Frasier s09e09 Episode Script

Well, I'll have to run this by the station manager, of course, but barring any unforeseen circumstances, I believe the internship will be yours.
That would be wonderful.
But just meeting the preeminent radio psychologist of this era has been a most thrilling experience.
Well [FRASIER CHUCKLES.]
So, Roz, what do you think? I think he's a pretentious, arrogant toady.
I love him too.
Ha, ha.
Just think of it, Roz.
A triple major at Harvard University.
Why, he even plays the samisen.
Oh, come on, Roz, the samisen.
It's a Japanese guitar-like instrument whose strings are plucked with a spatula.
Hmm? I can hardly wait for the intern talent show.
Oh, I'm so excited, Roz.
At last I'll have a superior mind I can mould.
Speaking of mould, what is he doing here? Are you still tutoring him? Oh, God forbid.
Kirby.
- Hey, Dr.
Crane.
- Hello.
Ha, ha.
- Hello, Roz.
- Hi, Kirby.
What have you been doing since I took you to my prom? Mostly showering.
So, what brings you here, Kirby, hmm? I heard your station's looking for an intern.
Radio station's looking for an intern, you say? Uh I was hoping you could hook me up.
Just think, with me working here, we'll be together, like, 24/7, five days a week.
Okay.
I was hoping you could go over my résumé.
Oh, well, uh, all right, Kirby.
Uh, although I must tell you that the station manager has final say in these matters.
I fudged a little bit on my job history.
So you never actually worked at NASA.
Or Burger King.
Heh.
Hey, doc.
Oh, is this one of the intern candidates? - Uh, well - Kenny Daly.
I'm the station manager.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm so stoked to get this job.
Oh, I like that in a candidate, doc.
He looks hungry.
That's amazing, dude, because I am kind of hungry.
KENNY: There's a vending machine right out there.
Hey, I love this guy.
He's a breath of fresh air.
Not like all these lvy League snobs you've been prancing around all day.
You're not really thinking of hiring Kirby, are you? Of course not, Roz.
I've got my heart set on Lucius.
- Me too.
He plays the samisen.
- Yes, all right.
Uh, Kirby, uh Listen, I'm terribly sorry about what just happened, um What? [FRASIER SIGHS.]
You see, whenever Kenny sends someone out to the candy machine, it's a signal that that person won't be around anymore.
We call it the Hershey's kiss-off.
Man.
I really want to get this job so I can move in with Squoojy and Fat Tyler.
You know, live like an adult for once in my life.
Yes, well, I am terribly sorry.
It's not your fault.
You did everything you could.
Well Yes, l You know, I tell you what.
Um, I will keep my ears open for any opportunities, all right? That would be great.
Something in law enforcement would be awesome.
Yes, well, that shouldn't be too difficult considering you were trained by the FBO.
[VELCRO TEARING.]
- Leave it, old man.
- Oh.
It's bugging me.
I do not have high blood pressure, and it looks ridiculous.
I think it looks handsome.
Like those armbands gladiators wore, only inflatable.
- Ah, Daphne, Dad.
MARTIN: Hey, Fras.
- Say, how was the doctor's? - It stunk.
Mr.
Crane's pressure read a little high, so Dr.
Stewart insisted he wear this monitor for 48 hours.
- My, that's troubling.
DAPHNE: Don't worry.
It's just a precaution.
It takes his pressure at random intervals, and sends the information to a computer in the doctor's office.
FRASIER: Oh.
- Very clever.
It's not clever.
It's an invasion of my privacy.
Plus, they got me on that damn Heart Smart diet.
Two days of salt and fat gone.
[SNAPS.]
You don't get that back.
Well, stay calm or you'll be on it forever.
Well, how can I stay calm? Just sitting here expecting this thing to go off any second.
I'm afraid to move.
It's like I'm a prisoner.
That's just like doctors, isn't it? They're always finding some new way to torture you.
Well, maybe I want my blood pressure high.
They ever think about that? I mean [MONITOR BEEPS THEN DRONING.]
There it goes.
You sneaky bastard.
Uh, Dad, you know, here's a suggestion, if I may.
Um The next time you feel yourself getting annoyed, take a deep breath, and then picture your anger as a red balloon, drifting higher and higher above the clouds till it disappears.
And that'll get me back on nachos? - Well, I better get ready for work.
- Right.
Did you get my shirt back from the cleaners? It's in your room.
I laundered it myself.
No sense paying for dry-cleaning a work shirt.
Well, yes, there is.
I told you, they make us buy them ourselves.
And they cost a lot of money, you know.
Then I have to go all the way down to the uniform supply house.
You can't park there because of the construction going [MONITOR BEEPS THEN DRONING.]
No, no, no! No, wait, wait, wait! Damn it all to hell! Oh, you have some messages, Dr.
Crane.
A Kirby called at 4:00, then again at 4:20 and 4:45.
It was upsetting your father.
I turned the ringer off.
Oh, dear.
I promised him I'd help him find a job.
There's so few for which he's qualified.
And with the proliferation of self-serve gas stations, I'm afraid that narrows the field even further.
Why is it your responsibility to help him? Well, truth is, I really didn't do all I could to help him get a job at the radio station.
Poor Kirby.
You know, maybe I should just turn the ringer back on.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Maybe after dinner.
- Hello.
Hey, Daphne.
- Oh, Niles.
I'll get my things.
Be just a minute.
Oh, uh, care for a quick sherry before you go? Well, thank you.
So how was your weekend? - Fine, and yours? - Good.
You know, something curious did happen though.
I was in the cheese shop and I ran into Reynolds.
He told me that he saw several bottles of Château Haut Brion '61 at your place.
I wasn't aware that you had the Brion '61.
Really? Didn't I tell you? I stumbled across a case.
Really? That's wonderful news, Niles.
It's virtually unattainable.
So how much do I owe you for my half? Ha, ha.
That's very funny.
Reynolds made that same joke.
Niles, we had a deal.
Whenever I've found a case of rare wine, I've offered you half.
I understood our deal only applied to vintages post-1965.
That wasn't part of the agreement.
Well, I'll have to re-read it.
It was oral.
Oh, pity.
This is outrageous.
I can't believe you're cutting me out like this.
I'm sorry.
I try to be an ethical person but wine is my weakness, and this is really too good to share.
I see.
- I will find a way to make it up to you.
- Why don't you just sell me my half? I said, I'll find a way to make it up to you.
- No, you have my word.
- Really? Your oral agreements aren't worth the air into which they are uttered.
- Are we ready to go? - Yeah.
Look, Daphne, I was, uh I was thinking rather than go to another boring movie, why don't we go back to my place, and kick off our shoes, and, uh, rearrange my library? Are you still doing that? You said you'd be finished by now.
Yes, he says a lot of things.
It's a bigger project than I'd anticipated.
- Can't you hire someone to help you? - Let someone else touch my books? Where will I find someone with your unimpeachable fastidiousness? - Fastidious, you say? NILES: Mm-hm.
You know, Niles, I believe I know just the lad that can help you.
Kirby Gardner.
Isn't he that boy who's been calling? Yes, yes, he's very persistent, one of his many fine attributes.
And, you know, I wanted to hire him myself, but there was nothing available for him at the station.
I don't know.
My books are the one thing I'm fussy about.
Oh, please, Niles.
It would give us more time together.
- Well, if you put it that way.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Wait.
If I hire this protégé of yours, will that make us even on the wine? Niles, you are too crafty for me.
All right, yes, very well.
That will make us even.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Have a good night, you two.
- Thank you.
[FRASIER CHUCKLES.]
NILES: How's it going, Kirby? Hope you're not getting lost in the 17th Oh, look.
Kirby! Kirby! Hey, Dr.
Crane.
What are you doing? You're eating in my library.
You're ruining my books.
Relax, bro.
I'm wearing the gloves.
Kirby! Come down here.
No, no, bring your can.
Sit down.
Kirby, this is completely unacceptable.
L I just cannot allow this.
- Whoa.
Are you gonna fire me? - Wha? I know that you have good intentions, but I'm afraid [PHONE RINGING.]
Excuse me.
Hello.
It's for you.
Could you find out who it is? Who's calling, please? It's Kristi Mulvehill.
Tell her I'll call her back.
He'll call you back.
Kirby, your friend Kristi, she's not related to William Mulvehill? Yeah, that's her grandfather.
It's so weird how all you old dudes all know each other.
Well, I don't actually know him.
Just know of him, and his wine collection.
Wine collection.
It's famous among the old dudes.
Legendary, except he's so reclusive no one gets to see it.
Frasier and I have tried everything but sealing ourselves in casks and rolling in.
Really? I go there a lot.
You've been to the Mulvehill wine cellar? Have you seen the bottle that was owned by Thomas Jefferson? Well, I'm usually with Kristi, so, uh, I'm looking at the jugs, not the bottles, if you know what I mean.
Oh, I do.
Ha, ha.
You know, ahem, it would be a thrill for a connoisseur like me to meet William Mulvehill.
Do you think you could get me in? I bet Kristi could.
Well, let's just get her on the phone and ask her, shall we? Well, I would, but if I were unemployed, I'd just be too depressed to talk to her.
Oh, unemployed, what are you talking about? That was just a few harsh words spoken in a moment of haste.
The library isn't challenging enough for you.
We'll find something more suited to your particular talents.
Here's the phone.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
That'll be Frasier.
Um Why don't you call from the kitchen? Whoa.
- Do they all do that? - No! No! FRASIER: Niles.
- I'll be right there.
Are you ready to? Oh, dear.
- Is this Kirby's work? - Mm-hm.
- Niles, I owe you an apology.
- No, no.
I understand.
- I had it coming.
We're even.
- Let me help you clean up.
No, don't be silly.
I will be through this in a trice.
Just you scoot.
- Nonsense.
Let me help.
- No.
No, really, please.
- Niles, let me do - No.
- Please.
- Oh, hi.
Grampy Mulvehill says only one person can go into the wine cellar.
Grampy Mulvehill? As in William Mulvehill? I told you.
Old dudes, they all know each other.
FRASIER: I knew something was up.
You weren't going to tell me about Mulvehill, were you? I'm sorry.
- I have le vin fou.
- Don't hand me that! That is just a flimsy excuse for your outrageous selfishness.
And what's worse, is you're actually using that boy.
Oh.
Well, you used him to get back at me.
Yes, well, as you said, it made us even.
I said that to get you out of here.
Look at my library! I hope you're happy! I didn't think it would be this bad.
I thought the boy could at least put a book on a shelf! I can hear you fighting about me from down the hall.
- You're right, I don't deserve a job.
- That's not true.
It is.
Forget it.
I'm a hopeless screw-up just like my priest said.
Kirby! Wait! [DOOR CLOSES.]
What happened? What have we done? Well Isn't it obvious, Niles? You've hurt his feelings.
You know, I have a special relationship with Kirby.
Maybe I'll just take him out to dinner, smooth things over.
Well, I'm perfectly capable of making my own apologies.
I'll take him out to dinner.
Well, you know, on second thought, I actually did say some rather hurtful things myself.
I think it's incumbent upon both of us to help repair his damaged self-esteem together.
Very well.
We'll be two trained therapists working in tandem.
Yes.
To repair the wounded innocent.
Yes.
Yes, that's very high-minded of you, Niles.
Yes.
You too, Frasier.
You know, this is an utterly altruistic act, isn't it? Utterly as it gets.
I think we're of the same mind.
Oh, I think so too.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Where have you been? I'm starving.
Sorry, I was walking Eddie.
Haven't even been to the market yet.
Oh, Daph, it's almost 6:00.
How many times do I have to? Red balloon.
It's all right.
Well, good for you.
And I'll nip out to the market now.
No, don't bother.
Let's just open a can of soup.
FRASIER: Well, I'm off.
- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thank you.
You took the batteries out of my remote.
Gosh, I'm sorry, Dad.
I needed them for my foot spa.
And you had to take them out of the one thing I need batteries for in this house? God forbid your royal feet go without eucalyptus Dad.
That's all right.
There's gotta be some other way to switch the channels.
DAPHNE: Bye.
Well, I'll go and open that can of soup.
Oh, would you turn the game on? Sports? Hmm, might be a bit too exciting.
Why don't we just watch a nice, soothing movie? - Like what? - How about Message in a Bottle? Is that one of those movies that takes and then you're sorry it did? If you don't like that, we could watch To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday.
- You pick.
- Yes.
- Niles.
- Well, imagine my surprise seeing the two of you here, when the three of us have reservations for dinner at Le Cigare Volant in half an hour.
Hi, Dr.
Crane.
Dr.
Crane invited me here for a before-dinner cocoa.
Isn't that nice? Frasier, may I have a word? Yes, of course, Niles.
Kirby, we'll be right back.
All right.
Now, before you get started, I brought the boy here in order to ease him into this.
I was afraid that the sight of us might bring up some unpleasant memories.
I see.
So this has nothing to do with you trying to get into Grampy Mulvehill's wine cellar instead of me? The fact that you even said that speaks volumes about you.
Let's get back before the boy starts to think we're talking about him.
We're back now.
Kirby, I just want to tell you how sorry I am for both Frasier and my behaviour earlier.
It's no problem.
I forgave you as soon as I got that DVD player you sent me.
Niles, may I see you for a moment? - DVD player? - Okay.
You caught me in a selfish moment.
I was trying to assuage my guilt for the way I treated him.
You weren't trying to buy loyalty so you could benefit from your connection, reviving your woefully flagging reputation in the wine community? I categorically deny that.
So you did it just to burn me? - I deny that.
- But not categorically.
Frasier, do I have to remind you that this is not about us, it's about Kirby, whom we've abandoned in order to have this petty spat.
FRASIER: We're back again.
So, Kirby, where were we? You were asking me about Grampy's wine cellar.
- Frasier? - Not now, Niles.
Fine.
I was going to leave this till later, but Kirby, I saw these, and I thought of you.
No way! Thirteens.
How'd you know my size? Oh, I measured the footprint you left in doughnut powder on my floor, you rascal.
These are awesome.
Aren't they, Dr.
Crane? Oh, yes, indeed they are, Kirby.
You know, you're going to need some togs to go with them.
I have an account at Bidwells.
What do you say I call them and set you up? Wow, thanks.
I never had togs before.
You guys are so great, the way you keep trying to build up my self-esteem and all.
I wish there was some way I could take you both to the wine cellar.
But I can't.
- Niles.
- Frasier.
Do you believe the nerve of this boy, pitting us against each other? We're not going to be manipulated.
We certainly aren't.
All right, let's put a stop to it right now.
All right, I'm afraid your little game is up.
- And I wanna tell you something else - A hundred dollars.
- Two hundred dollars.
- Three hundred dollars.
Five hundred dollars! - Kirby, have you ever been to Vegas? FRASIER: He can't go to Vegas.
He'll be too busy interning at the radio station.
No way.
I got the job? Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
You just got yourself a wine tour.
Well, and thank you, Kirby.
Ha, ha! This is so awesome.
And I promise I will not let you down.
I'm gonna soak up as much as I can from you.
I'm gonna be like your shadow.
You and me, Dr.
Crane.
From now on.
You know, we should probably car pool to work.
- Niles, could I see you for a moment? - No.
Isn't this the most romantic thing you've ever seen? If you say so.
There's no greater passion than that between a woman and a ghost.
[SNIFFS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
I'll get it.
Hello? Oh, uh, yeah? Really? I don't have to wear it anymore? That's great.
Yeah, thanks, Dr.
Stewart.
- Who was that? - Dr.
Stewart.
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
Hmm, I suppose you'll want me to put the game on then.
Well, uh, actually, he said there was a bit of a foul-up with the computer, and, uh, maybe I should wear it for a couple more hours.
Well, that's too bad.
Do you want me to rewind? If you're gonna keep talking! [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]