Big Bang Theory s09e11 Episode Script

(Star Wars fanfare playing) Guys, tickets already went on sale! What?! They're not supposed to be available yet.
I don't know what to tell you, but they're on sale! What? Wait.
You're sure they're Star Wars tickets? No, it's Steel Magnolias 2: Even Steelier.
The Web site's frozen.
I can't get in! LEONARD: Yeah, me, too.
WOLOWITZ: Same here! Guys, they're gonna sell out! What are we gonna do?! All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Lord This is Sheldon Cooper.
You're good friends with my mom.
I know I've spent my life denying that you exist.
Got 'em! And I will continue to do so! Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! I'm really happy you and Amy are back together.
Oh, thank you.
I'm also really happy, but I can't pretend it's for you.
New Star Wars in three days! Hey, Thursday can't get here soon enough.
I'm taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.
Uh, sweetie, you do realize Thursday is Amy's birthday.
And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didn't need anything in that case, 'cause it's closed.
You guys just got back together.
You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.
I think Penny has a point.
You can see it another day.
But someone might spoil the movie.
No one can spoil Amy's birthday for me.
Surprise! She's even older.
Who saw that coming? Oh, that's nice.
Put that on her cake.
(whirring) Oh, great.
This again.
Arthur, what brings you back? Uh, beats me.
I-I just hope this isn't a-a sex dream.
In the past, you've come to me when I'm struggling with a dilemma.
And-and the one time where where you were afraid, and you needed me for for a night light.
What's-what's troubling you? Well my friends are telling me I shouldn't abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.
Well, sounds right.
Can can I get out of this muumuu now? Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.
And they they-they don't wear underwear.
So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere? Uh, do do you love this girl? Yes.
But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.
Well, maybe you should show her how how important she is to you.
By seeing the movie she'd want me to see? Sheldon, you-you can see this movie whenever you want.
But you only have a limited number of days that you-you can be with this woman.
Be with her.
You're right.
Great.
Where are you going? I don't know, but hopefully, somewhere I can wear pants.
(cell phone ringtone playing) Sheldon, what's wrong? I wanted to let you know I'll be spending your birthday with you.
Okay.
See, I-I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.
Obi-what? I'll-I'll let you get back to sleep now.
Good night.
Okay.
Good night.
Wait.
Um, Sheldon, were you actually not gonna spend my birthday with me? It's late.
Got to go.
Bye.
Good for Sheldon deciding to stay with Amy on her birthday.
I know.
It's still gonna be weird to see the movie without him.
Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together.
(loud laughter) Hello.
Hey.
We're going to the comic book store.
You want to come? No, I can't.
I need to make preparations for Amy's birthday.
Which leads me to the following bit of business.
This is my ticket to Star Wars.
I don't have to tell you it is worth far more than its face value of $15.
50.
I trust you'll give it to someone worthy.
You got it.
Well, Penny might want to join us.
This is my ticket to Star Wars.
(knocking) SHELDON: Penny.
Penny? (knocking) (knocking) Penny? What happens if I say, “Come in”? Well, find out.
Come in! (knocking) Bernadette? (knocking) Bernadette? Bernadette? Come in! SHELDON: Keep it up.
I got nowhere else to be.
Just come in.
For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I'll stream it on Netflix.
We're sorry.
What do you need? Well, as you know, I'll be celebrating Amy's birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.
Sure.
Well, so far, I've come up with three ideas.
The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.
A.
Philharmonic.
Wow.
You can really arrange that? Well, I said a chance, you know.
When you tell them it's your birthday at Bennigan's, they make a fuss.
I don't see why the Philharmonic would be any different.
How about something a little more realistic? Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival.
Sorry.
I was waiting for the bazinga.
Hold on.
It could be romantic.
The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin.
No, no, no, no.
She'd be going alone.
Well, if you think I'm afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.
Okay, well, what's the third option? That I have coitus with her.
(glass shatters on floor) What do you think about giving Sheldon's ticket to Stuart? I don't know.
Have you ever seen a movie with Stuart before? It's like going with your grandpa.
Instead of eating popcorn, he brings little pieces of chicken in Tupperware and a thermos full of soup.
He's not that bad.
Hey, Stuart, got any plans Thursday night? My, uh my doctor's worried about my circulation, Well Hey, you guys.
Oh, make sure to wear sensible shoes.
Wil, want to go to Star Wars Thursday? Absolutely.
Fine, take Wil.
See if he brings you clam chowder.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Let's-let's let's just recap our options.
All right, we've got harp thing, sheep thing Wild thang.
Which do you think she'd prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there's only Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you.
Yeah, are you ready for this? Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I'd like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.
Sheldon, that's so beautiful.
Then it's settled.
Amy's birthday present will be my genitals.
Thanks for taking me out.
Well, you're spending your birthday with Sheldon.
Why not celebrate early? So where do you want to go? I heard that new Mexican place on Green Street is good.
Sure, sure.
Or we could take you to get a bikini wax.
Why would I get a bikini wax for my birthday? Uh, I don't know.
It was just a thought.
I think I'll just stick to Mexican.
Great.
And then maybe after, we can watch a dirty movie, and if anybody has any questions about what happened or how, we can answer them.
Okay, what is going on? Oh, we just want you to be prepared for any surprises that might happen tomorrow.
What surprises? Oh.
We don't want to spoil anything, but you should know that Sheldon said he's ready to be physical.
You shut your damn mouth! You actually heard him say this? Yes.
He said he wants to do something to show you how much you mean to him.
(exhales) I-I can't believe it.
I I don't know what to say.
Well, we're really happy for you, and we know how much he cares I do know what to say! Let's get me waxed! (whirring) Why isn't it ever Angie Dickinson's bedroom? You're back.
It-it doesn't seem like it's up to me.
I suppose you're here because I've decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I've never done that before.
E-Excuse me for a moment.
(lightsaber humming) Well, it was worth a shot.
So, can you help me? Uh, all right.
Um once-once the man gets the-the woman out of her out of her bloomers Oh, no.
Not that.
I-I understand the mechanics.
Oh, good, good.
'Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their-their parts.
I think they say “junk.
” What is happening to this world? What-what do you actually need to know? This is an important night for us, and I'm worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.
Sheldon, if-if you're with the right person, it-it'll be okay.
Thank you, Arthur.
You are the wisest of the wise.
Well, that's-that's very nice of you to say, but I think I'm just an expression of Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Well, you're fun to look at.
Tonight's the night! Yeah, the wait is finally over! I know.
Then you'll finally stop talking about it! Ready to go? Let's do this.
Have fun, guys! We will.
I can't believe Sheldon gave this up.
I know.
We're gonna have so much more fun than him.
(singsongy): No, they're not.
Knowing them, they will.
(indistinct chatter) T minus 15 minutes! Oh, did you hear from Wil? Yeah, he's on his way.
Time for bladder check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Wait.
Screw it.
I'm holding it.
(crowd booing) What is everyone booing at? (booing continues) Hey, guys.
What's up? Um, hey, Wil.
What you doin'? I was on Star Trek.
I'm just rooting for the home team.
MAN: Star Trek stinks! Yeah? Live long and suck it! (romantic music playing) (knocking) SHELDON: Birthday girl.
Birthday girl.
Birthday girl.
Come in! Oh! Hi, Sheldon.
Hello.
Sorry I'm late.
I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.
That's okay.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Um, I'll I'm gonna go put these in water.
Okay.
Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.
Do you like it? It's kind of spooky.
I can change it back.
No, no, no.
It's your birthday.
As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I'll be fine.
(panting) So What'd you have in mind for tonight? I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner.
If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.
Um, that sounds nice, but I'm not really hungry right now.
I thought maybe we could do presents first.
Oh.
All right.
Um I should probably tell you something about this gift.
You mean before you (suggestively): give it to me? Yes.
May I ask you a question before I (suggestively): give it to you? Of course.
Why are we saying “give it to you” like that? Sheldon, I know your present is for us to be intimate tonight.
I see.
Is that all right? I'm sorry, but this is a litigious society.
I'm gonna need verbal consent.
Yes.
You know what, let me pull a quick contract off the Internet.
So, if you don't like Star Wars, why are you here? Oh, I'm just having fun.
Everyone takes Star Wars so seriously.
Like if the movie's bad, it's gonna ruin their lives.
Is it bad? Did you hear something? Oh, my God.
It's bad.
Somebody kill me.
See? That's what I mean.
When you wake up in the morning, whether this is the greatest movie ever or a total piece of crap, your life isn't gonna change at all.
He's right.
Yeah.
No matter what happens, we're coming back tomorrow to watch it again.
Do you think Sheldon's actually gonna go through with it? I don't know.
He said he's ready.
Yeah, but he also swore this was the year he'd be able to pull the guts out of a pumpkin.
Well, I'm gonna stay positive.
I mean, we talked.
I told him what women like, and after he stopped giggling, he seemed pretty sure of himself.
Hi.
Hello.
So, um should I get under the covers with you? All right.
(clears throat) Hello.
Hi! Why are you shaking? Are you cold? I'm just, um really nervous.
Why? Well I've been waiting for this for so long, I've just built it up in my head.
I don't know what to expect.
Neither do I.
But we can find out together.
Okay.
I'm really nervous.
I know.
We've been waiting so long for this.
And we've built it up in our heads so much.
Guys, it's just a movie.
That's true.
He's right.
It is.
Although, we all remember Jar Jar.
Leonard, I-I'm scared again.
Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.
Me, too.
I look forward to your next birthday when we do it again.
That works for me.
I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.
I don't think I can walk right now.
ARTHUR: Uh, Sheldon? Sheldon.
Arthur.
What are you doing here? I-I don't think I need any more advice.
I-I was just curious.
How-How'd it go? Oh.
It was amazing.
I-I saw it a few days later.
What a movie.
But, uh, what-what about Amy? Oh.
Uh, uh, she liked it fine.
But she doesn't have the history with the franchise I do.
Okay.
Good good talk.