Seinfeld s09e10 Episode Script

So Whatley's still Jewish, huh? Sure, without the parents, it's a breeze.
- Hey, Happy Hanukkah.
- Hey, Tim.
Great party.
Yeah.
Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets.
Oh, you're still in good with the ground crew.
That's good.
Look, I'd better circulate.
Happy Hanukkah, Tiffany.
This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.
I'm gonna get more of these kosher cocktail franks.
Oh, I got Denim Vest checking me out.
Fake phone number's coming out tonight.
Oh, you have a standard fake? Spell's out "No Elaine.
" - Isn't that eight letters? - The extra E is for That's neat.
No, please.
Denim Vest.
He's smoothing it.
Jerry.
God.
Hi.
- Hi, I'm Jerry.
- Hi.
You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast.
Nice vest.
I like the big metal buttons.
They're snaps.
Listen, maybe we should go out sometime? Why don't I give you my phone number? How did it go with that girl? Great, I'm going out with her tomorrow night.
- How did it go with the franks? - Great.
Ate the entire platter.
- Had to call in sick today.
- Didn't you call in sick yesterday? Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing.
- We don't care and it shows.
- You gotta open your mail here? Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this.
"Have you seen me?" Nope.
There's something from Whatley.
See? You give and you get.
This is what I'm trying to teach you.
This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance? - Oh, that's nice.
I got him Yankee tickets.
He's saying, "I gave your gift to someone else.
" - To a children's charity.
- Don't you see how wrong that is? Where's your Christmas spirit? An eye for an eye.
Do me a favor, don't give me anything this year.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, nothing for me.
- I'm going to Atomic Sub later.
- Why are you eating there? I got a card and they stamp it every time I buy a sub.
Twenty-four stamps and I become a submarine captain.
What does that mean? Free sub.
- What? - Nothing.
It's a card from my dad.
- What is it? - Elaine.
Dear son, Happy Festivus.
- What is Festivus? - It's nothing.
Stop it.
- When George was growing - No.
His father hated all the commercial religious aspects of Christmas.
- Yeah? - He made up his own holiday.
Oh, and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
- All right.
- And instead of a tree didn't your father put up an aluminum pole? - Stop it.
- Weren't there feats of strength that ended up with you crying? I can't take it anymore.
I'm going to work.
You happy now? Hey, neighbor.
Are you reading my VCR manual? Well, we can't all be reading the classics, Professor High Brow.
Oh, I can't believe it.
I've lost my Atomic Sub card.
Oh, no.
I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to Denim Vest.
- So? I've eaten 23 bad subs.
I just need one more.
It's like a long bad movie, but you wanna see the end of it.
- No, you walk out.
- All right.
Then it's like a boring book.
You gotta finish it.
No, you wait for the movie.
I want that free sub.
You don't need the card.
High-end hoagie outfit like that.
It's all computerized.
Technology.
They're cloning sheep now.
No, no, no.
They're not cloning sheep.
It's the same sheep.
I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin Show.
Now I gotta get ahold of Denim Vest.
Why don't you try your blow off number, see if he's called it? That's a good idea.
Yeah, go.
What? Really? Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Bye.
Great news.
Yeah, the strike's been settled.
I'm going back to work.
- What strike? - H & H Bagels.
That's where I worked.
- You? - Worked? - Bagels? - Yeah, look, see? I still have my business card.
Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.
Hey, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there.
But I haven't seen them in a long time.
H & H wouldn't let us use their bathroom while we were picketing.
They were cramping our solidarity.
What were your demands? Yeah, five thirty-five an hour, and that's what they're paying now.
I believe that's the new minimum wage.
And now you know who to thank for that.
- All right, I gotta go.
- Why didn't you ever mention this? Well, Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work.
It's embarrassing.
All right, everybody, I'm back.
- Who are you? - Cosmo Kramer.
Strike's over.
Oh, yeah, Kramer.
Didn't any of the other guys come back? No.
I'm sure they all got other jobs like 10 years ago.
What? Man.
Well, it kind of makes you wonder what it was all for.
I could use someone for the holidays.
All right.
Toss me an apron.
Let's bagel.
- What are those? - Those are raisin bagels.
I never thought I'd live to see that.
So anyway, I've been giving out your phone number as my standard fake.
So you're Elaine Benes.
We've been getting calls for you for five years.
So listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number.
Hey, Charlie, guess who's here? Elaine Benes.
Elaine Benes? Elaine Benes.
You make a lot of man friends.
You know who's a man? Charlie here.
He's a man.
You know who else? Me.
- I'm a man.
- I'm a man.
Oh, my.
I'll have this Vest guy call your real number.
You just give it to me and that way I'll have it.
My number? Okay.
Well, here you go.
And tell you what, put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.
Hey, Jerry.
- Hey, Tim.
- What's up? I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party.
Jerry.
Hi.
- Gwen? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
Come on, our table's ready.
So attractive one day, not attractive the next.
- Have you come across this? - Yes, I am familiar with the syndrome.
- She's a two-face.
- Like the Batman villain? If that helps you.
If I ask her out again, I don't know who's showing up.
The good, the bad, or the ugly.
- Clint Eastwood.
- Yeah.
Hey, check this out.
I gotta give Christmas presents at Kruger so I'm pulling a Whatley.
A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund.
- What is that? - Made it up.
The Human Fund.
Money for people.
What do you think? It has a certain understated stupidity.
The Outlaw Josey Wales.
Yeah.
- Bagels on the house.
- Hey.
- How was your first day? - Oh, fantastic.
It felt so good to get my hands back in that dough.
- Your hands were in the dough? - No, I didn't make these bagels.
Yeah, they're day-olds.
The homeless won't even touch them.
We try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top but they dig, they test.
- All right.
I'm out of here.
- Happy Festivus.
- What's Festivus? - When George was - No.
- His father Stop it.
It's nothing.
It's a stupid holiday my father invented.
It doesn't exist.
Happy Festivus, Georgie.
Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific.
Kramer.
Listen, I got a little phone relay going.
So if a guy calls H & H and he's looking for me, you take a message.
You're still trying to get that free sub? Hey, I have spent a lot of time and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today, and I am not throwing it all away now.
Is there a captain's hat involved in this? Maybe.
Kramer, I got your message.
I haven't celebrated Festivus in years.
- What is your interest? - Well, just tell me everything.
Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son.
I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man.
As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
- What happened to the doll? - It was destroyed.
But out of that a new holiday was born.
A Festivus for the rest of us.
That must have been some kind of doll.
She was.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, Sandy, here is a little something for you.
Thanks.
Phil, loved those cigars.
Incoming.
- Mr.
Kruger, sir.
Merry Christmas.
- Not if you could see our books.
- What is this? - The Human Fund.
- Whatever.
- Exactly.
Merry Christmas.
And at the Festivus dinner you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
- And is there a tree? - No.
Instead there's a pole.
Requires no decoration.
I find tinsel distracting.
Frank, this new holiday of yours, it's scratching me right where I itch.
- Let's do it then.
- All right.
Festivus is back.
I'll get the pole out of the crawl space.
- Hello, Frank.
- Hello, woman.
Kramer.
Kramer.
Any word from the Vest? No, no.
Listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.
Hey, I hired you to work during the holidays.
This is the holidays.
- But it's Festivus.
- What? You're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays.
- That's not a right.
- Well, it's going to be because I'm going back on strike.
Yeah, it's a walkout.
I gotta stay and wait for the call.
You're siding with management? - No.
I'm just - Scab.
Scab.
Scab.
- Hey.
- Boy, am I glad to see you.
- You were expecting someone else? - You never know.
You know, you might want to take the tunnel.
So, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian? I could go either way.
You're telling me.
So she was switching back and forth? The whole time.
She was like a 3D baseball card that changes depending on the angle.
So one minute she's pretty and at the plate and the next she's ugly and advancing the runners.
- So, what happened next? - Well, we stopped by here and the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there.
Just bring her here.
This is all you really need.
I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop.
I mean, what if things, you know, progress? Lights out.
All right, I'll give it a shot.
I do really like this coffee shop.
- Nice cuff links, by the way.
- Office Christmas gift.
I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine.
That's not a French cuff shirt, you know? I know, I cut the button off and poked a hole.
Oh, that's classy.
Well, happy Festivus.
What is that? Is that the pole? George, Festivus is your heritage.
It's part of who you are.
That's why I hate it.
There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house.
Everyone's invited.
George you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all.
I brought one of the cassette tapes.
- Read that poem.
- I can't read it.
I need my glasses.
You don't need glasses.
You're just weak.
You're weak.
Leave him alone.
All right, George.
It's time for the Festivus feats of strength.
Oh, no.
Turn it off.
There's no feats of strength.
I hate Festivus.
We had some good times.
- Hey.
- Hi, there.
This is Kramer and Frank.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- So you ready to go? - Why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up.
Now, this is a good-looking booth.
Get Festivus.
Hey, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel.
Hey, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich.
I want the one that I earned.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
H & H and Elaine.
Elaine, you should get out of there.
I sabotaged the bagel machine last night.
It's going down.
- What did you do? - You've been warned.
Oh, hi.
- Hey, the steam valve broke.
- Can we still make bagels? Sure.
It's just a little steamy.
How do you like your bagels now? George, I got something for you.
I'm supposed to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it.
They all seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? - Twenty thousand dollars? - Made out to the Human Fund.
Gee.
Oh, damn, I've locked myself out of my office again.
All right.
I'm going home.
Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this place? Why? It's our place.
I just found a rubber band in my soup.
Well, I know who's cooking today.
- Hey, surprise, surprise.
- Hey, Georgie.
I think I'm just gonna go.
I'll be here.
- Hey, soup.
- She didn't touch it.
Paco.
Hey, take a look at this.
Twenty thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this.
- I don't know.
- Excuse me? I've been thinking, this might be my chance to start giving back.
You wanna give something back? Start with the $20,000.
- I'm serious.
- You're gonna start your own charity? I think I could be a philanthropist.
A kick-ass philanthropist.
I would have all this money and people would love me.
Then, they would come to me and beg.
And if I felt like it, I would help them out and then, they would owe me big time.
The first thing I'm gonna need is a driver.
No bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel.
Kramer, Vest just called.
Yamahama, it's fright night.
Oh, yeah.
I got a little steam bath.
Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that Atomic Sub card.
And? Free sub.
- I'll see you.
- Yeah.
- Kramer.
Hi.
- Oh, hello.
It's Gwen.
We met at the coffee shop.
I'm dating your friend, Jerry.
Oh, I don't know who you really are but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend and she's not you.
You're much better looking and like a foot taller.
That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop.
- He's afraid of getting caught.
- Oh, he's a tomcat.
Steve.
- It's Elaine.
- From Tim Whatley's party? - Yeah.
- You look different.
I see you're still sticking with the denim.
Do you have that card that I gave you? Well, I had it back at my place but I can't go there now.
I'll give it to you later or something.
No, no, no.
You give me your number.
Okay.
Sure.
- Do you have the mumps? - No.
- Typhoid? - No.
Yamahama.
A fake number.
Blimey.
George, we've got a problem.
There's a memo here from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.
Well, there could be.
But there isn't.
Well, I could I could give the money back.
Here.
George, I don't get it.
If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake.
You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
Well, sir, I gave out the fake card because I don't really celebrate Christmas.
I celebrate Festivus.
- Vemonus? - Festivus, sir.
And I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs.
They drove my family out of Bayside, sir.
- Are you making all this up too? - Oh, no, sir.
Festivus is all too real and I could prove it if I have to.
Yeah, you probably should.
- Happy Festivus.
- George.
This is a surprise.
- Who's the suit? - Yo, Dad, this is my boss Mr.
Kruger.
- Have you seen the pole? - No, he doesn't need to see the pole.
He's gonna see it.
Happy Festivus.
Yamahama.
I didn't have time to go home.
What are you doing here? - Embracing my roots.
- They nailed you on the 20 G's? Busted cold.
It's made from aluminum.
Very high strength to weight ratio.
I find your belief system fascinating.
Hey, Happy Festivus, everyone.
- Hello, again, Miss Benes.
- What are you doing here? Damnedest thing.
Me and Charlie were calling to ask you out and we got this bagel place.
I told them I was just about to see you.
It's a Festivus miracle.
- Dinner's ready.
- Let's begin.
Dr.
Van Nostrand.
Oh, that's right.
Welcome, newcomers.
The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances.
I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it.
Yo, Kruger.
My son tells me your company stinks.
Oh, God.
Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute.
Kruger.
You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe I lost my train of thought.
- Jerry.
- Gwen? - How did you know I was here? - Kramer told me.
Another Festivus miracle.
I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.
Hey, I was in a shvitz for six hours.
Give me a break.
Gwen.
Gwen, wait.
Bad lighting on the porch.
- Hey, how did my horse do? - He had to be shot.
And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.
Not the feats of strength.
This year the honor goes to Mr.
Kramer.
Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
I have to work a double shift at H & H.
- I thought you were on strike.
- Yeah, well, I caved.
I mean, I really had to use their bathroom.
Frank, no offense, but this holiday's a little out there.
Hey, Kramer, you can't go.
Who's gonna do the feats of strength? How about George? Good thinking, Cougar.
Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over.
Oh, please.
Somebody stop this.
Let's rumble.
- I think you can take him, Georgie.
- Hey, come on.
Be sensible.
Stop crying and fight your father.
- Oh, I give.
I give.
- This is the best Festivus ever.
All right.
That's enough.
You're fired.
Thank you.