Modern Family s09e06 Episode Script

1 Behold the Quantum Flux.
A magic portal to the past, what some might call a "time machine.
" This is where you guys go "Oooh.
" - No, thank you.
- Just get on with it.
"Ooh," indeed.
I'm throwing Dad and Gloria's 10th anniversary party, and Phil is part of the entertainment.
I'm gonna make Gloria seemingly dematerialize, then wondrously travel back through time, and then rematerialize in her wedding dress.
She's gonna change her clothes in a box.
This is why I'm nervous about you introducing me.
I'm kidding! You're gonna be great.
He better be great.
I want Dad and Gloria's party to be perfect.
I was kind of a pill at their wedding.
I hadn't fully accepted Gloria yet.
And I feel a little responsible for what happened with my mom.
I fed her, like, three drinks at the reception.
You know, just to take the edge off.
[AS GLORIA.]
I'm Gloria! Kiss me! Oh, hey, kiss me! [GUESTS GASPING, MURMURING.]
- MITCHELL: No, no! Oh, geez! Mom! Mom! - [SCREAMING.]
She almost took the doorframe off.
Into the wormhole she goes.
Clocks turn backwards, calendar pages re-attach themselves, and behold! The beautiful bride! Guys! This isn't exciting to you? Use your imaginations.
Picture me standing next to Gloria in a wedding dress.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- We're done.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Mitchell, did you get the cake? Yeah, yeah.
I got everything.
Okay, good.
I'll have to meet you at Dad's.
I need to go with Phil to pick up his magic box.
Oh, and, hey, you told Phil not to mention the trick to Cam, right? If Cam finds out, he's just gonna want us to do some kind of performance, too.
Pretty sure I told him not to say anything.
[DRUM FLOURISH.]
Yeah, pretty sure you didn't.
MITCHELL: So, uh, what's all this? This is redemption.
Maybe just a straight answer.
The year was 2007.
The wedding reception of Jay and Gloria.
Our gift to the newlyweds was a duet performance - of "Islands in the Stream.
" - "Islands in the Stream.
" - A gift that would never be, because - I remember.
I fed my mom a few drinks at the reception.
I really did not want to sing, so I figured if I got her a little tipsy, I wouldn't have to perform because I'd have to hold her hand No, no, no! Oh, geez! - Mom, Mom! - [SCREAMING.]
and later hold her hair back.
Well, your family has wondered for 10 years "What if?" Today, they find out what for.
Mm, I don't know, Cam.
I'm a little rusty, and acoustics are never good inside a tent.
And, oh! This party isn't about us.
There's a whole slate of performers.
Gloria's changing in a box.
Which makes our medley all the more welcome.
It's a medley now? No! No.
In no way, shape, or form am I performing today in front of my judgmental family.
- Fine.
We'll just go to the party.
- Thank you.
- No medley.
- Exactly.
- Wait.
This isn't a trick - Just three un-related songs.
You just agreed.
Rehearsal starts right now.
- Jump in when you're ready.
- [MID-TEMPO RHYTHM PLAYS.]
Why are you cooking? Are you allowed back there? It's our anniversary.
Can't I do something nice for your mother? Maybe.
Morning, beautiful.
We have huevos, we have chorizo, we have tortilla.
What we ain't got is Manny.
Unfortunately, he's gonna be a no-show at the party today.
Aha.
What can I get you? Take that garbage away from me.
I'm going for a walk.
Manny was a big part of our wedding.
He walked Gloria down the aisle, did the calligraphy.
And I knew him not showing up to our anniversary party would put Gloria in a bad mood.
In some ways, I feel responsible.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You're home again? You're in college.
You can't come back every weekend! - So no hug? - I love you, but you're not making the most of your college experience by being here all the time.
My father dropped me off my freshman year, and I didn't see him again till the spring.
- You want to know why? - I don't know.
Something about dames and fistfights? Exactly.
Too busy making friends, chasing skirts, and things of that nature.
But your mother and I think it's bad for you to be here all the time.
So hit the road, and we'll see you at Thanksgiving.
Wait.
I'm banned from my house? Don't think of it that way.
You're banned from my house.
Technically, Gloria was not in on this decision, in the sense that she was not in on this decision.
- [DOG BARKING.]
- Ruff, ruff, ruff! [DOG WHIMPERS.]
I was a little grumpy.
I had agreed to do this magic trick at the party with Phil.
I go into a box, and then I come out in my wedding dress.
But there was a problem.
Pull! - She won't budge! - [GRUNTS.]
The only logical explanation is that somebody snuck into my closet and shrunk my wedding dress.
Like, probably my sister.
So for the past week, I've had to, like, get even skinnier than I was at my wedding.
Oh, shut up.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Be cool.
Phil, it's a magic shop.
I'm the coolest person that's ever been in here.
[BELL DINGS.]
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
How does he do it? - I'm kidding.
I know how he does it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Claire, meet the legendary Mister Ekshun.
- Hello.
- And what's this behind your ear? - Oh, just some sweater fluff.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Well, the place looks great.
Can you imagine coming here every day? I wish it was every day.
I have less and less time for the old Illusionatorium, with all the road jobs I still book.
Would you mind quickly walking me through - the Quantum Flux Illusion? - Uh-huh.
Well, according to magic bylaws, I can't disclose the secret in the presence of a non-licensed magician.
Not a problem.
I can just step outside.
Nonsense! We prepare for such things.
Ah! The old sensory-deprivation helmet.
- Oh! - I put that baby on, it's almost like I don't have roommates.
Yeah, I, like I said, could just step out - [MUFFLED.]
Outside would be fine.
- [GRUNTS.]
[HELMET CLICKS.]
- She's lovely.
- Yeah.
I'm super lucky.
Thank you so much for helping me with this.
Are you kidding? I wouldn't have this life if you hadn't turned down the magician gig on that Ixtapa cruise years ago.
What? I-I was never offered that job.
Yeah, they said they called you and never heard back, so they moved on to me.
I never got that call! Oh! [GASPING.]
I couldn't breathe! I couldn't breathe! Well, you forgot to turn on the ventilator.
That was supposed to be my job? No.
This was supposed to be my job.
I look stupid.
Hey, you see what a bad mood your mother's in? That's because she misses Manny.
Today, you're Manny.
But wouldn't she miss Joe then? Don't overthink.
Just go in there, act all heartsick, and tell her you want to have high tea.
Hey, Mom.
Why are girls such a mystery? Have a scone! Get out of here.
I cannot even look at that.
Yikes! Shake it off.
That's okay.
That's a good first try.
Go grab his pan flute! How's my bride? Ay! So big now.
I know.
It snuck up on me, too.
But remember, letting go is a natural part of life.
No.
It's terrible, Jay.
And sending Joe in here with scones made it worse! [NOTES PLAY.]
Silencio, Fulgencio! [OFF-KEY.]
That old black magic has me in its spell That old black magic that you weave so well - Take it, Daddy! - [DRUM SOLO.]
[SOLO STOPS.]
- [CLAPS.]
- Oh! Hi, Mitchell.
You know what? I def traded up with Lily.
I'm glad you backed out.
Lily, why don't you go rest your instrument? So, uh, just to break down this "foolproof" plan, you thought this would make me so jealous that I'd beg to be back in the act, didn't you? Um, no.
I just found a younger talent that I clicked with.
Okay, well, I look forward to watching you two perform.
Well, I envy you getting to watch us perform.
Lily, sweetheart, get in here! The rehearsal's not over! Y-Y-Yeah, time's a-wasting, my little thrush! And hurry! The party starts real soon! Okay, you know what? You win.
You know I'm never taking the stage with that screech owl.
Just sing.
It would be very important for you.
- For me? - Yes.
Your family has been entranced by my performances many times.
I don't need this, but over the last 10 years, I've watch you shrink in their presence.
And you love to sing.
I like it fine.
And when we go out, you're the first person to grab the karaoke mic and scat the night away, and you're good at it.
You know what people are calling you? Mnh-mnh.
"Fella Fitzgerald.
" They do not! Yes, they do.
And just once, I would love to watch your talent soar in front of your family and shut them up for good.
- But if you don't want to - You know what? Screw it.
I don't even care that I'm mostly sure you're manipulating me right now.
We're doing this.
I knew you'd come around.
Welcome back to the act.
Okay, now, this is a bit much for me.
So Hey, Beardy.
Have you seen Manny Delgado? I think the make-out king is a little occupied.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
MANNY: Have you no respect for the ascot?! What are you doing here? I need you to come to our anniversary party.
I thought I was persona non grata.
Now I'm halfway into flagrante delicto.
This, I don't miss.
Your mother is upset you're not gonna be there.
Well, then maybe she shouldn't have banished me from the house.
I may have accidentally led you to believe that she was part of that decision, - when actually - I knew it! I knew my mom wouldn't be that mean to her little papi.
DENISE: Manny? [DEEP VOICE.]
One minute, baby.
[CHUCKLES.]
- That's been working? - [NORMAL VOICE.]
Shut up.
So, I've been icing my mother for a week because of you? She must think I'm the worst son.
Then come home and make her day.
I'm not dropping everything to come home and bail you out.
Tomorrow, maybe and I'm telling her you're the reason - I haven't been around.
- Hold on.
Hold on.
It's better if she hears it from me.
I just have to spin it as if it's something I did in your best interest.
And I'm supposed to back that up like I'm somehow better off because - Where'd you go, baby bear? - [DEEP VOICE.]
Coming, baby bear.
You're welcome.
But two baby bears? [NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm new at this.
- Hey, Claire.
Quick question.
- Uh-huh.
I see that you only have Mitch and I down for one song.
Which isn't enough time to tell a story.
So we would be willing to cut our set list to six songs.
Cool.
So we'll keep it at one? - Okay, so five quick songs, then? - One song.
Okay, I would be willing to close this right now at three songs.
One quick song, and if you so much as begin to introduce the band, I'll cut the power off.
Okay, that is not the way you talk to talent.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Gloria? GLORIA: I'm in the bathroom! Come in! Oh, uh It's It's Phil.
Come in! - Phil Dunphy.
- Phil! Hey.
The dress is in that bag over there.
Oh, great.
I'll hide it in the back of the time machine.
You, uh You got a big wrestling match coming up? I am having a bad day.
I don't feel like doing the chitchatting.
Not having a great day myself.
Missed a phone call 15 years ago that could have launched a second career as a magician.
I could've had it all.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Realtor by day, magician by night.
Just like the hero of that rock opera I never finished.
Phil, this feels like the chitchatting.
Well, I should probably get going.
The steam's starting to pucker up my suit.
Whew! Done.
It's the same suit I wore to your wedding.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can't believe how loose it's gotten.
[WHIMPERS.]
[APPLAUSE.]
And now it is my pleasure to bring up the first of our very special entertainers.
Here to perform one song, Cameron and Mitchell.
[APPLAUSE.]
Just relax.
Okay, now, remember it's just like karaoke.
Yeah, yeah, I-I got it.
I got it.
Sing a little and then throw to the drum solo.
Okay.
Okay.
["THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC" PLAYS.]
That old black magic Has me [GULPS.]
in its spell That old black magic that you Weave so well [CHUCKLES.]
Icy fingers up and down my spine The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine - Take it, piano guy! - [PIANO SOLO.]
Be-Ba-da Ba-Ba-da-doop Bop-da-boop Ba-da-baaa Ba-Ba-da-baa JAY: Look at him go.
You know, he was raised a mama's boy.
Now he's a strong, capable man making nonsense noises that sound a lot like instruments.
Let's hear that guitar weep! [GUITAR SOLO.]
Waah-waah-waah Waah-waah-waah waaaaahh Waah-whoa And there is someone that we haven't heard from yet.
Take a walk with me, Mr.
Bass Man.
- [BASS SOLO.]
- Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo Bah-Bo-Bo-Bo da-bi-Bo Bo Bo Bo Bah-bah bah-doo-Ba Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba Wha, wha, wha, wha What do you do When faced with black magic? Hey! [APPLAUSE.]
Thank you! Thank you so much! One more time! Okay.
Nope.
[DRUMMING.]
[CHEERING.]
Thank you very much.
Uh, muy kind, pero I know you're only doing it to make me feel más better.
Wow.
Somebody's been listening to Rosetta Stone in the car.
Cam, come on.
Talk to me.
What in the skibbity doo wop was that? [LAUGHTER.]
Did you bring your own studio audience? No.
They're Gloria's family.
Unlike some people, they feel things.
Cam, look, I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
It seemed deliberately hurtful.
Every musician got a solo except the one you promised to have and to hold.
- TOGETHER: Aww! - Okay, do you mind? Thank you.
Look, Cam, I-I'm sorry I forgot to throw it to you, but I-I was just swept up in the moment.
It That was It was exhilarating.
I-I Did you hear those people cheering? Well you were brilliant.
Not the most generous of performances, but I was completely free in front of my entire judgy family, and none of that would have happened without you.
Well, I think I hear what you're saying that half of that applause was mine - 'cause I transformed you.
- Okay.
Well, that's better than any 10-minute drum solo.
So you'll tell everyone this was my doing? Of course I will.
Come here.
TOGETHER: Ooh! Okay, I'll spin the box two times, you'll have 30 seconds to change into your wedding dress.
Or I change into an old pair of pajamas to show the people how comfortable I have always been with Jay.
Oh, yeah.
Sure, Gloria.
Why don't we just throw the script out and you can say whatever you want, 'cause the audience already thinks the actors make it all up anyway?! I'm sorry! JAY: What's going on? It's okay, Phil.
He's very upset because 15 years ago, he missed a phone call for a job to do boat magic.
That's why you've been sulking all afternoon? My life would be completely different if not for stupid fate! Fate? Let me ask you something.
And there's a real lesson here.
Do you like how your life turned out? Yeah, sure.
Great family, steady work, bus benches? I got that call when you weren't home and never gave you the message.
What question mark, exclamation point?! Why would you do something like that?! To save him from himself.
People sometimes need a gentle nudge to make the right choice.
And, luckily for everyone, I'm here to do it.
And not just for Phil.
I know you're wondering why Manny isn't here.
- I b - Who's ready for some magic? Phil, Gloria, you're up.
[APPLAUSE.]
- Honey, you okay? - Nope! Ladies and gentlemen, the scientists would have you believe that time travel is poppycock.
But today, on the anniversary of the wonderful Gloria and Jay, I shall confound the skeptics and transport this beautiful woman back in time to the day of her wedding.
Gloria, get in the box! Drumroll, please.
[DRUMROLL.]
[CYMBALS CRASH.]
[DRUM SOLO.]
[SOLO CONTINUES.]
[SOLO ENDS.]
Whoo! Yes, drums! Yes! Anyway, watch as she disappears into the wormhole.
That's my trick.
I'm done.
What do you mean, you're done? Bring her back.
- [THUMP, THUMP.]
- GLORIA: Okay, I'm ready! You made my dream disappear.
Now yours is gone.
iHola! I want to come out! Phil.
Phil, you are Dede-ing my party.
Your father Dede'd my life.
He's the one who got the phone call 15 years ago about the magic job and never told me.
Oh, Phil.
Your family has always treated me like a child who can't make his own decisions.
I couldn't even make an outfit choice for the wedding without your mother commenting on it.
That's why I slipped her those three drinks at the reception.
- [THUMP, THUMP.]
- GLORIA: It's very warm back here! You need to let Gloria out of that box.
And my dad had nothing to do with that.
I'm the one who told him not to give you the message.
- [THUMP, THUMP.]
- Did I miss the "Ta-da"? Phil, I'm so sorry.
But your business was just taking off, - and the kids were really little.
- No, no.
I-I don't want to hear it.
My own wife is the reason I don't have a career in magic, a thing I was born to do?! Look at me! I haven't changed in 10 years! [GIGGLES.]
[RIP, POP.]
-Aaah! -Oh! - [CROWD MURMURS.]
- Aah! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Gloria! You came! Thank God! Not because of you.
I couldn't enjoy my time with Denise knowing my mother needed me.
I mean, I enjoyed it a little.
She's a dance major trying to replace food with affection.
I really don't care.
Gloria! I have a surprise for you! - I'm here! - Okay.
I was kind of expecting a bigger reaction.
Yeah, I thought for sure Manny being here would tip the scales.
No! I don't need anyone to do that for me! Just leave me alone.
What kind of sick game are you two playing? Do you have any idea what I gave up to be here? What's going on with you, Gloria? [SOBS.]
This dress doesn't fit me anymore! That's it?! I drove all the way to Manny's dorm for nothing? Oh, because you've made the sacrifice today.
- [SIGHS.]
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
You don't understand.
I tell people that I work hard to stay fit and to stay young, but the reality is that I barely do anything.
But now my body is getting - Bigger? - How dare you! But yes.
[SIGHS.]
But I've always looked a certain way.
And now that I don't, then what am I? Just a self-trained hairdresser with a hot-sauce business.
You still have that? Gloria, you're so much more than how you look.
That's what you say to people that are not that pretty anymore.
Are you insane? You could be my age and 30 pounds heavier, and you would still be unbelievably out of my league.
Listen, you gain a couple who cares? These have been the best 10 years of my life.
I'm in it for every pound, every wrinkle, every gray hair.
[WHIMPERS.]
EVERYONE: Aww! [CLATTERING.]
Come on! Let's go.
Get in the car.
- Where are we going? - Don't worry about it.
Oh.
Why should I start making my own decisions now? I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the job.
You're just such a "Go for it" kind of guy, and I love that about you, but in that case, we had three little kids, a mortgage, and I was nervous.
You could have at least included me in the decision.
You're right! You're right.
And I know "I'm sorry" doesn't begin to cover it.
Why are we stopping? Well, our kids are grown, I run a company, you've got a great day job.
I thought maybe it was time you picked up an old hobby.
Are those Uh Keys to your new magic shop.
Oh, my God! [LAUGHS.]
Go on! - What?! - I know! And Mister Ekshun was willing to let it go for next to nothing.
Which, now that I think of it, is probably not a great sign.
This is awesome! And "Mister Ekshun" I just got that! It's kind of funny that you're making up for making a decision that should have been mine by making another decision for me.
Do you want it or not? - I love you.
- I love you.
- Mwah! - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Bylaws.
Fiz-El-ah dwee-zop beh-zong de-doy Ske-diddly-Dee-daht De-daht de-do! Bow! Bam! Chow - Cha-cha-cha! - [BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.]
- Waah-waah-waah - Zep-za-da wah - Shah-waah waah-waah - Bah-dop bah-dop waah - Waah-waah-waah - Bop-Ba-dop - Waah-waah-waah - Ba-dop Ba-dop waah Diddly-bop dit-do da-Ba-da baaaa Pa-Ra-Ba-Ra-Ba-Ra Ba-Ra-Ba-Ra Pa-pa-bar - Pa-Ra-Ba-Ra - It's getting late.
Nighty night.