The King of Queens s09e10 Episode Script

Morning, douglas.
What you got going on there, greased lightning? It happens to be called style.
As the entertainment director at the senior center, It's important that i maintain a certain image.
Well, if you're trying for the stuart little look, You nailed it.
I'm not going to let your little gibes get to me, douglas, Because i just booked one of the greatest singers of all time- Ava st.
Clair.
Who? Ava st.
Clair, The youngest of the st.
Clair sisters! Oh, the youngest, yeah, never heard of her.
Of course you have.
Remember her big hit? My candy store's closed That's how it's gonna be Still nothing.
Hermione gingold did a hilarious parody version! Ok, stop saying names i never heard, And you're not using those breath strips i gave you, are you? Deacon, what's the first thing you think of When i say, "lick my lollipop"? Um No.
Hey, i grabbed your mail for you.
Oh, thanks.
What the heck is this? "We are pleased to inform you "That your apartment in stuyvesant towers "Has become available.
You have 30 days from the above date to respond.
" You guys moving to manhattan? No.
Oh, my god.
This is from when, like, we first got married.
Yeah, it's a one-Bedroom, Laundry's in the basement, And you get full doorman service.
Let me just take this.
Feel free to look around.
This is burt.
How great is this? And i think it's some kind of rent control-Y thing, So we can actually afford it.
Yeah, it's just kinda small, isn't it? Yes, of course it is.
It's manhattan.
But you know what? We're right across the street from the park.
And you said you wanted to start training For your marathon, right? Yeah, it's 3 weeks away, I don't want to peak too early.
You know what else they do in the park? They have this whole shakespeare festival.
I mean, we could watch it from our window! Carrie, you know me, i'm all over shakespeare, But wouldn't it be more practical To get a place out in queens? This way we have a house, we got our yard.
You know, we'll be near our friends.
We can get a dog with, like, half a tail.
I always feel bad for those guys.
Come on, let's go check out the bedroom.
Man, she's really got a thing for living in the city.
Well, i should tell you this unit's rented, And the waiting list for this building is pretty long.
How long? Believe it or not, could be 5, 10 years.
Who knows? Really? So, you really want this, huh? Yeah, it's always been my dream.
Well, then i say we do it.
Really? You would do this for me? Carrie, you're my wife now.
So, that means your dream is my dream.
God, my dad was so wrong about you.
So, basically, you lied to the person you love most.
And got rewarded.
We went to k.
F.
C.
That night.
God, that's carrie.
I'd better not let her see this.
Why not? Because she never really got over the whole manhattan thing And i don't want to get her all revved up again.
Well, how can you do it anyways? It's a one bedroom and you got arthur.
Oh, my god, you're right.
I forgot about the crazy old man.
You know what? I bet you i could use this, Get a little extra credit, And maybe a return trip to k.
F.
C.
Oh, you got the mail.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just nothing but bills, bills, bills, You know what i'm saying? Oh, what is this? Stuyvesant towers? Oh, my gosh, carrie, You remember that apartment in the city We signed up for years ago? Uh-Huh.
Well, it's available.
Man What? Yeah.
Oh, my god, i totally forgot about this.
Yeah, me too.
You don't want to move to the city, right? I don't know, man, it is your dream, right? Yeah.
Well, like 10 years ago i said, you know, Whatever your dream is, Is my dream, too.
You would do this? Look, do i love living in queens? Yeah.
Do i love you more? You betcha.
So, i'm going to call right now and reserve it, ok? I can't think of any reason why not.
I mean, can you? No! Ok, let's do it! I'll wait for you in the car.
Ah, let me see that.
I - I just want to make sure we're not forgetting, You know, something or Somebody.
Oh, my-My dad.
We can't do it.
It's a one-Bedroom.
God, gut-Punch.
Well, that was exciting for about 2 seconds.
All right, well, i'll just call them later And tell them to take us off the list.
I'm so sorry, babe.
That's ok, you tried.
I did try.
You know what? Tonight, i say we get us some comfort food.
Yes! Pick us up some sushi.
I'm sorry to disturb you, miss st.
Clair, I just wanted to let you know We're running a few minutes behind.
Nothing major.
Our sound man's suffering chest pains.
Well, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going on.
What? But we have a full house.
Send them home.
Nobody wants to see some horrible, aging diva.
You're not horrible, you're ava st.
Clair! No, i'm not.
I am esther levine from brooklyn.
I don't know.
Who am i fooling? I should've retired years ago, When i could still sing worth a damn.
And why didn't i marry vic damone when i had the chance? Miss st.
Clair, can i tell you a little story? I don't care.
The year was 1962, And my pencil eraser business had just gone belly-Up.
Pens had become all the rage.
I was flat broke, My fiancée left me, I didn't want to live anymore.
Well, you're still here, so what happened? I was in horn and hardart's, having a cup of hot water and lemon.
Suddenly a song came on the radio.
It gave me the will to go on.
What, my song saved your life? Yes, and i also realized I couldn't off myself if i wanted to, I'm very much a coward.
Spooner, The concession stand is almost out of pudding.
We're about 5 minutes from this place turning into attica.
Well, cue the band! Ava st.
Clair is in the house! Whoo! Oh, yeah! You can't stop me, You can only hope to contain me! Y- You know what? You-You and deacon versus us isn't fair, man.
You didn't hear us crying when you kicked our ass at pictionary.
All right, well, At least give us an asthma break.
You got 40 seconds.
So, what happened with that whole, uh, apartment thing? Oh, it's dead.
Thanks to arthur, i'm staying right here in queens.
What? Carrie wants to move? Yeah.
I got the same problem with pudgy.
Ok, would someone tell lord dipwad That buying a house Is a sound financial investment? Y - You pay rent, you're just throwing money down a rat hole.
Yeah, w-Well, so is spending $1,000 on massage school.
Oh, well, i didn't hear your feet complaining last night.
Thank you! Oh, i think they liked me, They really liked me.
Liked you? If they had their teeth in, they'd eat you alive.
Oh, and arthur, i couldn't have done it without you.
I mean it.
You were the wind beneath my wings.
Imagine that.
I'm ava st.
Clair's wind.
You know, arthur, i've been looking For somebody to, uh, help me with the rest of my tour.
Would you be interested? Are you serious? Oh, obviously i would pay you.
Nonsense! Working with ava st.
Clair would be payment enough.
Oh, wonderful.
Of course, i'd expect you to cover my travel expenses.
Absolutely.
And i'd need a new suit And some walking-Around money.
Are you sure you don't want me to just pay you? I will not take a dime! Ow! Crap.
Hey, dad, dinner's ready.
That'll have to wait.
I've got big news.
If this is an eczema update, Ok, i'm still reeling from last week.
No, no.
I'm getting married.
What? To who? Miss ava st.
Clair.
After her tour, we're getting hitched in tahoe And settling in her house in rockland county.
Ok, dad.
You're not getting married.
Look, I understand you're threatened by Another woman in my life.
Ok, so, here's what i need you to do.
I need you to take a couple of your blue pills, Go downstairs, and have yourself a nice long nap, And we'll talk about this later, ok? I'm a grown man! Stop treating me like a child! Well, stop acting like a child, ok? There's no way i'm letting you get married to somebody you just met.
I'm sorry, but you're staying right here.
Unless You really, really like her.
We can do it! Huh? We can move to the city! What about arthur? Remember him? Old guy, smells like cheese, even when he hasn't had any.
He's getting married.
To who? To that woman who sings That stupid lollipop song.
She has a big house, and she's letting him move in with her.
I'm telling you, it's like fate! Carrie, wait.
He's done this, like, a million times before, He moves out and then he comes right back here.
He's like an old, wrinkly boomerang.
No, it's different this time, i know it.
Oh, why? Because he's marrying a complete stranger? D- Do you even know her name? Of course i know her name.
It's ava ava something.
Oh, that's good daughtering right there, You don't even know her last name.
I know what it's going to be.
Spooner.
Ha, come on, give me some knuckles on that one, buddy! Would you listen to yourself? Ok, look, doug, i talked to her on the phone, And she sounds like a very nice woman.
You know, she was on merv griffin 53 times? Now, do you think he'd have somebody on the show that many times If they were a bad person? No.
No, baby.
Come on, i know you love living in queens, But you're going to love the city.
It's like a new adventure for us.
And guess what? With the money we make on selling this house, You can finally get your go-Kart.
It's all coming together! Oh, i'm getting that go-Kart, But we're not moving anywhere.
May i help you? Yes, i'm, uh, here to see arthur spooner.
Oh, it's all right, marta, He's my son-In-Law.
Oh, and, marta, could you have nils bring the car around? I have a yen for frozen yogurt.
So, what brings you by? Huh, it's just, everything happened sort of fast, And i just wanted to make sure you were ok here.
You know, because you had it pretty good back at our house.
I lived in a cold, wet basement.
Yeah, but we got you that space heater.
Which caught fire.
Yeah, Because you dried your socks on it! Because they were wet from the basement! Ok! We can go round and round about this.
All right, the point is pack your things.
You're coming home with me.
Let's go.
Douglas, i'm living the life of riley here.
What's going on? You want the truth? The truth is Well, i miss you.
Really? I had no idea you felt that way.
It's because i'm one of those people Who keeps their feelings bottled up.
But i can't hide it anymore, I- I need my yahtzee buddy.
But the last time we played, you shoved the dice in my mouth.
Sometimes i love you so much I gotta hurt you.
Well, i'm staying here.
But i'll try and carve out some time for you on weekends.
You know what? That's not good enough for me, arthur.
I want you to get your stuff now.
You're coming home.
I'm afraid that won't be happening.
Oh, i'm afraid it will.
Oh, i think not! All right, listen to me, arthur.
All right, for the last 10 years, I've had to watch you chew your food With your mouth open And cut your toenails on my bed.
All right, now you can finally do some good for me.
So, you're coming home with me.
You know, we can do this the easy way Or we can do this the hard way.
Ok, what's that button? Just letting the nyack police know That a big-Boned intruder is in my house.
Hey, hey, guys, We're about to have an open house, You're gonna have to scoot.
Really? 'Cause we had no idea.
Yeah, that's funny.
I mean, because we were actually thinking about buying a house.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, it'd have to be a really great deal Because we don't really love the place.
I mean, we like it like it, We just don't love it love it.
Well, i would want you to buy anything you didn't love.
So, let's go.
Wait, c-Can we at least look around? Ok, fine.
But don't do anything weird.
Isn't living in the city delightful? And our first cocktail party, it's a hit.
Ok, i'm going to need about 500 more of these.
So, when i found out ivana was having Her fundraiser for the hospital on friday, I moved my auction for the homeless to thursday.
Well played, carrie.
Doug, right? Yeah.
Hi, i'm tucker carlson.
I live right across the hall.
If you ever want to swing by and talk politics, Door is always open.
No! Doug, come on, get up.
Hmm? Come on, people are going to be Coming through here any minute, hon.
For what? For the open house! Carrie, listen, i really think- Oh, and look what i got.
Keys? To our apartment in the city.
I- I don't want to do it! What? I don't want to move.
Doug, what are - You said you were ok with this, That my dream was your dream.
Yeah, i only said that Because i knew we couldn't do it Because of your father.
Oh, god.
I can't believe you would do this! Look, carrie, if i had a magic carpet i'd go back in time And i'd do things differently, but i don't! Ok, magic carpets don't go back in time.
Yes, they do.
No, they don't.
They take you from one place to another, magically, But they don't go back in time.
Fine, fine, then i would go in a time machine, They go back in time, don't they? Yeah- Yeah, i guess they do, And if i had one i would go back before i even met you.
Hello! This is the master.
You can see that there's lots of closet space.
Is there copper plumbing? No, it's rusty lead.
Now, beat it.
Beat it! Look, doug, I - I understand you don't want to move to the city, And i know why you lied to me, But this is important to me.
And if there was something that you dreamed of your whole life, And i could give it to you, i would.
That's perfect, carrie.
Because you know what my dream is? To live in a house without an old man living in the basement.
Let's start there.
What do you say, dream weaver? Huh? Oh, all right, what are you doing? Oh, ok.
Carrie, i understand, ok, i get it, you're mad.
All right, you don't have to fake pack.
Excuse me.
What's so great about the city, anyway? You know, it's crowded, it's polluted, And according to the planet of the apes, It's not going to be there very long, all right? So, what is that? What are you doing? You-You leaving me? No, doug, i am moving to our apartment in the city, And i hope you join me.
Well, i'm not going anywhere, ok? In fact, i don't think i'm ever leaving this bedroom.
You know what? Go.
I'm glad you're leaving.
Good, i'm going.
Good.
Good! Uh, carrie? What? Umm Could our inspector come by tomorrow? We're not selling! Yes, we are.
At this point, i'd friggin' give the house away.
Fine, go to your fancy manhattan.
You know, and i'll be here, keeping it real.
She'll be back in 5-4-3-2