Married with Children s09e07 Episode Script

And now, stay tuned for the show too good for television.
- Wings? - Wings! We now return to Wings.
Our Wings marathon.
Wings.
I'd cancel my cable if I wasn't stealing it from the D'Arcys.
Hey, Dad.
I've got a problem.
I did something really stupid.
Well, son, you didn't marry, did you? God, no.
No, I volunteered for this program at college.
They assign you community service work for extra credit.
Well, I was hoping to get Save the Brazilian Rainforest.
Why? What do you care? I wanted to see naked women from Rio.
Well, you can do that during wet gaucho night at the nudie bar.
Well, the Brazilian course got filled by the football team so they assigned me to the only charity they had left open.
Which is? I can't even tell you.
It's too humiliating to talk about.
I'm just thankful the word hasn't hit the streets yet.
Hey, Daddy, guess what.
Bud has been assigned to the Virgin Hotline.
Well, we do know, however, that word has hit the old mattress behind the Y.
Virgin Hotline? What the hell is a Virgin Hotline? Bud.
Well, Dad, you probably don't know this but today, there's a big movement toward celibacy.
Know it? Hell, I started it.
No, Dad.
This is no sex before marriage.
See, the hotline was set up so that when virgins felt in danger of losing their innocence they could call someone to be Nipped in the bud.
Or counselled, for those of us who breathe through our noses.
Ask him what the phone number is, Dad.
Now, now, sweetheart, the least we can be is a little sensitive here.
What is the phone number, pumpkin? Yeah, that's right, Gomer and Pyles.
Yuck it up.
Now, if I can ask a favour, can we please keep a lid on this one? My answering the phones is gonna be completely anonymous and I'd just as soon no one else knew it was me.
Hey, Bud.
I heard on the radio.
You're on the Virgin Hotline.
They said Bud's name on the radio? Well, actually, it was a jingle.
Let me see, how did it go? If you're a virgin With hormones surging Keep on your undies And call Bud Bundy's Virgin Hotline That's catchy.
Thank you.
And with self-esteem intact I'm gonna get ready for my orientation now.
Kelly.
Would you be kind as to insult me up the stairs, please? My pleasure.
Now, when people call up, do you merely talk them out of sex or do you send them a picture of yourself and scare the pants back on them? Hey, Al, guess what.
They're having a sale at the video store.
See? Right here.
So, what do I care? Then go to the video store.
Well, I want you to come with me.
Oh, no.
That's why we have cable, Peg.
You can see the best and never leave your house.
Watch.
Tonight, Tom Selleck in Mr.
Baseball.
Then John Goodman is King Ralph.
But first, Wings.
I'll drive.
Hey, you guys mind if I hang out? If I go home, Marcie will know I'm not at my Unemployed Anonymous meeting.
- Have a good time.
- Thanks.
Welcome to The Naked Jell-O-Wrestling Championship.
Hey, that's a Hi.
I'm here for the Virgin Hotline.
- I'm - Bud Bundy.
I know.
Your face has chastity written all over it.
Really? Damn Kelly.
My name is Ms.
Hardway.
I am the founder of Virgin Hotline.
Not that I haven't had opportunities.
It's just that I prefer to save myself for marriage.
Whose? People don't understand virgins these days, Mr.
Bundy.
They don't realize that we can have just as much fun as they do while remaining vertical, with our toes uncurled and the saliva of our passions held firmly in our proud, unsullied mouths.
And there are so many more exciting things to do besides having sex.
Have you ever felt the soft down of a newborn baby duck? Ever collect little ceramic unicorns? Ever play Yahtzee? No, you see, I'm not a virgin.
Oh, come now, Mr.
Bundy.
Here is your Virgin Hotline handbook.
Memorize its pithy wisdom.
"Reach out and touch yourself"? I love the '90s.
Time to take calls.
You man line one.
It's our busiest.
And remember, Mr.
Bundy you will be counselling these people in their weakest moment.
You must be their shelter in a storm, their anchor in rough seas.
Their cold shower during heavy Jimmy Smits reruns of L.
A.
Law.
You, Mr.
Bundy, are their last line of defence.
Can you do it? You know, with a little more mak eup and her hair done and some soft music Mr.
Bundy? Can you do it? Well, if the room was real dark, I might Oh, you mean the phones.
Yeah, I can do the phones.
No problem.
Watch.
Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline.
This is your counsellor, Eugene.
Hi.
My name is Isis J.
Blowup Doll.
And my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been able to k eep his hands off me ever since I came out of the box.
Now, should I try to stay firm or just explode and go to pieces? Very funny, Kel, but don't let me keep you.
I'm sure the trucker paid for the whole hour.
Crank call.
Yes, we occasionally get those too.
Usually from mean people who have had sex.
But remember, Mr.
Bundy, they mock us because they envy us.
Yeah, right.
Virgin Hotline.
Hi, this is Buck.
I'm wearing nothing but my fur.
I miss you, Bud.
I miss our special times together.
Kelly, Kelly, please! Oh, now, come now, Mr.
Bundy.
Chin up.
People used to call me and say they were my showerhead.
What's the matter, Kelly? Is your bed closed for repairs? Is this the right number? My name is Esther and I thought I was calling the Virgin Hotline.
Really? This is a real call.
Yeah, you're on the Virgin Hotline.
I've been trying to wait until marriage but everywhere you look is sex, sex, sex.
Well, where exactly are you? Home, watching TV.
Oh, God, they're doing a Bugle Boy jeans commercial.
Oh, you're losing her, Mr.
Bundy.
Quick, do a TV talk-down.
TV talk-down? Okay, Esther, now, listen to me.
We're gonna have to take your mind off of sex.
Now think of the guy from the Zima commercials.
I can't.
Now Melrose Place is coming on.
Billy's taking his shirt off.
Mr.
Bundy, we have a code red.
We're going to have to act fast.
I'll keep her talking.
You go to her house.
- What? - Don't argue.
Take your handbook and your "Never Had It, Never Will" Virgin Hotline cap.
Hurry, or I'm gonna have to call my boyfriend.
Take my car.
I'll call with the address.
And, Bud, you have a really cute tush.
It's Friday night and what am I doing? Talking a girl out of sex.
Oh, my God.
I am my father's Oldsmobile.
Well, let's get this over with.
Esther.
With a name like that, I should have brought a chew toy.
Hi.
I'm Esther.
Save me.
Now, all we have to do is find one movie that we can both watch.
Hey, here's one.
Die, Scum-sucking Pig, Die.
Ray Walston and Sherman Hemsley in a haunted house, Peg.
Al, you have rented that Well, it's good.
Oh, how about this? Four Weddings and a Funeral.
That's kind of like five of the same thing, isn't it? Hey, how about WrestleMania bloopers? You could have taped our honeymoon for that.
You know, Al, maybe you should go your way and I'll go mine.
Really? After all these years? Thank you, Peg.
No, I mean in the video store.
Now go find a movie we can both enjoy, and be serious, Al.
Hey, Dorf on Skiing.
So.
Virgin, huh? I just can't tell you how tough it is for a woman to maintain her chastity.
Every single girl I know is just preoccupied with sex.
They'll have it with anyone, anywhere, anytime.
Really? Well, if you'd just give me their names their photos and their phone numbers I'll get to the bottom of them.
I mean, of it.
Bottom of it.
No, Bud, please don't leave before my mother gets home.
If I take my eyes off you, I know I'll get all horny again.
I'm glad to be of service.
Can I get you something to drink? Well, you got anything fresh squeezed? I'll see.
I'm really sorry to drag you out on a Friday night like this but I can't tell you how much I appreciate an organization like yours, Bud.
I don't understand what's wrong with the world.
Everywhere you look, temptation.
Zima guy, Zima guy.
No, no, I mean, I mean, I mean Roseanne, Roseanne.
Peg.
Diesel Head.
"A man and a monster truck exchange brains"? Like Emilio Estevez would make a bad movie.
Look, Al, you have said no to every movie that I've chosen.
Because every movie you choose sucks.
- Fried Green Tomatoes sucks? - Yes.
Now, look, obviously, we are not gonna agree on anything.
I mean, why should movies be any different than sex? Well, can't eat popcorn when you're having sex, Peg.
Al, let's just find something to please both of us and do not go into the adult section.
I don't even know where the adult section is.
Here are the classics.
Schindler's Lust.
Booty and the Beast.
And my favourite, Forrest Hump.
- Oh, excuse me.
- No problem.
- Marcie! - AI.
It's not what you think.
Well, that's good, because I think I'm gonna heave.
I've just been monitoring porn for my women's group.
We are sick of films that exploit and degrade women and we are not going to take it anymore.
Here are the tapes you asked us to hold for you.
Silence of the Loins and The Joy Slut Club.
Shall I just charge those to your house account? Fine.
I'm taking these home to erase them.
That'll show you men.
Do you have condoms? Oh, Al, look what I found.
Lik e Water for Chocolate.
It's a love story.
What a coincidence, Peg, I found a love story too.
Mrs.
Assfire.
- Water.
- Fire.
- Water.
- Fire.
All right, Al, that's it.
You get what you want, I'm going home.
Oh, now, wait, Peg.
This could be good.
Big 'Uns magazine guide gives this two things up.
Al, I am not checking out porn.
Now, you would think that, in a video store of 10,000 tapes we could find at least one movie that we would like Butch Cassidy.
Oh, Al.
Now, here's a movie we can agree on.
You remember when we were dating and we saw this at the drive-in? I remember that we saw half of it.
You know, I still have the imprint of the Dodge logo on my back.
I can't believe you still have that car.
Well, I can't believe I still have you.
- Where were we, Peg? - Sharing a tender moment.
Oh, yeah.
You remember how they kicked us out for making too much noise? Well, you were hurting me, Peg.
Well, we certainly made up for it that night, in my father's hall closet.
- Oh, Al.
- Yeah? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Mrs.
Assfire? - No.
- All right, Butch Cassidy it is.
Oh, good.
I heard it has a happy ending.
All right, spread them, thief.
Look at that, Peg.
You know, some people just have no respect for the personal property of others.
Nothing at all, I tell you.
M-E-L-O-N-S.
Melons.
Your turn.
So, what have you got? Nothing I can use.
Hi, honey, I'm home.
Hi, Mom.
This is my new friend Bud.
- He's from - I know.
The Virgin Hotline.
I saw your picture on the side of a bus.
Great.
You wouldn't happen to know where that bus is so I could throw myself in front of it? Oh, they're everywhere, hon.
And I'm so glad that you were here to help Esther in her time of need.
Now, young lady, it's time for you to do your homework.
Okay, Mom.
And thank you, Bud.
Keep in touch.
Well, I didn't mean with me.
I meant with herself.
Well, not with herself, with her schoolwork.
- See you.
- Well, I'd like to thank you too, Bud.
If there had been a Virgin Hotline when I was her age I might have known who her father was.
Well, knowing who your father is isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Is there any way I can repay you? No, ma'am, no.
No, according to the book we're not allowed to take any kind of compensation.
Even if it's these? Didn't say anything about tips.
Mom, Dad, I'm going out! Mom? Dad? Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Now, why would you rent a movie and not watch it? It's like renting a hotel room and not ripping off the honour bar.
Old people do the dumbest things.
Thank you.