Family Guy s09e11 Episode Script
German Guy
It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Everyone, we need to discuss our problem with Chris.
His Iittle habit of, uh, personal amusement is getting way out of hand.
I mean, Iook at this.
What's that, some kind of board? It's Chris' blanket.
We got to do something about this.
I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant.
I don't even know how that's scientifically possible.
Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.
You know, maybe you guys should help find Chris a hobby.
That might occupy him and get his mind on other things.
Hey, man, Iay off the kid.
I say, if it feels good, do it.
-Stewie, you don't do that yet.
-Hey, you don't know what I do.
Wait a minute, Brian, that's a great idea.
Chris needs a hobby.
Hey, Chris, get in here.
-Yeah, Dad? -We are gonna find you a hobby.
-What do you think of that? -Okay.
There you go, that's the spirit.
Yuck.
Hey, Christopher.
What you up to? Hi, Mr.
Herbert.
My dad's helping me find a hobby.
Well, you sure got a pretty morning for it.
Chris, don't waste our time with the elderly.
They're dying.
PIease, God, Iet me just sniff his hat.
Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want.
Now I want more.
Okay, Chris, this is the gentle art of philately otherwise known as stamp collecting.
Here's a pile of stamps carefully culled from swap meets and garage sales.
And Iook at this.
It's a Bolivian airplane.
Now, it says it's worth 8 cents, but really it's worth 12.
See that? AIready ahead.
Came right out of the blocks with a winner here, Chris.
Now, we'II just paste this very carefully into the book.
And that's where it belongs.
Now, this is a Ioaded handgun.
And what we're gonna do now is kill ourselves because this is horrible.
-Couldn't we just stop philateling? -Too Iate.
AII right, Chris, this is one of the oldest hobbies in existence, drinking.
Hey, hey, good times just walked in.
Oh, hey, he can't be in here.
He's not 21.
AII right, just hang out here for a Iittle bit, huh? AII right, see you Iater, gang.
Chris, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at camp.
What am I paying for? I could have gone pro if it wasn't for my bum knee.
Wow! That is so cool.
What is it? It's a puppet.
Welcome.
I am Franz Gutentag, and this is my puppet shop.
Puppets.
And I thought I'd seen everything.
My name is Chris.
Well, Chris, puppetry is a wonderful art form.
You can create an entire world right before your eyes and watch it come to Iife.
Wow.
What's that one over there? Ah! That is a work in progress.
It is waiting to become anything we wish it to be.
My name is Chris, and I Iike candy and jumping and colorful birds.
Wow! What else do I Iike? You Iike the pop singing of today.
Yay! That was the German-est thing I've ever seen.
I'm so glad you Iike it, Chris.
-Would you Iike to try? -Oh, boy, would I? I'm a vampire, and I'm in Iove with this unattractive girl.
I'm a werewolf, and I am also in Iove with this unattractive girl.
Boy, she sure can act, though, can't she? Nope.
The end.
Bravo, Chris! You have really tapped into the wonder and enchantment that is puppetry.
PIus, I move these dolls and make Iike they're talking.
Yes.
Right.
Thanks for showing me how to do it and being so nice to me, Mr.
Gutentag.
Call me Franz.
Okay.
Franz.
You know, Chris, seeing a young person Iike you enjoy puppetry makes me so happy.
I feel Iike we could become good friends.
That sounds Iike fun.
Wow, I think you're just about my most favorite guy who's gonna die soon.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh, no! Mr.
Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk.
Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard, it was, uh, Brian.
Yeah, Brian.
No, it's this man Chris is hanging out with.
He's bad news.
Why? What's the problem? -Chris is friends with a Nazi! -What? At first I wasn't sure it was him, but I got a closer Iook, and now there's no question in my mind.
Franz Gutentag is really Lieutenant Franz Schlechtnacht, the most sadistic SS guard in the Dachau concentration camp.
That's a very serious accusation.
How do you know this man was a Nazi prison guard? 'Cause I was there.
It was 1944.
I was a young Air Force pilot assigned as part ofan escort for a bombing raid over southern Germany, when we encountered the Luftwaffe.
At first we thought we were in the clear because the Germans were frightened by the scary shark face on the front of our plane.
A shark! How did it get all the way up here in the sky? Who cares, you fool? Do you want to get eaten? Retreat! But there was one stubborn pilot who saw through our disguise.
Most ofthe surviving American pilots were taken to POW camps, but for some reason, they thought I was gay, so I was taken to Dachau.
Behind the walls ofthe prison camp, there was one guard who decided everyone 's fate.
Ifhe pointed to the left, you did hard labor.
Ifhe pointed to the right, you died.
That man was Franz Schlechtnacht.
I was spared death, but I was given hard labor.
He made me sort the camp recyclables.
But some ofthose bottles still had a little bit of soda in them.
It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky.
Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! No one should have to suffer the way I suffered! So that's why Chris should stay away from that puppet store guy.
It all sounds kind of sketchy.
Wait, are you Jamie Kennedy? Am I being skunked or puked or whatever, some shit? I'm telling you the truth.
I swear on my nephew's grave.
I don't know, Franz seems Iike such a nice old man.
You know, maybe we should just invite him for dinner and clear this whole thing up.
Yeah, you know, we got no right passing judgment without getting to know him.
Isn't that right, Scottish chipmunk? Yeah, he doesn't talk, but he's a chipmunk, and he's Scottish, and he would back me up on this.
Chris, wait.
Where you going? I'm going to Mr.
Gutentag's house.
-You can't.
-Why not? Chris, his name isn't Gutentag, it's Schlechtnacht, and he's a Nazi.
What? It's true.
You've got to stay away from that terrible man.
Mr.
Gutentag isn't a terrible man.
He's my friend.
Chris, you don't understand, I'm trying to help you.
Help me what? CIean your pool with my shirt off, or wash your car in jean shorts, bend over in front of you to get Iittle bits of Iint out of the rug? I know what you're about, Mr.
Herbert, free Iabor, and I'm not into it.
Chris, you have to choose.
It's either Franz or me.
Chris, what's the matter? You Iook upset.
Mr.
Herbert was saying terrible things about you.
He said you Iiked Hitler, and your name isn't really Gutentag.
Oh, Chris, you can't always believe what you hear.
For example, everybody thinks that prostitution is illegal, but there are ways around it.
AII right, Iet's do it.
Both of you are under arrest for prostitution.
It's not prostitution.
You paid her to have sex.
No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it.
So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno.
Oh, well, as Iong as you're filming and selling it, it's Iegal.
Enjoy your day.
Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress.
This has been a message from the Church ofJesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
That's probably mean old Mr.
Herbert again.
-Dad? -Excuse me, Chris, I got to talk to Mr.
Pupenchest here.
Good day to you, Mr.
Griffin.
Say, Iisten, my wife and I appreciate how nice you've been to my son with all the puppets and whatnot, and we wanted to invite you over for dinner.
Oh, wonderful.
And I shall celebrate our friendship by giving you a hand-carved German wall clock.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I could not find the clock.
But you got three of them on the wall over there.
Yes, those are mine.
Oh.
Yeah, I need those.
Uh-huh.
I just don't know why you said it, then.
Mr.
Gutentag, can I use the bathroom? Of course.
Down the hall to the right.
It's the door marked What the So now you know the truth.
I promise I won't tell anyone! Just Iet my dad go! Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible.
You're not gonna get away with this, Mr.
Googlesearch.
Oh, but I think that I will.
You two know my secret.
I must be sure no one ever finds out the truth.
So, what? Are you gonna kill us? Perhaps, Mr.
Griffin.
I have not yet decided.
Well, you might want to do something about that first.
What? Quick, shoot him, Chris! What are you waiting for? -I How do I know which one to shoot? -What? How do I know which one is the real dad? I We never switched.
We don't even Iook the same! -AII right, when's my birthday? -Aw, crap.
February 8th.
Dad! There.
That's more Iike it.
You idiot! Well, Iearn my birthday, asshole! Twenty-five.
That's how high I can count.
We have been here for three hours.
I'm scared, Dad.
What's gonna happen to us? Well, he's a Nazi, Chris.
If I had to guess, he's going to make us into a Iamp shade or a wallet or a bar of soap.
I guess that means I'II be Irish Spring.
Irish Spring will get you fresh and clean as a whistle.
See? You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer? -There's more soap inside the soap.
-They know that! Mrs.
Griffin.
What a nice surprise.
Come in.
Mr.
Gutentag, I'm sorry to bother you, but Chris and Peter didn't come home Iast night.
Have you seen them? Oh.
Wait, is he a great big fat person? He's a Iarge man, yes, sir.
No, I have not seen them.
Well, if you do, could you please contact me? I'm just worried sick.
Of course, Mrs.
Griffin.
I will Iet you know immediately.
Dad, I want to go home.
AII right, Iet's try and figure a way out of here.
Look around.
See if you can find something to break the door down with.
Dad, there's a window here! Oh, my God, maybe we can get outside.
No, it's too small.
Wait, Dad, Iook.
There's Meg walking down the street.
Hey, Meg! Hanging out with all your friends? Hey, whale, the ocean's that way! That's a good one, too.
AII right, Iet's figure a way to get out of here.
Now, we can't fit through the window, but maybe there's some way we can Iet people know we're down here.
We gotta make as much noise as possible to get people's attention.
And nothing makes more noise than unwanted salsa music.
Hand me that radio.
What the hell? Oh, for God's sake, where's that white-noise machine? Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me! Oh, man, the battery's dead.
Now what do we do? Oh, my God.
Mr.
Herbert! Mr.
Herbert! He can't hear me.
Jesse! Jesse! Jesse, what is it, boy? Chris! Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr.
Herbert.
Franz is a Nazi.
And he's keeping us prisoner down here.
-Get help.
-Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move.
Thunder thighs are Ioose.
" You know, I gotta say, Chris, all my Iife I wanted to see you Iocked in a basement, but now that it's happened, all I want to do is get you out.
Don't you worry.
I'II be back with help.
You want me to write that thunder thighs thing down for you? He's not gonna do it.
I'm here for the boy.
-Who are you? -Oh, you don't remember me? Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht.
But then why should you remember? There were so many of us.
But frankly, I don't give a shit.
And I'II tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive.
Bring it on! Wake up.
Wake up.
We're fighting.
Where Where am I? It's okay.
We're fighting.
Wake up.
-Hang on.
Hang on.
Pills.
-Yeah, me, too.
-Wednesday, right? -Yeah, it's Wednesday.
-Oh! You know what? You know what? -What? I'm having some trouble getting up.
Would you mind calling my nurse? Her name is Frieda.
Her phone number is in the kitchen.
Oh, gosh, Iook who's stuck on the couch again.
-I'm not stuck on the couch.
-Okay, Mr.
Cranky.
One, two, three! There we go! You didn't need me.
You did that yourself.
Good for you.
You need anything else? -No, I'm fine, thank you.
-Okay, you guys have fun.
Franz, grab my hand! Say good night, you Nazi bastard.
It's time to give you a proper German funeral.
Thanks for everything, Mr.
Herbert.
If only I had Iistened to you, none of this would've happened.
You were my real friend all along.
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay, Chris.
Sometimes the only way to really appreciate what you have is to see what Iife is Iike without it.
And there's nothing I appreciate more than your friendship.
Dad, Mr.
Herbert called me thunder thighs.
Oh, you did it.
Thank you! English - US - SDH
His Iittle habit of, uh, personal amusement is getting way out of hand.
I mean, Iook at this.
What's that, some kind of board? It's Chris' blanket.
We got to do something about this.
I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant.
I don't even know how that's scientifically possible.
Life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.
You know, maybe you guys should help find Chris a hobby.
That might occupy him and get his mind on other things.
Hey, man, Iay off the kid.
I say, if it feels good, do it.
-Stewie, you don't do that yet.
-Hey, you don't know what I do.
Wait a minute, Brian, that's a great idea.
Chris needs a hobby.
Hey, Chris, get in here.
-Yeah, Dad? -We are gonna find you a hobby.
-What do you think of that? -Okay.
There you go, that's the spirit.
Yuck.
Hey, Christopher.
What you up to? Hi, Mr.
Herbert.
My dad's helping me find a hobby.
Well, you sure got a pretty morning for it.
Chris, don't waste our time with the elderly.
They're dying.
PIease, God, Iet me just sniff his hat.
Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want.
Now I want more.
Okay, Chris, this is the gentle art of philately otherwise known as stamp collecting.
Here's a pile of stamps carefully culled from swap meets and garage sales.
And Iook at this.
It's a Bolivian airplane.
Now, it says it's worth 8 cents, but really it's worth 12.
See that? AIready ahead.
Came right out of the blocks with a winner here, Chris.
Now, we'II just paste this very carefully into the book.
And that's where it belongs.
Now, this is a Ioaded handgun.
And what we're gonna do now is kill ourselves because this is horrible.
-Couldn't we just stop philateling? -Too Iate.
AII right, Chris, this is one of the oldest hobbies in existence, drinking.
Hey, hey, good times just walked in.
Oh, hey, he can't be in here.
He's not 21.
AII right, just hang out here for a Iittle bit, huh? AII right, see you Iater, gang.
Chris, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at camp.
What am I paying for? I could have gone pro if it wasn't for my bum knee.
Wow! That is so cool.
What is it? It's a puppet.
Welcome.
I am Franz Gutentag, and this is my puppet shop.
Puppets.
And I thought I'd seen everything.
My name is Chris.
Well, Chris, puppetry is a wonderful art form.
You can create an entire world right before your eyes and watch it come to Iife.
Wow.
What's that one over there? Ah! That is a work in progress.
It is waiting to become anything we wish it to be.
My name is Chris, and I Iike candy and jumping and colorful birds.
Wow! What else do I Iike? You Iike the pop singing of today.
Yay! That was the German-est thing I've ever seen.
I'm so glad you Iike it, Chris.
-Would you Iike to try? -Oh, boy, would I? I'm a vampire, and I'm in Iove with this unattractive girl.
I'm a werewolf, and I am also in Iove with this unattractive girl.
Boy, she sure can act, though, can't she? Nope.
The end.
Bravo, Chris! You have really tapped into the wonder and enchantment that is puppetry.
PIus, I move these dolls and make Iike they're talking.
Yes.
Right.
Thanks for showing me how to do it and being so nice to me, Mr.
Gutentag.
Call me Franz.
Okay.
Franz.
You know, Chris, seeing a young person Iike you enjoy puppetry makes me so happy.
I feel Iike we could become good friends.
That sounds Iike fun.
Wow, I think you're just about my most favorite guy who's gonna die soon.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh, no! Mr.
Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk.
Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard, it was, uh, Brian.
Yeah, Brian.
No, it's this man Chris is hanging out with.
He's bad news.
Why? What's the problem? -Chris is friends with a Nazi! -What? At first I wasn't sure it was him, but I got a closer Iook, and now there's no question in my mind.
Franz Gutentag is really Lieutenant Franz Schlechtnacht, the most sadistic SS guard in the Dachau concentration camp.
That's a very serious accusation.
How do you know this man was a Nazi prison guard? 'Cause I was there.
It was 1944.
I was a young Air Force pilot assigned as part ofan escort for a bombing raid over southern Germany, when we encountered the Luftwaffe.
At first we thought we were in the clear because the Germans were frightened by the scary shark face on the front of our plane.
A shark! How did it get all the way up here in the sky? Who cares, you fool? Do you want to get eaten? Retreat! But there was one stubborn pilot who saw through our disguise.
Most ofthe surviving American pilots were taken to POW camps, but for some reason, they thought I was gay, so I was taken to Dachau.
Behind the walls ofthe prison camp, there was one guard who decided everyone 's fate.
Ifhe pointed to the left, you did hard labor.
Ifhe pointed to the right, you died.
That man was Franz Schlechtnacht.
I was spared death, but I was given hard labor.
He made me sort the camp recyclables.
But some ofthose bottles still had a little bit of soda in them.
It would spill out on my hands and make them kind of sticky.
Dear God, how my hands would get kind of sticky! No one should have to suffer the way I suffered! So that's why Chris should stay away from that puppet store guy.
It all sounds kind of sketchy.
Wait, are you Jamie Kennedy? Am I being skunked or puked or whatever, some shit? I'm telling you the truth.
I swear on my nephew's grave.
I don't know, Franz seems Iike such a nice old man.
You know, maybe we should just invite him for dinner and clear this whole thing up.
Yeah, you know, we got no right passing judgment without getting to know him.
Isn't that right, Scottish chipmunk? Yeah, he doesn't talk, but he's a chipmunk, and he's Scottish, and he would back me up on this.
Chris, wait.
Where you going? I'm going to Mr.
Gutentag's house.
-You can't.
-Why not? Chris, his name isn't Gutentag, it's Schlechtnacht, and he's a Nazi.
What? It's true.
You've got to stay away from that terrible man.
Mr.
Gutentag isn't a terrible man.
He's my friend.
Chris, you don't understand, I'm trying to help you.
Help me what? CIean your pool with my shirt off, or wash your car in jean shorts, bend over in front of you to get Iittle bits of Iint out of the rug? I know what you're about, Mr.
Herbert, free Iabor, and I'm not into it.
Chris, you have to choose.
It's either Franz or me.
Chris, what's the matter? You Iook upset.
Mr.
Herbert was saying terrible things about you.
He said you Iiked Hitler, and your name isn't really Gutentag.
Oh, Chris, you can't always believe what you hear.
For example, everybody thinks that prostitution is illegal, but there are ways around it.
AII right, Iet's do it.
Both of you are under arrest for prostitution.
It's not prostitution.
You paid her to have sex.
No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it.
So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno.
Oh, well, as Iong as you're filming and selling it, it's Iegal.
Enjoy your day.
Remember, kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress.
This has been a message from the Church ofJesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
That's probably mean old Mr.
Herbert again.
-Dad? -Excuse me, Chris, I got to talk to Mr.
Pupenchest here.
Good day to you, Mr.
Griffin.
Say, Iisten, my wife and I appreciate how nice you've been to my son with all the puppets and whatnot, and we wanted to invite you over for dinner.
Oh, wonderful.
And I shall celebrate our friendship by giving you a hand-carved German wall clock.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I could not find the clock.
But you got three of them on the wall over there.
Yes, those are mine.
Oh.
Yeah, I need those.
Uh-huh.
I just don't know why you said it, then.
Mr.
Gutentag, can I use the bathroom? Of course.
Down the hall to the right.
It's the door marked What the So now you know the truth.
I promise I won't tell anyone! Just Iet my dad go! Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible.
You're not gonna get away with this, Mr.
Googlesearch.
Oh, but I think that I will.
You two know my secret.
I must be sure no one ever finds out the truth.
So, what? Are you gonna kill us? Perhaps, Mr.
Griffin.
I have not yet decided.
Well, you might want to do something about that first.
What? Quick, shoot him, Chris! What are you waiting for? -I How do I know which one to shoot? -What? How do I know which one is the real dad? I We never switched.
We don't even Iook the same! -AII right, when's my birthday? -Aw, crap.
February 8th.
Dad! There.
That's more Iike it.
You idiot! Well, Iearn my birthday, asshole! Twenty-five.
That's how high I can count.
We have been here for three hours.
I'm scared, Dad.
What's gonna happen to us? Well, he's a Nazi, Chris.
If I had to guess, he's going to make us into a Iamp shade or a wallet or a bar of soap.
I guess that means I'II be Irish Spring.
Irish Spring will get you fresh and clean as a whistle.
See? You cut me! Why? What is that possibly supposed to show the consumer? -There's more soap inside the soap.
-They know that! Mrs.
Griffin.
What a nice surprise.
Come in.
Mr.
Gutentag, I'm sorry to bother you, but Chris and Peter didn't come home Iast night.
Have you seen them? Oh.
Wait, is he a great big fat person? He's a Iarge man, yes, sir.
No, I have not seen them.
Well, if you do, could you please contact me? I'm just worried sick.
Of course, Mrs.
Griffin.
I will Iet you know immediately.
Dad, I want to go home.
AII right, Iet's try and figure a way out of here.
Look around.
See if you can find something to break the door down with.
Dad, there's a window here! Oh, my God, maybe we can get outside.
No, it's too small.
Wait, Dad, Iook.
There's Meg walking down the street.
Hey, Meg! Hanging out with all your friends? Hey, whale, the ocean's that way! That's a good one, too.
AII right, Iet's figure a way to get out of here.
Now, we can't fit through the window, but maybe there's some way we can Iet people know we're down here.
We gotta make as much noise as possible to get people's attention.
And nothing makes more noise than unwanted salsa music.
Hand me that radio.
What the hell? Oh, for God's sake, where's that white-noise machine? Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me! Oh, man, the battery's dead.
Now what do we do? Oh, my God.
Mr.
Herbert! Mr.
Herbert! He can't hear me.
Jesse! Jesse! Jesse, what is it, boy? Chris! Chris, what happened? You were right, Mr.
Herbert.
Franz is a Nazi.
And he's keeping us prisoner down here.
-Get help.
-Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her "Thunder thighs are on the move.
Thunder thighs are Ioose.
" You know, I gotta say, Chris, all my Iife I wanted to see you Iocked in a basement, but now that it's happened, all I want to do is get you out.
Don't you worry.
I'II be back with help.
You want me to write that thunder thighs thing down for you? He's not gonna do it.
I'm here for the boy.
-Who are you? -Oh, you don't remember me? Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht.
But then why should you remember? There were so many of us.
But frankly, I don't give a shit.
And I'II tell you this, only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive.
Bring it on! Wake up.
Wake up.
We're fighting.
Where Where am I? It's okay.
We're fighting.
Wake up.
-Hang on.
Hang on.
Pills.
-Yeah, me, too.
-Wednesday, right? -Yeah, it's Wednesday.
-Oh! You know what? You know what? -What? I'm having some trouble getting up.
Would you mind calling my nurse? Her name is Frieda.
Her phone number is in the kitchen.
Oh, gosh, Iook who's stuck on the couch again.
-I'm not stuck on the couch.
-Okay, Mr.
Cranky.
One, two, three! There we go! You didn't need me.
You did that yourself.
Good for you.
You need anything else? -No, I'm fine, thank you.
-Okay, you guys have fun.
Franz, grab my hand! Say good night, you Nazi bastard.
It's time to give you a proper German funeral.
Thanks for everything, Mr.
Herbert.
If only I had Iistened to you, none of this would've happened.
You were my real friend all along.
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay, Chris.
Sometimes the only way to really appreciate what you have is to see what Iife is Iike without it.
And there's nothing I appreciate more than your friendship.
Dad, Mr.
Herbert called me thunder thighs.
Oh, you did it.
Thank you! English - US - SDH