Frasier s09e07 Episode Script

I love it when he plays the piano.
No matter how gloomy it is outside, it makes everything seem a little brighter.
I feel the same way about bacon.
DAPHNE: You're so lucky to be musical.
I'd give my right hand to be able to play the piano the way you do.
Hmm, sounds a bit like O.
Henry meets Stephen King.
But still, if you're serious, I'd be willing to give you lessons.
I'd love that.
I've wanted to play ever since I was little, and my family would sing rugby songs after my brothers' matches.
I can still see them all muddied and bloodied, belting out songs like "The Old She-Crab" and "I Like a Moose.
" Once, one of Michael's teeth fell out right in the middle of "Four Old Whores.
" MARTIN: Hey, Fras, how was your date last night? I'm having breakfast with you.
You do the math.
- Ahem, coffee? FRASIER: Please, thank you, Niles.
Well, here's something that'll cheer you up.
Eight years ago today I moved in with you.
- Eight years? Ha, ha.
MARTIN: Ha, ha.
- Are you sure? - This is quite an anniversary.
You weren't even with Lilith for eight years.
Please, Niles, I hardly think it's the same thing.
It's not that different.
If you were a woman, you'd be his common-law wife by now.
- Oh, well, now I don't think that's DAPHNE: And think about this.
If that date had been the perfect woman, you'd still have to be with her nine years before you overtook him.
Yes, and actually, if you add the 18 years he spent at home prior to college, well, they've been together 26 years.
So we just missed our silver anniversary? - All right.
- Yes, but good news, your 30th is pearl.
Ha, ha.
Well, I think it's a remarkable accomplishment.
Happy anniversary, Dr.
And Mr.
Crane.
NILES: Yes, here, here.
- Ha, ha.
NILES: Oh, here.
I'm so sorry it didn't work out with Lucy last night.
But don't worry.
I have tons of other friends better than her.
Well, thanks for starting at the bottom and working your way up.
- Hey, Roz.
Dr.
Crane.
FRASIER: Oh.
- Hi, Daph.
Hello, Dad.
- Oh, hey, Daphne.
What, are you taking piano lessons? Yeah, Niles is gonna teach me.
I'm so jealous.
I've always wanted to learn to play.
- Well, why don't you sit in with us? - Really? - Well, do you think Niles would mind? - Of course not.
And even if he does, he's so polite you'll never know.
Hi.
I'd like to tell you about our new frozen coffee drink, The Caffalanche.
It comes in three flavours.
Frosty Coffee, So Cocoa-Cold and Chilla-in-Vanilla.
- I'll try the So Cocoa-Cold.
FRASIER: Ha, ha.
Uh, black coffee, thanks.
- I hate what's happened to coffee.
- Dad.
Well, I'm just saying, I'm a regular joe, - I like my joe regular.
- I like my joe regular.
I know.
What's wrong with plain, old coffee, the way God made it? FRASIER: Nothing.
What is wrong, is subjecting me to the same shopworn bellyaching every time you come in here.
Well, excuse me for having an opinion you don't agree with.
I thought this was America.
Oh, look, it is.
I'm gonna get my coffee to go.
That was a bit harsh, Dr.
Crane.
Eight years of the same complaints about the same things in the same places.
And I'll say, sometimes I think he does it just to antagonize me.
Just like an old married couple.
It's cute, isn't it? Well, I got my black coffee.
Of course, it was more expensive than a whole meal used to be.
Time was, you could get two eggs, potatoes, choice of breakfast meat And still get change back from the nickel.
Will you just take your coffee.
See how he talks to me? - And on our anniversary too.
FRASIER: Oh.
NILES: Now, I want you to position your hands over the keyboard.
Fingers relaxed, elbows loose.
Good.
Okay, and shoulders low.
Good, good.
How are we doing? - Fine.
- Okay, I guess.
When do we get to press on the keys? Whoa, whoa.
We have a lot to learn first.
It could be weeks before we press down on the keys.
I want to play a song.
Yeah, isn't that why we're here? Well, all in due time.
Here, wait.
Just watch my hands while I play a scale.
Watch this.
[PLAYING THE SCALE.]
FRASIER: Pardon me, Niles, there was a programme I planned on watching.
Oh, of course.
Uh, we'll continue the lesson in Daphne's room.
How can we learn without a piano? With these workbooks and a box of adhesive stars.
MAN [ON TV.]
: It would seem as though Brr, that guy sure looks cold.
What are we watching? I'm watching Lost on a Mountain.
Ah It is not remarkable that Everest That the mountain? Yes.
Well, they sure don't look lost.
That's the search party.
Oh.
So who's lost? Apparently you are.
If you don't stop interrupting, I will be too.
- nine climbers from four different countries have come to the summit.
They knew an approaching storm might well hamper their efforts, but were determined to press forward nonetheless.
[MUMBLES.]
Pretzel? [CHAIR SCREECHES.]
- Do you mind? - [MUMBLES.]
I'm sorry.
- but ascending Everest is only half the journey.
The journey back down the mountain [CHAIR SCREECHES.]
[CHAIR SCREECHES.]
[CHAIR SCREECHES.]
Still, he felt he had little choice but to participate in the effort.
Oh, that's it, Dad! Is there nothing you do that doesn't create some cacophony? Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
I was trying to be considerate.
If you were, you would have oiled that chair when it began squeaking five years ago.
Boy, I don't know what's got into you but you've been a real jerk lately.
You should watch TV somewhere else.
I should go elsewhere? I? Just what do you suggest? That I find, uh, a documentary bar and watch it on their big screen? You know what? I am just going to go take a talk.
Leave you with the television.
You enjoy yourself.
Good day.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
I wish you would stop hanging your coat on my peg! NILES: Dad? MARTIN: Down here.
Oh, my God, Dad.
Oh, I thought you'd capsized.
No, I was oiling my chair.
The squeaking was bugging Frasier.
[NILES GASPS.]
The carpet is a whole shade lighter under there.
Oh.
Except for those little black dots you just made.
Oh, shoot.
- I better get a towel.
- I'll get it.
No, it's all right.
I'll get it.
Oh! - Oh, my God.
- Ah! I'll get something to pick up the grease and clean it up.
MARTIN: Oh, my God.
What the hell's happened? Now, don't get upset.
I was oiling my chair, trying to get rid of the squeak, and I had a little spill.
Little spill? I just had this carpet cleaned! - I'm sorry, it was an accident.
- Sure, Dad.
It was an accident.
It was an accident.
I saw him step on it.
Niles, you know as well as I do, there are no accidents.
Just admit it, Dad.
Your hostility toward me has been building through the years, little by little, until you have finally struck the Achilles' heel of my décor, the Berber carpet.
I did not do this on purpose.
No? Then I suggest you dig deep into the twisted caves of your subconscious, where malicious acts abide, clothed in the robes of plausible excuses! [SHOUTS.]
For the last time, this was not malicious! It was an accident! - I don't think you know the difference! - Yes, I do! That was an accident! This is malicious! NILES: What colour is the new carpet? I'm going up a shade to harvest wheat.
I thought the next shade up was buff.
It used to be but they've discovered a whole new colour in between.
So now it's tofu, putty, oatmeal, - almond, - almond, - harvest wheat, - harvest wheat, - and buff.
- Buff.
That's going to be hard to get used to.
Hmm.
Where's Daphne? Oh, she's out taking a walk with Dad.
An extra-long walk.
Things have been a little tense around here since the quote-unquote accident.
It was an accident.
Well, maybe.
But don't you think the man should work on some of his unresolved anger toward me? NILES: If you're asking me to choose sides, I'm not going to do it.
The man just brings such hostility into the room.
[FRASIER SIGHS.]
Thank you.
You know, I've been thinking of, uh, sending him someplace.
Like to a resort? Like to live with you.
Oh, yes, the last resort.
Making Dad move does not solve your problem, it simply avoids it.
Don't start preaching to me.
You've been avoiding him eight years.
- I refuse to discuss this.
- And I refuse your refusal.
Is something burning? - It smells like it.
- Are you cooking? And what is that supposed to mean? Oh, dear God, the chair! Oh, my God! Oh, here, Niles, Niles, hand me this drop cloth here.
- I'll smother it.
- All right, all right now, be careful.
NILES: Quickly, quickly.
- Yeah, all right.
Just - Oh, look out below! - Look out! - My God! - Dr.
Crane's moods never last long.
I'm sure we've seen the worst of it.
- What do we do? What do we say? - All right, calm down.
The important thing is it didn't hit anyone.
At least we have that.
But how do we explain this? We just tell them what happened as clearly and rationally as possible.
Right, right.
Rational.
[SHOUTS.]
Oh, my God, did you feel that earthquake? [SHOUTS.]
What the hell happened? - Where's Daphne? - She's down cleaning up the mess! Dad, I can explain.
You threw my chair off the balcony? I'm so sorry.
Just hear me out.
- You crazy? - I didn't mean to.
Forget what it means to me, you could've killed someone.
- It was an accident! - You said there are no accidents! Clearly I was wrong.
I mean, why on earth would I do such a thing? Because you've always been gunning for that chair.
I accidentally stain your carpet and you set fire to the one thing in this apartment I care about and heave it out into the street! Dad, I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
Please, forgive me.
- I'll buy you another chair.
- Ah, don't do me any favours.
Please, Dad.
I know you're angry right now and that's normal.
The healthiest thing you can do Wanna know the healthiest thing you can do? Shut my yap? Bingo! NILES: Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
I don't like this exercise.
- It's too hard.
- No, no, no, you're doing fine.
You just have to loosen up.
I'll show you.
See? It's just a little finger exercise.
- I know another little finger exercise.
- Ha, ha.
Daphne, you're not paying attention.
Oh, yes, I am.
Why don't we just cancel the lesson and spend the day together? [STAMMERS.]
What kind of teacher would I be if I did that? Oh, that's right.
You're the teacher and I'm the naughty student who wouldn't do her homework.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, that'll be Roz.
[NILES SIGHS.]
Could you get that? DAPHNE: Hey, Roz.
- Hey, Daphne.
- Hey, Roz.
How'd it go this week? ROZ: Niles.
Okay, I guess.
- But those exercises aren't easy.
- See? All right, look, if I'm going too fast, we'll make some adjustments.
I guess just do the best you can.
[ROZ SIGHS.]
[ROZ CLEARS THROAT.]
- That's great! - Ow.
NILES: All right, do it again.
ROZ: Ahem.
You see, Daphne, that's a song.
You said we weren't going to be playing songs.
Wait, wait, now go down.
Yes, good.
Oh, my God, this is so cool.
I want to play a song.
NILES: Well And you will, Daphne, as soon as you master your exercises.
You know, why don't you try playing along on your practise pad? Oh, shoot.
Hello, Niles.
Hey, Dad.
Um, taking Eddie for a walk? Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home, Frasier would set him on fire and throw him off the balcony.
You see what I'm putting up with? - Are you gonna let this go on forever? - Me? He keeps insisting I was lashing out deliberately, which I was not, although God knows it would've been justified.
What, because of the oil? This is a lot deeper and a lot darker than oil and you know it.
The man will not get off my back.
Seems to me you've been giving as good as you've been getting.
Please.
Ever since our so-called anniversary, - he keeps insisting on NILES: Whoa, whoa, what does your anniversary have to do with this? I guess it just set me off.
It was as though everyone was saying that the only significant relationship I'll ever have again is with my father.
So you're not mad at Dad.
You're just mad he isn't a woman.
Well, I got my coffee.
Nothing fancy.
But if you don't like it, you're welcome to set it on fire and throw it off the balcony.
- Bye, Niles.
- No, wait, Dad.
Frasier just said something very interesting to me - Niles.
- I think you should hear.
- Niles.
- Please, let me help you through this.
Don't forget, I've done my share of couples counselling.
[SHOUTS.]
We are not a couple! I'm sorry, I only meant that I am an experienced mediator.
Now, Frasier, tell Dad what you were just telling me.
All right.
I think that anniversary talk stirred up some issues for me.
That our relationship is the only one I'll ever have.
That for all intents and purposes, you are my significant other.
- And that's my fault? - I didn't say it was your fault, Dad.
You think it's a picnic living with you? It's not exactly my dream either.
Okay, no, wait, wait, wait, honesty.
This is good.
I'm just saying I've had a bit of a breakthrough.
Dandy! You've had a breakthrough, I've lost my chair.
Maybe I could sit on your breakthrough.
I'll tell you what you can sit on! Okay, okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait, let's just keep this constructive.
If you're going to make progress, you're both going to have to compromise.
Now, which one of you is willing to take the first step? Allow me.
You do this for a living, do you? [SHOUTS.]
I do it because I enjoy working with people! Niles, I've been thinking.
Maybe you and Roz should continue without me.
- Why would we do that? - Because she's good.
- Just a second - No, no, no, don't worry about me.
I'll find something easier to play, like a stick.
Daphne, I'm not gonna let you quit.
You're just a slow starter.
It may require a little more time but you'll improve.
- You really think so? - You have to trust me.
I don't care how long it takes.
I am going to make a pianist out of you.
Thank you.
You know, you're much nicer than my old piano teacher.
- You took lessons before? - Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Eight years of them.
Mr.
Cruikshank.
You know, he once played at the Royal Albert Hall.
Oh, why did you stop taking the lessons, honey? Well, it turns out Mr.
Cruikshank was an unstable man.
He took his own life.
Do you know I was the last person to see him alive? Dad, Frasier's here.
What's this? It's something I got to tell you I'm sorry for being such a sorehead.
Oh, Dad.
I'm overwhelmed.
Tied the bow myself.
Just Just pull on it.
It'll come right off.
Yeah? All right.
Oh, how How unexpected.
You don't like it.
- No, no, I do.
It, it's just that - I got some guy, Eduardo, to help me.
I figured I couldn't miss.
It's divine.
That's what Eduardo said.
There's just one problem.
If you don't like it I know, I can set it on fire and throw it over the balcony.
No, I just meant you can take it back.
I want you to be happy.
Frasier, this is a wonderful gesture on Dad's part.
I do too, Niles.
I do.
I'm I'm very touched, Dad.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It's just that I had something else in mind.
Uh [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Well, I give up.
Try to do a nice thing - What's the matter? FRASIER: Just Ah, good.
Gentlemen, come right in, please.
Uh, just set it right over here.
You bought a chair? Thanks for telling me.
Give me a chance.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
- I need somebody to sign for this.
- Yes, of course.
In just a moment, please.
Could you wait at the door? Thank you.
Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our furniture family.
Where did you find this? You can't find that, Dad.
It doesn't exist anymore which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs and had him duplicate it.
As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer and once I got them to admit they made it, I had them reweave it.
- It must have cost a fortune.
FRASIER: Yes.
Ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment.
Oh, it's beautiful! Thank you, son.
Well done, Frasier.
Oh, it feels just the same.
I don't want to get up.
Well, that's a shame.
I was planning on taking us both out to dinner, Dad.
- Anywhere you'd like.
- Even the steak house? Even the steak house.
Niles, Daphne, you're welcome to join us.
Oh, sorry but we're in the middle of my piano We'd love to.
You know, I'll bet we can get free pie if we just tell them it's our anniversary.
[MARTIN LAUGHS.]