Family Guy s09e10 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy You think I got time to go make before the movie starts? Just make sure you get back in.
You got your stub in your pocket? That's hurtful.
AII right, come on, hurry up, Brian.
I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie.
Peter, those questions are the easiest, most pandering things in the world.
Shut up.
They're starting.
Oh, oh, Tim Honks! Tim Honks! Forrest Gump.
I win.
Who? Fuck! You guys got any questions for people who are not Hollywood insiders? Jesus! Fuck! AII right, this is ridiculous.
I need some help here.
-Hey, Quagmire? - Hey, Peter.
Hey, Iisten, we're at the movies and they're showing the trivia cards and there's a question up there that's just stumping us.
It's, "What color is this?" Well, what color is it? That's what I'm asking you.
I don't understand, Peter.
You're there.
Look, maybe you don't understand.
This is Iike the trivia thing before the movie where they got, Iike, the brain teasers and the pictures of Tim Honks and all that.
Tim Honks from The Money Pot? Yeah, that's right, yeah.
So can you help me? All right, Peter, find a hot girl and touch her.
I'll be able to see what she sees.
It's blue.
Good.
It's starting.
Y eah, that's what you say.
I can never figure out when the hell the studio Iogos end and the actual movie begins.
AII right.
Let's see what you got, Fox.
I bet that's a sea monster That's not the movie.
That's Yeah, I think I heard of them.
Here we go.
Movie! Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading.
AII right, someone's coming to town.
Oh, for crying out Ioud.
AII right, period movie.
Oh, not a period movie.
This guy's in trouble.
Can't wait to hear his story.
Come on! Psst! Hey, Brian.
You want a drink? You snuck in Iiquor? Yeah, Ioosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.
AII right, I'II get in on that.
Hey, I've already seen this movie.
Let's talk Let's talk about other movies we've seen.
That's an excellent idea.
I Iike The Madness ofKing George.
Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a solid motion picture.
And I Iike I Iike King Ralph 'cause that's the Iast guy you'd expect to be king of nothing.
Hey, shut up! Hey, I'm not the only one talking.
That big guy up there on the screen has been talking through the whole movie.
Hey, jerk.
Hey, you keep it down! I don't think that he's Iistening to you.
Let's get him! Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you how I feel about you.
Liesl, get away from him.
He's a Nazi.
I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse.
- Sit down! - Move.
Stop blocking the screen, you jerk! I don't think you heard me, buddy.
Step away from the young Iady.
Mmm! AII right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it.
Dear Rolfe, stop.
Oh, my God.
I think I'm in Narnia.
Where am I? Hey, those guys are all backwards now.
Get away from her! We got a report of a disturbance Oh! What the hell, Peter? Joe, thank God.
There's a situation here.
I've got a sore finger.
I don't give a crap.
We got bigger problems! Mr.
Griffin and Mr.
Griffin, this court finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance and destruction of private property.
And all of this while under the influence of alcohol.
Your Honor, if you'II just Iet us explain I've heard all the testimony I'm prepared to hear.
This court sentences you both to 30 days of AIcoholics Anonymous.
Well, Your Honor, in that case, I'II have to call my surprise witness, Mr.
Sockerby.
Mr.
Sockerby, before we begin, have you ever been convicted of a felony? Yes, but that bitch had it coming.
Okay.
Your Honor, I'm afraid I have to withdraw this witness, and I am going to those things you said I have to go to.
This sucks.
Can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA.
You know, if you ask me, this is gonna be a good thing for both of you.
There's a Iesson you need to Iearn.
What are you talking about? What Iesson? I don't need to go to AA.
I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah, that's Iike saying rappers are really poets.
"I'm not saying she's a gold digger, "but she's not messing with" Who isn't she messing with? Hey, y'all.
Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight.
So Iet's all say us a big hello to Peter and Brian.
Hello, Peter and Brian.
-Hi there.
-Hi, uniform mentality.
I'm an individual.
Come on, Brian.
They're forcing us to do this, so Iet's try and make the best of it.
Can't be that bad.
AII right, who'd Iike to kick us off? I will.
Hi, my name is Walt and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Walt.
I used to be out of control.
I used to drink from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed.
I'd get in fights and have crazy sex with hookers all night.
But, thanks to the program, I've been clean for a year.
Now I Iive in a halfway house with my Iady friend.
And next month, we're going on a bus trip to Worcester.
What the fuck? Thank you, Walt.
Who wants to go next? I will.
Um My name is Greg, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Greg.
One fateful night, I got behind the wheel of my brand-new sports car, blind drunk.
I was responsible for the death of an innocent 8-year-old girl.
-What kind? -What? What kind of car? You said you had a sports car.
That's cool, but what kind? -It was a Miata.
-Come on.
That's not a sports car.
How does that even kill a kid? What, did you hit her over the head with it? -That's a Iegitimate sports car.
-No.
Next! Jenny, would you Iike to talk? My name is Jenny, and I'm an alcoholic.
Jeez, anybody here in any other Iine of work? Ha! Hi, Jenny.
Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I used to get drunk and party all night.
I missed work halfthe time.
One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom.
But now that I've joined the program, I'm a whole different person.
And my two new cats, CIean and Sober, just think I'm tops.
That's wonderful, Jenny.
AII right, Peter, do you have a story that you'd Iike to share? Oh, yeah, I got one.
This one time, me and Joe and Quagmire made a bet to see who could drink the most beer and still drive.
And you know that water slide in South Attleboro? -Yeah! -Water slide! Summer fun! It was the greatest day of my Iife, and I owe it all to alcohol.
Peter, it sounds to me Iike alcohol is a very destructive influence in your Iife.
Yeah, maybe you didn't hear me.
We drove a car down a waterslide.
Listen to me.
You need to relinquish your dependence and give yourself over to a higher power.
You have a different view, Brian? I don't know.
Are we allowed to have a different view? Look, Brian, I know where you's at.
I fought it at first, too.
But you need to realize you don't have all them answers.
But if you work the program every day, you'II find results.
God, you sound Iike a robot.
Brian, AA is the only way out for these people.
Millions are saved every year by the program.
Hey, people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA.
Just Iike they got along for thousands of years without religion.
I Iike you and have no reason not to.
I Iike you and have no reason not to.
Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem? There you boys are.
How was your meeting? Twenty-nine more and we're done, that's how it was.
That doesn't sound Iike the right attitude.
Lois, you weren't there.
It was awful.
Just a bunch of Iosers telling boring stories.
"My drinking ruined my marriage.
" "My drinking ruined my family.
" "My drinking ruined my TV show, 24.
" You sound Iike two people who don't Iike being told they have a problem with alcohol.
Okay, Iet's just say for a minute that I do have a drinking problem.
How is being forced to join a cult for 30 days supposed to fix that? I see you got your own thing going on this week, but there's a new teacher at preschool who deactivates the camera and then hits us.
Brian, AA's been around for years.
It's helped a Iot of people get over their addiction.
No, it hasn't.
They've just traded one addiction for another.
Their Iife goes from being all about drinking to being all about AA.
The only difference is, when it's all about drinking, they're more fun.
Well, Iike it or not, you got to stick it out for 30 days.
You know what sucks, Brian? We don't got a problem with our drinking.
It's everybody else who's got a problem with our drinking.
Wait a minute.
Peter, that's it.
The issue isn't that these people are alcoholics.
They just have nowhere to drink without being judged.
She slams us into the monkey bars, but none of us have the Ianguage skills to call her on it.
And then this one time, I was so drunk, I gave someone a back adjustment.
I'm not a chiropractor.
You got to go to a weekend of school for that.
Hey, hey! Anyone in the house addicted to alcohol? -Hi.
-Hello, Peter.
I enjoy alcohol.
I can't hear you! -Hello.
-I have a very serious problem.
Mr.
Griffin, alcohol is forbidden at our meetings.
Look, just hear me out.
I sat here and Iistened to you bums the other day, and I got to tell you, I have never seen a duller bunch of pathetic bastards in my Iife.
I don't know who you were when you were drinking, but it sure as hell's got to be better than who you are when you're sober.
Yeah, you all stopped drinking because you were hurting your Ioved ones.
But you can't hurt them if they don't know you're drunk.
Let's make this our sanctuary.
I wants me that beer.
Look at this, Brian, somewhere in Quahog there's a kid not being picked up from baseball practice.
And it's all thanks to us.
Attention, patrol cars, we've got a noise complaint at the Quahog Community Center.
Is anyone in the area? Wait a minute.
That's where Peter's AA meeting is.
This is Officer Swanson.
I'm on it.
So I clicked on it, and the girl's got a bigger wang than I got.
-No way! -No way, right? So I did So I just put my thumb over it, and then And that got me through the rest of the Of the session.
Oh, no.
There's a policeman coming.
AII right, everybody, you know what to do.
AIcoholics, transform.
AII right, what the hell's going on in here? We got a noise complaint.
Joe, shh! Peter's about to start.
We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members, to talk about the greatest temptation the devil ever created.
AIcohol! Mr.
Booze Mr.
Booze Mr.
Booze Mr.
B-double-O-Z-E That sure spells booze You will wind up wearing tattered shoes Ifyou mess with Mr.
Booze Don 't mess with Mr.
Booze Don 't mess with Mr.
Booze Don 't mess with B-double-O-Z-E Ifyou've been so stiff they thought you died You'll feel better once you've testified -Testify, testify -Oh, yeah I want to testify.
I want to testify.
Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son.
CIeanse yourself.
One time, I took a Iibrary book out, and I fells asleep reading it, and I Ieft it under the bed.
And I forgot about it for three and a half years.
I was gonna take it back on Amnesty Day, but on Amnesty Day, I had a sip of rosé wine, and I never made it out of the house.
-Who's to blame? -Who's to blame? -What's his name? -We know his name His name is Mr.
Booze Mr.
Booze Mr.
B-double-O-Z-E Don 't ever choose Any game you play with him you lose So don 't mess with Mr.
Booze -lfyour head feels like it's two miles wide - Two miles wide You'll feel better once you've testified -Testify -Oh, yeah Testify I want to testify.
I want to testify.
Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify.
I used to be a soda pop guy.
Then I switched to the bottle.
Now I don't Ieave my couch, and I've seen every movie ever.
You name a movie, I've seen it.
-MAN 1 : Meet Dave.
-Seen it.
-MAN 2: The Eiger Sanction.
-Seen it.
-MAN 3: Donovan's Reef.
-Seen it.
-MAN 4: License to Drive.
-Definitely seen it.
- That's a shame -What a shame -Who 's to blame? -For Corey Haim His name is Mr.
Booze Mr.
Booze Mr.
B-double-O-Z-E You must refuse You'll make the obituary news Ifyou mess with Mr.
Booze Ifyou've been so stiff they thought you died You'll feel better once you've testified Testify, testify This man wants to testify.
Very well, my brother.
Let us Iead him on the path of righteousness.
This poor gentleman used to speak in Iong, eloquent sentences, but after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances.
Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed.
-Who's your favorite musician, OIIie? -Cher! He doesn't even Iike Cher.
Now, alcohol makes a big man small -And can lead to a life of crime - Yeah! Demon rum makes a gent a bum -And you cash in before your time - Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin -Till you don 't even know your name - Yeah! You're a basket case, flat on your face And there 's only one guy to blame -Mr.
B-double-O-Z-E -Mr.
Booze Mr.
Booze Mr.
B-double-O-Z-E Don 't ever choose You will wind up wearing tattered shoes Ifyou mess with Mr.
Booze Don 't mess with Mr.
Booze Oh, Mr.
Booze Don 't mess with Mr.
Booze Oh, Mr.
Booze Don 't mess with Mr.
Booze Don 't mess with B-double-O-Z-E 'Cause that spells booze And you're gonna lose with Mr.
Booze Oh, yeah Don 't mess around with Mr.
Booze Don 't mess with Mr.
Booze - That's what he said, now -Don 't mess with Mr.
Booze -Oh, Mr.
Booze -Don 't mess with Mr.
Booze -Don 't mess with Mister -Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah Oh, Mr.
Booze Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah Yeah! Wow, you guys.
I'm impressed that you're taking your sentence so seriously.
And I know that the court will be happy to hear this, too.
Now, if you'II just keep it down so I don't get any more complaints.
Sure.
No problem, Joe.
Thanks for stopping by.
So what do you say, guys? Should we take this party to Denny's and hang out with the cast of the high school play? No.
I think I'm just gonna go home.
AII right.
You okay to drive? Yeah, I'II be fine.
I'II crank the heat, roll up the windows and blast the Lullaby Channel.
I'II be fine.
-AII right, take it easy.
-AII right, you, too.
Get out of here.
-Hey! Like your jeans.
-Thanks.
-What size are you? -Yeah, I don't think we're the same size.
Yeah, we'II figure it out tomorrow.
Come on, Brian.
You ready to go home? No, Peter.
I'm gonna go meet Jenny's cats.
What are you talking about? You hate cats.
I'm going to meet her cats.
Jeez, all right.
Okay.
AII right.
You don't have to get all Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog.
Hey, CatDog CatDog CatDog Hey, where's You know, where's all the poop go when the cat In the CatDog, when the cat poops What, does it come out of the dog's mouth? And vice versa? Oh, God.
That's some kind of Iiving hell.
That's some kind of Iiving hell, Brian.
Okay, I got to go.
You have a good time with Jenny.
Jeez.
CatDog.
What if they want to marry different people? You got a Iawsuit on your hands, that's what That's what happens.
AII right, Iook, Iet's get some music going on in here.
Where's the Lullaby Channel? A gentle breeze From Hushabye Mountain Softly blows O'er Lullaby Bay PIease be Rosie O'Donnell.
PIease be Rosie O'Donnell.
PIease be Rosie O'Donnell.
Wait.
Is it? Hey, hey, fatty, wake up.
What the What happened? You're dead, jackass.
You died in a drunk-driving accident.
Oh, God.
Did I hold on to the touchdown pass? What the What's wrong with you? You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk.
Look, I've been told I can give you another chance, but there's some things we have to do first.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about you understanding alcohol just a Iittle bit better.
Peter, I'm gonna show you where your Iife is headed if you keep drinking as much as you do.
AII right, Peter.
Here we are.
Well, everything Iooks fine.
AII right, family.
Line up for cigar burns.
Wait a minute.
Who are you? I'm your other son, MacCawber.
Here for my cigar burn, good sir.
Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "Iaugh and cry, Iaugh and cry.
" What's the difference? What's this? This is the bathroom at my work.
That's right.
And there you are in the stall with your boss, Angela.
What? Oh, my God, Angela.
That was That was That felt so good.
AII I want to do is please you, Griffin.
Well that was a good idea you had dunking your hand in the toilet.
Oh, my God! I wouldn't have sex with Angela! -She's disgusting! - Not when you're drunk, she's not.
AII right, Death, I get it.
I wish I'd never touched a drop of alcohol in my Iife.
Never touched a drop, huh? Well, guess what.
I'm gonna show you that, too.
Okay, get ready for this.
Hey, hey, hey, gang! Everybody Iine up for a "Triple H," a hug, a handshake or a high five, your call.
Lois, hug, you got it.
Stewie, hug, two in a row.
Try for three, Chris? No, high five.
Well, that's okay.
High five's great, too.
Meg, back to the hug.
AII right.
Hugs may win it today.
And we close with a handshake.
And all in time for my big bike ride announcement.
Who the fuck is this queer? That's you, Peter, alcohol-free.
Hey, Iook, there's Joe and Quagmire.
-Hey, Iet's have a drink with them.
-You've never touched a drop, Peter.
You don't even know those guys.
Those are your friends over there.
Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down? We're trying to have a conversation here.
Some people, gee whiz.
Those are your friends Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan.
-Do I at Ieast call him Jon? - No, he prefers Jonathan.
Ugh! One of those guys? How can Leno get away with saying such outrageous things? Doesn't he know there are children watching? I know.
I said to my wife just the other night, "Enough with the boob tube.
" Pardon my French.
"But we are turning it off.
" You know, guys, and I really mean this, after 27 years of marriage, my wife is still the sexiest woman I know.
Pardon my French.
You know, I've started taking a Bufferin baby aspirin every day.
It's improved my heart one heck of a heap, I'II tell you that.
Pardon my French.
This is even worse than the other one.
I mean, it's cool I know French, but, Death, this ain't me.
What am I supposed to do? If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk, and if I'm sober, I'm a douche.
Exactly, Peter.
It's called moderation.
That's the key to Iife.
You don't have to give up the booze cold turkey.
You just have to be responsible with it.
You members of the human race have the ability to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star.
With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can Iearn to put the bottle down just sometimes? We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no, but we kept at it.
AII right, Death.
I'II try.
Well, we're home.
Thirty days of sobriety and we can finally drink again.
Oh, for God's sake, Peter, didn't you Iearn anything from this? Yes, I did, Lois.
These are going in the garbage.
But these I'm keeping for myself.
Moderation, Lois.
Wow, Peter.
I never thought I'd see the day.
Good for you.
From now on, half of every six-pack I buy is going in the trash.
Hey, how come we're the only animals with poo that's white? I know.
What the hell? Right? We're not We're not eating white stuff.
Hey, you want something good? Just Iook for the containers that say "KFC" on them.
There's always something good in there.
Dude, that's birds in there.
You're eating another bird.
-What? -That's bird meat, dude.
What? No.
-You're eating a bird.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! English - US - SDH