Bob's Burgers s09e08 Episode Script

1 LOUISE: Ah, another day, another dollar.
TINA: It's not school if you love what you do.
Guys, I told Alex I'd wait for him.
Uh, are you two gonna play that interesting, not-embarrassing game you made up? What's it called? Robot Something Basement Time? RoboWizard Quest.
There he is.
- Alex! - (panting) I tried to run here to meet you, but it turns out I run slower than I walk, which was, um, was a letdown, I'll be honest.
COURTNEY: Gene.
Oh, Gene! Gene.
Oh, hey, Courtney.
Doug.
Gene, Courtney has a little favor to ask you.
Uh, okay.
What is it? It's a favor.
Courtney, get in jump position.
Um, what are we, what is I need to see you lift Courtney.
You have to lift me.
Courtney is here, just so, and, Gene, when she hops up, you just lift and turn 90 degrees, and then you - I don't want to lift - No talking! Gene, shh! - Lift her! - Lift me! Courtney, jump.
Jump! - Come on, Gene.
- Gene, lift! - (Gene straining) - Lift me, Gene.
- Come on.
- Lift! - Come on, let's go.
- Lift! Bravo.
- That was really exciting.
- Wow.
I wish our dad made people lift us.
- Okay, can I go now? - No.
Courtney's Roller-Dance Pairs Competition partner Kelvin had to drop out.
His parents' improv troupe is going on tour again.
And her roller-dancing competition is on Saturday.
(whistles) Sounds glamorous.
Oh, it is, honey.
The whir of the skates.
The smell of the hairspray.
The blood on the wood My dad was Junior Partners champion in 1983.
- '84! - Sorry, Dad.
God, you get so weird about roller-dancing.
So, Gene, what do you say? Can we count on you to be our replacement? I've see you skate at the school skating parties.
You're fine.
We just need a good sturdy boy for Courtney to skate around.
Will you make me the happiest skate dad in the world? - Uh no.
- What? Sorry, but I'm not the sturdy, fine-at-skating boy you're looking for.
Now, excuse us, Alex and I got to go see a robot about a wizard.
- Huh, that is so weird.
- Lin, are you still staring at that woman sitting in her car? Yeah, she's been there for hours, Bob.
It's so spooky.
Ooh.
Uh-huh.
Maybe she lives in her car.
In a car like that? No way.
That car is nice.
I'd live in that car.
Mm, yeah.
She's wearing beautiful sunglasses, too.
They look like Grantlys.
Very high-end.
I watch a lot of makeover shows, okay, Bob? Geez.
Okay.
(chuckles) I didn't say anything, Teddy.
Yeah, well, you're judgy.
You're making a face.
I see it.
Okay, so she's wealthy and she's been sitting in her car all day.
That's a little weird.
Oh, I know, she's probably here to assassinate one of us, and she's working up the courage.
- Hmm.
Okay, which one of us? - Probably me.
Remember when I got hit on the head a few weeks ago? Oh, when you walked into a stop sign? Yeah.
I probably got a bad concussion, and I have amnesia.
And "amnesia me" went out at night and got in a high-stakes poker game and won thousands of dollars from her with my amnesia poker skills, so now she wants to kill me.
She wants to rip my friggin' head off.
I bet she just walks in here and does it.
Just like that, dead.
(jingling) Linda Belcher, now you die.
Aah, she got me, she got me! TEDDY: Ooh, gun glasses.
Exciting.
She's not here to kill you with gun glasses, Lin.
That's so mean, Bob.
-Don't tell me I can't get killed.
-(door bells jingle) Yeah, Bob, don't tell your wife she can't get killed.
- Sorry.
- Hey, kids.
- Good day at school? - Oh, yeah.
We all graduated early, and we don't have to go anymore.
Great.
Enough chitchat.
RoboWizard Quest calls.
Oh, right, the game.
Hi, Alex.
Hey, Mr.
Burger.
It's Belcher.
He answers to both.
It's fine.
No, I-I don't.
Wait, Tina, Louise, are you guys gonna play, too? No.
We watch and mock it delightfully.
All right, go have fun, kids.
And now the robot chooses a number.
(imitating robot): Choosing.
Oh, 27 is way over there.
And I must get there by hopping only on circles that add up to less than 27.
(imitating wizard): Or the wizard will be unleashed.
Circles and math.
This really is the perfect game.
Okay, here I go.
(grunting): Six.
- 12.
- That makes 18.
Wrong.
Oh, wait.
No, that's right.
Oh, no! I landed on ten.
(laughing) I curse thee.
I curse thee, Gene.
- (moans) - I command you to melt, robot.
- Melt.
- No Hey, kids.
Snack time.
All right, here we go with some pretzels and hummus.
Oh, I love hummus.
Hummus, hummus, hummus It's a yum-mus.
Little bit of a speed bump here.
I can't have hummus.
Why? It's healthy.
I am allergic to sesame.
It gives me, uh, thunder down under.
- Talking about diarrhea.
- Cool.
But he's not allergic to our secret handshake.
BOTH (whispering): Secret.
Ooh, great handshake, guys.
TINA: Gene, I don't know if I can wait while you wait for Alex.
Jimmy Jr.
started walking home five minutes ago, and I like to be exactly two minutes behind him.
I'm sure he'll be here soon.
Courtney, I already told you I'm not doing your roller thing.
(scoffs) We're not here for you.
Calm down.
- Um, hi, Gene.
- Alex.
Finally.
Shall we get down to wizness? Um, not exactly.
Looks like some lucky duck is gonna be Courtney's dance partner, and that two thumbs is me.
- Yay! - What?! Come on, Alex, let's roll.
Get it? 'Cause we're gonna roller skate.
(laughs) Bye, Gene.
No! My friend.
That man took my friend! Not really.
It's not a kidnapping thing.
Keep walking.
Ah! Oh, hey, Gene.
So, I assume it went terribly with Courtney yesterday, and she was very annoying, and we'll be playing RoboWizard Quest after school today? No, Gene, I, uh It was great.
There was a lot of, um, touching.
Wait, do you like-like Courtney? No! I mean, yes.
Not so much Courtney, per Se, just, I mean, I like-like every girl in our grade.
And Strawberry Shortcake.
I know she's not real, but my feelings for her are.
So, you want to roller-dance, instead of playing the game? Oh, uh, Gene, Gene, Gene, it's just no girl ever has asked me to do anything before.
Plus, my mom is really excited that I'm getting exercise.
Even though mostly, I just stand there while Courtney skates around and then I try to lift her.
But it's hard, because the doctor actually diagnosed -my arms with mainly calf muscles.
-Huh.
Alex! (grunts) Hey, you're supposed to catch me.
Oh, was I? I-I'm sorry.
Don't be silly.
I was joking, partner.
I mean, if you did catch me, it would be pretty cool, but it's okay.
Oh, hi, Gene.
Hi.
So Alex, why don't we head to lunch? Sorry, Gene, he can't.
The competition's in three days, so Daddy said we have to verbally rehearse at all times.
And a-one, two, three, four.
-Arabesque, arabesque.
-Jazz hands in place.
Jazz hands.
- Stand in place, stand in place.
- Chasse and toe-loop.
- Here we go.
- No jazz hands.
I hear the ticking of the clock I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark Clockwise circle spin.
Stand and clap.
I wonder where you are tonight No answer on the telephone And, half-loop.
And the night goes by so very slow Oh, I hope that it won't end though Alone Enthusiastic snap and tap.
Till now, I always got by on my own I never really cared until I met you And now, it chills me to the bone How do I get you alone? How do I get you alone? What? (whispers): Bob, Teddy.
She's back.
The lady in the car.
And she is definitely staring at me.
Creepy.
You know what I think she is? She's one of those ghosts who doesn't know she's dead.
Oh, you mean dumb ghosts? Happens all the time.
Probably, her husband got killed right out there on the sidewalk, right? Just walking along and, boom, attacked and killed by a tiger.
-But isn't she supposed to be the ghost? -Yes, Bob.
She died many years later, of natural causes.
But she never got over her husband's tiger death, so she just sits there in her car, waiting to see him.
And she never gets to exercise so she put on ten ghost pounds.
(sighs) Both of you are nuts.
Oh, wait.
She's getting out of her car, and she's coming over here.
- She's walking so slow.
- Yeah, ghost steps.
She's not a ghost, Teddy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no - Okay, that was actually weird.
- I told you, Bob.
Ooh, is her car a ghost, too? Teddy, what do you think? - Ghost car.
Ghost car.
- Oh, my god.
BOB: Gene, you all right there, pal? That's macaroni and cheese and you are not eating it.
You okay, my baby? Let me feel your forehead.
(sighs) I'm not sick, I'm just, I don't know.
His BFF up and BF-left.
Oh, no.
Did you and Alex friend-break-up? I don't want to talk about it.
Alex agreed to be Courtney's roller-dancing partner, so now Gene has to be the wizard and the robot and the saddest boy in the basement.
Aw.
Don't worry, I know a good friend for you, Gene.
She's about this tall and her name is Mommy.
(sighs) But Alex and I had something special.
And now he just wants to be with Courtney and it's all over.
Well, maybe you should just go down to the roller rink and support Alex.
You could cheer for them or whatever.
You know, that is really good advice.
It is? I mean, yeah, I-I-I give good advice.
And girls, you go with him and be his wing ma'ams.
I wouldn't mind seeing if there are any teens in jeans down there.
And I could lose thousands of dollars in the claw machine.
(sighs) I guess I could go.
- There's my boy.
- That's the spirit.
Now, how about having some dinn Oh, you're-you're eating.
Maybe slow down? Never mind, u-uh, do your thing.
Look at him go.
No, no! I said cross-hands.
Like that.
Cross-hands.
- It's right there in the name.
- ALEX'S MOM: Alex, honey? Do you need a healthy snack? How about some seaweed sheets? Mrs.
Papasian, please! If he's got low blood sugar, he loses focus! I have some sprouted cashews right here He does not need sprouted cashews! Mrs.
Papasian, may I speak with you over near the skate rental counter? W-Whoa! (grunts) Ow Gene? Gene? Why are you here? Are you here to mop? Hey, Alex, I thought if you had any downtime, we could play our game right here at the rink.
Let me just tape a couple of circles over here Gene, no.
I can play that with you later.
I'm here with Courtney and she's dancing with me and her dad is yelling at me, and why can't you just let me enjoy myself? Please.
So apparently, I'm just going to sit here and quietly support you, honey.
All right, back to it, guys.
Gene? Did you change your mind? What are you doing here? - Nothing.
- You don't deserve my brother.
Yeah, what she said.
But also, I'm just gonna get the mop because we need it, um, at the restaurant.
Bye.
- (doorbell rings) - ALL: Not it.
- Feet hurt.
- Huh.
Maybe it's Alex.
Maybe I got through to him and he feels bad, and he quit roller-dance, and he came to apologize.
See? I knew you guys would work it out because I'm great at advice.
Yeah, you are.
And at rubbing my feet.
(sighs) Fine.
Give them to me.
Yay! (laughs) - Oh, that tickles.
- Ugh.
Doug? Hello, Gene.
I have a proposition for you.
(thunder crashes) I need you to help me make Alex disappear.
No! Yes! What? Maybe.
Explain yourself? Make Alex disappear? Why? Because Courtney will never win with him, Gene.
He can barely lift her, his claps are weak and his mother's no walk in the park, either.
True.
But no offense, I don't care if they win or lose.
I know.
Only I care if she wins.
But you should care that you could lose Alex forever.
No one knows what that's like better than me.
In the year 1984, I was on top of the world, with my best friend Charlie Cross.
And then he met a girl skater named Sharon.
He started skating with her, and we were never friends again.
-Huh.
-And now they've been married for 30 years.
- It's awful! - Yuck.
Yeah.
So you got to step in, pal.
Get Alex out of there and bring that trophy home.
I mean, not really, I'll bring it home.
Don't touch it! Don't touch the trophy.
And then, I promise you, I will find her a partner for the next competition, and you and Alex can go right back to doing whatever the hell you want.
(moans) Fine.
I'll do it.
(chuckles): Attaboy.
There's got to be something that you know that we can use against him.
Well, sesame gives him diarrhea.
Yes, that's perfect.
You can put some in a drink or something and give it to him right before showtime.
- Me? - Yes.
It would be too suspicious if it came from me.
Then, when he gets the runs, you run to the rescue.
Don't I need to, like, learn the routine? You just need to nail the lift, which I know you can do.
See you at 10:00 a.
m.
sharp.
- LOUISE: Gene.
- Ah! Wait.
How much of that did you hear? All of it.
I can't believe you're gonna give Alex diarrhea.
I mean, it's hilarious, but I thought you liked him.
Yeah, you're not really gonna do that, right, Gene? Damn right I am, sister.
I'll do whatever it takes to get my buddy back, including making him diarrhea himself at a roller rink.
It's really the only way to show someone you care.
I know.
Good morning, kids.
Who's excited to wipe down menus? I don't know, a psychopath? Kids, it's Saturday, which means we might get customers, so we might need your help.
But Dad, we're taking your advice and going to support Alex and Courtney in their roller-dancing competition.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Great.
Since it was my advice, you should probably go.
Yep.
And we aren't going there to try to stop Gene from doing anything bad to Alex at all.
Okay.
Aw, my little supportive seagulls.
And I want to bring Alex his favorite drink, which is anything that has sugar in it.
Mother, may I have a brown soda to go? -Of course.
-Um, w-what's in your hand, Gene? A spoonful of hummus.
No reason.
Ooh, fun.
Walking hummus.
I love it.
That seems (groans) Just bring the spoon back.
Oh, and you should probably give me 100 quarters.
- Here's three.
- Mm.
Have fun, kids.
All right, time to get my paws on some claws.
Good luck ruining Alex's life and/or outfit, Gene.
Gene, are you sure you want to do this? If you give Alex hot sesame squirts and he finds out, he may never forgive you.
It's a chance I got to take, Tina.
Gene.
Hi, how are you? Welcome.
Roller rinks, huh? Lot of fun? (gasps) She's back! BOB: Something weird is definitely going on.
- LINDA: She's coming our way.
- TEDDY: W-What should we do? Nothing.
She's just a person, Teddy.
Yeah, I'm not taking any chances, Bobby.
This is it.
She's really coming this time.
Nope.
No, back to the car.
Wait, wait, she's coming back again.
TEDDY: What's happening out there? You guys alive? Nope, nope, never mind.
There she goes again.
- Oh, okay, that's it.
- Bob, what are you doing? - I'm gonna go talk to her.
- TEDDY: Don't do it, Bobby! I'll be fine, Teddy.
I'm just gonna figure out - what's going on.
- Okay, but if she starts dragging you to Hell, give me a signal.
- Like this.
- That's just waving.
- Okay, like this.
- Perfect.
Huh? Hi.
Uh, I work at that restaurant right there.
My name is Bob and, um, I just wanted to check and see if everything is okay? Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm Brenda, and I (crying) I only have, have to go into one public place, and I can't even do it! I'm a little confused.
I'm agoraphobic, and my doctor wants me to face my fears by going into a public place.
So, I chose your restaurant to go into because it's usually pretty empty.
No offense.
No, it's okay.
It's true.
But I'm just too nervous.
What if there's a fire and then I get trapped in there, and then I'm trampled, and what if the lady in the glasses hits me? No, that's my wife.
She won't hit you, I don't think.
-Oh, God! -No, I mean, she definitely won't.
L-Look, would it help if I walked you in? I-I don't know.
Maybe that could work.
Li-Lin.
(shushing) Just be calm.
Please, be calm.
-Hi! -(screams) -Oh, God! What's the matter? What's the matter? - What'd I do? What'd I do? - No, no, no, no Oh.
Hey, Gene.
Hey.
Sorry about the other day.
Oh, that's okay.
I freak out a lot, too.
Cool, well, I brought you a soda for good luck.
Wow.
Hey, thanks, Gene.
Actually, um, I'm sorry I stopped playing RoboWizard Quest with you.
I just got so excited to be around a girl.
Thanks for understanding.
You're a good friend.
I mean, probably my best friend.
(coughs) - No! - What the heck, Gene? I'm a bad friend! What? What's going on? Alex, I was gonna trick you and make you drink sesame stuff so that you'd get diarrhea and then I could take your place as Courtney's partner because Doug wanted me to because you can't lift Courtney and your claps are weak, so I said I would do it, but I can't do it! I don't want to give you diarrhea.
I'm sorry! Gene, I am mad that you wanted to give me diarrhea, but I'm really happy that you decided not to do it.
'Cause Gene, it is a mess.
- Friends? - Friends.
(both grunting) Hey, you know what? Maybe you should replace me.
I like trying to lift Courtney, but I am not good at it.
I mean, I did it once, for a second, but then we both fell over.
And actually, her knee fell on my mouth.
And also, my claps are weak.
See? - Huh.
- Here.
All the way back.
And Wow.
Yeah.
There was literally no sound.
But I still don't think I should replace you.
I've got a better idea.
Let's go find Courtney.
LINDA: Agoraphobia? -Yes, Lin.
-But we don't have spiders in here.
- No, that's arachnophobia.
- Oh.
She's afraid of public spaces and people.
- Oh, like Howard Huge.
- Hughes.
- Yeah.
What did I say? - (sighs) Huge.
- Huge.
- Oh, my God.
All right.
Let's try to focus here, guys.
All right? We need to help Brenda and she agreed to come back on a few conditions, and I need you guys to listen.
I'm gonna open the door and give her a wave, and then she's gonna come in, - but you cannot talk to her.
- You got that, Teddy? - Eh - Neither of you can talk to her.
- And don't look at her, either.
- Okay.
I'm just gonna look at this spot right here on the counter.
Wait, where'd it go? Shoot.
No, I lost the spot! -I lost the spot, Bobby! Don't let her in! -Teddy, just calm down.
- Don't let her in! - Calm down.
Okay, you guys are clearly ready, so let's just do this.
Look away, look away.
(gasping) (Linda humming) (Teddy whimpering) - Hi, I'm Linda! - (shouts) You know, my cousin's afraid of church bells.
Guys, no.
Oh, no, we blew it.
(door bells jingle) Thank you.
I'll be back tomorrow.
(gasps) We did it! We did it! Yay! Now she'll never have any more problems.
Yeah, she was kind of annoying, though.
Right? And now taking the stage, Courtney Wheeler and Alex Papasian.
(laughs) We'll see about that.
Woo-hoo! Alex! What the H-E-double- roller-hockey-sticks? Where's Gene? Come on, stuffed shape with eyes, - I need you in my life.
- Hey, Gene's not out there.
I knew he'd make the right choice.
Yes, shape! I got you.
(gasps) No, no, no, no, no! Gene, what are you doing? I'm roller-dancing with my friends, Doug.
You're going to get us disqualified.
It's called doubles, not triples.
I curse thee! I curse thee! - No, don't curse me.
- You're cursed, baby.
You are ruining our dreams, you smelly little burger boy.
I want to dance with them, Dad.
I don't even like doing this.
This is your thing.
Oh, is it? You tried to get my best friend to give me diarrhea in front of a girl.
He did what? -You son of a -Get away! Get away from me, Mrs.
Papasian! - Get away! Get away! - Skate for your life, Doug! - Whoa.
- Yeah.
- (grunting) - I'm flying.
- (panting) - (applause) Am I crazy, or did we just win? Uh, no, you definitely did not win.
Please clear the floor.
(imitating robot): You rolled 20.
I can do it.
I can do it.
Okay.
- 25.
- You lose.
(imitating wizard): I curse thee.
I curse thee.
You have to melt.
Uh, I'm melting.
Ah.
I don't know.
- Melt.
- I am melting.
Trust me.
So, uh, is this game fun? Once you get to know all the ins and outs, and the players and the rules, it is not.
I think it looks like a hoot.
I want to play next round.
- There's a lot of math.
- I'm great at math.
Four! - W-Why did you say four? - It's math.
-Seven! -(chuckles) You're saying numbers, but that's not necessarily math.
Yeah, but one of them's gonna be right.
12.
If you're rollin' with me If you want to be my partner I need you to lift Lift me up off my feet I need you to lift me The rink smells like feet But you make me complete I need you to lift me! I'm flying! Lift me! If you're rollin' with me.