The King of Queens s09e11 Episode Script
Single Spaced
Hey! Oh.
Hello.
What the hell is that?! Warden moved out, Finally got my scooter.
Good for you, doug.
On your own a week And you've already given up cleaning and walking.
So you finally decided to come home.
No.
I just came to get some stuff.
And by the way, my home is in manhattan now.
And you're welcome to join me.
Well, you know what you might want to do? You might want to open a window And check the temperature, Because it's going to be a cold day in hell Before that happens.
Trust me, i'm all for opening up a window.
Ooooooh.
I get it! You're gone.
I'm all by myself and i "smell.
" Ok, where are you going? To get the china.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
My house, my china.
What do you need the china for? You having a dinner party? I'll have a dinner party.
I'll have a dinner party right now! You didn't even know we had china Until i said something.
I know we have china.
Ok.
I love our china! Oh, you love our china? Well, what's the pattern? Um gay! Yeah.
Just stop! You're being an idiot.
No! You know what? nothing but scar tissue now.
Well, fine.
If that's the way you want to play it.
I'll just get some new china.
Oh, yeah? Well, good luck! Because i already maxed out the credit cards Reto-Fitting the suv for this baby! Yeah! That's funny.
Yeah.
What the hell? Holy You've been robbed! Whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait.
What if-What if they're still in the house? I mean i can't die tonight.
I'm wearing very girlish underwear.
Hi, baby.
Just to let you know, I stopped by and grabbed a few things.
But don't worry, i left the china.
Enjoy your dinner party.
This is all your fault! You know, for making us bowl 2 extra frames! We could've stopped her! It's the only sport i'm good at! You had them put up the bumpers! I hardly used them.
You know what? Why don't we just go to cooper's And watch the hockey game there? We do that and she wins! Well, she is good.
Hey! Fine! You know what? I don't need you guys! I don't need her! I don't need anybody! I was going to make you panini, too! You know what? More panini for me! Afanasenkov takes the puck in the corner.
Centers it to ponikarovsky.
Ponikarovsky passes it back to afanasenkov.
And a whistle High-Sticking.
Hello.
Dougie! Oh! Hey, mom.
What's up? Thank god you answered! I've been trying to reach you for days.
I wanted to tell you and carrie That we're flying in.
I had a companion ticket that was about to expire.
Anyway, we just landed.
What?! We should be there in Mom! Dad! Hey! Come have some cheese and crackers.
Where the hell's all your furniture? Oh, uh W- We're having it refurbished.
All of it? Yeah, you know.
It's taking a long time, though, because I've got to be honest, I don't even know how they furbish it in the first place.
Where's carrie? Oh, carrie.
Um Bridge.
She plays bridge? No, she's on the bridge.
Queensboro, she's cleaning it.
It's a community service thing.
It's court ordered.
What's going on here, doug? Here's the thing, uh Carrie, uh She's just got a little apartment in the city, And, uh i'm kind of staying here by myself right now.
It's all good! You're separated? Oh, my god.
No, no, no.
We're not separated.
We're just kind of shaking things up a little bit.
You know separately! I need water.
Hey, you were right.
This seafoam green really pops! I told you! Listen, i want to thank you For keeping doug at the bowling alley.
I never could have gotten the furniture without you.
Hey, it was not easy.
I had to tell him that i needed the bumpers.
I don't! Listen, uh, i know you and doug are friends and- Yeah.
You guys are all about "bros before hos," but This ho really appreciates it.
Thanks.
The cotton is soft.
Ok, well the kitchen is presentable.
I'm going to go upstairs and see If the oven cleaner took care of that toilet situation.
It's open! Hey! Look who's here! Hi.
Hi! Dougie! You remember your second cousin virginia? Oh, yeah.
We played mouse trap At uncle freddy's funeral.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Anyway, i'll put on some coffee, While you kids catch up.
Well, the toilet's bubbling.
I think that's a good sign.
Aren't you howard and judy's daughter? I put bailey's in the coffee! Get this party started, as the kids say.
Joe, could i talk to you in the kitchen? What the "h" "e" double hockey sticks Are you doing? Oh, open your eyes! Their marriage is over.
We don't find him somebody, He's going to move back in with us.
So you set him up with his cousin?! What do you want? A 3 headed grandchild? They can adopt! Like that madonna- Will you stop it! Look, carrie and i are going to deal With our own problems by ourselves, ok? You're darn tootin' you will.
You know what you're going to do? You and carrie are going to go talk to father biskup.
He'll straighten you out.
Mom, i-I'm- Don't you mom me! You are going, mister.
Hey! Thanks for painting the bedroom.
And that mural in the bathroom Is amazing.
Oh, you-You like it? I love it! You made me look really busty.
Well, um i'm going to go out and pick up some more paint And maybe something for the top of your curio shelf.
What curio shelf? The one i bought you at the great indoors.
Aww, you're the best.
You're not taking the furniture back! Don't want it.
Just open the door.
I just want to talk to you.
Wipe your wheels.
They're clean.
So, this is it, huh? Yep.
This is the place you promised you'd live.
Why is there a picture of joan collins on your wall? Ok.
If you're not here to tell me you're moving in, I got things i gotta do.
Ok, here's the deal.
My mom found out about us bein' whatever we are.
All right, and she says she's not going to go back down to florida Unless we go see father biskup.
And this is my problem because Because she's right downstairs in the car.
What?! Crap! And as soon as i press this button, Her giant, old lady cell phone is going to ring, And as soon as she figures out how to answer it, She's going to be up here, carrie.
So, you gotta ask yourself.
What's it gonna be? All right! We'll see father biskup.
Good.
But just to be clear, It's only to get your mother off our backs, right? We're just going through the motions.
Deal.
Deal.
Oh And i'm taking back the panini grill.
No, you are not taking back the- Eeeeeee.
Fine! Fine! Where the hell were you? I waited outside the podiatrist's office for 2 hours.
Sorry, i got caught up.
What the hell is that? It's a little, uh, somethin' somethin' For a pretty special lady.
Who? I can't say, it's complicated.
God, you're annoying.
What's your problem? I've had a rough afternoon, all right? You know, i sat with you, when you had your corn shaved.
Look, things are moving pretty fast between me and ms.
X.
And we may be taking our relationship to the next level.
What do you mean? I may be moving out.
I'm sorry i couldn't give you anymore notice.
Don't be sorry.
Roommates are a dime a dozen.
But know this, You walk out that door, you're dead to me.
I'm like an assassin.
I never look back.
Well, it was, uh, good being your roommate.
And uh, you know i- I gotta A lot of stuff to do.
So i'll, uh see you later.
Yeah, whatever.
Take it easy.
Doug, carrie, welcome.
Now, i understand, from doug's mother That you two have hit a little rough patch in your relationship.
Well, in my experience, No matter how difficult things may seem at the moment, There's usually an answer.
Sometimes, where you least expect it.
Well, you've been very helpful.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Wait, wait, wait.
Doug, carrie, i'm not quite done.
Now, carrie, i understand your father Has moved out to get married.
Yeah.
Well, sometimes the departure Of a family member from the household Creates a void in your life.
That's a lot to chew on.
Yeah.
Void where prohibited.
Ok, thank you very much.
You know, i moved back a baptism To make time for you two today.
I thought you were here for spiritual guidance.
Well, the truth is, father, um We were going for more Of the appearance of spiritual guidance.
Pardon me? Uh, the thing is, father, uh We're going to take care of our problem by ourselves, But uh, we came to you because, uh Well, we'd like you to get my mom off our backs.
Oh, how wonderful.
And what can i do to help you deceive your mother? Oh! I mean, she's in the car right now.
So, uh, maybe you could, uh, I don't know, i'm just spitballin' here, Uh, walk us out with your arms around us? Or something like that.
Yes! Yes! With a look on your face Like "i did the best i can do.
" You know what i mean? Yeah, that would be great.
I don't want to do your job for you.
All right.
If we're going to do this, Let's get it over with.
All right! Thank you, father! You're a lifesaver.
Absolutely.
Hey, don't be surprised if there's a little something extra In your, uh, collection plate on sunday.
You know what i'm saying? I'll see you on sunday though.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Just be another minute.
Oh, that's ok, father.
Oh! Hi, suzy! Hey, carrie! I work with her.
How are you? Good! Look at you, you lost the baby weight already.
I know, and here it is! Aw, let me see.
What's his name? He's cute.
Aww! You know, i just remembered, Uh, russ, suzanna? I need you inside to sign a few more baptism papers.
Right now? I was about to feed the baby.
Oh, i'm sure carrie would be happy to do it.
You don't mind, do you? We'll be right in here if you need us.
Sure, go ahead! All right.
Thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
Uh, father b, he's a he's a good egg, isn't he? Yeah, he just likes to hear himself talk though, right? I know.
What was with that whole void thing? I know.
Like what void? What? You d - You don't think the baby's our void.
Do you, doug? I mean, we've been down this road.
I - I we tried to get pregnant.
We can't.
Yeah, but, you know, we could adopt.
My father said that When he tried to set me up with my second cousin.
Look, i never stopped wanting to have a baby, ok? What about you? Are you kidding me? I'll take this one! He's already wrapped and fed.
Let's get out of here.
What are we talking about? We can't adopt.
We're not even living in the same place.
But we could be.
Oh, and i guess you're thinking That i'm the one who should give in, right? I'm just saying, look, you know, i mean a baby Should have a yard where there's fresh air, and you know.
Uh, it can't get fresh air on a fire escape? Fine.
I'll give up the apartment.
But you know, if we adopt a baby, I'm going to have to quit my job for a while.
You know what that means, right? Um, yeah, you're going to be around a lot.
No, it means you're going to have to get a job That pays a lot more.
Oh, come on carrie.
We're not going to go into this stupid sales thing again.
Doug, your uncle said you could make double what you're making now.
It's just that i've been at i.
P.
S Longer than anybody without a promotion.
I mean, i'm right where i want to be.
Look, i know it's scary.
But we're both taking a leap of faith here.
So let me just get this straight.
You're going to get rid of the apartment, I'm going to get a new job, And we're both going to get a baby.
That's the deal that's on the table.
I'm in.
Me too.
Ok, um i'm not pointing fingers, But someone peed on my hand.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Where's the scooter? Totaled it.
By the way, our mailman's suing us.
So, all the paperwork in? Yep, once they give us the green light, We hop on a plane to china, and Hey, i won't even have to gain the 60 pounds.
Yeah, i can't make that promise.
So, how you, uh, doing giving up this place, huh? I'm fine.
You know, we're both making sacrifices.
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
You want me to drop these off with the super? Ah, no.
I'll do it tonight.
Ok.
Hey, since this is your last night in manhattan, You want to, uh Enjoy a new york minute? Uh, sure.
Should we roll out the bubble wrap? I don't think so.
Once i get going, it's going to sound like a gun fight.
Hey, mike.
Good job on the raymond-Jack account.
Thanks.
Yeah! Hey, doug! So how's your first week going? Great so far.
I mean, everyone's been really nice, And gary invited me to lunch at chili's.
Oh, yeah? Stay away from gary.
He'll pretend to be your friend And then bad-Mouth you to everyone.
Actually, i was pretty psyched about going to chili's.
Hey, it's your funeral.
Personally, i'd fire the douche.
But he's my top salesman.
So, uh, anyway, how you doin' doug? You sell any office furniture today? Well, yeah, i-I might have a few leads.
A c.
P.
A.
In paramus might want to buy a chair.
Ok, i don't want to hear about "a guy" and "a chair," I want to hear about a floor, a division, a company! This is a commission business, doug.
You wanna make money? Huh? Gary money? You get out there, and you sell chairs! Capeesh? Yes.
Yes, sir.
Dinelli office furnishings, first in lumbar support.
Doug heffernan.
Have you checked Your apartment in manhattan? Who-Who is this? Just check your apartment.
Ok, we got rid of our apart- Who-Who-Who the hell is this? Dear god, what have i done?
Hello.
What the hell is that?! Warden moved out, Finally got my scooter.
Good for you, doug.
On your own a week And you've already given up cleaning and walking.
So you finally decided to come home.
No.
I just came to get some stuff.
And by the way, my home is in manhattan now.
And you're welcome to join me.
Well, you know what you might want to do? You might want to open a window And check the temperature, Because it's going to be a cold day in hell Before that happens.
Trust me, i'm all for opening up a window.
Ooooooh.
I get it! You're gone.
I'm all by myself and i "smell.
" Ok, where are you going? To get the china.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
My house, my china.
What do you need the china for? You having a dinner party? I'll have a dinner party.
I'll have a dinner party right now! You didn't even know we had china Until i said something.
I know we have china.
Ok.
I love our china! Oh, you love our china? Well, what's the pattern? Um gay! Yeah.
Just stop! You're being an idiot.
No! You know what? nothing but scar tissue now.
Well, fine.
If that's the way you want to play it.
I'll just get some new china.
Oh, yeah? Well, good luck! Because i already maxed out the credit cards Reto-Fitting the suv for this baby! Yeah! That's funny.
Yeah.
What the hell? Holy You've been robbed! Whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait.
What if-What if they're still in the house? I mean i can't die tonight.
I'm wearing very girlish underwear.
Hi, baby.
Just to let you know, I stopped by and grabbed a few things.
But don't worry, i left the china.
Enjoy your dinner party.
This is all your fault! You know, for making us bowl 2 extra frames! We could've stopped her! It's the only sport i'm good at! You had them put up the bumpers! I hardly used them.
You know what? Why don't we just go to cooper's And watch the hockey game there? We do that and she wins! Well, she is good.
Hey! Fine! You know what? I don't need you guys! I don't need her! I don't need anybody! I was going to make you panini, too! You know what? More panini for me! Afanasenkov takes the puck in the corner.
Centers it to ponikarovsky.
Ponikarovsky passes it back to afanasenkov.
And a whistle High-Sticking.
Hello.
Dougie! Oh! Hey, mom.
What's up? Thank god you answered! I've been trying to reach you for days.
I wanted to tell you and carrie That we're flying in.
I had a companion ticket that was about to expire.
Anyway, we just landed.
What?! We should be there in Mom! Dad! Hey! Come have some cheese and crackers.
Where the hell's all your furniture? Oh, uh W- We're having it refurbished.
All of it? Yeah, you know.
It's taking a long time, though, because I've got to be honest, I don't even know how they furbish it in the first place.
Where's carrie? Oh, carrie.
Um Bridge.
She plays bridge? No, she's on the bridge.
Queensboro, she's cleaning it.
It's a community service thing.
It's court ordered.
What's going on here, doug? Here's the thing, uh Carrie, uh She's just got a little apartment in the city, And, uh i'm kind of staying here by myself right now.
It's all good! You're separated? Oh, my god.
No, no, no.
We're not separated.
We're just kind of shaking things up a little bit.
You know separately! I need water.
Hey, you were right.
This seafoam green really pops! I told you! Listen, i want to thank you For keeping doug at the bowling alley.
I never could have gotten the furniture without you.
Hey, it was not easy.
I had to tell him that i needed the bumpers.
I don't! Listen, uh, i know you and doug are friends and- Yeah.
You guys are all about "bros before hos," but This ho really appreciates it.
Thanks.
The cotton is soft.
Ok, well the kitchen is presentable.
I'm going to go upstairs and see If the oven cleaner took care of that toilet situation.
It's open! Hey! Look who's here! Hi.
Hi! Dougie! You remember your second cousin virginia? Oh, yeah.
We played mouse trap At uncle freddy's funeral.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Anyway, i'll put on some coffee, While you kids catch up.
Well, the toilet's bubbling.
I think that's a good sign.
Aren't you howard and judy's daughter? I put bailey's in the coffee! Get this party started, as the kids say.
Joe, could i talk to you in the kitchen? What the "h" "e" double hockey sticks Are you doing? Oh, open your eyes! Their marriage is over.
We don't find him somebody, He's going to move back in with us.
So you set him up with his cousin?! What do you want? A 3 headed grandchild? They can adopt! Like that madonna- Will you stop it! Look, carrie and i are going to deal With our own problems by ourselves, ok? You're darn tootin' you will.
You know what you're going to do? You and carrie are going to go talk to father biskup.
He'll straighten you out.
Mom, i-I'm- Don't you mom me! You are going, mister.
Hey! Thanks for painting the bedroom.
And that mural in the bathroom Is amazing.
Oh, you-You like it? I love it! You made me look really busty.
Well, um i'm going to go out and pick up some more paint And maybe something for the top of your curio shelf.
What curio shelf? The one i bought you at the great indoors.
Aww, you're the best.
You're not taking the furniture back! Don't want it.
Just open the door.
I just want to talk to you.
Wipe your wheels.
They're clean.
So, this is it, huh? Yep.
This is the place you promised you'd live.
Why is there a picture of joan collins on your wall? Ok.
If you're not here to tell me you're moving in, I got things i gotta do.
Ok, here's the deal.
My mom found out about us bein' whatever we are.
All right, and she says she's not going to go back down to florida Unless we go see father biskup.
And this is my problem because Because she's right downstairs in the car.
What?! Crap! And as soon as i press this button, Her giant, old lady cell phone is going to ring, And as soon as she figures out how to answer it, She's going to be up here, carrie.
So, you gotta ask yourself.
What's it gonna be? All right! We'll see father biskup.
Good.
But just to be clear, It's only to get your mother off our backs, right? We're just going through the motions.
Deal.
Deal.
Oh And i'm taking back the panini grill.
No, you are not taking back the- Eeeeeee.
Fine! Fine! Where the hell were you? I waited outside the podiatrist's office for 2 hours.
Sorry, i got caught up.
What the hell is that? It's a little, uh, somethin' somethin' For a pretty special lady.
Who? I can't say, it's complicated.
God, you're annoying.
What's your problem? I've had a rough afternoon, all right? You know, i sat with you, when you had your corn shaved.
Look, things are moving pretty fast between me and ms.
X.
And we may be taking our relationship to the next level.
What do you mean? I may be moving out.
I'm sorry i couldn't give you anymore notice.
Don't be sorry.
Roommates are a dime a dozen.
But know this, You walk out that door, you're dead to me.
I'm like an assassin.
I never look back.
Well, it was, uh, good being your roommate.
And uh, you know i- I gotta A lot of stuff to do.
So i'll, uh see you later.
Yeah, whatever.
Take it easy.
Doug, carrie, welcome.
Now, i understand, from doug's mother That you two have hit a little rough patch in your relationship.
Well, in my experience, No matter how difficult things may seem at the moment, There's usually an answer.
Sometimes, where you least expect it.
Well, you've been very helpful.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Wait, wait, wait.
Doug, carrie, i'm not quite done.
Now, carrie, i understand your father Has moved out to get married.
Yeah.
Well, sometimes the departure Of a family member from the household Creates a void in your life.
That's a lot to chew on.
Yeah.
Void where prohibited.
Ok, thank you very much.
You know, i moved back a baptism To make time for you two today.
I thought you were here for spiritual guidance.
Well, the truth is, father, um We were going for more Of the appearance of spiritual guidance.
Pardon me? Uh, the thing is, father, uh We're going to take care of our problem by ourselves, But uh, we came to you because, uh Well, we'd like you to get my mom off our backs.
Oh, how wonderful.
And what can i do to help you deceive your mother? Oh! I mean, she's in the car right now.
So, uh, maybe you could, uh, I don't know, i'm just spitballin' here, Uh, walk us out with your arms around us? Or something like that.
Yes! Yes! With a look on your face Like "i did the best i can do.
" You know what i mean? Yeah, that would be great.
I don't want to do your job for you.
All right.
If we're going to do this, Let's get it over with.
All right! Thank you, father! You're a lifesaver.
Absolutely.
Hey, don't be surprised if there's a little something extra In your, uh, collection plate on sunday.
You know what i'm saying? I'll see you on sunday though.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Just be another minute.
Oh, that's ok, father.
Oh! Hi, suzy! Hey, carrie! I work with her.
How are you? Good! Look at you, you lost the baby weight already.
I know, and here it is! Aw, let me see.
What's his name? He's cute.
Aww! You know, i just remembered, Uh, russ, suzanna? I need you inside to sign a few more baptism papers.
Right now? I was about to feed the baby.
Oh, i'm sure carrie would be happy to do it.
You don't mind, do you? We'll be right in here if you need us.
Sure, go ahead! All right.
Thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
Uh, father b, he's a he's a good egg, isn't he? Yeah, he just likes to hear himself talk though, right? I know.
What was with that whole void thing? I know.
Like what void? What? You d - You don't think the baby's our void.
Do you, doug? I mean, we've been down this road.
I - I we tried to get pregnant.
We can't.
Yeah, but, you know, we could adopt.
My father said that When he tried to set me up with my second cousin.
Look, i never stopped wanting to have a baby, ok? What about you? Are you kidding me? I'll take this one! He's already wrapped and fed.
Let's get out of here.
What are we talking about? We can't adopt.
We're not even living in the same place.
But we could be.
Oh, and i guess you're thinking That i'm the one who should give in, right? I'm just saying, look, you know, i mean a baby Should have a yard where there's fresh air, and you know.
Uh, it can't get fresh air on a fire escape? Fine.
I'll give up the apartment.
But you know, if we adopt a baby, I'm going to have to quit my job for a while.
You know what that means, right? Um, yeah, you're going to be around a lot.
No, it means you're going to have to get a job That pays a lot more.
Oh, come on carrie.
We're not going to go into this stupid sales thing again.
Doug, your uncle said you could make double what you're making now.
It's just that i've been at i.
P.
S Longer than anybody without a promotion.
I mean, i'm right where i want to be.
Look, i know it's scary.
But we're both taking a leap of faith here.
So let me just get this straight.
You're going to get rid of the apartment, I'm going to get a new job, And we're both going to get a baby.
That's the deal that's on the table.
I'm in.
Me too.
Ok, um i'm not pointing fingers, But someone peed on my hand.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Where's the scooter? Totaled it.
By the way, our mailman's suing us.
So, all the paperwork in? Yep, once they give us the green light, We hop on a plane to china, and Hey, i won't even have to gain the 60 pounds.
Yeah, i can't make that promise.
So, how you, uh, doing giving up this place, huh? I'm fine.
You know, we're both making sacrifices.
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
You want me to drop these off with the super? Ah, no.
I'll do it tonight.
Ok.
Hey, since this is your last night in manhattan, You want to, uh Enjoy a new york minute? Uh, sure.
Should we roll out the bubble wrap? I don't think so.
Once i get going, it's going to sound like a gun fight.
Hey, mike.
Good job on the raymond-Jack account.
Thanks.
Yeah! Hey, doug! So how's your first week going? Great so far.
I mean, everyone's been really nice, And gary invited me to lunch at chili's.
Oh, yeah? Stay away from gary.
He'll pretend to be your friend And then bad-Mouth you to everyone.
Actually, i was pretty psyched about going to chili's.
Hey, it's your funeral.
Personally, i'd fire the douche.
But he's my top salesman.
So, uh, anyway, how you doin' doug? You sell any office furniture today? Well, yeah, i-I might have a few leads.
A c.
P.
A.
In paramus might want to buy a chair.
Ok, i don't want to hear about "a guy" and "a chair," I want to hear about a floor, a division, a company! This is a commission business, doug.
You wanna make money? Huh? Gary money? You get out there, and you sell chairs! Capeesh? Yes.
Yes, sir.
Dinelli office furnishings, first in lumbar support.
Doug heffernan.
Have you checked Your apartment in manhattan? Who-Who is this? Just check your apartment.
Ok, we got rid of our apart- Who-Who-Who the hell is this? Dear god, what have i done?