King of the Hill s09e09 Episode Script

HANK: Okay, settle down, boosters.
Boys, we could go all the way this year.
Texas High School Coaches Poll has voted us preseason number one.
( cheering ) Yep, this is the year, I'll tell you what, but as boosters, we've got to do our part.
I've got it! A pancake sale, where we get our wives to serve pancakes topless.
Not yours, Hank.
Well, here's something that'll help.
Finish what you're chewing, boys.
I got big news.
Jimmy Willis is available.
The groundskeeper at SMU? A skilled groundskeeper can give us a home field advantage.
We're going to state! ( cheering ) Yeah, we're going to state! State! State! State! Wait just a second.
What about Smitty? He's been our groundskeeper as long as I can remember.
Oh, Hank, Smitty's getting up there in years.
Heck, a lot of folks think he's just coasting till he gets his pension.
Yeah.
You seen the horns on the end zone Longhorn lately? They ain't as pointy as they used to be.
Thing looks like a got-danged cow! ( murmurs of agreement ) It does have a cow-like quality.
A thought: just supposing we fire this Smitty.
What would happen to his pension money? Could it be diverted into, say, a new Nautilus machine? And if not, why not? Yeah, I agree with that Now hold on.
You can't cheat Smitty out of his pension.
It's not right-- he's been taking good care of that field for 28 years.
He lost two wives to that grass, and now you want to take it away from him? Smitty can do the job.
I guarantee it.
Hank says championship's a lock! ( cheering ) State! State! State! State! Looking for someone, bud? Well, I was looking for you, Smitty.
I'm Hank Hill.
I used to play here.
Oh, sure, Hank Hill.
You hold Arlen High's single-season rushing record, don't ya? Yep.
I ran nearly every foot of it on your turf.
( chuckles ): Sure.
Sure.
You can't run on dirt, you know? True enough.
But you can sleep on it.
Huh.
Uh you do know what you're doing, Smitty, right? You bet.
That's exactly what I was hoping to hear, sir.
It's gonna be a heck of a season.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next: History's Mysteries with "Nazi Hidden Gold," followed by "Building the Nazi War Machine" and "Nazis of the Desert, Nazis of the Sea.
" Wow, the Nazis did a lot.
( men whooping outside ) Come on, Kahn.
Ain't we still your boys? Get on out here and rally with us.
( scoffs ): I thought Kahn got rid of those damn rednecks.
Show him your high beams, Lucky.
( whooping, laughing ) Those rednecks! KAHN ( shouting ): Yeah! That redneck thing was really more of a phase! Please go away now! You had to send him a Christmas card.
Thanks for leaving! We ain't going nowhere till you check out Lucky's new truck.
Yeah, Kahn.
Got me new rims and everything out of my settlement money.
We gon' go muddin', then skiddin'.
Stupid rednecks! We can't hear ourselves watch TV.
Aw, look at you, baby girl.
You like my rims.
They're very nice rims.
I Yes.
You think they look good standing still, wait till you see 'em doing 90.
There are some boys race trucks up at the Devil's Bowl, and I'm gonna take it to 'em.
You race trucks? Isn't that dangerous? Can be, but being a self-made man, I don't need to work no more.
I got to do something with my time.
You're a self-made man? Yep.
Slipped on pee-pee at the Costco.
Got me a $53,000 settlement.
I like the way your Skoal can fits in your pocket.
And your teeth look like fresh corn.
Damn.
That Lucky is chick stink bait.
( quietly ): Walk away from the redneck.
Walk away from the redneck.
( Luanne laughing ) Oh, no.
HANK: Friday night, the big test.
Season opener against Rushford.
Crush Rushford! That's the spirit, Bobby.
I can't take sole credit.
They taught it to us all week at school.
LUCKY ( over loudspeakers ): Attention: ( engine revving ) Will the pretty lady in the house please come outside and make my day? That's Lucky! He's taking me to watch him race his truck! I get to wave a flag and wear tiny pants! Uh-uh.
I'm sorry, Luanne, but I cannot allow you to go out there.
Why not? Is my makeup smeary? No.
Luanne, you have a weakness for a certain type of man.
You are drawn magnetically back to the trailer, back to the sticky ooze you escaped from.
You have come too far to give in now.
You cannot date this man! ( doorbell ringing repeatedly ) ( sighs ): I'll get it.
Name's Lucky.
Looking for Luanne.
Hey, beautiful.
Hi.
Want to know why they call me Lucky? No.
We'll see you later.
Don't wait up.
Oh, God.
Crush Rushford.
Thank you, Bobby.
You're a good son.
( "Star-Spangled Banner" concludes ) Let the championship season begin! ( air horn blares ) Here we go.
( crowd cheering ) ( blows whistle ) What the? Good Lord, what the heck happened to the field? Hank, what did your boy Smitty do to the field? Oh, no.
Smitty.
( snoring ) On inspection, this field is unfit for play.
According to the athletic charter, the home team is responsible for the maintenance of the field, therefore Arlen forfeits the game.
( crowd booing ) Peggy, get the boy and let's head for the truck before everyone sees us.
There he is! ( booing continues ) ( Hank shudders ) No root system at all.
( yawning ) Oh, hi, Hank.
Sir, with all due respect, what happened? Yeah, I know.
It's a lot to do.
You got the hash marks and the center field marks-- what is it, the thing with the tube? My kid's in rehab again.
Tommy-- you met him.
Yeah.
Uh, look, Smitty, this is the kind of thing that could cost us our whole season.
Not to mention costing a guy his job, his pension You bet.
Hey, Hank, that reminds me of a thing from a long time ago.
I forget.
( chuckles ): You'll get a kick ( starts snoring ) So, he likes to sleep, does he? I can give him sleep in so many ways.
Look, Smitty may have screwed up, but he's a good man, and he's done a good job for 28 of the last 29 years.
We can't let him lose his pension.
But we can't let him lose any more games for us either.
Well, we've got an away game coming up.
That gives us some time.
There's got to be some way to save this field and still save Smitty's job.
Yeah, man, just dang ol' how, man? Well, we're all pretty experienced when it comes to maintaining our own lawns.
We just need to treat this field like it's a really big lawn.
All right! We'll need really big lawnmowers and really big beers.
Okay, two teams.
Lead man de-compacts the roots, follow-man fertigates.
Now, let's roll out.
( giggling ) I feel like I'm cheating on my lawn.
( chittering ) ( thunder crashing ) HANK: It's been a hard week, but the grass is healthy, the horns are pointy.
Good work, gentlemen.
If this field could talk, I bet it would say "Thanks for watering me, Bill.
"I was very thirsty.
So, handsome, got any plans Friday night?" Evenin', boys.
Anybody interested in a race? ( laughing ) In what? You hauling a real truck behind that little candy truck? What you sayin' about my truck? Well, that shiny bumper looks like it belongs on Barbie's Dream Truck.
( laughter ) Y'all shut up! This truck is beautiful.
I call it Pretty-Pretty Truck-Truck! ( guys laughing ) I can't race, and I don't have to work.
What am I gonna do with myself? We could go buy some more chrome.
Thanks, baby.
But chrome is the reason I'm sitting here and not racing.
Sometimes the world is cruel to shiny things.
HEAD COACH: What have we got here? Hmm I was all set to hand you your head today, Smitty, but it looks like this turf is back on track.
Yeah? Track? Oh, sure, sure.
Yeah, great job, Smitty.
Who the heck but you would have thought of tweaking the pH balance to give it a healthy shine? Hooray for Smitty.
Or should I say "The Wizard of Sod"? Way to go! Dang ol' Wiz, man! Yeah, nice work, Smitty.
But we've got a big game against Killeen, so you better keep it up.
Well, Coach, we'll let you get down to business.
"Kill Killeen.
" Kill Killeen! Kill Killeen! DALE: Kill Killeen! Yep.
Yup.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Who's gonna dare me to kill that bird? Yeah.
Well, it's gonna be a long season, and Smitty still needs our help.
Yeah, plus Killeen's got that running back who's pretty much unstoppable.
Unless Wait, can you give someone polio? No, but what we could do is fine-tune the field a little bit to our advantage.
Within regulation.
You mean to slow him down a bit.
Yes, exactly.
Guess it's just you and me, bird.
ANNOUNCER: That's the ball game.
Final score, Arlen, 27, Killeen, 10.
Great game, Coach.
Sure looked like Killeen's running back had trouble getting around the end, eh, Smitty? Eh? Ah, you bet.
Kind of looked to me like the grass was a little thicker near the sidelines.
Well, got dang it, Smitty, that was brilliant.
Yeah? The Wizard of Sod! Well, Wizard, I hope you got a trick up your sleeve to stop Duncanville's hotshot kicker next week.
See you tonight, guys.
We got a kicker to stop.
- ( blowing whistle ) - Arlen wins.
Next stop, division play-offs.
MAN: Smitty, I've never seen a kicker shank so many field goals.
How do you do it? So, I think to myself, "Grass'll do the trick.
" So, that's what I did.
ALL: Mm-hmm.
Wizard, words don't describe.
Smitty, you and your enchanted lawnmower must help us in our critical game against Denton.
Your thoughts? I don't think the Wizard's gonna want to give up his secrets that easy.
Butt out, blockhead.
The Wizard's talking here.
People think dandelions are pretty.
But they're a weed, you know.
( chuckling ) ( clicking tongue ) ( all laughing ) Ma'am.
Luanne home? Luanne works, Lucky, as do I on many days.
Now, I am warning you, you stay away from Luanne.
( Luanne squealing ) Lucky! I took off work early today! Aren't you gonna honk me a kiss? ( horn blast ) ( honks horn ) ( honking back and forth continues ) Let me out.
No.
Not until you listen to some sense.
Lucky is not the kind of man Aunt Peggy, Lucky says if we were both in lockup, I could probably take you.
But I don't want to do that, because we're family.
( honking resumes ) ( groaning ) ( Chad on radio ): So, Sports Jock, we've got a very special guest today: Arlen High's secret ticket to State, the Wizard of Sod, Smitty.
SPORTS JOCK: State is in sight, but, Wizard, Denton leads the division in rushing and sacks.
You see any way to, uh, "even the playing field," so to speak? SMITTY: Don't ask stupid questions.
Look who you're talking to here.
For Denton, I'm thinking water.
And sticky paint.
They ain't gonna see that comin'.
The Wizard has spoken.
Is it just because I've been up all night doing Smitty's job that I'm starting to dislike him? Smitty's one interview away from a pencil to the ear drum.
Hank, can we tell everybody we did it? No.
Look, Smitty's ego may be getting a little too big, but he still deserves to retire with dignity.
Now we need to knuckle down and find a way to stop Denton.
( panting ) Hank, this is hard! And Bill's not carrying my share of the load! Hang in there, guys, and we'll have championship seat cushions to cherish for the rest of our lives.
Thanks for the lift, fellas.
It was on our way, Wizard.
Anything to help you take us to State.
Hey, they're on my field! Hank Hill-- why you wrecking my field, boy? Sir, with all due respect, we've only been helping out with some basic "Basic"? I've done this for 30 years, son! I'm the Wizard, the ticket to State! You don't tell me, I tell you! Now get off my got-dang grass! Yeah, I see it now.
What we need this week is longer grass.
And I'm gonna triple-pump her with ammonium nitrate, make it grow fast.
Show you boys how it's done.
No! Too much nitrate'll fry the root system.
The whole field'll die.
And with it the championship! My self-esteem is tied to this season! You must be stopped! Sam, get these crooks off of my grass.
You can't do this! Let's not have this escalate.
Move along, sir.
Now, what else does the Wizard have up his sleeve? I've got it-- rock salt! Rock salt?! SMITTY: And plenty of it! Noooo! Looks like fine weather Friday night for Arlen's big victory, and then it's off to State.
Here's hoping.
Death to Denton, sugs! ( phone rings ) Death to Denton.
I'll get her.
My people do not wish death to the people of Denton, but a crushing defeat would be just swell.
Oh, God, I can just imagine what Smitty is doing to that field right now.
It's not fair we're going to have to forfeit.
How come McMaynerbury didn't have to forfeit last year when their field was flooded? That was because of rain.
Article 14 says acts of God and vandalism are deemed to be outside the control of the home team.
No.
We can't let this happen.
The team's come this far, and we're not going to let 'em down.
( sighs ): We're too late.
This is even worse than the first game.
There goes our season.
Look at this.
I think he actually nailed the sod down.
( defeated sighs ) Uh, Bobby, looks like I'm free this Friday if you want to see that Hilary Duff movie.
The Princess and the Poor Girl? All right! Hank, I can't stand it any longer.
We have to do something about Lucky and Luanne.
Tonight, they are out on a date in our driveway.
He's been in twice already to use our bathroom, and both times, he challenged me to race his truck.
Peggy, there's nothing I can do This is your problem too, Hank.
On my way in, I saw a very large truck tire mark on your lawn.
What?! Got-dang it, Lucky! Yeah, tell me 'bout it.
These treads are hell on grass.
( laughs ): So, Lucky, looks like you've got a pretty fast truck there.
It is fast, not that anyone would know it.
Well, I know it.
And what good does that do me? The boys down at the Devil's Bowl won't let Lucky race his shiny truck at their track.
No, sirree.
Well, maybe you should race 'em someplace else.
I know a good place.
But how am I supposed to get 'em to come? They think I ain't got jack under the hood.
And, uh, you're just going to sit here and take that? You ever think that maybe they're the ones who ain't got jack under the hood? What'd you say, boy? I'm just sayin' none of y'all got jack under the hood.
Well, y'all have a pleasant evening.
REDNECK: Got-dang that sumbitch! I'll show him who ain't got jack! Get him! Whoo-hoo! ( rumbling roar approaching ) Hmm.
You hear something, Phil? ( screaming ) ( sirens blaring ) LUANNE: Whoo! You show 'em, Lucky! You go! Whoo-hoo! Lucky's just earned himself a booster jacket, even if he does cut the sleeves off.
Oh, great.
Now he's a freaking hero.
I mean, I-I just couldn't believe it.
The whole thing was so crazy.
All these rednecks just kept chasing this one redneck around.
It was like something out of a video game.
Well, it's vandalism, all right.
No question.
The home team is not liable.
The game can proceed, but at a neutral site to be determined.
( sighs of relief ) Boy, I just think it's a shame someone would do this to Smitty's masterwork after all he's given this town.
Huh? Yeah, well, there's going to be a big bonus to your pension, Smitty.
I'll see to it.
That's great.
Now I can finally go to that place.
Wh-Wh-What's it called? The flat one.
Oh, I can't wait.
There goes the greatest groundskeeper this team will ever see.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, let's get him back.
( grunts ) So, man, what'd you get? I got me 400 hours of damn community service is what I got, and a fine.
But I still got me a $18,000 settlement, by God.
Won't have to work another day in my life.
Damn.
( horn honks ) Lucky, Arlen beat Denton! We're going to State! I love you! ( horn honks ) And plus I got me some of that.
Damn.
LUCKY: Sometimes the world is cruel to shiny things.