Seinfeld s09e08 Episode Script

So Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me or what? George, I just got off a 23-hour plane ride.
I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
Fine.
I'll ask you again when you're rested.
I'm sure she'll come around.
Yeah, I hope so, for your sake.
I said, I was sorry.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack.
Would you please stop saying that? - What's up with you two? - I don't wanna talk about it.
So how was the big trip? I don't wanna talk about it.
- Well, what happened to your nose? - I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, you gotta give me something.
Come on, how was the wedding? Was the bride radiant? She was.
Till she found out Elaine slept with the groom.
Oh, that sounds juicy.
Listen, I gotta go to the bathroom, but I wanna hear all about it.
You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time we were India.
I can't believe we went all the way to India for a wedding.
- That's it.
The wedding's off.
- But Sue Ellen Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with my Pinter? No, no.
It was years ago, before you met him.
And I gotta tell you, it was very mechanical.
I have never been so humiliated.
Idiots.
This is all your fault.
- Me? Him.
His fault.
He betrayed me.
- George, I'm sorry.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister.
I don't know what that means.
Nina, you have to decide right now.
Jerry or me.
All right.
Neither.
What? - What are you doing here? - A free trip to India.
And by the way, you can take off those boots.
Everyone knows you're 5'6".
- 5'8".
5'7".
- See? See the way they are? We're still best friends, right? No.
And take that stupid thing out of your nose.
That's got to hurt.
I don't care where you're from.
When is our flight back? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Hi.
What happened last night? - Well, you were pretty loaded.
- I know.
I woke up with this.
Oh, hello, tetanus.
George, I've used the bathroom.
It's fine.
No, no, no.
I can walk it off.
It's 120 degrees in here.
I'll sweat it out.
Hey.
Are those Timberlands painted black? Is your nose pierced? - I should - Yeah.
Sit down.
Hello, Jerry.
I believe you know Nina.
George, we need to talk.
You've done a lot more than talk.
You betrayed me.
All right, I admit it.
I slept with Nina, but that's all.
That's all? That's everything.
I don't know what the rest of it is for, anyway.
I'm really sorry.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister.
- Where'd you get that one? - It's an expression.
Hey.
Look, we are gonna settle this right now.
I demand reparations.
I should get to sleep with Elaine.
It's the only way to punish you.
That doesn't punish me.
It punishes Elaine.
And cruelly, I might add.
Funny guy.
Hey, monkeys.
Knock it off.
My best friend is trying to get married here.
Elaine, you have to sleep with me.
I'm not gonna sleep with you.
Reparations.
Would you grow up, George? What is the difference? Nina slept with him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter.
Nobody cares.
It's all ancient history.
You slept with the groom? Thank you, FDR.
- All right, now we're even, huh? - I stuck a rock in there too.
- I felt that.
- All right.
Okay.
All right, FDR.
This wish is for all the marbles.
You win, you get your wish, I drop dead.
I win, I don't drop dead and I get Forever.
All right.
Man.
Come on.
There's gotta be something that'll change your mind.
Something.
What, you want my kidney? George knows that you slept with Nina.
That's why he was acting so weird.
How did he find out? He schnapped me.
You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret.
- Is there anything else? - I can't tell you.
Here, drink this.
Okay.
I slept with the groom.
- Pinter? - He used to be called Peter.
So who cares about that? Sue Ellen.
If she knew, she'd call off the whole wedding.
Oh, nobody's calling off any weddings.
All right, it's time to go.
Come on.
Up.
- You know what Jerry is in Indian? - No.
What? Jugdish.
- Yes, Jugdish.
- Hey.
What if I got my nose pierced? That would be pretty freaky.
Yes.
I think it's a fine idea.
Well, good night.
Good night, Jugdish.
- Bless you.
- Thank you.
Hello, FDR.
Yeah, I'll have a hot one.
Everything on it.
These things will kill you.
But so what? You're already gonna drop dead.
Well, guess what, FDR? I made a wish on a shooting star last night and I wished against your wish.
That's funny.
As it happens I saw the same shooting star and I double-wished you to drop dead.
Here's your change.
All right, I'm triple-wishing.
Yeah, fair enough.
I'm quadruple-wishing.
All right.
How do you like this? I like it a lot.
Go.
Oh, God, it's so hot.
And what is that smell? I think it's the stench of death.
George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you.
You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you? No.
I'm gonna wear black shoes.
Oh, boy, there's Sue Ellen.
She didn't want me at this wedding.
But here I am with a bunch of my idiot friends.
This is gonna be great.
Elaine? Oh.
Oh, I am so happy to see you.
- You are? - Well, of course.
No one else was even willing to come to India.
I mean, not even Pinter's parents and they're Indian.
Come on, Sue Ellen, you don't wear a bra you're tall.
We hate each other.
Elaine, I know.
I know we've had our problems.
But I want you to be my maid of honor and my best friend.
All right, I guess.
Oh, this is my fiancé.
Pinter, say hello.
Hello.
- Peter.
- Oh, no.
It's Pinter.
Does anyone wanna use the bathroom? Oh, no, no.
We're good.
Let's get going, all right.
Watch it, funny man.
Elaine, do you notice George was acting strange the whole flight? No, what? Like what? Strange? No.
Hey, look what they had on the plane.
Schnapps.
Come on, come on.
Yes.
There's one.
I wish I don't drop dead.
Hey, shut up up there.
- You shut up.
- Drop dead.
Hello, friend.
Enjoying the flight? Coach to India.
The only way to go.
Good one.
Very funny.
You're very funny, Jerry.
That's what I always tell people.
Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy.
- Are you all right? - Of course I'm all right.
I'm here with my girl.
Nina.
And what better way to pass the time than gabbing with my best friend.
With whom there are no secrets.
Like this since fourth grade.
- Didn't I beat you up in fourth grade? Funny guy.
Right here.
By the way you never said anything to George about Jerry and me, did you? Oh, please, it's in the vault.
Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy.
Hey, what time is it? You just asked me two minutes ago.
- Hey, what time is it? - I'm not wearing a watch.
Is this tooth chipped? Yeah.
How'd you do that? I have no idea.
Watch this.
Oh, God.
So Jerry and Nina, huh? I'm not gonna tell you any more things.
You already told me everything.
Okey-dokey.
We had a deal, Newman.
You were supposed to give me your birthday wish.
Now you've wasted it.
Did I? Newman, I'm bored.
- Does your girlfriend have to be here? - Does yours? I'm just hanging out in this hellhole because of George.
Come on, Newman.
You gotta help me.
What am I gonna do about FDR? Why don't you just make another wish? And how am I gonna do that, toots? What about a shooting star? - That's perfect.
- Beauty and brains.
Oh, come on.
You know he's a postman, don't you? - Here's your plane ticket.
- What? Sue Ellen sends me an invitation one week before her wedding in India.
I'll show her.
- By flying half way around the world? - Spite never sleeps.
Especially when you got a layover in Sarajevo.
- Hey.
- Here.
You're going to India tomorrow.
- For how long? - Three days.
Great.
Jerry, I gotta tell you, I had the best time with that Nina last night.
I think I'm in love with her already.
You are a great friend.
A great, great friend.
Kramer.
You wanna borrow something? You wanna eat? - Wanna go to India? - I can't.
I'm gonna drop dead.
Great.
Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this is great.
You and Elaine.
Me and Nina.
Kramer, I'll go with you.
- I'm going to Newman's.
- Great, I love Newman.
Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina? Nina? Nina? Nope.
Not weird.
No.
Nina.
- Why do you keep saying Nina? - I don't know.
Nina.
Nina.
I'm gonna go grab a bite.
I'll meet you down there.
Cereal.
Cereal.
Peach schnapps.
Come on, Lomez.
We're gonna be late for the movie.
You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
I could listen to you talk about mail all day.
Anything you wish.
I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes.
They're meaningless.
Newman.
Lomez, I'm leaving.
Make a wish, Newman.
We've gotta get back to work in three hours.
Newman.
Wait.
Kramer.
I'm with people.
Yeah, yeah.
And thanks for inviting me.
I did invite you.
Your invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.
Look, Newman, I need your wish to protect me from FDR.
No.
I'm on an unbelievable birthday-wish hot streak.
My last five birthday wishes came true.
Come on.
Look, I'll give you my next birthday wish.
Your next 50 wishes.
Forty-eight.
- Forty-nine.
- Done.
- Sucker.
- Sucker.
All right, I'm back, savages, back.
I haven't made my wish yet.
Well, this Mischke mishmash is just getting worse.
I talked to the groom's parents and it is obvious that they don't want me to go.
The reason she sent me an invitation is so I'd send a gift.
- Jerry.
- You know, coffee grinder's nice or a coffee maker.
Everyone likes coffee.
Maybe you should go get Oh, hi.
Hi.
- I should - Sure.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Who else you got back there? There was an awkward moment in the conversation.
Never happened before.
You slept with Nina.
What are you gonna tell George? Nothing.
And neither will you.
George can never know about this.
It'll crush him.
All right, I'll put it in the vault.
No good.
Too many people know the combination.
What combination? Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, my God, this drawer is filled with Froot Loops.
So what? And milk.
Oh, jeez.
Hello? Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Ranawat.
Please.
Call us Usha and Zubin.
- Well, Usha.
- I'm Zubin.
Anyway, your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke You're not going to the wedding, are you? - Well.
- Don't go.
India is a dreadful, dreadful place.
You know, it's the only country that still has the plague.
I mean, the plague.
Please.
Here's the registry.
Send her a gift and be glad you did not have to go.
Right.
Don't go.
Send a gift? I think I understand.
If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip.
That's fantastic.
And I'm not so crazy about Manhattan either.
You were gonna tell me all about George.
When you see him tomorrow night tell him that the waiter liked him.
Really? Believe me.
I forgot how much fun it is hanging out with you.
I know.
You know, we never had a bad conversation.
I know.
No awkward pauses.
Probably the reason we never fooled around.
Yeah.
Probably the reason.
Are you dense? I said, I wanted you to drop dead.
Now, drop dead.
I knew it.
Stupid Jerry.
I know what I'm saying.
No way FDR wants you to drop dead.
- But you have - Just go back and ask him again.
That's right.
My birthday wish was that you drop dead.
Well, why? I have my reasons.
Wait, if you make a birthday wish out loud, it doesn't come true.
That's just a silly superstition.
Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead.
- FDR? - Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski.
I go to his birthday party and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
- Stink eye? - Crook eye? Evil eye.
Everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
Oh, it's a bad day.
Everyone's over.
You're thinking: "These are my friends?" Everyday is my birthday.
Well, I can't have this hanging over my head.
It's bad mojo.
Hi.
You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail.
Invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.
At least the wedding gown will give her some support.
Not the point.
The wedding is in one week.
I got this today.
- So you think it's a non-vite.
- It's an un-vitation.
- Hey, are you getting taller? - Timberlands.
Hey, look at this.
Pinter Ranawat? Wonder if he's related to the guy I dated Peter Ranawat.
It's probably like Smith over there.
- Jerry, would you make the call? - What call? He wants me to set him up with Nina Stengle.
Oh, the great conversation girl.
The one you think can replace me.
I was kidding when I said that.
Told me the same thing.
- Nina, hi, it's Jerry.
- You're sure you never slept with her? - Perfect.
- Hey, how about my friend George quite a guy, huh? Something's not sitting right.
- I'll have the clams casino.
- Get out.
Chef recommends.
- Do you think she likes me? - Sure.
How come nothing ever happened with you and Nina? Is there a problem with her? Is she a man? Are you? Then what's the reason? We were too compatible.
Our conversations were so engrossing.
- How engrossing? - lf we had a problem with Elaine we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.
You don't have a replacement lined up for me, do you? Like I was saying I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex.
There were no awkward pauses.
I need an awkward pause.
I'm all awkward pauses.
Fix me up with her.
Well, wait a minute.
Nina just saw me in my Timberlands.
I have to wear them every time I see her.
- Why? - In any other shoe, I lose 2 inches.
I can't have a drop-down.
We're eye to eye.
I can't go eye to chin.
So you're gonna wear them no matter what? In every situation.
No matter how silly I look.
- Tastes a little funky.
- I'm sure it's fine.
Go on, make a wish, make a wish.
This is the kind of day that almost makes you feel good to be alive.
- New Timberlands? - Yeah, and a whole new me.
- I'm up 2 inches on these babies.
- Really? - Jerry.
- Nina.
- Hi.
- It's been years.
- Yeah.
- George, this is Nina.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
India? Yeah, right.
I'm going to India.
And they call it the World Wide Web.
You can e-mail anyone.
What are you, a scientist? Gotta go.
- It was great talking.
- Great talking to you.
What the hell is e-mail? - How was the date? - Pretty good.
I think she might be the one.
- Oh, French fries.
- George.
Baked potato.
Sorry.
Yeah, you stuff your sorries in a sack, mister.
Oh, hey, hey.
Yeah.
Check it out.
Man, it's packing tight.
Why are you bringing snowballs in here? I need some water.
Ice it up, nice and hard.
Then when you throw it: Oh, look, there's my friend FDR.
I'm gonna nail him in the back of the head.
It's gonna be great.
- Hi, Elaine.
- Hey.
Let's go someplace else.
Okay, Peter? Hey, how you doing? Oh, hi.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
I'm moving in.
Saw your name on the buzzer.
You must be Kessler.
No, actually, it's Kramer.
- You need any help or? - No, thanks.
I ordered a pizza, you want some? No, no, no.
I couldn't impose.
Why not? We're neighbors.
What's mine is yours.
Really? Good night, Jugdish.