Married with Children s09e10 Episode Script

I once was lost But now I'm found Was blind But now I see Who would like to say a few words on behalf of our dear departed teammate, Skippy? I would.
Who's paying for this? Well, the corpse of honour.
Where were we? - Saying something nice about Skippy.
- Why don't you do it, Al? After all, you're the one that found him wedged in the bathroom stall.
Oh, all right, like I haven't suffered enough.
Skippy was a pal and our centre.
And he was pound for pound the Well, he's the fattest guy I knew.
Hey, Al, could you hurry it up? Halftime's almost over.
And in conclusion, the end.
All right, let's get a little life in here! Let's party! - Boy, I sure am gonna miss old Skippy.
- Yeah, what a guy, huh? Weighed 400 pounds.
How could a guy let himself go that way? I don't know.
Hey, guys, the game's back on.
And welcome back on to the Fox game of the week here on Fox.
But before we here at Fox return you to the Fox game of the week we'd lik e to remind you that you're watching Fox.
We now return you to the Fox game of the week already in progress on Fox.
You know, if I could go back 30 years in time, you know what I would do? Buy a second pair of pants? No, I'd come up with my own little celebration in the end zone.
Like the Ickey Shuffle.
Earnest Givens' Electric Slide.
In fact, if I was going to name my All-Bundy dream team, every guy on it would have to know how to party in the end zone.
Like Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, or Andre Rison, Butch Johnson and of course Of course, me.
Oh, what I wouldn't have given just to have been able to spike the ball in, just one time.
But I guess I have to settle for being on the greatest undefeated team in city history, hey, boys! - Hey! Hey! - Number one! You guys weren't so great.
You know, fella, there's already one funeral in here today.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
I said, undefeated.
You wouldn't have been if you'd played us that year.
Oh, yeah? And who are you? Jack Franklin.
I was halfback at George S.
Patton High.
Patton High.
What's the deal with Patton High? They were the only other undefeated school in the league.
We were supposed to play for the city championship but the game got cancelled.
- Why? Why? Because they were cheaters, that's why.
They used ringers.
Guys 25, 30 years old.
You had guys that old.
They were there honestly.
They were stupid.
Well, I think you're all a bunch of pansies.
Pansies? Pansies.
Hey, didn't they just change Patton High's name to Jacqueline Onassis High? Yeah.
Yeah, and isn't the team now known as the Jackie O First Ladies? First Ladies? I say we still would have beaten you guys.
And there is only one way to settle it.
And that is? So this Sunday we're going down to the park, play football and settle this thing once and for all.
Isn't that great, Peg? No, Al.
Great would be if you flossed.
Dad, not that the pride of watching a middle-aged shoe salesman and friends geezer up and down a football field until they vomit dust won't be enough how are you gonna convince anybody else to play? Yeah, that's true, Daddy.
What if the other teammates have lives? I wouldn't worry about that, pumpkin, if I were you.
These guys all look up to me.
- Not really.
- No.
And besides, the pride of the team is at stake here.
Most of the guys are already here, Peg.
You know Rodent and Bob Rooney and Buster and Speedy.
I called Thad, our quarterback, in California.
He's flying in this morning.
Dad, aren't you forgetting something? Well, I'm trying to, son, but she's sitting right there.
I meant your centre, Dad.
Who's big enough to replace Skippy? That, I am proud to say, is something I have thought of.
Hup one, hup two! I gave him some of your mother's sweat pants she grew out of, Peg.
I even think I'm gonna break my old record.
And this time I'm gonna spike the ball! I just hope our quarterback, Thad, still has his throwing arm.
What am I saying? Thad's the kind of guy that never changes.
Hi, Al, it's me, Thad.
Al, you look just great.
Thad, you look like a freaking woman.
- Thad.
- Peggy.
I thought you dropped off the face of the earth.
Well, not all of me did.
I just love your dress.
And I just love your hair.
- Darling.
- Darling.
So, what are you guys gonna do with the extra cup? Oh, I get it.
It's a gag! Oh, you always were a joker.
That's a good one, Thad.
Well, the ball's in my court now.
Oh, Thad.
I had to do it, Al.
All those years, I felt like a woman trapped inside a man's body.
I just got so tired of it.
Yeah, but, we We all get tired of our cars too we don't rip the doors off.
Now, how are we gonna beat the First Ladies without a quarterback? Jack Franklin.
What brings you to the undefeated neighbourhood? We heard your quarterback is a woman.
Not bad.
Kind of overdid the ta-tas, though.
That's not our quarterback.
Then who is she? I don't know.
I'm Thad.
I'm sure.
Still got your arm, Thad? You make the call.
- Sunday, Bundy.
- We'll be there! With bells on.
- How are you feeling, Al? - Feel good, feel strong.
Nothing can stop me today.
Oh, Al.
I feel bad, I feel weak.
Now, honey, how long is this game gonna take? And I mean long for me.
Not long for you, which is about three and a half minutes.
You see, Peg, the thing is it's meant to be fun.
I mean fun for me, not fun for you which is shouting instructions with a mouth full of crackers.
And what's she doing here? I am here in support of my sister-in-arms, Thad.
I hope that she wins and somehow you don't.
I'm sorry, little boy.
Did you lose your parents? Hey, Daddy.
I have that cheer you wanted me to write.
Finally, someone here who's on my side.
- Let's hear it, pumpkin.
- Okay.
Daddy! To think you weren't planned.
All right, Kelly.
Let's go find our seats before all the good ones are taken.
I am so glad my Jefferson doesn't have to prove his manhood in this way.
- Where is he? - At home dyeing my shoes.
Well, if it isn't Jerk and the Fatman.
- Ready to get your ass kicked, Bundy? - Nice colours, Franklin.
You look like a box of Good & Plenty.
Good & Plenty.
Let's get it on.
Hey, wait for me.
Okay, Franklin, now remember this ain't high school.
- No cheating, no ringers.
- Same for you guys too.
All right, let's get the referee here.
Yo, ref! Okay.
The coin toss, gentlemen.
Ready, son Bud Ref.
Where's the coin? Damn, and I left my purse in the car.
We can't start the game if we don't flip a coin.
- Call it in the air.
- Oh, God.
Tails.
Tails it is.
It's your kick.
Hey, Al, don't some of the First Ladies seem a little big to you? Well, age will do that.
You know, look at Barbara Bush.
Seeing Daddy out on the field of honour like the first time you ever saw him it must be really exciting for you.
Next on Oprah I got it! I got it! Daddy caught it, Ma.
He's at the 20.
He is in the 20.
He's under the 20.
- Way to block, guys.
- We We thought you were gonna go all the way.
Your helmet did.
Thank you.
Al, there's something wrong.
I don't think these are the First Ladies.
Of course they're the First Ladies.
Who the hell else would they be? Excuse me.
Anybody here lose a Super Bowl ring? Excuse me, sir.
I lost one.
All right now, boys, remember, the honour of Polk is at stake here.
Besides, we can't let our fans down.
Al, it's cold.
We're gonna go home, okay? Peg, we're trying to huddle here.
You never wanna huddle with me.
Well, put a helmet and a face mask on and we'll talk about it.
All right, the hell with our fans.
This one's for us and And Baywatch's Pamela Anderson.
Hey, number 56.
You don't look like Morty Fishbein.
Well, I am, you schmuck.
Who'd ever thought little Morty Fishbein would grow up to look like Lawrence Taylor? Think that's something, Eddie Yim grew up to look like Bubba Smith.
Shut up.
Same old Eddie.
Except now he appears to be a giant black man.
Hey, Al.
I'd swear that's Rod Martin Hacksaw Reynolds and Kenny Stabler over there.
Jefferson, there's nobody over there but pink punks.
And what do Polk High Panthers do to pink punks? Pulverize the powder puffs! Let's rock.
- Had enough, Bundy? - I have not.
Neither have I.
Who said that? Come on, Al.
You okay? Two-minute warning.
Look, Al, I may not know anything about the First Ladies but I know a ringer when I see one.
And you, sir, are a ringer! - Bubba! - Oh, no.
So just going out for some milk, huh? Well The Snake, L.
T.
And Hacksaw were gonna play.
If I didn't play they'd call me a sissy and give me the business.
Holy moly, here come the wives.
Talking about your fearsome foursome.
Well? Baby, have I told you lately how pretty your eyes look? Oh, really? And what colour would they be? So you are Lawrence Taylor.
And you are Kenny Stabler.
And you are Hacksaw Reynolds.
And you are Rod Martin.
And you are Eddie Yim.
Franklin, you cheating pink weenie.
- So you did use ringers.
- Like we needed them.
You guys couldn't score with your own wives.
And we're proud of that.
We can score on you.
New game.
Sudden death.
And I don't care if it takes all night.
Excuse me, Dad.
Your permit for the field runs out in 10 minutes.
And I don't care if it takes 10 minutes, which is nine more than I need.
If I don't personally score on you I will dance totally nude at the sports bar in front of everybody except Thad and the wife.
Then we both win.
I did it.
I did it! Polk rules! - Dad - Out of my way, son.
- You're in my spotlight.
- You spiked it on the 5-yard line.
What? What is it with you football guys? You pound on each other, you abuse your own bodies why do you do it? - It's a man's thing.
- Yeah.
- Commitment to excellence.
- And it gets you out of the house.
But most of all, we do it for pride.