Modern Family s09e08 Episode Script

1 What was my best brush with celebrity? Oh, this is such a good one.
One time I saw Jack Nicholson at the car wash.
I can't go through this again.
Jack Nicholson does not drive a Hyundai Odyssey with a Co-Exist bumper sticker, Cam.
Being in the closet business, I met a lot of famous people.
I can't name names, but let's just say it's someone who's the boss.
- You met Bruce Springsteen? - No, Tony Danza.
Oh, from the TV show? Nah, she was the boss.
It's open to interpretation.
I saw Santa Claus at the mall.
"The Unwitting Miss Castle.
" What's that about? It's about three persecuted women in different time periods, or one time traveler with incredibly bad luck.
I don't know which.
Somehow, I was able to join a very exclusive book club filled with the most intelligent women.
I can never seem to impress them.
They use words like "sanguine.
" I don't want to look like an idiot, so I use it, too.
Isn't that the most sanguine thing you ever heard? You're not using it right.
CLAIRE: I've read the same chapter eight times still don't get it.
Just say, "It holds a mirror up to society.
" You'll get your "C" and get out of there.
Huh.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
Who's that young thing? Wow, what's up with the outfit, Mod Squad? Oh, yeah, I'm, uh I'm showing a house to someone.
- Oh.
- I'd rather not say who it is.
- I totally get that.
- It's Chris Martin from Coldplay.
- [GASPS.]
Come on, really? - It's not a big deal.
Says the man who spent most of last night sewing that flower onto his jeans.
Okay, it's a really big deal.
I'm meeting the man who sings how I feel.
Yes, his music is so sanguine.
Eh, closer.
Never been a big Coldplay guy.
I'm more into hip-hop, death metal, "Little Mermaid.
" That one really imprinted on me back in the day.
- My stomach feels weird.
- You're probably just nervous.
Ooh, maybe you need someone to come with you.
No, he's there to buy a house, not talk about music, which is why I'm not even gonna mention that I'm a songwriter, too.
Oh, you wrote one song.
- I said everything I had to say.
- About a realtor.
It was about life! This is why they mock you at book club.
Oh, here's a brush with celebrity I can actually talk about.
Last summer, I was called upon to participate in the most American of traditions getting out of jury duty.
Do you have any experience with law enforcement? Big time.
I-I don't trust, uh, cops.
Also, I despise robbery victims.
They're the real criminals for clogging up our court system.
- Nice try, Juror 3.
- What about economic hardship? The last time I missed work, the California closet market collapsed.
Some people think that caused the L.
A.
Riots.
[MOANS.]
I must be done talking.
I'm going into labor.
Ma'am, Ma'am, everything's gonna be all right.
Bailiff, help Juror 11 with anything she needs, and bring in the next alternate.
Uh, as her Lamaze coach, I think I should probably be out in the hall with Terry Bradshaw.
I love Terry Bradshaw! Juror 11, is there anything that might prevent you from serving effectively on this jury? No scheduling conflicts, Your Honor.
However, I am going through kind of a rough patch right now.
You see, I lost my best friend.
Or did he just find one? But I'm happy to serve.
I believe in the American legal system, and I believe it's all about teamwork.
[CLAPS.]
That's a touchdown of an answer, champ.
Uh, this lady here put me down for that.
Are you ready for some justice? - Oh, my God.
- GLORIA: What? A celebrity? - It's Sam Anvilmaker.
- Who? He wrote "The Forgetters and the Forgotten"? "Farce, American Style"? "Screw You For Reading This"? What the hell is happening? Yes, that one, too! He's my favorite playwright.
Why don't you go over and tell him that you're a fan? Maybe he can give you some advice.
No, no, I wouldn't want to bother him.
He's notoriously private.
He writes in a hollowed-out tree somewhere in Montana.
- Don't be nervous.
- It just doesn't feel right.
Manny, if somebody admired my work as much as this, I would like to know.
[SIGHS.]
- Go.
- Okay.
Here we go.
- Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Anvilmaker? - Let me guess I'm the reason you want to be a writer.
Yeah, actually.
Your first play changed the way that I looked at Look, listen, kid.
I'm not here to collect panties with phone numbers on them.
I'm here to experience the cold absurdity that is being alive.
So go and find someone else to venerate.
Oh, uh Sorry for bothering you.
Here's a writing tip show me you're sorry for bothering me.
Don't tell me.
GLORIA: Okay, let's take a picture of the two new best friends.
Come together.
I should never have left my tree.
And then, I saw Daniel Day-Lewis at our dry cleaner.
Not him.
No.
Uh, the time we actually saw a celebrity was last December when we were shopping for gardening supplies.
I'll never forget the feeling of having Lincoln look directly into my eyes and saying, "We couldn't get the barbecue sauce out.
" CAMERON: We both don't need a pair.
We can just share these.
And what if I want my own? [SCOFFS.]
We share everything.
We share a toothbrush.
- We do? Oh - Oh, my Oh, my gosh.
There's the guy who hosts that home makeover show we love so much.
- What? Where? - It's Scott Hunter.
- Scott Hunter is right over there.
- [GASPS.]
Every week, Scott Hunter, the host of "I Beg Your Garden," selects an unsuspecting couple at a home store.
Yeah, he taps them on the shoulder and says, "I beg your garden.
" What?! Oh, my God! I can't believe it! That's how it goes every time.
Every time.
Where are the cameras? I know.
I wish I would've worn something more colorful.
Okay, you know what? We have to get on the show.
Can you imagine a backyard makeover, what he would do with ours? Yeah, one word, three syllables, starts with "gah," ends with "zebo.
" - Gazebo.
- I love gazebos.
I do, too! Now that I'm thinking about it, I have to have one.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Wait, we work hard.
We deserve to stand in the shade a few inches off the ground.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what? Let's go get tapped.
[LAUGHS QUIETLY.]
Hm, what's over here? I don't know.
Oh, my gosh, Mitchell, do you like this planter? It would go great in our hopelessly outdated and neglected backyard.
Well, I love it if you love it.
And what do you think of these pavers? Oh, I think they go great with that gazebo we've always dreamed of having.
Oh, forget it.
He's gone.
W-What did we do wrong? We were pleasant.
You know what? Maybe we were too nice.
Couples on those shows always have conflict.
So do we.
When's the last time we agreed on anything? We We're constantly bickering.
I know, sometimes it reveals something deeper, but not always.
You know what? Let's go show him our delightful brand of bitchy friction.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
- Stop seeing eye-to-eye with me.
- Sorry, sorry.
Let's go find him and drum up an argument.
Yeah, terrific idea.
I'm not doing it on purpose.
I'm just Oh, ow.
What is going on? My gro oy oh! This was a nightmare.
I was about to meet my hero, and I was experiencing this bizarre pain in in my nether region.
Wait, I'm a grown man.
I should be able to say it my left bean bag did it again.
My tersticle That's as close as I think I'm gonna get.
Hello? Hey, hey! Welcome, welcome, welcome.
- Phil.
- Hey, I'm Chris.
- Oh! - Hey, what's wrong? Oh, nothing.
[SIGHS.]
You thought I'd be better looking.
People think that because the rest of the band - look like hobbits.
- No, no, no.
It's It's a little Hey.
I love your flower jeans.
Where did you get those? They're from a store.
Well, they're very me.
They're very me.
Do you remember the name of the store? - Actually, I embroidered them myself.
- Impressive.
When you're ready for it, you get a T-shirt, you put it on top of a long-sleeve, then it lets everybody know you own multiple shirts.
Impressive.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
So, mate, shall we have a trod-a-bout? I'm flattered.
I'd rather just keep it professional, have a walk around.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, that's not whatOi I meant [GRUNTS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Terry was just sitting there by himself because everybody's always afraid to talk to the prettiest girl, except this guy.
It's all about confidence.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
Excuse me, Mr [CLEARS THROAT.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Excuse me, Mr.
Bradshaw.
Jay Pritchett, juror number 3.
Terry.
Call me Terry.
- How you doing, Terry? - Hi.
Good.
You? Hey, this robbery case, huh? Now, I know we don't have all the facts yet, but I think it might be hard for me to lock up a"Steeler.
" [LAUGHS.]
I try to keep it light.
You might if I join you? No, no, no, free country.
Sit down.
He said "yes"! The '70s, it was a better game.
You guys did everything offense, defense.
Didn't I see you mow the field one night before the game? You know, that's how I made my money? [LAUGHS.]
I can't actually believe that I'm having lunch with Terry Bradshaw.
I mean, from football fame to country music stardom to big-screen idol.
"Smokey and the Bandit II.
" Now that was a challenge.
To play yourself, that can be kind of tricky.
- I thought you stole the movie? - Ah, stop that.
You're too kind.
You know, not everything I touch turns to gold.
I mean, I've had my share of missteps along the way.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, right, like "Failure to Launch," right? - Sorry? - You should be.
I mean, that thing was a real stinker.
I happen to be proud of that movie.
I mean, that's some of the best work I've ever done.
No, you were good, yeah.
But, I mean, don't worry about it.
Nobody saw it.
Yeah, well.
Guess it's about time we get on back in, huh? Same time tomorrow.
Hey, I'm wide open.
Like in football.
Nobody speaks to my son like that.
No, no, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Please don't get up and make a scene and embarrass me more.
I'm begging you.
Okay, but you don't have to block me in.
I am not crazy.
I am not the hot-headed Latina that you all make me out to be.
You sent a cow heart to a children's soccer referee.
Manny, what else was I supposed to do? Look, what happened was a good thing.
He was teaching me the focus required to live the life of an artist, and that is a very valuable lesson that I'll cherish forever.
Okay, Papi, if you're happy, then I'm happy.
Why don't you pick your dessert? Hmm.
I wouldn't say no to an almond cookie and an espresso and You're gone, aren't you? - SAM: Honey, I'll take another - Shut up.
That's my son over there.
He opened his beautiful soul to you, to praise you, to get some advice from you, and you were mean to him? Come on, we both know that your attitude is just a defense mechanism to protect the tiny, little ego from the truth that you don't deserve any praise, that you're a fraud, that you're just a big, fat nobody.
[WHIMPERS.]
[CRIES.]
All men break the same.
What's happening? What is all this? - Go up the next aisle.
- Okay.
Oh, God, I'm loving these new pavers we picked.
You know what, I'm starting to have second thoughts.
Oh, no, this isn't gonna be another conflict between us, is it? Oh, gosh, I don't want another conflict.
- Privy.
- Okay.
Okay, you're you're not actually putting a reclaimed wood piece in our cart, are you? - [WHISPERS.]
That's great, that's great.
- No.
The whole "reclaimed wood" aesthetic is an insulting appropriation of barn culture.
No, I'm being serious.
It's like when Madonna wore overalls! - You're good.
- Mitchell, take it out I don't want it.
- I think it's pretty.
- I think it's pretty offensive.
Okay, rein it in.
- Oh, there she is, Mother Superior.
- Okay, Rumple-thinskin.
Okay, you know what? I don't need this.
- I'm just gonna go wait in the car.
- Perfect, yeah, run away.
And just FYI the reason I like barn wood is cause it reminds me of you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean I-I know that you get homesick sometimes, and I-I want to bring a little, you know, country into our house.
I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to offend you.
Oh, you didn't offend me.
I'm just being oversensitive like you said.
[SIGHS.]
I'm just being my normal snooty self.
I don't I don't know how you put up with me.
I don't know how you put up with me.
- I do.
- Mm.
Excuse me.
- Yes? - Oh, yes? Hi.
- I just need to get by.
- Okay.
- He didn't say it.
- He didn't say it.
And last, but not least, the city at your feet.
Yeah.
I'm still kind of flabbergasted that there's no bubble machine.
It's okay.
I can install my own.
[GRUNTS.]
- Oh, you're judging me? - No, no.
[SIGHS.]
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am losing touch with who I am.
All I really need is three chords and a mattress.
And my chef.
[GROANS.]
Uh, hey, Phil, what's happening here? - Oh, not too much.
[GROANS.]
- Phil? - Oh, my God, you've gone all yellow.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's like your song.
Funny thing I also like to write mu Phil? [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
What happened? Mr.
Dunphy, you have acute orchitis.
It's a massively inflamed testicle.
I'm giving you an I.
V.
bag of antibiotics and some pain meds because [WHISTLES.]
Oh, boy.
So embarrassed.
I can't believe I passed out in front of a rock star.
Please tell me he didn't know why.
Oh, brilliant, you're awake.
I've got some ice for your biscuits.
No.
No, no, no, no, no! Oh! Oh, that really Oh, that feels so good.
Terry, can we talk? Please don't shut me out.
I know I messed up, and I'm so sorry for my failure at lunch.
- BAILIFF: Sir, please sit down.
- Do you mind? - Same seats.
- JUDGE: Let's proceed.
Juror number 10, has anyone in your family ever been the victim of a violent crime? - Well my mother - Psst! Not you, keep going.
Oh, actually, could you tap him on the shoulder? Juror 11, is this man bothering you? You talking about the movie critic right here? - Absolutely, he's bothering me! - Objection! I request permission to approach Mr.
Bradshaw.
No! I mean, denied! Look, that's not a thing you can ask.
Your Honor, we'd like to dismiss Juror number 3.
What?! No, no.
I'll be good.
I promise.
Sir, you have to leave now.
Fine.
I'm going.
I'll be waiting in the parking lot, buddy.
Judge hit me with a restraining order.
But Terry had to sign it.
We're gonna get through this together, Phillip.
I guess I just don't understand why you're here.
Well, because you really reached me back there, and I realized I got to be more of a regular guy.
Mr.
Dunphy, I have your Chris Martin.
Wow.
I'm a huge fan.
Can I get a picture with you? No.
I want a picture with you.
- Come on.
Let's do it.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Phil, 25 million followers.
- No, thank you.
Uh, I'd love some privacy.
Is there maybe a room opening up? CLAIRE: Phil? Honey? I came just as soon as Chris called me.
Hello.
Claire, I've got to say, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
You're even more beautiful than you are in Phil's photos.
Pbht! - I like your music.
- Well, thank you.
Claire, can I talk to you for one second.
- Yes, of course, sweetie, yes.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
[WHISPERS.]
I want Chris Martin to leave.
Hm? What? Why? It's weird that he's here when I'm like this, and he's attracting attention.
Oh, I don't think yeah, okay.
- DONNA: Claire? - Mm Oh, you're not gonna like this.
- DONNA: This is so exciting! - You invited your book club?! [GIGGLING.]
We're huge fans.
A book club sounds kind of regular.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I should join one of those.
There's about to be an opening in ours.
I'm the one who invited you here.
And what are you beautiful, uh, scholars reading? ANGIE: "The Unwitting Miss Castle.
" Mm.
I love that book.
Although I did find the fences metaphor a little mundane.
- Oh, yes.
Pretentious.
- Completely agree.
I said the exact same thing last week, and you guys just rolled your eyes at me.
Claire, don't be such a Mrs.
Devereaux.
[ALL GIGGLING.]
Twinsies! - DONNA: That is so you! - Hey, Phil.
Our photo got 25,000 likes.
- Phil? - Phil? Ohh Oh, it's probably all the meds.
I'll handle this.
I've been to Burning Man with Keith Richards.
No, no, no.
I'll handle it.
I've been on vacation with my mother.
Hey Where are you off to, stranger? Honey, I need to be alone.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry I invited the girls from book club.
It's I just wanted them to like me.
[SIGHS.]
I can't believe this happened.
This was supposed to be such an amazing day.
I know.
Is there anything I can do to make it better? Yes.
You can make Chris Martin go away, now.
[GROANS.]
I'm so sorry, guys.
Oh, I didn't mean to cause a Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's it's not you personally.
No, no, no, it is me.
I'm a distraction.
Everyone wants to say "hi" or they want to take a picture or they want to sleep with me.
- MARIE: They sure do.
- Shut 'er down, Marie.
And it's a nightmare.
It's beginning to affect my creativity.
The last song I wrote was about my helicopter.
I was too ashamed to release it.
I had to sell it to Qantus for $1 million.
Your problems are so sanguine.
- Is that how you use that word? - Nobody knows.
Oh, anyway, I wish there was something I could do to make this all better.
You could buy that house.
No, Phil.
Thanks to you, that's the old me.
Oh, good.
I know something you could do for him.
You've been looking for your own special space Somewhere you can call your resting place You've been looking for your kids and your spouse It's time time to buy yourself a Dunphy house Oh, Dunphy, Dunphy, Dunphy They're affordable and comfy, comfy, comfy I can't believe he's actually making it work.
Why would he not pick us? Yeah, we gave him everything he wants - a fight, reconciliation - Yeah.
not to mention we're camera-ready.
It's everything TV wants to be.
I mean, what does he want us to do, write the episode for him? Yeah, America deserves to see us get a free gazebo.
There he is.
I have half a mind to go over there and confront him.
Yeah, well, I have the other half.
- Wait, wait.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Excuse us.
- Can I help you guys? - Yeah, how about an explanation? Why aren't you picking us for your show? Yeah, what are we not sexy enough? Not young enough for your demo? Wait, no, is it 'cause we're gay? You know, I've actually never seen a gay couple - on your little program.
- Yeah, or a P.
E.
teacher - slash vice principal.
- He's literally that.
Just tell us why you're not picking us.
Guys, I don't have a show anymore.
- Please, we just saw that episode - Yeah.
- Deb and Don in San Antonio last week? - Yeah.
Don wanted a place to grill.
- We got canceled, like, two years ago.
- What? - What, why? - It's such a popular show! Look, uh [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
The network fired me - Why? - ­ when they found out that I had this website where people paid to watch me build stuff naked.
- Is that so? - How naked? - Very.
- You know what, why are you hanging out in the aisles of a home store? - I work here.
Ohh.
- You do.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Hey, if you did still have a show, um - would you pick us? - Umm BOTH: It costs you nothing to say "yes.
" Oh, my God, we agreed again.
- Ohh.
- Aww.
I begged you not to go over there.
I'm so embarrassed.
Why? He's the one crying.
My favorite part was when he was gasping for air between sobs, like a baby.
Look at him.
He's broken.
[SOBBING.]
What if he never writes again? Okay, I'll apologize to the 12 people who still go out and watch plays.
You do know I'm a theater major, right? Yes, and when you're a great play writer and you go to a restaurant if you can afford it then you're gonna be nice to strangers, because that's the right thing to do, okay? Excuse me.
I don't mean to interrupt.
But I saw what happened before, and I'm sorry about that.
But the way you stood up to that jerk Anvilmaker was kind of amazing, yeah.
Good for you.
And young man, listen if this makes you feel any better, - he did the same thing to me.
- Oh.
That's very nice of you to say.
Thank you so much.
So [CLEARS THROAT.]
You know, I, uh I write.
- Oh, boy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
No, it's not like I'm just some, you know, some excuse me some you know, just some city slicker who who doesn't know what he's talking about.
But, uh if I could teach you one thing, just one thing that you learn from this, it'll make your plays sound and look marvelous.
You know? So, the most important thing is to is to know that writing is really re-writing.
You may want to jot that down.
Uh And then change it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Did you see what I did there? You know what? We really need to be somewhere right now.
- Yeah, we better go.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Okay, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hm.
I'm sorry, we didn't realize we were so annoying.
Our bad.
Have fun storming the castle! Nothing.
I'm gonna shave.
Come feel the thrill, thrill, thrill Of Phil, Phil, Phil - The thrill, thrill, thrill - [MONITOR FLATLINES.]
The thrill of Phil - [MONITOR FLATLINES.]
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Could you turn that down, please? - Oh! - Uhh, everybody.
[STARTS SINGING.]
- [EVERYONE SINGS.]
[CLAPS.]
So, I couple of quick thoughts