The Middle s09e11 Episode Script

1 Hey! Thanks for the Christmas gift.
And by the way, nice try.
You're still not going to get out of scratching my back.
You dropped foot rubbing.
But, yeah, that's right.
You're still going to have to touch me.
Mm.
Want to know what my dad got me? A trip with him in the car destination unknown.
That's weird, even for him.
He's probably going to drag me up to Canada to pick up some cheap arthritis medicine.
Or, if I'm really lucky, he got a line on 50 old fax machines in French Lick.
I'm going to take the boys with me in case it's something heavy.
You're taking Brick to do the heavy lifting? Eh, he can talk to my dad.
You're taking Brick to talk to your dad? Well, I can't make Axl go and not Brick.
You're the one who's always telling me I got to treat them fairly.
Hey, Axl, come here! - Why?! - 'Cause I said so! Did you put another present for me under the tree? No, just come here.
You come here! You're going on a trip with Grandpa and me.
- So is Brick.
- What?! - Where?! - I don't know! - How can you not know?! - Don't we get a say in this?! I gave you guys a chance to come out here and you blew it.
- God! - I'm pooping.
Those are the two you want to take? Oh, I'm taking them.
Not sure I'm bringing them back.
Yep.
Ohh, you're taking down the Christmas tree? That's how I know it's Valentine's Day.
Well, I'm on a new hormone I got at the sale bin at Walgreens.
Gave me a burst of energy.
Oh.
- Mom.
- Yeah? Okay, remember when I said I liked somebody, but I wasn't ready to tell you, but I'd tell you when the moment was right? This is it? This is the moment? - It's happening? - It's happening.
Oh, my God! Spill.
It's Sean.
Sean who? Sean Penn? Sean Connery? Sean the bagger from the Frugal Hoosier? Noooo.
[GASPS.]
Shut up! Yeah, can you believe it? This is crazy.
And I have to say, Sue, I am so touched that you told me first.
I wonder if Sean told Nancy.
Oh, shut up, Frankie, it's not a competition.
Okay, start from the beginning.
I want to hear everything.
Okay, well, I guess I've sort of always had a crush on him.
That summer that he helped Axl paint the garage.
Carly and I made them lemonade, like, every day.
And I would always say, "Oh, do you want it tart or sweet".
And Sean would say, "I want it sweet, just like you, Suzy Q".
Aww! But then I dated Darrin in high school.
Ugh.
I can say that now.
But over the past couple years, we've gotten to know each other more, and he is always so nice and he shows up when I need a date for things.
And I never thought that he viewed me as more than a friend, but last night we kissed.
- [ORNAMENT SHATTERS.]
- Oh, my gosh, are you okay? Yeah, just bleeding.
Keep talking.
I want to hear the details.
- Okay.
- So how was the kiss? I've always imagined he's a good kisser That sounds bad.
It was amazing! I don't even know how to describe it.
Okay, remember when we were driving to Axl's baseball game and I saw a pack of baby deer running underneath that double rainbow? It was like that, expect Dad wasn't yelling, "We're not pulling over".
Oh, Sue, this is amazing.
I am so happy for you.
But then it just stopped.
What do you mean, "it stopped"? Who stopped it? You stopped it or he stopped it? I don't know! I am so confused.
I don't even know if he likes me.
Of course he likes you.
People don't go around kissing people they don't like.
And anyway, he started it, right? He kissed you first? Oh, come on, Sue.
You don't know who started it, you don't know who stopped it.
This is not the best post-kiss report I've ever heard.
I know! But I might have leaned in first and he maybe only kissed me back to be polite.
It is a very Donahue thing to do.
Then once it stopped, we just started apologizing to each other.
Is that normal? Do people apologize for kissing people they like? Only after you burp, but that's much later.
Listen, of course he likes you.
I mean, you're a smart, wonderful, adorable woman.
Any guy would be lucky to have you.
You really think so? Absolutely.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Aww! Oh, got blood on your sweater.
That's okay.
It's red.
Brick, come here! May I help you? Where did you come from? I was literally here when you came in.
I asked you how your day was.
Ugh.
Can't believe Dad's making us go on this stupid trip.
I start my job next week.
I need this time to relax.
What about me? I'm finally off school.
It's my holiday.
Oh, what? It's your holiday? What are you, British now? Ooh, where are you holidaying? I'm holidaying in the south of Orson.
I might pop across the pond to Terre Haute for some crumpets and tea.
Are you finished? I'm sorry, Brick.
I just really don't want to go on this trip.
On the plus side, every time we see Grandpa Big Mike he gives us each $5.
Yeah, I guess, but five bucks doesn't get you that much anymore.
I feel like he could kick it up a notch.
Well, he is pretty old.
He probably still thinks $5 is a lot of money.
Of course he does! Pretty sure he bought his house for, like, $5.
But this is untenable, Brick.
That means not tenable.
Okay, let me think.
Hold on.
Oh, okay.
Here's the plan.
When we see Grandpa, drop a few hints.
You know, casually work into the conversation that things cost more these days.
I could mention bookmarks have gone from a nickel to eight cents.
Have they ever done genetic testing on us 'cause I'd be very interested in those results.
You know, Dad, I gave up my day off to drive you.
It doesn't seem like an unreasonable request to ask where we're going.
I paid for the gas.
Which, by the way, has also gone up in price.
Our generation is really taking a hit.
So what you're saying, brother, is just to pick a number out of the air $5 from yesteryear is equal to $10 today? Wow! Wow is right.
FRANKIE: And then out of the blue, a strange thing happened.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I traded my horse for a bike? Grandpa Big Mike actually started talking.
I was about 11 years old And once he started, he couldn't stop.
bike and I wanted one in the worst way.
It's been a week, Brad, and not one word.
A week! That has to be a sign, right? Brad, are you even listening to me? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm still trying to figure out this socket wrench thingy my dad got me for Christmas.
I asked for a yoga ball and he gets me this.
You know what this means, right? Sean obviously regretted the whole thing.
I don't know what to do.
I mean, I talked to my mom, but she just gave me the typical mom speech.
Let me guess, "You're beautiful and any man would be lucky to have you".
I got the same speech from my mom.
You want me to go to the Donahues'? I could say I'm selling tulip bulbs for the Orson Theater and see what the vibe is.
No, they're not even home.
The whole family went skiing in Michigan.
They wrap it up into community service and pick up trash on the slopes.
Oh.
I just wish I knew what Sean was thinking.
So just send him a casual text.
Do you guys have a text-y relationship? Not really.
Okay, let's see.
The last thing I texted him was "My toenail is black.
Should I have it looked at?" Well, he's studying to be a doctor.
You need to text him, Sue.
Why would anyone find this fun? Ugh, well, I mean the case is nice.
I guess I could put my stage makeup in it.
You're right, Brad.
I am not going to even think about it.
I'm just going to do it.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
How do you do? No! Oh, it auto-corrected to "Fliberdoo".
Oh, thank God.
Who says, "How do you do"? You're right.
Got to keep is cazsh.
How are the slopes? Blopes?! Ugh! [PHONE VIBRATES.]
Oh! He's answering! I can't look! Tell me what it said.
"The blopes are fine.
See you soon.
Dollar-sign, horse head".
Oh, my God, you guys are both terrible texters.
You are made for each other.
Sue, I'm telling you.
This is a good sign he wants to see you again.
Not necessarily.
He's just being nice.
That's probably why he kissed me in the first place.
You know what we need to do? Send him a dolphin emoji? No, definitely not.
We need to set up another kiss opportunity.
And then if he kisses me again, we'll know he really likes me.
I have an idea, but we need an old streetcar, a homeless saxophone player, and 30 racially diverse extras.
Hmm.
Oh! Oh, this is fun! Oh, this'll be great for New Year's Eve.
Wait a sec.
We just have to get you and Sean in the same room New Year's Eve.
Everyone knows at midnight you kiss the person you like.
That is an amazing plan, Brad.
Oh, wait.
Except everyone kisses everyone on New Year's Eve.
Right, but you kiss the one that means the most to you first.
You're right.
They were having a contest 100 miles later and Big Mike was still talking.
and I was the only one in the county who could swim across the whole river and back.
And that's how I won my first ribbon.
Who put a quarter in you? A quarter? If you put a quarter in someone nowadays, it would have to be at least $1.
25.
Sad, but true, Brick.
Here's another good one.
When Michael was just a baby, he wouldn't stop crying.
And he cried so hard that no sound would come out.
[MUTED.]
Bwah.
He was one whiny baby.
Okay, get on with the story.
Your mom had what these days would be called "postnatal depression".
But back then we just called it having a spell.
So your Aunt Violet rode over on her tractor to look after you during the night.
And I gave your mom a little vodka and took her off to the church social.
The band played and I asked her to dance.
And it became our special song.
On a clear day Rise and look around you And you'll see who you are On a Oh, there it is! There's the tree.
You can pull over now.
I want you to leave me here to die.
I've always been partial to this spot.
This is where I asked your mom to marry me.
That's a great story, Dad, but what the hell's happening? Yeah, Grandpa, are you sick? Not yet, but it's just a matter of time.
I'm sure the next few years are not going to be pretty, why belabor it? I'd rather just lie down, be covered by a blanket of snow, and just drift away.
But what if you're still alive in the morning? Well, then, the next night'll get me for sure.
Be a good boy and gather some leaves, make a death-pillow for Grandpa.
Come on, Dad.
Knock it off.
We don't want you to die.
Of course you don't 'cause you're next.
- Wait, Grandpa, what? - You have so much to live for! Like what? Look, I've already told you my stories.
There's no point in dragging this out.
Alright, Dad, if that's the way you want it.
See ya later.
- BRICK: Wait.
What?! - AXL: Dad, we can't just Mom, I need to talk to you about the Sean thing.
I didn't tell anyone.
Okay, I did tell the receptionist at Curves, but she lives two towns over.
Wait, you went to Curves? Oh, no, I had to stop and get my I.
D.
made for this year.
That way, I can park in their parking spot when I go to the donut shop across the street.
So, what's up? I need you to throw a New Year's Eve party tonight.
What?! Tonight? Sue, that's crazy.
You don't throw a New Year's Eve party at the last minute.
Besides, I just had a Christmas Eve party and the only food I have are these leftover baloney rolls, which are suspect at best.
Well, Brad and I were talking and we thought a good way to figure out if Sean likes me is if he kisses me for a second time on New Year's Eve.
I mean, doesn't Dad always kiss you on New Year's Eve? Your dad's usually asleep by 9:30, but I suppose he would.
Eh, I can't guarantee it.
Mom, please! I need to figure this thing out one way or the other.
I can't go back to school feeling this way.
My nerves can't handle it.
My stomach is all fliberdoo oh, that's why it auto-corrected to that.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, clean the dog puke in the back hallway and fire up the bathroom candle.
The Hecks are having a party.
Oh! What are you doing? We can't just leave Grandpa.
You're going to go back, right? Why should I? He said he wants to die.
Oh, my God! Your family's so weird.
I'm so lucky I got Mom's genes.
What about me?! I feel like I have more of Dad's.
It doesn't have to end this way! He just needs a reason to live! I could get him into my "Planet Nowhere" books.
They're riveting! I saw an old vacuum cleaner on the side of the highway a couple miles back! I mean, he's too young to die! He's got more stories to tell! He never gave us the $5! Did Grandma really get sick, or did you leave her in the woods, you monster?! Keep your pants on back there.
I'm just trying to scare him.
Remember the time you guys were fighting, I told you to get out of the car and said you had to walk home? We did walk home! Point is, you learned a lesson.
No, we didn't.
We fought the whole way home.
We still fight to this day.
We've learned nothing! Seriously, we can't play games here.
The temperature's dropping and his skin is paper thin.
Relax, I'm turning around.
Boy, you guys are going to be horrible fathers.
So we were throwing our second party in a week, all to get Sue her second kiss.
Happy New Year! Wow, a Christmas Eve party and now a New Year's Eve party? If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to move in on my territory.
You better not be having a Valentine's Day party.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'm serious.
Don't.
Hey, Nancy, Ron, anybody interested in appetizers? I have some baloney rolls in the dining room.
These aren't the same baloney rolls we had on Christmas Eve, are they? It's the same recipe.
It's not like I threw them in the garage all week to keep them cold.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi! Mrs.
Donahue, party emergency! We ran out of toothpicks with the frilly ends! Oh! What color do you need? So how were the "blopes"? Oh, well, it was Michigan, so it was just one "blope".
Right.
Sean! Hey! I haven't seen you in forever! Hey, Carly! So nice that you could pop in, Carly.
- I know you got to run.
- Yeah.
Actually, I think I might stay for the countdown.
Oh, no, sitters are expensive and you got to get back home to that baby of yours you know the choices we make and all that.
[LAUGHS.]
[COYOTE HOWLS.]
[SIGHS.]
Alright, Dad, enough's enough.
Time to go home.
Dad? Grandpa? Oh, my God! You killed Grandpa! - How could you let this happen? - This is all your fault! I was trying to scare him.
Hard to die with all this racket going on.
Dad, you almost gave me a heart attack.
Come on, this is nuts.
Aside from being you, you've got it pretty good.
You got a million reasons to live.
Like what? [SIGHS.]
Well, all those malls are closing down.
Those clothing racks have got to go somewhere.
That's tempting, but you should have said something months ago.
I'm already in the dying mood.
Why, Dad? You're completely fine.
Well, I already had you drive me up here.
We kind of put this whole thing in motion.
I don't want to be a bother.
You don't want to be a bother? Well, actually, Dad, if you die, I got to buy a coffin, I got to arrange a funeral, call all the relatives, think of something to write on your tombstone.
Not to mention that it's the middle of the winter.
We're going to have to store you someplace 'til the spring when the ground thaws.
That's all going to be a big pain in the butt.
Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
What are you standing around for, boys? Help me up.
We don't have a chance in hell of being normal.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
What's happening? Sean and Sue were talking by the refrigerator, then she did one of those laughs that turned into a snort - and walked away.
- Oh, crap.
She's over there with Old Man Johnson.
He's probably talking her ear off about his kitchen fire.
He thinks he's the first guy whose toaster ever burst into flames.
She's too nice.
And you know what they say, "Nice girls who waste their time at parties talking to old men instead of their cute neighbor do not get kissed at midnight".
We need them together at the stroke of midnight.
I've got to break this up.
Hey, Mike.
Things are happening.
I can't tell you what, but major stuff is going down.
[SIGHS.]
You know what else is going down? Me.
Happy New Year.
No kiss.
Sorry to interrupt, Mr.
Johnson.
I just had a couple follow-up questions about your kitchen fire.
Ah, so and then I went with the English muffin instead of my traditional wheat toast.
Uh-huh.
And then kaboom! Excuse us, Mr.
J.
Launch control to Houston, we are a go for launch! Oh, yeah.
Sue and Sean are strategically placed near each other and we've got five minutes 'til midnight.
It's going to be a Happy New Year! Look who is home from college Nicole! She decided to keep her newly-separated Dad company on New Year's Eve.
Hey, you guys! Great to see you! You got here just in time! Wow, Nicole, I don't know what the weather is like at Purdue, but here in Orson, it's winter.
You must be freezing.
Let me help you.
There we go.
Great! That's better.
[SCOFFS.]
Just FYI, those baloney rolls have been in the garage for a week.
Oh.
I don't have much of an appetite anyway.
Dad pretending to drive away while Grandpa pretended to be dead really threw me.
Yeah, 2017 is ending with a resounding "weird".
Mm-hmm.
I kind of feel bad for Grandpa.
Maybe we should go over and hang out with him.
I mean, I never thought of him as a person before.
He was always just kind of a cash-giving, hoarding old guy whose scabs took forever to heal.
Yeah, he had really cool stories.
I can't believe he arm wrestled that cop to get out of a ticket.
And she almost beat him.
I bet he has more stories.
I know he has three beer fridges and a very slippery moral compass.
I'll get my jacket! Meet you outside.
It's one minute to midnight! [ALL CHEERING.]
Ah.
Here we are again! First Christmas Eve, now New Year's Eve.
It's like we can't stop spending "eves" together.
One minute and it is so on.
Yeah, about Christmas Eve, I NICOLE: Sean Donahue! Afghan down, exposed belly ring at 6:00.
My dad has a picture on his phone of our whole bus stop group from 5th grade.
You have to come see it! It's hilarious! - Um, well - Oh, dammit! We have to get her away from him! I got this.
It's time for Brad to get his flirt on.
- Where's you get that top? - 20 seconds! Did I tell you about my kitchen fire? Happy New Year, Dr.
Donahue! I miss Paula.
This is just really been a rough time.
GUESTS: Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! These baloney rolls are dynamite! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year! [HORNS BLOWING.]
Aidan! I got my shift covered and I thought I'd come and surprise you.
Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Yeah, oh my Hey, Sean, taking off? You need to know something.
I like Sue.
I've liked her for a long time, and I know you don't like your friends dating your sister, but I'm through being a nice guy.
I don't know if she likes me or if she doesn't like me, but I'm not giving up.
May not happen tonight, but it's going to happen.
[SIGHS.]
Weird, weird night.