Bob's Burgers s09e07 Episode Script

1 Okay, looking good in your little brine bath, buddy.
And tomorrow, somebody's gonna be the most delicious Thanksgiving turkey ever.
(high-pitched): "Is it me?" Sure is, pal.
(bashful chuckle) All right, I'll check in on you after we get back from the turkey pardoning, since our town is doing that now.
"Turkey pardoning?" I know, right? So dumb.
Treating the turkey like it's a person.
"Yeah, idiots! Wait, but don't you" Shh, shh.
No, no, no.
Shh, shh, shh.
Ugh, I still can't believe we're wasting our half day off school to go see a turkey pardoning.
That I do not pardon.
Yeah, the only Parton I need to see is Dolly.
Come on, it'll be fun.
We're gonna go to city hall.
We're gonna see the mayor.
The mayor! Why-why do you love the mayor so much? What are you talking about? He's the mayor.
He wears those shirts, and he's always waving.
- Oh, he's got a great wave.
- It is a good wave.
- He really gets into it.
- It's like his whole body's waving.
He doesn't have any bones.
He's like a fish.
- Fish have bones.
- They do? Uh, yeah.
I think the pardoning sounds nice.
Giving the turkey a second chance at life after being locked up.
The turkey hasn't been to prison.
- What are you, his lawyer? - Ugh.
The live turkeys are the worst.
Those flesh-mangling beaks and those beady eyes? Also, how can you trust an animal with a head that's that bald and tiny? I mean, we trust Dad.
- That's true.
- Mm.
All right, people, let's go.
- We're losing daylight.
- Cranberries! - Language.
- No, I forgot cranberries for the cranberry sauce.
We-we got to go to the store after the thing and get them.
Or we could just buy canned cranberry sauce this year.
Yeah.
I love big cans.
(growls) What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I know you ate that sugary canned cranberry slop at your grandmother's that one year, 'cause she doesn't care about anything.
- Watch it.
- But we are not eating that junk in the house.
This is a fresh cranberry sauce house, damn it.
It's who we are! I like the shape it makes when it comes out of the can.
- So help me, Tina.
- Sorry.
LINDA: Ugh.
They're an hour late.
And what's with the lousy turnout? This is the mayor's first turkey pardoning.
- Where's the freaking support? - Maybe everyone came down with a bad case of "I'd rather be anywhere else"? - (chuckles) Nice.
- (chuckles) Stop it.
No high-fiving.
Ooh! Here comes someone.
Hello, everyone.
Uh, sorry for the delay.
I'm afraid there's been a change of plans.
(chuckles) The mayor had to not be here.
He had a mayor emergency.
An e-mayor-gency.
Uh What? An e-mayor-gency? No! But, uh, what's almost as good as the mayor? - LINDA: Nothing! - Okay.
- Linda, please stop.
- You stop.
The deputy mayor.
So, may I present to you Deputy Mayor Daniel Cunningham.
(chuckles) Hello.
Thank you.
Hey, why don't we give a big thanks to the person who organized this whole event? Oh, right, it was me.
Yeah, the mayor delegated it all to me no big deal and he's sorry he couldn't be here today.
Though not as sorry as his toilet.
#StomachProblems.
How dare he hashtag my mayor's stomach problems.
Okay.
Let's bring up the star of the show, Drew P.
Neck! (gobbles) - Ugh.
- I think he's cute.
Go for it, sister.
I don't see a ring.
And after lucky little Drew P.
Neck here gets pardoned, he's going to live out his days peacefully at the Old McDonald Had a Sanctuary Sanctuary, where the motto is "E-I-E-I Hope.
" Okay, who wants to go stare at the broken fountain - that's never worked? - Ooh, me.
We're having a good childhood.
Hey, cool press badge.
- Are you in the press? - Uh, yeah.
- I knew it.
- So you actually have to report - on this crap show? - I know, right? Why can't I be covering a pre-Thanksgiving armed robbery? Or maybe, like, one little stabbing.
If you give me your pen, I could stab you in the bottom.
That's very generous, but, no, thank you.
LOUISE: Well, we're doing it.
We're staring at the broken fountain.
(whistles) Does not disappoint.
WOMAN: Well, dum-dum Deputy Mayor Cunningham just had the sanctuary idea yesterday, Mom.
And the one he picked can't take the turkey.
They're at capacity.
I told you already.
What's going on here? Gene, Tina, let's drop some eaves.
Well, he told me to drive it to a (whispers): slaughterhouse.
A slaughterhouse? That doesn't sound good.
Maybe she meant "cider house.
" That place rules.
I can't just let the turkey go.
It's the most famous bird in the county.
It'll be recognized.
No, I'm not just gonna murder it and bury it in the woods.
Oh, my sister could do it? Well, I'm not Lisa! Look, I'll get home as soon as I can, but now I have to drive a turkey to a slaughterhouse because my career in politics is going really great! So the sanctuary stuff is just a lie? They're taking Drew P.
Neck to a slaughterhouse? This is, like, a serious scandal.
Eh, I wouldn't really call it a scandal.
It's scand-ish.
A Scand-ish-navian, if you will.
Oh, let's go tell the reporter guy! Reporters love reporting stuff.
Uh, no.
What? What do you mean, no? Yeah.
I don't take tips from kids anymore.
Not since my niece told me about a homework burglar.
Turns out she's just a terrible student and person.
Now, if you'll excuse me, bye.
Aah! We got to help Drew P.
! What are we gonna do? Well, we could do nothing? - Maybe try that? - Nothing sounds good.
No, we got to save him.
Or we don't.
'Cause he's nasty.
Or we go on a full-on rescue mission.
Hmm.
Rescue mission.
I kind of like the sound of that.
Yes.
A turkey rescue mission.
I don't like the "turkey" part.
All right, just a rescue mission.
- Okay, fine, I'm in.
- For a turkey.
I'm in, too.
I promised Ken I'd help him move today, but screw it.
I don't know why I told him I have a Toyota Tacoma.
And so, Drew P.
Neck, I hereby pardon you from the Thanksgiving table.
Now, let's get you to that sanctuary, huh? We don't have much time.
Let's go tell Mom and Dad.
Or as I call them, Panache and The 'Stache.
Okay, I'll take a few questions.
You guys have all your little recorder thingies out? Uh, you, in the pants.
Will there be a photo op at the sanctuary later today? (whispers) That's a stupid question.
Uh, a photo? There? At the sanctuary? I will have to check about that.
(imitates phone chime) Oh, I'm getting a text.
Ooh, from the government.
I've got to go, I'm sorry.
Good-bye.
Bless you all.
Bye-bye.
Hmm.
Interesting.
That dirty deputy mayor! You know, if the real mayor weren't out of his mind with diarrhea right now, none of this would have happened.
So, can we save Drew P.
Neck? I don't know.
This all sounds crazy.
I have an idea: we get justice by going to the store and buying cranberries.
Bob, we got to save the turkey.
To protect the mayor's legacy.
We can't let them taint it.
- GENE: Yeah, a mayor's taint is sacred.
- Gene.
Look, guys, we don't even know where Drew P.
Neck is right now, so - Great.
- Come on, Dad, please? Do something with your life for once.
(sighs) Okay, fine.
- All right! - Hooray! - Yeah! This is a terrible idea.
LOUISE: What? No.
Family turkey rescue? Well, somebody better call Huey Lewis, because I may have found myself some news.
- I got eyes on her.
I got eyes on her! - She's right in front of us.
- Right.
- So, I know no one cares what I think, but I would just like to say, first of all, I'm not convinced that you heard what you thought you heard on that phone call.
This lady may be just driving the turkey to that sanctuary right now.
I mean, you guys aren't the best listeners.
- You say something, Pop? - And second of all, even if it is all true, what, exactly, is our plan here, anyway? Run this lady off the road, grab the turkey.
- You know, standard stuff.
- (grunts) And then we got to set Drew P.
Neck free.
Somewhere peaceful, on a hill, with a turkey house and a white picket turkey fence.
And water-efficient landscaping.
BOB: And we're getting on the highway.
By the way, you're all hypocrites.
You know we're gonna eat a turkey tomorrow, right? Eat the hell out of it.
But, Dad, when we pardoned Drew P.
Neck, we promised him he'd live.
We have to keep our word.
I mean, what? We're gonna start lying to turkeys now? You think that's pretty cool, Dad?! We're keeping our word We're saving the bird this year.
- BOB: Okay, I'm getting off.
- LINDA: What? - TINA: No, no, no, no, no - LOUISE: Aw, come on! We're going to the store to get cranberries.
Sometimes I get to do what I want to do.
- No, you don't, ever! - Pinch him, kids.
(pained grunts) GENE: Let me at those nips.
All right, fine.
- (horn blaring) - Ah - (tires screeching) - BOB: Oh, wonderful.
TINA: Dad, it's actually pretty dangerous to stop your car here.
- BOB: I know that, Tina! - LOUISE: Wow.
Did that whole family give you the finger? - Even the baby.
- Aw, little finger.
LOUISE: Well, we lost her.
- Great work, Cranberry Cathy.
- Oh, look, that's her car.
Pull in, Dad.
Well, now what? I think our only option is to clock her over the head with a potted plant or a tiny piano or something, and then grab the turkey.
Maybe that could work.
- Lin.
- What? Look, she's going inside.
GENE: Just like she always does.
If we had a brick, we could throw it through the car window.
- No.
- You're being very negative, Bob.
No one is breaking into anything.
We still don't even know if any of this so-called conspiracy is even true.
Now, I'm gonna go into that little market and see if maybe, somehow, they have cranberries.
And then, when that lady gets back to her car, we will talk to her.
So, repeat after me: "I'm not going to break into that vehicle.
" ALL: I'm not going to break into that vehicle.
I was hoping I would never have to force this family to say that, but here we are.
Cranberries? What do you want them for? To make cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving.
Cranberry sauce comes in a can.
I mean, no, it comes from cranberries.
But you can get it in a can, yes, if you're hollow inside and your heart is dead.
- Uh, we got raisins.
- Thanks for the help.
WOMAN: Yes, I'll head over there after I take the turkey to the (whispers): slaughterhouse.
Yes, I was just going to the bathroom.
I know I pee loud! Oh, my God, she is taking Drew P.
Neck to the slaughterhouse.
Mm, don't know what you're saying now.
Never mind, I got to go.
Bye.
Hey, what happened to the whole not breaking into the vehicle thing? We're not breaking in, Bob.
Yeah, Dad, it's the sunroof rule.
"If it's open for sun, it's open for fun.
" Oh, I can smell why she left it open.
- More like "turd" is the word.
- (gobbles) Oh, God, I-I guess we're doing this.
I guess we're saving this turkey.
Attaboy, Bobby, you're finally on the right side of history.
Okay, let's get out of here.
- (all gasp) - Wait, is that the reporter guy? Ta-da! It's Ralph.
I was in disguise as an off-duty baseball player.
- I almost hit you with my car.
- You sure did.
Now, look, you kids were right about this scandal, and now, I've got the deputy mayor's aide talking about it on tape.
- So, I owe you an apology.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah, you do.
And you owe me one for not making me believe you.
So, yeah, that's on you.
Now, can I pop in there and ride along with you guys? Get some quotes, be embedded right in the S-word.
- Okay.
- No, absolutely not.
Yes.
Come on, Bob, let him come.
Think of the headline.
"Family Saves Pooping Mayor "from Actions of Poopy Deputy Mayor, Who is a Big Pile of Poops.
" Right, Ralph? Huh, that's pretty good.
Let me write that down.
(sighs) All right, fine.
Just get in, and let's go.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
What the Ralph, what are you doing here? Wait, is-is that the I'll tell you what I'm doing here, Marsha.
I'm exposing your scandalous lies.
And by the way, I got 'em all on tape.
Now, drive, Bob, drive! Is the back door shut? No, but it's fine.
Go, Bob, go! Can you just shut it, please? I-I don't feel comfortable driving with it open.
Damn it, Bob! Drive! TINA: Also, this is our turkey.
Yeah.
James Van Der Beak.
We're just trying to get him back to his creek.
- Okay, everybody just wait.
- RALPH: Drive! Oh, my God.
She's coming after us.
She's gonna kill us.
She's gonna kill us to cover this all up.
That's what I would do.
You got to lose her, Dad.
I'm trying.
Hold on, everybody! - Oh, crap! - (screaming) (gobbling) Wow.
Nice work back there, old man.
Yeah, Bobby.
That was hot.
You're a regular Steve the Queen.
It's Steve McQueen.
- No, it's not.
- (turkey gobbles) You're welcome, you beady-eyed bastard.
But this is just a job to me, you hear? - (gobbles) - Don't sass me.
(gasps) Look.
That's where we should set Drew P.
Neck free.
BOB: Uh, yeah.
Let's do it.
This car is never gonna smell the same again.
Eh, you'll get it back to middle-aged fart smell - soon enough.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, God.
So tired.
So sweaty.
That's what we'll put on your tombstone.
Marsha! Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! All right, you know what? Why don't we just try talking to her? Oh, yeah, sure.
That's a good plan.
"Hey, I'm Bob.
Can we talk? "Why are you putting those black leather gloves on? "Oh, you're choking me! You're choking me! (choking): Get off me! I'm dead.
" That could totally happen, Bob.
I'm pretty sure Marsha has gloves.
Okay, fine.
Let's just go.
TINA: Here.
This is perfect.
Oh, thank God.
- Bye, bye, birdie.
- (panting) Stop! - Don't do this! - Too late.
Today, Drew Patrick Neck is free as a bird.
Please don't strangle us.
- Huh? - (yipping) What's that? Uh, guys, I'm pretty sure that's coyotes.
- (Linda gasps) - Oh, my God.
- (coyotes yipping) - Okay, so, that's not gonna - be great for a turkey.
- No, not really.
I guess it's in Mother Nature's cruel hands now.
Eh, Drew's fine.
If Wile E.
Coyote taught us anything, those rascals are blowing themselves up with their own dynamite as we speak.
- We got to go find him.
- Do we, though? Is it still a rescue story if the rescuee is torn to shreds? I feel like it isn't.
(sighs) Okay, let's just go find the turkey, since that's what we do now.
Okay, let's go.
I mean, whatever.
I'm breezy.
Wait! Don't! You, um, you all dropped your wallets.
Uh I just have to say that you, madam, are not fit to wipe the mayor's sick bottom.
Not that getting some help with wiping is a bad thing.
And I still have your taped conversation, Marsha.
So, boom.
Ralph, you cannot run this story.
Oh, he's running the story, Marsha.
That's right.
And there's not a single thing you can do about it.
What about an exclusive interview with the mayor? Well, that is something that you could do about it.
- I would like that.
- What? Ralph, no.
How exclusive are we talking? Super exclusive? Super duper exclusive.
- Oh, wow.
- Ralph, if you run that story, we will give you free burgers at our restaurant for a month.
And also a free hot French fry massage, which is something I've been workshopping, and it's going pretty well.
- Dad.
- Yeah, Tina? Have you ever fought a hungry pack of coyotes? - Um No.
- Damn.
What are you even supposed to do when you see a coyote? Uh, I don't know.
I-I think you're supposed to use your body to scare it, maybe.
You should probably take off your shirt, then, and really freak him out.
- Louise.
- What? (whispering): Look.
Coyotes.
(Tina gasps) Dad, go save him.
Yeah.
Um Here I Here I go.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Yep.
I'm going.
Dad, you're not moving.
Am, uh, am I not? That's weird, I thought my legs were moving.
- Would it helped if I pushed you? - I-I don't - I don't think so, Tina.
- (grunting) Uh, Tina, stop.
Don't push me.
Guys, he's just a dumb turkey.
He's not worth getting maimed or coyote-uglied over.
This is the law of the woods.
I mean, coyotes have to eat Oh, my God! What am I saying? Get the hell away from Drew P.
Neck, you sons of bitches! - (screaming) - No, Louise! (panting) Whoa.
Louise.
(panting) I-I guess you got that one.
- (panting) - Uh, I'll get the next turkey that's being attacked by coyotes.
- Sure.
- But that was good, though.
It was actually what exactly what I was gonna do.
MARSHA: Great.
You found him.
That's That's what we wanted.
(chuckles) So, uh, Ralph, uh, super duper exclusive interview with the mayor? - Be strong, Ralph.
- Sorry, Marsha.
- No deal.
- Yes! A "turkey pardon cover-up," plus "little girl saves turkey from a pack of coyotes"? That's what we call in the journalism biz a "Scoop There It Is.
" Plus this lady right here offered me a month - of free burgers, so - Excuse me? - Bob, shush, shush, shush.
- MARSHA: Well, great.
This cover-up is going just great.
Oh, I'm a terrible cover-upper.
Aw.
No.
- No, I am.
I am.
- I mean, yeah.
So, I have a question.
What are we gonna do with this turkey now? Actually, I have an idea.
It's me.
Marsha.
From work.
BOB: Is this it? Wait a second.
Is that a two-butted goat? - LOUISE: Sure is.
- GENE: A butt so nice, he has one twice.
- (screaming) - I really don't like when people do that.
LOUISE: Deputy Mayor Cunningham? Okay, now we're gonna get murdered.
Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.
Everybody, uh, just play dead and maybe he'll go away.
Like this.
(groans) Um, hello? Deputy Mayor Cunningham here.
Just want to say, not gonna murder you, 'cause not in this suit.
(laughs) Uh, h-how did you know we were coming here? Hi.
Marsha! You told him.
But how did you know we were coming here? 'Cause you talked about it right in front of me.
Oh, yeah.
We did.
You told us how to get to route five.
- Yeah.
- Thanks again.
Good directions.
- You're welcome.
- TINA: Don't try to stop us, Deputy Mayor Man.
We're giving Drew P.
Neck to this farm to live out his days peacefully.
Yeah.
He's gonna live with Double Butt.
It's gonna be like that show Three's Company, - but with butts.
- Oh, I'm falling.
Sorry, but the farmer's not home.
He must be out night-farming.
- Crap.
- Damn it.
- Nice.
It's over, Cunningham.
I'm turning in my story, and you are about to be the deputy mayor of your mom's house.
Ooh.
So sorry, Ralph.
You see, you recorded a private conversation without Marsha's permission.
So unless you want to get sued, you're gonna need that.
Damn it.
I do hate getting sued.
Yeah.
It's not fun.
So how about I just take that turkey off your hands? - No.
- (grunting) Pinch posse, attack! Ow.
- Kids, stop it.
- Get him! - That is my nipple.
- GENE: Just a few more hours of this and you'll be dead.
Now.
Good evening, everyone.
And may God bless America.
Marsha, skedaddle.
Go, go, go.
Wait, Marsha.
Stop.
Look, today has been awful for many reasons.
We could've had a great afternoon buying cranberries, but instead we did this.
And the worst part of it is, I really don't want my kids to think this is how the world works.
That people don't keep their word.
Even if it is to turkeys.
So please, do the right thing.
Also, your job seems horrible.
I'm just saying, I'm not judging.
Well, too bad Marsha doesn't give a rip.
Mom, I'll be there in a few hours.
And by the way, I'm quitting.
- All right.
- Yes.
- Yeah, Marsha! - But, but - Oh, uh, she wants to talk to you? I don't want to (sighs) Hello? Hey, now.
Okay, there's no need for that kind of langua I will not go to hell.
I am going to heaven.
Good day.
What's going on? What'd I miss? I got lost in the damn corn maze again.
Oh! Hey, kids.
I remember you.
Hello, Mr.
Farmer.
We'd like to present you with this turkey.
Oh, to eat? Thanks.
Okay, bye.
Oh, no.
We were thinking you could, like, raise it as your pet, or your child.
Yeah, we know he only has one butt, but maybe you can make an exception? Oh, uh Yeah.
Sure.
Um, to be clear you're not gonna eat him, right? 'Cause we went to a lot of trouble and Yeah, yeah.
Got it.
I won't eat him.
Sheesh.
So can we go home now? Ugh.
You love going home.
I call way back.
I'm gonna start typing out my story on my phone.
Hey, Bob.
Can you do me a favor and just drive a little bit better this time? What? We were in a high-speed chase.
Yeah, I know.
There's just a lot of zigging and zagging all over the place.
If you could just smooth it out for me.
- (groans) - Hey.
Ralph.
How do you now they'll print it? What's that? My story? Well, they have a printer, so Yeah, yeah.
But how do you know they'll print it? I think he's trying to say, Ralph, that he has some way of killing your story.
Um, that's what I'm picking up.
No, I think he's just interested in the printing process.
No, you Let me put it this way: I am the deputy mayor.
When I say "kill a story," they say, "how high?" This story is officially D-E-A - Oh, they printed it.
- Huh.
I guess Cunningham doesn't have as much pull at the paper as he thought he did.
Yeah, he's not the mayor.
He's the deputy.
They even let dogs be deputies.
This is so exciting.
I mean, it's on page 11 and Ralph spelled our name "Blecher," but still.
I've never figured out how the heck it's spelled.
We did good.
Thanksgiving? More like You're Welcome-ivigiving.
Dad, this cranberry sauce looks great.
I don't even miss the can shape, much.
I just can't believe that farmer had a cranberry bog.
And he let me in that cranberry bog.
But I mean, I played it pretty cool.
They're so fresh! They're so fresh! Okay, okay.
Chill out.
All right.
Time for one of my famous Thanksgiving speeches.
Hold on.
I wrote something down this year.
Uh, "You know, when I was growing up" - Dad.
Uh, Dad? - Huh? - Yeah.
- I'd like the floor, if I may.
- Um, uh, just uh, yeah.
- You're done, right? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, great.
I was just gonna put this away.
Yeah.
I used to think turkeys were nasty and horrible.
But then I-I met someone that taught me that maybe they're not so bad.
- Was that someone me? Oh.
- No.
It was Drew P.
Neck.
And so, on behalf of him, I'd like to pardon this turkey right now.
Aw, that's so sweet.
- I know.
- Um, it's already dead.
- Quiet, Bob.
- Sorry.
Okay, everybody, let's dig in.
I'm gonna pardon that fool right into my mouth.
It's just not how pardoning works.
Pardon me while I pardon gravy all up in this mamma-jamma.
And get a little onto my knees, and a little bit all over my neck.
- BOB: Stop, Gene.
- LINDA: And I'm gonna pardon the cork right out of this Pardonnay.
BOB: Okay, well, words have meaning, but whatever.
Let's eat.
LINDA: We're keeping our word We're saving the bird this year Gonna keep our word, gonna save the bird That's what you heard We're keeping our word We're saving the bird this year Gonna keep our word, gonna save the bird That's what you heard Don't you taint my mayor Don't you taint my mayor Let him fly We're saving the bird this year Gonna keep our word, gonna save the bird That's what you heard We're keeping our word, we're saving the bird this year