King of the Hill s09e10 Episode Script
Arlen City Bomber
1 ( tapping ) There's something wrong with this machine.
Step back and I'll hit it for you.
Aw, baby girl, there ain't nothing wrong with the machine.
It says you ain't got no more in there.
It barely looked.
I know-- I'll get another cash advance on my credit card! Good idea.
If I'd never gotten an advance on my credit card, I never woulda gone to the Costco to buy a 78-inch TV, never woulda slipped in pee-pee, never woulda got my settlement money.
Scary to think about the road not traveled, huh? Excuse me, Uncle Hank.
Can you please loan me $257? No.
I need it for my car loan, which you cosigned in the first place.
You're saying that like it's my fault.
Well Luanne, I don't understand.
You are working full-time at the barbershop.
Where is the money going? I don't know.
Things? Let me see your credit card statement.
Oh, my God, you've been taking cash advances? Luanne, the interest they charge is so high, you can never crawl out from under it.
You keep spending like this, and someday you'll be a poor, hungry old woman who can't afford a retirement home.
Then where'll you be? I don't want to think about it.
The street.
Help.
( sighs ) Okay, let's see where we can start saving you some money.
$180 on a dress?! Well, this is easy.
From now on, you'll be buying your clothes at the Dress Barrel.
( shuddering whimper ) Please, Hank, you are out of your element.
We are talking about how to manage the expenses of a young, stylish woman.
But I'm the cosigner on that loan of hers.
I will take care of it, Hank.
Luanne scares easily.
That plays into my strengths.
Luanne, this pie chart represents your expenses-- food, gas, clothes.
And this great big piece of pie is credit card debt.
( gasps ) I'll never be able to eat it! That is why you are going to get a second job.
Here are the help wanted ads.
Now go to it.
I expect to see jobs circled and numbers written down.
Oh, and if you come across any ironic deaths in the Obits, clip 'em.
You know-- piano tuner hit by falling piano, things like that.
BOBBY: What are you doing? I need to get another job, 'cause Aunt Peggy says I have to be more responsible.
Mom's into responsibility now, too? Plumber nurse's aide All these jobs are racist against people who don't have skills.
Hey, how about this one? Night work available for outgoing, attractive girls who like to make big dollars and have a good time.
That's me! Peggy's got to show Luanne that you only use credit cards in an emergency, not for toe rings and body glitter.
Frivolous.
Just frivolous.
Exactly.
Credit cards are a last resort, after cash, check, plasma, urine and alien urine.
Sure, there's bone marrow, but that is more prudently used as a retirement vehicle.
Or so says Lou Dobbs.
80-year-old hypnotist dies in her sleep.
How could Luanne miss this? Bobby, do you know anything about this? That's Luanne's new job.
Don't tie up the phone; I'm a reference.
Luanne, stop! You didn't audition for anything yet, did you? No.
Oh, my God.
What kind of twisted perversion have they trapped you into? I'm a Roller Derby skater! Roller Derby? But wait, Luanne, how is that a second job? We make $500 a game.
Really? MAN: You ready, Luanne? Pratley what are you doing here? I thought you sold Hyundais.
I sell "fun.
" Doesn't matter if it's a fully-loaded Hyundai Excel, or the finest Roller Derby team in Arlen.
And I'd like to see you in both.
Who are those women? That's Gruesome Gretta.
She's the big one.
There's Carly and Felicia, they're dancers together.
( thud ) ( gasps ) That was Nureen.
Nureen really likes children.
Well, at least I think she does, because she has a whole lot of them.
( grunting ) NUREEN: Cheap shot, Gretta! Aunt Peggy, I'll save you! PEGGY: No, you won't! ( grunting ) ( sighs ) Do you have size 16 skates? Lots of 'em.
Hmm, hmm.
Bobby, I know "skateboarding isn't a crime," but it is in my driveway.
Luanne? Peggy? Not Luanne and Peggy-- Gold Dust and the Executionator! Dang it, Peggy, how is this teaching Luanne about responsibility? D-Don't roll around while I'm talking to you.
By putting on these skates, I am putting Luanne on solid footing.
After playing the Maulers next week, she'll make enough to pay down her credit card debt.
After taking on the Destroyers, she will catch up on her car payments.
And after beating the tar out of those Poisonettes, she will make a deposit into an interest-bearing account! You just want to smash into people, don't you? You know, Hank, the money I make could go towards buying that patio furniture you've had your eye on.
The Gatsby Collection? Yep.
And I like to smash into people.
After we get paid, I'm going to get my car painted in our team colors, so I'm all matchy.
You will do no such thing.
Your Uncle Hank is on board by a thread.
I appeased him with some fancy patio furniture talk, but if we screw this up, he'll still give us that look.
I hate that look.
We all do.
Now tape these rolls of pennies to my elbows.
( all cheering ) This sport is entirely fixed.
There's a giant magnet beneath the rink that controls their every movement.
That woman is perfect.
She's beautiful and could be a father figure.
Hey, Lucky.
Want a corn chip? No, sir.
This ol' boy won't eat a corn chip out of a bag no more.
See, I used to make 'em-- had a hair net and everything.
You ain't tasted nothing till you've tasted a corn chip right off the line.
Oh, someday I would like to try that.
I'm gonna help you run down that dream, Bobby.
How am I going to get through 'em? By following these! ( buzzer ) Woo-hoo! Nice score! Score? Someone scored? Heck yeah.
Aunt Peggy did.
Aunt Peggy? Yeah, she knocked out their blockers so Luanne could scoot past their jammer.
I'm so confused.
See, your blockers stop the other team's jammers.
The pivots can block, jam, or counter jam.
Only the pivot or jammer can score.
But how do they score? No one really knows.
I like that new girl on your team, Pratley.
She's gonna be good for the gate.
Yeah, and "Glasses" over there looks like she can knock a few heads.
I'll get some toilet paper printed up with her face on it-- we'll fill the place when you play my team next week.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! We won the game or match or whatever it's called! ( giggles ) PRATLEY: Knocky knocky.
I hope you're decent.
Oh, you are.
Payday.
Oh! Our paychecks! Yay! ( giggles ) Oh, it only says $90.
It should be for 500.
Well, it is 500 uh, minus operating expenses.
I gotta deduct for things like water, tissue and bandages.
And lip, if I hear any more of it.
( gasps ) He's got no right to do that.
Why do you women take that from him? It's the way it's always been.
The longer we sit here and jaw about it, the more he's gonna charge us to keep the lights on.
( sighs ) This is the smallest check for $500 I have ever gotten.
Oh, I feel so used! Hey, that was some match last night.
Shall we celebrate now and buy a piece of patio furniture or wait and get the whole grouping at the end of the month? I say we delay gratification.
Well, I do like delaying gratification Done! How are we going to buy Uncle Hank patio furniture when Lane Pratley barely gives us any money? You do not know it, Luanne, but you just had an idea.
Really? Ladies, what I am about to tell you will make you rich.
How? We will buy a Roller Derby team of our own.
Haw.
I'm gonna make you eat that word, Gretta.
We will get rid of the owners, and the players will take over.
We will do everything right! It would sure be nice to have some money for child care.
Mm-hmm.
I wouldn't mind a strengthening and conditioning coach, and Carly would like a decent boom box for psyche-up music.
It's part of her process.
Ladies, we will be able to have all those things and more.
All we need is faith in ourselves and a thousand dollars each.
A thousand dollars sure is a lot.
Are you sure we're going to get that money back? I guarantee it.
In fact, I have a pie chart to prove it.
Aunt Peggy, where are we going to get our share? From the bank.
Banks loan out money every day.
Why shouldn't they loan it to us? I envy you, Bobby.
Eating a chip off the line is one of those experiences that changes your life.
Birds fly a little slower, and pretty girls smile a little longer.
It's like the whole world moves just for you.
All that from eating a corn chip? Off the line, yes.
We're here to eat a chip off the line.
Sir, this factory isn't open to the public.
No, it's okay.
I used to work at one of these down in Waco.
Move it along, please.
Don't worry, Bobby, I'll think of something.
But where are we going? Home.
Thinking takes time.
If they don't want customers to wear skates inside, they should have a sign.
All the money places turned us down.
Even the drive-through ones.
What are we gonna do now? We are gonna go over their heads.
Are you sure you want to get a cash advance, Aunt Peggy? Because when I did, it was really irresponsible.
That is because you were living beyond your means.
I am borrowing as a business investment.
But the interest! The horrible interest! Well, it is no matter to us, because we will be paying this off before the end of the month with our profits.
It's perfect.
Even so, let's not mention it to your Uncle Hank.
There's my team.
30 minutes late.
'Course, I'll have to round up and fine you for the whole hour.
It's easier on the computer.
There's only one problem with your computation.
You don't have a team.
You never gave us contracts, so we are all free agents.
We started our own team! PEGGY: That's right, Pratley.
And as the first player-owned team, we all have a vote in how this team is run.
I vote we see how fast he can run.
Yeah! Ooh! ( all laughing ) This is what happens when you send a car dealer to do a department store owner's job.
Whoa, whoa, this ain't just about my team.
Once your girls hear about this, they're gonna want to be on their own, too.
We got to do something.
Let's remember, we control the situation here.
( honking horn ) There's one thing years of hunting has taught me: if you want to stop the pack, you need to take down the head elephant.
Or talk to its husband.
( horn honking, car alarm blaring ) So, before we begin our first practice, why don't we do a warm-up skate.
The blockers can go first, then the jammers, then the pivots.
You blockers always put yourself first.
Everyone knows we jammers do all the work.
We should lead.
Jammers might win games, but pivots win championships.
I'll go first.
Aw, you stuck-up, little ( grunting ) Ladies! Ladies! There is no reason to fight anymore.
As equal owners, we can solve all our issues through voting.
Okay, that is 12 ties in a row.
Which leaves us with no time left to practice.
I could bring in a chicken.
Whichever person the chicken runs to, that's who wins.
Well, of course the chicken's gonna run to you.
It's your damn chicken.
I vote you shut up! Oh, hey, hey, hey, calm down! We will never get anything accomplished by fighting amongst ourselves.
Oh! You want some of this, Cheapshot? ( grunting ) Hank, we need to talk about that Roller Derby team your wife bought.
My wife bought a Roller Derby team? You know anything about skates? They're very delicate pieces of machinery.
Accidents happen.
Now, that's a metaphor.
You just tell your wife to close up shop.
I don't need to tell my wife anything! How did my wife buy a Roller Derby team? Oh, hi, Hank! Well, I got to run.
I'm teaching Luanne how to make dinner with leftovers.
Frugal, frugal, frugal.
Peggy, did you buy a Roller Derby team? What?! The things you come up with.
You crazy, crazy man.
We all chipped in to buy it.
Where the heck did you get the money? The same place I got Luanne's share a cash advance.
On our credit card?! ( groans ) You were supposed to be teaching Luanne fiscal responsibility.
God, how am I gonna face the guys at H&R Block when they see this on our return? I know, I know! And now it's a freaking disaster-- we can't agree on anything.
It all seemed so easy in my head.
Everybody would be everybody else's boss.
How could that not have worked? How did you find out anyway? It was Gretta, wasn't it? No, Lane Pratley came by.
And he was making threats.
At least I think he was.
He was kind of weaselly and indirect.
He was making threats? Wait, that means he feels threatened.
Hank, I've got to go fix everything.
Now, that's what you said before you bought a Roller Derby team.
That was false bravado.
This is real bravado, Hank.
You've got to trust me.
Okay, but I'm canceling our credit cards.
PEGGY: Now, I know we all hate each other, but we have too much money invested in this team to quit now.
Heck, I'll go back to dirty phone talk before I skate with you all.
Sit down! Lane Pratley is scared.
He's scared because he thinks our team is a cohesive unit who can show the way to all the other skaters.
He thinks we can pull together to win, and if he thinks all that, maybe we can pretend to do it.
Do what? We're gonna put on a show! We will pretend to like each other just long enough to get Pratley to buy us out.
Then we never have to see each other again.
So here's my plan: I climb this fence and get you a chip.
That's your plan? It took you two days to think of that? I had to cover all the angles.
( loud grunt ) Are you okay? Well, I got some pain here and some suffering here.
Oh, my God, all your teeth are chipped.
Now, to be fair, they was chipped before I got here.
But these contusions and lacerations I place squarely at the feet of your corn chip company.
But you climbed our security fence.
That attractive nuisance is what I call Exhibit A.
Now, I could sue you-- my current quote is $53,000.
Or Oh my God.
Ain't it the truth? Bobby, can you drive a stick shift? And keep me awake? We are family I got all my sisters with me Are you sure they're watching? Of course they're watching.
Smile, I want to see all eight of your teeth.
Shut up, everybody, and sing Dang, I never seen that biggun smile before.
I've seen enough.
All my sisters with me They're leaving.
Did it work? Shut up.
I thought we were done playing other teams.
You said they'd buy us out before we had to skate.
She says lots of things.
Sorry, Aunt Peggy.
Sure they'll be here.
They'd be fools not to be here.
( knocking ) You're up! Okay, we can do this.
It's only one hour, three times a week, indefinitely.
It's just like riding a bicycle that you hate.
I thought we were just doing this for show.
I ain't rolling with y'all.
Yeah, the hell with this.
Excuse me, ladies, a moment of your time.
Actually, we were just about to go skate.
But as a democratically operated team, we will vote to see if we want to talk to you.
It's unanimous.
What do you got? I got $8,000 cash money to buy your team.
Wait, you want to try to buy us with money? Are you gonna write a check for our camaraderie? Are you gonna fill our wallets with good times? ( laughs ) You make me laugh.
Peggy, I've sold enough Hyundais to know exactly where you're coming from.
Now, I'm gonna write a number down on a popcorn bag I guess you ladies have a match to skate-- for me.
So, we have to keep skating together? Just until I cash the check, then we'll never have to see them again.
After all, we don't have contracts.
Here you go! Congratulations, Luanne, your credit cards are now entirely paid up.
Yay! ( sighs ) And Hank, just to show I am a woman of my word-- please look outside.
The Gatsby Collection! Actually, we could only afford the West Egg Ottoman and the Tom and Daisy Recliner.
LUCKY: Scary to think about the road not traveled, huh?
Step back and I'll hit it for you.
Aw, baby girl, there ain't nothing wrong with the machine.
It says you ain't got no more in there.
It barely looked.
I know-- I'll get another cash advance on my credit card! Good idea.
If I'd never gotten an advance on my credit card, I never woulda gone to the Costco to buy a 78-inch TV, never woulda slipped in pee-pee, never woulda got my settlement money.
Scary to think about the road not traveled, huh? Excuse me, Uncle Hank.
Can you please loan me $257? No.
I need it for my car loan, which you cosigned in the first place.
You're saying that like it's my fault.
Well Luanne, I don't understand.
You are working full-time at the barbershop.
Where is the money going? I don't know.
Things? Let me see your credit card statement.
Oh, my God, you've been taking cash advances? Luanne, the interest they charge is so high, you can never crawl out from under it.
You keep spending like this, and someday you'll be a poor, hungry old woman who can't afford a retirement home.
Then where'll you be? I don't want to think about it.
The street.
Help.
( sighs ) Okay, let's see where we can start saving you some money.
$180 on a dress?! Well, this is easy.
From now on, you'll be buying your clothes at the Dress Barrel.
( shuddering whimper ) Please, Hank, you are out of your element.
We are talking about how to manage the expenses of a young, stylish woman.
But I'm the cosigner on that loan of hers.
I will take care of it, Hank.
Luanne scares easily.
That plays into my strengths.
Luanne, this pie chart represents your expenses-- food, gas, clothes.
And this great big piece of pie is credit card debt.
( gasps ) I'll never be able to eat it! That is why you are going to get a second job.
Here are the help wanted ads.
Now go to it.
I expect to see jobs circled and numbers written down.
Oh, and if you come across any ironic deaths in the Obits, clip 'em.
You know-- piano tuner hit by falling piano, things like that.
BOBBY: What are you doing? I need to get another job, 'cause Aunt Peggy says I have to be more responsible.
Mom's into responsibility now, too? Plumber nurse's aide All these jobs are racist against people who don't have skills.
Hey, how about this one? Night work available for outgoing, attractive girls who like to make big dollars and have a good time.
That's me! Peggy's got to show Luanne that you only use credit cards in an emergency, not for toe rings and body glitter.
Frivolous.
Just frivolous.
Exactly.
Credit cards are a last resort, after cash, check, plasma, urine and alien urine.
Sure, there's bone marrow, but that is more prudently used as a retirement vehicle.
Or so says Lou Dobbs.
80-year-old hypnotist dies in her sleep.
How could Luanne miss this? Bobby, do you know anything about this? That's Luanne's new job.
Don't tie up the phone; I'm a reference.
Luanne, stop! You didn't audition for anything yet, did you? No.
Oh, my God.
What kind of twisted perversion have they trapped you into? I'm a Roller Derby skater! Roller Derby? But wait, Luanne, how is that a second job? We make $500 a game.
Really? MAN: You ready, Luanne? Pratley what are you doing here? I thought you sold Hyundais.
I sell "fun.
" Doesn't matter if it's a fully-loaded Hyundai Excel, or the finest Roller Derby team in Arlen.
And I'd like to see you in both.
Who are those women? That's Gruesome Gretta.
She's the big one.
There's Carly and Felicia, they're dancers together.
( thud ) ( gasps ) That was Nureen.
Nureen really likes children.
Well, at least I think she does, because she has a whole lot of them.
( grunting ) NUREEN: Cheap shot, Gretta! Aunt Peggy, I'll save you! PEGGY: No, you won't! ( grunting ) ( sighs ) Do you have size 16 skates? Lots of 'em.
Hmm, hmm.
Bobby, I know "skateboarding isn't a crime," but it is in my driveway.
Luanne? Peggy? Not Luanne and Peggy-- Gold Dust and the Executionator! Dang it, Peggy, how is this teaching Luanne about responsibility? D-Don't roll around while I'm talking to you.
By putting on these skates, I am putting Luanne on solid footing.
After playing the Maulers next week, she'll make enough to pay down her credit card debt.
After taking on the Destroyers, she will catch up on her car payments.
And after beating the tar out of those Poisonettes, she will make a deposit into an interest-bearing account! You just want to smash into people, don't you? You know, Hank, the money I make could go towards buying that patio furniture you've had your eye on.
The Gatsby Collection? Yep.
And I like to smash into people.
After we get paid, I'm going to get my car painted in our team colors, so I'm all matchy.
You will do no such thing.
Your Uncle Hank is on board by a thread.
I appeased him with some fancy patio furniture talk, but if we screw this up, he'll still give us that look.
I hate that look.
We all do.
Now tape these rolls of pennies to my elbows.
( all cheering ) This sport is entirely fixed.
There's a giant magnet beneath the rink that controls their every movement.
That woman is perfect.
She's beautiful and could be a father figure.
Hey, Lucky.
Want a corn chip? No, sir.
This ol' boy won't eat a corn chip out of a bag no more.
See, I used to make 'em-- had a hair net and everything.
You ain't tasted nothing till you've tasted a corn chip right off the line.
Oh, someday I would like to try that.
I'm gonna help you run down that dream, Bobby.
How am I going to get through 'em? By following these! ( buzzer ) Woo-hoo! Nice score! Score? Someone scored? Heck yeah.
Aunt Peggy did.
Aunt Peggy? Yeah, she knocked out their blockers so Luanne could scoot past their jammer.
I'm so confused.
See, your blockers stop the other team's jammers.
The pivots can block, jam, or counter jam.
Only the pivot or jammer can score.
But how do they score? No one really knows.
I like that new girl on your team, Pratley.
She's gonna be good for the gate.
Yeah, and "Glasses" over there looks like she can knock a few heads.
I'll get some toilet paper printed up with her face on it-- we'll fill the place when you play my team next week.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! We won the game or match or whatever it's called! ( giggles ) PRATLEY: Knocky knocky.
I hope you're decent.
Oh, you are.
Payday.
Oh! Our paychecks! Yay! ( giggles ) Oh, it only says $90.
It should be for 500.
Well, it is 500 uh, minus operating expenses.
I gotta deduct for things like water, tissue and bandages.
And lip, if I hear any more of it.
( gasps ) He's got no right to do that.
Why do you women take that from him? It's the way it's always been.
The longer we sit here and jaw about it, the more he's gonna charge us to keep the lights on.
( sighs ) This is the smallest check for $500 I have ever gotten.
Oh, I feel so used! Hey, that was some match last night.
Shall we celebrate now and buy a piece of patio furniture or wait and get the whole grouping at the end of the month? I say we delay gratification.
Well, I do like delaying gratification Done! How are we going to buy Uncle Hank patio furniture when Lane Pratley barely gives us any money? You do not know it, Luanne, but you just had an idea.
Really? Ladies, what I am about to tell you will make you rich.
How? We will buy a Roller Derby team of our own.
Haw.
I'm gonna make you eat that word, Gretta.
We will get rid of the owners, and the players will take over.
We will do everything right! It would sure be nice to have some money for child care.
Mm-hmm.
I wouldn't mind a strengthening and conditioning coach, and Carly would like a decent boom box for psyche-up music.
It's part of her process.
Ladies, we will be able to have all those things and more.
All we need is faith in ourselves and a thousand dollars each.
A thousand dollars sure is a lot.
Are you sure we're going to get that money back? I guarantee it.
In fact, I have a pie chart to prove it.
Aunt Peggy, where are we going to get our share? From the bank.
Banks loan out money every day.
Why shouldn't they loan it to us? I envy you, Bobby.
Eating a chip off the line is one of those experiences that changes your life.
Birds fly a little slower, and pretty girls smile a little longer.
It's like the whole world moves just for you.
All that from eating a corn chip? Off the line, yes.
We're here to eat a chip off the line.
Sir, this factory isn't open to the public.
No, it's okay.
I used to work at one of these down in Waco.
Move it along, please.
Don't worry, Bobby, I'll think of something.
But where are we going? Home.
Thinking takes time.
If they don't want customers to wear skates inside, they should have a sign.
All the money places turned us down.
Even the drive-through ones.
What are we gonna do now? We are gonna go over their heads.
Are you sure you want to get a cash advance, Aunt Peggy? Because when I did, it was really irresponsible.
That is because you were living beyond your means.
I am borrowing as a business investment.
But the interest! The horrible interest! Well, it is no matter to us, because we will be paying this off before the end of the month with our profits.
It's perfect.
Even so, let's not mention it to your Uncle Hank.
There's my team.
30 minutes late.
'Course, I'll have to round up and fine you for the whole hour.
It's easier on the computer.
There's only one problem with your computation.
You don't have a team.
You never gave us contracts, so we are all free agents.
We started our own team! PEGGY: That's right, Pratley.
And as the first player-owned team, we all have a vote in how this team is run.
I vote we see how fast he can run.
Yeah! Ooh! ( all laughing ) This is what happens when you send a car dealer to do a department store owner's job.
Whoa, whoa, this ain't just about my team.
Once your girls hear about this, they're gonna want to be on their own, too.
We got to do something.
Let's remember, we control the situation here.
( honking horn ) There's one thing years of hunting has taught me: if you want to stop the pack, you need to take down the head elephant.
Or talk to its husband.
( horn honking, car alarm blaring ) So, before we begin our first practice, why don't we do a warm-up skate.
The blockers can go first, then the jammers, then the pivots.
You blockers always put yourself first.
Everyone knows we jammers do all the work.
We should lead.
Jammers might win games, but pivots win championships.
I'll go first.
Aw, you stuck-up, little ( grunting ) Ladies! Ladies! There is no reason to fight anymore.
As equal owners, we can solve all our issues through voting.
Okay, that is 12 ties in a row.
Which leaves us with no time left to practice.
I could bring in a chicken.
Whichever person the chicken runs to, that's who wins.
Well, of course the chicken's gonna run to you.
It's your damn chicken.
I vote you shut up! Oh, hey, hey, hey, calm down! We will never get anything accomplished by fighting amongst ourselves.
Oh! You want some of this, Cheapshot? ( grunting ) Hank, we need to talk about that Roller Derby team your wife bought.
My wife bought a Roller Derby team? You know anything about skates? They're very delicate pieces of machinery.
Accidents happen.
Now, that's a metaphor.
You just tell your wife to close up shop.
I don't need to tell my wife anything! How did my wife buy a Roller Derby team? Oh, hi, Hank! Well, I got to run.
I'm teaching Luanne how to make dinner with leftovers.
Frugal, frugal, frugal.
Peggy, did you buy a Roller Derby team? What?! The things you come up with.
You crazy, crazy man.
We all chipped in to buy it.
Where the heck did you get the money? The same place I got Luanne's share a cash advance.
On our credit card?! ( groans ) You were supposed to be teaching Luanne fiscal responsibility.
God, how am I gonna face the guys at H&R Block when they see this on our return? I know, I know! And now it's a freaking disaster-- we can't agree on anything.
It all seemed so easy in my head.
Everybody would be everybody else's boss.
How could that not have worked? How did you find out anyway? It was Gretta, wasn't it? No, Lane Pratley came by.
And he was making threats.
At least I think he was.
He was kind of weaselly and indirect.
He was making threats? Wait, that means he feels threatened.
Hank, I've got to go fix everything.
Now, that's what you said before you bought a Roller Derby team.
That was false bravado.
This is real bravado, Hank.
You've got to trust me.
Okay, but I'm canceling our credit cards.
PEGGY: Now, I know we all hate each other, but we have too much money invested in this team to quit now.
Heck, I'll go back to dirty phone talk before I skate with you all.
Sit down! Lane Pratley is scared.
He's scared because he thinks our team is a cohesive unit who can show the way to all the other skaters.
He thinks we can pull together to win, and if he thinks all that, maybe we can pretend to do it.
Do what? We're gonna put on a show! We will pretend to like each other just long enough to get Pratley to buy us out.
Then we never have to see each other again.
So here's my plan: I climb this fence and get you a chip.
That's your plan? It took you two days to think of that? I had to cover all the angles.
( loud grunt ) Are you okay? Well, I got some pain here and some suffering here.
Oh, my God, all your teeth are chipped.
Now, to be fair, they was chipped before I got here.
But these contusions and lacerations I place squarely at the feet of your corn chip company.
But you climbed our security fence.
That attractive nuisance is what I call Exhibit A.
Now, I could sue you-- my current quote is $53,000.
Or Oh my God.
Ain't it the truth? Bobby, can you drive a stick shift? And keep me awake? We are family I got all my sisters with me Are you sure they're watching? Of course they're watching.
Smile, I want to see all eight of your teeth.
Shut up, everybody, and sing Dang, I never seen that biggun smile before.
I've seen enough.
All my sisters with me They're leaving.
Did it work? Shut up.
I thought we were done playing other teams.
You said they'd buy us out before we had to skate.
She says lots of things.
Sorry, Aunt Peggy.
Sure they'll be here.
They'd be fools not to be here.
( knocking ) You're up! Okay, we can do this.
It's only one hour, three times a week, indefinitely.
It's just like riding a bicycle that you hate.
I thought we were just doing this for show.
I ain't rolling with y'all.
Yeah, the hell with this.
Excuse me, ladies, a moment of your time.
Actually, we were just about to go skate.
But as a democratically operated team, we will vote to see if we want to talk to you.
It's unanimous.
What do you got? I got $8,000 cash money to buy your team.
Wait, you want to try to buy us with money? Are you gonna write a check for our camaraderie? Are you gonna fill our wallets with good times? ( laughs ) You make me laugh.
Peggy, I've sold enough Hyundais to know exactly where you're coming from.
Now, I'm gonna write a number down on a popcorn bag I guess you ladies have a match to skate-- for me.
So, we have to keep skating together? Just until I cash the check, then we'll never have to see them again.
After all, we don't have contracts.
Here you go! Congratulations, Luanne, your credit cards are now entirely paid up.
Yay! ( sighs ) And Hank, just to show I am a woman of my word-- please look outside.
The Gatsby Collection! Actually, we could only afford the West Egg Ottoman and the Tom and Daisy Recliner.
LUCKY: Scary to think about the road not traveled, huh?