Married with Children s09e08 Episode Script

- Hi, Daddy.
- Look at this.
The bad guy shoots Superman a dozen times see the bullets bounce off, so they throw their guns at him.
It's like they can't kill him so they think they can give him a bad bruise.
What a bunch of morons.
Daddy, do you notice anything different about me? No, son.
Daddy, it's Kelly.
Tell her to come in.
I am already in.
And I am wearing a brunette wig.
"Why?" you ask.
Because I got picked to do a public service announcement.
I decided that I should do it as a brunette since blonds have a reputation for being dumb.
Which we all know is just a stereo system.
Pumpkin, Daddy is watching a very important program.
It's called Superman.
What's the big S stand for? Straight.
Can't be too careful when you take your pants off in a phone booth.
Now go away, honey, I'm studying this kryptonite thing.
If it'll stop Superman, it might just work on your mother.
Fine.
You never pay any attention to me.
It's why I seek the cash and affection of older men.
That's nice, pumpkin.
And I do pay attention.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Peg.
It's me, Dad.
I got to tell you about my day.
I had to give a driving test to a woman who was so fat they had to shoot her license photo with the Hubble Telescope.
Listen to me.
I don't have time for your shaggy, fat-woman stories.
- You never listen to anyone.
- I listen to Superman.
He and Clark are very wise.
You're a sick man, Dad.
Hey, you're not a sick person just because you watch Superman.
You're a sick person if you think you really are Superman.
Hey, Al.
Jefferson.
Peg kept me up half the night.
Yeah, well, you're lucky.
Marcie kept half of me up all night.
Hey, I'm on my way to a memorabilia auction.
Wanna buy Marcie one of those original Barbie dolls for her birthday.
You wanna come? No.
I don't care much for memorabilia.
I live my life in the present.
Dragnet is on.
Al.
Guess what I won at bingo.
A concertina.
Come on, Jefferson, we'll be late for that auction.
Do I have another bid? Sold for $3200.
Michael Jackson's original nose.
Well, I hope the Barbie bidding stays low.
I only brought 2 grand.
Two grand for a Barbie doll? A real woman isn't worth that much.
And the next item up for bid, still in its original wrapper the first issue of Big 'Uns.
Twelve hundred dollars.
Sold.
- You don't have any money.
- You got 2 grand.
Al, that is money I took from Marcie for her birthday present.
Jefferson, this is the first issue of Big 'Uns.
There's 40 pages.
That's 80 "uns.
" Okay.
Maybe I can find a Barbie for 800.
You won't be able to find Woodstock Barbie for that.
- "Woodstock Barbie"? - Oh, yes.
As any Barbiephile would know Woodstock Barbie comes with elephant-like bell-bottoms and in a poor boy top.
I'm prepared to go as high as 10,000.
And I'm prepared to call America's Most Wanted.
I was lucky to get this Nurse Barbie for $800.
Look.
They put a bellybutton on her.
I guess they want little girls to know how the human body really looks.
That's why married Ken has no genitals.
Well, Jefferson, I'll see you next week.
Oh, hi, honey.
Hey, Jefferson, I have your auction catalogue here.
You know, I can't believe what people pay for these Barbies especially the ones with mistakes.
Look.
A Barbie head on a Ken body goes for $8000.
And look at this.
Fifty thousand dollars for a Nurse Barbie with a bellybutton.
I'll tell you, the things people spend their money on.
Well, if anybody wants me I'll be upstairs in my new tanning bubble.
Jefferson, it's $50,000.
Well, what are we gonna do? We say goodbye to you and catch a plane to Aruba.
Al, it's Marcie.
Jefferson Milhouse D'Arcy.
Open this door right now.
I can't give bellybutton Barbie to Marcie.
It's more valuable than she is.
Hey, wait.
Wait.
I got an idea.
Go let her in.
Go, go.
Hey, Marcie, I thought I heard some pecking.
Out of my way, swamp gas.
That's Mr.
Swamp Gas to you.
I'm sorry about the door, honey.
I just didn't want you to see your birthday present before I got the price tag off.
Happy birthday.
A rawhide bone, Jefferson? Now give me back my bone or I'm ripping everybody a new bellybutton.
Jefferson.
An original Nurse Barbie.
I've wanted this doll all my life.
My parents never let me have a Barbie.
Instead they bought me a Chinese backscratcher.
I put clothes and makeup on it, but it just wasn't the same.
Oh, thank you, honey.
I'm never letting her out of my sight.
Me, neither.
Hey, here comes Popeye.
Hey, Al, you want to try my squeeze box? No, Peg, you blew this man down a long time ago.
Peg? Kelly? Bud? Good.
Bring on the Big 'Uns.
- Hey, Dad.
- Of course.
Well Today, while I was giving a driving test I learned that windshields are made from this stuff called safety glass.
That's so no one else will get hurt when I go flying through it.
Now look, son.
Son, look, it's not that I don't care.
Oh, sure that's part of it.
But the main thing is I've got something very important to do.
Big 'Uns? Some bigger than your entire body.
Now, son, you've got two choices.
Get out or get the hell out.
Fine.
You never pay any attention to me.
Is it any wonder I seek the affections of sleazy bar maids and 25-cent movies? Gee, now I feel bad.
Yep, now I feel good.
Look, Daddy, I changed my mind.
I decided that it is not the colour of the hair but the head that it's stuck to, that is important.
Ergo, I have decided to do the announcement proudly wearing this blond wig.
But, pumpkin, that's your real hair colour.
They don't know that.
That's a good point, sweetheart.
Now, you leave Daddy alone now.
Okay.
I don't think Daddy was listening to me.
I'll bet he's got a Big 'Uns under the couch.
Oh, well, the important thing to remember is I'm going up the stairs, up the stairs.
Wait.
Where was I going? Oh, yeah.
Up the stairs, up the stairs.
I got a big problem, Al.
Marcie hasn't let go of that Barbie doll since I gave it to her.
I need you to do me a little favour.
Can I do it while I'm reading my magazine? You know, that magazine still belongs to me until you've paid me for it.
What is the favour? I need you to sleep with Marcie.
I don't mean sleep with her.
Just lie next to her so I can switch that Barbie with the regular Nurse Barbie.
The Barbiephile that we saw at the auction will give me $50,000 and the substitute.
It'd just take an hour until I make the trade.
How about it? Jefferson.
Peg might wake up and notice me gone and then it might ruin an otherwise-sickening marriage.
Hey, look, Al.
She's dancing.
Oh, all right, I'll do it.
Al, I'm so glad you're home.
Gladys has just taught myself and the entire neighbourhood "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
" I'll leave my pyjamas under the weeping willow tree.
Good move.
Hit it, girls.
What took you so long? You haven't lived until you heard "Itsy Bitsy Spider" played on a concertina.
And speaking of things I'm afraid of with hairy legs let's get this thing over with.
- You're sure she won't wake up? - Positive.
We just had sex three times.
And I did her real good.
Okay, I switched the Barbie with a Chinese backscratcher.
One hour, Jefferson.
You better be back here in one hour.
One hour.
And if you hear a noise coming from across the hall that's Marcie's niece, Amber.
Anything else I should know? Well, Marcie likes me to sleep with my hand on her tush.
It'll keep her from waking up.
Jefferson, where are you? Well, Jefferson isn't back yet.
There's a shock.
Fifty grand in his pock et and me with his wife.
Gee, who came out ahead? To hell with this, I'm getting out of here.
Hello? Peggy? I'm worried about Al.
He's missing.
I thought maybe he was with Jefferson.
No, my Jefferson's right here.
Gee.
You know, his remote is cold.
And the toilet seat is dry.
Where do you think he could be? Well, maybe he's with another woman.
Listen, don't you worry, Peggy if we hear anything, we'll let you know.
Jefferson.
You want to take me again? Come on, I don't mean to criticize but you didn't really satisfy me earlier.
Aunt Marcie, do you have a heating pad? There's one in the nightstand.
Are you sick? I'm on my period.
You know how it is.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
I've gone to the super tampons lately myself.
The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.
Even my breasts are swollen.
Want to see? Not here.
We don't want to wake Uncle Jefferson.
Jefferson, rub my back.
That's my chest.
I can't get back in bed with her.
But on the good side, soon Marcie will get up, I'll see her pluck ed nak ed and drop dead.
I'm sorry I'm late, buddy.
I swapped the Barbie's, I got the 50 thou.
I was on my way back when I got the urge to gamble.
I felt a lucky streak coming on so I decided to run my 50 thou into 100.
- Well, did you? - No, I lost it all.
So did I.
I wouldn't go in your bathroom if I were you.
Your shirt is all wet.
You even sweat in bed? Those are tears, Jefferson.
Jefferson? - She's waking up.
Go.
Go.
- I'm going.
- Did you hear someone screaming? - Yeah.
It was probably Al falling from the window after having slept with you.
Al Bundy, where have you been? Sleeping with Marcie.
Don't you lie to me.
You have been at Shecky's All Night Chicken Shack.
Haven't you? And I've been up all night, worried sick.
Pacing, fretting, cleaning Which I should do more often.
Do you know that I found a magazine underneath that couch that was over 40 years old? Oh, no.
Where is it? I threw it out.
Oh, Peg.
Peg, I want my Big 'Uns.
Oh, honey, you want Big 'Uns? - I'll give you Big 'Uns.
- No, I said, Big 'Uns.
Not those ones.