Married with Children s09e12 Episode Script
I Want My Psycho Dad (1)
Disodium guanylate.
Diacetyl tartaric acid.
I don't feel good about this, Bud.
I mean, I know we're mad at Dad for not letting us have a party and everything but even he doesn't deserve this.
This is cool and unusable punishment.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, Kel.
Now, just a little pyridoxine hydrochloride and voila.
Snack mountain.
Now, once Dad washes this down with tonight's episode of Psycho Dad he'll say yes quicker than you do on a first date.
Sure hope you're right.
Oh, good morning, kids.
Gee, you guys are up early.
What time is it? Five p.
m.
Oh, darn, I slept through my afternoon nap.
So, what are you up to? Oh, just trying to bribe Daddy into letting us have a party.
You know, that could be tough.
I don't think he's forgotten the last one.
You know, the nightsticks, the sirens, the strip-searches Not to mention what happened after the police got here.
Mom, a woman only turns 12 once.
I'm much more of an adulteress now.
So you think Dad'll go for it, Ma? Well, I don't know but at least you have his two favourite food groups here.
Greasy and salty.
And to seal the deal, Psycho Dad's on tonight.
Yeah, for the sake of the party, I hope he still likes the show.
Who's that riding into the sun? Who's the man with the itchy gun? Who's the man who kills for fun? Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad Psycho Dad Hi, Bud.
Hi, Kelly.
Hi, couch monster.
Anybody know what night it is? The night the rest of your body secedes from your armpits? Peg, how do you think of those and fight gravity at the same time? Anyway, tonight there's a very special episode of the Dad on.
He caught his wife and the schoolmarm teaching his son housework but he's only got one cartridge left.
What does he do? What would any of us do? Dad, did you? Did you notice we made you some Psycho Dad vittles? Yes, a veritable coronary-copia of your favourites.
I'm sorry, but they were out of the twice-fried gristle logs.
You two are the best kids any father accidentally ever had.
Now, come on, beat it.
Psycho Dad's coming on.
- When do we ask him about the party? - Okay, as soon as Psycho Dad is over.
- Okay.
- And now, ladies and gentlemen Psycho Dad! - Will not be seen tonight so we may present the All Barbara Special.
Stay tuned as Barbara Walters interviews Barbra Streisand Barbara Bush, and then Barbra Streisand again.
No Psycho Dad? How can this be, Peg? What moron is behind this? Who's the guy whose show is done? Whose TV hero's on the run? Who'll be watching VH1? Loser Al, Loser Al Loser Al Marcie, I don't think this is a very good time.
Are you kidding? This is a great time.
My women's group finally helped get Psycho Dad cancelled.
Cancelled? You got it cancelled? Indeed-y do.
- Okay, now can we ask him? - No.
Why not? The show couldn't be more over.
Why, Marcie? Because Psycho Dad was the most violent programme on TV.
Did you know that they portrayed an average of 84 killings per one-hour show? Well, a man's got to reload.
My point, earwig is that violence on TV desensitizes people.
Well, so does marriage, and they haven't cancelled that yet.
Despite all my letters.
And I don't want to hear any of that politically-correct rooster poop that television is the cause of all our problems.
People don't act a certain way just because it's on TV.
You know, that's true.
Al watches a lot of sex on HBO.
And Peg watches a lot of Models Inc.
Al, violence has no place on the streets or on TV.
And we've got to start somewhere.
Today Psycho Dad, tomorrow everything else that men enjoy.
Okay, now can we ask him? Are you for real or has someone switched you with a pod from the planet Bimbo? And if so, are? Are there more like you? Hey, Al, what gives? Yeah.
Yeah.
Did they take off Psycho Dad on your TV too? Oh, hey.
Hey.
Ranch style.
Stand back, kids.
Huey, Dewey and Ewey are here.
Men, listen up.
They've cancelled Psycho Dad.
- What? - Yes.
And you know who's behind it? - Women? - No.
Marcie D'Arcy, chicken-at-large.
Well, I say there's no way we'll give up our Psycho Dad.
- What can we do? - We can write letters.
- Well, real men don't write letters.
- They do to Penthouse.
They got letters in Penthouse? Of course they have letters in Penthouse.
So you have something to do right after you Right after you You finish reading the interviews.
They got interviews in Penthouse? All right, come on, everyone, think.
We're men.
Let's use the power of our giant manly brains.
Ma, they've been like that for hours now.
Should we get the jumper cables? No need.
I got it! We'll picket the TV stations.
Once word gets out, men will come from every part of the country.
Men, gather the troops.
This will be the biggest demonstration Chicago has ever had.
Yeah.
- Hey, Al.
- Yeah? You remember that letter-writing idea I had? Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back the feeling in my feet.
All right, take a two-minute break.
- How long have we been here? - Counting the break 2 and a half minutes.
Say, Al, don't think that I'm not grateful for your dragging me out of a warm pool hall to picket on this balmy winter morn.
But are you sure that anyone is giving oh, say, a rat's patoot about this? Boy, you don't know anything about America, do you? Its landscape will be littered with frozen dead guys if we don't get the hell out of here.
Well, for your information, ladies this country was founded on the power of protest.
From the Boston Tea Party to the March of Dimes.
The strong and the brave have always stood up to make their voices heard.
Well, Al Bundy, too, will make his voice heard.
I will stand, I will fight, I will Boys, here comes the cops.
Ditch the signs.
Well? Hey, Officer Dan.
How's the wife and kids? Warm.
Why aren't I? Well, if by that you mean what are we doing here, well, we Tell him, Jefferson.
Al made us come.
- Thanks, Jefferson.
Nice cover.
- Okay.
Okay, boys, let's head for the squad car.
Aren't you even gonna search us? It's 13 degrees out here.
I don't even care what I've got concealed.
Oh, come on, Dan.
Give us a break.
We're just protesting, that's all.
Protest or no protest.
You just can't gather a Psycho Dad? They took off Psycho Dad? Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
I don't understand it.
The press must have gotten wind of this by now.
- What could be keeping them? - Polar bears, maybe? All right, a couple of more times around and we'll take a few months off.
Hey, look, I think I see another protestor coming.
Okay, snap to, boys.
Make him feel welcome.
- Bring back Psycho Dad.
- Let your kids have a party.
- Bring back Psycho Dad.
- Let your kids have a party.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
- Let - Hey now! Sergeant at Arms Ike eject the infidel.
- Yeah, get him.
- Get him, Ike! Get him! Hey, Al, I've got an idea.
Bob Rooney's got a heated garage.
Yeah, and he's got the profile of a manatee too.
What's your point? Well, we could protest there and be warm.
Protest in Bob Rooney's garage.
But how can we be sure our message will reach the people? We'll leave our signs outside.
Genius.
Now, let's see.
It's 40 degrees below zero with 20 mile an hour winds.
Who do we send outside today? One of our many Aryan anchormen or the woman from a country named after the equator? - You're on.
- Hi.
This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal.
And we are here live outside the studios of WHBZ where some sort of pro-violence demonstration was supposed to be held.
But the only evidence we could find is a crumpled copy of Penthouse Magazine and the name "Al" mysteriously written in the snow.
So once again, it seems the joke's on me.
This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal saying: I'd have that anchor job by now if I had just slept with Peter Jennings instead of Andy Rooney.
Hi, Daddy.
How are you feeling? Well, let's see.
I'm dead.
Oh, good.
Now, what would you say if I told you that Bud and I got Psycho Dad back on the air? You got Psycho Dad back on the air? You better not be kidding or you're gonna have to outrun the Dodge.
Rush Limbaugh can outrun the Dodge.
No, seriously, Dad, if we could get Psycho Dad back on the air would you let us throw a party? - Lf you got Psycho Dad back on air, not only would I let you throw a party, I'd provide the fake vomit.
Well, break out the barf, Dad, because we got Psycho Dad back on the air, and it's on right now.
But close your eyes first, Dad because there's a few minutes left of Saved by the Bell, The Prison Years.
And now, the return of your favourite Western, Psycho Dad.
Well, shut my mouth and call me Mary.
That is Psycho Dad.
That is Psycho Dad.
- What? What's wrong? - Just my stinking luck.
It's a rerun.
- A rerun? - Yeah, yeah, I recognize this episode.
This is the part where he's gonna shoot his wife she ducks and he accidentally kills President Lincoln instead.
Damn women.
That's no problem.
I'll just fast-forward the tape to the part you don't remember.
Dad, we only did this to make you happy.
It wasn't to trick you into letting us have a party or that nifty vomit thing or anything.
I knew it was too good to be true.
- So can we have a party? - Begone, children of the corn.
Way to go, VCR Minus.
Well, like they say in France, comme ci, comme di.
Al, turn on the TV.
Psycho Dad's on.
Yeah, and my wife and kids are just figments of Stephen King's imagination.
No, really.
It's on the news.
He's holding a press conference.
He is? He is.
I knew he wouldn't take this lying down.
- Hey, I bet he got my letter.
- You wrote Psycho Dad a letter? Not actually a letter, but I cut out some letters from the newspaper and taped it in, you know.
Like the way Psycho Dad did when he kidnapped the circuit judge so there couldn't be no wedding.
I knew the Psychster wouldn't let his biggest fans down.
Sure the cancellation was a shock.
I felt hurt, I'd been rejected.
I thought, "Well, nobody cares anymore about a simple saga of a guy run amok in the old West.
" The man's a freaking poet.
And while I was at my lowest, this letter arrived.
Maybe that's my letter.
It came postage due.
It is my letter.
I'd lik e to read it to you now.
"Dear, Syk o Dad," spelled S-Y-K-O.
What? You try to find P's and H's in USA Today.
"Hi, my name is Al.
I'm just a regular Joe.
Sure I scored four touchdowns in a game once.
But that's not the point.
The point is I lik e you, Psycho Dad, I really, really lik e you.
No, not in that way.
So please don't let them tak e you off.
I beg you, fight this thing lik e you would fight a varmint or an ex-wife.
Your friend, Al.
P.
S.
, What does Barbara Eden look lik e nak ed?" - Barbara Eden? - She's 1000.
I didn't mean now.
Ladies and gentlemen, this letter has made clear to me that if Psycho Dad elicits this kind of response from the public there's only one thing I can do.
- Fight! Fight! - Quit.
- What? Yes, quit.
Quit, apologize, and renounce forever the character of Psycho Dad.
If this is the kind of following that I inspire then I'm afraid I must stop leading.
However, since the network's offering me big bucks be sure to watch me in my new show.
; Lefkowitz, Special Education Teacher's Aide.
Thank you.
And to you, Al, goodbye and get help.
I can't believe Psycho Dad would sell us out.
That's not Psycho Dad talking.
He doesn't use words like "character" or "education" or "Lefkowitz.
" He's been brainwashed by people like Marcie and her do-gooders.
Well, we've got to think of something.
Use the power of our giant manly brains? No, that would take too long.
Yeah.
What would Psycho Dad do if he were one of us? He would He'd take some women hostage and make them do laundry.
No, Psycho Dad don't have no laundry.
He's been wearing the same Psycho suit for 7 years.
And now he's hanging it up for good.
Well, we can't just sit here and let it happen.
What do you want us to do? We're not going back to ice station Zebra again.
No.
I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty.
- That stands for freedom of expression.
- The nudie bar? No.
Well, maybe first.
Then we're going to our nation's capital.
Gentlemen, NO MA'AM is going to Washington!
Diacetyl tartaric acid.
I don't feel good about this, Bud.
I mean, I know we're mad at Dad for not letting us have a party and everything but even he doesn't deserve this.
This is cool and unusable punishment.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, Kel.
Now, just a little pyridoxine hydrochloride and voila.
Snack mountain.
Now, once Dad washes this down with tonight's episode of Psycho Dad he'll say yes quicker than you do on a first date.
Sure hope you're right.
Oh, good morning, kids.
Gee, you guys are up early.
What time is it? Five p.
m.
Oh, darn, I slept through my afternoon nap.
So, what are you up to? Oh, just trying to bribe Daddy into letting us have a party.
You know, that could be tough.
I don't think he's forgotten the last one.
You know, the nightsticks, the sirens, the strip-searches Not to mention what happened after the police got here.
Mom, a woman only turns 12 once.
I'm much more of an adulteress now.
So you think Dad'll go for it, Ma? Well, I don't know but at least you have his two favourite food groups here.
Greasy and salty.
And to seal the deal, Psycho Dad's on tonight.
Yeah, for the sake of the party, I hope he still likes the show.
Who's that riding into the sun? Who's the man with the itchy gun? Who's the man who kills for fun? Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad Psycho Dad Hi, Bud.
Hi, Kelly.
Hi, couch monster.
Anybody know what night it is? The night the rest of your body secedes from your armpits? Peg, how do you think of those and fight gravity at the same time? Anyway, tonight there's a very special episode of the Dad on.
He caught his wife and the schoolmarm teaching his son housework but he's only got one cartridge left.
What does he do? What would any of us do? Dad, did you? Did you notice we made you some Psycho Dad vittles? Yes, a veritable coronary-copia of your favourites.
I'm sorry, but they were out of the twice-fried gristle logs.
You two are the best kids any father accidentally ever had.
Now, come on, beat it.
Psycho Dad's coming on.
- When do we ask him about the party? - Okay, as soon as Psycho Dad is over.
- Okay.
- And now, ladies and gentlemen Psycho Dad! - Will not be seen tonight so we may present the All Barbara Special.
Stay tuned as Barbara Walters interviews Barbra Streisand Barbara Bush, and then Barbra Streisand again.
No Psycho Dad? How can this be, Peg? What moron is behind this? Who's the guy whose show is done? Whose TV hero's on the run? Who'll be watching VH1? Loser Al, Loser Al Loser Al Marcie, I don't think this is a very good time.
Are you kidding? This is a great time.
My women's group finally helped get Psycho Dad cancelled.
Cancelled? You got it cancelled? Indeed-y do.
- Okay, now can we ask him? - No.
Why not? The show couldn't be more over.
Why, Marcie? Because Psycho Dad was the most violent programme on TV.
Did you know that they portrayed an average of 84 killings per one-hour show? Well, a man's got to reload.
My point, earwig is that violence on TV desensitizes people.
Well, so does marriage, and they haven't cancelled that yet.
Despite all my letters.
And I don't want to hear any of that politically-correct rooster poop that television is the cause of all our problems.
People don't act a certain way just because it's on TV.
You know, that's true.
Al watches a lot of sex on HBO.
And Peg watches a lot of Models Inc.
Al, violence has no place on the streets or on TV.
And we've got to start somewhere.
Today Psycho Dad, tomorrow everything else that men enjoy.
Okay, now can we ask him? Are you for real or has someone switched you with a pod from the planet Bimbo? And if so, are? Are there more like you? Hey, Al, what gives? Yeah.
Yeah.
Did they take off Psycho Dad on your TV too? Oh, hey.
Hey.
Ranch style.
Stand back, kids.
Huey, Dewey and Ewey are here.
Men, listen up.
They've cancelled Psycho Dad.
- What? - Yes.
And you know who's behind it? - Women? - No.
Marcie D'Arcy, chicken-at-large.
Well, I say there's no way we'll give up our Psycho Dad.
- What can we do? - We can write letters.
- Well, real men don't write letters.
- They do to Penthouse.
They got letters in Penthouse? Of course they have letters in Penthouse.
So you have something to do right after you Right after you You finish reading the interviews.
They got interviews in Penthouse? All right, come on, everyone, think.
We're men.
Let's use the power of our giant manly brains.
Ma, they've been like that for hours now.
Should we get the jumper cables? No need.
I got it! We'll picket the TV stations.
Once word gets out, men will come from every part of the country.
Men, gather the troops.
This will be the biggest demonstration Chicago has ever had.
Yeah.
- Hey, Al.
- Yeah? You remember that letter-writing idea I had? Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back the feeling in my feet.
All right, take a two-minute break.
- How long have we been here? - Counting the break 2 and a half minutes.
Say, Al, don't think that I'm not grateful for your dragging me out of a warm pool hall to picket on this balmy winter morn.
But are you sure that anyone is giving oh, say, a rat's patoot about this? Boy, you don't know anything about America, do you? Its landscape will be littered with frozen dead guys if we don't get the hell out of here.
Well, for your information, ladies this country was founded on the power of protest.
From the Boston Tea Party to the March of Dimes.
The strong and the brave have always stood up to make their voices heard.
Well, Al Bundy, too, will make his voice heard.
I will stand, I will fight, I will Boys, here comes the cops.
Ditch the signs.
Well? Hey, Officer Dan.
How's the wife and kids? Warm.
Why aren't I? Well, if by that you mean what are we doing here, well, we Tell him, Jefferson.
Al made us come.
- Thanks, Jefferson.
Nice cover.
- Okay.
Okay, boys, let's head for the squad car.
Aren't you even gonna search us? It's 13 degrees out here.
I don't even care what I've got concealed.
Oh, come on, Dan.
Give us a break.
We're just protesting, that's all.
Protest or no protest.
You just can't gather a Psycho Dad? They took off Psycho Dad? Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
I don't understand it.
The press must have gotten wind of this by now.
- What could be keeping them? - Polar bears, maybe? All right, a couple of more times around and we'll take a few months off.
Hey, look, I think I see another protestor coming.
Okay, snap to, boys.
Make him feel welcome.
- Bring back Psycho Dad.
- Let your kids have a party.
- Bring back Psycho Dad.
- Let your kids have a party.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
- Let - Hey now! Sergeant at Arms Ike eject the infidel.
- Yeah, get him.
- Get him, Ike! Get him! Hey, Al, I've got an idea.
Bob Rooney's got a heated garage.
Yeah, and he's got the profile of a manatee too.
What's your point? Well, we could protest there and be warm.
Protest in Bob Rooney's garage.
But how can we be sure our message will reach the people? We'll leave our signs outside.
Genius.
Now, let's see.
It's 40 degrees below zero with 20 mile an hour winds.
Who do we send outside today? One of our many Aryan anchormen or the woman from a country named after the equator? - You're on.
- Hi.
This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal.
And we are here live outside the studios of WHBZ where some sort of pro-violence demonstration was supposed to be held.
But the only evidence we could find is a crumpled copy of Penthouse Magazine and the name "Al" mysteriously written in the snow.
So once again, it seems the joke's on me.
This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal saying: I'd have that anchor job by now if I had just slept with Peter Jennings instead of Andy Rooney.
Hi, Daddy.
How are you feeling? Well, let's see.
I'm dead.
Oh, good.
Now, what would you say if I told you that Bud and I got Psycho Dad back on the air? You got Psycho Dad back on the air? You better not be kidding or you're gonna have to outrun the Dodge.
Rush Limbaugh can outrun the Dodge.
No, seriously, Dad, if we could get Psycho Dad back on the air would you let us throw a party? - Lf you got Psycho Dad back on air, not only would I let you throw a party, I'd provide the fake vomit.
Well, break out the barf, Dad, because we got Psycho Dad back on the air, and it's on right now.
But close your eyes first, Dad because there's a few minutes left of Saved by the Bell, The Prison Years.
And now, the return of your favourite Western, Psycho Dad.
Well, shut my mouth and call me Mary.
That is Psycho Dad.
That is Psycho Dad.
- What? What's wrong? - Just my stinking luck.
It's a rerun.
- A rerun? - Yeah, yeah, I recognize this episode.
This is the part where he's gonna shoot his wife she ducks and he accidentally kills President Lincoln instead.
Damn women.
That's no problem.
I'll just fast-forward the tape to the part you don't remember.
Dad, we only did this to make you happy.
It wasn't to trick you into letting us have a party or that nifty vomit thing or anything.
I knew it was too good to be true.
- So can we have a party? - Begone, children of the corn.
Way to go, VCR Minus.
Well, like they say in France, comme ci, comme di.
Al, turn on the TV.
Psycho Dad's on.
Yeah, and my wife and kids are just figments of Stephen King's imagination.
No, really.
It's on the news.
He's holding a press conference.
He is? He is.
I knew he wouldn't take this lying down.
- Hey, I bet he got my letter.
- You wrote Psycho Dad a letter? Not actually a letter, but I cut out some letters from the newspaper and taped it in, you know.
Like the way Psycho Dad did when he kidnapped the circuit judge so there couldn't be no wedding.
I knew the Psychster wouldn't let his biggest fans down.
Sure the cancellation was a shock.
I felt hurt, I'd been rejected.
I thought, "Well, nobody cares anymore about a simple saga of a guy run amok in the old West.
" The man's a freaking poet.
And while I was at my lowest, this letter arrived.
Maybe that's my letter.
It came postage due.
It is my letter.
I'd lik e to read it to you now.
"Dear, Syk o Dad," spelled S-Y-K-O.
What? You try to find P's and H's in USA Today.
"Hi, my name is Al.
I'm just a regular Joe.
Sure I scored four touchdowns in a game once.
But that's not the point.
The point is I lik e you, Psycho Dad, I really, really lik e you.
No, not in that way.
So please don't let them tak e you off.
I beg you, fight this thing lik e you would fight a varmint or an ex-wife.
Your friend, Al.
P.
S.
, What does Barbara Eden look lik e nak ed?" - Barbara Eden? - She's 1000.
I didn't mean now.
Ladies and gentlemen, this letter has made clear to me that if Psycho Dad elicits this kind of response from the public there's only one thing I can do.
- Fight! Fight! - Quit.
- What? Yes, quit.
Quit, apologize, and renounce forever the character of Psycho Dad.
If this is the kind of following that I inspire then I'm afraid I must stop leading.
However, since the network's offering me big bucks be sure to watch me in my new show.
; Lefkowitz, Special Education Teacher's Aide.
Thank you.
And to you, Al, goodbye and get help.
I can't believe Psycho Dad would sell us out.
That's not Psycho Dad talking.
He doesn't use words like "character" or "education" or "Lefkowitz.
" He's been brainwashed by people like Marcie and her do-gooders.
Well, we've got to think of something.
Use the power of our giant manly brains? No, that would take too long.
Yeah.
What would Psycho Dad do if he were one of us? He would He'd take some women hostage and make them do laundry.
No, Psycho Dad don't have no laundry.
He's been wearing the same Psycho suit for 7 years.
And now he's hanging it up for good.
Well, we can't just sit here and let it happen.
What do you want us to do? We're not going back to ice station Zebra again.
No.
I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty.
- That stands for freedom of expression.
- The nudie bar? No.
Well, maybe first.
Then we're going to our nation's capital.
Gentlemen, NO MA'AM is going to Washington!