Frasier s09e12 Episode Script

Excuse me, Cam.
Oh, hello, Frasier.
Still driving a sedan? Yes, well, at least mine fits in the allotted space.
Unlike this new behemoth you're driving.
Well, actually it's the Behemoth XL.
Well, use care getting out.
FRASIER: Come back here.
You know very well I can't get out! Oh.
I'm sorry.
Let me see what I can do about that.
[CHOKING.]
Oh! Tough break.
If I move, I'll be over the line on the other side.
But you're over the line on this side.
Actually, if you were standing out here, you would see that I am just on the line, which, as we both know, is in.
If I were standing out there we wouldn't be having this conversation.
I wish I could help.
Maybe next time you'll think twice before calling the police when I have a party.
What makes you think it was me? You're the only one in the building I didn't invite.
[CAR ALARM BEEPS.]
[GRUNTING.]
For God's sake.
[PANTING.]
Ooh! Aah! DAPHNE: Thanks again for the ride, Roz.
ROZ: Sure, no problem.
Isn't this a lot of stuff for just one night? Oh, it's not for one night.
Niles and I have decided to keep a few things at each other's houses.
You know, save running back and forth.
There you are.
I thought I heard you come in.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, hey, Roz.
- Niles.
- My God, what is all that? Oh, it's the stuff I'm gonna be keeping at your place.
Since you're here, do you mind giving me a ride? What's wrong with your car? I had to lend it to Frasier.
His is drying out.
Long story.
Well, uh, I don't think I'm gonna be able to get all that stuff in my car.
Oh, once we get the rest of Daphne's stuff out, there'll be plenty of room.
These are all my things.
Oh.
Well, uh, I guess I could do without this dressing gown.
Oh, but what if I'm wearing dark pyjamas? Eh.
Yeah, that would be all crazy.
Niles, maybe if I take the seat out of my car, I can cram all this stuff in.
Yeah, that might work, but let's not move anything until Niles and I have a little discussion about this.
Um Well, I definitely know I'm gonna need this one.
- Oh.
I'll take it down.
- Okay, thanks.
- Niles, what do you have in here? - Um, ties.
Something wrong? Where are we supposed to put all this? I cleared out two drawers.
This will fill two closets.
Well, we said we'd both bring whatever we needed for any eventuality.
Isn't there anything you can leave behind? I don't see how.
I have formal, semi-formal, dishabille, wet weather, cold weather, cloudy.
I mean, if there's something here you find excessive, jump right in.
I just don't have the space, and I don't see your brother giving up any of his.
Maybe this isn't gonna work.
I'm sorry.
I thought this would make things easier.
- And it would if I had more room.
- Hmm.
You're right.
That was thoughtless of me.
Guess I'm just used to rattling around here all by myself.
Sometimes I think this is too much space for just one person.
- You know - Yes? - You could live here.
- Are you asking me? - Would you like to? - Would you like me to? - Yeah.
- Then I will.
Okay.
Wow.
[LAUGHING.]
- That was a big thing.
- I'll say.
- I'm gonna live in your apartment.
- Our apartment.
Our apartment.
Oh, my, I'm gonna have to practise saying that.
"Let's go back to our apartment.
" Yeah.
"Why don't we meet at our apartment?" "Oh, my, our apartment has a gas leak.
" "Oh, no, our apartment's going to explode!" "Oh, no, there goes our apartment!" - So, what else we taking? DAPHNE: Good news, Roz.
- Niles and I are moving in together.
- Oh, hey, that's great news.
So I didn't have to strip two bolts and grease up my shirt moving the seat out after all.
Nope.
And you didn't need to take Niles' ties down either.
No, no, no, but I will get the ties.
You stay here in our apartment.
- Our apartment.
Our living room.
- Yes.
- Our fireplace.
Yeah.
- Our kitchen.
- Our bedroom.
- Our bedroom.
I'll get the ties.
You should've been at the condo board meeting.
You missed all the excitement.
Now, don't tell me.
People argued about some dumb building policy and then you all had cookies.
Not this time.
I gave the greatest speech of my condo-board career.
Which led to a vote, which led to the ruling that Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the sub-basement.
Then we had cookies.
My mistake.
- How did Cam take it? - He was livid, thank you.
[LAUGHING.]
But I pointed out that the emissions from his over-sized vehicle endangered the health of anyone passing through the lobby and I won the day.
People bought that? Dad, I am an orator, hmm? It is not only that which is said, but the passion with which it is said.
You're saying it now and it just sounds like a lot of hooey.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
That's because I'm not orating right now.
Oh, just go back to your paper.
Ah.
Good afternoon again, Cam.
Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW.
Cam, if there is any benefit to me, it is the cleaner air which we will all now breathe.
Oh, get off your high horse.
You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours? Bigger.
Ha! That wasn't funny.
I'm sorry, Cam, but I believe the issue is closed.
It was voted on by the majority in the spirit of the great democracy that is America.
I believe that is check and mate.
Good day.
Boo-hoo, Cam.
No more blocking my driver's-side door.
You think that's smart, ticking off the guy who lives right above us? Dad, we are protected by this building's constitution.
Believe me, I will have Cam cited for a noise violation if he so much as drops a hint.
- Hi.
- Hello.
FRASIER: Hey.
- Hello.
I'm glad you're both here.
We have news.
I'm moving in with Niles.
MARTIN: Oh.
That is a big decision.
My goodness.
MARTIN: Yeah.
FRASIER: Congratulations.
Wow.
It's not gonna be the same around here without you.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Don't worry, I'll still be around plenty, even if I'm not living here.
Hello? Oh, Mum.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I've been meaning to call, but Dr.
Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance.
- I do not.
- Let her say whatever she needs to.
Yeah, and poor old Mr.
Crane.
He's so feeble he can't even make it to the loo by himself.
- Hey! [MOUTHS.]
Sorry.
Can you believe it? I am actually going to be living under the same roof with the woman I adore.
If you'd told me that this was gonna happen, I'd have said you were crazy.
I know exactly how you feel.
You know, I used to think that Cam Winston's SUV was immovable.
And now look at me.
Well, I think this calls for a celebration.
- How about some champagne? - Oh, stay there, I'll get the Dom.
Well, it's the end of an era.
Yeah.
It's been the three of us under this roof for nine years.
Do you remember when Daphne first came here? She was so young and naïve.
I didn't think she'd last a week.
Yet she somehow managed to forge a relationship with a blustery psychiatrist and a crotchety old man.
And with me too.
Yes, Dad, with you too.
Well, we knew she wouldn't be around forever, but I never would've guessed she'd end up with Niles.
I know.
He's come so far since the dark days of Maris and Mel.
Well, I guess from now on it's just you and I.
You and me, Dad.
This is gonna be great.
- So, Niles, when is moving day? - As soon as possible.
Once we made the decision, neither of us wants to waste a second.
- Well, the move's off.
- What? Just temporarily.
My parents are coming for a visit.
Well, what does that have to do with us living together? Well, I just think, with all the confusion there is involved with a move, it's best if we wait till after they leave.
Or we could call a mover and have your stuff over at my place by tomorrow.
And your parents could stay with us.
Oh, Niles, that is so sweet.
I know they'll love that.
But I think I should wait until after their visit to move.
- Daphne, what's going on? - Nothing.
I just think Well, why rush? Moving is something to be enjoyed.
So just to clarify, you're going to stay here, but your parents are going to stay with me? I'm so glad you understand.
[MOUTHS.]
What happened? I hope Daphne's not having trouble with their luggage.
I should have gone with her to the airport.
What kind of impression does it make that I didn't go? - She didn't want you to go with her.
- What does that say? FRASIER: Niles, will you relax? You always make a good first impression.
Second.
The first I made when I kidnapped their daughter from her wedding.
Oh, God, where are my crab croquettes? - In the warming oven.
- They'll dry out.
- I'll serve them.
NILES: They'll get cold.
Oh! I don't know.
I don't know.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Now! Now! Crab croquettes! Dad, Dad, it's showtime.
Keep your wits about you.
Right, I'll just follow your lead.
Oh, Mrs.
Moon.
Welcome.
Come in.
- Mum, you remember Niles? - Of course.
You know, I was quite cross with you when you stole my daughter away from that rich lawyer, but from the looks of this place, you do all right.
NILES: Oh.
Heh.
Uh, nice to see you again, Mrs.
Moon.
Martin Crane.
Oh, of course.
You're the one who's kind enough to keep my daughter employed.
It's not kindness.
She does a great job.
Well, she does what she can with what God gave her.
Um, where's Mr.
Moon? Oh.
Well, actually there's been a slight change of plans.
Hello, hello.
- Simon! - Simon? MARTIN: Buddy, how you doing? - Well, I'm thirsty for a start.
Then let's care of that.
Oh, I could use a tiny nip of something myself.
What is your brother doing here? My dad couldn't make it, so Mum brought him instead.
Why? Why didn't your dad come? I don't know.
I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised.
- Dad doesn't like to travel.
- Why not? You know, that flight made my feet swell up like a couple of Christmas hams.
Oh, Simon, give them a rub.
I rubbed them halfway across the Atlantic.
Hey, Fras, I got an idea.
Why doesn't Simon stay with us? Oh, oh.
That's very kind of you, Marty.
Yes, well, it is, except it's Uh, well, I think there'll be more room here at Niles'.
Oh.
Yes, although Frasier's apartment is, uh, closer to a pizza restaurant.
Yes, but Niles' is closer to a liquor mart.
Now, now, now, I don't want you boys fighting over me.
Dad, how many channels does that satellite of yours get? - Five hundred.
- We have a winner.
Uh, Mum, your room's gonna be down that hallway on the left if you'd like to freshen up.
Oh, look who's the lady of the house.
Spend a lot of time here, do you? Are you kidding? She probably had it off in every room.
Simon Moon, bite your tongue.
My baby girl's a virgin.
Isn't that so, Daphne? Of course, Mum.
It's you who'll have your leg over any filth that moves.
I don't care if they're moving.
[GERTRUDE LAUGHING.]
Um, Daphne, could I see you in the kitchen for just a sec? Excuse us.
Should we stop at the supermarket on the way home? I'm very fond of those ham-and-cheese Hot Pockets that you had last year.
Oh, I keep those stocked.
Everything's just like you remember.
Well, there has been one small change.
The liquor cabinet has a lock.
Yeah.
Well, my new moped had a lock too.
Ha-ha! My mother is very old-fashioned.
But if she thinks you're a virgin, how are you going to explain our plan to live together? I wonder how important it is that she ever finds out.
What are you saying? We're just not gonna tell her? Well, I can still get my mail at your brother's, and my phone messages.
And we can screen calls here.
That's ridiculous.
We're adults.
We're not gonna sneak around.
Well, it's not forever.
Mum's getting on in years, and she smokes like a chimney.
[OVEN DINGS.]
Your mother really thinks you're still a virgin? Niles, who cares what Mum thinks? - Daphne.
- Fresh.
Hey, you better not let Frasier see you wipe your hands on the couch.
He's mad enough that you ate that stuff he puts on his face.
I'm telling you, it was marmalade.
Do you mind? Feet off the furniture.
You heard, Eddie.
Get off.
Go on.
- He's talking to you.
- Ooh! Daphne, dear, I've finally figured out what's wrong with your outfit.
It's made for a smaller woman.
Now, hold on.
I was there when she picked out that outfit.
- I think it's abso ROZ: Thanks for dinner.
That was really great.
You're welcome.
Uh, well, the best is still ahead.
Wait till you taste the apple crisp that Daphne made for dessert.
ROZ: Mm.
Is that that delicious apple thing with the crispy bits on top? We still have ice cream.
Well, well, this is getting embarrassing.
- Simon, how could you? - Well, the ice cream was Marty's idea.
Only the first bowl.
Daphne, don't go picking on your brother.
I'll just have my tea.
Niles, be a dear and get me a pillow for my head.
And I wouldn't get too settled in.
You'll need to take me home soon so I can take my medicine.
I thought I suggested you bring that with you.
Daphne, dear, aren't you lucky to be dating a man who's always right? I'll just go put the kettle on.
Mum, I wish you'd stop bossing everyone around.
Oh, oh, oh.
Listen to my silly girl.
If she knew how to deal with men, she'd have a husband by now.
Pillow for you, dear.
Here you go.
Just rest your head, and I'll, uh, see how Frasier's doing with the kettle.
Rose, you're looking fit.
You know, I'd have gone too if I'd known you were going to dinner.
I hope you've left room for afters.
[ROZ SCOFFS.]
I have a boyfriend now, Simon.
So you can just lay off.
You what? I thought you would wait for my return.
Oh, well.
Let's have another go, then, for old times' sake.
- We never had a go.
- We didn't? Who was that, then? For the last five days that woman has made my life a living hell.
You wanna trade? Simon put my 65-dollar apricot skin polish on his muffins.
Simon is a boor, but at least he's not cruel.
You hear the way she talks to Daphne, and Daphne just takes it.
Well, it's understandable, Niles.
I mean, after all, she only sees her mother rarely.
I suppose it's just easier to bite her tongue than to engage in some kind of ugly confrontation.
Well, maybe so, but it's just frustrating to see Daphne so timid.
I wish she'd stand up for herself, stand up for us.
Or I'll tell you, if she doesn't, I just might.
Well, I'm sure she will when the time is right.
Meanwhile, they are her family, and our guests.
Let's remember that.
SIMON: Oi, Frasier, can I use this as an ashtray? Son of a bitch! FRASIER: Do not use that.
Please.
Here, here.
GERTRUDE: An empty can? I would have thought, with all your fancy dingle-dangles, you'd have something nicer for your guests who smoke.
Well, customarily, my guests who smoke do so on the balcony.
This is lovely, thank you.
Ugh.
Do you mind? Oh, come on, Rose, we both know that this boyfriend thing is a ruse.
You don't have to play hard to get with me.
I really do have a boyfriend.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- What's his name? - Roger.
- What colour is his hair? - Brown.
- What's his name? - Roger.
Is that the name you just said a minute ago? - I think Eddie could use a walk.
- I could use one too.
- I'm just going across the street - Yeah, that's great.
I'd love to.
You know, I have an idea.
- Let's have a toast.
- Well, it's about bloody time.
To my very favourite couple, Niles and Daphne.
You don't know my brother very well, Mrs.
Moon, but I assure you, he and your daughter share a boundless love.
One that is sure to endure as long as that of my parents' and of yours and your husband's.
[SOBBING.]
Well, now you've dropped a clanger.
- What is it, Mum? - Oh, tell them, Simon.
Ugh.
Dad scarpered.
- He left? SIMON: Yeah.
It's true.
Dear God, I do apologise.
Oh, Mum, it can't be.
I'm sure he just got sidetracked on his way home from the pub.
Well, I thought that myself for the first week.
But, no, he's gone for good.
Oh, don't worry, Mum.
Everything will be all right when we get home.
What's left for me there? An empty house full of memories? No, I'd rather stay right here in the company of my babies.
Thank goodness I have my children to lean upon.
Oh, don't cry, Mum.
I really thought this junket to America would cheer you up.
Well, it still can.
Go away.
I mean, get out there and see the country.
Yes, that is a splendid idea.
This land is rich with snow-covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild, untamed rivers, and a warm, loving people ready to embrace you.
Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America.
How did you do that? [GASPS.]
Cam Winston!