Seinfeld s09e11 Episode Script

When are they gonna have the flying cars? Yeah, they have been promising that.
Years.
When we were kids it seemed like it was around the corner.
I think Ed Begley Jr.
has one.
No, that's just electric.
What about Harrison Ford? He had one in Blade Runner.
That was a cool one.
Well, what's the competition? Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? What do you think the big holdup is? The government is very touchy about us being in the air.
Let us run on the ground much as we want.
Anything in the air is a big production.
Yeah, right.
And what about the floating cities? - And the underwater bubble cities? - It's like we're living in the '50s here.
That's good suspension.
Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it.
Hey, George, I'm buying this car.
What is wrong with you? You never tell them you like the car.
You're not sure what you want.
You don't even know why you're here.
That vein again.
- I'm starving.
I should've had lunch.
- It'll be 20 minutes.
I told you, Puddy's getting me an insider deal.
Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? - I thought he was a mechanic.
- I guess he graduated.
Easy move.
Go from screwing you behind your back to screwing you right to your face.
Thank you.
Puddy's just gonna give you the car, huh? You'll see.
They stick you with the undercoating, rustproofing, dealer prep.
Suddenly you're on your back like a turtle.
- All right, calm down.
- My father had a car-salesman buddy.
He was gonna fix him up real nice.
Next thing I know, I'm getting dropped off in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof.
All the kids are shouting at me, "Hey, Le George.
Bonjour, Le George.
Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker.
" I don't think this thing is hooked up right.
All right, we're going in.
You got a good eye there.
I see you've noticed the unibody construction.
I'm Rick.
Are you looking to buy or to lease? Borrow.
From my friend.
Yeah, he'll by buying it.
- Maybe I should talk to him.
- Oh, I don't think so.
No, he's an entertainer.
You know, all over the place.
That's where I come in.
- I see.
So you're his manag? - Neighbor.
That's right.
Why don't we take this boiler out for a shakedown, huh? Look at these salesmen.
The only thing these guys fear is the walkout.
No matter what they say, you say: - "I'll walk out of here right now.
" - Can I help you with something? Hold it.
One more step and we're walking! George.
Sorry, we're just waiting for David Puddy.
He is.
You don't know what I'm doing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Sorry I'm late.
- My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion.
Oh, where'd you go? - To a restaurant.
- Arby's.
I had the roast beef.
So I decided I'm gonna go with a 900 convertible.
All right, classic.
High-five.
Can you tell me where the Xerox machine is? Oh, sure, babe.
Salesmen-only copy room right there.
Come on, I'll show you the 900.
Yeah, you show us the 900.
And look at these features, Mr.
Kramer.
Antilock brakes, automatic climate control Make a right at this corner, please.
- an adjustable steering wheel and Oh, Mr.
Kramer, you missed the turn.
- No, no, no, I didn't.
- Well, that's okay.
Make this next right and swing back to the dealership.
Well, it's a test drive, right? I never drive around here.
If I'm gonna recommend this car I need to see that it'll handle my daily routine.
Well, where're we going? Just a little place I like to call You'll See.
I'm starving.
You got any of those free doughnuts you use to soften people up? By the Service Department.
All right, remember, no rustproofing.
Commit to nothing.
If you have to speak, mumble.
- Au revoir, Le George.
- Don't think it can't happen.
Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you.
- No more grease monkey.
- I don't care for that term.
Oh, sorry, I didn't know.
I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
I saw one that could do sign language.
Yeah, I saw that one.
Koko.
Yeah, Koko.
Right.
Koko.
That chimp's all right.
High-five.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on here? You didn't agree to anything.
No, we both just saw the same monkey.
Well, I got screwed on the doughnuts.
There were none left.
There's a vending machine.
I can show you where it is.
Hey, give me a dollar.
Where's your money? I'm here helping you.
Hey, where's Puddy? The copy machine is broken.
That's what they want you to think.
Have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit? - The squinting? - No.
- The staring? - No.
He keeps asking me to give him a high-five.
I thought all guys do that.
Slapping hands is the lowest form of male-primate ritual.
In fact, some of them have moved on.
They're doing sign language now.
It's that bad? What do you think the Nazis were doing? That was the heil- five.
Isn't that from your act, like, 10 years ago? It was a good bit in the '80s, and it's still relatable today.
Good news, we got a 900 in black.
That's the hot color.
High-five.
David, can you come help me fix the copy machine? Come on.
You owe me five.
Twix.
B5.
Come on.
Excuse me, do you have change of a dollar? No.
Could I trade you for another dollar? - Don't have one.
- Excuse me.
When your wallet was open, I glanced inside and I couldn't help but notice that you have several crisp dollar bills.
You're incorrect.
Perhaps you could look again, please.
I'm very hungry.
We had doughnuts earlier.
I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old scroogie, huh? You're all doing a hell of a job.
What I would do with you.
Mr.
Kramer, we're really not allowed to use the cars to run errands.
Now, look, Rick, I'm very close to giving this car that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement.
Well, let's see if I can get a smile from these femininas.
Hey, ladies.
It's a Saab 900.
What do you think? Can I interest you in a little supplemental restraint? I think the candy comes out over there.
People drop change down here, Jerry.
And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Either that or they've got a weird little hang-up about lying face down in filth.
Why don't you just go to the cashier? The cashier is at lunch, which is where I'd like to be.
- How much was under there? - I think something bit me.
I just need another nickel.
Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player.
What do you think? He's got a live one.
He's just reeling this big fish in.
Hey, could I have my dollar back? It's wrinkled.
It's worthless.
Come on.
Jump! They put out some more doughnuts.
- They did? - Last one.
Well, just one more errand and we can head back.
Actually, it looks like we're gonna need some gas.
Well, how much gas you think is in there right now? Well, it's on E.
You know, Rick, often times, Jerry, he lends me his car and I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas.
But for a variety of reasons I don't wanna be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline.
So you wanna know how far you can drive your friend's car for free.
Well, I make it up to him in other ways.
As you will see, the candy bar is paid for and yet remains dangling in the machine.
Hey, it's gone.
Where is my Twix? That guy's eating it.
How do you know that one's yours? It was dangling.
There were two left in the machine.
He must have bought one and gotten both.
- Sir, are you gonna buy a car? - No.
Hey.
Hey.
I see you.
That is my Twix.
Paper jam.
Got it.
High-five.
On the flip side.
- David, l - Don't leave me hanging.
You're a salesman now.
The high-five is It's very grease monkey.
- What did I tell you about that? - I'm sorry.
But the high-five is just so stupid.
Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid.
You, stupid.
Oh, that is really mature.
Yeah? So are you.
You're the grease monkey.
That doesn't make any sense.
- I am leaving.
- Yeah, if you leave, we're through.
- Fine, we're through.
- Oh, so you're leaving? That's right.
High-five, on the flip side.
Taking me to Arby's.
- Hey, where were you? - Let's finish this up.
- Did you two break up? - That chick's whacked.
We're history.
Just left out a couple of things.
Rustproofing.
- Rustproofing? - Transport charge.
Storage surcharge.
Additional overcharge.
- Finder's fee.
- Finder's fee? It was on the lot.
Yeah, that's right.
- And floor mats, keys.
- Keys? How are you gonna start it? Excuse me.
I believe you just ate my Twix bar.
It was dangling and when you purchased your Twix bar you got a little freebie and you never bothered to ask why or seek out its rightful owner.
First of all, it wasn't a Twix.
It was a 5th Avenue bar.
You must think I'm pretty stupid.
That's no 5th Avenue bar.
I can see the crumb in the corner of your lip.
Now, that is a cookie and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.
That's a little nougat.
Nougat? Please.
I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell between nougat and cookie.
So let's not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications.
You know you're getting a little vein there? I know about the vein.
This guy.
- Hey, George.
- Hey, I'm starving.
Last one.
Listen, you gotta help me out.
Elaine and Puddy broke up.
He's treating me like a regular customer.
I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen.
No.
You were gonna get a deal.
There's no law in this place.
Anything goes.
It's Thunderdome.
- Is someone helping you? - Stay back.
Where is it now? There's overlap between the needle and slash below the E.
How low are you gonna go? Oh, I've been in the slash many times.
This is nothing.
You'll get used to it.
Just put it out of your mind.
Have you ever been completely below the slash? Well, I almost did once and I blacked out.
When I came to the car was in a ditch and the tank was full.
I don't know who did it.
And I never got to thank them.
Mr.
Kramer, the road.
When we started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different.
If you wanna play hardball, I got my friend George and he can play pretty hard.
Ball.
George.
Vein it up.
All right, Puddy, listen and listen good.
I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here.
Big guy, a liar, short name.
Sam, Mo, Sol George, can we focus on the car here? I'm starving.
I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.
Well, I need your signature here and we'll get you that yellow car ready to go.
Yellow? I wanted black.
I can't give you black at that price.
George, would you help me, please? Yes.
This is wrong.
Sing it, sister! Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch Oh, God.
- does not imply transfer of ownership.
Mo, Sol or Lem is not gonna get away with this.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Hey, George.
Is it just the angle I'm looking from? - No, sir.
We are down there.
- Oh, this is amazing.
Oh, I never felt so alive.
All right, I'm satisfied.
We better get some gas.
- What? Well, we can't stop now.
- What do you mean? We have to keep going to the dealership.
That was the plan.
- There's no plan.
- Well, let's make it the plan.
Let's just go for it like Thelma and Louise.
- They drove to a dealership? - No, they drove off a cliff.
You are one sick mama.
I like it.
Mr.
Kramer, the road.
- Hello? - You gotta back down to the dealer.
Puddy is screwing me on this car, which is yellow now.
- Who is this? What? - Elaine.
You gotta get back with Puddy so I can make this deal.
You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry.
You're gonna get back together.
It's thousands of dollars.
I don't know.
You don't have to see him again until my 15,000-mile check.
- Will you pay my cab fare out there? - Fine.
I didn't like that roast beef so how about lunch? - No, no lunch.
- I'll hang this phone up right now.
- All right, lunch.
- See you.
Bye.
Everybody's ripping me off.
I'd like to report a problem with one of your mechanics.
When did you bring your car in? Yeah, right.
I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership.
Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet? Sir, what exactly is the problem? One of your guys, Kip or Ned Short name.
- stole my Twix candy bar.
Are you saying he grabbed your candy bar away from you? He might as well have.
I caught him and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs.
- I thought you said it was a Twix? - Oh, it was.
But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar.
- Maybe it was.
- Oh, no.
No.
Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.
- What about the $ 100,000 bar? - No, rice and caramel.
- Nougat? Positive? - No.
Please.
You know they changed the name from $ 100,000 bar to Hundred Grand? All I want is my 75 cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired.
I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel.
What's the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial? They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial.
Not Skittles.
Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don't talk.
You make your father sit here all day? - He likes it.
- All right.
Do you mind? I have the window.
Now, what're you gonna do about my Twix? - Twix has too much coconut.
- No, there's no coconut! - I'm allergic to coconut.
- I'm not.
A nickel.
- Cab receipt.
Hey, Puddy.
- I'm with a customer.
No, no, no.
Elaine, the car can wait.
What's important is you two getting back together.
Then we'll talk about the car.
I don't wanna get back with her.
She's bossy.
David.
Okay.
Now, I know this is an important decision.
Why don't we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on.
Come on.
Now, look.
You both find each other attractive, right? - Right.
- Right.
Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you.
- I guess.
- Good point.
All right.
Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today? Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? - I'll get us a couple of Twix bars.
- No.
No coconut for me.
All right, I'll get you a Mounds bar.
Keep the engine running.
No, man, not the gas.
But it needs it, Kramer.
It needs it bad.
You really think this will make you happy? Because it won't.
You should go on without me.
Listen to me.
When that car rolls into that dealership and that tank is bone-dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, "Kramer and that other guy they went farther to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed.
" Maybe we'd better get moving.
It's good to have you back, Stan.
- It's Rick, by the way.
- No time.
Mr.
Costanza, I really don't have time for this.
Now, if this mechanic guy was, in fact eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claims wouldn't you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy lineup? Candy lineup? I've spent the last hour preparing 10 candy bars with no wrappers or identification of any kind for him to select from.
That took you an hour? Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities.
And so without further ado I give you the candy lineup.
Hey, Willie, check it out, free candy.
That's my candy lineup.
Where are my cards? They're all on the floor.
And you? How many Twix does that make for you today? - Like, eight Twix? - No.
- Hey, this Clark bar is good.
- It's a Twix.
They're all Twix.
It was a setup.
A setup, I tell you.
And you've robbed it.
You've all screwed me again.
Now, give me one.
Give me a Twix.
They're all gone.
Twix! What was that? There's a mental hospital right near here.
All right, Elaine, David I believe we have a deal here in principle.
Arby's no more than once a month and in exchange Elaine comes to your softball game and doesn't read a book.
- Well, that's not bad.
- I can live with that.
- So you're back together? - Yeah.
All right, all right, that's enough.
Now, let's get back to my deal.
That undercoating, that's a rip-off, isn't it, David? Oh, we don't even know what it is.
- So I'm getting the insider's deal? - The insider's deal.
High-five.
There's the dealer.
We did it.
We pulled it off.
I can't believe it.
- Where's the needle? - Oh, it broke off, baby.
Oh, Mr.
Kramer, I gotta thank you.
I learned a lot.
Things are gonna be different for me now.
Well, that's a weird thing to say.
I wonder how much longer we'd have lasted.
Yeah, yeah, I wonder.
This is nice.
What kind of car is this? Caprice Classic.
You couldn't just give him one high-five? And where does it end? Then everyone's doing it.
It's like the wave at ball games.
Air quotes.
The phrase, "Don't go there.
" Someone's gotta take a stand.
This Arby's is good.
So, George, I still don't understand.
How is that a setup? Who were you trying to setup anyway? The mechanic or the manager? I don't know.
All of them, they're all crooks.
I couldn't get all different candy bars anyway.
What was that? I think there's a mental hospital near here.
Yeah, very near.
Well, I think we stopped.
You can probably let go of my hand now.
Well, I'll think about it.
Do you have my card? A nickel.