Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s09e09 Episode Script

Edith! You mustn't lift things like that, Edith! How nice of you, Seymour! I'll make you a waste disposer to CRUSH and FLUSH your rubbish.
He's the brains of the family is our Seymour.
Always so VERY busy! Ohvery pleasant out here.
I've always had an affinity for the countryside the countryman's feeling for living things.
Ferrets.
Wellyes, if you insist.
I was speaking generally of all the marvellous works of Mother Nature.
Nora Batty.
THAT one hadn't crossed my mind.
She's always crossing mine! As minds go, it's not a long way to cross, is it? Oh, GO back to sleep, Noddy.
I'm not asleep.
The mind is ALWAYS active I know what you mean.
You come up here - to get away from it all.
To be at peace with the world.
You chew on a blade of grass and the mind ranges freely over such questions as I wonder what that little black bit was I've just eaten? Ah.
Bit of dirt never hurt thee.
And he should know.
Ha ha (!) They say we've got to eat a pinch before we die.
That's true, Norm.
But you feel you OUGHT to know the time-scale between the eating the dying.
If it's only 30 seconds it puts a whole new complexion on things.
I used to take the boys in my school out into the country.
Every chance we got.
They used to LOVE it.
"Take us out, sir," they used to plead.
And not because it was so damned cold in their classrooms.
To them I was a sort of academic Davy Crockett.
"You know SO much, sir," they used to say, in their shivering touching little voices.
"You have so much respect and care for ALL God's living creatures.
" YA-A-A-H !! Hey, Normlook at this! Woo hoo! There's a well-built lass! I'll wait outside.
She's not on the STAFF.
She's only a picture! Oh, what's she selling? You can SEE what she's selling.
Industrial cleaning equipment.
Oh, I DO like her equipment.
It was an old bat with a pail in my day.
Right, try not to embarrass me! How? Tha gets embarrassed so quick! What are they making for thee? A special job, to my own design.
They're specialist engineers.
I wonder if they could mend my reading glasses? Ah! TUNELESS WHISTLING Ah! Hello! I say I say Tha made a great impression on him! Oh, just an underling.
He looked very tall for an underling.
More like an overling.
They know me here.
I'm a valued customer.
Her hair keeps coming off! I keep asking my missus to keep her out of my chair! "She's YOUR mother.
Let her sit in YOUR chair!" I say Mind your back! I'm waiting.
Yes.
Right in the way! There's no-one here! You want Malcolm.
Then TELL Malcolm! Is it any wonder the Humber Bridge was such a marvel of British running over budget ?! You have to PAY to go over.
Fancy the planners having the confidence to believe that people would PAY to go to Lincolnshire.
Maybe they're paying to get OUT.
No point in pressing that.
It's on the blink.
Are you Malcolm? That is NOT a nice thing to say to anybody! MALCOLM !! GET YOUR BUTT IN 'ERE ! What do you want? Sorry if we've dragged you out of charm school (!) Careful! He'll put you in detention! I understand this is ready.
I've called for THIS.
He could have done with a few detentions.
I must get Nora Batty to keep me in detention.
I'd sooner have the stick.
You've got no soul, Norman.
It's a special item I've had made.
Oh! Special Items.
You want Wilf! No wonder your bell doesn't work! Nearly there.
Within a Wilf.
Tha's nearly cracked it, lad.
I'm alright.
I'm quite calm.
A headmaster has to learn to smile even when Hanging by a thread! Never going to work, was it? I won't let them mend my reading glasses.
Wouldn't let 'em mend my trousers.
I'd let ANYONE mend your trousers! Are you, erSURE about this? Different, isn't it? That it is.
Now I hope my innovations won't be copied.
I can safely promise you that.
Nobody's going to copy THIS ! Good! You've got too much motor! I like a good reserve of POWER ! Takevery good careof this.
Hey up! FAR too much motor! You just wait and see! Come along! You see how worried the man was about "too much motor" ?! They're all like that.
Good sound craftsmen, but they don't understand the creative mind.
You want to watch things like the creative mind.
Remember the Gillespies of Watson Street? Vaguely.
Their Wallace had a creative mind.
Fell among window-dressers.
Made it his career.
Was last seen in Manchester wearing a bow tie.
It was very sad.
Bow tie? That's right.
Wally Gillespie? Correct.
Terrible shame that.
It was their Arnold I felt sorry for.
Why? It fell to him as the eldest to break it to his mother that their Wally was wearing a bow tie.
She never smiled again.
Well, you wouldn't, would you? Mind you, she never smiled much before either.
A mother's instinct.
Maybe she had a premonition.
About her son wearing a bow tie? A mother always fears these things.
What nonse Me mam was a worrier.
She worried your father.
He wasn't around long.
She used to look at me through the smoke from her Woodbine and warn me to be careful about me back.
And I promised her.
You're just bone idle! But on prescription! It's me back.
You don't WANT to help me? Carrying things? It's not very interesting.
You just so remind me of someone BORN for carrying things.
Listen, tutti-frutti, I'm NOT !! You're right.
I shouldn't assume things like that.
I should be prepared to share the simpler work more.
You carry it for a bit, Clegg! A specially-designed waste disposer.
So appropriate of our Seymour! Good old Seymour! Guess who's got to plumb it in? It looks a bit chunky.
I've given you large reserves of power.
I'm SURE we'll like that.
Plus an auto-reverse in case of jamming.
Really? Auto-reverse? Oh, that sounds nice, Wesley.
Should anything get jammed, this machine will automatically reverse and thus dislodge it.
I DO love to build in good safety margins.
But I still have to plumb it in! Someone, not a million miles away, at number 34, will be GREEN when she hears of this.
And she'll hear about this VERY soon! Get your blow-lamp! Why didn't you want to go inside? She asked us in.
When I'm in Edie's kitchen she makes me feel likeer a bacteria! I wonder if any wear your kind of hat? I can feel her straining to stop herself coming at me with a powerful cleanser! Interesting self-image you've got.
Nora Batty gave it to me straight.
She said "Thee are not compatible with the range of modern kitchen surfaces.
" Would you like to go through life requiring no more than a wipe-down with a damp cloth? It don't sound like me, Norm.
Just what I need! Half a ton of waste disposer! Enjoying your present, Wesley? Comes in.
Dumps it.
But guess who's got to plumb it in? "Let Wesley plumb it in!" It's ME she'll be nagging at about the mess under her sink.
Aye, she's a bit keen your Edie.
They all have this dream, Wesley.
The Phantom Plumber.
In and out without a trace.
I blame Barbara Cartland.
I know who my missus will blame.
ME.
One greasy thumbprint and that's me favourite pudding gone for 2 weeks! No! Not tha favourite pudding ?! She would! I think that's wicked.
And it's nothing to laugh at! Drink up.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
I just hope he's not in charge of our air defences! Who was he? Not Robin Hood, that's for sure.
It's Little Eli Thingummy.
He's harmless.
Harmless ?! It's just when he's had a few, he sort ofloses touch with his glasses! Wally Batty! It is! It's Wally Batty! His distant vision seems alright.
Look, who it is then! Ha ha! Wally Batty ! Eli? That's who it is! It's Eli! Well, I'll go to our house! It IS.
It's Eli! Well, I think that's been established then.
It's Eli.
I told you it were Eli.
Don't YOU start.
Ha ha-ha ha ! His distance vision is FINE.
It's just when he gets close-to, things go adrift.
Never think they were complete strangers! They were in the war together.
No wonder we kept losing.
Well I just hope that Eli was a sniper.
He's alright at long distance but I'd hate to be next to him in a bayonet fight.
He and Wally used to race pigeons.
But can he SEE pigeons? I can imagine him turning up with a PARROT he's been training.
Wondering why nobody would breed with it! Convinced he's got the FIRST talking pigeon! A talking, racing pigeon! Does it's own commentaries! Finally, on the night before the big race, somebody has to come up to him, take him to one side and TELL him.
"Eli, there's something you ought to know about that pigeon" Drink up.
Let's see how Wesley's getting on with that plumbing.
You can't NOT come in for one.
I'd LOVE to.
Come ON then.
Any OTHER time! What's up, Wal? She sent me out for this new clothes-line.
You've no time for a drink? She's doing her washing.
If this clothes-line's not up when she gets outside Say no more.
I can come back When the clothes-line is up.
They'll be shut! No problem! Leave it to Seymour! I can organise a solution for you! Which one's Seymour? What if she comes out while I'm putting the clothes-line up? Keep your goggles on.
Everybody looks the same in that outfit.
Yeah.
Stupid.
You look terrific.
You look like you're just back from bombing Pearl Harbour.
Think of the advantages.
You're helping Wally to have a drink with an old friend.
And you can give US a lift to Edie's.
Can't wait (!) A lift to Edie's, eh? PARP-PARP Signal! PARP-PARP ! Did tha see that wicked old lady looking for some mugger to bash? I had my eyes shut! Old ladies are very low on my list of things to open them for! He DRIVES like someone with a bad back.
I was improving! Not on MY side.
PARP-PARP ! Right go and put up your clothes-line.
We'll join you when we've finished here.
PARP-PARP ! ^ I'd like one in the cafe, so when I heard you were getting one But I never realised it was one of your Seymour's.
He's very generous is our Seymour.
Not very helpful, just generous! Have you got the joint tight? Yes.
Nuts secure? Bog off, Seymour! That'll do, Wesley! Don't take that attitude when we have guests! Aren't you distantly related to them Munsells in Catherine Street? So distant I'm surprised it shows.
Your mother was a Gledhill! Oh, I'd almost forgotten that! There's some Gledhills in them new bungalows down Walker's Bank.
Two ladies.
- I'd love a bungalow.
- The kitchens aren't very big.
I would.
I'd REALLY love a new bungalow.
The nearest I've got is our Milburn, who is built not unlike a bungalow.
I prefer the LARGER kitchen because without the larger kitchen, it may seem pretentious to be installing one of those.
Oops Wesley! Try and keep your big feet off that table leg! ^ Move the table! Trust a man to take that attitude (!) Come on, I'll help you! You've probably got cousins down Nether Thong way.
How long are you planning to be under that sink? You feel so vulnerable when your furniture's in disarray.
We've nearly finished.
WE ?! Then I will empty the contents of your bin into your sink and we shall see what we shall see.
Down my sink ?! You'll be AMAZED ! I bet she will! Keep it tight! I don't want me nets on the floor.
I hope you got a good one! Top quality? You can't skimp on clothes-lines.
That's it.
She's ready this end.
Now step on there and don't move a muscle.
Ready? If I'd known you were going to be sifting through my waste bin, I would have arranged a tidier bin! Nonsense, Edith! I have confidence enough in my machine to take ANY kitchen waste Here, Cleggy, start poking it down the sink when I give the signal.
Only don't get your fingers in I was happier standing on the newspaper.
We don't get much waste for a cafe.
Our Milburn wops up everything edible.
If he could digest bones we wouldn't need a waste disposer.
Are we ready then? Here we go.
SILENCE MOTOR STARTS It's coming! It's coming! GETS LOUDER I CAN TONE THE NOISE DOWN LATER ! A TEMPORARY CONDITION.
IT'LL PASS ! THE NOISE SETTLES GULPING NOISE S-C-R-U-N-C-H ! WHINING NOISE Demonstration completed! It worked! Inclined to impudence, my brother-in-law.
Of COURSE it worked! I shall have to cut the noise.
Otherwise it was a triumph.
Yes, I should tone it down.
It must have worried the Russians.
Magnificent machine! Bones and tins went through like jelly babies! I hope none of the bones were mine.
Hold 'em up! Hold 'em up! I don't want 'em trailing on the floor! Have you lost your tongue? Taken a vow of silence, have you? Don't you start sulking with me.
If you've something on your mind, let's have it cleared up.
Inside! Not out here! We'll discuss it inside.
Except for emergencies I think it's common to be shouting out here! A-A-A-A-G-H !! BBC Scotland - 1987 BANG ! Wesley!!