-marital jaunt on a bicycle? Out! I haven't finished my bun! It's not a good time to finish your bun! You great reckless gubbins! I've never seen anything so brave! Not just ANY three, but THEM three! Makes you proud to be British.
All I said We know what you said.
A female posse, getting ready to gun down an outlaw husband.
Seymour rides up, opens his big gob, and starts contradicting not only Pearl, not only Ivy, but BOTH of them PLUS NORA BATTY! WHO did! Randolph Scott.
Well done, Randy.
Well done, son.
CREA-EAK! It's here somewhere The ice cream needs the return of the salesman on the bicycle.
Remember? They had the human touch.
They used to have a little notice - "Stop Me And Buy One".
I could never afford one.
Awww (!) With the beer and the fags, there was nowt left for non-essentials.
The only time I tried to stop one, he knocked me over and fetched all the skin off me knees.
"Damn kid!", he said, swinging wildly with his "human touch"! Not a bad way to start a business.
Low outlay, very few overheads.
Pedalling a great box of ice-cream! It's too hilly round 'ere.
Not with proper gears.
Be no good for my back.
Ooohh, my back, arrgh! Please! Leave the technology to me.
Ah! Your back trouble days are overthanks to THIS ! What IS it? I don't know, but I wouldn't like to take one three times a day after meals.
Don't laugh.
I know it LOOKS like a bit of old rubber.
People always said that.
I know! It used to be a rubber duck.
It DIDN'T used to be a rubber duck! You're looking at Utterthwaite's Patent Back Support.
Worn discreetly under the garments, it guarantees hours of relief.
It's just a bit of old rubber! Just what you've always wanted hidden discreetly under your clothes - a bit of old rubber.
It's perfectly sound in principle! I don't care what the conservative fools at the Royal College said.
Pop up to the bedroom and slip this round your waist? You what!? Go on.
OK.
Boys, pour yourselves a cuppa while I slip into me rubber duck.
Would you say your Howard was a man of(powerful appetite)? He goes ape for jam roly-poly.
It's like something primeval.
On honeymoon, he came up to me, grinning sheepishly, and showed me this picture in a book.
Jam roly-poly! Made me promise I'D do it like that.
Pearl, how are you and Howard when it comes to ("relations")? He can't stand my family and I can't stick his.
Oh, he's not big magic hormone-wise if that's what you're wondering.
I'm glad to hear that.
A marriage stands a chance if it's built on a sound basis of unexcitement.
He's unexciting.
I'll give him that.
The men round here generally are.
We've got a lot to be thankful for.
So what are you worried for? I want him unexciting with ME, not someone else! How long are you gonna polish that same bit!? There's fly muck on it.
Stuck on wi' superglue (?) Sun-baked fly muck is tough stuff.
Shut up, Milburn! We don't want the entire recipe.
Did you see that? What's he up to? Probably nothing.
Train 'em right and they automatically feel guilty.
But it doesn't do to let 'em get away with anything.
It doesn't do to let 'em away with ANYTHING.
One man, a bicycle, a boxful of ice-cream - we could be in business.
These are VERY low overheads.
Hmm.
It's like wearing a woman's corset! When did YOU last wear a woman's corset!? Never mind that! What good is this!? None, till we've inflated it.
INFLATED it!? Hey up! No, no, no! Whereupon it will begin to exert a gentle, soothing pressure.
Where's your valve? Pardon? I can't inflate it till you find me the valve.
Oh.
I'll 'ave a look.
I've lost my valve.
Did you have it when you came in? Heck, I hope so! Oh, find his valve, Clegg.
B-b-but Can't we draw lots? No, we can't! I'm on the pump, you find his valve.
Norman, whatever happens, don't get this wrong! I don't intend to! I'm waiting.
What's it look like? A little wiggly thing.
Did you want me? You'll wear that car away.
I'm just washing it.
Again! I like a clean car.
Sit down for two minutes.
The car won't go running out to roll in some dirt.
What did you want me for? I thought we'd go for a ride.
Maybe take a picnic.
Of course, let's call it off if it's going to dangerously over-stimulate you (!) No, I'd like to go for a ride.
Ohh A nice long ride in the country.
We could listen for that valve slapping.
Tell me if it sounds to you like a valve slapping.
No, he shouldn't be bulging THERE.
What's he bulging there for? Maybe it's those "low overheads" you were on about.
I've lost the crease from my trousers! It's back-to-front.
Oh Not to speak of upside down.
Go and change.
PHWEE-EE-EE-PHRRPPP! ROADHOG ! I can't walk to town like this! I feel like me belly's been permed! I'm getting us a lift, aren't I !? Oh, I saw thee (!) Great stuff (!) How's your back? Terrific.
It's the rest of me that's numb.
The scruffier they are, the more they complain! He's just seeking attention.
I feel a right Daphne.
Wait till you start getting whistled at.
Hello, Uncle Seymour.
Glenda! Barry.
You're going our way.
We're going the OTHER way.
For a picnic.
Well, mustn't delay you.
We just need a swift lift to your father's.
He's doing a little job for us.
But they're going the wrong way.
Of course they are! Back to town is no good for a picnic.
PHWEE-EE-EE PHRR-RR-RRP PHRRP ! Told you it wouldn't take a minute.
PHWEE-RRR-P ! Off you go.
Have a nice picnic.
Can you hear that valve slap? I don't want to hear another thing! Highly musical, weren't we!? It's not MY fault! I think I've sprung a leak.
Sure you weren't seeking attention? Cos you certainly had MINE.
What's he gawping at!? Probably trying to figure out if you're new or just a remould.
I say, Wesley! Well done! YES ! We like it! Best I could do at short notice.
It's very good.
Very good! It's geared right? Very light.
You said very light.
You've got it.
A little light doesn't come on! It's not a working fridge.
What do you want - bathroom en suite (!?) It LOOKS like a fridge.
It'll make people think of delicious ice-cream.
We can bung a few ice-cubes in.
"We"? Well, yes.
I've always seen this as a team enterprise.
Stop Me And Buy Ones were like Spitfire pilots - they went solo.
Yes, but they needed some back-up.
Oh, that's right down your alley - putting peoples' backs up.
We can be his ground crew.
Not only a rubber duck, you've got a ground crew! Why ME !? What gratitude.
You mend someone's back, you'd think PHWEE-EE ! I'm taking it off! Ohhh! Ohhh! Attention seeker! SQUEAK OF BICYCLE The thing is to go where the ice-cream vans never travel, where people think they're beyond the reach of ice-cream.
Suddenly, out of the sun, comes Waferman! It's a bit heavy, this machine.
Sit back, then.
Firm as a rock.
Oh, so you'll be selling rock, with your name all the way through it.
How do you spell "pillock"? Rock That may not be a bad idea! Bog off! Why not tie a bag of coal round me neck!? I can flog a few Sunbrite Nuts (!) N-o-o You'd leave black thumbprints on everything.
Might be worth a try in winter Door-to-door delivery, no quantity too small.
It's a social service, really.
We may get a Council grant.
Never gave me one for my Meals on Wheels.
Thirty waitresses on roller skates.
It's so light a child could ride it.
You'd better find a child, then.
That's it, throw away all that commission! Commission!? SQUEA-EA-EAK Oh! There! Customers already, down by the picnic site, waiting for cool, refreshing ice-cream.
What's all this? Your uniform.
WOW (!) A frozen uniform! Nobody said owt about a uniform.
Thought we'd surprise you.
Yes, I think it'll surprise you.
Where the hell did you get THIS !? It was too small for Crusher.
You can keep it.
I don't WANT it! If you pick over every little fault "LITTLE"!? What's little about THIS !? Just adjust your money bag.
It'll pull things in a bit.
You look like a specialist in mountain warfare.
No need to salute.
Remove that thing from his head.
"Thing"!? My favourite headgear! You need something smarter.
I bet I look a right twit! What gives you that idea (?) Get on the bike.
Put up the umbrella, Clegg.
Just one last little item.
Say "ah".
Ah What IS it? It's to attract customers.
It's a wild-duck call, but it'll attract the customers.
QWAR- RRR - RKK ! Can I give some advice? QWARK.
Well, the thing about selling to wild ducks QWARK QWARKS !? You've got to make sure that they've got the right change.
QWARRR- RRKKK ! Let's get on with it.
QWRK ! Are you ready? QWRK.
Then go sell ice-cream! TA-RA-QWARRKK ! I bet his saddle's getting warm.
Wouldn't hot chestnuts be better? He'll give up in a minute.
He's got no staying power.
This bike's moved about 20 yards and I've pedalled about 3 miles! She's geared a trifle light.
I'm not flying down that hill till I'm sure the brakes are OK.
Very sensible.
Why not coast down a short way and check them? I will.
Is your saddle warm? Warm!? I just hope my Y-fronts don't catch fire! Well, are you ready to bring ice-cream to this rural vastness? TA-RA-QWARK ! He's a game little beggar.
He'll do anything for me, you know.
He's got what every decent Englishman has deep down - a little, sacred flame of pure stupidity.
Very useful to me, a gift like that.
Do you think his brakes are OK ? Of course! I wouldn't let him go if I wasn't confident his brakes were all right.
QWARK ! QWAA-AARR-AARRKKK!! Tell me more about Nature, Howard.
I think it's nice the way you're really interested in Nature.
Not everyone would believe that's why we come here.
On the other hand, why else would a girl put all her make-up on, never mind her false eyelashes and her best blouse? Pearl's been a good wife in many ways.
I can think of several.
Well, a few, anyway.
But she's never really been ecstatic about Nature.
Fancy (!) She'd never compose poetry to a vegetable.
You're on your own with poetry for vegetables.
Right? You learn to make allowances APPROACHING: QWARK ! What was that? Just a duck, my love.
Funny fizzing duck! A WILD duck, my love.
WOW ! How wild can you get!? Anyone for a Raspberry Ripple? Hey up, Pearl's looking for thee.
Pearl!! QWA-ARRKKK !